Top 300 Quotes From The Orville
Dr. Claire Finn: Ty, go back to your room.
Ty: But I want to watch Marcus get yelled at.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: The Big Dipper is not there; I'm kind of useless.
Lt. John LaMarr: Hey, ah, Steve, you think we could change the music? Something less depressing.
Steve: You got to get cultured, my friend. Barry Manilow was an under-appreciated genius of his time
Lt. John LaMarr: Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
Yaphit: I gotta say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: That was good.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Thanks. I plagiarized it from like nine different things.
Isaac: Captain, it seems we have encountered a dictatorial theocracy.
Captain: Great, those are always fun.
Dr. Claire Finn: You did good, Talla. Really good.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You had big shoes to fill, and I'm not kiddin'. And as far as I'm concerned, you filled them and then some. So, from here on out, you're officially allowed to punch me.
Lt. Talla Keyali: [laughs] Thank you, sir.
Yaphit: [after Dr. Finn has turned down his date request] Well, looks like it's another night with just me and the toothpaste.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: We will share the sexual event another night.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [after she caught Ed spying on her and Cassius] Are you kidding me?
Cassius: What?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: What do you mean "What"? "We've all been there"? That's your response?
Cassius: I don't know. Haven't you ever done a drive-by?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No. Have you?
Cassius: Well... I might've, once or twice.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: My god. Every man in the galaxy is a psychopath.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I dunno John, I think you look good in skinny jeans.
Lt. John LaMarr: If I wanted to scratch my balls right now, I'd have to reach in my back pocket.
Kelly: I have an idea.
Ed: What is it?
Kelly: Let's give him the device.
Ed: What?
Kelly: Dr. Aronov, can you preset the field to fire up at a specific intensity the moment the Krill activate it?
Dr. Aronov: I think so, but why?
Kelly: And the field can accelerate time a hundred years. Correct?
Dr. Aronov: Yes, it can.
Kelly: About how long it takes a redwood to grow.
[Ed remembers the redwood seed Dr. Aronov gave him earlier]
[last lines]
Lieutenant: Klyden, come.
Klyden: It is a female.
Lieutenant: That is impossible.
Lt. Talla Keyali: [analyzing Dr. Finn's relationship with Isaac] You know, there is one upside here: he doesn't eat.
Dr. Claire Finn: How is that an upside?
Lt. Talla Keyali: Every time I'm in a relationship, I gain weight. It's just all about food.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: That's true. Like, 90% of a relationship is going, "What should we eat?"
Lt. Talla Keyali: You go out, you eat, you drink, you come home, you eat more, you drink more...
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Ed and I gained 40 pounds combined when we were married.
Lt. Talla Keyali: That's why I always try to break up with guys by summer.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: God, we were fat.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Death is an essential part of life. It's a noble right of passage.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh my God - you found a rectangle! Good lord, well, should I sound the red alert now?
Kemka: Many people refuse to accept an irrefutable truth simply because that truth puts them in the wrong.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: It is not so impressive.
Ed: All right, Commander, you win. We'll send you the device by remote shuttle. When you receive it, we'll transmit the activation code.
Krill: Do not take long.
Ed: We won't.
Gordon: [about Kelly] Maybe she's not such a bitch.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: You can bang that chick on your kitchen sink for all I care.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I don't ever do it near the food, you know that.
Kaylon: You will always be alone.
Teleya: You will find him in the center of Capitol Square. At least his head.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You killed him?
Teleya: Most men who lose their heads tend to die, yes.
Isaac: I have noticed that many other families on the Orville include two parents. Where is your counterpart?
Dr. Claire Finn: I don't have a husband.
Isaac: Was he destroyed?
Dr. Claire Finn: No.
Isaac: Did you grow to despise each other and terminate your coupling?
Dr. Claire Finn: I chose to be a single mother. I always wanted kids, but never found a man I wanted to have them with.
Isaac: Ah. Artificial impregnation.
Dr. Claire Finn: You're getting a tad personal, don't you think?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: The right thing is to protect him; he's a Union officer - do your job!
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm not going to let our last meal be a Twinkie.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [after Ed caught her and Darulio in bed again] Lower your voice and calm down, okay? I can explain.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, am I yelling? Am I yelling? Are you worried people are gonna hear
[raising his voice]
Capt. Ed Mercer: that you banged Darulio again
[lowering his voice]
Capt. Ed Mercer: when you were supposed to be in the shuttle bay preventing a war from starting? Are you insane?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Look, I thought we talked about this, okay? We can both see whoever we want, isn't that what we agreed?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, come on. You're not gonna pretend that that is not completely out of bounds?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I like him, Ed, okay? I can't help it. And guess what, I have the right to like whoever I want.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I can't believe they knew about Mr. Potato Head.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah, we are going to get fired.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Sorry, I was in the pee corner.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: My daughter is... fortunate to be... alive. They planned to... murder her. Members of THIS Union... planned to kill... my child.
[turns to the Moclan ambassador]
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: You are liars. And you are butchers! And you must ANSWER FOR YOUR CRIMES!
Lt. Talla Keyali: You wanna re-pay me? Here's how: When you see me in the corridor, walk the other way.
Klyden: I do not understand.
Lt. Talla Keyali: Locar didn't hurt you. He didn't hurt anyone. All he wanted was love. And yet because of you, his life is over. For no reason except your own prejudice. So as far as I am concerned, you can go straight to Hell.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Are you going to be okay?
Ildis: Alara took care of it.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: She always does.
Capt. Ed Mercer: If we are not willing to stand up for the values that this Union was founded on... what exactly are we defending?
John: Hey, what's up?
Gordon: Hey, man, come on in.
John: Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
Gordon: Translation, you want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
John: Something like that.
Gordon: Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
John: Okay, well so am I, so this is gonna work out great.
Admiral: Exactly what did you navigator do down there?
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm told he... dry-humped a statue.
Admiral: My God - what kind of ship are you running out there, Captain?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Look, Admiral, he's an impulsive guy, yeah, but he's fantastic at his job.
Admiral: Part of his job is to maintain a low profile when observation lesser-developed alien cultures.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I, I know that, and I promise it will not happen again; I will personally order him... not to hump things.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Have you guys done it yet?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Have we done it? Are you allowed to use that phrase after the age of twelve?
Darulio: Look, Ed... can I call you Ed? I... we've never actually met.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, you were screwing my wife at the time, so I guess we all kind of just forgot our manners.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Oh, for god's sakes, don't make this worse.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Why are you sitting like that?
Lt. John LaMarr: It's these friggin' jeans. If I lean back right now I'd give myself a vasectomy.
Capt. Ed Mercer: This is already the worst apology ever.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Alara, open a hailing channel. Attention Krill ship, this is the U.S.S...
Lt. Alara Kitan: Ah, I haven't done it yet.
[cutting Ed off]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, sorry.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Okay, you're on.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Now?
Lt. Alara Kitan: Yeah.
Capt. Ed Mercer: All right.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You called it a "gloryhole"; nobody else called it a gloryhole.
Ed: So, what are you doing on a Union ship?
Isaac: Your fleet's admiralty offered a posting to any Kaylon willing to take it. As an effort to initiate relations between Kaylon and the Union, we accepted. I was chosen to represent my planet. I see it as an ideal opportunity to study human behavior.
Ed: Well, we'll, uh... we'll try not to bore you.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: There are days when I would rather confront a fleet of Krill battle cruisers than parent a child.
Gordon: I've never been to the Epsilon Science Station. What's it like?
Bortus: Epsilon 2 is an outpost devoted exclusively to scientific inquiry.
Ed: Researchers from all over the galaxy petition to work there.
Gordon: Really? Wow. Any good bars?
Bortus: I will investigate.
Ed: No, Bortus, you don't have to investigate that.
Bortus: I have already obtained the information.
Ed: Oh.
Bortus: Shall I withhold it?
Ed: No, you can tell us.
Bortus: There are no bars.
Gordon: How about strip clubs?
Ed: Gordon.
Gordon: Sorry.
Bortus: There are no strip clubs.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: What's this thing?
Ensign: It's called a jiktal. It's a razor for facial grooming.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: You still have to shave in the afterlife? That sucks.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Look at her, Topa; she is not so different from you or I.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [during a battle with the Krill] Somebody put that out!
Capt. Ed Mercer: What happened to automatic fire suppression?
Lt. Alara Kitan: That's the panel that caught fire.
Isaac: Explain dick.
Isaac: You asked to be subjected to a variety of frightening situations, so I designed a program based on inquiries conducted with the crew, in order to select a number of baseline phobias with which to populate the program.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: The simulation began in the corridor, right before you saw the clown.
Lt. Alara Kitan: But how did you...
[realizing]
Lt. Alara Kitan: A memory wipe.
Dr. Claire Finn: If you knew you were in a simulation, the fear wouldn't be real. So you needed a short-term memory wipe to erase any knowledge of the request. It's a risky procedure, but you told me it was essential for the protection of classified security material. I ought to write you up for lying to a medical officer.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Wait, so who's afraid of clowns?
Lt. John LaMarr: That's me.
Lt. Alara Kitan: You really are afraid of clowns?
Lt. John LaMarr: Yes. Please stop saying the "C" word.
[first lines]
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Okay, let's hear it. How did you dump him? Everyone wants to know.
Lt. Alara Kitan: There's nothing juicy to tell. I just told him that if he couldn't get comfortable with our differences, then there was no point dragging this out.
Lt. John LaMarr: And by "differences", you mean the fact that you could bench press him with one arm.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Apparently, having a girlfriend with ten times your physical strength makes a guy feel emasculated.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I am going to go now and bang my head against a wall.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Dude, we're vampire hunters.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Lets go!
Lieutenant: White dude can go to Compton, as long as a black guy says it's cool.
Alara: I have no idea what that means, but yes.
Ed: All right, Lieutenant Alara Kitan, our chief of security.
Alara: Yes, sir.
Ed: You're Xelayan, right?
Alara: I am, sir.
Gordon: Wait. Don't you guys have, like, super strength?
Alara: Xelaya's gravitational pull is high compared to the planetary average, so, yes, in Earth normal gravity, my physical strength is elevated.
Ed: Lieutenant, how old are you?
Alara: 23.
Ed: You're 23, and you're chief of security on a starship?
Alara: Xelayans don't usually join the military, so when one of us does, the Union generally fast-tracks us.
Ed: Well, I'm... I'm sure they know what they're doing.
Isaac: Hello, Commander. I apologize for disturbing you.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No, it's fine. What's up?
Isaac: It is my understanding that a visit to a crew member's quarters during off-duty hours can invite speculation regarding intent. If you wish, I will send a ship-wide communique assuring the crew that this was not a romantic or sexual encounter.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I... I would just not say anything, it's all good. What can I do for you?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I have no reason to doubt his seed is fertile.
Locar: It is very uneventful.
[Claire is giving Alara some advice on command]
Dr. Claire Finn: Command is all about the balance between inspiring confidence in your leadership and knowing when to trust your people. You got scared out there today. Scared that they didn't respect you, so you ignored Isaac's advice in order to appear in control. Now the question is, did you learn from this error? I'm willing to bet that you did.
Alara: Will you help me?
Dr. Claire Finn: I'm not gonna whisper the right answers in your ear, but I'll try to be your Obi-Wan however I can.
Alara: My what?
Dr. Claire Finn: Never mind.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [after Ed speaks to Admiral Ozawa] Why didn't you tell her?
Capt. Ed Mercer: You helped out a kid, that's all. And cultural contamination of a society that undeveloped is a serious charge. I just don't want to have to come visit you in prison.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Really? You wouldn't want to visit a women's prison?
Capt. Ed Mercer: You're right. I'll call her back.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Take us in.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Entering Haunted House.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I guess I just wanted to hear myself say it out loud.
Admiral: Ed, calm down and be professional about this.
Ed: Oh, please, there is nothing at all professional about this situation. Okay, this is my ex-wife, who I have not seen since my divorce a year ago after I walked in on her banging a Retepsian.
Admiral: I know this isn't ideal, but she's the only qualified XO available. And the staff profile compatibility program indicated your skill sets complement hers.
Ed: Oh, it did? See if your compatibility program can get blue out of a white lampshade.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Well, welcome back handsome.
Kelly: Don't start handing out penises yet, Captain Vorak.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Apparently, the atmosphere of the Krill homeworld is permanently shrouded by a dense cloud cover that obscures 96% of the sunlight from the planet's surface. A world existing in perpetual night.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: No wonder they're so cranky all the time.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Admiral, what do you want us to do?
Admiral: You're to rendezvous with the Krill vessel Davoro'kos in 12 hours at Tarazed Three.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: The Davoro'kos.
Admiral: Yes. It means "Bringer of Blood".
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, that's cool.
First: [Grabs Ed's hand] Stop. Your hands are soft. I like soft hands.
[to Kelly]
First: Do you use this one for mating?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No. I mean... I don't.
First: I would mate with this one. Would you lend him to me for the evening?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: He's not mine to lend.
First: Well then. No one will object if I take him.
Dr. Claire Finn: Yes, we all would. Men are not commodities, they have rights.
First: I do not understand. Either he is yours to lend or not. If you have no claim to him, I will exert one. He will attend to me this evening.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: That is not how it works here.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I'll do it.
Warden: You know, you have my pity.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Your wife has mine.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Listen, I just wanted to say, I'm sorry. It's not easy to have to put duty before friendship - especially when someone dies.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Orrin died a long time ago, back in that Krill prison. The man who died in that shuttle was somebody else.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: What is the problem?
Lt. Alara Kitan: Gordon has a crush on the new cartographer.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I don't have a crush, for god's sake.
Lt. Alara Kitan: [mouthing] He does.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I just wanna know what her deal is, you know? And I thought maybe I would see if she wanted to go to Bortus' Ja'loja party.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Well, then ask her.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Well, how do you think I should do that? "Hey, I'm Gordon. You like to pee"?
Dr. Claire Finn: Clichés become clichéd precisely because they're valid enough to bare endless repetition.
Dr. Claire Finn: [a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson's 'Nature' essay, 1836] If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the city of god...
Isaac: I am fascinated by the interpersonal behavior of biological organisms. I would be happy to attempt sexual relations with you, lieutenant.
Lt. Alara Kitan: I'm actually just sort of working on myself right now. But thanks.
Isaac: My planet regards humans and other biological life forms as inferior.
Ed: Oh, that's great, thanks.
Isaac: You are welcome.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Or that. That works, too.
Capt. Ed Mercer: On behalf of the Planetary Union, welcome to the galaxy.
Advocate: A life of isolation, in the wilderness, cut off from society. This is your shining example?
Heveena: The blackest abyss is a pock in the flesh when one has gazed in solitude upon the infinity of self.
Advocate: You dare to bastardize the words of Gondus Elden to serve your own purposes? If he were here, he would spit on you for that!
Heveena: Would he? Why don't you ask him?
[the Moclan council gasps in disbelief]
Advocate: No. I do not believe it!
Capt. Ed Mercer: You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me. And despite all of your claims that you still care about me, not once have you even said, "I'm sorry".
Pria: It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Hi, What's your name?
[His voice gentle and soft, as if in awe]
Anaya: Anaya.
Capt. Ed Mercer: That's a pretty name.
Anaya: What's yours?
Anaya: Ed.
Anaya: That's a funny name.
[She giggles and continues]
Anaya: You look funny.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Thanks.
[He smiles and laughs gently with her]
Capt. Ed Mercer: I get that a lot.
Lysella: Everybody deserves a voice, that's what we're taught.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: A voice should be earned not given away.
Klyden: I would have been an outcast. Do not pretend otherwise!
Bortus: Or perhaps you would have achieved glory, for guiding Santa Claus on Christmas Eve!
Isaac: We are currently analyzing the scans of the quantum wake.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: And there's no explanation for the dead plants?
Lt. John LaMarr: We're cross-referencing the bioscans of the plants with what we know about the anomaly, which, right now, isn't much.
Capt. Ed Mercer: They've been watered, right? Like, do we have a... a plant guy?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Palovis. He's the lizard-looking guy in the science section.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Is that his name? God, I can never remember that guy's name. I-I see him coming in the hall, and he's always like "Hey, good morning, Captain", and I'm always like "Hey, there he is."
Lt. Gordon Malloy: It looks more like egg nog.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Your failure speaks for itself.
[to Klyden over his bad golfing, in a deleted scene]
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [after passing through the spatial anomaly] Damage report.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Multiple hull fractures, nine overloaded power conduits, and Ensign Davis spilled soy sauce on his pants.
Capt. Ed Mercer: He put that in a damage report?
Lt. Alara Kitan: Yes.
Capt. Ed Mercer: My god, we got to get better people.
John: Hey, he just left his baby with two drunk dudes.
Gordon: Reminds me of my dad.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh, man, pee corner is looking real good right now.
Lt. John LaMarr: Real quick, I just wanna say: all you all can suck ass. and I'm a spaceman.
Capt. Ed Mercer: So, um... what do Mochlans do for fun off-duty? Do you guys play, like, board games or anything like that?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: There is a popular Mochlan game called Latchkum that we play from time to time.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, well, break it out. Show me.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I do not believe you would enjoy it. It is not for humans.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Come on. You know what? There's so much I don't know about your culture. I-I want to... I want to learn.
Klyden: [a few moments later] I will pass the Latchkum to you, then you pass it to whomever you wish as quckly as possible.
Capt. Ed Mercer: All right.
[they take turns passing it back and forth]
Capt. Ed Mercer: So, what, does this just go on until somebody...
[a sharp spike protrudes from the Latchkum and impales his hand]
Capt. Ed Mercer: AHHH!
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus,32345: Latchkum!
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: This ends here and now.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: What do you intend to do?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: We're Giliacs - born criminals, violent reprobates. And the way I see it, we're within first contact protocol if we're exactly who they want us to be.
Isaac: Ah, you are home. It is about time.
Dr. Claire Finn: Isaac? What are you doing?
Isaac: I am awaiting my dinner. This has caused me to become displeased.
Dr. Claire Finn: You don't eat. And what the hell are you wearing? Is that underwear?
Isaac: Affirmative.
Dr. Claire Finn: I thought we were going out tonight. I was looking forward to trying that butter cake at Mooska's.
Isaac: The last thing you need is more dessert.
Dr. Claire Finn: Excuse me?
Isaac: As I am incapable of stuttering, I must conclude that you heard me.
Dr. Claire Finn: Okay, you're going to tell me what's going on right now, beginning with an apology for what you just said.
Isaac: I am sorry you are upset. Perhaps you are on your period.
Dr. Claire Finn: Get out. Right now.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You should have called me; we could have thrown up together.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Next time.
Teleya: Scotch and Popcorn, the perfect pairing.
Alara: Oh, Claire. I have bad news.
Dr. Claire Finn: What's wrong?
Alara: You're the ranking officer, which means you have command. Enjoy!
Dr. Claire Finn: Son of a bitch.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Lieutenant, have you ever studied the history of money?
Lt. John LaMarr: No, not really. I know people used to use it to buy houses and sandwiches and stuff.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Exactly. It became obsolete with the invention of matter synthesis. Predominant currency became reputation.
Lt. John LaMarr: Yeah, so?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: My point it: human ambition didn't vanish. The only thing that changed is how we quantify wealth. People still want to be rich, only now being rich means being the best at what you do.
Lt. John LaMarr: Not everybody wants that. Some people like to keep it simple. Some people like to go to work, go home, drink a beer and pass out.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Are you one of those people?
Lt. John LaMarr: I am very fond of drinking beer and passing out, yes.
Captain: So, it's an anti-banana ray
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson (Palicki,: It's really interesting
Captain: We need no longer fear the banana
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson (Palicki,: Does it work on all fruit?
Captain: What about salads?
Minister: Make a life out there with Nathius - a beautiful life among the stars.
Altox: All the days we'll never have.
Minister: Your heart is full of the days we did. That's what you take with you.
Advocate: Captain Mercer, tell me about your penis.
Ed: Ah, did I miss a segue of some kind here?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [commenting on Laura's singing] I still can't believe how good you are.
Laura: Tell it to my landlord.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: No, seriously, I think if the right person heard you, you'd be a huge success.
Laura: But I don't even have to be a huge success. I just want to be rich enough to be unhappy but not enough to be miserable.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Fair enough.
Laura: No, more important than that, I just think it would be nice to be remembered for something. You know? I mean, we all live and die on this planet, and... most of us are just forgotten. To me, there's nothing sadder about the world than that.
Isaac: Your commands have little to no effect on their behavior. Perhaps you should re-evaluate your method of controlling them.
Dr. Claire Finn: Just what I need. Parenting tips from a talking hubcap.
Isaac: You harbor prejudice against artificial lifeforms.
Dr. Claire Finn: Only against lifeforms that think they're better than everyone else.
Isaac: I *am* better than everyone else.
Dr. Claire Finn: Oh, and so modest.
Isaac: It was not intended as a boast, merely a statement of fact. My only directive is to study human behavior in the interest of relations between Kaylon and the Union.
Dr. Claire Finn: You want to improve relations? Don't tell a mother how to raise her kids.
Simulated: Welcome to The Cove of Pleasure. Our only wish is to bring you ecstasy.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [Ed and Kelly both shocked] Wow.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [Alara is trying to mediate between the Navarians and Bruidians] What's going on?
Lt. Alara Kitan: They went from zero to furious in two seconds.
Teleya: Praise Avis, his eyes are finally open.
Isaac: [comes into the saloon through the double swinging doors] This town will not accommodate the numerical totality of our combined mass.
Krill: We will not stop you. But, do not expect up to save you.
Dr. Claire Finn: Isaac, do you think I'm a bad parent?
Isaac: Yes.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [Reading Kelly and Alara the riot act] You're supposed to be setting an example and here you are ransacking a room? What, did you read her diary, too?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No, we couldn't find it.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Isaac, you have a date?
Isaac: Yes.
Dann: Oh, wow. Sweet emotion.
Isaac: I am seeking advice.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Well, I mean, what I would normally do is...
Isaac: I'd prefer to hear from Commander Lamarr.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Uh, well, who's the lucky lady? Or fella?... Or o-object?
Capt. Ed Mercer: We rescued this woman. Wha... What do you think, she crashed her own ship just so she could come here and do free laundry?
Dr. Claire Finn: You both saw it.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Saw it. Felt it. Almost got swallowed up by it.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Doctor, these things cannot possibly be real. Is there a chance we're dealing with some kind of... collective insanity? A... a brain virus of some sort? Could somebody have put peyote in the food synthesizers? Maybe we're all just really stoned.
Cassius: Look, he's hurt. It sucks. We all can relate to it. He acted rashly, but I think it's okay for us to be understanding.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Do you always have to do that?
Cassius: Do what?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Be so... evolved.
Cassius: I just don't understand why you're upset with me.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Honestly? Because your high road attitude is making me feel like I'm overreacting, when I know for a fact that I am right.
Cassius: Do you want me to be jealous?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No! I mean... I don't know. Yeah. Yes. Maybe a little.
Cassius: I don't see how that's productive.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [referring to a jammed door] Talla, you want to open this jar of pickles?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: It's okay dude, Everyone does it sometimes. I went to town on myself this morning. It's why I look so relaxed right now.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [She makes a disgusted face] God, this whole ship is gross.
Lt. John LaMarr: Look, Yaphit, I-I'm really sorry about what happened earlier. You know, we were just messing around. You know, it was a joke.
Yaphit: A joke? I spent an hour in Bortus' colon! You think that's funny?
[Ty and Marcus laugh]
Yaphit: Oh, yeah, laugh it up, you brats.
Lt. Talla Keyali: Bortus, you wanna piece of cake?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Yes. But I do not want that piece.
Lt. Talla Keyali: What's wrong with it?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I want a corner piece.
Lt. Talla Keyali: You're kidding?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I am not. Please cut me a corner piece.
Lt. Talla Keyali: Because you want a flower?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Yes.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [of Laura] People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. She reached across four centuries and got a guy to fall in love. We should all be so rare.
Ed: Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me?
[Alara nods, backs up and, with great force, knocks down a section of the wall]
Ed: I loosened it for you.
Yaphit: Just put it anywhere, guy, you don't have to find my G-spot.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: I swear to God I'm never looking at porn again.
Dann: Hi, I'm Dann.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Go away.
Yaphit: I want to know why you guys put John in charge of the science team instead of me.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Commander Grayson and I both feel that Lieutenant LaMarr deserves to be in the running for chief engineer.
Yaphit: What? You gotta be kidding me. What the hell has that son of a bitch ever done to deserve...
Capt. Ed Mercer: No final decisions have been made, and I am aware that you're next in line for the job, but we have our reasons for considering him.
Yaphit: It's 'cause I'm gelatinous, isn't it? You guys can't handle the thought of a gelatinous person in charge of a department.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yaphit, that's not it.
Yaphit: This is so racist, man. You're so friggin' racist.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I am not. I have several gelatinous friends.
Yaphit: This is a bunch of crap, man. This is total crap. Permission to return to duty.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Granted.
Yaphit: [stopping at the door] You know what? There was less crap in Bortus' colon.
Admiral: [over transmission] You're not to return to the surface before then. That's an order.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: But, Admiral, maybe we could convince them...
Admiral: That's an order.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [after a brief pause, pulling faces, mocking voice] That's an order.
Admiral: What?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh my God, I'm sorry! I thought you hung up. I'm so- Oh, God. I'm so sorry, please. Admiral, have mercy, please, thank you. Okay. Bye.
[ends transmission]
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: How many times have you done this?
Pria: When we get to my century, I'll introduce you to Amelia Earhart.
Dr. Aronov: This is Janice Lee, one of our most brilliant young physicists.
Dr. Claire Finn: [shaking hands] Hello.
Janice: Hi.
Dr. Aronov: Janice has been experimenting with temporal fields and has made... well, a breakthrough would be an understatement.
[Janice sets a banana on the table, then taps on her hand-held pad; an electric bubble covers the banana, and it rapidly rots]
Ed: So, it's an anti-banana ray?
Kelly: It's really interesting.
Ed: We need no longer fear the banana.
Kelly: Does it work on all fruit?
Ed: What about salads?
Dr. Aronov: Do you understand what happened to this banana? It's rotten because a month has passed.
Ed: Since we got here? Yeah, that's what it feels like.
Isaac: [after they Kaylon have shown up] Those are my wedding guest.
Capt. Ed Mercer,19548: What?
[at the same time]
Capt. Ed Mercer,19548: Isaac!
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Did you invite the whole planet?
Isaac: Affirmative.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [In an annoyed tone] Dr. Finn, please report to the bridge. Talla, please alert Union Central so nobody scans the region and panics.
Lt. Cmdr. Talla Keyali: Aye, Sir.
[repeated line]
Captain: Alara, you want to open this jar of pickles for me?
Isaac: Lieutenant, if I may make an observation: you seem ill-fitted to perform your assigned duties.
Lt. John LaMarr: Yeah, that's what I tried to tell Commander Grayson.
Isaac: Then why did she place you in command?
Lt. John LaMarr: She says it's 'cause I'm smart.
Isaac: I would be happy to inform her that you are not.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Ed, there are families down there.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I know.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: They's probably a lot single people, too.
Lt. Tharl: Bam - takin' a tube to Tummy Town.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Um... I just wanted to be the one to tell you... I'm seeing Janel Tyler.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I know.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [surprised] What?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Come on, really? I see the way you smile when she walks onto the bridge. I know your smiles. You have 15. Three are for happiness, 11 are passive-aggressive, and one is for being in love. I've seen it before, you know.
Capt. Ed Mercer: What are you, Jane Goodall?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Yeah, and you're the primate.
Lt. John LaMarr: Maybe there's a Bustin' Jeeber walkin' around somewhere...
Capt. Ed Mercer: Man, I hope I'm up to this.
Heveena: [upon hearing Dolly Parton's "9 to 5"] Who is she?
Capt. Ed Mercer: That's... Dolly Parton.
Heveena: She speaks with the might of a hundred soldiers!
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah, I guess she does.
Heveena: This is the voice of our revolution!
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, you know, there's actually a whole bunch of...
Heveena: No! It is she!
Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay then. Go Dolly.
Heveena: Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [as the ship takes fire] Sir, what if we tried an expanding helix maneuver?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Never heard of it.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: That's because I just made it up!
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Do it!
Ed: [escaping a Krill attack] Doc, is there another way out of here?
Dr. Aronov: There's an old loading conduit, but it's across the atrium.
Dr. Claire Finn: We're gonna have to sprint for it.
Ed: All right, get ready.
Kelly: Doc, stay behind Alara.
Dr. Aronov: Which one's Alara?
Alara: [stepping forward] Oh, I'm Alara.
Dr. Aronov: Sorry. Still learning names.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: [Discussing Claire & Isaac's impending date] A human and an artificial life-form are incompatible. It will not succeed.
Lt. Talla Keyali: How do you know? They could just be two people in love.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, it's not as simple as that. The guy has limitations. I mean, even in the best-case scenario, he's still-
[Isaac enters the room]
Capt. Ed Mercer: -my father, and he'll never be a weightlifter no matter how much his heart is in it.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: The presence of friends and relatives is as important for the Renewal as it is for a Ja'loja.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: How long does this usually take? I mean, like, what's the gist?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: When we arrive on the planet's surface, Klyden and I will disrobe. Once we are fully bare, thus unified with our natural surroundings as we were at birth, Klyden will flee into the forest. Shortly after, I will follow in pursuit. If I catch him, we will share the Sexual Event there among the trees. Our mating vows are thus formally renewed and sanctified in the eyes of Moclan tradition.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I dare all of you not to cry.
Isaac: Doctor, are your children always this combative?
Dr. Claire Finn: Only when they're awake.
Isaac: The older, less intelligent one seems to derive pleasure from inflicting damage upon his younger, weaker sibling.
Dr. Claire Finn: He's a kid. They act up.
Ty: Ow!
Dr. Claire Finn: Oh, my god. If I have to come back there one more time, I will lose my mind. Knock it off!
Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay, now I know this is going to sound utterly insane to most of you, and your first instinct will be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing. Now... Kelly?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: We're diverting course to Moclus to... watch Bortus pee.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: You wanna... you wanna elaborate on that?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, God, that is a lot better than Bortus' poo drink.
Lt. Talla Keyali: [after Gordon issues his invitation to the holo-deck] Do you think he's working too hard?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Gordon? Never.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You know what the worst days are, Olix? The days when you can't stay busy. No... Krill confrontations, no spatial anomalies, just nothing going on. And all your thoughts just march inward.
Olix: So, most days.
Lt. Alara Kitan: [approaching] Hey. You mind if I join you?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Alara. No, pull up a chair. I can use an extra liver.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Xelayans don't have livers.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: It is customary to respond with a fitting passage of literature from ones own planet.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I'm a survivor. I'm not gon' give up. I'm not gon' stop. I'm gon' work harder.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Those are words of great power, who wrote them?
Captain: I think it was actually about 15 different people.
Dr. Claire Finn: Bortus. What can I do for you?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I am experiencing digestive discomfort.
Dr. Claire Finn: With your iron stomach? Okay. Have a seat.
[scanning him]
Dr. Claire Finn: Um, Yaphit?
Yaphit: Yeah?
Dr. Claire Finn: I think I found your piece.
Yaphit: Wh... what do you mean?
Dr. Claire Finn: Inside Bortus' digestive tract.
Yaphit: What? What the hell, man? You friggin' ate me?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I did not eat you.
Yaphit: Well, what the hell am I doing inside you, you bastard?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Every mature person has to make peace with the fact they used to be dumber.
[Bortus is noisily chewing on something]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Bortus, what're you eating?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I apologize, Captain. Am I disturbing you?
Capt. Ed Mercer: No, I'm just curious.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: It is called gum. According to the ship's database, it was once used as an addiction recovery aid.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Is it helping?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: It is not.
Capt. Ed Mercer: The universe is not governed by individual perception; it matters what's true.
Dr. Claire Finn: LAMARR!
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Hey, what's up, doc? What are you doing down here?
Dr. Claire Finn: You and I need to have a chat.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Uh, about what?
Dr. Claire Finn: My soon-to-be husband is very impressionable. I assumed someone as smart as you would have deduced that by observation, but apparently not.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Oh.
Dr. Claire Finn: Yeah! And it's not the first time it's happened. If you recall, I had to see Isaac in ratty underwear because of more "guidance" you gave him.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Right, but I didn't tell him to put that on...
Dr. Claire Finn: Uhh! Not interested. If you ever again give Isaac a single tidbit of personal advice, even if it's about what cologne to use, I will come down here and I will eat your little punk ass for breakfast with a glass of grapefruit juice, you got me?
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: I - yep, I got you.
Dr. Claire Finn: Good.
[leaves]
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: [to his staff] The hell you all looking at?
Ed: Dude, you have been a colossal dick all day - shut the hell up.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Captain, I would like to submit my official resignation.
Capt. Ed Mercer: What?
Lt. Alara Kitan: I am neither fit nor qualified to be chief of security aboard the Orville or any other starship.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Look, I understand you're feeling guilty about the whole...
Lt. Alara Kitan: Lieutenant Payne died because I was too afraid to do my job.
Capt. Ed Mercer: No, he died because in a crisis situation, things happen that you can't control. Payne knew the risks of this uniform, just like the rest of us.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Captain, I could've moved that bulkhead with one arm. But I didn't. Because I was scared. Harrison is dead because I was scared.
Capt. Ed Mercer: People seem to think that being brave means not being afraid. The way I see it, if you're not afraid, there's nothing to be brave about.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Tell that to Harrison's parents.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: What if it's, like, a windy day?
Dr. Claire Finn: [after Isaac's knowledge of her is making their date difficult] Let's flip the tables here.
[Isaac flips their table over onto the floor]
Dr. Claire Finn: That's not what I meant.
Isaac: Reset table.
[Simulation table reappears]
Lt. Gordon Malloy: See? Avis; I told you I wasn't makin' that up.
Isaac: I am afraid we cannot end the simulation at this time.
Dr. Claire Finn: Isaac, look at her bio-signs. Her adrenaline levels are through the roof.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Isaac, shut it down, now!
Isaac: I am sorry, Captain. I do not have the authority to do so. Lieutenant Kitan has exercised directive 38 in the execution of this program.
Capt. Ed Mercer: No bare feet in the engineering section? What does that have to do...
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No, 38.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, 38. Wait a minute, she exercised directive 38 for this?
Dr. Claire Finn: What does that mean?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: It's an extreme crisis-only regulation that allows the chief of security on board a starship the ability to override all other clearance. Including the captain's.
Dr. Claire Finn: What in God's name for?
Capt. Ed Mercer: In the rare case that the captain has been compromised in some way; alien influence, extreme drunkenness, that kind of thing. If they use it and they're wrong, it's a career-ender. And it's definitely not meant to be used for something like this.
Capt. Ed Mercer: And truthfully I'd really just like to date somebody's who's not a Krill.
Dr. Claire Finn: Two-dimensional life forms? How is that possible?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Is there any way we can communicate with them?
Isaac: Negative. Our modes of existence are incompatible.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Then get every bit of scanning data you can. Union physicists will be writing papers about this for decades.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Well, if we can't talk to them, at least we can watch.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Wait, so, does that mean that there could be fourth- or fifth-dimensional people watching us right now?
Isaac: It is possible.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: But do you think... I mean, they wouldn't, like... watch us all the time, right?
Isaac: I do not know.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I mean, do you think, like, could they see under a blanket, or... in the s-sleeve of a down coat?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Gordon, I don't know what you're driving at, but I'm gonna go ahead and change the subject.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [to Kelly, regarding his date with her] You know, I remember having a really great time with you that night. And then when you basically ghosted me, I-I thought it was the end of the world. Turns out, I was right.
Klyden: Bortus, I wish that you would remove that thing.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: What thing?
Klyden: The strip of hair above your lip.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: The mustache; why?
Klyden: Because it is foolish looking and people are staring at us.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: They are not. And if they are, it is with admiration.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Vampire clown.
Lt. John LaMarr: Shut up!
Dr. Claire Finn: [seeing a portrait in Yaphit's quarters] And what is this? Is this you and your mom?
Yaphit: Kind of. My species reproduces by mitosis. That used to be my mom, but now it's me and my brother. He got the looks, obviously.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: This isn't gonna work.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You mean us.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: None of this should have happened. You defied an admiral's orders to protect me, and it sent our science officer into a 700-year exile. You and I, together... it jeopardizes your command. It jeopardizes the smooth operation of this ship, and it jeopardizes our friendship. It can't happen.
Capt. Ed Mercer: When I'm really honest with myself, I know that you're right. But that doesn't change the way I feel.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I know. But for now, those are feelings we need to forget.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [reading excerpts from the Anhkana] Oh, god, their literature is gruesome. It's like a Bret Easton Ellis novel.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [to Teleya] I liked you better when you were using contractions.
Dr. Claire Finn: Isaac. I would very much like to go out with you.
Isaac: Out? Into space?
Teleya: If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Defect of my species. We never give up hope. Just do me a favor, okay? Take a message back to your people: We can keep fighting each other, or we can talk.
Calivon: What brings you all the way out here, besides the fact we have the widest variety of species on exhibit anywhere in the sector?
Isaac: There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.
Calivon: If you're going to try and sell me that Xelayan female, I already have one.
Isaac: She is not for sale. She is... my pet.
Alara: Woof.
Capt. Ed Mercer: All weapons are to be kept on stun. We want the clown alive.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Captain?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I think it's only prudent to caution everyone to watch out for pies.
Capt. Ed Mercer: At this point, anything is possible. So, yes... pies, seltzer bottles, balloon animals... be alert.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay then. Go Dolly.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [Piloting a Krill shuttle and attacking the Kaylon] All right, buddy. Time to wash your mouth out with Gordon!
Ed: I want eggs now.
Capt. Ed Mercer: What, um What was it you said that made her walk out?
Cassius: Oh well, I was actually defending you and she said I was being too evolved. And I told her to calm down.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Ooooo, you didn't say calm down?
Cassius: I did.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Ooooo.
Alara: [explosion outside shuttle] Oh my god, they're under attack!
Kelly: Alara, those are testing zones.
Alara: What are you talking about?
Ed: Malcas's primary industry is weapons manufacturing, so they're a little fast and loose with their research and development.
John: They test explosives wherever the hell they want.
Gordon: [another explosion] Oh, frack!
Dr. Claire Finn: It's a lot harder to hate from up close.
Isaac: The captain does not appear to be pleased at the arrival of his first officer. Why is this?
Gordon: 'Cause she's a total bitch.
Alara: Do you know her?
Gordon: Oh, yeah. They were married.
Alara: No way.
Gordon: She cheated on him.
John: Aw, damn, that's cold.
Gordon: Yeah, so this should be a really fun trip for all of us.
Isaac: Your description of the occurrence indicates unpleasantness, yet you believe it will be fun.
Gordon: I was being sarcastic. It's gonna suck.
Isaac: Suck?
Gordon: Yeah, suck. You know, like, ass, balls.
Alara: What he means is if you don't already drink, you should probably start.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Now entering gloryhole.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Alara, you invoked directive 38 to prevent us from shutting down the program when it got too hot in there. I ought to court-martial you on this very spot for the position you put us in. We were really worrried about you.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Captain, I am so sorry. I mean, I don't... I don't remember it, but still, I'm sorry.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm letting it slide because no one got hurt. And also because you owned every crisis Isaac threw at you.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Every insane situation you were up against, you handled like a first-rate officer.
Capt. Ed Mercer: There should be no doubt in your mind that you are capable of doing your job.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Captain, there's a large central structure just to the north of here.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Let's go.
[cut to them entering the building, where they find a large statue of Kelly]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, yeah, we're in a lot of trouble.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing like there is with the divorce?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yep, I knew it had to be something like that.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Do you still have the tooth?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: No. It is given to the next mate.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Let me guess: he eats it.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: That is correct.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yes! Man, I'm getting so good at this.
Isaac: [the bridge crew is trying to find out what happened on the date between Isaac and Dr. Finn] What information do you require?
Lt. Talla Keyali: Did you have fun? Were there sparks?
Isaac: Sparks?
Lt. Talla Keyali: Yeah.
Isaac: Negative. There was no equipment malfunction.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well you don't have to brag about it.
Dr. Claire Finn: the young always dismiss the old; it's a way of pushing away the truth.
Captain: What do you want?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Your course is about to take your directly into the path of a spatial anomaly we discovered. We recommend you change your heading immediately.
Captain: Ga'rov ka'lougah!
[phonetic spelling]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Anybody speak Horbalak?
Isaac: Thee direct translation is: "You can shove it up your - "
Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay, got it, got it.
Isaac: Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
Capt. Ed Mercer: No, no, I-I get the gist. Listen - what's your name?
[to the Horbalak captain]
Captain: Blavvahrahg.
[phonetic spelling]
Lt. Gordon Malloy: God that generation has so many Blavvahrahgs.
[phonetic spelling]
Capt. Ed Mercer: And then Isaac cut the guy's leg off, so... mistakes on all sides, I think.
Admiral: And if this was horror film, I would say, Don't go into the house.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: You can bang a Krill, but I can't date a sales rep. at Macy's?
Lt. John LaMarr: Hobo clowns are the most dangerous because they're hungry.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm sorry. We had no choice.
Teleya: Where are the children?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Arrangements have been made to return them to their families on Krill.
Teleya: And what about me?
Capt. Ed Mercer: I don't know. But I can promise you that you won't be harmed.
Teleya: You will forgive me if I have difficulty believing that from the man who just killed my crew.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Our mission was in the interest of peace. But your crew was going to murder 100,000 people. What the hell else could I have done?
Teleya: Why did you save the children?
Capt. Ed Mercer: They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.
Teleya: After what they saw you do today... they will be. They will be.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Who would need such a large cup?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I am feeling very self conscious. May I leave?
Isaac: [the Orville is under attack] Deflectors at half power.
Gordon: Sir, I think I can buy us some time 'till we can get the landing party back. Let me wing it here?
Bortus: Proceed.
Gordon: This is something I call "hugging the donkey".
John: You can hug the donkey?
Gordon: Dude, I've been hugging the donkey since flight school.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Run every red light.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Yes, sir.
Isaac: Lieutenant LaMarr's quantum bubble has allowed us to maintain a stable third dimension outside of two-dimensional space.
Lt. Alara Kitan: What are all those energy pulses?
Isaac: I have no experience processing this kind of data, but I believe we may be looking at a two-dimensional civilization.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [observing Xelayah] You know, it's places like this that make me realize... God, I'm trash. My family's trash.
Timmis: Their absolute power led our masters to become cruel, sadistic. In many cases it led them to hate us for our helplessness.
Ensign: I don't understand.
Doctor: It's a common dynamic in slavery. The master finds the slave's helplessness repulsive, even though he's the cause of it.
Ed: Alright, he's got a gun. We have something better.
Kelly: What?
Ed: Seatbelts.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Kelly! Kelly, wait! Hey, listen - I don't want to play the blame game here.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: That's because you're the one to blame.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Look, we all made mistakes.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Nobody made mistakes but you.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Let's not do the "I told you so" thing.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I told you so numerous times.
Admiral: Now, the Orville has a nearly-full crew complement. Her previous captain retired this month. But she's still short a helmsman and a first officer. We're waiting for an XO to become available.
Ed: Well, you know, I can get you the best helmsman in the fleet.
Admiral: You mean... Lieutenant Malloy. I'm aware you two are friends.
Ed: Look, I... I know Gordon has his issues, but we all know there's nobody who can drive a starship like him.
Admiral: Didn't he once draw a penis on the main viewing screen of outpost T85?
Ed: He's drawn a lot of penises on a lot of things, but, Admiral, if you were caught in an ion storm, who would you want at the helm?
Capt. Ed Mercer: What the hell just happened?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I have no idea. Maybe we hit a squirrel or something.
Isaac: There is no evidence of any sciuromorpha rodentia, or other mid-sized rodent.
Bortus: What is 'Ding ding'?
Lt. Janel Tyler: Can I ask our course heading?
Capt. Ed Mercer: We're on our way to watch our second officer go to the bathroom.
Ed: All right, Commander. You have it.
Krill: Excellent. Now, give me the activation code.
Ed: The code is six, alpha, nine, three, seven, alpha, three, zero, zero. Happy Arbor Day.
[when the device is activated, the Krill ship is destroyed by a growing redwood]
Gordon: Wait. What's Arbor Day?
Ed: It's the holiday where you plant the trees.
John: I wouldn't have gotten that.
Gordon: Oh, yeah. No, I didn't get that, either.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Every moment that I sit in that chair on the bridge, I'm always wondering, "Do I deserve this? I mean, should this be someone else?" And that's something I can never vocalize to any other member of the crew because they would lose confidence. I mean, I can talk to Kelly, but... that's been a little complicated lately. I count on you, man.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Dude, you can always count on me. That's never gonna change. You're my best friend. Nobody's ever gonna come along and mess it up. I swear. I mean, maybe, like, a really hot girl, but other than that, it's rock-solid.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I just think if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas it would feel better. You know?
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: You undetstand this isn't a Porsche, right? This is a quantum-drive engine that makes a thousand trillion calculations every milli second.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yeah, I know that.
[Mercer and the Krill ambassador have signed a peace treaty]
Capt. Ed Mercer: I hope that this marks the beginning of a new era of nonviolence between our two peoples.
Ambassador K.T.Z.: We will see. A peace is only as strong as those who uphold it.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: And, of course, trust is earned.
Ambassador K.T.Z.: We agree on that, Commander.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: So, Captain Lavesque, where are you from orginally?
Pria: Ah, I was born on Earth. Massachusetts, actually.
Capt. Ed Mercer: No kidding? I'm from Massachusetts.
Pria: Really? What part?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Little town called Boxford.
Pria: I'm from Andover!
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh my god, we were neighbors!
Pria: Did you ever go to the Salem Witch Museum as a kid?
Capt. Ed Mercer: My mother took me when I was ten. It scared the crap out of me.
Pria: That holographic recreation of the Giles Corey interrogation?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yes! Where they kept piling the rocks on top of him to get him to confess? And he was going: MORE WEIGHT!
Pria: MORE WEIGHT!
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Sir, you are aware that Mochlans urinate only once per year.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I am, yeah.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: It is... my time.
Olix: Well, you wanted something to do.
Cassius: We still doing dinner tonight?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: You bet. And there's something I want to ask you.
Cassius: What?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [coyly evasive] I'll tell you at dinner.
Cassius: Oh, no, no. Come on, you can't do that.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: It'll keep you in suspense.
Cassius: Just tell me.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: If you're charming enough tonight.
Cassius: I'm always charming.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Good. Then you'll get to hear it.
[the crew and Dr. Sherman are examining the content of Laura's cell phone]
Dr. Sherman: Look at this. She's clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device. But instead of writing "wireless telecommunications facility", she just wrote "WTF". Now, we can decode things like this by applying historical context.
Yaphit: [giving Dr. Finn a bouquet of flowers] Dr. Claire Finn, these are for you.
Dr. Claire Finn: Yaphit, I'm extremely busy.
Yaphit: Look, I'm gonna go for broke. I'm here to ask you out to dinner, and I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
Dr. Claire Finn: Then we have a problem, because "no" is the only answer I have for you.
Dr. Claire Finn: Do you understand why you are here?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Because the captain has ordered it.
Dr. Claire Finn: Technically, yes, but do you know why the captain has ordered you to attend couples counseling?
Klyden: So I do not stab Bortus again?
Dr. Claire Finn: That is one of our goals, yes.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Hi, we're the fashion police and these outfits have got to go.
Gordon: So, how many ships in the fleet these days?
Ed: About 3,000, spread over the whole quadrant. Which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually not...
[seeing Gordon taking a swig of something]
Ed: What is that? Is that a beer?
Gordon: Yeah.
Ed: You're drinking a beer?
Gordon: Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, want to make a good impression.
Ed: It's 9:15 in the morning.
Ensign: [SPOILER:]
[her last words]
Ensign: I'm here, Amanda.
Dr. Claire Finn: Captain. Do you ever sit in your quarters and look out the window? Do you ever stop and watch the darkness out there? It's very, very dark in space. Look so empty. But there are terrors lurking all around us in the infinite shadows. You can't see them, but they are there.
Admiral: I have good news. There's a ship available. It's a mid-level craft. The USS Orville. It's not exactly a heavy cruiser, but it is an exploratory vessel. And we're offering you command.
Ed: You're kidding.
Admiral: Honestly, we would have offered you a command earlier, but you haven't really inspired anyone with all that much confidence this past year.
Ed: [taking something off the desk as he talks] I know. I ha... I've had some personal stuff that's been going on. It's not really worth getting into. Can I have one of these mints?
Admiral: Those are marbles.
[having already put it in his mouth, Ed spits it back into the bowl]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes 'I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.' My God! Thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me Permission to be in pain!
Lt. Alara Kitan: Open your stupid ears and listen: All I ever needed to hear from you was "You can do it". That's all. Just once. And-and maybe it would have been a lie, but I needed that, dad. I really needed it. And you know who said it to me instead? Captain Mercer, Commander Grayson, and everyone on the Orville. But not my own father.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh, crap.
Capt. Ed Mercer: What? What's "oh, crap"?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Quantum drive is off-line.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Oh, crap.
Capt. Ed Mercer: As soon as the surge is initiated, meet met at the rendezvous point. Mercer out.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [taking a few steps] Malloy to Mercer.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Mercer here. What is it, Gordon?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Sorry. What's the rendezvous point again?
Capt. Ed Mercer: For god's sake, the bridge, Gordon. We meet on the bridge.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh, right, yeah. Got it. Sorry. Brain fart.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: [on Lt. Malloy's intention to take the command test] He will fail.
Dr. Claire Finn: Captain, let me see that shoulder. Does it hurt?
Ed: Yeah, it hurts like hell.
Kelly: That means it's not that bad.
Ed: What are you talking about, Kelly? I literally just said it hurts like hell.
Kelly: When he's really in pain, he gives straight answers with no cussing. He's just hoping you give him drugs.
Ed: That's a bunch of crap, Kelly. I'm in real pain here. I... why, do you have drugs?
Yaphit: I think I lost a piece.
Dr. Claire Finn: Uh, excuse me?
Yaphit: I feel like I'm missing a piece, and I can't for the life of me figure out where i lost it.
Dr. Claire Finn: Well, okay. Hop up on the table, let's have a look.
[scanning him]
Dr. Claire Finn: I'm not quite sure how to ask this, but when your species loses a piece of tissue, is it conscious?
Yaphit: Kind of. I have a dim sense of a dark, wet place. I-I just can't get any more specific than that.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Should we tell them their God is a twentieth-century car rental company?
Dr. Claire Finn: I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of my kids. They're everything to me.
Isaac: I thank you for the opportunity to observe them. It was quite informative.
Dr. Claire Finn: The boys adore you. I don't know why or how you managed to keep them in line, but... I'm sure as hell glad you did.
Lt. Alara Kitan: If you want to be alone, I could take off.
Capt. Ed Mercer: No, no. You're all good.
Lt. Alara Kitan: It's just, um, I see you in here a lot lately, you know, after-hours.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, my god. Don't tell me the crew is talking.
Lt. Alara Kitan: No! No, nothing like that. It's just... look, I know it's none of my business, but if you ever need an ear, I've got two big, pointy ones.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, that's nice of you, but there's nothing I can tell you the whole crew doesn't already know.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Believe me, I get it. I'm used to people talking about my love life.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on this ship.
Lt. Alara Kitan: How so?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, we both know we're good at our jobs. And yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.
Laura: [in her message to the future] Hey, what's up, future people? Hi. I'm Laura Huggins. And, uh, if you're seeing this, you found my phone. So, I'm from Saratoga Springs, New York, and some people in my town had this idea to make a time capsule. And I thought this was a really cool thing to do, and I was trying to think of what I could put in there that would show the future something about who I am. And since I just got the new iPhone, I thought, instead of sticking my old one in a drawer somewhere, I'd put it in the capsule. So, here I am. Here you are. And, since I'm probably long dead by now, you can read all my texts and e-mails and look at all my pictures and decide whether you think I was, I don't know... cool or... a bitch or whatever. Anyway, I hope you guys have, like, flying cars or something by now, and if you do, I'm super jealous. And I'm really sorry I'm not there to hang with you guys. Um, but, hey - have fun getting to know who I was.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Nice to meet you, Laura.
Dr. Claire Finn: I'm hungry. Will somebody get me a pizza?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: What kind of pizza?
Capt. Ed Mercer: She's not getting a pizza.
Cassius: Hey.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Hi.
Cassius: How you doing?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [they kiss] Mm. Better than you, apparently. Man, those kids are rough.
Cassius: Yeah, I've seen a lot worse. You know, I expect it from James, but I'm a little concerned Marcus is getting caught up in it. He's a good kid.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Well, he has a great mom, and a really great teacher.
Cassius: Mm.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: So I'm not too worried.
Isaac: Your children are unruly, disrespectful, volatile, and highly unpredictable. I am quite fond of them.
Dr. Claire Finn: Welcome to the family.
John: So, I heard you've been out of commission for a minute.
Gordon: Well, not out of commission, but, uh, definitely kept on desk duty.
John: Well, what'd you do? I mean, your piloting skills are kind of legendary. How'd you get suspended?
Gordon: I let my cousin shoot a porno in the back of a shuttle in exchange for some pills.
John: W-wait. No. R-really?
Gordon: [laughs] Man, look at your face. No, no, no. I did a... I did a manual override on a tricky shuttle docking and sheared off a cargo bay door. Yeah, nobody was hurt, but 300 crates of authentic autumn squash were sucked into space.
John: Well, that's a lot of damn squash.
Gordon: Yeah. I was trying to impress a girl.
Dr. Claire Finn: [quotes William Byron Emerson] If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the city of god...
Capt. Ed Mercer: Hey, Bortus, pull up a chair.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I do not wish to imbibe, sir. I am here to request that we alter course.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Alter course? To where?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Moclus.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. This is... this is not another baby thing, is it?
Isaac: Perhaps she fears you are not sexually adequate.
Capt. Ed Mercer: They've been watered right? Like do we have a plant guy?
Bortus: Well done, Lieutenant.
Gordon: Sir, since I pulled that off, can I please wear shorts to work?
Bortus: I've already said no.
Kelly: We have Monopoly, you can be The Car.
Ed: Oh Kel, I'm always The Car.
Kelly: Yes, but maybe this once, since he's our guest.
Ed: You can be The Thimble
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [while flying a Krill space fighter] Just a walk in the park, Kazansky!
[Lt. Malloy is flying the two in a shuttle. They are soon boarding the Orville for the first time]
Lt. Gordon Malloy: So, how many ships in the fleet these days?
Captain: About 3000, spread over the whole quadrant. Which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually... what is that? Is that a beer?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yeah.
Captain: You're drinking a beer?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, I wanna make a good impression.
Captain: It's 9:15 in the morning.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You guys will not get me into a discussion of time travel logic; I'd rather chew broken glass.
Ed: Dr. Claire Finn. You're my chief medical officer, yes?
Dr. Claire Finn: Yes, sir, I am. Welcome aboard.
Ed: Your credentials are exceptional. Molecular surgery, DNA engineering, psychiatry. You could be posted on a heavy cruiser. What are you doing on the Orville?
Dr. Claire Finn: I always request my transfers based on where I think I'm needed. I feel more stimulated that way.
Ed: So what made your request this ship?
Dr. Claire Finn: Well, this is your first command, and I think you could use my help.
Ed: So you think I might screw up.
Dr. Claire Finn: No, sir, I didn't say that, sir.
Ed: Well, no, but you implied that you don't think I have the balls to do this job.
Dr. Claire Finn: Well, I am your doctor, sir, and if your balls are under par, I'll know.
Capt. Ed Mercer: What, are we in a Jane Austen novel?
Darulio: I come from a culture where it is Rude to turn down sex.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [after Ed has made a good suggestion] You've been useful, sober man. You may go now.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [after the sandwich has reappeared suddenly] I Knew I was gonna be happy to see it!
Bortus: Christmas would have been ruined if Rudolph had been euthanized at birth, as his father wished.
Ed: [seeing the Orville] Is that it? It's not bad, right?
Gordon: No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe, like, a rainbow unicorn, you got something.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Is this who we are now?
Alara: Eggs?
Ed: That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs. Which I never knew.
John: Well, where does it come out of? The butt?
Ed: You know, John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.
John: How is that not the first thing you ask?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Hi, Isaac.
Isaac: I wish to become intimate with you. If you are unoccupied, may we go on a date, followed by sexual conjugation?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Pretty good, how are you?
[She replies stunned]
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Watch this.
[she crosses her eyes asymmetrically]
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: You see it? I can cross one eye at a time.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: So what?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Ed taught me how to do that. It is a characteristic of Kelly Grayson that exists only because of my relationship with him. No Ed, no eye trick.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: That's a hell of a romantic legacy.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Now imagine the reverse. If someone went and deleted Ed from my life.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: No Captain's chair, no... Orville.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: For any of us. Humans are social animals. When we're born, we're a blank slate. And over the course of our lives, we expand and grow as a result of external stimuli
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Pretty dry philosophy.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Sounds it, but it's not. Every single one of us is shaped by the totality of our relationships. People we love and people we hate, all make their mark. Whether we like it or not, it's who we are; it's reality. You can't just pick and choose which parts of your past you want to change and be able to know how it's all gonna turn out.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Ambassador, the Moclans and the Krill can't stop the Kaylon alone and you know it. Moclus would be destroyed. But that little planet inside the nebula might just be insignificant enough to fly under the radar. And if that happens, the only Moclans left in the galaxy would be female. But hey, you'd still be a single-sex species.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I think it's only prudent at this time to advise everyone to be on the lookout for pies
Dr. Claire Finn: Goals change. Things become more beautifully complicated. And so we have to stop every so often and re-assess: What is it you really want?
Ed: Dr. Aronov, this is Captain Ed Mercer. We're about to start sending down your supplies.
Dr. Aronov: Actually, Captain, we... we don't need any supplies.
Ed: I... I don't understand. You requested these supplies yourself, yeah?
Dr. Aronov: I did. I'm sorry. I... I wouldn't have lied unless I had to. Please, come down to the surface. I will explain everything.
Kelly: [the transmission ends] This is really strange.
Ed: Yeah, it's a great way to start things off. Bortus, you have the conn. Lieutenant, you're with us.
John: [Ed, Kelly, and Alara leave] Did you see that dog in the background licking his balls?
Gordon: First thing I saw.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Can we just have one conversation where you don't attack my choice to join the Fleet? Please?
Ildis: We just want what's best for you, and we feel the military is beneath you. It's what any parent would say to their child.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Any parent on Xelayah. You do realize that there are planets where a military career is a very honorable thing. The humans view it with great respect.
Ildis: [dismissively] Well, yes, the humans. The hillbillies of the galaxy.
Lt. John LaMarr: I think we could create a stable quantum bubble inside the shuttle and preserve three dimensional space.
Dr. Claire Finn: So the outside would be squashed but the inside wouldn't.
Capt. Ed Mercer: More space inside then out. Like Dr. Who's phone booth.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Or Oscar the Grouch's can.
Lt. John LaMarr: Or Snoopy's dog house. Yeah.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yaphit, what are you doing here?
Yaphit: I have a grievance.
Capt. Ed Mercer: How'd you get into my office?
Yaphit: I'm gel.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: One Twinkie.
[the food synthesizer creates a Twinkie]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Really?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: What?
Capt. Ed Mercer: We almost got killed gettin' this thing and you're having a Twinkie?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I wanted a Twinkie. You want half?
Capt. Ed Mercer: *Yes* I want half.
[first lines]
Captain: Come in.
Bortus: Good day, Captain.
Captain: Bortus, how are you ?
Bortus: I apologise for intruding upon your work.
Captain: No, no, it's fine.
Bortus: What is... that?
Captain: That is, ah, Kermit the Frog.
Bortus: I do not recognise the species.
Captain: It's... an amphibious lifeform, from Earth.
Bortus: Is it someone you know?
Captain: No no, he's just... a leader... I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people, He's... So! What can I do for you?
Krill: Give me the device, human, or I will destroy your ship.
Ed: Sorry, can you... can you move, like, two steps to your right?
Krill: What?
Ed: Just like a little, t-tiny bit... it's just a lot of dead space there, just...
[the Krill captain steps to his right]
Ed: Yeah, just right th... perfect. Yeah, sorry. You were just very weirdly framed. It was all I could focus on.
Willks: I'm your publicity officer. I'm here to help guide you through your apology tour.
Lt. John LaMarr: Okay, wait. Now I'm really lost. What the hell is that?
Willks: You-you don't know what an apology tour is? John, they happen every day. How can you not be aware...
Lt. John LaMarr: Let's say I'm not aware, okay? Let's say, right, I'm the dumbest sonofabitch you've ever met. Now with that in mind, why don't you explain my situation to me?
Willks: Okay: you performed a disrespectful act on a statue commemorating frontier hero Mella Giffenden. It was caught on video and uploaded to the Master Feed. You received over one million downvotes from the public, which makes what you did a crime against the state. You will now begin an apology tour during which the people will vote on whether or not they believe your sincerity. If your downvotes remain under ten million, you'll be free to go.
Lt. John LaMarr: [breaks out laughing after a beat] W-w-wait. All that crap you just said: that-that's real? You gotta be kidding me.
Willks: That's how the justice system works, which I think you know.
Lt. John LaMarr: Okay, wait. So, uh, what happens if they don't believe me?
Willks: You will undergo social correction to prevent future transgressions.
Lt. John LaMarr: What's that, "social correction?"
Willks: You will receive a series of neurological treatments to pacify any and all potentially negative impulses.
Lt. John LaMarr: Okay, now I ain't laughing.
Isaac: Are we... bonding?
Isaac: On my planet, when a program is not functioning properly, it is deleted.
Dr. Claire Finn: That's always an option.
Isaac: If you wish, I will vaporize them.
Dr. Claire Finn: No! For god's sake, I'm kidding.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I will not allow you inside me!
Marcus: We got out of school early because of the bumps. You want to go to the simulator and play some Space Dragons?
Isaac: I am currently occupied.
Ty: What are you doing?
Isaac: I am preparing to run a scan on the section of the Orville that came into contact with the anomaly.
Marcus: Can we help?
Isaac: No. You are small and feeble. And you do not possess the necessary intelligence.
Lt. John LaMarr: Wow. Why don't you just give 'em wedgies and stuff 'em in a locker while you're at it?
Lt. Tharl: Yeah, my last captain had a total boner for me. Not a boner boner, a professional boner.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh wise and powerful Avis, cover the loss of our vehicle.
[Gorden is flying through the crevices of an ice moon]
Capt. Ed Mercer: You ever flown inside one of these?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Nope.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Should I be worried?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yup.
Ed: You knew what Arbor Day was, right?
Kelly: I mean, actually, I had to think a second. Kind of confusing.
Ed: Nobody knows what Arbor Day is.
Bortus: No.
Alara: No.
Dr. Aronov: I knew.
Ed: Well, what would you have said?
Kelly: I would have said... "You got wood."
Gordon: [the crew laughs] Yeah. Yes.
Ed: Yeah, that is better, isn't it?
Gordon: Whoa. Hey.
Kelly: Hi, there.
Gordon: I was just on my way to the john.
Kelly: Well, I'm... I'm glad I bumped into you. Do you have a second?
Gordon: Sure. I can hold it.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Looks like you're an uptown girl now.
[She looks at him quizzingly and he explains]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Billy Joel.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh, man, I bet this causes cancer.
Steve: Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the Heimlich maneuver after I accidentally swalled a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was Payne because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case anyone was planning on getting mad at me.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I don't need you to explain - you're a sexual jihadist!
Capt. Ed Mercer: Isaac, analysis of that star cluster.
Isaac: An OB association, approximately two million years old. 78 blue giant stars, along with several dozen F, G, and K stars in later stages of evolution.
Ensign: Reminds me of Vegas.
Admiral: Any life signs?
Isaac: I am detecting 347 habitable planets, but so far, no indications of intelligent life.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Wow, it really is Vegas.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [listening to "As Time Goes By" on an old-school record player] How long you had that thing?
Olix: I had the computer replicate it last week. I'm trying to warm the place up a little bit, you know? Get a... nice vibe going.
Capt. Ed Mercer: The "late-night jazz, depressed guy at the bar" vibe? I can help you with that.
Klyden: You have had enough injections.
Hamelac: Again, where are your friends.
Commander: Well, the last time I saw them, one was banging your mom and the other was high-fiveing him.
Dr. Claire Finn: [after an argument with Marcus] Nobody told me it would be this bad.
Isaac: Is there a reason your son has become uncharacteristically combative?
Dr. Claire Finn: Isaac, I have no idea. I never raised a teenager before, and I don't have a clue as to how to get to him. It's like he hates me for no reason.
Isaac: Have you examined him for unidentified viruses or neurological disease?
Dr. Claire Finn: No, of course not.
Isaac: If he is carrying a biological foreign agent that could infect the rest of the crew...
Dr. Claire Finn: No, Isaac, he's... he's not sick. He's just... growing up, and I can't stop it.
Isaac: Are there not chemical compounds that could effectively stunt his physical development?
Dr. Claire Finn: My gosh, what's the matter with you?
Isaac: I am merely trying to assist.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Oh, my god. I forgot what a terrible cook you are.
Capt. Ed Mercer: It's awful, isn't it?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [laughing] Yeah.
Capt. Ed Mercer: It's terrible. See, you know, I was afraid of that, and I didn't want to use snythesized food tonight, so I made a backup.
[retrieving two plates]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Peanut butter and jelly is impossible to screw up.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: What are we, twelve?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yes, we're twelve. And afterward, I'm gonna pull your hair and call you fat, and that's how you'll know I like you.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Is this what you want?
Capt. Ed Mercer: So basically all this guy's done is steal some pens from the office. What are we missing?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [with John, dressed in colonial outfits and carrying antique pistols] Oh, hey. We have the simulator at 3:00. How much longer are you guys gonna be?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Just give us a minute, okay?
Lt. John LaMarr: Oh, yeah. No, it's fine.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [they turn to leave] Yeah. Why even have reservations?
Admiral: You and your helmsman are gonna take that shuttle across the border and infiltrate a Krill vessel. You're going to obtain a copy of the Anhkana.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Admiral, there has to be someone with more undercover experience.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [insulted] Oh. Thanks.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: What? You want to risk death on a Krill ship?
Capt. Ed Mercer: No, but you also don't have to make me look bad with company over.
Lt. John LaMarr: Is the Captain mad?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Well, he's more mad at me.
Lt. John LaMarr: Oh, good.
Ed: You know, I've done a pretty good job getting over all this in the past year, and I'm over it, so why don't you tell me what the hell you're doing here?
Kelly: I heard about your promotion. I also heard there was no XO available, and you know how the fleet admirals are. They don't like to see a captain on his own for too long. And I figured I'd wronged you so badly that if there was something good I could do for you, it'd help me atone in some way. So I requested a transfer. I literally bailed on my own crewmates to come here.
Ed: Well, you bailed on a whole marriage, so I imagine that was a piece of cake for you, huh?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Was it a circus clown or a hobo clown or what?
Lt. Alara Kitan: What's the difference?
Lt. John LaMarr: Hobo clowns are the most dangerous because they're hungry.
Bortus: Moclans only urinate once per year.
Ed: Really? That's... I mean I'm up two or three times a night.
Bortus: That is unfortunate.
Ed: It is.
Yaphit: [after Kelly reports Dr. Finn's disappearance] Did she say Claire's missing?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah. How soon can you guys be done here?
Steve: Sir, we're still at least two days away from finishing the upgrade.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, it's gonna have to wait. John, report to the bridge, set a course for Dr. Finn's last known coordinates.
Lt. John LaMarr: Uh, well, how am I supposed to do that? You see that pile of crap on the floor? That's our navigational array.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, you're just gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way. Star charts.
Lt. John LaMarr: [sarcastic, under his breath] Oh, great.
Yaphit: Do not get us lost, man.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: What a dick.
Capt. Ed Mercer: He's a glorified Speak & Spell; screw him.
[learning Bortus' digestive system allows him to eat essentially anything]
Lt. John LaMarr: Oh, this is gonna be fun. This is...
Lt. Alara Kitan: Ew!
Lt. John LaMarr: This is gonna be a new fun thing.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Hang on. I'm gonna go find a bag of nails.
Isaac: Has the Captain entered Mr. Darulio in some fashion?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Not yet.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: We are, without a doubt, the weirdest ship in the fleet.
Capt. Ed Mercer: We were just on our way to get our chin-horns waxed.
Yaphit: Hey, Doc.
Dr. Claire Finn: [to herself] Oh, god. The last person I want to see right now.
[the senior officers are discussing inexplicable event that have been occurring on the Orville]
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Wait. Isaac, what about the plasma storm? Is it possible that it affected us or the ship in some way?
Isaac: How so, Commander?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I'm not sure. This is gonna sound like I'm talking out of my ass...
Isaac: Then please try to enunciate.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No, it's a figure... never mind.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I had to get some air.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: We're in space.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Kel, I'm sorry, but you can't blame yourself for any of this.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I watched three people murdered in my name. Five others already dead. And a mother telling her child that if he misbehaved, "Kelly will get him." You're damn right I blame myself. And I'm forbidden to even try and fix it. I mean, how many more people are gonna die down there in the name of Kelly? Thousands? Millions?
Capt. Ed Mercer: If there's anything at all I can do...
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No. Just... I want to be alone.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [see Commander Grayson takes a drink in one gulp] Whoa! Commander, you might wanna pace yourself, we're only in the 1800s.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Eh, don't worry about me, I'll make it.
Ensign: Have you been through the whole simulation?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Almost. The pub crawl through history is a classic in my family. My dad once made it from ancient Greece all the way to the Water Wars.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I've gotta say, I've never understood the "pub crawl." We're here, we're drinking. The booze is gonna be exactly the same at the next place.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Ed, They are sending you out into enemy space and you acting like it's some big joke! My God, if you are discovered...
Capt. Ed Mercer: Look Kelly, Why do you think I'm trying to lighten the mood here ? I'm scared off my ass.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Look, I know I'm not supposed to talk here. And I'm probably gonna get court-martialed, but somebody's gotta call out these assholes.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Gordon, don't.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Every time they cross a line, we let it go because we're scared to fight the Kaylon without them. And every time we compromise, they still act like they're the ones getting the shaft.
Admiral: That's enough, lieutenant!
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [to the Moclans] You treat people like garbage. And then when you get called on it, you bitch and you moan that we're not respecting your 'beliefs'. Well, SCREW YOU and your...
Capt. Ed Mercer: Gordon!
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Sorry.
Teleya: [is about to stab Kelly with her knife] A gift, for Avis!
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