The Best Craig Ferguson Quotes

[last lines]
Simon: You know, I never thought I'd say this, but... d'you want to go to bed, grandma?
Joy: I sure would, grandpa.
Simon: Worst dirty talk ever.
Joy: Oh, shut up and kiss me.

Joy: What do you think, Simon?
Simon: I think you're confirming my worst fear that anything I do in bed will be analyzed and dissected by a pack of critical females.
Joy: *You* have nothing to worry about.
Elka: Yeah, we have no idea you're an uncut jewel.

Simon: Halle Berry is in town visiting relatives, and Star Magazine wants a shot. If I can find the smallest trace of cellulite on her thighs, I'll get the cover.
Melanie: A shot of Helle Berry with cellulite would make my day.

[last lines]
Joy: Just how unflattering was Gwyneth's bathing suit?
Simon: Hideous. Flattened her breasts and gave her back fat.
Joy: Ah! yes!

Owen: You seem like a decent guy now, but it's hard to get over all those awful things you've done.
Simon: Abandoning your mother.
Owen: Yeah. And the drug dealing. And the arson.
Simon: What! I never did those things!
Joy: When I first met Owen, I may have told him a few white lies, so he'd hate you as much as I did. Plus, I'd just shot him, and I wanted him to be on *my* side.
Simon: You *shot* him?
Owen: You lied to me!
Joy: Hah, look at us. Oh, we may have just met, but we already have a lot of baggage. We *are* a real family.

Steve: You're making me mad Barry. I'm getting real frustrated.
Evil: Don't you do it, Steven. Don't you go bananas!

Simon: Look, we might not be the first family that started out with a broken condom behind the bins of a fish 'n' chip shop, but we can be the best.

Evil: Yes, Francine's first on my list. My list to kill! My name is Barry.

[to Eret, who walks away]
Gobber: It's not your fault that you have the body of a Norse god.