Top 100 Quotes From Elka Ostrovsky

Peg: Elka was the tramp. Always backing up into a hand drier so it would blow her bowling skirt up.
Elka: That was an accident... every time.

[last lines]
Alex: Ah, good evening. Couldn't sleep. Perhaps I'll have some hot milk.
Elka: I couldn't either. I, I wanted to finish this, but my bedazzler keeps getting stuck.
Alex: Maybe I can help; let me see.
[he puts his arms round her reaching for the bedazzler]
Alex: Hey.
Elka: Really? Do you think I'm just another one of these silly women who can't resist your dime-store charm?
Alex: My apologies.
Elka: I didn't say stop!

Melanie: Helping him out is the nice thing to do, the Cleveland thing to do.
Elka: Well, even in Cleveland there's a line. It's not like Dayton, where anything goes.

Elka: Is everything all ready?
Nate: Yup, all set.
[the lights go down, and Victoria's dress fluoresces the words Vote Elka .com]
Elka: Who's MacGyver now?

Elka: Oh come on, Victoria, she's so cute. Can't we keep her?

Joy: That was beautiful, Elka. My film's got everything those Oscar winners have: craggy-looking old people talking about Nazis. I'm a shoo-in to get that A.
Elka: Not so fast. I want to interview you for my film.
Joy: Really. But my story can't possibly be as interesting as yours.
Elka: Oh, don't put yourself down, Joy. That's my job.

Melanie: Your bail is very high.
Victoria: Did you have to insult the judge like that?
Elka: He called me elderly.
Joy: Well, you are elderly.
Elka: And he was really fat.

Joy: What do you think, Simon?
Simon: I think you're confirming my worst fear that anything I do in bed will be analyzed and dissected by a pack of critical females.
Joy: *You* have nothing to worry about.
Elka: Yeah, we have no idea you're an uncut jewel.

Melanie: How do I look?
Elka: You're giving off a Joy vibe.
Melanie: Oh no, I don't want to look that slutty.

[first lines]
Joy: Hey, everybody. Our group birthday is coming up, and I know *exactly* who I want to be fixed up with. I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
Elka: That could be half of Cleveland.
Joy: It's our poetry professor, Robin York. He's so spiritual and sensitive.
Melanie: Well, I want that guy that we met at the PetSmart Charities adoption thing; his name is Rex. Or maybe his dog's name is Rex.
Victoria: Well, now that I'm engaged, of course I don't need an actual date, which is a good thing, considering the freaks you guys have set me up with. Manboobs, conjoined twins, human tail!
Joy: Oh, come on, that last guy was perfect except for the tail.
Victoria: Did you hear what you just said? No no, this time I just want a business date; I really want a part in the next Wes O'Rourke movie.
Joy: The indie film director? He went to school with my film professor; I can make that happen.
Victoria: Excellent.
Mamie: [knocks and enters] Knock, knock. Look what I brought.
Joy: Oooh, breakfast wine.
Mamie: It's GLOB wine, which stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling... wine.
Melanie: Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling?
Mamie: That was our team. Nineteen sixty-two and sixty-three city champions.
Elka: We bought this wine and said we'd drink it together in fifty years.
Mamie: Only we lost track of the others.
Elka: That's what I want for my birthday: reunite the old gang.
Melanie: Well, I can do that. Who are they?
Mamie: [showing a GLOB poster] There's Elka and me. All we need to find is Diane, Angie and Peg.

[first lines]
Elka: Last season on Hot in Cleveland...
Joy: Let's just be positive.
Elka: How? They caught me red-handed with stolen Mafia loot.

Joy: *He* wants to be the little spoon?
Melanie: Yes. Which makes me the big spoon!
Victoria: That's crazy!
Melanie: I know!
Elka: No woman should be the jet pack.
Victoria: Well, was the sex worth it?
Melanie: He did a couple of things; two that were good, one not so good. It's rare to find a man that's good at that, let's face it.

Joy: What's going on here? I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.
Elka: I did. But then Nick asked me to dance, and one thing led to another...
Victoria: You cheated on Max?
Elka: Twice! First a waltz, and then a polka!
Victoria: But that's it? You danced?
Elka: A *polka*! The Polish forbidden dance of love!

Melanie: Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!
Joy: You're kidding.
Elka: You all have birthdays on the same day?
Victoria: No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...
Melanie: Depressing, scary...
Joy: Drunk and hazy...
Victoria: We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.
Joy: It works great; I really don't know how old I am.

[first lines]
Joy: [plumping a cushion] Simon is going to be here any minute, and these pillows are flat!
Elka: Well, if he's turned off by flat things...
Melanie: [warningly] Elka, not today. She's very nervous. Joy, honey, you have got to calm down.
Joy: I can't. I'm nervous enough that Simon's coming to see me, but he's also meeting his son and his grandson for the first time. I know it's silly of me to hope, but what if it all works out? We could be a real family. Maybe even a perfect family.
Melanie: Well, no family is perfect.
Joy: We'll be. Caroling on Christmas Eve in our matching sweaters. People will look at us and say, "Why can't we be happy like them?" And we'll smile as the spirit of Christmas is replaced by envy in their hearts.
Elka: And I thought Melanie was the one with the brain tumor.

Elka: [about Joy] Just copy everything she does.
Mamie: I don't think I could pull off that skirt.
Elka: Many have.

Elka: There's your professor, Joy.
Joy: So deep and sophisticated. It's like the Leonard Cohen song: he wants to touch my perfect body with his mind.
Mamie: I'd like to touch his perfect body with my hand.
[Elka stares at her]
Mamie: This may not be my first drink.

Elka: [to Joy] You're too old and creaky to be robbing the cradle.
Joy: *I'm* old! Was Ohio even a state when you were born?
Elka: They were talking about it.

Pete: Last night in the tornado, I heard you tell "I love you". but when I started to yell it back, some leaves flew in my mouth and it ruined the moment. So mayble you don't want to hear it right now, but I love you too.
Melanie: Oh Pete, I love you too.
[Pete and Melanie kiss]
Elka: What's the screw doing here?

Victoria: So. Nick is *not* going to take no for an answer, huh?
Elka: No. I've never been in a triangle before. You girls are slutty; what would you do?
Joy: Geometry's more Victoria's specialty; she's been into triangles, squares...
Victoria: Yeah, I was almost in a hexagon once, but at the last minute the twins dropped out.

[last lines]
Melanie: So, Elka, when are you going to make it official?
Elka: Oh, that's over. We started having problems.
Melanie: What happened?
Elka: Well, we got along fine but... he wouldn't go downtown. If you know what I mean.
[the three girls are stunned]
Elka: What! I mean there are so many good restaurants and, and shops downtown.
[the three laugh, relieved]
Elka: I can't give that up!
Victoria: Why should you?
Elka: [going to answer the door] What did you think I was talking about?
Joy: So you meant shops.
Melanie: Nothing, nothing at all.
Carl: Hi.
Elka: M-Max.
Elka: Listen, Elka, I don't want to lose you, so if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.
Elka: You are?
Carl: Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.
Elka: Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.
Carl: It's just that it's so dark and scary there.
Melanie: Happy birthday.
Joy: Happy birthday.
Victoria: Happy birthday.

Elka: The truth is I'm a great driver, but sometimes I like to drive *real* slow, just to mess with people.

Victoria: Now, I just have to stage my funeral.
Elka: I'll take care of that.
Victoria: Have you ever planned a funeral before?
Elka: I've been planning three of 'em since you moved in.

Elka: Don't you think you're abusing Victoria just a little?
Melanie: Don't you see how pleasant she's being?
Elka: It wasn't a criticism.

Elka: I didn't punch your face in order to hear it talk more.

Elka: Who do you have to shank to get a drink around here.

Melanie: [very perky] Morning. How'd everyone sleep? Me, rock. And what a beautiful Ohio morning; birds are chirping, people are smiling, someone actually said "Hi-ya" to me! With the 'ya'!
Elka: Who put a quarter in that one?

[last lines]
Victoria: My hot gardener went back to his ex-wife.
Elka: Those first wives'll get you every time.
Victoria: Yeah. Well, I'll get over it, but... he was a good man. And God, could he fill a pair of jeans. Now, he had a butt like two scoops of ice cream.
Elka: Max too. Soft serve, but the same idea.

[Melanie is stressed out over having said "I love you" to Pete]
Joy: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I've blurted it out when I didn't mean it, too. Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.
Elka: Couldn't you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?

[first lines]
Political: The following is a paid political announcement. Elka Ostrovsky *seems* like a sweet old lady, but how well do we know her? We know she's been in jail. We know she was married to the mob. We know she lives with three single women. What's that about? Is this the kind of person we want approving appointees to the Municipal Utilities Commission? I don't think so. Vote Jim Powell for city council.
Councilman Powell: I'm a disabled African-American Ohio State football hero, and I approved this message.
Nate: Elka, as your campaign manager my first job is to go after this guy and all of his vicious, ridiculous, embarrassing lies!
Elka: There's just one problem. All that stuff is true.
Nate: OK, we'll just add that to the equation. You now have a point zero zero one percent chance of winning this election.

Elka: I've come to throw a drink in your face... what did I do with my drink?

Joy: Stupid glue. I can't get this wine-glass out of my hand.
Elka: Well, that's how you look eighty percent of the day anyway.

Elka: So, what are you in for, kid?
Diane: Drunk and disorderly, or as I like to call it, Tuesday.

[last lines]
Yoder: Thee?
Elka: Uh, I'm uh... Let's discuss it over dinner.
[walks out door and turns to address disapproving friends]
Elka: Hey, it's a date. Don't waiteth up.

[last lines]
Joy: Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?
Mamie: Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.
Joy: Wilbur, darling, say 'Nana'. Na-na.
Baby: Nana.
Joy: Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.
Mamie: Well, actually his first word wa...
Elka: Zip it.
Victoria: I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.
Joy: Wilbur, say it again. Say 'Nana'.
Baby: TV.
Melanie: Did he just say 'TV'?
Elka: I heard 'Nana'.
Baby: TV.
Elka: That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.
Joy: Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.
Baby: Crap!
Elka: That is us watching our language.
Joy: That's it; you two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.
Baby: Bitch!
Elka: I got nothing.

Elka: I'm a little nervous. Or maybe it's just staring at that rat's nest that Joy calls a hairdo. It's so unsettling.
Joy: Your nerves are making you unpleasant.
Elka: Yes, but I can fix that by finishing this wine. You're still stuck with that hair.
Joy: That's not your joke, Elka; that's Winston Churchill's.
Elka: It's not stealing if you were there.

Elka: Kill them first.

Sean: Are you a Star Trek fan?
Joy: I've actually never seen a Star Trek movie.
Sean: Wow. We're going to change that tonight. I'm going to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Elka: Unlikely.

Elka: He was attracted to me 65 years ago, and I've only gotten prettier.

[last lines]
Victoria: [about her commercial] OK, OK, it wasn't my classiest endeavor. But just remember, it's only airing in Japan. Oh, thank God!
[Victoria's: "Oh my God, is that Victoria Chase?"]
Victoria: It's probably my agent, calling to blow smoke up my - well, you know.
[Victoria leaves]
Joy: When do we tell her it's all over the internet?
Melanie: Oh, I know; I saw it too.
Elka: I posted it.

Sean: Joy didn't mention you were an actress.
Victoria: But then what do you guys talk about?
Elka: You've seen him shirtless. Why would they talk?

Elka: We've never had a big star in the house before.
Victoria: I'm big, Elka.
Elka: Well sure, compared to her, you're a moose.

[last lines]
Professor: Only one person did a film worthy of an A. In a clever homage to the Godzilla films of the 1950s which warned of the horrors of the atomic age, this filmmaker also used frightening imagery to provoke thought. I give you... Elka Ostrovsky's 'Man Hands'.
Joy: Wait. What?
Elka: [narrating film] I was married to the mob. I lived through the horrors of war, but I have never seen anything as terrifying as *man hands*. Man hands.
Elka: [to Joy] I wanted the A.

[first lines]
Joy: Say 'Nana'. Say 'Nana', Wilbur, 'Nana'.
Elka: It's official. Men of *all* ages ignore you.
Joy: Look, some of the other babies in Wilbur's play group have already started talking. Actually, I was getting a little embarrassed so I knocked a few months off his age.
Mamie: You lied about a baby's age?
Victoria: Ah, I wish my mother had done that for me. But, no... I'm a self-made thirty-something.

Elka: Desperate much?

[first lines]
Victoria: Ice. I need ice.
Joy: I realize it's happy hour somewhere, but isn't it a bit early even for you?
Victoria: It happens to be an emergency.
[holding ice tray against the side of her neck]
Victoria: I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.
Elka: What's going on?
Joy: Victoria's having a senior moment.
Elka: Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

Rick: Champagne for everyone.
Pete: What are we celebrating?
Elka: Joy's fake engagement to get a green card. Got a problem with that, porko?
Pete: Congratulations.

[last lines]
Joy: I need to stop being so desperate. If Simon gets in contact, good. But if he doesn't, it's cool.
[her phone chimes]
Joy: I'm not going to define myself by whether or not some man-
[screams as she looks at phone]
Joy: It's a text from Simon; he's coming next week and he can't wait to see me! What am I going to wear? What if my face breaks out? What if he meets a more beautiful woman than me on the plane? I'll kill her, that's what I'll do! And I'll do it slowly.
Elka: I know who else liked to do it slowly. Old Red-eyes.
Melanie: Sinatra was Old Blue-eyes.
Elka: When I snuck into his room, he was pretty drunk.

Joy: Let me ask you something. What's the deal with old ladies and track suits?
Elka: Well, it's simple: in your twenties you dress for men, in your forties you dress for success, in your eighties you dress for a bathroom.

Carl: Another question. Favorite medication?
Elka: Oh, that's a tough one. Oh, all things considered, I think I'm going to have to say Celebrex.
Carl: Celebrex, nice. I'm an Allopurinol man, myself.
Elka: Ooo, gout. Somebody likes to party.

[last lines]
Melanie: Are you really thinking of finding your son?
Joy: Maybe. It's all just a... a lot.
Melanie: I can't imagine.
Joy: Yes, you can. You're a mother.
Victoria: Hey. So are you.
Joy: Thanks. Ah, it's just so weird to think of him out there, a grown man. He could be married, have kids of his own. I might even have... grandkids.
Elka: Hey, maybe one of 'em's old enough for you to date.
[the others just look at her]
Elka: Too soon?

Melanie: Hey! Guys! Guess what? I have a date with my gynecologist.
Elka: They're called appointments, dear.
Joy: We've all been there, Melanie. So desperate for a man's touch you make an appointment you don't even need.
Melanie: No, I've never done that.
Joy: Nor have I.

[first lines]
Policeman: 'Kay, ladies, you see the perpetrator in this lineup?
Elka: Could number four take his shirt off?
Policeman: Why?
Elka: Why not? It's my tax dollars, right?
Melanie: It's number three.
Policeman: Number three step forward.
Victoria: He's the one.
Melanie: Definitely.
Joy: Dirty, rotten bastard.
Elka: Fine; he can take his shirt off too.

Melanie: Maybe this is just what I need to get over Alec.
Elka: You know the old saying.
Melanie: When God closes a door, he opens a window?
Elka: No. The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

Melanie: I wish there was some way we could call for help.
Elka: Oh, um, there's a fireplace. I learned to make smoke signals when I was a child.
Joy: Oh, did you learn that on your playdates with Sitting Bull?
Elka: What was your Indian name? Sleeps With Everyone?

[last lines]
Victoria: The hero kidney donor would like some breakfast.
Melanie: Elka.
Victoria: I would like my initials in my cappuccino foam. And not the two letters you put in there yesterday.
Joy: I say we poison her.
Elka: She's only got the one kidney. It wouldn't take much.

Angie: Who got the sponsor to cut the rest of us out of that Ovaltine commercial?
Peg: He only wanted me.
Elka: Yeah, and after he had you, you were in and we were out.

Mamie: Someone's at our table.
Diane: Hello, GLOBs!
Elka: Looks like she made it after all.

[last lines]
Melanie: What's wrong, sweetie?
Victoria: Apparently, years ago, when I didn't think I had a chance in hell of getting nominated for an Academy Award, I signed a rather unusual contract with the Mrs. Ladypants people. I have to wear... a Mrs. Ladypants... absorbent gown to the Oscars. Now with crystal litter-box technology.
Elka: You're gonna wear diapers to the Oscars?
Victoria: It's not diapers. It's an absorbent gown!
Mitch: Well, look at the bright side: you won't need a seat filler if you have to go to the bathroom during the ceremonies.
Melanie: [laughing] You're very funny.
Victoria: So what am I going to do?
Melanie: You're going to celebrate. We're all going to celebrate. Honey, you could win an Oscar. And, Elka, you could win election.
Victoria: You know what? Melanie is right.
Mitch: She's beautiful too. Somebody else talk.
Victoria: Yeah, I will. So here's to everyone getting exactly what they want.

Elka: I'm sorry I said all those awful things about you.
Mamie: But you didn't.
Elka: Check your Facebook page.

Melanie: I'm sure pre-schools were different in your day.
Elka: My pre-school was a box. My teacher was a potato. And winter came... and I had to eat my teacher!

Melanie: Anyway, I want to look a little slutty. Tonight's the big night with Alec. And it has to be perfect. *I* have to be perfect. So I spent all day getting prepped, and tweezed, and waxed. My whole body's as smooth as a porpoise.
[Emmet has entered]
Melanie: Oh, hi. Emmet. I didn't know you were here.
Emmet: No need for embarrassment. Go on, you were saying: you're as smooth as a porpoise.
Melanie: Men like that, right?
Emmet: Well, it all depends. Sometimes you like the tightly mown lawn of an English country garden, and sometimes you like the steamy jungle of the Amazon rain forest.
Melanie: Oh no! What if Alec's an Amazon guy, and I destroyed the rain forest?
Emmet: Men are not nearly as judgmental as you think. We care more about response, and enthusiasm. If you like the show, let us know.
Elka: Especially if you want an encore.

Elka: I signed up when by bender was over. In fact, that's my screen name, Bender Over.

Joy: Does anyone else smell pot?
Elka: What are you, a cop?
Joy: No.
Elka: Then what's it to you?

[first lines]
Perky: We have on the line with us Victoria from Cleveland. Tell us, Victoria, why are you so excited about these amazing Space Bags?
Victoria: Well, the love of my life was recently thrown into prison, and it turns out that jail cells have no closet space at all. I'll take five hundred.
Melanie: Victoria!
[grabs the phone]
Melanie: Miss Chase will not be purchasing Space Bags at this time. Thank you.
Victoria: Why are you shop-blocking me?
Elka: [Elks enters carrying a shotgun] I heard noises.
Joy: Is that thing loaded?
Elka: One of us is.
Melanie: Well, we're having an intervention for Victoria.
Elka: Because of her drinking?
Melanie: No.
Joy: She's grief-shopping,

Melanie: What *is* all this stuff? I feel like I'm in 'The Goonies'.
Victoria: Wow! Is this stuff real?
Joy: Is that a tiara? Who *are* you?
Elka: I'm Anastasia, the last surviving member of the Romanov dynasty.
Melanie: You are?
Elka: No, but I've always wanted to say that.
Victoria: Is all of this yours?
Elka: No, it's stolen.
Joy: Oh my!
Melanie: What?
Elka: [picks up a knife] And now I'm going to have to *kill* you!
[grins]
Elka: I've always wanted to say that, too.

[last lines]
Joy: So, are you OK, Mel?
Melanie: Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good and you guys have a very early flight tomorrow, so please, just go to Paris and have a wonderful time.
Joy: I don't know. Somehow I can't seem to get excited about Paris any more. No Melanie.
Victoria: You know, Joy... instead of two weeks in Paris, we could spend two weeks in Cleveland; I mean, the Paris of Ohio.
Elka: No, that's Toledo.
Joy: So what should we do now?
Melanie: I say we go to that bar where the men think we're hot.
Elka: I'll drive!

[last lines]
Joy: Hey, if we didn't depress George, we didn't do anything wrong. We can go back to the way things were. Go on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee, you old biddy.
Elka: Coffee with a tart. Sounds good to me.

Elka: All three of 'em are crazy.
Agent: That's registering as true.
Elka: You didn't look at the machine.
Agent: I didn't have to.

Elka: It's all your stupid cop boyfriend's fault.
Melanie: I know, and Pete's being punished. I am not talking to him.
Elka: That's not how you punish a man. You talk more!

[first lines]
Melanie: Hey!
Elka: Oh, how was the farmers' market?
Melanie: Weird.
Joy: In L.A. a farmers' market means sushi, pâté and chilladas.
Victoria: This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

Joy: Maybe I should just call him and tell him the truth.
Victoria: Are you out of your mind! What if he isn't your son?
Melanie: "I might be your mother." Probably a romance killer.
Victoria: Mm-hm. And what's even more horrific is you'd have to admit that you're old enough to be his mother. Now, how old does he think you are?
Joy: He said I looked thirty-eight.
Elka: Your son is mentally challenged?

Mamie: It's three o'clock; Steve Harvey's on.
Elka: Oh, nobody's funnier than Steve Harvey.
Boyce: Really? No-one?
Mamie: He's like the Original King of Comedy.
Boyce: Yeah. Yet, you know, there were other Kings of Comedy, y'know.
Elka: But he was the funny one.
Boyce: Oh, oh, the way Rue McClanahan was the funny one on 'The Golden Girls'.
Elka: I never saw that show.

[first lines]
Victoria: [looking at a shirtless Sean holding a baby] Aaaaaaawww.
Joy: See, just like the calendar. Okay, Sean, put your shirt back on.
Victoria: Aaww.
Joy: Thanks for being such a good sport.
Victoria: Yeah, and for teaching us that other thing.
Sean: Baby CPR.
Victoria: Yes, that. Now if any baby faints when they hear that I'm dating Sir Emmet Lawson, I'll know how to revive them.
Sean: You're dating Emmet Lawson the movie star?
Victoria: How did you drag that out of me?

Joy: How do I look?
Elka: Like you stepped out of a painting... of hookers!

Dr. Deb: This is a very unusual family arrangement you have here; I mean, three grown sisters living with their mother.
Elka: [pointing at Joy] Oh, she's not our mother.

[last lines]
Joy: The police will be here soon.
Elka: We'll be home in time to watch 'Family Feud'.
Mamie: Steve Harvey is the best game show host!
Elka: The best.
Narrator: Really? Isn't that a little bit like saying Cloris Leachman was the best actress on 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show'?
Elka: We never saw that show.
Narrator: Well, America won't get a chance to see the Soul Man if we don't wrap things up here, so why don't we all just take a bow right now?

[first lines]
Elka: Look at our baby; he's so depressed.
Melanie: Maybe we should just take him back to the vet.
Joy: No, the vet said he was fine physically.
Elka: Well, maybe he's just sad because Joy looks like a bone he can't chew on.
Victoria: Or maybe because for every one of our years he ages seven. That would depress the hell out of me.

[last lines]
Pete: What the hell is all this stuff?
Melanie: Wait, wha', you were going to say something.
Elka: You had to date a cop, didn't you?

[last lines]
Joy: Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John *or* George Michael. I thought he wanted *my* sex.
Melanie: I didn't even know the Village People were gay.
Victoria: Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.
Elka: In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.
Melanie: You thought Liberace was straight.
Elka: I could have turned him.

Elka: [to Victoria's selfish whining while Elka is in jail] Oh, you gotta front up and bug down, bitch!... It's prison slang.
Joy: You've been here three hours.
Elka: The joint changes you. I also know how to kill somebody with a toothbrush.

[first lines]
Victoria: Well, thank God Wilbur's present arrived from France in time for his birthday. What did you always dream of having when you were a little girl growing up in Poland?
Elka: Food.
Victoria: But a close second must have been... an eighteenth century beaux arts marionette theater.
Joy: Oh no, the instructions are in French.
Elka: What's French for 'puppets are creepy'?
[Victoria has picked up a puppet]
Elka: It looks just like you.
Joy: There is a resemblance.
Victoria: What? This freakish creature looks nothing like me.
Melanie: [Melanie enters] Hey, where'd you get the Victoria puppet?

Elka: What's with the big M?
Diane: It stands for murder.
Elka: Is that what you're in for?
Diane: No. It's what I've been thinking about ever since you started playing that harmonica.

Victoria: I am definitely going to need an emergency wax.
Elka: But your eyebrows look fine.
Victoria: Oh, it's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.
Joy: Do you think I carry a portable waxing kit?
Victoria: Joy, please!
Joy: OK, fine!
[picks up a candle and serviette from the table]
Joy: I'll MacGyver it.

Agent: I have never experienced anything like that in my career. You are either an extremely skilled liar or an extremely honest 28-year-old.
Victoria: Thank you.
Elka: You got one truth out of us. Sinatra. He did me *his* way.

Joy: I get to stay in America!
Elka: That's another reason to go to Canada.

[last lines]
Victoria: Look at this turnout. You know, Elka's only a few signatures away from getting on the ballot. And her dog park twitter account is trending.
Elka: [laughing] At Elka stop less parks.
Melanie: [looks at @elkastoplessparks banner] You know, when you look at that, it looks like Elka's topless parks.
Elka: [innocently] Does it?
Bob: Well, Joy, I've got a plane to catch.
Joy: Bob's selling the agency and moving back to Canada.
Bob: I made the new owner promise to keep Joy on. He seems like a good guy.
Joy: Good guy, huh?
Bob: Yup. I guess when you look like him, you kind of have to be.
[shows joy a picture of a handsome man]
Joy: I can work with that.
Bob: That's the spirit, Joy. Looks aren't everything.

Elka: I'll be fine after a 24-hour bender. Benders fix everything... except quitting alcohol.
Joy: So, how far in are you.
Elka: Uh, 8 hours, maybe 20. My watch might be upside down.

[first lines]
Victoria: [a police siren is heard approaching] Huh. Wonder what that's about.
Elka: [entering] I'm not here.
Joy: Wait. The police are looking for you?
Elka: [the siren fades into the distance] What police?

Melanie: Sean still not returning your texts?
Joy: He and Bob turn their phones off when they're watching Downton... or playing Half-Life, or going to baseball games. Their bromance is ruining my romance.
Elka: Bros before hos, Joy.
Melanie: Elka!
Elka: Did I say it wrong? They're the bros, she's the ho - no, that's right.

Elka: [eulogy at funeral] Victoria Chase may have been vain, bubble-headed, and crazy...
Melanie: But?
Melanie: There's no but.

[last lines]
Melanie: Guess who gave George Clooney a bath!
[enters carrying the dog]
Joy: Oh, I'm so glad we picked a good name for him. Now we can all honestly say we've slept with George Clooney.
Melanie: Just remember he's a dog, not a person; we don't want to become those wacky, middle-aged women whose lives revolve around their pets.
Elka: Then I guess you don't want to see him in this.
[holds up a doggie chef outfit]
Victoria: Dear God, that's cute.
Joy: It's adorable. Put it on him now.
Melanie: No, seriously, put it on him.
[hands George Clooney to Elka]
Melanie: now.

[first lines]
Melanie: Morning, ladies. What's up?
Mamie: Elka's teaching me how to flirt. Right now we're in a happening night spot, and I'm dressed very provocatively.
Elka: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Mamie: Have we started, or are you really asking?
Elka: You see what I'm up against?
Victoria: Good morning, ladies.
Melanie: Where's Oscar?
Victoria: Unpacking.
Mamie: Oscar? Who's he?
Victoria: She. My daughter. After I had Emmy and Tony, I was determined to have an Oscar no matter what.
Melanie: Oscar's been studying journalism in London for the last two years; now she works for NPR.
Victoria: And she's here to do a story on me.
Melanie: Actually, it's a story about *us*, moving from LA to Cleveland.
Victoria: It's about second acts in life, and how I moved here and reinvented myself.
Melanie: *We* reinvented ourselves!
Victoria: I hope that's not the selfish tone you're going to take in the interview.

Victoria: I know that it's common for a woman to start losing her memory in her early forties.
Elka: You've already forgotten your age.
Victoria: I was born in 1968.
Melanie: But I thought you were born in 1969.
Victoria: Oh my God, I've forgotten my fake age.

[first lines]
Victoria: Mel! Your taxi's here!
Melanie: Oh, okay, coming.
[stumbles on the stairs]
Melanie: Oh, puppy-tails!
Victoria: Melanie, please. Language. What, is that what you're wearing on the plane?
Joy: Mmm, someone's looking to get bumped to first class.
Melanie: Why, no. As soon as I get to New York, I have to rush straight to Jenna's play; I'm not going to have time to change.
Joy: That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.
Elka: Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.
Melanie: Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after.
Elka: Well, in that case, tits ahoy!

[first lines]
Melanie: Well, cross another thing off my bucket list. I have been to a nude beach.
Victoria: I didn't know Cleveland had a nude beach.
Melanie: It has one more than it should.
Elka: Who said I wouldn't run into anyone I knew there?
Melanie: Elka, I'm sorry; how was I to know that your butcher was going to be at a nude beach?
Elka: I'll never be able to order kielbasa from that man again.

Joy: I can't imagine what it's going to be like living here without you.
Victoria: I know. I've been the sun that you three revolve around. But still, I know; it's hard to say good-bye.
Elka: You're making it easier.

Joy: I never told you this, but when I first came to America, I auditioned for the Rockettes. Huh. Only I froze. I couldn't get my legs into the air.
Elka: You sure got over that one.

Melanie: Wow! These toys are really vintage, and kind of inappropriate. Drunken Irish Potato-Head?
Elka: They had a great slogan. I-rish I was drinkin'.

Joy: [about the dog] Maybe there's something we can do to cheer him up. What do I do when I need cheering up?
Elka: He can't do that, Joy. He's been fixed.