Top 300 Quotes From The Closer

Greg: Just act natural.
David: She is.

Angie: I just thank God you're the worst police force in the world.

Casey: Oh, that's wonderful. You're helping parents delay the moment children realize they've been lied to about Christmas their whole lives. That must make you very proud.

Det. Lt. Provenza: [Discussing the reason they are late to the ball game] You drive the only car that was stolen in Mexico and brought here to sell.

Brenda: [examining the recording device from the victim's chest] Is it one of ours?
Buzz: Well, that's hard to tell. I mean, you can buy this at any electronics store, though this one looks brand new.
Andy: Well, there's your answer. If it's new, it can't be LAPD.

[last lines]
Brenda: You know what?
Fritz: What?
Brenda: I'm so glad not to be datin' ever again. I mean, really, really glad.

[last lines]
Fritz: You feel like talking?
Brenda: I do. Um, I know you had this other life before you stopped drinking. I-I don't like to think about it... but maybe I should.
Fritz: Okay.
[pauses]
Fritz: What would you like me to tell you?
Brenda: [painfully] Oh... everything I don't wanna hear.

Jerry: [during a sting operation] Viktor Markov is never gonna believe that I would date someone like you.
Deputy: Why not?
Jerry: He's a much better appraiser than I am. And he's never gonna believe that one of me is worth any of you.

Brenda: I could be more help if I knew something about what you're investigating.
Sharon: [Smiling indulgently] You'd be surprised how many people think that.

Eric: I wish I was dead! Okay, does THAT help? I wish I was dead! I wish whoever killed my family killed me. Okay? I wish I was dead. KU-AHHHH! Kahhh!
Brenda: Those are the magic words.

Brenda: [hearing about Raydor's retrement] But she hasn't found the leak yet.
Fritz: You don't believe there IS a leak.
Brenda: It doesn't mean I'm... right.
Fritz: Amazing.

[Buzz plays a recording of Gail and a patrolman]
Long: Step out of the car, please.
Gail: What? Why?
Long: I need you to step out of the vehicle right now.
Gail: You were waiting in that parking lot. This is entrapment. Do you know who my husband is?
Long: Step over here...
Gail: Do you know who my husband is?
Long: ...right now.
Gail: *Do you know who my husband is? Do you know who my husband is?*
Long: Step right over here.
Will: Okay. I've heard enough. Wow. How'd she get *that* expunged form her record?
Andy: [wryly] Don't you know who her husband is?

Russell: Yet another example, as if we needed one, that life is not fair.

Louie: I hate to interrupt, but it is a holiday and, any minute now, we're gonna be bombarded with suicides, and I... I don't want to see this dinner go to waste.

[a group of Chinese tourists are milling around, agitated]
Detective Lt. Provenza: Oh, Tao, thank God. Could you please tell these people to calm down and step back?
Lieutenant: [shouting] Calm down and step back!
Detective Lt. Provenza: You don't speak Chinese?
Lieutenant: No, I don't. I'm fourth-generation American.
Detective Lt. Provenza: Well, you always sound fluent when we order take-out.

Will: A hooker, dead from an overdose in a hotel, doesn't usually justify a lot of shoe leather.

Brenda: Chief Pope. How is this my fault?
Asst. Police Chief Will Pope: Well... three words: Flynn-and-Provenza

Will: May I see you for a moment, please?
Brenda: Well, I'm just about to head into an examination.
Will: Let me rephrase that rhetorical question: I want to speak with you - now.

Mike: See, Provenza? A lot of 'em aren't hippies!
Louie: Yeah, well, I promise you, Tao, in every one of their closets, somewhere, there's a tie-dyed shirt.

Fritz: Taylor's throwing you to the wolves... or maybe just giving them a map to your body.

D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: Oh, my God. We're about to have more confessions than we know what to do with.

Andy: The killer, and I quote, "looked like a ninja."
Brenda: A ninja?
Andy: Husband's breath was about 40 proof. Back when I drank like that, I saw ninjas too.

Commissioner: Odd isn't it, how our enemies never change. During World War II, they recited Mein Kampf while shoving people into gas chambers. And during most of my professional life, they shot you in the back of the head, quoting Marx and Engles. And now, they misuse the Koran. Same people, different books.

Brenda: Are you trying to encourage me or make me nervous?
Asst. Police Chief Will Pope: I'm just trying to figure out why you're so damn confident you can get this woman to help you.
Brenda: Well, because, Will, I know a little something about admiring the boss and finding out he's not the guy you thought he was.

David: So, we found no blood or weapons in Jesse Ray Moore's truck.
Detective: Why do they always have three names?

Andy: We're gonna need a bigger board!

Deputy: Where's the line for you doctor? You start by cutting up people you *think* committed rape, and who's next? Drug dealers? Thieves? People who cross against the light?
Dr. Luis Navarro: Listen to me. There are two really bad boys out there that I didn't get to. Why don't you give me a year? See what happens. I can make this place safer than you can.
Deputy: Who gave you the right to play God?
Dr. Luis Navarro: Position was vacant, so I took it.

Andy: Sergeant.You're gonna have to skip me. I'm gonna stick with my usual cranberry and soda.
Brenda: No champagne?
Andy: Here,take a look at this. I wear this all the time. 10 years in A.A.
Brenda: You're kidding.
Andy: Well, you see ,chief, when I used to drink, I could be a little bit of an asshole.
Louie: Imagine that,if you can.

Sgt. David Gabriel: [about Anne] Four days ago we decided to combine our resources, but, uh, we've been dating about a year now. It felt like it was time. You know, I haven't told my family yet. I'd actually appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone else around here, knowing what people think about lawyers.
Captain: Married one, myself.
Sgt. David Gabriel: Really?
Captain: Well, technically he's a lawyer. First he passed the bar, then he spent the next ten years drinking at one till he gave that up for gambling.
Sgt. David Gabriel: So, what, you're divorced?
Captain: Separated... for twenty years. It's all very Catholic.

John: See, I didn't create... I didn't create this bullshit world. I just want to do as much damage as I can before I go.

Brenda: So... you don't... wanna tell the FBI that Mason was aiming for the fire department?
Chief: It's an untested hypothesis, and I... It would just confuse them. I don't think we wanna send the FBI on a wild goose chase, now?

Brenda: Lieutenant Flynn... Your resignation surprised me most of all. The whole time I've been here you've never said one complimentary thing about or to me.
Det. Andy Flynn: Chief, you have really great legs.

[Pope sees a garden gnome in the murder room wearing handcuffs]
Lt. Louie Provenza: [answering Pope's quizzical expression] Flight risk.

Det. Lt. Provenza: Ok, everybody; mark the date.
[long pause]
Det. Lt. Provenza: I was wrong.

Phillip: You always lie. Who can trust you?

Louie: I don't know if you've noticed, but, um, Gabriel and Daniels can hardly stand to be in the same room together anymore.
Brenda: I already issued an order for them to sort out their romantic problems.
Louie: You-you are an excellent leader, Chief, but... you can't just boss around the human heart.
Brenda: Lieutenant, I'm in the middle of a double homicide investigation. I don't wanna talk about this right now.
Louie: Well, I don't wanna talk about it either, but... Look, Sanchez was gone for four months on a disability leave, and then... and then Gabriel took a week off for some training, and Daniels was off at some Homeland Security labs for two weeks. I mean... Look, I may not be a psychic, but as an experienced civil servant, I can tell you this: the brass will not let you do with six people what you'e proven you can do with five.
Brenda: [thinking] Chief Pope told me this morning that he may have to promote someone from Major Crimes to the CI Division.
Louie: Well, there it is, then. There it is. And, I'm telling' you, Chief, h-h-he could take Sanchez, or Tao, or even Flynn, and our problem would still be the same, and it's sitting right out there.
[Brenda and Provenza gaze out at Daniels and Gabriel working at their desks]

Andy: Buzz, check this out. A pink bra and a 12-pack of condoms. Now, that's what I call optimism.

Brenda: If I liked being called a bitch to my face, I'd still be married.

David: The gangs keeps recruiting them younger and younger.
Louie: Yeah, and we keep getting older and older.

Julio: Tell the chief I went to therapy.

Fritz: When I said I wanted kids, I didn't mean other people's.

Julio: I got ahold of the principal at Skander's school personally... And she just sent me the student roster. There's no Rudy, Rudolpho, Rudolph...
Andy: No Donner, no Blitzen...
Brenda: Lieutenant...

Theresa: You're so worried about what someone might be doing to Sergei? I think you should be more worried about what Sergei is doing to someone else.

Brenda: These... are the very BEST BROWNIES I have ever had in my entire life!

Brenda: Low-functioning autistics have no language skills; they cannot survive independently by themselves. Keith is not like that. According to his school records, he's very intelligent but he does have issues : he's unemotional, frequently says inappropriate things, he's literal-minded, he gets fixated on minor details, he gets agitated when his routine is altered and he's extremely uncooperative when anything or anyone gets in the way of him doing what he wants.
Det. Andy Flynn: Does he have a Georgia accent?

Brenda: Oh, I was thrown off when he threw up!

David: Nice dress, by the way.
Brenda: Really? Does it make me look like the Queen of England? 'Cause that's how much money you need to be a police officer these days.

[last lines]
Brenda: Col. Walter! Show yourself!

Brenda: [Introducing Fritz to a young witness] Um, this is Keith. Keith, this uh...
FBI: Hi Keith, I'm Fritz. I'm Brenda's...
FBI: [to Brenda] I was going to say 'boyfriend', but I've got a feeling that's a dirty word around here.
Brenda: Oh, you're just too sensitive, that's all.
FBI: See, I thought girls liked that.
Brenda: Oh, that's just something we say.

Sharon: Calling Turell's murder "a happy ending" is not something that you want a jury to hear you say.
Brenda: Sure we do, after they see this interview with the so-called victim?
Sharon: After they see this interview, they'll understand you were stuck with a confession of a brutal murder of an elderly man and his grandchild that you couldn't use at trial, and lacking legal recourse, you dropped Turell Baylor off at his home where you knew he was likely to be executed. This interview is not your friend - it is your motive!

Judd: [put in handcuffs] No, no, hold on, one moment! I thought you said mercy killing and first degree murder were very different crimes!
Deputy: [Matter-of-factly] They are, but the punishment for both is exactly the same.
Judd: Are you actually talking about putting me in prison?
Deputy: [softly] Don't worry. It's not that different from Summerview, really. You have to sign in to visit people, friends and relatives tend to forget you exist, and, at some point, the state of California might just put you out of your misery.
Judd: Well, I certainly don't deserve THIS.
Deputy: You're right, Mr. Whaley. Unfortunately... it's the worst I can do to you.

Russell: [to Brenda] What on Earth made you apply for Chief?
Will: I told her to. She was drafted by the LAPD's Women's Work Group, and I thought she should go with it. So now she's one of the twenty-seven billion other people who've applied for the job, which means I'm not the slam-dunk we hoped I'd be - and the last thing I need is for hacked up bodies in garbage bags to be the leading story on tonight's news.
Russell: Well, lucky for us, the press doesn't care about murders in that neighborhood.
Will: And to keep it that way, here's a list of words I'd like to *not hear* during this investigation: Mexican cartel murders, bag of bones, serial killer. I do not want these cases sensationalized.

Louie: You can't be serious.
Chief: Do I look high to you?

Fritz: Have a nice murder.

[as Charlie listens in on Brenda's interview, she finds James' statements oddly describing her own situation as well]
James: But my father kept looking for things and wouldn't let us go, and... He told me to stop talking to my friends, and that's when I punched in the wall and cried a little bit.
Brenda: Why did you cry, James?
James: 'Cause my father used to be so proud of me. And now, if I don't behave... If I can't...
James: [suddenly smiling] I must behave very well or I will be sent away. I must make people comfortable by smiling... and... I can do that; but, also, I can make mistakes. I can slip up, so I must manage my drugs, get rid of my friends, and try to behave, or I might be sent away. But I think... I'm behaving... very well today. Yes?

Brenda: [learning abut the dead man] A sex offender?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mm. Sure you don't just want to cover him up and call it a day?

Howard: Are you in charge?
Agent: [gesturing to Brenda] Talk to the lady.

Louie: He wrote me up for using curse words - and that's bullshit.

Lieutenant: [waking up in the hospital to see Provenza holding a balloon] So there is a hell.
Deputy: You're not there yet, Lieutenant.
Detective Lt. Provenza: [Flynn glances at the balloon, which says "It's a Girl", Provenza shrugs] It's the only one they had in the gift shop.

Professor: Of course, the real irony here is, if I had actually been having an affair with Ashley, if I had walked her to the door and gone inside, she might still be alive.
Deputy: Well, that's the best justification for adultery I've heard in a long time.

Willie: Wesley? Don't think about anything else for a second. Just give me your hand.

Michelle: [a body is blocking the stairs leading to the church where she is about to be married] Excuse me! I don't know WHAT is going on here, but this is MY day and I want that body moved this INSTANT!

Brenda: Detective Sanchez! Stop that bride!

Andy: You talked to the Baylor's attorney already? What you said?
David: Are you kidding? Are you serious right now?
Louie: Gabriel, It's Flynn! It's paranoid for a living.
Andy: Of course I'm paranoid! Raydor it's been down here grilling us for weeks.

Buzz: You want me to go out there and pretend to be Lieutenant Tao?
Brenda: Yes. Exactly.
Buzz: Do I have to over-explain everything?
Mike: Hey!

Brenda: Last time I saw Mama, she asked me if I had a minute, and I didn't have time just then, and now I'm the one who could really use a minute, and she has no time at all.

Dr. Morales: You all right? You seem a little down and you haven't interrupted me yet.

Louie: I'm telling' you, this is the dumbest snipe hunt the chief as ever sent us on. I'm out here pounding the pavement like some damn rookie.
Andy: What's the matter? Your Medicare shoes don't like to walk uphill?
Louie: One of 'em's about to walk up your ass!

Clay: Now, then, who wants to carve the turkey?
Dr. Morales: Oh, yeah, yeah, let me do it.
David: Oh, come ON.
Dr. Morales: Don't worry. I do this all day long.

Brenda: For Heaven's sake, Fritzy, if we all stop lyin' to each other, how will we ever get to the truth?

Lt. Louie Provenza: Are you turned on by movies where a hunky young sailor is stripped to the waist, tied up and flogged?
Sgt. David Gabriel: What is it with you white people and whips?

Brenda: Charlie, which would you rather: museums with Grandma or schizophrenic murder suspects with your Aunt Brenda?
Charlie: Bye, Grandma.

Brenda: We could wait here all day.
John: [amused] No, we can't. You're running out of time.

Fritz: Would you really have arrested her?
Brenda: No.
[kisses him]
Brenda: I would have let you do it.

Will: When you're a hammer, everything you do looks like a nail.

Louie: You know, Andrews, when those doctors cut your balls off, they should have pulled the stick out of your ass at the same time!

Brenda: We really just wanted to eliminate you and your wife as suspects.
Davis: You want to eliminate me as a suspect?
Laura: All right, honey.
Davis: Was it a long painful death? Was he brutally tortured before he died?
Will: No.
Davis: Then it wasn't me.

Brenda: I'd like to start with you, Ms. Powell. I'd like to say how sorry I am that I was unable to ignore your general level of incompetence in the wrongly obtained conviction in the case of Bill Croelick. And I'm sorry if you felt hurt and defensive about putting a man on death row for the wrong crime and I certainly hope that that will never ever happen again. Agent Jackson, I, I deeply regret that the FBI handed over two million dollars to a man on a terrorist watch list without the capacity to trace it, or managed to follow him for months without knowing his wife was having an affair with the doctor. And I hope you do much better in the future. Captain Taylor, I suppose I should apologize to you for not having been born in Los Angeles, but, having seen your work up close now for several months, I can honestly say that, try as I might, I can't think of *any* fair and reasonable system on Earth where I wouldn't outrank you. There, I hope that clears everything up. Well, excuse me, I mean, uh, I have to go. Thank you very much, Thank you.
Will: Well.
[Clears throat]
Will: she did say she was sorry.
[laughing]
Will: I'm sorry. Of course, this is - this is terrible. Terrible.

Andy: So, what are you thinking, Chief? Somebody's trying to make the priest look dirty?
Deputy: I'm thinking that, if he didn't take these photographs, it would explain why he went out in the middle of the night to an apartment he didn't know was his.

[Brenda has been ill and out of sorts for two months]
Fritz: 'Cause you want it to be stress doesn't mean it's stress. The doctor has to look at your actual symptoms and the blood work and make a diagnosis based on the facts - as... they... are. Does that sound familiar?

Andy: [delivering the coroner's findings] Mr. Michaels, missing for five days, had just eaten some kind of blue candy and a pizza.
David: So - what? - he got lost on Mount Pepperoni?

Assistant: So, when you say you're not interested in the job, it's... it's very disappointing.
Deputy: Didn't you tell me yourself that I had no real chance at being Chief? That you were only permitting me to submit an ap...
Captain: Excuse me? Permission?
Assistant: No, that's - that's - that's not what I said. I did not say that.
Deputy: Yes, you did. You permitted me to apply as a sort of stalking horse...
Captain: You did not.

Louie: Jeez Louise. How many people are gonna confess to this murder, anyway?

[last lines]
Deputy: Do you have some kind of personal vendetta against me? I mean, have I ever done anything to you or to someone you love?
Peter: No. In fact, I'm reasonably sure we've almost never crossed paths, but that's mainly because I'm the conscience of the justice system, which, as far as you're concerned, makes me neary a perfect stranger, but don't worry. By the time I'm done, we're gonna know each other very well, because it's my intention, Chief Johnson, to put an end to you and all your works.

Brenda: If you boys didn't kill off Angel and Jesse, and the One-Fives here have figured out some way to stroll down your streets and knock off anyone they want and then disappear into thin air, well, you're probably better off just shooting yourselves in the head right now and getting it over with. It makes me wonder: Who's the bitch now?

Mike: It seems like she accelerated right off the cliff.
David: If she's from D.C., she might have been lost, didn't see the turn.
Andy: Or she did it on purpose.
Louie: A woman so concerned about the planet that she rents a hybrid to kill herself in?
Andy: I don't know. Maybe she saw a tree down there she wanted to hug.

David: Uh... uh... Daniels and I broke up a couple weeks ago and, uh, things have been... awkward... since then. Anyway, I'm afraid that it, uh... the stuff between us might be affecting the cohesiveness of our division, and I'm not sure that we both can stay, and I've been thinking that it might be best if... Daniels transferred out. I mean, I'm not... I'm not angry...
Brenda: Oh, I can see that.
David: I'm just thinking about what's best for her and what's best for the entire...
Irene: [knocking and entering] Uh, excuse me, uh... Chief, is this a good time?

Sgt. David Gabriel: You brought your cat to a crime scene?
Brenda: It's not my cat, it just lives with me and eats at my house.

Chief: I'd be curious how much farther you get in the next three hours.
Brenda: Three hours?
Chief: Because that's how long the FBI has agreed to share their material before they take over your case. That's what's been arranged.
Brenda: I did not agree to that.
Chief: Well, it's a good thing I'm not taking orders from you.

Brenda: Commander, you are still our liaison to the press, are you not?
Russell: Right.
Brenda: Well, then, could you please... "liaise?"

Brenda: Now, if y'all excuse me, this old car needs to make another pit stop.

Brenda: One count of rape won't put him away for life.
Russell: But establishing a pattern of behavior could.

Tiffany: This is a... tapestry of justice. That's what it is - a complete tapestry.

Louie: Flynn, what in the hell are you doin'?
Andy: I'm using my head as an antenna. You wanna try?

Gavin Q. Baker III: But as we say in my profession: "We'll double-cross that bridge when we come to it."

Brenda: It's funny, I... Sometimes I feel like I... pay more attention to what murderers have to say while ignoring the people I really care about.

[last lines]
Brenda: [handing the bride her cake topper] Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. I almost forgot. You know, giving this back to you, is almost as sweet as... the icing on your cake.

Louie: Uh, Buzz, would you mind, uh, escorting Lauren into the electronics room while we have our briefing?
Buzz: Not at all.
Louie: Thanks, man. Oh, oh, and, Buzz, ahem, why don't you, uh... why don't you show her one of my old interviews?
Buzz: Sure. How about the one with you and John Wilkes Booth?

[to the EMTs, who bring out a whole gurney just to transport a head and a pair of feet]
Detective Lt. Provenza: Hey! You guys know something we don't?

Will: Uh, and what makes you think that... "George" can get your confession?
Georgette: Let's call it "woman's intuition."

Louie: Way to go, Julio. If I was in better shape, I'd kick your ass.

Captain: Officers Stern and Duran have been completely exonerated.
Brenda: And because of the way Force Investigation Division operates, I'll be investigation' the murder of more good cops just like them.
Captain: Excuse me?
Brenda: When officers are shot and killed in the line of duty, they're investigated by me; when they shoot back, they're investigated by you. That means that they'll think twice before defending themselves. That hesitation will mean that more good cops will die, and I have to ask: Have you ever considered what your principles cost?
Captain: Seventy million dollars. That was the settlement in the Rampart case. One hundred - that's how many convictions were overturned due to renegade policing and lack of oversight in one division alone, not to mention the loss of trust the LAPD needs to remain effective.
Brenda: [taking it in] There has to be a better way.
Captain: Well... until then, you've got me.

Richard: A parking garage: cold, dank, unforgiving. As mundane as evil itself, and yet...
Deputy: [interrupting] Detective, just the fact pattern, please.

Will: But what will your division think of me if I submit this untruthful report to the chief?
Deputy: That you are exactly who you said you wanted to be - just one of the guys.
Will: Well, what does THAT mean?
Deputy: We lie to you all the time. Everybody does. Robbery Homicide, Vice, Narcotics, even Traffic, heh-heh. It's the one thing that unites every division of the LAPD. We... we all lie to our boss.
Will: I-I don't... What am I supposed to say to that? What? "Thank you?"
Deputy: You're welcome. And, um, as far as the respect that my division has for you, I-I-I can assure you, Will, that nothin's changed from yesterday to today.
Will: Honestly?
Deputy: Honestly.

Brenda: Let's talk a little about last night. Why were you in that particular part of Griffith Park?
Rusty: I like the view from up there.
David: There... was no view from where you were.
Rusty: That's what I like about it.

Deputy: Just... go home.
Det. Lt. Provenza: Is that how they say "You're fired" in the South?"

Fritz: Are there any questions?
Brenda: Well, yeah. How did Austin Blair end up dead?
Special: We don't know.
David: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. We track this guy down, we find the body, and you guys tell us nothing? I mean, this-this-this is our big briefing?
Will: Yeah. Welcome to the FBI, everyone.

Mike: [pulling out a swab] Now this is the latest in LAPD technology.
[Wipes it on suspect's ring and rubs it against a metal contraption]
Will: Lt. Provenza, what is the bag that Lt. Tao has?
Louie: I believe that holds his personal grooming items.
Mike: [to suspect] You don't want this to turn red.
Will: OK, what is he doing now?
Louie: Well, it looks like he is about to spray the suspect's ring with a little squirt of breath freshener.
Mike: Oooooh, it's positive.
Dean: Oh, man.

Brenda: Daddy, you wanna know why I'm late? I been listening to a man tell me how he stabbed 16 women to death!
Clay: Well, I love you, too.

Peter: Francis B. Watson?
Buzz: What? Why me?
Andy: Why Francis? That's the real question.

Will: Chief Johnson believes that you are the best detectives in the building; so, prove her right.

Deputy: Ashley was babysittin' for one of her professors, a Mr. Alex Banks, the man who drove her home the night she died; and, according to his wife, the professor had an affair with another student ten months ago.
David: How'd the wife find out?
Deputy: The professor paid for the young woman's abortion on his credit card.
Dr. Morales: Mm, careless. That's why it's a good idea to keep cash around the house.

Andy: How long do you think the Commander is gonna stare into that grave?
Fritz: You guys might wanna consider putting Taylor on suicide watch.

[Brenda's investigation leaves Alex's personal life in ruins, with strong parallels as to how the lawsuit may affect Brenda's professional life as well]
Deputy: I certainly know how hard it is to be accused of things you haven't done.
Professor: Yeah. I'm not exactly innocent, though, am I? That's the trouble. I cheated on my wife and my family - more than once, honestly, because I thought I could get away with it - but not every mistake can be fixed with an apology, no matter how sorry you are.
Deputy: Well, you're owning up to what you've done. That's a start.
Professor: At what?

Andy: Chief, you get upset with us when we break the rules, you get upset with us when we follow the rules. If you wanna beef us for pulling you out of a bomb scene, be my guest!

[repeated line about Commander Taylor making a public fool of himself]
Fritz: I can live with that.

Det. Lt. Provenza: I'm glad he's dead. Cuz that would've really hurt.

Deputy: Yes, Lieutenant, it's always good news when suspects in a homicide can point to us for their alibi.

Russell: I-I would really hate to see you get blown up by a pipe bomb just as I... I've gotten used to you.

Det. Andy Flynn: And when she disappeared, we all thought she'd committed suicide.
Brenda: Well, I suppose she could have lifted Bill Croelick's stainless steel cigarette lighter, making sure his prints were still on it, made a copy of Lisa Barnes' license, stolen a car, pushed it off a cliff - chopping off her hands and feet while discarding them en route - after setting fire to herself. Maybe she trained for her suicide at the Cirque du Soleil.

Brenda: Will someone please call the paramedics? I want her taken out of here in an ambulance.
Julio: But, Chief, she's dead.
Brenda: Well, then, you better hurry.

Brenda: [turning on the "stolen" car's radio] Ah. Classic music station.
Louie: Playing Beethoven - as everyone knows, the favorite composer for nine out of ten car thieves.

Andy: Chief, What do we do with the girlfriend?
Brenda: Tell her she's not going home.
Andy: You want to see me get slapped again.
Brenda: The thought never crossed my mind.

Brenda: Gentlemen, thank you so much for joining us.
Enrique: You're welcome, bitch.
Brenda: Well, so much for hello.

Fritz: [at home] Joel misses you. He's purring. Can you hear that?
Brenda: [at the office] Well, tell Joel I slept here last night because I had a 12-year-old murder victim in the morning, my two primary suspects turned up dead in the afternoon, and last night when I found the killer, it turned out she'd been gang-raped for the last three days.
Fritz: Well, I'm not telling Joel any of that. He's still just a kitten.

Will: You know, maybe you should not bring your dead pets to work.

Louie: Chief, ahem, what are we gonna say in those depositions?
Brenda: Just the truth, I guess.
Louie: Truth, yeah, but first, shouldn't we all agree as to what that is?

Agent: It's hurtful, isn't it, when someone thinks their job - I mean, their JOB - is more important than what a... another person might want or need? Is there anyone else we know who you think might sometimes behave like that? Hm? Anyone?
Deputy: Oh, my gosh. Doctors!

Andy: How does a job that's supposed to net us four grand, wind up costing us four grand? What do you call that - Provenza-nomics?

Brenda: Did the coroner suggest how Mr. Adams might have died?
Andy: Yeah, he said it was... could be positional asphyxiation. But you can't tell for sure because there's so much of this guy you can't see. He's like an iceberg. He could have died from some bullet wound to the chest that never found an exit, or... Or...
Rest of the squad: Get out of the way!
Brenda: Or what, lieutenant?
Rest of the squad: - Move! - Stop!
Andy: Or... he could also have died from some bizarre traffic accident.
Brenda: Traffic accident?
Andy: Or maybe... an electrical fire. Chief, you know, I'm gonna have to call you back

Mike: Martin Lawson, murdered his mother. He was convicted in June of '94.
Russell: He came at Flynn in court... swore his brothers would get Flynn for calling his mama ugly.
Detective Lt. Provenza: That's what got him talking. Flynn is the guy that broke him.
Lieutenant: By the way, his mother was ugly.
Deputy: What are you doing here? You've got over 30 stitches.
Lieutenant: Look, if you're trying to find somebody connected to me... don't you think you have a better chance identifying them with my help?
Detective Lt. Provenza: Chief, don't worry. He won't do much. Like usual. It's just until we make the guy and then Flynn is going home.

Louie: [whispering] How'd you like to make a quick two-thousand bucks, cash?
Andy: No, thanks. Anything that begins with you whispering always ends with other people shouting.

Captain: May I ask you a question?
Deputy: Sure, Captain. Why not?
Captain: Do you really not want to be Chief of Police?
Deputy: No, I don't.
Captain: And as a woman, don't you feel an obligation to at least give it a try?
Deputy: As a woman, I feel I've earned the right to options, and one of my options should be to say no.
Captain: You don't think that I wanted to spend my career in Internal Affairs, doing a job that leaves me disliked and mistrusted by my fellow officers every day of my life? No, I chose I.A. because I thought it was the quickest way to achieve rank. And I also thought it'd be good for the department to see a woman in a Captain's uniform. And, of course, you got your job the old-fashioned way.
Deputy: How's that?
Captain: By sleeping with the boss. That's not an insult. It is a time-honored way of moving forward, but those roads are not open to everyone, and you have the chance to maybe change that a little.
Deputy: So, you're saying I should take the job whether I want it or not.
Captain: Yes. Please make the oh-so-terrible sacrifice of accepting a promotion that offers you more money, prestige, and power than any other job in the city. And, if it will help you with the suffering, you'll not only be a positive role model for little girls all over this country, but I personally will feel very... I will feel very proud to have a Chief that I can truly admire.

Russell: I'm not even sure this guy's in a gang, and look how angry he is.

Deputy: Our dead... paparazzo may have taken some compromising photos.
Asst. Police Chief Will Pope: Why do we think this?
Deputy: Because there was no camera.
Captain: Who's your witness?
Deputy: Elvis Presley. He's also a suspect.
Captain: Let's just tell the press, "No Comment".

Fritz: Brenda, the evidence isn't lost. It's just... out for a joyride.
Deputy: I don't need sarcasm. I need the evidence.
Fritz: Well, don't look at me. The FBI stopped manufacturing evidence in the late '90s.

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope: I am looking for some instant shut-up - NOW!

Fritz: Why are you interested in a missing gnome?
Brenda: 'Cause he saw the murder, up close and personal.

Brenda: And as soon as the coroner has finished with his autopsy, I'll have Mr. Hodge's body returned to you for reburial.
Maggie: Don't bother. As far as I'm concerned, you can burn them - and I'm not talking some fancy cremation, either. I'm talking... gasoline, paint thinner... and strike a match.

Brenda: Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[to Detective Dick Tracy]
Brenda: Mr. Baird, this is not a game where one of us says,"It was done in the library with a candlestick by Mr. Mustard!"

[describing the victim based on his severed head]
Deputy: Could you go back to the office, please, and search the missing persons database for a white male, early thirties, brown hair, brown eyes. Height?
Lt. Mike Tao: He's at least two feet.

Deputy: [to Provenza] Much as I'd like to see you break your own record for procedural violations in a single shift, I'd prefer if you and Lieutenant Flynn found Mr. Serabian and kept him under surveillance. Do I need to explain how that's done?

Deputy: I'll tell you what, I'll give all this money back to the FBI and you spend the rest of your life on Death Row and we'll call it even.

David: Excuse me, but where's the Chief?
Andy: She's right over there.
[Points to where she is lying down on the ground between two cars]
Andy: I'd recognize those legs anywhere.

Brenda: Try to keep the rabbit in the hat this time, will you?

Brenda: [to Capt. Raydor] I'm not goin' anywhere with you. I can't stop FID from interfering, but if you wanna be involved, you're gonna have to follow me.

Brenda: We almost met in court.
James: Yes. Yes, I remember your hair and your voice. It's odd.
Brenda: Well, thank you. That's... Thank you.

David: The doctor will see you now.

David: He fell from up there down to here?
Andy: Yeah. Back dive and a half-twist. And, would you believe, the Russian judge only gave him an 8.5?

Donald: So now you're ready to believe maybe I really did murder those seven people?
Deputy: I'm starting to, yes.
Donald: Then I'd like to withdraw my confession.

Andy: Drop your weapon and I let YOU live!

Vince: Well, like Greg used to say, "Sometimes you have to lie to tell the truth."

Andy: Candy bar?
Gail: No, thank you.
Andy: You know, when I first quit drinking, I practically lived on these things. Your body gets used to the sugar from the booze, you know.
Gail: Oh. When did you quit drinking?
Andy: I've been In AA for 15 years now. Got down to a choice between the badge and the bottle. And the badge didn't make me feel like crap when I woke up in the morning.
Gail: Well, good for you and your higher power. If your body can't tolerate alcohol, you should give It up. Glad you figured it out.
Andy: I didn't figure anything out. I just quit drinking.

Julio: Sir. The next time you receive last rites, I'll be there in the viewing room, probably standing next to your two sons - and make sure you wave before they put the needle in your arm.

Brenda: You don't understand my daddy. When he wants something, he will not stop until he gets it. Trust me on this.
Fritz: So it runs in the family, then.

Brenda: Is all this bettin' necessary?
Andy: Uh, no, ma'am.
Louie: But it makes staring at blank screens for three hours a hell of a lot more interesting.

Brenda: The school's not the target. We're IN the target.

Det. Andy Flynn: Tarpits in the middle of the city; they say LA has no center.

Sharon: I've had a job offer - Director of Internal Threats and Corporate Security at the Los Angeles Convention Center.
Russell: You're quitting?
Sharon: I'm eligible to collect my captain's pension, and I feel like it's time to work someplace where people might be glad to see me.
Will: Captain, do not feel that you are unappreciated.
Sharon: I walk into a room, it goes silent. I can't say hello to anyone outside the Professional Standards Bureau without provoking a defensive response. Between that and a few things in my personal life, I feel that it's time for me to go.
Will: Captain, you can not retire tight now. No one else is nearly as familiar with this federal case against us; and, with all due respect to your issues, Major Crimes is run by a deputy chief and three lieutenants. Replacing you with a lower ranking officer, it's... i-it's not even possible. I have no one else for this job.
Sharon: I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry, sir.
Will: All right, when the promotions freeze is over, I will make you a commander.
Russell: Wow. That's quite an offer, Captain.
Sharon: Thank you, Chief... but I feel I've had enough.

Andy: You consider treating cancer a business?
Dr. Stephen Parr: I'm sorry. Do you wear that badge for free?

Andy: I can't blame them. Those gangs, if they think you talked to the cops, they kill your dog. If they know you talked to the cops, they kill you.

Brenda: Do I look hurt to you, Will?
Asst. Police Chief Will Pope: No. Unless I'm mistaken, that's your angry face.

Rick: Lieutenant Flynn. Good to see you looking so well. Oh, I spoke too soon. What happened?
Lieutenant: Some guy brought a knife to a gunfight.
Rick: I gather you had the gun.

Will: Lt. Provenza, your desk from Parker Center is city property. It was supposed to be sold at audition.
Louie: It was. I bought it. This desk is the longest relationship of my adult life and I am NOT giving it up.

Chief: Did you just say "hippies" and "Mary Jane?"
Louie: Yes, I did.
Chief: How old are you?
Louie: Six chiefs and counting.

Sharon: As good as Coach Carr's intentions are, his actions were illegal.
Brenda: Or you could say that the challenges he faced at work forced him to look for unorthodox solutions; and now, for goin' above and beyond the call of duty, he'll probably lose his job.
Sharon: Well, maybe it's time for him to move on.
Brenda: I don't know. He seemed to be doin' important work... even if it wasn't fully appreciated by his boss and fellow teachers. There's something about that I find... admirable.
Sharon: Me, too.

Deputy: Sir, I've had a terrible day. I'm anxious, I'm stressed, and a little shaky.
Mateo: [feeling Brenda's gun at the back of his head] Aah...
Deputy: So if you don't drop your gun right now, I'm gonna put a bullet through your head. Are we clear?
[Mateo drops his gun]
Mateo: Why... Why are you arresting me?
Deputy: Because shootin' you would get us in a lot of trouble.

Beth: You lied to me.
Brenda: Welcome to Hollywood.

Richard: [to Brenda] Eh, you ever get tired of always playing the bad cop?

Andy: So, you ready to go - Louie?
Louie: [chuckles] Call me that just once more and Georgette won't be my only ex-partner without a penis.

Andy: [to Lt. Provenza] Well, you served the warrant, Pope did the notification, I wonder what the hell I'm doing right now.

Detective Lt. Provenza: [referring to the unrepentant killer] See, Gabriel, that's the kind of people that lawyers hang out with. You better take a long, hard look at your life choices, my friend.
Sgt. David Gabriel: Come on.
Captain: Attorneys protect us from people like this, Lieutenant.
Detective Lt. Provenza: Protect us? How?
Captain: Imagine what we would do with a man like this if we didn't know he had an attorney coming.

Assistant: Look, I don't know exactly what happened that day, but obviously dropping Turell Baylor off in front of angry gang members was not Chief Johnson's finest hour.
Captain: And insisting on immunity for a child killer was not yours.

[from trailer]
Brenda: If I liked being called a bitch to my face I'd still be married.

Dep. Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson: How'm I gonna tell that man his wife was eaten by coyotes?

Major: You ever deal with her before?
Fritz: Uh, on and off.
Major: Piece of work. My opinion, she needs to get laid.
Fritz: Hmm. I don't think that's the problem, really.

Deputy: Do you know how hard it is to do your job while humoring so many difficult people?
Will: [taken aback that he's hearing this from Brenda, of all people] I might have some idea. Yeah.

Deputy: How 'bout this? Sign off on our overtime today and I promise I won't dig up any of those other dead bodies. We'll just find some other way to solve this thing.
Will: [thinking it over, unaware that Brenda is hiding the cremated remains of "those other dead bodies" behind her] Deal, but I'm holding you to that.

Louie: Apropos of nothing, really, when can Major Crimes start planning your retirement party? I wanna bring the balloon animals myself.

Gavin Q. Baker III: Oh, my God. I was on the verge of having this entire case thrown out. Now it's up in the air. Where's Capt. Raydor?
Deputy: Sh-she's back in her office. Why?
Gavin Q. Baker III: I have to talk to her before another lawsuit is filed against you by the family of your newest dead suspect. You know, if you could afford it, I could drop everyone else in my practice and defend you for a living.
Deputy: You know, that man was going to kill me.
Gavin Q. Baker III: Maybe he thought he'd end up representing you in court.

Captain: I would also like to say that I'm fully aware that at the beginning of this investigation I was a terrible bitch.
Deputy: I'd... say it was more in the middle, a-and near the end.
Captain: But I still believe that if you had talked the husband earlier, that he might...
Deputy: He might still be alive. Yes, I thought about that. And about how I might have resisted talking to him, because...
Captain: Because I suggested it.
Deputy: It's possible. Um, but um, I did want to say that, uh... I-I do think it might be beneficial for the LAPD if we...
Deputy: [overlapping Sharon] ... were to work a bit better together.
Captain: [overlapping Brenda] If you'd just do as I say.
[both laugh nervously]
Captain: The thing is...
Deputy: We just don't like each other.
Captain: No. We don't. Oh, my goodness, no.
Deputy: No, we don't.

Charlie: [To Brenda] Do you not want me here?

Julio: Kills me. White people pay all this money to store their family in places like this. We throw some carpet in the garage - everyone's welcome.

Brenda: If the autopsy report reads accident...
Will: Yeah. Or suicide. Suicide would be great.
Brenda: ...I'll be sure to let you know.
Will: Don't make work for yourself.

Alex: Where did you get the money?
Angie: I entered your picture in the ugly contest and you won the grand prize.

Julio: Ruben's better off with me and my family, and I'm not giving him back.

Buzz: You should watch how you kiss her. Your gun almost went off.
Louie: You have no idea.

Raymond: There are two ways you can contact us. Um, one is with the tip line. The other's by sending an e-mail, like this one: Um, "To whom it may concern. My neighbors are building a retaining wall, and not only does their contractor start work too early..." - which is a very common complaint; we get it all the time, um - "... he doesn't have a permit posted in the front yard." I don't know why people even care that happened. "Could you check on this for me? Sincerely, John David Dale." And that was dated four days ago.
Brenda: Well, that is extremely unusual.
Raymond: Why is that?
Brenda: Because when he wrote this, Mr. Dale was buried beneath the retaining wall he was complaining about.

Brenda: So, how you doin'?
David: I'm, uh... I'm kinda pissed at being shot at.

Brenda: Detective, a choice needs to be made regarding your situation, and Lt. Provenza is going to help you make it.

Brenda: Nice place.
Detective: Except for the murder.
Brenda: Well, we all have a past.

Andy: [about the former Det. Andrews] Oh, yeah. He's a real lady.
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: And I can't put Det. Andrews on the stand like that.
Brenda: Why not? We need her testimony, not her testicles.

Brenda: He's right. Sometimes violence is the only way to teach people how wrong they are.

Louie: The King is dead...
Andy: Yeah. Long live the Pope...

Brenda: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Father: How long has it been since your last confession?
Brenda: Well, I almost got one last night, but the suspect, Manuel Rivera, a.k.a. Mateo Hernandez, was killed in the county jail.
Father: You say Manuel is dead?
Brenda: Officially... yes.

Det. Julio Sanchez: You have the right to *shut up*! Any stupid thing you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If your broke ass can't afford an attorney, one will be appointed to your stupid ass.
[Further utterances travel out of earshot]

Andy: [entering a seedy motel room] Oh, look. You can still see the chalk outline from the last person who stayed here.

Buzz: Is what we're doing even legal?
Andy: Look, we're law enforcement and we're doing it, so that makes it legal, heh-heh-heh.

Greg: Uh, don't treat me like an idiot. Worked on a law show for two years.
Mike: Well, it must not have been a very good one.

Andy: Look, your boyfriend didn't just fall off the wagon. He jumped... with both feet... and then he pushed the wagon over the cliff.

Dr. Morales: [to his Morgue assistant busying himself with an exhumed body] Can you give me a hand?
[the Morgue assistant breaks off the right hand from a body and hands it to Dr. Morales]
Dr. Morales: Thank you. Moving on.

Deputy: [showing a cell phone picture to Lt. Flynn] Is this the man who attacked you?
Sharon: I should mention that if you positively ID the victim, then this case becomes mine, right now. On the other hand, if you don't recognize this man, then this case will be investigated by Major Crimes; so, bearing all that in mind, is this the man who tried to kill you?
Lieutenant: [obviously lying] It is hard to say. It all happened so fast.
Sharon: Very good.

Eugene: [smugly] So, do I have to talk to you guys?
Brenda: Absolutely not, but I'd really like to hear about your sailing trip with Dr. Schafer.
Eugene: Mm-hm.
Brenda: Because there's nothing worse than putting the wrong man on trial, especially for murder, and around here we like to learn from our mistakes.
Eugene: Yeah? Well, you guys should be geniuses, then, all the mistakes YOU make.

Grady: Gary doesn't lie.

Phillip: Most criminals, they do their time, and when they get out of prison they go on about their lives anonymously. Sex offenders are registered until the day they die. They're branded, like animals. Now, if the state is going to punish them more harshly than other criminals, then it also assumes a special burden to prove their continuing threat to society. It's MY job to make sure the state demonstrates that threat.

Andy: Come on, let's go.
Angie: You know what I can tell about you?
Andy: What?
Angie: You hate women.
Andy: No, just you. Come on.

Fritz: She's inconsiderate, she is difficult, she's completely self-centered, she's disrespectful...
Brenda: She's sixteen. What else would she be?

Deputy: You just drove around for an hour, passed thirty hospitals until he bled out, and then you dumped his body in San Bernardino. If it's not murder, it's the worst case of littering I've ever seen.

Brenda: Watching me hunt for whose foot fits the ruby red slipper might just make her realize she's not in Kansas anymore.

Deputy: The doctor said we're in no danger of losing Daddy.
Willie: I'm not afraid of losing him. I'm worried about how to keep him.

Detective Lt. Provenza: Do you know why I hate porn? Guy delivers a pizza, it never gets eaten. Girl's refrigerator breaks, it never gets fixed.

Charlie: [to Brenda] He thinks I'm a youth volunteer.
Fritz: And the nurses think you're his sister.
Charlie: They only allow family members in the ICU. Thank God I heard you use his mom's name. Obviously Jake knows I'm not his sister, so I told HIM I was a youth volunteer. It was easier than explaining you're my aunt.
Fritz: [to Brenda, laughing] You two are so related.

Will: Why is your whole squad here on a Saturday?
Brenda: [sighs] Because killers work weekends, too, Will.

Brenda: It looks like love. That's what it looks like. Looks like love.

Bill: I will think of you often, just plain Brenda, and hope to see you... not at all.

Deputy: I may not have done right by everyone in my life, but I have always given my professional best to Will. And I've always, always done everything he told me to do.
Agent: [chuckles] You have?
[Brenda glares, he stops laughing]
Agent: No, you have. You have.

[Brenda gives an assignment]
Deputy: Consider this your chance to prove that the women weren't using you.
Andy: And if they were?
Deputy: Use 'em back.

Brenda: Sometimes good people are capable of bad things. There have to be consequences for that.

Fritz: Why can't you let the undercover detectives handle this?
Brenda: Because I want these guys alive and SIS shoots first and asks questions never. And I'll be sittin' in a surveillance van the whole time, anyhow.
Fritz: And the surveillance van's gonna be parked three blocks away.
[Brenda nods]
Fritz: [insistently] Eh, and the surveillance van is going to be parked...
Brenda: Oh, for Heaven's sakes, the surveillance van will be parked three blocks away.
Fritz: Thank you.
[hands Brenda her glass of champagne]
Brenda: Thank you.
[on stakeout the next day]
Brenda: [sighs] Can we move the van a little closer?
Mike: Not without going inside.

Deputy: Look, whenever a member of my division stumbles on a body, it is automatically a major crime.

Gavin Q. Baker III: My God, this woman!

Louie: KEEP IT DOWN! PEOPLE ARE TRYIN' TO SLEEP AROUND HERE!

Will: If you cancel this funeral and no bomb is found, you will embarrass the department and you will never be chief.
Brenda: [after a thought] I'll risk it.
Will: No, you won't.
Will: [announcing to all] Everyone, I'm canceling this memorial until further notice. My decision.

Brenda: Lt. Provenza, I really need that car, and you seem to be awfully frisky this afternoon.
Louie: Well, yes, I am. And, Chief, this is perfect weather to organize a grid search for a town car - and I could really go for a nice long walk around LAX. It'd be good for me.
Will: Okay, do we have a Breathalyzer up here?

Will: Commander, sometimes being a team player means sitting on the bench.

Deputy: What makes a child go bad? Nature or nurture?
Lieutenant: Unfortunately, Chief, by the time we get involved, it really doesn't matter.

Willie: [after having been on a tour that was completely in Chinesse] It wasn't hard to figure out what that tour guide was saying. She'd point to a mansion and say, "Chinese Chinese Chinese Robert Wagner," or, "Frank Sinatra Chinese Chinese Chinese."

Liz: Were you able to find the right amount of money for the ring?
Detective Lt. Provenza: I'm buying it from you, since I'm the only one that it meant anything to.
Liz: Oh, stop! It means something to me. It reminds me of that very special day when we officially went from two people who loved each other to husband and wife. And when I look at it, I... I also see our children and our grandkids. And the life we mighta had.
Detective Lt. Provenza: But you'll still take the check.
Liz: Yes.

Louie: [seeing Claire go into a trance] You be careful out there.

[running gag on word choice]
Deputy: So how does a criminal with a drug history end up dead in the bathroom of a stewardess's condo?
Julio: Uh, I think they're called "flight attendants" now, Chief.

Will: What's wrong?
Brenda: I just, uh... I just forgot to take Kitty out of my purse this morning.

Louie: A relationship based on love is worth fighting for. Isn't it?
Andy: Who ARE you?

Brenda: [viewing robbery footage] They wait for someone to leave. Why don't they enter directly?
Buzz: Most marijuana dispensaries have electronic security doors that only unlock from the inside.
Louie: And you know this because...?
Buzz: My mom has a prescription for pot.
Brenda: Oh. What's wrong with her?
Buzz: She has insomnia and glaucoma. I-I have to guide her to the door sometimes.
Andy: Ever buy anything?
Julio: How do you think he got the name "Buzz?"

Clay: If I am tired. it's because I'm tired of people telling me I'm tired - especially you, Willie Ray! I am bone-weary of the word "tired!" Now, y'all can go back to ignoring me because now I am going to bed.

Brenda: There is no substitute for sugar.

Dr. Leonard: So, then, other than possible early onset menopause, getting engaged, having your parents come into town, buying a new house, and being attacked by a cattle prod then shooting and killing your assailant, there's nothing significant happening in your life.
Brenda: Why d'you have to say it like that?

[Chief Pope has filled out a complaint against Brenda]
Sharon: At one time he may have been your friend and something more than that, but he is also your boss and he's demanding that you recognize his authority.

Will: Um, ahem, on the, uh, Summers case, we seem to have blood but no body, a car but no driver, and a ransom but no money to pay it. Is there any chance you figured out who murdered whom?

Andy: So, tell me. When a classy dame like you is dating a double murderer, how many dinners does he have to buy you before he gets to smack you around?

Fritz: But you had a lot of nerve, Brenda, calling me a liar. A lot of nerve.
Brenda: What's THAT supposed to mean?
Fritz: It means it's funny being accused of being dishonest by someone who lies all the time.
Brenda: I do not lie all the time.
Fritz: You lie all the...
Brenda: When?
Fritz: When? You lie to your parents. In fact, you lie to your parents so much we had to have an extra phone line installed for over a year so they wouldn't know I was living here. You lie to Pope CONSTANTLY about what you do at work. You lie to me now when you say you're gonna do something like "look for a house" when you know you're not! You lied when you said you'd put THIS place on the market. You promised you'd do that three months ago and you never did it.
Brenda: That is not a lie! It's just... I get busy, that's all. It's not the same thing!
Fritz: You know, you're right. It's not the same thing. You and I, we have different flaws, Brenda, but I have been more... I have been MORE than patient with yours because I am pretty aware of how bad mine are; but, for you to say that you don't trust me, to suggest that our whole relationship is on the line because of mistakes I made before we started dating?... You throw the word "if" at me while you're wearing that ring?...
[silence]

[last lines]
Fritz: That's not my cat.
Clay: It is now, son, and you better make that cat very happy.

Sharon: Asking all these questions at every one of your crime scenes for the past two months, I am feeling less like a captain and more like a hall monitor every day. I understand the importance of the federal lawsuit we are facing, but I am not convinced that my constant presence in your division is necessary; and, there is something else. There is something else that I've been meaning to tell you.

Chief: For two years the FBI has been investigating a federal attack on an IRS office. Now, even if you're right and Mason was aiming at the firemen, they'd be too embarrassed to admit they were on the wrong track for so long.
Brenda: So we just give the case back to 'em?
Chief: We couldn't have said anything to change what happened, but now the FBI can do what they do best - find a missing fugitive - while we use the resources of our combined divisions to investigate your crazy idea that the murdered paramedics were just the first casualties of a larger assault.

Brenda: Okay, just... just give me a second here. Bad lies are confusin' me.

Brenda: You're always saying' I need to listen to outside opinions more, and the opinion of our best psychiatrist is that I'm ready to go back to work.
Will: Really? Ready for work. That's what she said?
Brenda: Yeah, more or less.
Will: Huh.
Will: [reading from his computer screen] "To: Chief Pope. From: Dr. Leonard. RE:..."You" Deputy Chief Johnson is not fit for full investigative duties. She is exhausted, disconnected, distracted, and in denial of deep emotional issues. Allowing Deputy Chief Johnson to resume a full workload could put her and other members of the LAPD at risk."
Brenda: Well, that is just... nuts!
Will: According to the department shrink, so are you.

Brenda: How about you, Bill? Anyone special in your life.
Bill: Oh, no. I'm still carrying a little torch for you.

Brenda: Killin' someone's not my idea of closin' a case, anyway.

Fritz: Now, do you want the visitors lists to the prisons at Lompoc at Terminal Island or not?
Brenda: Are you telling' me that you're refusing' to help me with my murder investigation because I can't go househuntin' with you today? Is that what you're saying'?
Fritz: Yeah. Good. I don't have to explain it to ya.

Charlie: [learning her privacy was invaded] Recording me!
Deputy: I'm only doing this to protect Jake.
Charlie: No one believes that, including you.
[Charlie exits]
Fritz: [glaring at Brenda] Including me.

Det. Andy Flynn: Hey, relax! How about we pretend like we're police officers?

Will: You know what this sounds like to me? A major crime. Is there any way I can help you that won't cost thousands of dollars from another division or interrupt an ongoing investigation?
Brenda: No.

Deputy: You lied about going on a date, about being in her apartment, and you lied about having sex with her.
Fritz: When you say it all out loud like that, it sounds pretty bad.

Sam: Shea's Lounge. It's a... kind of our showpiece strain. Nobody else had it. It's a 40% indica/60% sativa hybrid. It's like a cross between Skywalker and Super Skunk with a little ruderalis thrown in to reinforce the THC content. Shea created it.
Louie: Did he apply for the Nobel Prize?

Fritz: Whenever you don't get what you want, you go straight for the jugular, every time. What is that?

Captain: Look, whether or not you like it - whether or not I like it, frankly - I have to finish this audit, which means I need to speak to your people.
Deputy: No, you don't. You're questioning my investigation and my orders. That audit should begin and end with me.
Captain: But it won't.

Det. Lt. Provenza: [looking at the blonde who has just rolled out of Ray Hodge's dropped casket] Wow. Looks like you *can* take it with you.

Deputy: [to Sergeant Gabriel, on notifying relatives of a homicide] Now watch carefully. You're about to become a main character in someone's story of their worst day ever.

Brenda: Thank you, thank you so much.

Louie: Family Law Attorneys Real Property Lien - FLARPL.
Andy: Sounds like something you'd get at a Dairy Queen - in India.

Brenda: You're the one who wants kids.
Fritz: I wanna be ignored and alienated by my own children, not someone else's. She's going home - tonight.

Fritz: Just hand me the damn angel.

James: When I'm off medication, I have "friends."

Deputy: [upon learning the victim seduced eight women for his TV show] He did this to eight women and he only got shot once?

Dr. Terrence: Uh, sorry it's taken' so long but, uh, I'm having a hard time getting this guy out of your box.

Detective Lt. Provenza: [going through the suspect's room] Wait a minute. I do recognize him. Yeah, Baxter. Donald Baxter. He had the police beat on the newspaper when I was first starting out, Chief. How did he end up here?
Julio: Don't worry, Lieutenant. I'll come visit you.

Rusty: [frustrated with Brenda's focus on the murdered women] They're dead! Don't you get it? They are dead! You can't help them anymore! Or is it just that you don't want to bother with ME? Is that is? You just want to use me like everybody else?
Brenda: Don't say that. That's not true.
Rusty: Isn't it? I mean, you haven't even asked one real question about my life, not even a, you know, "Gosh, Rusty, what a crappy situation you've got having to spend your sixteenth birthday working as a street treat."

Deputy: All right, then, um, so I should talk to her.
Captain: Um, before you do, I'm trying to avoid creating problems, and if I'm... if I'm overreacting to what I saw, and if I'm wrong about this...
Assistant: But if you're right, then this is an assault on one of our employees, which cannot to be ignored, and which Captain Raydor should not investigate on her own; so, I would like Major Crimes to discretely examine the life of Detective Moore and report back to me.
Deputy: I-I-I can't start a criminal investigation unless she files a complaint of some kind.
Captain: I was hoping, Chief, that maybe you would be able to see past the obstacles in this particular situation.
Deputy: The obstacles that you're talkin' about are the justice system and I can't create charges out of thin air. I need an evidence.
Captain: Of course, you do, but you can easily do an oblique interview with that husband.
Deputy: Uh, I'm sorry, who-who's in charge of this investigation?
Assistant: You are. Captain Raydor, I promise you that Chief Johnson will pursue this inquiry vigorously, but let's leave to her the when and where she will approach the husband.
Assistant: [to Johnson] In the meantime, we will tread VERY LIGHTLY here. Is that clear?
Deputy: Of course. Um, if we're going to do this by the book, I should start by getting a statement from Detective Moore's immediate superior officer.
Captain: I figured you'd ask that so I prepared one.

Justin: All right, I think I should get my one phone call and talk to my dad. He's an criminal attorney, okay, so I think I know a bit more about the justice system than the average person you drag in here.
Brenda: Lt. Flynn, would you please hand Mr. Dracy your phone? As I'm sure you're aware, Mr. Dracy, given your vast knowledge of the law, that the age of consent for male-male sex in the state of California is eighteen.
Justin: I'm nineteen... in two months.
Brenda: Many happy returns. Eric Wallace, the boy who you are currently tutorin', is seventeen. Make sure to tell your father that the charges against you will include but will not necessarily be limited to statutory rape and sex with a minor. I look forward to meetin' your family. I can only imagine how proud they'll be.

[If Pope becomes Chief and Brenda becomes Assistant Chief, the position as the leader of Major Crimes becomes open]
Will: What about Taylor?
Brenda: What about him?
Will: You know, for Major Crimes. Well, think about it. He's been very supportive.
Brenda: So send him a basket of muffins.

Debbie: Why are you treating Marc like this?
Andy: To be completely honest with you, ma'am, he looks like trouble.

Dr. Morales: Notice anything unusual about your vic's face?
Dep. Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson: Don't make me guess.
Dr. Morales: Coyotes always feed on the body's soft tissue first. My guess is they left her face alone because of the seasoning.
Dep. Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson: Excuse me?
Dr. Morales: Someone doused your vic with pepper spray, which might explain why she drove off the cliff in the first place.

James: And did you find me well-behaived?
Julio: Oh, yeah. You were great.

Ricardo: Do you really want the killer to know that you've got him on tape?
Brenda: [together] No comment.

Julio: The important thing here, Chief: J-Rock was killed by his own gang.
Brenda: Like Turell.
Julio: Like Turell. That's not done without permission.
Brenda: So, who's the shot-caller inside the One-Ten-Crips? Is there a way to follow the money trail on an inside gang killing?
Julio: It's all cash business, but we could look back to see if any of the One-Ten-Crips spent a lot of money after Turell died, but that's only gonna help get the kids who did the dirty work and not the guy in charge.
Brenda: If whoever ordered the hit on J-Rock also ordered the hit on Turell, then all this violence goes back to the convenience store Turell robbed, the owner and his grandson that he shot to death.
Julio: Looking at that store - s'a good idea. It was protected. There's gotta be a reason for that.
Brenda: Maybe we should also find out who paid for the funerals of that poor old man and that little boy.
Julio: Not we. You.
Brenda: Whadda you mean?
Julio: Chief, Goldman's here, in this print shed, right now. Everything that you say and everything that you do will get back to him. You need to follow up without us. When you're not sure who you can trust, Chief - don't trust anyone.
Brenda: But, Julio, these people are my friends.
Julio: That's what J-Rock was thinking when he parked the car.

Willie: Well, there's something I really ought to tell you. It'll only take a minute.
Deputy: Well, can it wait till tomorrow morning? We could have breakfast and talk about whatever you like.
Willie: All right tomorrow. Only, honey, you can't keep working like this your whole life. It'll catch up with you.
Deputy: I expect it will, but not tonight. Bye.
Willie: Drive carefully.

Rusty: It's just easier if we all just pretend I'm eighteen, all right? Please? If I'm eighteen, I'll help you guys out, deal?

Roger: You don't understand. If they put me back in general population, they'll beat me. They'll beat me.
Brenda: No, Roger, I do understand. What I'm tryin' to tell you is - I don't care.

Russell: Thirty years on the force and I get a cubicle. A cubicle!

Fritz: You know the interesting thing about illusions? See, the magician rehearses over and over again until it's perfect - but practice doesn't make perfect. It makes a pattern; and, if you have a pattern, you can prove intent; and, with intent, you get... murder.

Louie: What's this?
Andy: We're joining the FBI, but it's only temporary - like love.

Fritz: Is there anything special you want from Santa this year?
Brenda: Maybe an Albanian translator.
Fritz: Oh, you are so hard to shop for.

Brenda: Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza - with me, with me, with me.

Gail: I am not an alcoholic.
Brenda: Okay. But you are definitely a murderer.

Ashley: Do you know how to be quiet?
Louie: I think so.
Ashley: Well, that's too bad, because I only know how to be loud.

Brenda: [interviewing a beaten man] Nobody ENCOURGED you to come talk to me?
Miguel: Absolutely not. I am here on my own violation.

Brenda: Thank you, doctor. It's been a real pleasure working with you.
Dr. Fernando Morales: Likewise. Now, be quiet. When my patients talk to me, I run screaming from the building.

Will: [summarizing the case] An "unidentified" woman may or may not have talked her "unidentified" boyfriend into murdering her, yes, "unidentified" husband.
Brenda: Well, there are a few gaps, but we're workin' hard on finding out who these people are, or were, anyway.

James: [recalling the last time he visited his doctor's office] There's no one else there. The lady who usually sits behind the sliding glass window was gone - or maybe she was invisible.

Bill: Hello, just plain Brenda.

Fritz: You're so great at imagining the worst - that's part of why you're good at your job - but try, just... for a minute... imagining something better.

Deputy: So the baseball bat didn't kill him?
Dr. Morales: No. Though it probably really annoyed him as he was dying of a broken neck.

Rodney: You're Michael Tao?
Buzz: That's *Lieutenant* Michael Tao.
Louie: He's adopted.

Brenda: We are running him down the flagpole and that's all that there is to it. If you want to examine the body, you may do so after I'm done.
[Albert's body comes crashing through the window]
Brenda: I'm done.

Sgt. David Gabriel: You have the right to remain silent! Why don't you use it?

Rusty: Bad men are how I make a living. I hang out where all the bad men go. Bad men like to talk to me, and it doesn't hurt anybody to listen.

Brenda: How do you know he was killed in Mexico? It doesn't say so on the photograph.

Assistant: By the way I saw myself on TV, in the uniform, Why did you not tell me I'd gotten so...
Deputy: Sorry. You're fat. Feel better.

[Sgt. Gabriel, suspended for beating a suspect, finally returns to the office]
Deputy: [on her way out with Lt. Provenza] Oh, Sgt. Gabriel... uh, if you could, please, babysit the suspect while I'm gone?
[Gabriel silently accepts]
Deputy: Thank you.
[Johnson leaves]
Detective Lt. Provenza: [in passing Sgt. Gabriel] There's no need to beat information out of this old man. He's been confessing all morning.
[Gabriel silently goes on about his duty]

Clay: I hope we didn't cancel our plans to spend our holiday in Florida just so we can listen to our daughter talk on her cell phone the whole week.

Louie: Thirty-year-old single man lives alone with no pornography. *That's* suspicious.