The Best The Office, Season 6, Episode 13 Quotes

Michael: You know what? Christmas isn't about Santa or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you... feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you are my wife, and Jim... And Angela and Phyllis, you are my... grandmas. And Stanley, you are... our mailman.

Michael: It's hard for me to imagine a scenario where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not.

- Andy, was this you?
- It's a secret.
- No, Andy had Erin.
Phyllis: It was a secret.
- Pam: Michael! Phyllis: You...
- What? Was I not supposed to say?
- What? Turn it back on.

Michael: David guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can either tell me or I'm going to hang up.
Michael: I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.

Kevin: I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted.
Michael: Okay, you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.
Kevin: Awesome.

- Yes! We are unveiling an artificial tree that will never die.
- Yes. Like the spirit of Christmas.
- And we're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off a fake tree?
- This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work!
- Merry Christmas.

Kevin: Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.

[Phyllis, dressed as Santa Claus, is handing out the Secret Santa gifts while Michael, dressed as Jesus, sits sullenly in a chair heckling her with a karaoke machine]
Phyllis: [to Dwight] This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch.
Dwight: We don't have a North Pole branch, idiot.
[he jumps up and snatches the parcel out of her hands]
Michael: [sarcastic and deadpan] Uh-oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is it?
Dwight: [opens the parcel to reveal another assembly piece for his gift] YES!
Michael: Oh yes, it's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.
[sing-song]
Michael: Deck the halls with crappy gifts...
Phyllis: [moves to Stanley] And Stanley, ho ho ho! You've been very good this year.
[she hands him a small box]
Stanley: I have.
[he takes the box and opens it]
Michael: Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible, people. What'd he get?
Kevin: He got scented candles.
Michael: Oh, well that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going, better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockeysticks. Going to hell, Stanley.
Angela: Amen!
Phyllis: [moves to Angela and hands her a wrapped parcel] And this brings us to you, little one.
Michael: I can't see from here, people. Somebody shout it out. Don't make me get up.
Angela: [opens the parcel] It's fabric. I really wanted this.
Michael: That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
Angela: Andy, was this you?
Phyllis: It's a secret. It was a secret.
Michael: No, Andy had... Erin.
Andy: [uncomfortable] That...
Pam: Michael!
Phyllis: You...
[sighs exasperatedly]
Michael: [sarcastically] What, was I not supposed to say...
[Jim shuts off the karaoke machine, cutting Michael off]
Michael: Wha... Turn it back on.
Jim: No.
[Michael drops the microphone, gets out of his chair and petulantly stalks into his office, slamming the door behind him]

Michael: If this were Russia, yeah. Sure, everybody would go to one Santa and there would be a line around the block, and once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted. You would say, probably, "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.

Michael: Earlier today, this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. Now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot into.

Calvin,2265: [They see Madge eat lasagna from a pan] Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield...
Meredith: That woman is a beast.

Dwight: It's true. Yes.
Dwight: We all walk alone. Jim.
- Jim.
Dwight: Come on. Shall we?
- Jim.
- My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
- Take it away, Andy.

- I don't mind if I do. Thank you.
Dwight: Thank you, Santa.
- Okay, happy holidays.
- It's real slippery out here.
- Oh, my god.
- Twelve drummers drumming.

Michael: Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Clause over there, when you can sit on my lap? Phyllis is only pretending to be a man. I'm the real thing!. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt.

Michael: Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.