100 Best Joy Scroggs Quotes

Joy: What do you think, Simon?
Simon: I think you're confirming my worst fear that anything I do in bed will be analyzed and dissected by a pack of critical females.
Joy: *You* have nothing to worry about.
Elka: Yeah, we have no idea you're an uncut jewel.

[first lines]
Elka: Last season on Hot in Cleveland...
Joy: Let's just be positive.
Elka: How? They caught me red-handed with stolen Mafia loot.

[first lines]
Victoria: [looking at a shirtless Sean holding a baby] Aaaaaaawww.
Joy: See, just like the calendar. Okay, Sean, put your shirt back on.
Victoria: Aaww.
Joy: Thanks for being such a good sport.
Victoria: Yeah, and for teaching us that other thing.
Sean: Baby CPR.
Victoria: Yes, that. Now if any baby faints when they hear that I'm dating Sir Emmet Lawson, I'll know how to revive them.
Sean: You're dating Emmet Lawson the movie star?
Victoria: How did you drag that out of me?

[last lines]
Victoria: [about her commercial] OK, OK, it wasn't my classiest endeavor. But just remember, it's only airing in Japan. Oh, thank God!
[Victoria's: "Oh my God, is that Victoria Chase?"]
Victoria: It's probably my agent, calling to blow smoke up my - well, you know.
[Victoria leaves]
Joy: When do we tell her it's all over the internet?
Melanie: Oh, I know; I saw it too.
Elka: I posted it.

Joy: I get to stay in America!
Elka: That's another reason to go to Canada.

Joy: [to Melanie] You're such a little slut.

[first lines]
Melanie: You guys, the strangest thing just happened to me; I had a conversation... with a neighbor.
Joy: Wow! I never even saw my neighbors in L.A. Except during earthquakes.
Victoria: Yeah, sometimes we'd pull into our driveways at the same time and, as our electronic gates were opening, I'd think: "I don't even know their names, and they don't know mine." And the world was good.
Melanie: Well, *that* was the L.A. us; here in Cleveland we're going to get to know our neighbors. In fact, I'm throwing a party. Tomorrow. Look at me being all spontaneous.

Elka: I'll be fine after a 24-hour bender. Benders fix everything... except quitting alcohol.
Joy: So, how far in are you.
Elka: Uh, 8 hours, maybe 20. My watch might be upside down.

Joy: I can't imagine what it's going to be like living here without you.
Victoria: I know. I've been the sun that you three revolve around. But still, I know; it's hard to say good-bye.
Elka: You're making it easier.

Sally: So, how 'bout you? How'd you do with the fireman?
Joy: We have a date.
Sally: I give it six months.
Sally: [ecstatic] Really?

Joy: I don't care how hot he is, I could never date a do-gooder. They're always so into nature. And eventually that leads to camping. And the next thing you know you're doing that walk of shame into the woods with a rough brown roll of eco-friendly Toilet paper.

Joy: That was beautiful, Elka. My film's got everything those Oscar winners have: craggy-looking old people talking about Nazis. I'm a shoo-in to get that A.
Elka: Not so fast. I want to interview you for my film.
Joy: Really. But my story can't possibly be as interesting as yours.
Elka: Oh, don't put yourself down, Joy. That's my job.

Elka: [to Victoria's selfish whining while Elka is in jail] Oh, you gotta front up and bug down, bitch!... It's prison slang.
Joy: You've been here three hours.
Elka: The joint changes you. I also know how to kill somebody with a toothbrush.

[first lines]
Victoria: Ice. I need ice.
Joy: I realize it's happy hour somewhere, but isn't it a bit early even for you?
Victoria: It happens to be an emergency.
[holding ice tray against the side of her neck]
Victoria: I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.
Elka: What's going on?
Joy: Victoria's having a senior moment.
Elka: Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

[first lines]
Joy: [Bob and Joy kiss passionately] Did they see us?
Bob: Yes, lover.
Joy: They can't hear us; you don't need to call me lover.
Bob: It's called undercover work, Joy. We're chasing identity thieves here, crafty and suspicious; if we want to get close to them we have to convince them we're just an ordinary couple.
Joy: Got it.
Bob: But we mustn't get too attached, you and I. That will only lead to heartbreak. Your heartbreak.

[first lines]
Joy: We're still in a rented house in Ohio, right?
Victoria: Yup.
Joy: So last night a guy fifteen years younger than me really did give me his phone number.
Victoria: Oh, it's the magic of Cleveland, Joy. All the most beautiful people in the world move to L.A. to become stars, leaving behind in their wake beauty voids for the rest of us to fill.

Joy: You know, they say if you love something, set it free. But I've never understood that. I say if you love something lock it in the basement and feed it through a slot in the door until it loves you back.

[last lines]
Joy: So, are you OK, Mel?
Melanie: Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good and you guys have a very early flight tomorrow, so please, just go to Paris and have a wonderful time.
Joy: I don't know. Somehow I can't seem to get excited about Paris any more. No Melanie.
Victoria: You know, Joy... instead of two weeks in Paris, we could spend two weeks in Cleveland; I mean, the Paris of Ohio.
Elka: No, that's Toledo.
Joy: So what should we do now?
Melanie: I say we go to that bar where the men think we're hot.
Elka: I'll drive!

Joy: Are you saying you're running for city council? You don't know anything about politics.
Victoria: Well, what does Sonny Bono know? Clint Eastwood? The Schwarzenegger couldn't even pronounce the name of the state he was in.

Joy: Let me ask you something. What's the deal with old ladies and track suits?
Elka: Well, it's simple: in your twenties you dress for men, in your forties you dress for success, in your eighties you dress for a bathroom.

Melanie: What *is* all this stuff? I feel like I'm in 'The Goonies'.
Victoria: Wow! Is this stuff real?
Joy: Is that a tiara? Who *are* you?
Elka: I'm Anastasia, the last surviving member of the Romanov dynasty.
Melanie: You are?
Elka: No, but I've always wanted to say that.
Victoria: Is all of this yours?
Elka: No, it's stolen.
Joy: Oh my!
Melanie: What?
Elka: [picks up a knife] And now I'm going to have to *kill* you!
[grins]
Elka: I've always wanted to say that, too.

[first lines]
Victoria: Well, thank God Wilbur's present arrived from France in time for his birthday. What did you always dream of having when you were a little girl growing up in Poland?
Elka: Food.
Victoria: But a close second must have been... an eighteenth century beaux arts marionette theater.
Joy: Oh no, the instructions are in French.
Elka: What's French for 'puppets are creepy'?
[Victoria has picked up a puppet]
Elka: It looks just like you.
Joy: There is a resemblance.
Victoria: What? This freakish creature looks nothing like me.
Melanie: [Melanie enters] Hey, where'd you get the Victoria puppet?

[first lines]
Melanie: Airplane mirrors aren't accurate, are they?
Joy: Of course not.
Victoria: They get them from fun houses.

[first lines]
Victoria: [a police siren is heard approaching] Huh. Wonder what that's about.
Elka: [entering] I'm not here.
Joy: Wait. The police are looking for you?
Elka: [the siren fades into the distance] What police?

[first lines]
Victoria: Mel! Your taxi's here!
Melanie: Oh, okay, coming.
[stumbles on the stairs]
Melanie: Oh, puppy-tails!
Victoria: Melanie, please. Language. What, is that what you're wearing on the plane?
Joy: Mmm, someone's looking to get bumped to first class.
Melanie: Why, no. As soon as I get to New York, I have to rush straight to Jenna's play; I'm not going to have time to change.
Joy: That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.
Elka: Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.
Melanie: Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after.
Elka: Well, in that case, tits ahoy!

Bob: This is our Mark.
Joy: Our mark. Huh. The best part of being a detective is getting to use the lingo.
Bob: Lingo? No, his name is Mark.
Joy: Ohhhh. So, Mark's our patsy.
Bob: No, Patsy's the wife.

[first lines]
Melanie: Elka! Elka!
Joy: Let us in!
Melanie: Elka, please, the tornado's
[drowned out by thunderclap]
Melanie: . We're all going to die.

Joy: I get disgusting comments and lewd gestures like ten times a day. It is fantastic!

Melanie: What are you even doing here?
Bob: Well, I got Joy's sexy text.
Joy: My text said I needed a few days off.
Bob: The text I got said you wanted me to get you off for a few days!
Joy: Ohhh! Stupid auto-correct.

Sean: Nice meeting you all. Got to get back to the firehouse.
Joy: Wait. Um... I was wondering... what are you doing Saturday night?
Sean: Actually, I have a date with a lovely brunette.
Joy: What?
[mutters]
Joy: I'll kill her!
Sean: Sorry, I was trying to be clever. I was talking about you.

[last lines]
Simon: You know, I never thought I'd say this, but... d'you want to go to bed, grandma?
Joy: I sure would, grandpa.
Simon: Worst dirty talk ever.
Joy: Oh, shut up and kiss me.

[repeated line]
Joy: [to Melanie] You're such a little slut.

Joy: What's going on here? I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.
Elka: I did. But then Nick asked me to dance, and one thing led to another...
Victoria: You cheated on Max?
Elka: Twice! First a waltz, and then a polka!
Victoria: But that's it? You danced?
Elka: A *polka*! The Polish forbidden dance of love!

Victoria: Are you really as good as they say you are?
Danny: Did John Glenn go to jail for murder?
Joy: What murder?
Danny: I rest my case.

Owen: You seem like a decent guy now, but it's hard to get over all those awful things you've done.
Simon: Abandoning your mother.
Owen: Yeah. And the drug dealing. And the arson.
Simon: What! I never did those things!
Joy: When I first met Owen, I may have told him a few white lies, so he'd hate you as much as I did. Plus, I'd just shot him, and I wanted him to be on *my* side.
Simon: You *shot* him?
Owen: You lied to me!
Joy: Hah, look at us. Oh, we may have just met, but we already have a lot of baggage. We *are* a real family.

Melanie: I wish there was some way we could call for help.
Elka: Oh, um, there's a fireplace. I learned to make smoke signals when I was a child.
Joy: Oh, did you learn that on your playdates with Sitting Bull?
Elka: What was your Indian name? Sleeps With Everyone?

Elka: [to Joy] You're too old and creaky to be robbing the cradle.
Joy: *I'm* old! Was Ohio even a state when you were born?
Elka: They were talking about it.

Joy: Maybe I should just call him and tell him the truth.
Victoria: Are you out of your mind! What if he isn't your son?
Melanie: "I might be your mother." Probably a romance killer.
Victoria: Mm-hm. And what's even more horrific is you'd have to admit that you're old enough to be his mother. Now, how old does he think you are?
Joy: He said I looked thirty-eight.
Elka: Your son is mentally challenged?

Bob: Oh God, joy!
Joy: What?
Bob: No, not you; my Canadian girlfriend Joy.
Joy: You really have a Canadian girlfriend?
Bob: Yes!
[speeddials cellphone]
Bob: Hi. Joy, this is Bob. I-I've made a terrible mistake. Look. I'm jumping on the next flight and then the connecting flight and then the puddle-jumper and then the snowmobile and... then I'll be at your door. Yes. I'll, I'll see you in two weeks.

[last lines]
Victoria: Look at this turnout. You know, Elka's only a few signatures away from getting on the ballot. And her dog park twitter account is trending.
Elka: [laughing] At Elka stop less parks.
Melanie: [looks at @elkastoplessparks banner] You know, when you look at that, it looks like Elka's topless parks.
Elka: [innocently] Does it?
Bob: Well, Joy, I've got a plane to catch.
Joy: Bob's selling the agency and moving back to Canada.
Bob: I made the new owner promise to keep Joy on. He seems like a good guy.
Joy: Good guy, huh?
Bob: Yup. I guess when you look like him, you kind of have to be.
[shows joy a picture of a handsome man]
Joy: I can work with that.
Bob: That's the spirit, Joy. Looks aren't everything.

Elka: I'm a little nervous. Or maybe it's just staring at that rat's nest that Joy calls a hairdo. It's so unsettling.
Joy: Your nerves are making you unpleasant.
Elka: Yes, but I can fix that by finishing this wine. You're still stuck with that hair.
Joy: That's not your joke, Elka; that's Winston Churchill's.
Elka: It's not stealing if you were there.

Victoria: Oh, Lord, Hailey Nash! All those dreadful female empowerment songs.
Joy: Her music takes me back to a time when music sucked.

Joy: [about the dog] Maybe there's something we can do to cheer him up. What do I do when I need cheering up?
Elka: He can't do that, Joy. He's been fixed.

Joy: Let's kill him!

Joy: *He* wants to be the little spoon?
Melanie: Yes. Which makes me the big spoon!
Victoria: That's crazy!
Melanie: I know!
Elka: No woman should be the jet pack.
Victoria: Well, was the sex worth it?
Melanie: He did a couple of things; two that were good, one not so good. It's rare to find a man that's good at that, let's face it.

Joy: [about Anders] He breaks up with his bimbo, then comes running back to Melanie; that's just morally wrong. I say we kill him!
Joy: We can't do anything now; I mean we're in girl-friend purgatory. If we tell her to dump him and they end up getting re-married, then we're screwed. But if we don't say anything and he ends up breaking her heart again, we're screwed.

[Melanie is stressed out over having said "I love you" to Pete]
Joy: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I've blurted it out when I didn't mean it, too. Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.
Elka: Couldn't you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?

[last lines]
Joy: Hey, if we didn't depress George, we didn't do anything wrong. We can go back to the way things were. Go on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee, you old biddy.
Elka: Coffee with a tart. Sounds good to me.

[first lines]
Perky: We have on the line with us Victoria from Cleveland. Tell us, Victoria, why are you so excited about these amazing Space Bags?
Victoria: Well, the love of my life was recently thrown into prison, and it turns out that jail cells have no closet space at all. I'll take five hundred.
Melanie: Victoria!
[grabs the phone]
Melanie: Miss Chase will not be purchasing Space Bags at this time. Thank you.
Victoria: Why are you shop-blocking me?
Elka: [Elks enters carrying a shotgun] I heard noises.
Joy: Is that thing loaded?
Elka: One of us is.
Melanie: Well, we're having an intervention for Victoria.
Elka: Because of her drinking?
Melanie: No.
Joy: She's grief-shopping,

Melanie: Hey! Guys! Guess what? I have a date with my gynecologist.
Elka: They're called appointments, dear.
Joy: We've all been there, Melanie. So desperate for a man's touch you make an appointment you don't even need.
Melanie: No, I've never done that.
Joy: Nor have I.

Victoria: We've been through, what, everything together. OK, between us: six divorces,
Joy: Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends - all of them mine.
Melanie: Five kids.
Joy: Two grandkids.
Victoria: Nieces, please!
Melanie: We've just always had each others' backs,
Victoria: Mm-hm.
Melanie: for better and for worse.

Melanie: I put in an application for him, and they're going to send over a home inspector next week to see if we're dog worthy. So we have *got* to be good because everybody wants him.
Victoria: Well, what to we do? Who do we pay? Who does Joy sleep with?
Melanie: No, things like money and sexual favors aren't going to do the trick.
Joy: Wow. We really aren't in L.A. any more.

[last lines]
Professor: Only one person did a film worthy of an A. In a clever homage to the Godzilla films of the 1950s which warned of the horrors of the atomic age, this filmmaker also used frightening imagery to provoke thought. I give you... Elka Ostrovsky's 'Man Hands'.
Joy: Wait. What?
Elka: [narrating film] I was married to the mob. I lived through the horrors of war, but I have never seen anything as terrifying as *man hands*. Man hands.
Elka: [to Joy] I wanted the A.

[last lines]
Joy: Just how unflattering was Gwyneth's bathing suit?
Simon: Hideous. Flattened her breasts and gave her back fat.
Joy: Ah! yes!

Joy: I keep telling you people never change. That's why, instead of confronting *my* mom, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.
Victoria: You don't seem that drunk.
Joy: Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.

Victoria: I just need time to think. Oh, if only there were a hideout I could go to where the police couldn't find me.
Melanie: If only someone among us had a criminal past.
Victoria: And was once married to the mob.
Joy: And is right here. And old enough to remember where she was when Caesar was assassinated.

[first lines]
Joy: Say 'Nana'. Say 'Nana', Wilbur, 'Nana'.
Elka: It's official. Men of *all* ages ignore you.
Joy: Look, some of the other babies in Wilbur's play group have already started talking. Actually, I was getting a little embarrassed so I knocked a few months off his age.
Mamie: You lied about a baby's age?
Victoria: Ah, I wish my mother had done that for me. But, no... I'm a self-made thirty-something.

Melanie: What if he's missing me too and Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories he's flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is *our* meet on top of the Empire State Building moment?
Joy: Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?
Melanie: No! Yes. But I got it down to once a month.
Victoria: You know, I was up for a part in that movie.
Joy: Course you were.

[first lines]
Joy: Hey, everybody. Our group birthday is coming up, and I know *exactly* who I want to be fixed up with. I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
Elka: That could be half of Cleveland.
Joy: It's our poetry professor, Robin York. He's so spiritual and sensitive.
Melanie: Well, I want that guy that we met at the PetSmart Charities adoption thing; his name is Rex. Or maybe his dog's name is Rex.
Victoria: Well, now that I'm engaged, of course I don't need an actual date, which is a good thing, considering the freaks you guys have set me up with. Manboobs, conjoined twins, human tail!
Joy: Oh, come on, that last guy was perfect except for the tail.
Victoria: Did you hear what you just said? No no, this time I just want a business date; I really want a part in the next Wes O'Rourke movie.
Joy: The indie film director? He went to school with my film professor; I can make that happen.
Victoria: Excellent.
Mamie: [knocks and enters] Knock, knock. Look what I brought.
Joy: Oooh, breakfast wine.
Mamie: It's GLOB wine, which stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling... wine.
Melanie: Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling?
Mamie: That was our team. Nineteen sixty-two and sixty-three city champions.
Elka: We bought this wine and said we'd drink it together in fifty years.
Mamie: Only we lost track of the others.
Elka: That's what I want for my birthday: reunite the old gang.
Melanie: Well, I can do that. Who are they?
Mamie: [showing a GLOB poster] There's Elka and me. All we need to find is Diane, Angie and Peg.

Joy: I can't believe you're choosing injections of botulism over your best friend. Doesn't that worry you?
Victoria: Yes, of course it does, but I figure if I can get to Chicago, then at least I won't look worried.

Melanie: I just hope when Hailey gets my note she forgives me.
Joy: What note?
Melanie: Oh, I paid the bartender to slip her an apology and a CD to autograph, so that way if I get it back in the mail I know she's forgiven me.
Joy: And if you get a restraining order, you'll know she hasn't.
Melanie: Oh, no!
Joy: They're not that bad. You'd be surprised how much trash talking you can do from three hundred feet.

Joy: You know, about your earlier offer...
Rick: Oh, the one you so summarily rejected?
Joy: Yes. Well, things have changed and I need a green card right away, so here goes, I'm so desperate, I guess I will marry you. I'm sorry, that can't be how you pictured a proposal response.
Rick: No, that's exactly how I pictured it.

Bob: You know, it's the things and people you don't do that you regret.
Joy: What part of you can't understand that we are never going to sleep together?
Bob: Oh, I think you know which part.

[last lines]
Joy: Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John *or* George Michael. I thought he wanted *my* sex.
Melanie: I didn't even know the Village People were gay.
Victoria: Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.
Elka: In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.
Melanie: You thought Liberace was straight.
Elka: I could have turned him.

Bob: I'll meet you at the motel. But just so you know, John Johnson sleeps in the nude.
Joy: And just so *you* know, Natasha Johnson sleeps with scissors.
Bob: Pajamas it is, then.

[last lines]
Joy: The police will be here soon.
Elka: We'll be home in time to watch 'Family Feud'.
Mamie: Steve Harvey is the best game show host!
Elka: The best.
Narrator: Really? Isn't that a little bit like saying Cloris Leachman was the best actress on 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show'?
Elka: We never saw that show.
Narrator: Well, America won't get a chance to see the Soul Man if we don't wrap things up here, so why don't we all just take a bow right now?

Rick: Don't misunderstand me. I mean the whole marriage would be a complete sham. I would expect nothing in return.
Joy: Then why would you do it?
Rick: Let me demonstrate. Excuse me, miss.
Carol: Yes.
Rick: Hi, I'm Rick and this is Joy, my fianceé. I noticed your expression just changed. You were surprised to hear that we were a couple?
Carol: Well, yes. I guess I was.
Rick: I don't want to put words in your mouth, but several explanations may have popped into your head: He must have money, or he's extraordinarily gifted in bed, or he's so incredibly wonderful that she was able to overlook his non-conformist body type. Did any of those thoughts occur to you?
Carol: Yes, all three of them.

[first lines]
Joy: Sorry I'm late; what'd I miss?
Victoria: Oh, we were just telling sad, bloated Melanie that Alec was right to break up with her.
Joy: What! That's a horrible thing to say. You're going to make her cry.
Elka: That's the plan.
Melanie: I haven't been able to cry since Alec and I broke up, and I feel like it's all bottled up inside me. If I could just get one good cry, maybe I could get over him.
Joy: Got it. Has anyone mentioned that he's probably banging some hot twenty-something already?
Elka: I said twins.
Joy: Well, the movie's in ten minutes. Everyone says you can't watch 'The Diary' without bursting into tears.
Victoria: Oh, yes! 'The Diary' is the movie 'The Notebook' goes to see when it wants to feel sad.
Joy: After all the artsy-fartsy cinema Elka and I have had to sit through in our Theory of Film class, we could use a little mindless entertainment. No sub-titles, no moral ambiguity, no chess games with death.
Elka: And only good-looking people get naked.
Melanie: Look, you guys, I'm really not up for a movie. You go. I'm going to stay here and finish my wine. I'll pay the cheque.
Joy: Oh, honey, are you sure?
Melanie: Ah, don't try to be nice; it only makes it harder.
Victoria: Well, bye, Mel; sorry you're so hideous.
Joy: And unlovable.
Elka: Have fun dying alone.
Melanie: Nothing.

[last lines]
Joy: Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?
Mamie: Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.
Joy: Wilbur, darling, say 'Nana'. Na-na.
Baby: Nana.
Joy: Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.
Mamie: Well, actually his first word wa...
Elka: Zip it.
Victoria: I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.
Joy: Wilbur, say it again. Say 'Nana'.
Baby: TV.
Melanie: Did he just say 'TV'?
Elka: I heard 'Nana'.
Baby: TV.
Elka: That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.
Joy: Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.
Baby: Crap!
Elka: That is us watching our language.
Joy: That's it; you two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.
Baby: Bitch!
Elka: I got nothing.

Melanie: Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!
Joy: You're kidding.
Elka: You all have birthdays on the same day?
Victoria: No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...
Melanie: Depressing, scary...
Joy: Drunk and hazy...
Victoria: We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.
Joy: It works great; I really don't know how old I am.

Victoria: These English instructions are worse than the French ones. What or who is Allen Wrench? This stupid car has more pieces than the puppet theater. And it needs two D batteries; where are we going to get those?
[Victoria and Elka both look over at Joy]
Joy: Fine. I'll take them out of my... personal back massager.

Joy: Stupid glue. I can't get this wine-glass out of my hand.
Elka: Well, that's how you look eighty percent of the day anyway.

Joy: What am I missing?
Artie: Boobs.

[last lines]
Melanie: Guess who gave George Clooney a bath!
[enters carrying the dog]
Joy: Oh, I'm so glad we picked a good name for him. Now we can all honestly say we've slept with George Clooney.
Melanie: Just remember he's a dog, not a person; we don't want to become those wacky, middle-aged women whose lives revolve around their pets.
Elka: Then I guess you don't want to see him in this.
[holds up a doggie chef outfit]
Victoria: Dear God, that's cute.
Joy: It's adorable. Put it on him now.
Melanie: No, seriously, put it on him.
[hands George Clooney to Elka]
Melanie: now.

Victoria: [comforting Melanie after telling her her date is married] Honey, what can we do?
Joy: Let's kill him!
Melanie: That's your solution to everything.
Joy: Well, could we just try it once?

Melanie: [as Joy leaves for her 'booty call'] Oh my God, look at that wind! Her clothes are going to fly right off!
Joy: That's the plan!

[first lines]
Elka: Look at our baby; he's so depressed.
Melanie: Maybe we should just take him back to the vet.
Joy: No, the vet said he was fine physically.
Elka: Well, maybe he's just sad because Joy looks like a bone he can't chew on.
Victoria: Or maybe because for every one of our years he ages seven. That would depress the hell out of me.

Victoria: So. Nick is *not* going to take no for an answer, huh?
Elka: No. I've never been in a triangle before. You girls are slutty; what would you do?
Joy: Geometry's more Victoria's specialty; she's been into triangles, squares...
Victoria: Yeah, I was almost in a hexagon once, but at the last minute the twins dropped out.

[last lines]
Victoria: The hero kidney donor would like some breakfast.
Melanie: Elka.
Victoria: I would like my initials in my cappuccino foam. And not the two letters you put in there yesterday.
Joy: I say we poison her.
Elka: She's only got the one kidney. It wouldn't take much.

Melanie: Maybe it is to soon for me to start dating.
Joy: That's ridiculous. You like him and he likes you; you're already ahead of most of my relationships.

[last lines]
Owen: Boy, kids are a lot of work.
Philipa: Owen, would you mind a bit of advice?
Owen: [uncertainly] Okay. Sure.
Philipa: When he gets older and makes mistakes, don't be too hard on him. Children aren't perfect, but they don't need to know that you know that. The world will tell him he has flaws. Try to be the one that looks at him with the... kindest eyes. It's getting a bit chilly. I need a sweater. Can I get you anything, Joy?
Joy: No, mom. I think I got everything I need.

Victoria: I am definitely going to need an emergency wax.
Elka: But your eyebrows look fine.
Victoria: Oh, it's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.
Joy: Do you think I carry a portable waxing kit?
Victoria: Joy, please!
Joy: OK, fine!
[picks up a candle and serviette from the table]
Joy: I'll MacGyver it.

Melanie: [about her ex] I haven't even gone on a date yet and he's taking his fiancee to Paris. And she's so *young*. She's half my age.
Victoria: Mel, darling, that really isn't that young.
Melanie: My *fake* age!
Victoria: Oh my God, she's a child!
Joy: I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch.

Melanie: I thought you guys were supposed to be getting along.
Joy: We tried all morning not to snipe at each other, and knowing we can't snipe at each other only made us snipe at each other more.
Melanie: Well, you can't run away from the problem.
Joy: The problem is 92 years old; I think I can.

[first lines]
Joy: [plumping a cushion] Simon is going to be here any minute, and these pillows are flat!
Elka: Well, if he's turned off by flat things...
Melanie: [warningly] Elka, not today. She's very nervous. Joy, honey, you have got to calm down.
Joy: I can't. I'm nervous enough that Simon's coming to see me, but he's also meeting his son and his grandson for the first time. I know it's silly of me to hope, but what if it all works out? We could be a real family. Maybe even a perfect family.
Melanie: Well, no family is perfect.
Joy: We'll be. Caroling on Christmas Eve in our matching sweaters. People will look at us and say, "Why can't we be happy like them?" And we'll smile as the spirit of Christmas is replaced by envy in their hearts.
Elka: And I thought Melanie was the one with the brain tumor.

[last lines]
Joy: I need to stop being so desperate. If Simon gets in contact, good. But if he doesn't, it's cool.
[her phone chimes]
Joy: I'm not going to define myself by whether or not some man-
[screams as she looks at phone]
Joy: It's a text from Simon; he's coming next week and he can't wait to see me! What am I going to wear? What if my face breaks out? What if he meets a more beautiful woman than me on the plane? I'll kill her, that's what I'll do! And I'll do it slowly.
Elka: I know who else liked to do it slowly. Old Red-eyes.
Melanie: Sinatra was Old Blue-eyes.
Elka: When I snuck into his room, he was pretty drunk.

[last lines]
Joy: What are these?
Maddie: Oh, Professor Knoll must of left his signs.
Joy: Yeah.
[reads]
Joy: "More wine, please." "You were wonderful in that." "You deserve the Tony."
Maddie: Aw, that ones for me.
Joy: "You should win an Oscar."
Victoria: Aw, that one's for me
Joy: "I still think about our night together."
Victoria: Awwww!

[first lines]
Policeman: 'Kay, ladies, you see the perpetrator in this lineup?
Elka: Could number four take his shirt off?
Policeman: Why?
Elka: Why not? It's my tax dollars, right?
Melanie: It's number three.
Policeman: Number three step forward.
Victoria: He's the one.
Melanie: Definitely.
Joy: Dirty, rotten bastard.
Elka: Fine; he can take his shirt off too.

[first lines]
Melanie: Hey!
Elka: Oh, how was the farmers' market?
Melanie: Weird.
Joy: In L.A. a farmers' market means sushi, pâté and chilladas.
Victoria: This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

Joy: I've lost all trust in men, so unconditional love from a neutered male is just what I need.

Joy: I never told you this, but when I first came to America, I auditioned for the Rockettes. Huh. Only I froze. I couldn't get my legs into the air.
Elka: You sure got over that one.

Joy: How do I look?
Elka: Like you stepped out of a painting... of hookers!

Elka: There's your professor, Joy.
Joy: So deep and sophisticated. It's like the Leonard Cohen song: he wants to touch my perfect body with his mind.
Mamie: I'd like to touch his perfect body with my hand.
[Elka stares at her]
Mamie: This may not be my first drink.

[last lines]
Melanie: So, Elka, when are you going to make it official?
Elka: Oh, that's over. We started having problems.
Melanie: What happened?
Elka: Well, we got along fine but... he wouldn't go downtown. If you know what I mean.
[the three girls are stunned]
Elka: What! I mean there are so many good restaurants and, and shops downtown.
[the three laugh, relieved]
Elka: I can't give that up!
Victoria: Why should you?
Elka: [going to answer the door] What did you think I was talking about?
Joy: So you meant shops.
Melanie: Nothing, nothing at all.
Carl: Hi.
Elka: M-Max.
Elka: Listen, Elka, I don't want to lose you, so if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.
Elka: You are?
Carl: Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.
Elka: Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.
Carl: It's just that it's so dark and scary there.
Melanie: Happy birthday.
Joy: Happy birthday.
Victoria: Happy birthday.

[last lines]
Melanie: Are you really thinking of finding your son?
Joy: Maybe. It's all just a... a lot.
Melanie: I can't imagine.
Joy: Yes, you can. You're a mother.
Victoria: Hey. So are you.
Joy: Thanks. Ah, it's just so weird to think of him out there, a grown man. He could be married, have kids of his own. I might even have... grandkids.
Elka: Hey, maybe one of 'em's old enough for you to date.
[the others just look at her]
Elka: Too soon?

Melanie: I love being Scarlet DeNeuve. You know that Scarlet got invited into the cockpit on the plane. And joined the Mile High Club.
Joy: You had sex with the pilot?
Melanie: Wait, that's what that means? I thought Mile High Club was when they gave you these little plastic wings.

Joy: Thanks, Melanie. You're good at this. Bye.
Melanie: You know, I *am* good at this. I mean, when I'm just being myself. See, I was told I needed to be more folksy, more Honey Boo-Boo. But people like those shows because they're being themselves. So for the rest of Askageddon, I'm just going to be me, and I hope you like it.
[the board guy taps on the window and points to his watch]
Melanie: And that concludes Askageddon. I'll see you tomorrow, folks... I hope.

Joy: You're not old. Forty's the new twenty-five.
Victoria: I thought forty was the new thirty.
Joy: Well, if we're just going to make crap up, I'd rather be twenty-five.

Melanie: Sean still not returning your texts?
Joy: He and Bob turn their phones off when they're watching Downton... or playing Half-Life, or going to baseball games. Their bromance is ruining my romance.
Elka: Bros before hos, Joy.
Melanie: Elka!
Elka: Did I say it wrong? They're the bros, she's the ho - no, that's right.

Joy: [Melanie has agreed to go out with Anders] We're screwed.
Victoria: Screwed, stewed and tattooed. From a Tennessee Williams play. I played Esmeralda in summer stock.
Joy: You know, I didn't think you'd be able to make this about yourself. I underestimated you.