The Best Stacey Boss Quotes

[Mr. Boss holds up a toy train to his henchman]
Stacey: Here it is, boys. The Great Northern Railway's premiere passenger train, the Empire Builder. When this baby's whistle blows, I might, too.

[the thugs of Mr. Boss report to him that Blaine is still alive]
Stacey: We slit his throat. How in the hell could he still be alive?
Howard: Maybe it was a miracle or something?
Stacey: A miracle? The only miracle is that I'm not asking Kenny to shoot you right now.

[Mr. Boss throws Blaine's body down to the hole in the ground]
Stacey: There's your second-place prize. Well, God?
Stacey: [Mr. Boss waits to see if Blaine has a God call come down and save him, when nothing happens] I think we're good.

[Mr. Boss does taxes for the thug Billy the Chin]
Stacey: I'm not disputing that Bonnie and Clyde are like family to you, but the IRS doesn't allow you to claim pit bulls as dependents.
Billy the Chin: But I'm their sole provider.
Stacey: I know, but I always advise my clients to stay on the right side of the law.

[Blaine is reacquainted with Mr. Boss and tells him why he never returned to Mr. Boss's business]
Blaine: I saw things at that boat party. Things that still haunt me. I spent a couple weeks shivering in a dark room, and I decided it was a sign that I needed a change.
Stacey: A sign, huh? You think God was so desperate for you to change your ways that he slaughtered all those innocent people to make a point?
Blaine: Well, we're talking about the same guy that thought Noah's Ark was a solid plan

Stacey: I shot you. I slit your throat. We buried you.
Blaine: Mmm-hmm. And, yet, here I am.
Stacey: How the hell are you still alive?
Blaine: Well, I'm eating a human brain. So, that makes me a...
Stacey: Cannibal?
Blaine: Technically, I suppose, but that's not the answer I'm looking for. I'm eating a human brain, I'm indestructible, therefore, I am a...
Stacey: A serial killer?

[Clive and Liv question Mr. Boss about the vigilante crime fighter The Fog]
Stacey: What exactly is a 'vigilante crime fighter'?
Olivia: You know exactly what he is, a superhero. A selfless defender of those who can't defend themselves.
Stacey: I see. I don't want to pretend to know how to do your job, but it just seems to me, your best bet, would be to aim a floodlight into the night sky with his logo burned into it. I'm sure he'd find you.

[Liv and Clive pay Mr. Boss a visit at his place of business]
Stacey: Can I offer you a Vatrushka? Come on. You've got a second shot at life. Indulge.
Olivia: I'm good.
Stacey: Well, there's your problem.

[Kenny the bag man reminds Mr. Boss why Blaine had the nickname of Chinatown]
Kenny: [about Blaine] Remember his nickname?
Stacey: No.
Kenny: Chinatown. 'Cause you gave him a corner right in the middle. Of the blue cobras' territory, told him it was his if he could hold it.
Stacey: In Chinatown. Got it. Great story.
Kenny: No. That's not how he got his name. He got it from the way he took the corner. He recruited these two 'roided-up Asian dudes from the gym. And put blue cobra tattoos on 'em. Had 'em grab the beat cop that worked that corner. They sliced open his nostril like Nicholson's. In Chinatown.

[Mr. Boss demands to his henchman that Don E. and Chief are murdered]
Stacey: So, these two have taken over Blaine's business? I want them dead. Extra bloody.
Kenny: You sure? So soon...
Stacey: I won, Kenny. Seattle threw in the towel. I own this city. So, let's take our victory lap.

Stacey: We're gonna break him out and get my money back.
Blaine: Out of a prison transport bus?
Stacey: We'll go halfsies on the cash, of course.
Don: Not thirdsies?

[Mr. Boss tells Drake about his first murder]
Stacey: I remember my first. It went so smooth, like filling out a 1040A. Afterwards, I treated myself to a steak. Double cut. Medium rare. It's a nice tradition.

[Mr. Boss asks Blaine if he has any last words before putting him in the hole]
Stacey: Here we are. Any last words?
Blaine: [Blaine smiles] I gave you a run for your money, didn't I?

[Blaine tries to make conversation with Mr. Boss]
Blaine: I hear you're a procol harum fan.
Stacey: I never cared for that psychedelic pseudo-mystical stuff. More of a British invasion guy.
Blaine: Let's go back to my place, man. I'll play you anything you want. Beatles. Stones. Kinks.
Stacey: Your playing days are over, I'm afraid. Lucky u. Sometimes, pointing out the irony almost feels cheap.

[Mr. Boss tells Liv and Clive he's not a super villain]
Stacey: I'm a CPA, not a super villain!

Stacey: They're eating that guy's brains right out of his head. They didn't even kill him first.
Blaine: I'm pretty sure he's dead.
Stacey: His legs are moving.
Don: I think that's a nervous system thing.
Blaine: Now he's definitely dead.
Man: Oh, God, no...
Blaine: Oop. No, wait.
[Man screams]
Blaine: Okay, now.

[Mr. Boss demands to his henchman that he wants Blaine dead]
Stacey: I want Blaine dead. Dead, dead. And when it's done, cut his head off, bring it to me in a hat box. This is Seattle, not Sleepy Hollow.

[Mr. Boss tells Blaine that he used to be a Dungeons & Dragons player]
Stacey: I did. I was a hell of a Dungeon Master. If players screwed up, they did something dumb, they paid the price. But... as they were bleeding out on the battlefield, there was always a Hail Mary. The God call. That 1% chance the God that they worshipped would come down from the heavens, smite their enemies and save them. I suggest you make your God call.

Stacey: Of all the things I miss about the first world, high quality bourbon isn't the least.
Don: We're still considered the first world?