50 Best Meredith Palmer Quotes

Jim: Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go.
Meredith: Hey, back off. It's Solitaire.
Creed: Hey, kid. Hear you're looking for work.
Jim: Talk to me.
Creed: How far can you reach those lovely, long arms of yours?
[Jim stretches his arms]
Creed: Eh, put 'em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours?
[Jim holds his breath]
Creed: Good.
Gabe: Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people?
Creed: We're working.
Gabe: Can you at least try to look busy?

Meredith: You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct...
Jim: Thank you, Meredith.
Meredith: when he was telling us his dumb-ass plan.

- Here they come!
Meredith: Go, go, go!
- Guys.
- What is going on? Nothing.
- Guys, timer's still going.
- That's my stopwatch.

Meredith: Hey, so that good-lookin' single brother of yours, heard he was in a downward spiral with booze.
Andy: Yeah, he's in rehab, actually.
Andy: Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.

Meredith: Hey, boom guy.
- Oh, hey, Meredith.
- When are you going to boom me?
- Uh, listen, they're cracking down on us talking to the subjects.
- It's a lame rule, but, you know, I want to... I have to...
- I'll see you later. Got it.

Meredith: Somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall. Which is so messed up. It's 6782 not 83.
Creed: 6783 is also a good time. Less mileage.

Andy: [after Kelly kisses Andy] That was weird.
Meredith: No it ain't. We all saw the valentine you gave her.
Andy: I don't even know what that card said.
Meredith: Believe me, if I got that card, we'd be in the bathroom doin' it right now.

Angela: Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam: I think that's champagne.
[Angela spits champagne back into her glass]
Michael: Hello, ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Ben: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin?
Ben: Knickers in fact, yes!
Michael: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben: Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
Ben: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
Michael: And when they came over on the Mayflower.
[imitates porn music]
Meredith: Wait, this is the entertainment?
Michael: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and, Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave, I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one.
[Points to Phyllis]

[during a talking heads segment about Jan's boob job]
Meredith: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than to the front.
Kevin: I love fake boobs. Oftentimes, you find them on strippers.
Creed: I find it offensive. Au naturel, baby. That's how I like them. Swing low, sweet chariots.

Meredith: [deleted scene] Pam said you had something important to tell me. Is it bad? Am I getting fired?
[Jim shakes head 'no']
Meredith: Why aren't you telling me? It must be bad. They're taking away my kid. I knew it.
[Jim waves arms and shakes head 'no']
Meredith: They're not taking away my kid. Oh.

- The trash. It's code.
- All right, Meredith.
- Take off your dress.
- Okey-dokey.
- No, dear god, no.
- It's in the trashcan.
- In the kitchen.
Meredith: It's coming off either way.

Dwight: Where are they?
Kevin: They're in the trash. They're in the trash.
Dwight: The trash. It's code. All right, Meredith, take of your dress!
Meredith: Okey dokey.
Kevin: No! Dear God, no! It's in the trash can.

- We can stay a little longer.
- Really?
Angela: Yeah.
Meredith: Yeah. Sure, Michael.
Kelly: Yeah.
- No, this is great. Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Meredith: [while shaving her head] You know, I think these critters migrated from down south.

Michael: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
Meredith: I don't remember doing that!
Angela: What a surprise.

Michael: Well we should head out.
Meredith: No, no, no, you gotta stay. I have Vienna Sausages, and I have napkins. Let me fix you breakfast.

Jakey the Stripper: Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever.
Phyllis: Angela, special repairman is here.
Angela: Wait, what is this?
Meredith: Shut up! Jakey?
Jakey the Stripper: Mom?
Pam: Wait, wait, what?
Jakey the Stripper: Oh man!
Meredith: No no no no, just do your work. Pretend Mom's not here.
Pam: That seems inappropriate.
Meredith: Give 'em a good show, my little entrepreneur.

Meredith: Hey, Boom guy.
Brian: Oh, hey Meredith.
Meredith: When are you gonna boom me?

Meredith: Suck it, Oscar.

Dwight: Number one: Inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Jan: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly, but many women ask to go over it, so, "fumble" means...
Phyllis: Mistake.
Meredith: Slip.
Jan: Right. "Par for the course" is a golf term. It means "right on track." "Below par" means "worse." Wait. That should mean better. That doesn't make sense.
Kelly: What about "second base"? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you, does that mean you, like, closed a deal?
Jan: Excuse me?
Kelly: I mean, that's a baseball term, right?
Jan: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.
[Kelly turns to the camera and winks]

Angela: [deleted scene] I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high, which is why now I swim.
Meredith: Why would I be worried? I'm not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free.

Dwight: What are you doing here?
Meredith: I saw a crowd, and thought there might be a dog fight or something.

Meredith: Hey, who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over.
Jim: Hmm, you know what? Maybe you should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitivity training. So...
Kevin: We'll stay late.

Meredith: In five years, I'd like to be five years sober.
Jan: That is an excellent goal.
Meredith: Four and a half.

Meredith: I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.

Michael: So Meredith, how was your weekend?
Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. He calls it an Upper Decker.

Meredith: Hi. I'm Meredith, and I'm an alch... Good at supplier relations.

Andy: You guys are supposed to have my back, okay? Instead, you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend.
Meredith: Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks. I emailed him shots of my junk.

Oscar: [In the kitchen, reading the note left by Pam yet unaware of who left it] "To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable as they will have to scrub up your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed."
Andy: That is just obnoxious.
Oscar: No kidding.
Pam: Yeah. Wait, what? The mess or the note?
Oscar: The note. It's so holier than thou.
Angela: Hmm... i liked it.
Pam: Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?
Andy: No... the note is *way* more obnoxious than the mess.
Meredith: "Sincerely, disappointed". Get off your high horse, richie.
Pam: Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich.
Meredith: Ah, they're rich.
Pam: [At the conference room] Yeah, I wrote the note. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not proud of it, it is what it is.
Angela: [At the conference room, different take] Everyone keeps asking me if I wrote the note on the microwave. It was rude and condescending, and a little snotty
[sighs]
Angela: I wish I had written it.

Meredith: [talking about Michael] I can't believe he has a second job.
Oscar: He's not even good at his first one.

Dwight: [the power shut off; cold opening] Uh-oh. Ok, ok, nobody panic! Listen up, listen up!
[Dwight uses a flashlight close to his face]
Dwight: Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for fourteen days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
Michael: [the power went back on] My bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet. So...
Jim: Um... it's saying the server went down? Does anybody know that password? 'Cause otherwise, we can't do any work.
Michael: Uh... try password.
Jim: Nope.
Dwight: Try 000000.
Jim: No.
Dwight: Okay, now try 000001.
Jim: Okay, I'm not doing every number.
Pam: Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up?
Michael: Uh... it was like, eight years ago?
Pam: Lord of the Rings stuff? I don't know, I'm just trying to think of things that were happening at the time.
Erin: Everyone was getting their driver's license.
Jim: Why don't we just call the IT guy who set it up? What's the name of the guy in glasses again?
Michael: Okay, moving backwards our IT guys have been... Glasses, Turban, Earhair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it.
Andy: I got it. Try, um...
[Andy coughs]
Michael: You know what? It made me laugh but Pam got really offended.
Kevin: Big boobs.
Meredith: Drama queen?
Angela: Nosy?
Pam: You're typing big boobs?
Jim: I'm trying everything.
Dwight: Try big boobs with a z.
Jim: That's...
[the password got accepted]
Jim: the password. We're in.
[the crew cheered]
Michael: The important thing is, this kept us secure, people.

Michael: Meredith, I would like you to pretend you're from Abu Dhabi.
Meredith: Hello.
Michael: I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. You are now sexy in your culture.

Angela: [Dunder Mifflin party planning committee meets in conference room to discuss holiday party festivities for the office] Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.
Phyllis: I thought you said green was whorish.
Angela: No. Orange is whorish.
[Camera pulls back to show Phyllis wearing an orange blouse]
Karen: So, I had a couple ideas to make the Stamford branch feel more at home. Each year, we have a Christmas raffle...
Angela: It would never work here.
Karen: Okay. Um, another idea was karaoke.
Angela: No.
Karen: A Christmas drinking game?
Meredith: Yes!
Angela: God help you.
Karen: What?
Angela: These are all terrible ideas. And none of them are on the theme of a Nutcracker Christmas. I think you should leave.
Karen: [laughs nervously, unsure what to do] You're kidding.
Angela: You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. Please? Thank you.
[Karen looks to Pam for help, but Pam awkardly looks down at some papers, leaving Karen to fend for herself. Angela rises and shows Karen to the door. Karen leaves the meeting]

Meredith: Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face.

Michael: Look at that.
Oscar: Huh?
Michael: Nice!
Oscar: I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: She is a beaut!
Dwight: Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself.
Oscar: Yes, it is.
Michael: Oh, look at that.
[pushing bike]
Michael: Smooth roll.
Oscar: Yeah.
Kevin: You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike!
Oscar: Yes.
Meredith: His ass was on that seat? Alright!
Kevin: Nice.
Oscar: No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses.
Kelly: I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now.
Pam: [crashing sound] Michael!
Michael: Oh, god!
Oscar: Oh...

Meredith: I've had two men fight over me before. Usually, it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.

Michael: I printed out 10 ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin read the first one.
Erin: Um, stimulate the nipples.
Michael: Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Kevin: Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
Meredith: I have a shirt like that in my car.
Michael: Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it.

Michael: I hope nobody takes this baby, 'cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.
Meredith: I'll take the oven mitt.
Michael: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.
[In his talking head interview]
Michael: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.

Dwight: [about Tallahassee trip] Oh, I'm sorry Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.
Meredith: Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
Oscar: It just feels like a slap in the face.
Dwight: I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.
Oscar: We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are.
Dwight: I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear. On who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Kevin: Well, he nailed it. Because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.

Meredith: Guys, do we have to stay all day?
Phyllis: I mean Michael's gone can't we just go?
Creed: Yeah, and I finished my work months ago.

Angela: [Commenting on her new cat] ... Needless to say, she is very very expensive.
Meredith: How much?
Angela: Seven thousand dollars.
Creed: For a cat? I can get you a kid for that.

Andy: Morning, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Don't care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy: What?
Kevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed; it's like my life is buffering.
Andy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam...
Pam: That's true.
Andy: They had, uh... weapons.
Pam: Weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job, Andy.
Kevin: Yeah
[all murmuring]
Andy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Kelly: Damn it, Meredith, where are your panties?
Meredith: It's casual day.

Andy: Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden!
Meredith: Cool!

[as the office visits Meredith in the hospital]
Meredith: They have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed: Oh, really? What kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? Palladone? What?
Meredith: I have no idea.
[Creed scoffs; the rest of the office looks shocked]

Angela: [protesting] Under no circumstances should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: [shouts angrily] Shut up, Angela!

Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight: Not likely. With three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Meredith: What does the Strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.
Kevin: Yeah.
Meredith: That scowl.
Toby: I can't talk about it or I'll get removed from the jury.
Michael: And then he will come back here and replace Holly. So stop asking him questions.