150 Best Donna Douglas Quotes

Daisy: First batch went over pretty well, did it?
Elly: Well it kinda depended on who come to the door. If it was a man, we generally hit it off just dandy. Some of them didn't want me to leave.

Daisy: Elly, you get rid of the ants. I'll start the cookin'.
Elly: What ants?
Daisy: Start with your aunt Pearl.

Jed: You fixin' to go wadin'?
Elly: No sir, Pa.
Daisy: Well your skirt is short enough for it.
Jed: That's a fact. You're showin' more meat than a butcher's window.
Elly: Oh! This here's whatcha call a mini skirt.
Daisy: Minnie who?
Jed: Sure can't be Minnie Pearl.

Jake 'J.D.' Clampett: I would like to present Hollywood's newest and most glamorous star, the queen of the silver screen, that dazzling beauty, Miss Venus Adore.
Jed: Howdy Ma'am.
Elly: Howdy Pa.
Daisy: Holy jumpin' toad gizzards! It's Elly May!

Jane: Granny, Mr. Clampett tells me that you've conjured up some sort of love charm for Elly May.
Elly: Right chere it is, made out of old secrets.
Jane: That is ludicrous, irrational, sophomoric, and pure hokum.
Daisy: [Granny laughs] You didn't even guess one ingredient.

Elly: Was you two out all night?
Daisy: Oh not me. I come home at a decent hour, but your Pa was like a colt in a clover patch.

Daisy: Write your name on this paper and then burn it. Then take the ashes and put 'em in this hollered-out peach pit.
Elly: Yes ma'am.
Daisy: Then get 14 petals and lay 'em out on the ground underneath your bedroom window in the shape of a heart.
Elly: Yes ma'am.
Daisy: Then dig a hole in the middle and bury the peach pit with a lock of your hair.
Elly: Yes ma'am.
Daisy: Then close yer eyes and spin around 3 times and throw this magic buckeye on the roof.
Elly: What's all this fer?
Daisy: Well I might as well tell ya. When you do all that and I throw my secret conjure on the fire, you get a fella.
Elly: That's dandy. Just for good luck, Ill hang a horseshoe on the door.
Daisy: No. No no child, I wouldn't want folks thinkin' I'm superstitious.

Daisy: So I've decided to train one of you to carry on the traditions of the Hypocrite's oath.
Jethro: Well don't keep lookin' at me Granny. I decided I don't wanna be a brain surgeon. I wanna be a soda jerk.
Elly: And I wanna be a vetinin, I mean a vetininin, take care of critters.
Daisy: The choice is your's to make.
Elly: Thank you, Granny.
Jethro: Yeah, thanks Granny.
Daisy: And the choice is ta learn doctorin' er get took to the woodshed!

Elly: [Elly May shows Jed Duke's new poodle friend] I named her cotton patch, 'cause her hair grows in clumps.
Jed: I reckon it was clipped that way, Elly May, but the fella that done it musta had the clippers in one hand and a jug in the other. He missed the biggest part of her.
Elly: Old Duke sure has took a fancy to her. He dug up four of his best bones and give them to her.
Jed: She done a lot for Duke too. Before she come along, Duke was feelin' lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut, but lookit him now.

Elly: You reckon there's fellas in Hooterville?
Jed: If there ain't, there will be. How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm after they seen you?

Jed: I'm way overdue for havin' a long talk with that boy.
Elly: Why you keep puttin' it off?
Jed: I reckon it's cause the short ones are so distressin'.

Elly: Whatcha gonna fix, Granny?
Daisy: My courtship special, turnip greens and tonic gravy.

Elly: I sure hope Maria gets to stay.
Jed: On thing's certain. We can't let her go home to Venice. Not right now.
Elly: How come?
Jed: Look at that.
[shows Elly a postcard from Maria's family in Venice]
Jed: They is havin' one of the worst floods I ever seen.

Elly: I dropped my cake on the kitchen table, and it busted into little pieces!
Shorty: That's a shame, Elly.
Jed: Well, I guess that'll keep outta the cake baking contest.
Elly: Oh, no sir. The cake's fine, it's the table I gotta sweep up.

Elly: [Jethro and Elly are fixing Leroy's car] Trouble must be in that thing up front.
Jethro: That's the engine, you dumb girl.
Elly: You better watch out who you callin' dumb. I'm *smart*!
Jethro: You're about as smart as *that* monkey.
Elly: Well, that's better.

Cedric: I'm Cedric Giles-Evans from the firm representing the estate of your distant cousin, the late Marcus.
Jed: Well I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr. Evans. This here is Granny and my daughter, Elly May.
Daisy: Howdy.
Jed: He says that my cousin Marcus is late.
Cedric: Um, he's deceased.
Jed: Oh, he's in luck 'cause Granny's a doctor.
Elly: What kind of disease does he got?

Elly: He's gonna get hurt.
Lawrence: No he's not, Elly. He's just teasing the bull.
Elly: Teasin' it?
Lawrence: Yes, to tire it out.
Elly: Hey! You stop teasin' that bull! Stop it or I ain't gonna marry you!

Mr. Brubaker: I'm very sorry to disturb him in his time of mourning.
Elly: Oh, that's all right. He's been up since the crack of dawn.

Daisy: They've had a long hard winter back home.
Elly: I know, she said back to our cabin, the snow was 3 feet deep.
Daisy: And even deeper outside.

Elly: [Jethro leads in the horse Granny bought for Mrs. Drysdale] Now Ladybelle, if you gonna laugh, I'm gonna have to take you around back.
Jed: Who named this horse "Lightnin"?
Daisy: I did.
Jed: Granny, was you honestly fixin' to give this poor ol' animal to Mrs. Drysdale?
Daisy: What do you mean, poor ol' animal? All it needs is a little groomin' and some good food.
Jed: What'll it use to chew with?
Daisy: It's got teeth, hasn't it Jethro?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. One upper one lower.

Jed: I'm awful sorry, but I'm gonna have to let you go. Oh, I'll see to it you get a check for a month's salary.
Maria: Celery, si. Celery, you like?
Jed: Yes ma'am, but
[Maria starts cutting celery]
Jed: Miss Maria, ma'am, I'm just gonna have to come out and say this blunt. You're fired.
Maria: Fire, si.
[turns on the stove]
Maria: I cook good celery.
Jed: I'm afraid what we got here is a failure to communicate. I'll have my nephew talk to you. He claim to speak Italian.
Maria: Arrivederci.
Jed: No, Jethro.
Elly: How did you do, Pa?
Jed: Outside a gettin' some celery to cookin', I done real poor.

Jed: [Elly May calls her chimp 'Cousin Bessie'] You hadn't ought to call that critter 'cousin', Elly.
Elly: But why not?
Jed: Well, you see, Jethro's your cousin and that puts Jethro and her in the same... well, never mind. I reckon I just gotta get used to bein' a monkey's uncle.

Elly: Is this your dog, mister?
Jerry: Look out! He's a man-eater!
Elly: Well I ain't no man.

Daisy: [Elly May brings in a critter in a cage] What kind of a varmint is that?
Elly: It's what Mrs. Drysdale wants most of all for Christmas, a mink.
Jed: Elly May, Mrs. Drysdale especially wanted a full-length mink. This one fit the bill?
Elly: Yes sir, it's as long as they come.
Jed: I know the answer to this, but I'm gonna ask you anyway. You didn't by any chance steal this critter, did you?
Elly: No sir.
Jed: Well, I know'd you hadn't, but Mrs. Drysdale made such a point of it. She said she didn't want no mink stole.

Elly: You get a free kitten with every haircut. If you have a tooth pulled, you get a free puppy.

Elly: How much is my dowry?
Jed: Well back home I had it figgered out in pigs, chickens, and goats, but Sonny seems to favor hard cash.

Elly: Granny, I think this critter come from Africa.
Daisy: That must be some place in Virginia.

Elly: Granny, don't you hurt my gorilla!

Elly: Do you want a plate of grits and gravy?
Jed: Yeah, that'd be fine.
Elly: There you are.
Jed: My, don't that look scrumptious.
Elly: Don't it though. I cain't figger out why ol' Duke didn't finish it.
[Jed was about to take a bite, but changes his mind]

Lester: Oh the best durn soap is Granny's lye soap/It gets yer clothes much whiter/You can bet your hat it'll make dirt scat/And make your whole day brighter.

Jane: I'm particularly anxious to prepare some of the gastronomical delights indigenous to your native hills.
Elly: I sure hope you have some time to do some cookin' too.

Daisy: Now you run along and get into some clothes.
Elly: Yes'm Granny. See you later Mr. Farquhar?
Lowell: Definitely.
Daisy: Back home in the hills, if a man was to see a girl dressed like that, he'd have to marry her.
Lowell: That's a fine custom.

Elly: He said I got a way with critters.
Granny: You better git away with this one before your Pa sees it.

Jethro: Elly, you ain't been as fer in school as me. I've read whole books on the stuff and girls can't be knights.
Elly: Why not?
Jethro: Don't ask me. Ask King Arthur. The best you can be is a maiden or a damsel.

Daisy: Young'uns, you know the code of the hills. What is the lowest, meanest, traitorous thing a friend can do to his neighbor?
Elly: Tell the revenooers he's got a still.

Milburn: Elly May, that goat eats securities. I told you to get her out of here.
Elly: Well I did, Mr. Drysdale. I put her down in the vault and now she's sick from eatin' too much money.

Jed: You know any good fishin' bridges, Jethro?
Jethro: Only bridge I know goes over the Los Angeles river.
Daisy: Ain't nothin' like a river for catfish. Let's get goin'.
Jethro: Wasn't much water in it last time we was there.
Jed: Maybe the beavers had it dammed up.
Elly: If'n they still there, can I bring home a beaver?

Daisy: I just heard that Jane Hathaway is sick a-bed and I wanna cook her up a nice big pot of chicken broth.
Elly: [shocked] Granny! You ain't fixin' to cook Earl?
[the rooster]
Daisy: Oh, of course not, Elly, but I figgered you could turn him loose in the neighborhood and he just might bring home a plump little hen.
Elly: Well Granny, I don't reckon Earl wants you to cook none of his sweethearts neither.

Elly: Say, Granny, how long ago was this here spinnin' wheel made?
Granny: Oh, that's got to be at least 150 years old.
Elly: What did you use before you got this?

Elly: Sure am glad we brought the truck to London. It's dandy for sight-seein'.
Daisy: Yeah, and we're the sight everybody is seein'. You see how folks are starin' and pointin' at us. They know we run out on the feud.
Jed: Now Granny.
Jed: She's right, Uncle Jed. Ain't no other reason they'd be laughin' at us.

Elly: Lance is what you call an Ace. That means he's been in lots of dogfights.
Jed: Oh, my nephew, Jethro's been in a few of them.
Lance: Really?
Jed: Yeah, last one he had was a doozy.
Lance: Tell me, what did he tangle with? A Russian MIG?
Jed: No, it was a French Poodle

Elly: Granny! Granny! Come quick! The Lone Ranger's ridin' up the driveway.
Jed: The Lone Ranger! He's my hero!
Dash: [wearing a mask and riding a white horse] Hi-yo Granny.
Jed: I'm comin', Kemosabe!
[Granny runs outside]
Jed: Here I am!
[Granny jumps on back and rides away with Dash]
Sam: Who was that masked man?
Elly: Don't you know? That's the Lone Ranger.

Jethro: Oh, here's somethin' else Mr. Drysdale sent over.
[he opens a box of golf shoes with cleats]
Jed: By doggies, Jethro, them golfs must be the toughest little critters there is. First you shoot 'em, then you club 'em, then you stomp 'em with spikes.
Elly: That ain't all. Miss Jane says to me she says, "When your Pa and Jethro go out to shoot, tell 'em to watch out for the traps."
Jed: Traps too? Oooh I can't wait to tangle with one of them golfs.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, will you look at this? Ellie made me bullets for your rifle.
Elly: Them is lady fingers!

Jethro: [Mr. Drysdale hurt himself when he bent over to pick up the ball] Your sacroiliac again?
Elly: Yes. Get me home quick before Granny tries to doctor me.

Jethro: [reading from Pearl's letter] "We knowed it was Jasper. He was there to get Jethrine. Her beauty had set his heart to burnin' with flamin' desire."
Elly: What's "flamin' desire" Pa?
Jed: Well uh, Granny will explain that to you later.
Daisy: Well, I'll try. You're sure countin' a heap on my memory.

Jed: I'm about of a notion that that little fella needs fixin' more than his car.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: Well uh, turns out that we had his name backwards and he didn't have the gumption to tell us.
Elly: He is right skittish.
Jed: I believe that a good-sized bunny rabbit could face him down.

Elly: This here little feller is what you call a jaguar.
Granny: Where'd he come from?
Elly: Critter doctor over to the zoo said he comes all the way from South America.
Granny: Down Louisiana way. Nice country.

Elly: She's got Mr. Cushing in one room , Mr. Farquhar in the other...
Jed: They's both here?
Elly: Yes sir, and her shoes is just a-smokin' from runnin' back and forth betwixt 'em.
Jed: Leave it to Granny to fish two cricks at once.

Elly: How do you like my joggin' outfit?
Jed: That's real cute, Elly, but you're showin' more meat than a butcher's window.

Elly: [the crowd is chanting "Olé"] Why don't he throw away that ol' red coat and lay down like everybody's tellin' him?

Elly: Yonder's the statue of Daniel Webster.
Jed: He must be a pretty famous fellow, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh, heck yeah. There's a whole book wrote about him. It's called a dictionary.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, they's quit the Beverly Hills club and joined ours.
Elly: They seen us joggin', and started followin' us for some reason.
[the men are all looking at Elly]

Professor P. Caspar Biddle: You're absolutely amazing, Elly May. You've even tamed a Corvus brachyrhynchos.
Elly: For a bird watcher, you don't know much about critters. This here's a crow.

Elly: Pa, if you don't leave before Granny gets home, you're gonna catch the dickens.
Jed: I know, Elly.
Elly: Well, she says Miss Phyllis is a gold-diggin' chorus girl just after you for your money.
Jed: Well, I know that too.
Elly: Well, why don't you go?
Jed: Elly, I have invested a whole day and a heap of money just so Granny can have the pleasure of bein' right. I can't spoil it now!

Doug: Miss Richards is buying the house.
[hands a tip to Jed, Granny, and Elly May and leaves]
Elly: Ten, twenty, thirty dollars.
Daisy: Is this all they're offering for the place?
Jed: I don't hardly think so. I don't know what we paid for it but I believe that it would top this.

Elly: I'm afraid I ain't learned to type yet, Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Typing isn't important. Why, your radiant beauty will enchant all who enter this office. And when that telephone rings, the caller will be charmed by the richness of your father... uh voice.

Daisy: Granny says she knows why your wife was so anxious to get us out of town.
Elly: She does?
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: It's because she don't want me runnin' agin her for Beverly Hills Possum Queen.

Daisy: I just remembered, I need some stuff for my new tonic. You'all go git it fer me.
Jed: What do you need?
Daisy: Pasadena berries.
Elly: Pasadena berries?
Jethro: I never heard of them.
Jed: What do they look like?
Daisy: You'll find out when you get to Pasadena.

Janet: Mr. Smith?
Walter: Yes?
Janet: Why do we have to look like this?
Walter: I don't know, Miss Tyler, I really don't know. But you know something? it doesn't matter. There's an old saying, a very, very old saying: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". When we leave here, when we go to the village, try to think of that, Miss Tyler. Say it over and over to yourself. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".

Mr. Pinckney: What is that?
[points to the chimp dusting the chandelier]
Elly: That's Cousin Bessie.
Mr. Pinckney: [Pinckney's monocle falls out] Cousin Bessie?
Elly: Yeah. Ain't she a doozy. Why she can hang on with one hand and dust with three.

Elly: Granny clobbered him.
Jane: Banzai? Why he's a Judo champion, a Karate champion. He must have 5 or 6 belts.
Daisy: [raising her fist] I give him about four more.

Daisy: That's a scarecrow you're settin' on you stupid crow. Scare! Is he one of yours?
Elly: No ma'am. Can I have him?

Elly: [Lester is stunned after Gladys calls to tell him that her screen test was a big success] Want me to hang up the phone, Mr. Flatt?... Mr. Flatt?
Earl: See if he answers to Mr. Delovely.

Jed: You're a young lady now. I want you to act like one and look like one. Go put on a dress.
Elly: Why Johnny wouldn't even know me with a dress on.
Jed: I'll introduce you. Now scoot.

Janet: I just want to be normal! Why can't I be normal?

Sonny: How now, brown cow.
Elly: How now, brown cow.
Jethro: How's it goin', Uncle Jed?
Jed: Bad. Now he's got Elly believin' ol' Duke is a cow.

Milburn: Oh, Elly May, wouldn't you like to try to hit one of the targets?
Elly: Shore would!
Milburn: Well, which gun would you like to use?
Elly: [pulls out a slingshot] Don't want no gun!
Jed: Elly May don't much cotton to firearms.
Milburn: Don't tell me she's gonna try to hit...
Elly: [sets herself, pulls back slingshot] Pull!
[launches perfect shot to shatter clay pigeon, sets arms akimbo and beams with satisfaction, Drysdale gets dejected, blank look on his face]

Jed: [Jed gives parting advice to Elly before she goes to the movie studio] You just be your own sweet, purty self, and do a honest day's work movie-starrin'.
Elly: Well, Jethro says I gotta be an extry 'fore I can be a star.
Jed: All right, after you're extry for a while, you ask 'em, real polite, 'Can you be a star?'
Elly: Yes sir, Pa.

Elly: Oh, they's fixin' to shoot my gorilla!
Jethro: They is just tranquilizer guns to calm him down.
Jed: Can we get 'em to take a shot at Granny?

Elly: Whatch'all lookin' fer?
Jane: Birds.
Elly: Well shucks, you don't need them things
[binoculars]
Elly: . I'll just whistle you one down so as you can see it up close.

Jed: Elly, I wish you'd wear a dress. How do you expect to get a fella when you look like one yourself?
Elly: Ah gee whiz, Pa.
Jed: Maybe she'll listen to you. Tell her she looks like a feller.
Shifty: Mr. Clampett, I have bent the truth in my day, but that would be ridiculous.

Jethro: You'll have to go back to your office, Elly May. This here is top secret stuff.
Elly: Okay nut nut.
Jethro: It's naught naught!

Jewelry: Now, this is the engagement ring.
Jethro: Thank you.
Jewelry: You might, in a subtle way of course, let the bride know that she is getting ten perfect carats.
Jed: Well that's mighty nice of you.
Daisy: Nice, my foot. After the money you spent, he could at least send her a smoked ham.
Jewelry: And here are madame's lovely earrings and necklace.
Daisy: How many carrots did I git?
Jewelry: About fifty, but of course they're not perfect.
Daisy: Well in that case, I'll take turnips.
Jewelry: And for mademoiselle, this beautiful diamond bracelet.
Elly: Do I get some carrots too?
Jewelry: Oh yes indeed, about thirty.
Jed: You sure are generous with your vegetables.
Jewelry: So are you, sir. You're going to be sending me a lot of cabbage.
Jed: I am?
Jewelry: Yes, cabbage is money.
Jed: Well, your store, but I'll be dogged if I see how you stay in business.

Elly: Granny, it's for your health. Why Mr. Drysdale says it lowers your kesterol.
Jethro: That's cholester oil.
Daisy: Well it lowered his till it was draggin'.

Elly: Mrs. Drysdale must be in terrible shape, fightin' mean, scratchin' an clawin' people an everything.
Daisy: How do you know?
Elly: I heard her yellin' clean from upstairs. She says,"Marie, Marie, come and get clawed." Sure enough, pretty soon, this poor girl come a runnin' down and yellin' "Take me to the doctor, I got clawed."
[Claude is Mrs. Drysdale's dog]

Elly: [Elly brings in a box of kittens] Ain't they cute?
Jed: 'Course they is cute, Elly, but if there's one thing we don't need right now, it's more critters
Daisy: Your Pa's right, Elly. Take 'em back.
Elly: But Granny, I already named 'em.
Daisy: Don't matter. Take 'em back.
Elly: They is all named after presidents. This one here is George Washington. This one here is Abraham Lincoln. And this one is Theodore Roosevelt.
Daisy: Take 'em back, Elly.
Elly: This one is Jefferson Davis.
Daisy: He can stay.

Jethro: Somethin' go wrong with the bridge game?
Elly: Sho'nuff did! Granny got riled and busted it up.
Jed: What riled you, Granny?
Granny: Well first off, them other women wanted me to put my cards down on the table so all of them could see 'em.
Jed: That don't hardly seem fair.
Granny: Of course it don't and when I asked them why, they said, "Because you're the dummy."

Elly: I hope that soup we throwed out the winda don't kill the flowers.
Daisy: How can anybody eat soup made outa turtles?
Jed: Pitiful
Jethro: And that thing he called Welsh Rabbit, didn't have no rabbit in it at all, just a lot of doggone melted cheese!
Jed: Wasn't too bad after Granny dumped the grits in it.
Daisy: What was it he called that big crawdad?
Elly: That was Lobster Thermidor.
Jethro: That didn't taste bad neither once we poured hot gopher gravy over it.

Daisy: Ain't you ever heared of sharks?
Elly: Of course I have.
Daisy: But what will you do if you meet up with one of 'em?
Elly: Nothin' I can do. Pa says I can't bring home no more critters.

Johnny: [Johnny has to write a letter to his ma] Honey, I don't write so good.
Elly: I'll write it fer you. Tell me what to say.
Johnny: [Johnny stands behind Elly May and smells her hair] Oh baby!
Elly: To your ma?

Elly: Why don't you'all shoot skeets like Mr. Drysdale?
Jethro: What's skeets?
Jed: Ah, he told me about them. Them is clay birds.
Daisy: Well if you two go to shootin' clay birds, don't expect me to cook 'em.

Elly: I'm usin' that hold you showed me Granny, Tennessee Toe Torture.

Geologist: Mr. Clampett, you're a very rich man!
Jed: How big a rock did you bean him with?
Elly: No bigger than a hedge apple.

Beauregard: I never seen such a tight dress. My daddy warned me to keep away from women like you.
Elly: Did he, Beau?
Beauregard: Yes Ma'am.
[Elly May kisses Beau]
Beauregard: But he's nuts, let's get married.

Elly: It's a baby walrus. Ain't he cute, Pa? Can I take him home?
Jed: Hadn't better, Elly. He'd remind Granny too much of Lafe Crick.

Jed: By doggies, that was a mighty tasty dessert.
Elly: Well, I guess you wasn't just funnin' when you said what you did about chocolate sauce.
Jed: What'd I say?
Elly: Well, you always said you could eat sawdust if they had chocolate sauce on it.
Jed: Elly May, you didn't feed me chocolate covered sawdust, did you?
Elly: 'Course not, Pa.
Jed: Good.
Elly: That was last night's meatloaf.
Jed: Meatloaf?
Elly: Remember, you said it was so good you was gonna save it for dessert.

Elly: Pa come quick! Granny's sinkin' fast!
Jed: What?
Elly: She's took to bed with double pneumonie and pond water poisonin'!
Jed: Why she never even got good and wet afore I got her outa that pond.
Elly: Well come on Pa, she's about to breathe her last!
Jed: Granny's just tryin' to get back at me fer spoilin' her scrap with Mrs. Drysdale.

Elly: What's Clamco Inc., Pa?
Jed: Well Clamco's the name of our corporation.
Elly: Is we gonna make ink?

Marineland: Ever worn a wetsuit?
Elly: Well shucks yeah! He had a wet suit just this mornin'.

Elly: Why yonder's Henry.
[whistles]
Elly: Come on down, Henry, come on down.
[a bird lands on Elly's hand]
Professor P. Caspar Biddle: Remarkable! She has tamed a Cyanocitta stelleri.
Elly: Well this is a blue jay.
Jane: Same thing, Elly. He's a member of the Corvidae family.
Elly: No Ma'am, he's a Clampett.

Elly: What's that about my new maid?
Jethro: Jethro's enamored of her.
Daisy: Oh no ma'am! He likes her a heap.

Jethro: Hey, wait a minute, Dash. I gotta talk to you.
Dash: Later, Jethro.
Jethro: Can't wait! I gotta talk to you right now!
Elly: Dash, I'll fix you up some donuts.
Dash: You heard her, I gotta get outta here.

Elly: I've got my financing for Las Vegas, a rich widow.
Jethro: Really?
Elly: Yeah, we're forming a partnership.
Jethro: Ha! Good luck.
Elly: You don't object?
Jethro: Why should I? Her money isn't in my bank... is it?
Elly: As a matter of fact it is.
Jethro: You don't mean Granny?
Elly: I call her Daisy. She calls me Lowell.
Jethro: Why you Beacon Hill bunko artist!

Elly: Would you take this here fur coat?
Cousin: Your mink? For keeps?
Elly: I sure would appreciate it. It makes my friends in the woods kinda skittish. They reckon I'll be wearing them next.

Elly: You gonna walk all the way to the bank?
Daisy: No, I'm goin' at a fast trot.

Elly: $50 million and she makes her own soap?
Milburn: They don't spend their money. Have you noticed Elly May?
Elly: Oh yes!
Milburn: Have you noticed how she runs around in those faded old blue jeans?
Elly: Yes! Tight, aren't they?
Milburn: What?
Elly: Tight. As you say, they don't spend their money.

Elly: Whenever we were in trouble, the quarterback would call my number.
Daisy: And you'd tell him what to do on the phone, huh?
Elly: No, I was in the game. He'd call on me to take a hand off.
Jed: Take your hand off what?

Elly: You didn't hurt my gorilla, did you Granny?
Daisy: You fetch him back and I'll fan his tail till he lights up like a lightnin' bug
Jed: Granny, you and that ape best call it a draw. You kicked him down the cellar steps, he throwed you through the door. Keep this up and somebody's gonna get hurt.

Jethro: Hey Elly, get away from that bull!
Elly: Ain't he cute, Jethro. I'm gonna call him Marvin.

Daisy: What about that bear?
Elly: Well, Granny, if he's kin to Daniel Boone, he won't be scared of no bear.

Jed: Well now, ain't that handy?
Elly: What's that, Pa?
Jed: The way the road takes a bend in here and runs right by the front door.
Milburn: No, Mr. Clampett, this is your driveway.

Jethro: Look what I got
[holding a letter]
Jed: From your ma?
Jed: No, from the President.
Daisy: The president of what?
Elly: The president of the whole country.
Daisy: You got a letter from Jeff Davis?

Dr. Martin: [the critter doctor gives Elly May a baby bobcat] I hope your Granny won't mind, he's still a little wild.
Elly: Oh I can tame him.
Dr. Martin: I'm sure you can, but what about Granny?
Elly: Well ain't nobody can tame her.

Elly: Are you gonna learn Jethro to meditate, escape the flesh?
Guru: I am.
Elly: Could you learn me?
Guru: Oh, you don't want to escape flesh like that.

Elly: Jed, I may not win no prize for my tomaters, but wait'll them judges take a look at my chicken.
[Granny rides away on an ostrich]

Daisy: [Jethro and Elly May try to restrain Granny] Ain't you got no respect? Can't you see I got one foot in my grave?
Jethro: No, but I can sure feel the other one in my stomach.
Elly: We dasn't let go, Granny. You'll go down and whomp Mrs. Drysdale.

Daisy: Why in tarnation do you wanna shoot at a saucer like this? If you ain't careful, you'll bust 'em.
Elly: Whereabouts is the cups?
Milburn: There aren't any cups.
Daisy: See! You done busted 'em, didn't you?

Elly: A feller on the radio last night said that Beverly Hills folks is bein' robbed by a cat burglar.
Daisy: Cat burglar?
Jed: By doggies, I can almost understand a starvin' man turnin chicken thief, but why in tarnation would anybody want to steal cats?
Elly: Maybe he's got a powerful lot of mice.

Elly: Miss Hathaway says it's a Californy sun dress.
Jed: I'd let no son of mine wear it, daughter neither.

Jethro: Will y'all stop worryin'. You're travellin' with an educated man.
Elly: You only gradiated 6th grade.
Jed: Elly, you can't fault twelve years of schoolin'.

Daisy: Howdy all you folks out there in television land. I'm fixin' to show you how I make Snyder's Surprise Soup. It's named after Snyder's Swamp back home cuz it's made from all the critters who live there. First, you start with a good rich gator stock. I reckon some of you city folks calls it elligator, but back home we don't use the *Elli*.
Elly: Did you call me, Granny.

Elly: Granny sure is happy, ain't she, Pa?
Jed: For a fact, Elly. Ever since she met that fella, she's been grinnin' like a butcher's dog.

Daisy: Now ths bottle is for Mr. Drysdale.
Elly: Granny, you sure you wanna tonic him again?
Daisy: Whatcha mean?
Elly: Well last year, he like to went wild. Why he grabbed his wife, hugged her and kissed her and carried on somethin' scandalous.
Daisy: I wondered why she asked me for 2 bottles this year.

Daisy: Elly May Clampett, did you drag home another pussy cat?
Elly: No, this here's a special one. I been helpin' the critter doctor over to the zoo, and he let me bring this here one home cuz his ma was bein' mean to it.
Daisy: Husky little critter. Oughta be a good mouse catcher when he gets growed.
Elly: We can't keep him that long. Why the critter doctor says he gets to be 8 or 10 feet long. He's a lion.
Daisy: He sure is. Even a bobcat don't get that big.

Harry: Excuse me, are you going to re-stage this?
Jethro: [to Elly May] Am I gonna re-stage this?
Elly: Yes J. B.
Commodore: Are you out of your mind?
Jethro: [to Elly May] Am I outta my mind?
Elly: Yes J. B.

Elly: Now you take me back to the bank straight off, cuz Miss Jane's waitin' for you.
Dick: Oh boy. Hey, would you like to drive?
Elly: Is it alright?
Dick: Yeah. Maybe we won't make it.

Elly: And I'll learn you wrasslin' so as the big kids won't be pickin' on you.
Armstrong: Oh, I'd like that. And perhaps I could assist you in some subject. How about English?
Elly: Thank you, little Deusey, but I done been learned to talk that. I kind of have a hankerin' for history though. What you studyin' in that?
Armstrong: At present, we're on the Civil War.
Daisy: You mean the war betwixt the Yankees and the Americans?
Jed: You boys run along now, you're excused.
Daisy: Just a minute, sonny. Who'd they learn you won that war?
Jed: Granny, the boys got studyin' to do.
Daisy: I want an answer to my question. We is payin' school taxes and I wanna know that they're learnin' our young-uns the truth. Now, who did they say won, the North or the South?
Jed: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
[winks at Dueser]
Daisy: Hush up, Jed. I can't hear the boy's answer.
Armstrong: Why Madam, every true student of history knows that the glorious army of that brilliant and beloved leader, General Robert E. Lee, were never really defeated.
Daisy: Hallelujah! Stay fer supper.
Jethro: Hey little Deusey, didn't our history teacher over to the school say...
Armstrong: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
Daisy: Smart little feller, but I gotta learn him the right words to "Dixie."

Jane: Elly, are that cat and that rooster compatible?
Elly: Oh no. They gets along just fine.

Elly: Pa, ain't you gonna marry up with that city woman?
Jed: No Elly. Us old foxes is trap-shy, especially when the bait goes to chasin' us.

Elly: He says it ain't time yet for a meeting of the board.
Jed: Tell him we get bored quicker than city folks.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale give us that bird for a meal, not a pet.
Elly: He's awful smart, pa, and friendly too. Why I learned him to shake hands.
Jed: Elly, he ain't likely to be goin' into politics.

Elly: Well I still say this ain't no big hawg.
Daisy: What are you talkin' about, child? Why that rascal is good for 300 yards of chitlins alone.
Jed: And would ya look at them jowls
Daisy: Take a tub of turnip greens just to season 'em.

Daisy: Who are you, lovely, talented girl.
Elly: My name is Elly May.
Daisy: Well Elly May, you sure do make a fine candle.
Elly: Thank you, ma'am.
Daisy: I bet you nobody here has ever seen anything shaped as good as that. And the candle ain't bad neither.

Elly: Granny, what's that rope fer?
Daisy: To lasso my whale. He's too big for a hook and line.

Elly: [Elly puts Marvin in a headlock] Now whatcha wanna do, dance or wrassle?

Commodore: Who are you? His nurse?
Elly: No sir. I'm Jethro's yes-girl. No matter what he says, I got to say "Yes" to it.
Commodore: [Watching Elly May walk away] Maybe the kid isn't as dumb as he acts.

Elly: Hey Pa, can I fetch home me a swimmin' critter from Marineland?
Jed: We'll see, Elly. Jethro ain't even joined yet.
Elly: Well how 'bout if'n I join the Marines too?
Jed: I'm afraid not, Elly. Says here in the paper that they can build men, but I don't see how they can build one outta you.

Jethro: Wait till my real crystal ball gets here. I'll show you I can predict things, you dumb ol' turkey brain.
Elly: I predict somethin' right now. You're gonna get hit so hard, you're gonna have a 6-foot neck.

Elly: [referring to the van] Are Miss Jane and the Grun girls in there?
Milburn: No, they're at the bank.
Daisy: I suppose you got 'em locked up in the vault.
Milburn: No, I didn't think of it.
Daisy: What?
Milburn: No, I wouldn't think of it.

Elly: [Elly has Jethro in a toe hold] Say it! Say it!
Jethro: You're a knight. You're a knight.
Elly: Say the rest of it. What are you?
Jethro: I'm a damsel.

Elly: Boy that College of Judo and Karate ain't worth a hoot.
Daisy: Why? What happened?
Elly: Well I went in this big room with a real thick rug on the floor and the teacher come out wearing his pajammers.
Daisy: His pajammers?
Elly: Yeah, and when I told him I wanted to enroll, why he got madder than a rattlesnake with a sore tooth.
Daisy: What'd he get mad about?
Elly: Well I don't know. He musta got outta the wrong side of the bed. Anyway, he commenced shoutin' and choppin' away at me. Why he even tried to trip me.
Daisy: Land sakes. What did you do?
Elly: I give him what fer, bounced him around that rug like a basketball.
Daisy: Good for you, darling.
Elly: I didn't stop thowin' him 'til he offered to gradiate me.
Daisy: Did he gradiate you?
Elly: Yeah, but he didn't give me no cap and gown. All I got was this skinny old black belt.
Daisy: Wait'll I tell your Pa. That college is gonna be short one ornery professor.

Jed: [Elly shows in the harem girls] What in the Sam Hill?
Elly: The man that brung 'em by said that they was some of the Sheik's favorite dancin' girls.
Jethro: Yeah, he wants you to have 'em for wives.
Daisy: Wives?
Jed: Well, fetch 'em back boy. I can't take a present like that.
Jethro: Wait a minute, Uncle Jed! Let's talk about it first.
Jed: Jethro!
Jethro: At least look 'em over before you go returnin' 'em.

Granny: Elly May, get these varmints outa here!
Elly: But Granny, they ain't varmints, they is my critters!
Granny: I don't care if they is your cousins, git em outa my kitchen before I make stew outa them!

Elly: I sure don't wanna marry up with no man that I can whup.

Daisy: Did you see that coat?
Jed: I reckon that explains what happened to the other 5 cats.
Elly: Awful!
Daisy: Poor woman.
Jethro: She's really hard up. ain't she?
Jed: She is for a fact. It's bad enough havin' to sell her bathtub, but when it comes to skinnin' her cats for clothes...
[the Clampletts leave, crying]

Jed: Now, these small-town boys are different. They're more friendly. You'll get yourself a husband in no time at all.
Elly: I will?
Jed: You play your cards right, you will.
Elly: Well, what do I do?
Jed: Well, first off, you get yourself into a dress, and be your own sweet, purty self, and the first thing you know, some boy will ask you out.
Elly: Well, out where?
Jed: Well, out to a church social, a husking bee, something.
Elly: Well, then what?
Jed: If you play your cards right, he'll ask you out again, to dance, or moonlight hayride, something real romantic.
Elly: Well, then what?
Jed: Well, play your cards right, first thing you know, you're married!
Elly: Well, is that all there is to it?
Jed: Elly, I reckon I didn't tell it very good, but, uh, that card-playing can be a heap of fun!
Jed: [later] Granny, I think you best have a talk with Elly about courting and such.
Daisy: I thought you was gonna do that.
Jed: I tried, but the way I left it, first fella that asks for her hand is liable to wind up holding a fistful of cards!

Elly: [They forgot to put Granny's jug in the cabin] Well Bessie can fetch it.
Jed: No Elly, I'd best do it. That little monkey gets one taste of Granny's corn, we'll never get her back on bananas.

Elly: There ain't gonna be no sausages, cuz this here is a hippopotamus.
Jethro: It might be a hippopotamus now, but it's comin' outta that sausage grinder a hawg.

Jed: Sounds like Granny and Pearl is after the same feller.
Elly: Yes sir. They is fightin' out front. I best go help the loser.
Jed: Who's losin'?
Elly: Mr. McKeegan.

Cousin: Trouble is we don't know no doctors.
Elly: Well, I know the critter doctor over to the zoo.
Cousin: Jethro's a human being, Elly May.
Jethro: Thank you, Ma.

Jed: I declare, this is the nosiest family a man was ever burdened with.
Daisy: Well lookit them shoes, all fresh oiled.
Elly: Fancy new laces, too!
Cousin: And them's his best socks.
Jethro: And it ain't even Sunday.
Cousin: Son, every day's Sunday when you're in love.
Jed: Now that takes the rag offen the bush. I ain't in love and I just oiled my shoes 'cause they was squeakin'.
Daisy: They been squeakin' for 15 years as I remember. You ain't never oiled 'em.

Daisy: [Granny is facing the dog, believing it is Jed] Save your strength. You're wrinklin' fast.
Elly: Granny, your specs is all steamed up. That's Duke!

H.H.H. Jones: [Elly May is in the bear pen at the zoo] Oh, I can't look. One hug from those powerful arms could kill you.
Jed: Don't squeeze too hard, Elly May! Mr. Jones is worried you might hurt his bear.
Elly: Alright, Pa.

Elly: Miss Jane straightened me out on that bullfightin' business.
Jethro: She did, huh?
Elly: Yeah, it turns out you don't hand wrassle him at all.
Jethro: Just kinda wastin' your time, huh?
Elly: Yeah, but I know what to do now.
Jethro: What's the tablecloth fer?
Elly: For the bull.
Jethro: Now wait a minute, boy, let your Granny cook him first!

Jed: I'll try talkin' Granny into lettin them stay.
Elly: Do you think you can?
Jed: Maybe, but it's gonna be harder than givin' a bath to a bobcat.

Elly: Please, Pa, make him stop. Jethro's gonna have my gorilla too tired to rassle.

Elly: Can I go ahead and start cookin' breakfast?
Daisy: Uh, no, no Elly, just make the coffee... Elly, on second thought, just boil some water... Elly...?
Elly: Yes 'm.
Daisy: Try not to burn it.

Jed: You know, the only way you'd get a housekeeper past Granny is to hold a shotgun on her.
Elly: Even that might not work. She's dead set agin 'em.

Daisy: Your chickens are in my tomato patch again.
Elly: Well I'm sorry, Granny.
Daisy: Them tomatoes is gonna win me a blue ribbon at the county fair and if I catch your hens peckin' at 'em again, they's gonna be swimmin' in hot gravy.