50 Best Melanie Moretti Quotes

[last lines]
Joy: So, are you OK, Mel?
Melanie: Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good and you guys have a very early flight tomorrow, so please, just go to Paris and have a wonderful time.
Joy: I don't know. Somehow I can't seem to get excited about Paris any more. No Melanie.
Victoria: You know, Joy... instead of two weeks in Paris, we could spend two weeks in Cleveland; I mean, the Paris of Ohio.
Elka: No, that's Toledo.
Joy: So what should we do now?
Melanie: I say we go to that bar where the men think we're hot.
Elka: I'll drive!

[last lines]
Victoria: The hero kidney donor would like some breakfast.
Melanie: Elka.
Victoria: I would like my initials in my cappuccino foam. And not the two letters you put in there yesterday.
Joy: I say we poison her.
Elka: She's only got the one kidney. It wouldn't take much.

[first lines]
Melanie: Hey!
Elka: Oh, how was the farmers' market?
Melanie: Weird.
Joy: In L.A. a farmers' market means sushi, pâté and chilladas.
Victoria: This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

Melanie: What are we going to do? We're too young to die.
[pause]
Melanie: OK, we look too young to die.

Melanie: I'm really sorry about last night, but I really was just trying to help my friend.
Dr. Aaron Everett: Which means you're a nice person.
Melanie: Thank you.
Dr. Aaron Everett: And... I'd like to get to know the girl that broke my uterus. Dinner tonight?
Melanie: Yeah, I'd love to.
Dr. Aaron Everett: I've one more patient to see; you can wait in the waiting room.
Melanie: Okay. Wait! So, while I'm waiting you're going to get to third base with a naked woman?
Dr. Aaron Everett: That's not really how doctors think of it.
Melanie: Hm-mm. Is she attractive?
Dr. Aaron Everett: No.
Melanie: Would you tell me if she was?
Dr. Aaron Everett: No.
Melanie: Is this something I have to get used to?
Dr. Aaron Everett: Yup.

[first lines]
Elka: Look at our baby; he's so depressed.
Melanie: Maybe we should just take him back to the vet.
Joy: No, the vet said he was fine physically.
Elka: Well, maybe he's just sad because Joy looks like a bone he can't chew on.
Victoria: Or maybe because for every one of our years he ages seven. That would depress the hell out of me.

Melanie: What if he's missing me too and Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories he's flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is *our* meet on top of the Empire State Building moment?
Joy: Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?
Melanie: No! Yes. But I got it down to once a month.
Victoria: You know, I was up for a part in that movie.
Joy: Course you were.

Melanie: I wish there was some way we could call for help.
Elka: Oh, um, there's a fireplace. I learned to make smoke signals when I was a child.
Joy: Oh, did you learn that on your playdates with Sitting Bull?
Elka: What was your Indian name? Sleeps With Everyone?

[first lines]
Mike: That was great.
Melanie: Mm-hm.
Mike: You are amazing!
Melanie: Thank you, you're not so bad yourself.
Mike: So, do you want to spoon?
Melanie: Yeah.
[Mike rolls away from Melanie]

Joy: Thanks, Melanie. You're good at this. Bye.
Melanie: You know, I *am* good at this. I mean, when I'm just being myself. See, I was told I needed to be more folksy, more Honey Boo-Boo. But people like those shows because they're being themselves. So for the rest of Askageddon, I'm just going to be me, and I hope you like it.
[the board guy taps on the window and points to his watch]
Melanie: And that concludes Askageddon. I'll see you tomorrow, folks... I hope.

Melanie: You *know* Johnny Revere!
Victoria: Every inch of him. One night he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a back-stage pass to the best six months of my life.
Joy: Then why is he a bastard?
Victoria: Because, half-way through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.
Melanie: Wait, isn't that an Eagles song?
Victoria: Never tell Don Henley anything in confidence when you're doing shots.

Melanie: I don't want him not to like me. I like being likeable. Not to brag, but it's kinda my thing.
Victoria: Mm-hm.
Joy: You should be able to tolerate *someone* not liking you.
Melanie: You're right. I mean, a ton of people don't like you and you're fine with it.
[Victoria laughs]
Melanie: I'm, I'm going to staple my mouth shut.

Melanie: Hey! Guys! Guess what? I have a date with my gynecologist.
Elka: They're called appointments, dear.
Joy: We've all been there, Melanie. So desperate for a man's touch you make an appointment you don't even need.
Melanie: No, I've never done that.
Joy: Nor have I.

Melanie: How do I look?
Elka: You're giving off a Joy vibe.
Melanie: Oh no, I don't want to look that slutty.

[first lines]
Policeman: 'Kay, ladies, you see the perpetrator in this lineup?
Elka: Could number four take his shirt off?
Policeman: Why?
Elka: Why not? It's my tax dollars, right?
Melanie: It's number three.
Policeman: Number three step forward.
Victoria: He's the one.
Melanie: Definitely.
Joy: Dirty, rotten bastard.
Elka: Fine; he can take his shirt off too.

[last lines]
Joy: I need to stop being so desperate. If Simon gets in contact, good. But if he doesn't, it's cool.
[her phone chimes]
Joy: I'm not going to define myself by whether or not some man-
[screams as she looks at phone]
Joy: It's a text from Simon; he's coming next week and he can't wait to see me! What am I going to wear? What if my face breaks out? What if he meets a more beautiful woman than me on the plane? I'll kill her, that's what I'll do! And I'll do it slowly.
Elka: I know who else liked to do it slowly. Old Red-eyes.
Melanie: Sinatra was Old Blue-eyes.
Elka: When I snuck into his room, he was pretty drunk.

[last lines]
Melanie: You are amazing.
Alec: So, is this your fantasy?
Melanie: It's better than a fantasy. It's real.

Melanie: Well, my mum hasn't let me leave the house since she got here. My childhood all over again. She just wants me to stay at home. And eat. I was raised like a veal.
Victoria: That's better than being raised by a ham. Who tries to pork everybody.

[first lines]
Melanie: You guys, the strangest thing just happened to me; I had a conversation... with a neighbor.
Joy: Wow! I never even saw my neighbors in L.A. Except during earthquakes.
Victoria: Yeah, sometimes we'd pull into our driveways at the same time and, as our electronic gates were opening, I'd think: "I don't even know their names, and they don't know mine." And the world was good.
Melanie: Well, *that* was the L.A. us; here in Cleveland we're going to get to know our neighbors. In fact, I'm throwing a party. Tomorrow. Look at me being all spontaneous.

Melanie: Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!
Joy: You're kidding.
Elka: You all have birthdays on the same day?
Victoria: No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...
Melanie: Depressing, scary...
Joy: Drunk and hazy...
Victoria: We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.
Joy: It works great; I really don't know how old I am.

Melanie: Now, let's jaw a little bit about this dog park issue. Why are you agin it?
Councilman Powell: Look, I think that all the people care about is that I'm a disabled African-American Ohio State football hero, that believes Cleveland is the best city in the world.

Melanie: Sean still not returning your texts?
Joy: He and Bob turn their phones off when they're watching Downton... or playing Half-Life, or going to baseball games. Their bromance is ruining my romance.
Elka: Bros before hos, Joy.
Melanie: Elka!
Elka: Did I say it wrong? They're the bros, she's the ho - no, that's right.

[first lines]
Melanie: Morning, ladies. What's up?
Mamie: Elka's teaching me how to flirt. Right now we're in a happening night spot, and I'm dressed very provocatively.
Elka: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Mamie: Have we started, or are you really asking?
Elka: You see what I'm up against?
Victoria: Good morning, ladies.
Melanie: Where's Oscar?
Victoria: Unpacking.
Mamie: Oscar? Who's he?
Victoria: She. My daughter. After I had Emmy and Tony, I was determined to have an Oscar no matter what.
Melanie: Oscar's been studying journalism in London for the last two years; now she works for NPR.
Victoria: And she's here to do a story on me.
Melanie: Actually, it's a story about *us*, moving from LA to Cleveland.
Victoria: It's about second acts in life, and how I moved here and reinvented myself.
Melanie: *We* reinvented ourselves!
Victoria: I hope that's not the selfish tone you're going to take in the interview.

Elka: [eulogy at funeral] Victoria Chase may have been vain, bubble-headed, and crazy...
Melanie: But?
Melanie: There's no but.

[first lines]
Joy: [plumping a cushion] Simon is going to be here any minute, and these pillows are flat!
Elka: Well, if he's turned off by flat things...
Melanie: [warningly] Elka, not today. She's very nervous. Joy, honey, you have got to calm down.
Joy: I can't. I'm nervous enough that Simon's coming to see me, but he's also meeting his son and his grandson for the first time. I know it's silly of me to hope, but what if it all works out? We could be a real family. Maybe even a perfect family.
Melanie: Well, no family is perfect.
Joy: We'll be. Caroling on Christmas Eve in our matching sweaters. People will look at us and say, "Why can't we be happy like them?" And we'll smile as the spirit of Christmas is replaced by envy in their hearts.
Elka: And I thought Melanie was the one with the brain tumor.

Victoria: [on phone] Cherchez ma robe maintenant, ou des têtes tomberont.
Joy: Bloody French.
Melanie: You don't even know who she's talking to.
Joy: Don't need to.

[first lines]
Melanie: Elka! Elka!
Joy: Let us in!
Melanie: Elka, please, the tornado's
[drowned out by thunderclap]
Melanie: . We're all going to die.

Reverend: Melanie, what you did was wrong. You can make it up to Victoria by doing her bidding for a week. And listening to her endless Emmet Lawson stories.
Melanie: So, a normal week.

[last lines]
Melanie: So, Elka, when are you going to make it official?
Elka: Oh, that's over. We started having problems.
Melanie: What happened?
Elka: Well, we got along fine but... he wouldn't go downtown. If you know what I mean.
[the three girls are stunned]
Elka: What! I mean there are so many good restaurants and, and shops downtown.
[the three laugh, relieved]
Elka: I can't give that up!
Victoria: Why should you?
Elka: [going to answer the door] What did you think I was talking about?
Joy: So you meant shops.
Melanie: Nothing, nothing at all.
Carl: Hi.
Elka: M-Max.
Elka: Listen, Elka, I don't want to lose you, so if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.
Elka: You are?
Carl: Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.
Elka: Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.
Carl: It's just that it's so dark and scary there.
Melanie: Happy birthday.
Joy: Happy birthday.
Victoria: Happy birthday.

Melanie: All these toys were over at Elka's place.
Elka: Well, I did a lot of baby-sitting when I was young.
Joy: Was it hard pushing a stroller around before the invention of the wheel?

Elka: Don't you think you're abusing Victoria just a little?
Melanie: Don't you see how pleasant she's being?
Elka: It wasn't a criticism.

Melanie: Remember that cute doctor I met when the bar got held up, and he needed me to take of my Spanx so he could use it as a tourniquet and I thought, at the time, that's the most embarrassing way possible to meet a guy? Well, same guy, more embarrassing way!

Melanie: He showed me all around Cleveland, and I'm telling you it's nothing like we think. They have symphonies and museums and light opera - OK, so nobody really likes those things, but they have 'em.

[first lines]
Victoria: Well, thank God Wilbur's present arrived from France in time for his birthday. What did you always dream of having when you were a little girl growing up in Poland?
Elka: Food.
Victoria: But a close second must have been... an eighteenth century beaux arts marionette theater.
Joy: Oh no, the instructions are in French.
Elka: What's French for 'puppets are creepy'?
[Victoria has picked up a puppet]
Elka: It looks just like you.
Joy: There is a resemblance.
Victoria: What? This freakish creature looks nothing like me.
Melanie: [Melanie enters] Hey, where'd you get the Victoria puppet?

Victoria: I just need time to think. Oh, if only there were a hideout I could go to where the police couldn't find me.
Melanie: If only someone among us had a criminal past.
Victoria: And was once married to the mob.
Joy: And is right here. And old enough to remember where she was when Caesar was assassinated.

[first lines]
Victoria: Mel! Your taxi's here!
Melanie: Oh, okay, coming.
[stumbles on the stairs]
Melanie: Oh, puppy-tails!
Victoria: Melanie, please. Language. What, is that what you're wearing on the plane?
Joy: Mmm, someone's looking to get bumped to first class.
Melanie: Why, no. As soon as I get to New York, I have to rush straight to Jenna's play; I'm not going to have time to change.
Joy: That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.
Elka: Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.
Melanie: Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after.
Elka: Well, in that case, tits ahoy!

Melanie: I just hope when Hailey gets my note she forgives me.
Joy: What note?
Melanie: Oh, I paid the bartender to slip her an apology and a CD to autograph, so that way if I get it back in the mail I know she's forgiven me.
Joy: And if you get a restraining order, you'll know she hasn't.
Melanie: Oh, no!
Joy: They're not that bad. You'd be surprised how much trash talking you can do from three hundred feet.

Pete: Last night in the tornado, I heard you tell "I love you". but when I started to yell it back, some leaves flew in my mouth and it ruined the moment. So mayble you don't want to hear it right now, but I love you too.
Melanie: Oh Pete, I love you too.
[Pete and Melanie kiss]
Elka: What's the screw doing here?

Simon: Halle Berry is in town visiting relatives, and Star Magazine wants a shot. If I can find the smallest trace of cellulite on her thighs, I'll get the cover.
Melanie: A shot of Helle Berry with cellulite would make my day.

Melanie: Your bail is very high.
Victoria: Did you have to insult the judge like that?
Elka: He called me elderly.
Joy: Well, you are elderly.
Elka: And he was really fat.

Victoria: We've been through, what, everything together. OK, between us: six divorces,
Joy: Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends - all of them mine.
Melanie: Five kids.
Joy: Two grandkids.
Victoria: Nieces, please!
Melanie: We've just always had each others' backs,
Victoria: Mm-hm.
Melanie: for better and for worse.

[last lines]
Pete: What the hell is all this stuff?
Melanie: Wait, wha', you were going to say something.
Elka: You had to date a cop, didn't you?

Melanie: Oh my God, Alex Trebek!
Narrator: That's right, but on weekends I'm Park Ranger Alex Trebek, and I'm here to save you. I read your smoke signals telling me that there were women here in...
[to camera]
Narrator: Jeopardy.

Melanie: Helping him out is the nice thing to do, the Cleveland thing to do.
Elka: Well, even in Cleveland there's a line. It's not like Dayton, where anything goes.

Melanie: [as Joy leaves for her 'booty call'] Oh my God, look at that wind! Her clothes are going to fly right off!
Joy: That's the plan!

Melanie: Maybe this is just what I need to get over Alec.
Elka: You know the old saying.
Melanie: When God closes a door, he opens a window?
Elka: No. The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

Melanie: I love being Scarlet DeNeuve. You know that Scarlet got invited into the cockpit on the plane. And joined the Mile High Club.
Joy: You had sex with the pilot?
Melanie: Wait, that's what that means? I thought Mile High Club was when they gave you these little plastic wings.

Melanie: Talk to him. People say that communication is the key to any relationship.
Victoria: People don't say that; women say that. Lonely women whose boyfriends have left them because they always want to talk about the relationship.

[last lines]
Melanie: What's wrong, sweetie?
Victoria: Apparently, years ago, when I didn't think I had a chance in hell of getting nominated for an Academy Award, I signed a rather unusual contract with the Mrs. Ladypants people. I have to wear... a Mrs. Ladypants... absorbent gown to the Oscars. Now with crystal litter-box technology.
Elka: You're gonna wear diapers to the Oscars?
Victoria: It's not diapers. It's an absorbent gown!
Mitch: Well, look at the bright side: you won't need a seat filler if you have to go to the bathroom during the ceremonies.
Melanie: [laughing] You're very funny.
Victoria: So what am I going to do?
Melanie: You're going to celebrate. We're all going to celebrate. Honey, you could win an Oscar. And, Elka, you could win election.
Victoria: You know what? Melanie is right.
Mitch: She's beautiful too. Somebody else talk.
Victoria: Yeah, I will. So here's to everyone getting exactly what they want.

[last lines]
Melanie: Guess who gave George Clooney a bath!
[enters carrying the dog]
Joy: Oh, I'm so glad we picked a good name for him. Now we can all honestly say we've slept with George Clooney.
Melanie: Just remember he's a dog, not a person; we don't want to become those wacky, middle-aged women whose lives revolve around their pets.
Elka: Then I guess you don't want to see him in this.
[holds up a doggie chef outfit]
Victoria: Dear God, that's cute.
Joy: It's adorable. Put it on him now.
Melanie: No, seriously, put it on him.
[hands George Clooney to Elka]
Melanie: now.