Top 50 Quotes From Rules of Engagement

Russell: Hey, what's up?
Adam: Hey, did you rearrange your furniture?
Russell: Oh yeah, I porn shuied the whole office.
Adam: You what?
Russell: I porn shuied it. That's when you rearrange your furniture so that people can't see what's on your computer screen
Adam: Porn shui?
Russell: Yeah, I invented it.
Adam: You are a very deep guy.
Russell: Yet I don't mean to be.

Jeff: Don't play dumb with me. It's a game you can't win.

[last lines]
Russell: You know what this means?
Adam: No, what?
Russell: You're still on death row, and the date has been set, but what's this? The phone rings! Who could it be? Oh my god, it's the governor!
Adam: What does he want?

[first lines]
Russell: Hey! Timmy! I got a little invite to a shindig in the Hamptons tomorrow, be ready to leave at noon and don't wear that jacket that makes you look like a terrorist.
Timmy: Both personally hurtful and politically incorrect sir, well done.

[first lines]
Jeff: What would you give me if I put this whole waffle in my mouth?
Audrey: An uncontested divorce.

Jennifer: Hey.
Jeff: Pretty bold robbing us in broad daylight.
Jennifer: It's for dinner at our place Saturday night.
Jeff: Oh, well, looking forward to it. It should be fun.
[Door closes]
Jeff: God that's gonna suck. How did you let that happen?

Adam: I proposed because I love her.
Russell: It's so gay.
Adam: Being in love with a woman is gay?
Russell: No, but saying it out loud to another guy is.

Audrey: He has this whole other side that is cultured and kind and sensitive but he won't show it to you cause he's afraid you'll make fun of him
Russell: Thank you, I'm a dead man.
Audrey: No. No you are not. Jeff, please tell him you're not gonna tease him.
Jeff: Oh I'd only do that so that he'd see it coming a little less.

[first lines]
Jeff: Hey.
Audrey: Hey! Oh good, you're home. Listen, I was talking to some people...
Jeff: Oh, wow wow wow! I... just walked in the door, if we're gonna talk I gotta get a can of listening juice.

Jeff: There, now the check book is totally balanced-ish.

Adam: What are you doing in my office?
Russell: Aah, I'm just checking some e-mail. My computer crashed.
Adam: How much porn did you download?
Russell: All of it? Oh crap, there's Jennifer. Better get this porn off your computer.
Adam: I thought you were checking e-mail.
Russell: Don't be stupid.

[last lines]
Timmy: Here's your phone sir.
Russell: Aahaa.
[Looks in the bag]
Russell: Oooh. They didn't have in red?
[Timmy sighs, takes the bag back and starts to walk away]
Russell: Timmy, come here!
Timmy: Yes sir?
Russell: [Hands him a coffee cup] Don't forget your bathroom!

Jeff: When you've been together as long as Audrey and I have it's okay to have separate interests. For instance, she loves going to the theater and I hate it.
Audrey: Hating the theater is not an interest. An interest is something you enjoy
Jeff: I enjoy hating the theater.

Jeff: Where's Adam?
Audrey: Oh, we ran into one of his exes and they took off together.
Jeff: That kid is a special kind of stupid.

Jeff: She wanted to get a cat. I didn't want to get a cat. So we compromised and... got a cat.

Jeff: Let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one who breaks the peace we have made here today.
Adam: Why is he looking at me?
Jeff: The Godfather?
Adam: Oh... No, never saw it.
Jeff: You've never seen The Godfather?
Audrey: Oh, here we go.
Adam: No, my parents were hippies... They didn't want me to see anything too violent.
Jeff: Then close your eyes cause I'm gonna punch you in the face.

Russell: Where have you been? It's 3 minutes till curtain.
Audrey: I know, I'm sorry. I had to blow Jeff off and it took longer than I expected.
Russell: What did you think? The guy isn't 18 anymore.
Audrey: Blow him off, As in not go to the boat show with him.
Russell: Hah, you know, I thought...
Audrey: Yeah I know what you thought.

Jeff: Don't try to run with the big boy. I've been married for twelve years. You basically threw a ring at a stranger.

[last lines]
Russell: [faking a Southern accent] Well from your description, I'd say you could have a declavamacated hip... but I would be remiss if I did not conduct a more thorough examination in my office, which at this point in time is room 703.
Adam: Hey buddy, there you are, I made it!
Russell: [faking a Southern accent] Excuse me, kind stranger, I'm with a patient.
Adam: Uh, but Russell...
Russell: [faking a Southern accent] I said, I said go away boy, you're bothering me!

Jeff: On Audrey turning his t-shirts into a quilt: You took a bunch of man things and turned it into one big girl thing!

Brad: Hey, if you're interested me and some pals are getting together at a sports bar to watch the first play-off game, you're welcome to join.
Jeff: Sports and bar, my two favorite words.
Audrey: You still have wife on that list?
Jeff: Right between re-fill and bacon.

[first lines]
Audrey: I'm glad you guys finally introduced us to Ethiopian food.
Jeff: And now that I've met Ethiopian food, it's time to say goodbye for ever. It feels like it's gonna be a long goodbye.
Audrey: I'm rethinking opening this door.

Adam: You know, I've never been to a boat show. What do you do there?
Jeff: You look at boats.
Jennifer: You really didn't see that one coming?

[first lines]
Jennifer: Timmy, it's fantastic.
Adam: Oh yeah, Timmy this is like the coolest wedding website I've ever seen. And I've seen four!

Audrey: Hot tub? Jeff, you know those are bad for your sperm.
Jeff: Nice meal time topic, Audrey.
Adam: Yeah, Audrey, it's kind of gross. So what's up with your sperm?
Jeff: I think you're making Jennifer uncomfortable.
Jennifer: Well, what's going on down there? I mean are your guys weak or is it failure to launch?
Jeff: I don't want to talk about my junk.
Audrey: It's not a big deal. They're our friends. We had a fertility test a while back and Jeff's boys were a little slow.
Jennifer: I didn't even know you guys were trying.
Audrey: Well, we're trying to be trying. The doctor gave Jeff a list of things he should do like wearing loose underwear, taking supplements and staying out of hot tubs.
Jeff: Yeah, and I've been doing most of that. I just fell off the wagon a little bit.
Audrey: What's a little bit?
Jeff: I may have forgotten to refill the supplements and when I play softball I wear tighty whiteys.
Audrey: God, Are you kidding?
Jeff: I tried wearing boxers but when I ran it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants.

Adam: I get two Birthday Deals. Suck on that, Jeff.

Adam: Stupid, stupid future!

Jeff: Marriages that don't end in divorce end in death.

[Audrey walks in the apartment to find Jeff smelling his shoe]
Audrey: Just once, could I come home and catch you looking at porn like a normal guy?

Jeff: If I die, are you gonna get remarried?
Audrey: Yeah, maybe.
Jeff: Do me a favor, cremate me and throw my ashes in his face.

Russell: When you're single, you're exactly as happy as you are. When You're marries, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the relationship.

[Jeff and Audrey at the doctor's office to do a fertility test]
Jeff: Ok. Great. So, how much do you need?
Doctor: Excuse me?
Audrey: He's just a little nervous. Honey, you just do your thing once and they will take what they need.
Jeff: Oh, ok. So, can we have your office for about 10 minutes? Doc?
Audrey: Jeff!
Doctor: Actually, we have a private room in which you can produce the sample.
Jeff: By myself?
Audrey: Yes. The moment you've been practicing for all these years.
Jeff: She's just kidding. I don't...
Doctor: It's fine.
Jeff: Ok, I do.
Doctor: In the room you will find an assortment of visual aids.
Jeff: Sex magazines?
Doctor: Yes
Jeff: Nice. Where are they stashed?
Doctor: They're right there in plain view.
Jeff: Very nice.
[Later, Jeff in the private room, Reading a playpen magazine]
Jeff: Wow. Interview with Brett Favre.

Adam: Stupid, stupid future!

[the waiter places Jeff's plate in front of him]
Jeff: There's a special place in Hell for you.

[first lines]
Russell: Timmy!
Timmy: Yes sir, I have your lunch right here!
Russell: Where's my lunch?
Timmy: It-it-it's here, right here sir, I'm just assembling it!
Russell: Daddy's tum-tum needs a sam-sam!
Timmy: It's coming!
Russell: Yeah!
[Timmy punches the sandwich]
Russell: Sooner! Lunch, lunch, lunch!
Timmy: Honestly sir, it just won't, won't be a minute!
Russell: Lunch, lunch, lunch!
Timmy: Won't be a second, sir, won't be... on my way!
Russell: Blablabla! Where is it? My lunch! Where is it?
Timmy: [Depositing the tray in front of Russell] Your lunch sir.

Russell: I do what I want. I date who I want... And I sleep with who... ever will let me.

Adam: How about tennis?
Jeff: What are we, 17 year old Russian girls?
Adam: No, tennis is manlier than golf
Jeff: Oh please, a golf ball could kill you, a tennis ball couldn't.
Adam: It could if you choked on it.
Jeff: What are you doing with a tennis ball in your mouth?
Adam: Touche.
Jeff: Here, I got a putter for you. Try not to choke on it.

Jeff: $85 for skin cream?
Audrey: This stuff is amazing. This is it.
[pulls out the tiniest little jar of skin cream]
Jeff: $85 for that tiny jar? What's in it, $80?

Timmy: There is no cure for what you've got!

Jeff: I've got to take this. Yeah, it's important. Jimmer, thanks for getting back to me so quickly.
Audrey: Jimmer? That's important?
Jeff: Guess what part of me is faster than a speeding bullet.
Audrey: Come on, Jeff. We...
Jeff: No. No. Bingo!

Audrey: Apple pie for breakfast?
Jeff: Here's my thinking on that. You'd be fine if I ordered apple danish which is basically flat apple pie.
Audrey: Good use of your brain.

[last lines]
Audrey: So when are we gonna tell them that we found the bowl at our place?
Jeff: Oh when it stops being fun.
Audrey: [laughs] It is fun.

[last lines]
Audrey: Is something wrong?
Jeff: Oh, god I hope not.

[last lines]
Jeff: Amazing, huh? Thank god I recorded it.
Audrey: It's unbelievable . Now I get why you guys like to watch things over and over even though you already know the outcome.
Jeff: I don't think I'll ever get tired of this.
[On TV, Adam vomits on Jennifer's lap]

[first lines]
Jeff: I love these rolling suitcases, it's like I'm walking a dog that's filled with my underpants.

[first lines]
[the alarm rings, Jeff his the snooze button]
Jeff: Huh, ten more minutes, nice!

Audrey: Hey, how did you do in your game?
Jeff: Very good, 3 hits, 4 hotdogs, 5 beers.

Adam: I'm gettin' one, and Jennifer wants one too. Nothing is off limits.
Jeff: [Chuckles] You're playing with fire.
Adam: [Shrugs nonchalantly, laughing it off] How so?
Jeff: I didn't get a birthday deal until I'd been married for six years and our relationship was stable. You've known Jennifer for what, twenty minutes? Do you really think you're ready to hear Jennifer's wildest, craziest fantasy?
Adam: Yeah! The crazier, the better.
Jeff: Really? Aren't you worried she'll want something so disturbing you won't be able to look at her when you're having brunch with your parents?
Adam: Come on... I mean, how weird can it be?
Jeff: Well, apparently nothing's off limits. By the way, whose idea was that?
Adam: Hers.
Jeff: Like I said, you're swimming with sharks.
Adam: You said I was playing with fire.
Jeff: You are... and the sharks don't like it.

[last lines]
Jerry: [on TV] In the interest of living my life from here forward in an honest and truthful way, I would like to say, on the record, that I am gay. I am a gay American.
Jeff: Oh my god Audrey get in here! Baldman's gay!

Audrey: Wow. You are the ass beneath my wings.