Top 500 Quotes From The Middle

Axl: Well, I can explain, all right. The first half of the year I didn't even know I was taking it. I thought I had a free period. Then everyone was too far ahead and I was totally lost.
Frankie: In English.
Axl: That shouldn't even be a requirement. I've been speaking it, like, half my life.

Frankie: Oh, God, this is crazy. Look at us. We're taking the Donahues' Passat, lying to each other, sneaking around. We can't keep doing this. We have to make a schedule.

Brick: I looked up "Moby Dick", the hard edition.
Mike: Uh, you didn't.
Brick: And you can't believe what came up.
Mike: Oh, I'm afraid we can.
Brick: All these first editions and stuff.
Frankie: Oh, see?
Mike: Oh, good for you, Brick.
Frankie: That's what the Internet is for - books.
Brick: Oh, and then I met some guy online who wants to meet me at the park.
[leaves]
Frankie: Maybe we should have taken him to the library.

Frankie: You know, when I had Axl, I didn't even work that whole first year, and with Sue I took, like, three months. But with Brick - I only took a week.
Mike: And, technically, that was to raise the Fergusons' baby.

Mike: I don't get how you can watch your daughter do something like this to somebody and not feel the need to say anything.
Steve: Well, it's not really my job to force my daughter to do something she doesn't want to do.
Mike: Actually, that's your exact job. That is your job and my job to help our kids be nice. To teach them how to be decent.

Frankie: Well, apparently Doris would rather live over at the Donahues'.
Mike: Get in line, Doris.

Rita: When us Glossners make a mistake, we admit it. That's why so many of us is in jail. We've got integrity.

Derrick: Yeah, well, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm not gonna kiss you again.
Sue: Good, 'cause it's gross, and I do not think about it at night while I fall asleep.

Sue: I don't want to alarm anybody, but I can't seem to find my coat.
Axl: What? Sue, if you lost that coat, you're going to blow this sweet deal for everybody. We told Mom and Dad we could take care of ourselves.
Sue: All right. Relax.
Axl: Don't you tell me to relax, Sue. I like what's going on here. I like Mom and Dad not talking to us.

Mike: Hey, buddy, how's it going?
Frankie: Mind if we chat a minute?
Axl: Oh no. No, go away. I don't need you. Don't worry about the interview. I got it covered.
Frankie: Do you, Axl? This is huge. Now this recruiter is not just looking at football. He's going to be looking to see whether you're the kind of kid they want at their school.
Axl: Duh. I know how to behave in situations.
Mike: Oh yeah? You once stuck gum to the side of a casket at a funeral. You're not allowed to "duh" us.

Frankie: You doing anything special with Cindy for Valentine's Day?
Brick: Oh, right. Cindy. I'm not sure we're still going out.
Frankie: What do you mean you're not sure?
Brick: I don't know. We haven't really talked for a few months.
Frankie: Why? Did something happen?
Brick: No, nothing I can think of. She might have been sick for awhile. Or she moved. No, wait, she sits behind me in homeroom.

Frankie: No, Axl. Christmas Eve was my non-negotiable. You already got yours.
Axl: But I made the wrong choice! Joe's party was so lame, it shouldn't even count. After we made cookies, I had to jitterbug with his grandma. She kept touching my face.

Axl: Everybody has a favorite everything, and, in this family, I'm the favorite kid.
Sue: Ha! That's hilarious. Why would you be their favorite? You cause them so much stress, you get bad grades, you do dumb things with your friends. There is no way you're their favorite.
Axl: Oh, there is way. I was their firstborn. I was born when they still had love to give.
Brick: Well, actually, I'm the baby, so I'm pretty sure I'm their favorite.
Axl: You're a loser who misses a tomato. I win.
Brick: Believe what you want, but in every book, every movie, the baby is always the favorite.
Axl: Not when he's an accident.
Brick: That is not true! Sue?
Sue: They called you "Oops" until you were three. Look, there is two of you, and I am the only girl. Everyone knows girls are easier. I am so, so nice. I'm pretty sure it's clear who the favorite would be, if they had a favorite, which they don't.
Axl: Sue, think about it. What do you really contribute to this family? I mean, "Oops" is freakishly smart, I got recruiters all wanting a piece of the Ax. And, hm, what has Sue Sue Heck really brought to the party?

Mike: You know, Axl, I once had this big fight with my dad. Two of us didn't talk for weeks. I felt bad about it. And I knew he was wanting his car washed, so I went out and did it. And when he saw that gesture, he knew that was my way of saying sorry, and so he was able to turn around and give me something I wanted.
Axl: God, Dad, after all you've done to me, what makes you think I want to hear one of your boring stories?

Sue: I love you, Darrin, I really do. And you might be the person I'm supposed to be with forever, but I don't want my forever to start right now.

Sue: Did I mention that the examiner said it was the single greatest piece of driving he's ever seen?
Frankie: I'm sure you did great, honey.
Sue: Yeah.
Mike: She did do great. Sue, you're an excellent driver.
Sue: Can I drive the family to Graduation?
Mike: Absolutely not.

Mike: All right! That's it! That's it! We're shutting it down. The party's over. Here we go. You guys shouldn't be celebrating Valentine's Day anyway because it's a scam cooked up by the greeting card companies. You know what you should be doing? You should be studying. 'Cause guess what they're doing in China right now? They are doing math, and they're learning how to be CEOs of greeting card companies so they can sell us Americans a heart-shaped load of crap!

Sue: I don't go into your room and stare at your booger wall.
Axl: Hey! Some of those aren't mine.

Sue: Do you guys have favorite kids?
Frankie: I like those Donahues.
Sue: No, of us. Mom, I really want to know this. Do you guys have favorite kids, among us kids? Do you guys have favorites?
Frankie: Honey, don't be ridiculous. Parents love all their kids infinitely. If there's infinite love, then it's not possible to love one more than the other because infinite love is infinite.
Mike: Guess I'd say Axl.
Sue: Dad!
Frankie: Mike!

Sue: [to college tour guide] Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm white - all white. So, I'm only interested in clubs for white people or art made by only white people, not Native Americans, because I'm definitely not that. So, please, don't show me anything or talk to me about anything that is not exclusively for white people.

Frankie: I'm sorry, Mike. I know I was acting crazy. It's just that sometimes as a mom, you know, you - when you're with your kids, you wanna be alone, and when you're alone, you wanna be with them. And it's like no matter where you are, you feel guilty you're not in the other place, you know?
Mike: No.
Frankie: No?
Mike: I don't feel guilt that way... ever. Sorry.
Frankie: Jeez. Fathers shouldn't even get a day. No guilt. That must be nice.
Mike: It really is.

Axl: [checking phone] The text. I finally got the text. Ha-ha! Yes! She said yes! I'm going to the prom with Ashley. Wait. Who's Ashley? God, I texted the wrong number. Thanks for the crappy phone with the small buttons, Mom and Dad!

Sue: I have to practice everything with this box on my head until it all seems normal.
Axl: Yes! Thank you. Finally made Sue wear a box on her head. I've been pushing this for years.

Frankie: These are the moments, Mike. We're missing our life.
Mike: We've been busy. We got a lot of kids.
Frankie: Are we, Mike? Are we really that busy? 'Cause somehow we managed to catch every single episode of "Celebrity Rehab".
Mike: Hey, keep TV out of this. We need TV. We got nothing else.
Frankie: Yeah, well, no more.
[grabs coat]
Mike: Where are you going?
Frankie: Sue's wrestling meet is today and I said I was too busy. I can't be there for my one and only daughter because of paperwork? Mnh-mnh. I'm not missing out on one more hour of joy. I'm going.
[pauses]
Frankie: But tape "Celebrity Rehab".

Axl: Alan Hung! What's up, buddy? You can, like, hack into people's computers, right? 'Cause there's this paper on my sister's computer, password is "Ihearttrying".

Frankie: Okay, guys, hit the couch. I am calling a family meeting.
Axl: What am I even doing here? I'm barely even a part of this family.
Frankie: Um, I have an empty fridge and a clogged toilet that says otherwise.

Mike: It's funny - for me I always kind of enjoyed the Christmas stuff.
Frankie: Hmm.
Mike: I didn't really get that in my house growing up. I mean, after my mom died, it was just a bunch of guys. Nobody was gonna decorate. In fact, I didn't really ever celebrate Christmas until I met you. Anyway, I'm sure the kids will be up early. I'm gonna go to bed.
[leaves]
Frankie: Aw, crap.

Brick: Aah! The moth went in my ear! Get it out! Get it out!
Axl: Really?
Brick: I can hear it flapping.
Axl: Oh. Ugh.
Sue: Everything's going to be fine, Brick.
[to Axl]
Sue: If it goes in his brain, he's dead.
Brick: What? Why is this happening to me?
Axl: It's Ashley! I told you she's a witch. She turned herself into a moth, and now she's going after my brother!
Brick: Ahh! It's burrowing!
Axl: Just stay calm.
[to Sue]
Axl: I need scissors and matches.
Brick: Ahh!

Frankie: I am trying to build memories for our family. Memories for our daughter so she has something to write about besides lettuce.
Sue: You read my diary?
Frankie: We all have.

Mike: How could we forget Mother's Day again? I count on you guys to remember this stuff.
Axl: How was I supposed to know it's even on a Sunday this year? I'm not a calendar.

Chuck: Nice suit, little dude. Off the rack?
Brick: Out of the box.
Chuck: What's the label?
Brick: I don't know.
[checks]
Brick: Shah-nee-a Twan.
Chuck: Shania Twain?
Brick: [reads] "The 'Man I Feel Like a Woman' collection". Oh, no, this isn't cousin Ryan's. It's cousin Allison's. I've been wearing women's clothes for the last three days.
Chuck: It's cool, baby Mike. Man, woman. We're all just energy.

Axl: Oh, everybody's always telling me what to do, but now I want them to tell me what to do, and nobody will.

Darrin: I love books. Do you remember "Pat the Bunny"? You could feel the bunny.

Frankie: You're home from work late. Were you with Limestone?
Axl: Who's Limestone?
Mike: Nobody.
Frankie: He's a cat.
Sue: We have a cat?
Brick: How long have we had a cat?
Frankie: It's not our cat. It's your dad's work cat that he never told us about.
Axl: Hey! How come you get a cat and we don't?
Sue: Can you bring him home? Can I feed him? Can he sleep in my room?
Brick: Why does he get to sleep in your room? I'm the one with no friends.
Mike: Nobody's getting the cat. The cat is dead.
Sue: Our cat died?

Axl: Why? Why would you ask my sister to the prom?
Darrin: I don't know. She's nice. She has a sunny disposition.
Axl: Dude, that's my sister you're talking about.

Brick: Wait, who's the lion?
Mike: I am. I'm the lion. I'm the lion in ALL of the stories.

Mike: Axl, is Sue, you know, fitting in at school?
Axl: She's kinda getting a pass right now 'cause everyone thinks she's just one of those freaks who likes to dress up for the whole week of Halloween. But if she carries this into November, I won't be able to help her.

[Sue's gym coach called to tell her parents she was accepted on the volleyball team]
Frankie: Wow. Sue made volleyball. Now when she gets home, act surprised.
Mike: I don't have to act.

Frankie: Okay, it's not under the house. But, if you're curious, bat mothers do nurse their young.

Sue: Oh, spirits, I know this is your busy season with Halloween coming up and all, but, if it's cool with you, we would like to contact the spirit of... Christopher Columbus.
Becky: Christopher Columbus?
Sue: He discovered America, you guys, and I just love America so much!

Frankie: Mike! I'm talking to your son about dating! Get in here!
Mike: No.
Frankie: Mike, seriously, get in here! Talk to your son.
Mike: No. I've got nothing to add.

Reverend: [singing] "It's tough being a parent. It's hard being Mom and Dad. It's hard being a parent, you wonder why kids do the things they do. Well, I said it before and I'll say it some more, remember, Jesus was a teenager, too. Mary wondered if he'd be okay, But he turned out to be a super nice guy in every way. He did, yeah. It's hard being a parent. It's the toughest job you'll ever do, and it's the most rewarding, too. Remember how they used to spit up on you? Don't worry this will pass, too. Yeah, it's hard being a parent."

Axl: What are you doing right now?
Sue: Well, I was going to write out the entire lyrics to "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce and send it to Matt.
Axl: Okay, you're not doing that.

Frankie: Oh, and, Mike, I heard something else drop into the pool last night. Seriously, how many squirrels have to die before we get a cover?

Mike: What're you doing?
Frankie: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm rocking a piece of our grandchild.

Mike: [referring to raising Axl] . First pancake never turns out the best.

Frankie: Oh, Sue. It's going to be freezing out there, and I'm too old to sit on the concrete all night. I mean, I barely made it up off the couch after that two-hour "Bachelor".

Axl: So where am I supposed to live now?
Mike: How about your room?
Axl: I can't go back to that dump after living in the garage.

Axl: What would you do if one of your friends challenged you to drive blindfolded?
Mike: Get smarter friends.
Axl: You know, I'm not gonna share my accomplishments with you anymore if this is how you guys react.

Darrin: Hey, what's with you?
Axl: What's with me? I don't want to see your stupid face right now. That's what's with me.
Darrin: That's not very nice to say that about someone's face. What did my face ever do to you?
Axl: You told my sister you were going to take her to prom, and then, like, you just cancel on her last minute?
Darrin: What are you talking about? She has like a million dates.
Axl: No, she doesn't, Darrin. She went to prom alone. And she wanted to go with you, so nice going.
Darrin: She doesn't even like me.
Axl: Oh, my God. Are you an idiot? Do you not see how she gets those weird googly eyes whenever you come over, and grins like an idiot? It's completely disgusting and makes me want to vomit, but, for whatever reason, she still really likes you, and you really hurt you. And that's not cool. You do not hurt my sister.

Sue: Look! Look. They got Brick a bunny.
Axl: What? How come he gets a bunny and I don't?
Frankie: [in low voice] 'Cause Brick needs help and you don't, so Brick gets a bunny.
Axl: Oh, so he does weird stuff and gets things? I can do weird stuff.
[flailing]
Axl: Ooh! Aah! Blah-huh-hoo! Oowah.
[stops]
Axl: Now, get me a car.

Mike: How was your day?
Frankie: It was the best, Mike, the best. Brick and I spent the whole day at Ehlert's just hanging and laughing and talking. And the coolest part is I think Brick got how much he means to me, and he's not the forgotten third kid, you know. Oh, and his favorite color's yellow, by the way, and the reason he rolls up his pajama bottoms is he's worried he's going to trip in his dreams.
Mike: Glad you guys had fun. Where is he? Brick! Brick?
Frankie: Oh my God, I left him at work!

Axl: You can't be that big of an idiot. You really have no idea where Mom's going?
Sue: No.
Axl: Think! Bob's been picking her up all week,
[flicks penny at Sue]
Axl: she's been humming stupid songs all around the house.
[flicks penny]
Axl: Last night she came home with green glitter in her hair.
[flicks another penny]
Sue: Oh! Stop it!
Axl: That's right, Sue. Mom still in the play.
[dramatic gasp]
Sue: What?

Axl: I didn't even think my bones could break, they're so strong and thick. God! I drank so much milk. I'm suing milk!

Mike: Your mom and I found this ticket stub, and we are very disappointed...
Sue: I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. You were right. You were totally right. I'm not ready to see an R-rated movie. They said and did weird things. And how could he sleep with his wife and then sleep with his wife's sister the next day? It was disgusting! And that's not even the worst of it. Mom always tells me to put just one pump of butter on my popcorn, but I put three pumps 'cause I thought I could handle it. But I couldn't, Dad, I couldn't handle it. I threw up on the theater floor. Oh, God. How could I ever doubt you?

Sue: This is so hard. It's like Sophie's choice. My friend Sophie is getting a puppy for her birthday, and she can't decide between a corgi and a beagle.
Frankie: You know, Sue, there's also a movie called "Sophie's Choice".
Sue: Oh, really? Was it about dogs? Was it sad? Oh, wait. Don't spoil it for me.

Sue: The rock came through the window at 7:42.
Axl: It wasn't a car. It was a Vespa.
Sue: I'll pass it on to Brick.
Axl: Pass this on, too. Now there are worse things Mom can do to your mouth than make food for it.

Frankie: Ashley, your dress is so interesting.
Ashley: It's more of a wizard's robe. I'm really into wizards.
Mike: Oh right. Like "Harry Potter".
Ashley: Who?

Sue: This time I tried to keep my mouth closed, but it still got in there somehow. It's almost like he's doing it on purpose.
Frankie: Yeah, Sue, here's the thing. He is doing it on purpose.
Sue: What? Why? Why would he do something like that? It's so mean.
Frankie: Yeah, well, it might seem mean to you now, but, you know, some people sort of like it.
Sue: Who? Who would like that? It's like having an eel in your mouth.
Frankie: Oh, come on, Sue, there are two girls that are pregnant in your class right now. You never heard of French kissing?
Sue: Whoa. Wait a minute. That's French kissing?
Frankie: Yeah. What did you think it was?
Sue: I thought it was kissing during a rainbow.

Axl: No! Weird Ashley? No way. I can't take Weird Ashley to prom.
Sean: How was she even in your phone?
Axl: She tutored me for a couple of weeks in math last year. I got a "C", so not only is she weird, she's dumb, too.

Axl: You can't just throw domesticated bunnies back into the wild, Brick. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to climb a tree to get an apple, and they can't outrun a pack of angry cows. Come on! Use your head.

Frankie: A pet? Oh, no. He kills pets.
Dr. Fulton: Oh.
Frankie: But not on purpose. Mostly accidental. It's neglect really. And he feels bad. I mean, he doesn't cry. Not like a serial killer. I know they don't cry, either. They don't have any empathy for their victims. Like Brick, but he...
Dr. Fulton: [writing] Okay. That's noted.

Brick: Mom, we gotta return these books to the library before it closes for good. I wanted to warn you early, so we had time. We have fourteen minutes.

Nicky: You know, in an alternate universe you and I could have been very happy together.

Frankie: You got nothin'.
Axl: I know! And Darrin died for two minutes when he was six.
Sue: What? He did?
Frankie: His mother never told me this.
Brick: What happened?
Mike: When was this?
Axl: You guys suck.

Pat: Well, you don't cut back at Christmas. It's Christmas!
Frankie: Who are you people? When I was a kid, for my allowance I got one cent for every year of my life. That means when I was twelve, I got twelve pennies. Twelve pennies!
Pat: Well, back then we were parents. Now we're grandparents. We have to be grand. It's in the title.

Frankie: Listen, this week's a little crazy, so Tuesday I'm gonna need you to pick Sue up from work.
Mike: Got it. Where's that again?
Frankie: Seriously, Mike? You don't know where your daughter works? I think that's sad.
Mike: I think you're sad.
Frankie: Well, we're all sad, that's a given. So where does your daughter work?
Mike: I know it's potatoes, Frankie. We've been eating her funky potato rejects for weeks. I just don't know where it is.

Sue: Oh, no. Closed? Ugh, now we're going to have to load everything back up.
Axl: No way. Let's just dump and run.
Sue: But - but the sign says "Do not leave items after hours".
Axl: There's no way we're carting all this crap back home. Stop wussing out and help me.
Sue: Ugh!
Voice: Do not leave items after hours.
Sue: Oh no. They're watching us.
Axl: Chill. It's just a recording.
Voice: This is not just a recording. You - boy with the red tricycle, girl with the straight hair. It is illegal to leave items after hours per Indiana penal code 35-45, section 3.

Frankie: It's our last day at Disney World and we're missing it. No showering. Just bring the mini soaps and we'll ride Splash Mountain!

Mike: Frankie, you weren't there. I've never seen anything like it. This girl was like a Bond villain. She says words that seem nice, but they're not. They're evil.

Sue: Two and a half minutes left with the possibility of being a cheerleader. But, you know what? Even if I don't make it, it's going to be fine. It's gonna be so fine.
[agitated]
Sue: Oh my gosh! They're not calling! I tried and I didn't make it. My life is over!
[calmly]
Sue: But I guess that's just the way the old cookie crumbles. Just got to roll with the punches and all that jazz.
[agitated]
Sue: Why aren't they calling? Is that clock fast? Are these phones working? Why can't this family have better phones and clocks?
[gasps]
Sue: Oh my God, I want this so bad. I can't breathe.
Axl: No one help her.

Axl: I don't like the library. It's quiet, it's boring, and I don't know where it is.

Theo: My mum says I'm normal!
Brick: She's lying.

Frankie: If you had one word to describe me?
Axl: Lazy!
Brick: Angry!
Sue: Tired!
Brick: Actually, "lazy" and "tired" are kind of the same thing.
Axl: Yeah, but I still think she's more lazy than angry.
Brick: If you call her on being lazy, - she gets really angry.
Sue: That's not fair.
Frankie: Thank you.
Sue: She's only angry because she's getting older, nothing turned out like she wanted, and now at this late stage of her life, when she should be able to kick back and relax, she's stuck grabbing at her one last chance to try and make something of herself.

Frankie: Stolen, Mike, my car was stolen. Why would someone steal our crappy car?
Mike: Probably for parts. 'Cause nobody would want that thing as a whole.

Axl: Now, why are you suck a freak, what made you a freak, and what's the first freakish thing you ever did?

Frankie: Sometimes things don't end up how you expect. Sometimes, they end exactly the way you expect. And sometimes you're not ready to see how they end. You just want to hold out hope a little longer.

Mike: Go, honey. Have a good time.
Sue: I'm going to a band competition in Cincinatti! How could I not?
[squeals]

Axl: And Buddhism's about rebirth, so I'll learn how my coolness will live on forever. In your face, Death!

Mike: Hang on. Isn't this your social skills group?
Brick: Yeah. We went to a regular Scout meeting before, but, after a few weeks, they decided to give us our own troop. Wasn't that nice?

Frankie: So, it's been awhile, huh? How're you doing, Mr. Ehlert?
Mr. Ehlert: I had a mole the size of Texas frozen off my back and I'm sitting on a hemorrhoid pillow. How do you think I'm doing?

Frankie: I'm just excited that your brother's coming home for his first Christmas from college. Don't worry, someday I'll be happy you're here, too.

Brick: Listen, I've read the Constitution, and nowhere does it give the President the power to demand push-ups.

Brick: I'm sure you've never read the Bible in your life.
Axl: Only 'cause I've got stuff going on. I'll read it when I'm closer to death like all old people.

[Rita creates a diversion so she can get away with Sue's car]
Rita: Hate speech! Hate speech! She hates me because I'm white!
Frankie: *I'm* white!

Sue: [sneezing] Oh, no. I'm allergic to Christmas!

Mike: I'm kind of running out of things to take from you, Sue.
Sue: Well, sometimes after school I like to go over to the soccer field and watch the guy mow the lawn.
Mike: All right, you can't do that for two weeks. Matter of fact, that's kind of strange. Why don't you stop doing that altogether?

Axl: So Mom went to the slammer. You all thought it would be me first, but it was Mom. It's hilarious.

Frankie: Damn it! I let you stay up late to watch the finale of "Shark Tank" after you promised me you would wake up early.

Axl: Apparently, Mom was planning to hold me hostage all Christmas.
Frankie: Oh, you think I'm holding you hostage? I'll hold you hostage. You're grounded!
Axl: What? I've been home for three minutes, and I'm already grounded? Oh! This is the worst Christmas ever!

Sue: Are you crazy? I can't go to a spa. I have to study for my A.C.T.s, plus I'm gonna have to find a new service project, because I cut up the meat wrong and I choked an old person.

Axl: Schmula. It's our sacred day of remembrance.
Senora: You're Jewish?
Axl: I don't think it's legal for you to ask me that.
Senora: Okay. Then why does being Jewish preclude you from taking the test?
Axl: If I get what "preclude" means, Schmula is our day of silence in honor of the harvest.
Senora: In that case, Senor Heck, I'd be willing to come in on Saturday, and you can make up the test then.
Axl: Thank you for accommodating me, but, unfortunately, I have to go to a funeral.
Senora: I'm sorry to hear that. Who died?
Axl: My aunt. Her name's Betty Robinson. She was 97. She went off a bridge. It's right there in the paper. You can look it up.
Senora: [checks paper] Oh my gosh, Axl, I'm so sorry.
Axl: She shouldn't have been texting. Her last one was "Record Matlock". She'll never see that episode a fourth time.

Frankie: Sue. Sue, wake up. Hey, Happy Birthday.
Sue: Oh, my God. Oh, what a surprise. Oh, you got me so good.
Frankie: Yeah.
Mike: Yeah, we got you good.
Sue: Oh, and I cried myself to sleep for nothing.

Frankie: Shouldn't Brick be doing that?
Mike: He's sick.
Frankie: Really? Two days on the job and he's suddenly sick?
Mike: No, he is. He threw up.
Frankie: Ugh. Was it hard to clean up?
Mike: You let me know.

Mike: So you're not their favorite parent. You're a solid second place.
Axl: Eh.
Frankie: "Eh"?
Axl: Mrs. Donahue sends Sean with extra cookies for my lunch.

Mike: I still don't know why we didn't just drive.
Frankie: Because you do for family. This is our final show of respect. We're not just gonna ship her off like luggage.
Brick: So, where is she now?
Mike: She's resting comfortably in cargo.

Mike: He wants us to interface on a weekly basis, whatever that is, and we're supposed to fill out this parenting style questionnaire.
Frankie: You brought back homework? Way to go, Hammer. Why didn't you say no?
Mike: 'Cause I didn't have the answer ball. Okay?

Axl: So who'd you decide to go to prom with?
Sue: Actually, nobody. I am taking myself to prom. Just like Molly Ringwald in "Pretty in Pink".
Axl: Hm.
Sue: It's a very important movie from the '80s about self-acceptance.
Brick: Wait. I thought you were going with Darrin.
Sue: I was, but then I guess he decided he didn't want to go to prom after all. Oh, well. I'm off to prom. Will you take my picture?
[hands Axl camera and he takes picture]
Sue: Thanks.
[leaves]
Brick: I know I'm only twelve, but that was the saddest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Darrin: Wow, our whole entire friendship is at stake. This is serious business. I will watch this cartoon for you.

Darrin: When I got Angel the necklace, she really liked it, so I thought you would, too. I mean, my mom really likes hers.
Sue: Oh my God! Your mom, too? You know, that's a lot of keys to your heart, Darrin. Why even bother locking it if everybody's got one?

Frankie: We have to get a new roof.
Mike: Good idea. I'll go dig up the gold bars we buried in the backyard.
Frankie: What about our emergency fund?
Mike: Went towards paying off Brick's cavity.
[looks at Brick eating a candy bar]

Sue: Wait, so if you had Brick's, then who told me not to try out for stuff?
[Mike raises hand]
Sue: Thanks for believing in me, Dad.

Mike: [angrily] Think of all the things that could have happened. Someone could been drinking, gotten into a car, and killed a family!
Axl: And a baby!
Mike: And a baby!
Sue: [sobbing] I could have killed a baby!

Brick: Where's my book, Axl? I know you took it.
Axl: Hey! Until I see some proof, I will not even address these malicious and spurious charges. "Law and Order". Watch it.

Axl: Have you been living under a rock? Once these guys go viral, we're gonna be fighting off the offers. Think about it. If you had a chance to own the sneezing panda, wouldn't you? The skateboarding dog? The monkey that smells his own poo and faints? This is not just sound business. This is genius. And, now that I think about it, a possible career path.

Axl: This is outrageous! When was I gonna find out about this? I'm practically the head of the household. I mean, how long have I been supporting you people?
Frankie: We just borrowed it during a desperate time. We had no way of knowing that all the times would be desperate.
Mike: Look, we - we spent plenty of money on you over the years. I really don't think we owe you anything.
Axl: Really? I have made life so easy for you people. I got a scholarship to college, so you don't even have to pay for it. How much is college? Like two thousand dollars? Well, I want two, then, with interest.
Mike: What is interest, Axl? Do you even know what interest is?
Axl: I'm interested in getting my money back. That's what I'm interested in.

Pam: Another thing, you know, the only thing Pat Sajak said to me was, "You're standing in my light."

Sue: You just don't get it!
Frankie: Okay, stop right there. I don't get it? Um, I might not get a lot of things, but I get this. Women all over the world get this. Sorry to break it to you, but trying on swimsuits is a depressing, soul-killing rite of passage for all women. There are even entire comic strips devoted to it. What do you think "Cathy" has been aacking about all these years? I don't even put on a swimsuit without at least two margaritas in me. So, you just be happy that you're a cute 14-year-old looking for her first bikini, instead of a woman who's had three kids throwing away a mortgage payment on some miracle suit made with NASA Teflon material that shaves off ten pounds, but all it really does it push it all out your back. So, I get it, Sue, I get it. You hate you body. Well, congratulations, today you are a woman.

Sue: Brick, what are you doing? You didn't kill another pet, did you?
Brick: No, I don't even have a pet right now. Do I? I'm planting a tomato.
Axl: That's weird.
Brick: I found it in my backpack.
Axl: Oh, that's much more normal then.
Brick: I must have left it in there from when we were learning about photosynthesis.
Axl: Ha! That sounds like a school word, Brick. It's summer, leave the learning inside.

Tag: You ever read that book "Tuesdays with Morrie"?
Mike: No, I don't think I have.
Tag: Every Tuesday this Morrie fella meets with a former student of his and he tells him his life stories and his wisdom and so on before he dies.
Mike: Oh God.
Tag: So, clear your schedule, Mike, 'cause unlike Morrie, I ain't dyin'. I've got loads of time.

Frankie: You know, I like that Jack. My dip was kind of gross and he still ate it.
Mike: I'll like him more when he gives Axl a free ride. And don't ever make that dip again.

Sue: Ehlert Motors is having a Hands on a Hard Body contest this weekend. The last person with their hand on the car wins it. Can you possibly think of a more perfect contest for me? I mean, who has more practice standing than me? I mean, I stand off to the side at dances, in gym waiting to be picked. I stand through half my classes because there aren't enough desks due to budget cuts. We're supposed to trade off, but nobody does.
[laughs]
Sue: I'm gonna win myself a car!

Frankie: I've seen enough episodes of "Castle" to know that something is not right with this picture. The glass is evenly laid out. The rock is placed just so. It's all a little too neat.
Mike: Only in this house would broken glass all over the floor be considered neat.

Frankie: You got a "D" on your math test? You don't get D's.
Brick: Eh, what are you gonna do?
Frankie: I'll tell you what you're gonna do, Brick. You're gonna study. Math is very important in life. You use math in everything... Oh, even I can't say it like I believe it.

Frankie: So you just took a sip and you spit it back out?
Sue: Yeah.
Frankie: I don't think you were drunk.
Sue: No, I was. It affects me differently. My body's not full of alcohol like yours.

Axl: Oh, smooth, Dad. I thought that "Dateline" guy was going to come out of the back.
Mike: Shut up.

Brick: [reading from journal] "Went to library. Someone checked out 'The Pelican Brief' and never returned it. I wonder if it was me."

Frankie: I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna cut.
Sue: What? Mom, no! We cannot cut. That is so wrong.
Frankie: Don't think of it as cutting. Think of it as reclaiming the spot that is rightfully ours.
Sue: But...
Frankie: Sue, you gotta be cool.
Sue: Unh-unh. That's the thing the bad kid says in the drug movies when he's trying to get you to drink drugs!
Frankie: Listen, do you want this or not?
Sue: Oh, God. Why are my teen years so full of hard choices?

Axl: What are you doing?
Brick: I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm living life. Look at all the dead trees and brown grass. I can't believe I've been missing all of this.

Brick: [reading his paper] "What is love? Shakespeare tells us that love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. I'm only ten and have yet to experience great love, so I chose to write about the only love I'm familiar with - the love my parents share. It's not a new love filled with burning passion. My sister says they don't even French kiss anymore."
Frankie: Sue!
Sue: Brick!
Brick: [continues reading] "But it's the little things they do for each other that tells me what love is. Like in the car when my mom puts her hand on the back of my dad's neck and massages it. Or when my dad warms up my mom's car and scrapes the ice off the windshield on cold mornings. And how they've learned to communicate with each other using their own special language. It's true we don't have a lot of money, but I like to think even if we did, my parents would still be at home hanging out together. Of course, in a much nicer house with a Jacuzzi soaking tub. If you ask people what they think are the greatest love stories, they'll say Romeo and Juliet or Hermione and Ron Weasley. And those are fine. But, if you ask me, great love stories can be small like my mom and dad's."

Frankie: What's this I just found under your bed?
Axl: I swear it's not mine.
Frankie: It's a report card with your name on it.
Axl: Oh, yeah. That's mine.

Sue: Axl, do something. Mom's really liking this place. I don't wanna move.
Axl: Don't worry. If Dad doesn't like it, it's not happening. We once looked at a sandwich shop 'cause Mom thought she could run it.

Reverend: Anyway, I'm headed up to Bloomington. They have this big interfaith snowball fight on campus where they work out thousands of years of conflict in a fun, safe environment. Would it be cool if I took some of your delicious cookies?
Sue: Yes!
Reverend: I just wish there was more of 'em.
Sue: Oh, well, I have a thousand more in the car. I mean that. A thousand.

Axl: See? That's your problem, Brick. You are a rigid thinker. That's why I'm gonna end up ruling the world. All the big-time rich guys... Steve Jobs... other guys. They're all creative thinkers. Risk-takers.

Frankie: Feeling better, honey?
Sue: Yeah. The ball deflected off my headgear, so it only got my forehead. How lucky am I to have headgear, huh?

Sue: I'm not sick! I live here.
Courtney: That's right. You live! You live every single day like it's your last, bubble girl.

Sean: I thought you were gonna lifeguard at the pool again.
Axl: Dude, that job sucked. My boss was always on me. "That chair's not for sleeping. Stop hitting on girls and save that kid."

Sue: It's just... at my school, people don't always, you know, know who I am, and I've always been pretty okay with that. But now I'm in high school, and there's just all these boys. And the girls are different and the boys are different, and I'm just not on anybody's radar. And I don't know exactly why. Is it something I'm doing?
Mike: Uh, you know, maybe you could stop dressing like a third-grader.
Sue: Oh my God.
Mike: Oh no, Sue, I didn't-I didn't mean...
Sue: No, you're right. I get what you're saying.
Mike: You do?
Sue: Yeah! Yeah, you know, I-I've changed a lot on the inside; maybe my outsides haven't changed as much. I gotta bring my inner Sue out. Like when Beyonce became Sasha Fierce. Thanks, Dad.
Mike: Okay. Sure.
[pauses]
Mike: We can talk again. But if feels like we don't need to.

Mike: I can't believe you're not worried about this. He's 18 and looks 30.

Axl: Oh, God, I can't afford to lose the Donahues. They feed me real food. They taught me how to brush my teeth. If I lose that family, I've only got this family.

Sue: Then what stuff? What else do you think I would do?
[it dawns on her]
Sue: Oh! Oh, my God! Dad! Do you even know me at all? No, that's not happening. I am not ready for that.
Mike: Oh, okay. Well, good, then.
Sue: Oh, and, by the way, when it does eventually happen, it is not going to be in a basement. It's going to be in front of a beautiful roaring fire and a Christmas tree.
Mike: Ah... I don't need the details.

Axl: Look, this is important. My whole life people have been telling me what to do. "Sit up straight." "That cup's not a toilet." "Clean your room." Well, now I finally have a say. Now I get to tell America to clean its room.
Sue: But I'm scared. What if I mess up again?
Axl: Sue! Let me tell you why I'm so awesome. You see, even when I have no idea what I'm doing, I pretend I do. That's why I'm good at everything. This guy, Harry Butts - he should be living in a hole, but he has the guts to put his name on signs all over town and run for office. If he could do that, then you gotta step it up and get me there so I can vote for him. Do it for America!
Sue: I just love America so much. I'll do it!

Mike: It's not a big deal. The whole thing is stupid. I just stayed in one place for twenty years. It's like giving an award to a tree.

Janet: Dinner is served.
Axl: Whoa! This actually looks good. Where did you order from?
Janet: I made it.
Brick: You made it here? Our kitchen can do this?

Brick: Slight snag with the plan. I seem to have misplaced Dad's wallet.
Axl: What are you talking about?
Brick: Well, I hid it between the pages of "Tale of Two Cities", but that was too obvious, so I moved it somewhere. Long story short, "A Tale of Two Cities" still holds up, and I can't seem to find the wallet.
Axl: You've lost Dad's wallet and you've read a book you've already read before. Those are two of the dumbest things you've ever done, Brick.

Sue: You know what? A lot of this is your fault. I really could have used Brick's help, but you broke him!
Axl: Well, he took my guitar. He brought this on himself. He had to feel my wrath.
Sue: Well, you know what? None of this is gonna stop me. Because Sue Heck does not give up.
Axl: Why not? If anyone should give up, it's you.

Joel: Oh excuse me, journalism class?
Sue: Journalism's dead. Start a blog.

Axl: This is kidnapping. I've been kidnapped, and I'm probably gonna have to pay my own ransom.

Frankie: Uh... I can't feel my legs. I'm gonna get thrombosis. I saw it on "Dr. Oz".

Frankie: Hey, Brick. So, listen. I was thinking. It's just you and me this weekend. Why don't we do something special? When is the last time we did anything together, just the two of us?
Brick: Hm, when you took me the pediatrician to get that tetanus shot.

Brick: Don't forget I have Social Skills after school. We're working on planning ahead. I was supposed to tell you two weeks ago.

Mike: Look, Rusty, having teenagers - it's a lot to take on.
Rusty: Really? Well, the boy is an all-star basketball player, and the girl is a straight-"A" student, so I think I'm doing something right.
Mike: Oh, yeah? What are their names?
Rusty: Well, I'm not quite sure. But I do know that one is all white, and one is pretty much white.

Brick: Are you okay?
Axl: No, Brick, I'm not. I killed Aunt Edie.
Brick: I knew it! Nobody just drops dead at 96.

Axl: [Sue is dressed as a die] Aren't you too old to still be dressing up for Hall-lame-ween?
Sue: It's a costume party, Axl, so why don't you just shut up?
Axl: Why don't you just get lost like all the rest of the dice in this house? Hm?

Brick: Isn't it amazing how each snowflake is different?
Sue: I know. It took me, like, three hours to cut out ten. And God has to do, like, fifty billion. You can't tell me that's not a miracle.
Brick: That's a very good point. So, do you really believe all that stuff in the Bible is true?
Sue: Oh, absolutely.
Brick: [sighs] I don't know. But it is a really cool story.

Axl: I have to take care of this stupid baby thing for a week for health class. They said they're teaching us about sex ed. What do babies have to do with sex?
Frankie: They ruin it.

Sue: Oh, I just wished I'd never looked at that stupid paycheck.
Axl: Stop whining. It's about time you joined the real world. Welcome to adulthood. Now, arm yourself with a poop bomb and get ready to throw.

Frankie: Axl, why did you take all my stuff out?
Axl: God, you're so selfish. You have all week to relax and do all the laundry you want.

Axl: You have to start from Sue level on down. The bottom feeders, the band kids, the A.V. club, maybe some girl who was kicked in the head by a donkey and talks slow.
Brick: There is a kid who just came to school with a neck brace.
Axl: Ooh, mnh-mnh, that's temporary. It will come off and he could be cool. Don't waste your time.

Sue: Not to worry, Mom. We'll be fine.
Mike: Well, you'd better be 'cause I'm not driving back, even if there's a guy outside with a knife.
Frankie: Mike, that's not gonna happen. They caught that guy.
Sue: What?
Frankie: You'll be fine.

Frankie: Do you know all three of your heads were unnaturally large thanks to your giant favorite parent over here's weird genetic quirk? And that, after twenty-seven months of carrying you people around, I can no longer sneeze or laugh or jump in the bouncy house without peeing?

Aunt: When I was young, I used to love school. I remember once we had to do this time capsule, you know, fill it with important things, and bury it in the backyard so we could dig it up when we were grown.
Sue: Really? And-and did you? Did you dig it up?
Aunt: Oh, we moved before I could. What a shame. You know, I think of it every day of my life.
Aunt: You have? Oh my God. That's so many days!

Mike: I gotta say, Brick, you're annoying me the least this week.
Brick: Thanks, Dad. I know we don't always share a lot of the same interests, but I think we're both very calm.

Axl: You know what I'm worried about? I'm worried that whatever's wrong with these two is lying dormant in me.

Sue: But we have to stay home. Thanksgiving's not Thanksgiving without Frugal Hoosier canned corn, Safeway boxed stuffing, and CVS pumpkin pie.

Axl: Look, Mom and Dad should be the ones talking to you, but they won't 'cause they're lame, and they know nothing about relationships. I mean, if they did, why would they be with each other?
Sue: Axl, I'm sort of busy.
Axl: Here's the deal. You're being a huge dork. And this isn't even about your brace face, even though I have about fifty things I could say on the subject, but that's for another day.
[tosses Sue's collage]
Axl: How can I explain? Sue, when you started high school, you could have stepped it up and hung out with some cooler people, and maybe had a shot at a somewhat normal guy. But what do you do? You join Wrestlerettes.
Sue: I founded Wrestlerettes.
Axl: Making my point for me. Next, you date a hobbit, and never once stop to think how it will affect me. Before you do anything - anything - you need to ask yourself "How does this affect my super cool brother?".
Sue: I'm sorry, Axl, but Matt and I are going to be together forever, so get used to it.
Axl: You're nuts. Long distance relationships don't work for guys. We need our girlfriends right in front of us, and even that doesn't always work if they're standing next to their better looking friend.
Sue: Well, Matt isn't like other guys.
Axl: No argument there. But he's still a guy.
[starts to leave]
Axl: Oh, and, uh, just so you appreciate how nice I'm being, I haven't said a thing about your stupid headgear. And the things I have are good... and really funny. But I'm not saying them. Not even "Cage Match", which is my favorite one I came up with. So, yeah, you're welcome.

Axl: Courtney!
[kisses her]
Courtney: Axl!
[slaps him]
Axl: Uh, Debbie!
[Debbie slaps him]
Axl: What?
Debbie: That was totally inappropriate.
Courtney: Totally.
Axl: Hold on. Why are you mad? Because you're my girlfriend's best friend or because you're my girlfriend and I kissed you inappropriately in front of your best friend?
[chasing after them]
Axl: Wait! Don't go! One of you is really important to me!

Mike: Look, family working together is a bad idea. You know how I feel about nepotism.
Frankie: You're letting her clean your toilets. You're not giving her a part in your movie.
Sue: Oh my God, Dad, this would be so perfect. You'll get to see another side of me. I'll get to see another side of you.
Mike: There is no other side of me.

Sue: There is only one way to fix this.
Ashley: Hemlock?
Becky: Quit because we suck?
Ruth: Prayer circle?
Sue: No. Team bonding sleepover. Mandatory!

Brick: [after tomato's demise] This worked out just the way you wanted, didn't it, Axl? You saw that he was a champion, and you couldn't take that somebody else was gonna get the glory. You are a small, small, petty man.
Axl: God, Brick, it was an accident! What about my car?
Brick: Who drives a car into a demolition derby by mistake?
Axl: At least I placed fourth. If it wasn't for Sergeant Smashup, I would've medaled.

Sue: Brick, Mom says she's not getting sucked into the trappings. Tell her she can't do that.
Brick: Is this 'cause you think the holiday should be more about Jesus?
Frankie: Sure. That, too.

Axl: Okay, now, uh, sprinkle the glass around so it looks like the rock came from outside.
Brick: Ow! How come you don't have to touch any glass?
Axl: 'Cause I got fingerprinted for the missing child program back when Mom and Dad still cared.

Frankie: You don't have a problem with the shirt. You have a problem with what's inside the shirt. She's growing up, Mike. I don't know what to tell you.
Mike: I do. Let's stop it.

Axl: You never say anything nice to me. You always act like I screw up. All I know is, I've got two jobs while I go to school. I never miss a sports practice. I took that weird wizard girl to prom. I do plenty of good stuff.
Mike: You really think that? That I don't say anything nice to you?
Axl: [sighing] I don't know. Sometimes.
Mike: Yeah, well, you kids are the best thing that ever happened to me.
Axl: Really? You must have a really sucky life.
Mike: Yes, I do.

Brick: As a person who's been shoved aside and ignore most of the time, I realize it's important not to dwell on the negative. If I let stuff get me down, like having only one friend, or everybody missing all my birthdays, or having no one show up to my parent teacher conference... I don't take it personally. The truth is if you go thru life expecting other people make things good for you, you are gonna be disappointed. The only person you can depend on is yourself and I guess I'm lucky, cause, I like myself, so whenever I'm with myself, I'm happy. I never once let myself down.

Mike: So, listen, I wanna float something by you.
Frankie: Oh, no. That thing from the magazine? It's fun to think about, but I don't think it will work with our height difference,
Mike: I disagree, but, actually, I was talking about Mother's Day.

Sean: Dude, you gotta tell her.
Axl: Well, I can't tell her. She's my sister. What if she... cries or something? I can't comfort her. I think it's illegal.

Sue: [praying] Dear God, I know you have war and famine, and Justin Bieber's gone off the rails, but if you could please, please, please, just let us into Disney World...

Axl: No! No Kinko's. The only "K" place we're going is college.
[thinks]
Axl: Wait a minute.

Frankie: Axl, promise you won't freeze your sister's head and put it on somebody else's body.
Axl: I don't know that I can make that promise.

Axl: Somebody in our family better be dead right now, and not some weird cousin I've never met. I'm talking Dad, Brick, or Sue.

Frankie: Let's not think of it as camping. Let's think of it as outdoor family fun.
Brick: But we don't wanna go.
Frankie: Fine. Forced family fun.
Axl: You're dragging us into the woods against our will. That's kidnapping.
Mike: Hm. If we were gonna kidnap some kids, you'd be far down the list.

Sue: I got it! I am the 2013-2014 Junior Peer Leadership Adviser.
Frankie: Honey, that is so great.
Mike: So, they must have liked that essay.
Sue: Oh, turns out they didn't even read it. Nancy Seifried was hiding a teen pregnancy, and Karen Frick went into a depression because her parents got a divorce. I am walkin' on air! Whoo! Yeah!

Frankie: I am selling cars, I'm dyeing wool. Obadiah wants me to take a job as a schoolteacher because there's a drought and the corn isn't gonna save us this year. Even at my second job I have to get another job. I have two lives in two centuries and they both suck.

Sue: Axl, do people at school say they're "Going to prom" or "Going to the prom"? I've heard it both ways. What does Darrin say? We should probably match.
Axl: Oh, my God. You should say you're not going to the prom with Darrin. It's a crime against nature.
Sue: What is your problem? It's not like we're gonna make out or anything.
Axl: Ugh, yeah, thanks for that image.
Sue: Besides, if I was gonna crush on any or your friends, it'd totally be Sean.
Axl: Are you trying to make me puke?
Sue: Although, if Darrin and I really hit it off, we could end up getting married, and then I'd be Mrs. Sue... Darrin's last name. You and I would be related!
Axl: We are related.
Sue: The we'd be double related!

Frankie: People are going to be bringing food over to the house anyway.
Brick: Why?
Frankie: Because when somebody dies, you're not supposed to cook.
Axl: Why not?
Frankie: 'Cause you're not supposed to cook when you're sad.
Brick: Are you sad all the time, Mom?

Frankie: I cannot believe you wouldn't flip your sister.
Axl: It's embarrassing.
Frankie: Doesn't matter, Axl. You flip. You flip your family.
Axl: You weren't there.
[shows phone]
Axl: Look.
Frankie: Oh. You can't stop to flip your sister, but you have time to take a picture?
Axl: Worse. I got sent a picture of "Turtle Girl" by thirty-seven different people!
Frankie: [checking phone] Oh no.
Axl: Thank you! Do you get it now? Do you see how she is ruining my life?
Frankie: What about Turtle Girl's feelings? Do you ever think how Turtle Girl feels?
Axl: Turtle Girl never had anything to lose.
Sue: Stop calling me Turtle Girl!
Axl: I've worked too hard being too awesome, and Sue is not gonna drag me down to dorkdom with her.

Frankie: Brick found the book!
Brick: Oh, not the book. I found these coupons for half-off at The Pie House.
Frankie: Brick, look at my face. Do you have any sense of how angry I am right now?
Brick: Nothing pie wouldn't fix.
Frankie: I will kill you.
Sue: Okay, uh, no offense, Mom, but Orson is losing its number one Christian role model, and all you can think of is a dumb book.
Frankie: You have a dad, too. Why don't you tell him about any of this stuff? It wouldn't kill him to listen every once in awhile. Mike.
Mike: Hey! I listen plenty. But there's only so many hours in a day, and I got to spend most of them at work so I can pay off things like overdue library books. Brick.
Brick: It's not my fault I can't find the book. I live with the messiest person ever. Axl.
Axl: Hey, if I'm messy, it's because I'm crammed into half a room instead of having my own room in a mansion that we can't afford 'cause they put all our money into Sue's mouth!
Sue: Oh! And why do you think I need braces, Axl? It is because you drank all the milk that I was supposed to get to make my teeth strong and healthy. I never got one sip. You just drained Mom dry. That is why I have uncorrectable teeth and Brick is a foot shorter than he should be.
Axl: No! No! No! D-D-Don't blame that on me. He's short 'cause he's hunched over a book all the time. That's why all his growth spurts are this way.
[bends horizontally]
Axl: He keeps going, he's gonna be an "O".
Brick: Maybe I read all time 'cause Dad never took an interest in me. He's too busy coddling the milk hoarder.

Frankie: As I said, we could all use a minute. Let's just get a fried pie, couple fried marshmallows. There's a fried butter stand right in there. Come on.

Darrin: Mrs. Heck, you're giving her the first clue. You'll be here with doughnuts in the morning.
Frankie: Are you providing the doughnuts?
Darrin: Yeah.
Frankie: Better make it two boxes.

Axl: I mean, if I turtled like that at school, I would have packed it in and made Mom home-school me. But you're weird. You don't give up. You're like this dork optimist.

Sue: Axl's locker was down this hall, and he would never let me walk down it, even though I had a class here. I would have to go outside, and the old crossing guard would have to lift me up so I could crawl through the window.
Brad: Sue, we don't have a crossing guard.
Sue: Huh. Then who was that?

Axl: You know it's your fault she doesn't know. You said I couldn't text, and doing it in person is hard. I'm very sensitive.
Frankie: Well, Mr. Sensitive, she already bought a purple dress, so you're taking her!
Axl: I can't! Not with the second wave about to crash. You know, when the hot girls break up with their prom dates and are back on the market, desperate to go with anyone. And that's where I come in. "Hello, ladies", heh-heh.
Frankie: Heh-heh, well, "goodbye, ladies", 'cause you already got a date. Heh-heh.
Axl: Oh my God! You care about some girl you don't even know having a good time than your own son.
Frankie: Are you my own son? Because I didn't know my son was a jerk!
Axl: Well, that's where you're wrong!

Axl: I'm dying here, man. I'm crapping out in my real classes 'cause I'm spending so much time studying for a class I'm not even taking just to hook up with a girl. Now when I say it out loud, it does actually make sense.

Sue: Mom, be careful. That is my essay for the American Patriot Scholarship. I know I am going to get that one. No one loves America more than me. And here, check out my title - "Why I'm an Ameri-can, and Not an Ameri-can't - A.K.A. Red, White, and Sue".

Sue: Oh my God. Did you just eat that?
Frankie: Relax. Hm? There's hardly any left. You know, when I buy the good snacks...
Sue: Axl clipped his toenails in there. The chip bag. Axl clipped his toenails in the chip bag. You just ate Axl's toenails!

Brad: Who punches a guy while he's on his tippy toes? That's not how a dance fight works. I mean, seriously, where did that guy go to summer camp?

Mike: I'm just saying East Indiana State is closer. You gotta consider that. I still don't know how much they're gonna play you, but I like the package they're putting together.
Axl: I don't want to be closer. I want to be as far away from you people as possible. It's like when Tevye decided his town was too small, so he went on the flying car to New York to become a cop.
Mike: You do know that's three separate movies?

Sue: "Help", Brick? You know a bajillion words and that's the one you go with? "Help"?
Brick: No, I said "kelp".

Axl: That's democracy in action, Jackson!

Sue: Mom, I need your advice. I was super excited when Brad asked me to be his partner after his original partner got mono and his replacement partner tore a ligament, and nobody answered his ad in the school paper. But I'm afraid he's just asking me in order to rekindle our romance.
Frankie: Uh, you know, I don't think you have to worry about that too much.
Sue: Are you sure?
Brad: [calling out] Sue, I'm borrowing your leg warmers.
Frankie: Positive.

Sue: Maybe I'm just not meant to drive. My drive to drive drove my friends away. So I'm done being that driven to drive.

Frankie: Okay, listen, Mike, I was thinking. You know how we always say that only losers and sad, pathetic people go out to dinner for Thanksgiving?
Mike: So you're saying we're going out this year?

Sue: I got the Optimist's Scholarship. It's for a hundred dollars! I can't believe they picked me. Aah! The world is such a special place. I can hardly wait for the next moment.

Sue: I didn't think anybody was going to talk to me, so I choked.
Carly: Maybe we can save this. What'd you say?
Sue: I told her I had to poop. It wasn't a total lie. I kinda do. But I always kinda do. I think it's middle school.

Frankie: I don't get it, Brick. What are you so afraid of? What do you think is gonna happen?
Brick: We drive onto the bridge and suddenly there's a terrible cracking sound. The bridge collapses and the car's thrown into a lake. It fills with water and sinks like a big metal coffin. We struggle to get out, but underwater no one can hear our screams. We all shake with convulsions as the life leaves our bodies. Our bloated corpses go undiscovered for months, but when they're finally dragged out of the lake, they're unrecognizable 'cause fish have eaten out our eyeballs.
[whispers]
Brick: Eyeballs.

Frankie: Brick, are you okay? You haven't touched Doris' food.

Frankie: Oh, it's a picture of the Leilani Motor Lodge in South Dakota. It's where Aunt Edie honeymooned.
Mike: What? Was North Dakota closed?

Axl: It's true, Sue. Teachers are lazy. They know it only takes a day to do a project, but if they gave us assignments every day, they'd have to grade them every day. They don't want it; we don't want it. It's an unspoken agreement. Who are you to mess with the American educational system? We're not number one in the world for nothing. Suck it, China! That's why they gotta make all our stuff for us.

Frankie: Well, you know, Brick, you're at that age when boys and girls are starting to notice each other. You just might not be there yet.
Brick: Oh, I'm there. I'm definitely there.
Mike: You are?
Brick: Big time. There's this girl I really like - Harper.
Frankie: Really? Oh, wow, Brick. So what is it that you like about her? Is she into books like you?
Brick: No. Over the summer, she got her boobs.

Sue: So that's it? I win a contest, probably the biggest thing to happen to me in my life, and now we're just gonna - gonna go home? Wow. Even when I win, I lose.

Frankie: But we don't just hoard our own separate batteries. We have a place for batteries - the junk drawer.
Mike: Yeah. The house batteries go in the junk drawer.
Frankie: But there are never any house batteries in the junk drawer.
Mike: Exactly. I know how this place works. Open a pack of batteries, it's like throwing a loaf of bread to pigeons.

Brick: I hate this. If they want us to think outside the box, they should tell us exactly how.

Hutch: What happened to your sister? She used to be so nice.
Axl: It's the whole house. Happened ever since I went to college. Clearly, I was the one keeping everyone happy.

Sue: Okay, listen, Darrin. I've been thinking. That punch in the face was a real slap in the face.

Mike: I can't believe it. Even your dad has plans. He's trying to find out which pill makes him dizzy.
Sue: I'll go!
Frankie: What about that guy at the gas station? You guys chat.
Mike: That's a woman, and we're not close. I guess I'm down to asking Brick. Who am I kidding? He's not gonna want to go.
Sue: I'll go!
Mike: Go where?
Sue: To the game.
Frankie: There you go. Take Sue. Where's my stupid coat?
Mike: Uh, are you sure you want to go? These are floor seats, Sue, against Michigan. You gotta really watch the game.
Sue: I will. I promise!
Mike: Okay, fine, but from now on, speak up. I was this close to going with Tag.

Frankie: That's right, Mike. I almost consummated our marriage with Nicky Kohlbrenner.

Frankie: Welcome to Orson Heritage Village. My name is Rachel Moody Cochran. In 1816 I came by wagon train to this very town where I gave birth to all nineteen of my children, four of whom survived.
Obadiah: I'll be wanting another one come spring.

Mike: You're-You're in Scouts? Since when?
Brick: Joined a couple of weeks ago. Did I not tell you?
Frankie: You did not.
Brick: Then who did I tell?

Brick: Mom, you never told me church was based on a book.
Frankie: I assumed you knew. It's the number one best-selling book of all time.
Brick: Hm. Well, it's a real page-turner.

Sue: Axl chip-clipped my eye.
Mike: Axl!
Sue: It really hurts! But I left it on so you could see what he did to me.
Axl: It's her fault. I was aiming for her mouth, but she moved.
Frankie: Axl! What were you thinking? You could have really hurt your sister. And now the chips are gonna get stale!

Sue: Axl, get up. It's my turn. It's been more than twenty minutes.
Axl: Well, on land maybe. You don't know how long it's been up here. A minute Earth time is like an hour in the sky. Maybe you'll learn that if you ever get to high school.

Principal: Yes, once again negotiations with the bus drivers have stalled. Those big whiners are still holding out for a living wage. But, not to worry, we broke the janitors' union, and we will break these people, too.

Sue: But what if nobody ever loves me like that again?
Axl: Ugh. Why do you not listen to me? I told you before, guys could...
[sighs]
Axl: ... like you.
Sue: Really?
Axl: Trust me. I see a lot of girls where I go "How does she have a boyfriend", but you know what? They do, so why not you?

Frankie: [crying] I had a horrible Mother's Day!
Mike: What are you talking about? You said you had a great day.
Frankie: I lied. I couldn't find my glasses, and I shoved the spatula in the stuck drawer, and the freezer was all crusty, and I just frittered away the whole day. The whole day! And you guys had the best day ever in Brown County!
Mike: Oh, no, no. It wasn't that great. It was - It was hot, and it was crowded 'cause there were so many moms there.
[Frankie sobs]
Mike: No! That's not what I meant. Uh, we didn't have fun because we all missed you.
Frankie: Oh, please! Look at this picture! You have never been happier. It's as if you had the Mother's Day you would've had if I were dead!

[Brick is sorting out Valentine's Day cards for homework, and Mike grabs one from him]
Brick: Not the one with the lion on it.
Mike: Whoa. What's the big deal about this one?
[reading his card]
Mike: "I like you and I'm not lion." Ha, ha. Someone spent four years in college to come up with that.
Mike: That one's for Autumn Wagner.
Frankie: Oooh. So who's Autumn Wagner?
Brick: She has pink lips, and can do three cartwheels... in a row!
Mike: Wow. No wonder she gets a lion valentine.

Sue: [tearfully] Okay, I know you still hate me, and I know you think I'm not your sister anymore, but you didn't respond to my note, so I don't know what else to do because now you're going back up to school. And I was thinking - because I destroyed something so important to you, the only way to make it up to you is if I destroy something just as important to me. So, forgive me, Woofy Dog.
[sobs as she rips apart stuffed dog]
Sue: Everything just got so out of hand. I am not proud of it. I have never known my life without you, and I don't even want to think about what that would be like. And these last few days, when you said I wasn't your sister anymore, I honestly thought I was going to die!
Axl: Okay! Fine! Stop! God! You're my sister again.
Sue: Are you sure? Because there are some people who use the word "sister" and it doesn't really mean anything, and they just go off to college and they never see each other again, and they only call when it's time to put their parents in a home, or exchange Christmas cards, and that's it. But that's not the kind of sister I want to be. I want to be the kind of sister you call all the time, and we laugh at how crazy Mom's being. Ha ha ha ha ha! And your kids look a little like me, and my kids look a little like you, and we all go to Kings Island every year together and wear matching t-shirts.
Axl: I'll agree to everything, except the t-shirts.
Sue: No matching shirts. You got it.

Axl: How did I ask Weird Ashely to prom again? How?
Brick: Good news. Lennie just escaped.
Axl: She must have put some kind of spell on me. I bet she took one of my hairs from our bathroom.
Brick: Now Curly's organizing a mob, and they're going after him.
Axl: She's the weirdest girl in school and probably a witch, and now I'm going to prom with her two years in a row. I might as well marry her and get it over with 'cause it's not like I've got a choice in the matter.
Brick: He and George are hiding by a pond. Lennie's flipping out, but George is telling him about the rabbits. He says they're going to live on a farm and raise the rabbits. Lennie's hugging him.
Sue: Aw.
Brick: Curly and the boys are getting closer. George is pulling out a gun.
Axl: Whoa. He's gonna fight off the bad guys?
Brick: He just shot Lennie in the back of the head!
Sue: What?
Axl: No way!
Brick: This shouldn't be called "Of Mice and Men". It should be called "Of Men Killing Other Men"!

Sue: I went to the mall, and I almost got this shirt that said "I believe I can fly" that had a hippo with wings, but then the salesgirl said this is more what high school girls are wearing. Do I look mature?

Sue: Look, there is no reason we can't all win here. If you give me back my trophy, I'm willing to give you this replica of the Eiffel Tower my great-aunt brought me from Paris. The one in Las Vegas.

Sue: We have to do something to help. I gave up my trip, so they don't have to pay for it. And you guys better start thinking of ways we can save money, too.
Axl: No way! It's their fault. They don't know how to budget. They should've stopped having kids after me. You guys are the real money drain with your braces and your special school.
Brick: I don't go to a special school.
Axl: You don't?

Mike: Okay, what are the mandibular incisors?
Axl: Oh, my God. I have no idea!
Mike: That was for your mom.
Frankie: Oh, crap. I have no idea either. Pass.
Mike: [to Axl] What's the 12th Amendment revise?
Axl: Can I have the incisors question again?

Brick: Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. So now I need a therapist? Am I really that weird?
Frankie: Look, you're no weirder than you've ever been. It's just that suddenly the school seems to care.
Brick: Don't you think that's something we should talk about? What happened to "You're growing up, Brick. We should include you in the conversations, Brick."?
Mike: It's good for you, and it's free. You're doing it.

Axl: Mom! These chips are stale.
Frankie: [crying] I'm never gonna amount to anything. I'm a big, fat failure.
Axl: You know what? I like 'em.
Frankie: I don't know what I was thinking. I can't go back to school.
Axl: [eating] I like 'em chewy. They're like gum. They're like chip gum.
[spits out chips]

Mike: You're taking life advice from Sue? You've seen her life, right?

Sue: Something happened. I had reduced inhibitions. You don't know what I did. You didn't see it. I did a terrible, terrible thing. I don't even want to say. It was so horrible.
Frankie: Sue.
Sue: I twerked!

Mike: I didn't think you were ever gonna do anything. As long as I've known you, you've been all talk and no action. You found a rat's foot in a can of chili and never got around to writing a letter.

Sue: So, Dad, you're not going to believe this. Brad came up to me on the stairs and said the most shocking thing to me. He said he has a huge secret.
Mike: Uh, Sue, you know, I don't think it's that big a secret.
Sue: No, it is. Guess what he said? A boy likes me!
Mike: Brad said that?
Sue: Yeah, he said a boy likes me.
Mike: That's what Brad said?
Sue: Right.
Mike: Uh-huh. Now, when he said that was that Brad talking or you talking?
Sue: Dad, there's really only one way to take this. Brad said a boy likes me.
Mike: I don't think so. Who's "me" in this scenario?
Sue: Me.
Mike: "You" you or "you" Brad?
Sue: What?
Mike: Let's say you wrote it in a book. Would it say, "'A boy likes me,' said Brad."?
Sue: Why would a boy like Brad? Wh-why would Brad say a boy likes him? That doesn't make any sense.

Frankie: Oh my God! Somebody do something. It's a shantytown in here!

Frankie: Here you go. Jelly. Jelly's a fruit. Can't get much healthier than that.
Brick: We're out of bread.
Frankie: Even better. You eat it with a spoon, and the vitamins get to your brain faster.

Mike: Come on, Frankie, lighten up.
Frankie: No! You lighten up! All you've done this past week is smirk and laugh and make fun of me. And what have I done for you? Wipe your snot, carry your vomit, take you sneaker shopping 'cause your old ones weren't awesome enough. How dare Mom ever want anything for herself. To celebrate that a girl could start the day as a commoner and end it as a princess. "Oh, ha-ha. It's stupid. It doesn't matter." Well, it matters to me! Yeah. And I don't have to explain it or justify it to any of you. That's right, there's no historical significance. I just think it's pretty!
Mike: Jeez, Frankie, calm down. You're getting all bloodshot.
Frankie: Oh no. You just don't get the needs of the common people, do you, Mike? Pretzels aren't important, royal weddings aren't important. Oh no, not like football! Do I talk smack about all this Colts stuff that you get? No. But I buy one little plate and suddenly,
[flings hand, plate shatters]
Frankie: I'm crazy, I'm obsessed...
[tearfully leaves]
Axl: God, who knew she cared so much about the royal wedding? She should have said something.

Frankie: I was afraid they were gonna run out of Marines. There aren't that many of them, you know. It's right there in the motto - "The Few. The Proud." I gotta say, I thought you'd be more patriotic about this.
Mike: I am being patriotic. These people fight for our country. Haven't they been through enough?

Tag: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I-I didn't get my turn. I was gonna tell a story about how when I was stationed in Korea...
Pat: You were a file clerk.
Tag: Hey, there was a lot of tension in that office!

Reverend: You know, I-I don't think fake giggling while being tickled counts as a sin.

Brick: Who schedules a kiss? You know what else is scheduled? Executions. What I wouldn't give to be a complacent married couple right now.
Mike: Lots of kisses led up to this freedom.

Axl: Look at this table! When I get rich, I'm gonna buy one of these and never use it!

Frankie: We came here to have family fun, and that's what we're gonna do.
Axl: So you're finally going to let us go over to the Winnebago and watch TV?
Frankie: No. We're playing a board game that I brought.
Axl: Ugh. Even in the woods we're the poorest people!

Frankie: Axl, you don't know who you asked?
Axl: I had a system. Go down a list of chicks, text them one by one - but you got me this cheap phone with tiny buttons, so I texted some random Ashley girl by mistake, who said yes, and I don't even know who she is. Way to go, Mom.

Tag: I asked you to do one thing. Pack my gingko biloba.
Pat: They're your gingko biloba. You want 'em, you gotta pack 'em. You're a grown man, for God's sake.
Tag: They're for my memory! How the hell am I supposed to remember 'em if I don't take 'em?

Frankie: I am not hauling my butt to court to pay some 180-buck fine for a stupid book that you're too lazy to look for. So stop screwing around and find it. You do not want to mess with me. I already have a record, people, I got nothing to lose.

Axl: Oh my God. Sorry I'm so broken, you had to have Sue's guitar dude over to fix me!

Frankie: Wake up! Wake up!
Mike: Frankie, what's going on?
Frankie: Sue's got her period and there's a bear outside!
Sue: Mom!
Axl: Oh! What's with the screaming?
Frankie: There's a bear, and Sue got her period!
Axl: What?
Frankie: Run, run. Everybody get to car.
[running]
Frankie: Bear! Bear! My daughter got her period! Everybody run! Run away!
Mike: Really, Sue, now?
Sue: I couldn't help it.
Frankie: It's a girl with her period! There have been studies! Make way!
Sue: Mom! You said you weren't gonna tell!

Sue: I was at the orthodontist's office and in this travel magazine there was this little card you had to fill out with "I love 'blank' York" and mail it in. I put "New", and I guess I was right. Phew. So lucky. I was this close to saying "Michael".

[with two Glossner boys in each arm]
Nancy: I am taking you boys home, cooking you a good meal, making you watch "Little House on the Prairie," and getting you to bed at a decent hour!

Frankie: Jeez, Brick, what do you got in here? This thing weighs a ton.
Brick: Well, I told you, there's been a measurable increase In workload now that I'm in third grade. It's really cutting into my reading time.

Frankie: Wait - those are your directions?
Axl: It's a napkin with a map on it. It's a map-kin. Later.

Frankie: Axl! Darrin told the waiters to sing "Happy Birthday" to Dad.
Axl: Oh my God! He's killed us all!

Axl: [upon noticing that Frankie failed to pick Brick up from the bus stop] And the Oscar for Worst Mother goes to...

Axl: God! Why are you so focused on me? I liked it better last year when Grandma and Grandpa were here.
Mike: Hey. Don't even joke about that.

Sue: I'm Sue Heck, captain and head Wrestlerette. Now, I have to warn you girls right up front, you're not all gonna make the squad. As many as one of you won't.

Frankie: Knock it off, guys. Stop throwing things in the house.
Axl: Why'd you buy fruit if you don't want us to throw it?
Frankie: I didn't buy it. I took it from the Holiday Inn lobby when I stopped to use the bathroom.

Brick: Now, you don't need to know all of them. Just pick one. That way if someone talks to you about a particular artist, you respond by saying "That's interesting that you like this artist, but I like 'blank'.".
Axl: Hm. Great. Perfect. Now, just show me this Blank dude's stuff, and let's kick art's sorry ass! Ha-ha.

Frankie: Wow, you actually beat Sean?
Axl: Yeah, he stayed up studying for our geometry final while I completely ignored it and just studied the lifeguard stuff. And I thought he was supposed to be smart. Sucker! Also, I might have bit him.

Axl: Get in the unemployment line, 'cause you just got Axed!

Axl: Uh, how many times have you taken 11th grade English? Because I've taken it twice now, so I think I know a little bit more than you.

Ruth: I thought the world was gonna end on Thursday, so I didn't get you anything. It felt impractical.
Sue: That's okay.
Becky: I got you this coupon for one free beat-up of the person of your choice. You can watch or not. It's your call.

Brick: How messed up am I that my brother who's taking an introduction to psychology class can't fix me?

Sue: That's it. We're gonna get an "F". I'm the kid who gets "F"s now. That's who I am. Maybe I'll just get a tattoo.
Axl: That's it? You're just gonna give up? Oh, my God, what is your problem? It's not even due yet, we've got, like, five minutes. We can do this.

Frankie: Brick wants to go to Don's Oriental Food.
Axl: Ugh. No way. No foreign food. I want spaghetti.

Brick: I need to find out how it all pans out between Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher. And also who Eddie Fisher is.

Frankie: Mike, we can't have a wedding at this house. I'm too ashamed to even open the door for the UPS guy.

Mike: So, I didn't read the book, but I assume the guy ends up shooting Morrie?

Mike: Wasn't there a picture?
Frankie: Yes... that made it look like a regular table in a regular room. I mean, come on, that is not how you take a picture of a doll table. This is how you take a picture of a doll table. You take a table, you take a pen, you put them next to each other. The person looking at the picture says, "Oh, this table's only as big as a pen, I can't have Thanksgiving dinner on it."

Sue: I wish I could ask you in, but that's the price you pay when you're keeping your relationship a secret.
Darrin: No, you're right. Once everyone finds out, it always seems to get messed up. It's like people are threatened by our joy.
Sue: That's why it's critical that absolutely no one finds out about us.
[bursts into house]
Sue: I'm in love with Darrin and I need to shout it from the rooftop!
Frankie: Wait - what?
Sue: We didn't want anyone pulling us apart, so we've been keeping it a secret. It's been so hard!
Frankie: How long has this been going on?
Sue: Since prom last night. I just think about Darrin all the time. And when he's not around, I just miss him so much. How do you bear the burning ache when you're apart from Dad all day?
Frankie: I'm not gonna say it's easy.

Frankie: [voiceover] I'm telling ya. Those Duggars have it right. Let the kids police each other.

Brick: [as bear rocks car] We're all gonna die!
Mike: All right. Everyone quiet! I'll handle this.
[to bear]
Mike: Hey!
Frankie: "Hey"? That won't even get the Glossners off our front lawn.

[Sue made her own "jumping meter" for volleyball practice]
Sue: Hey, mom. Hey, dad. W-we're seeing who can jump higher. I made the jumping meter myself.
[she jumps and hits a level]
Sue: Yeah!
Frankie: Ooh, that's clever.
Sue: Dad, try.
Mike: [easily taps the top level with his finger] I win.
Frankie: Well, that's not fair. You're 17 feet tall.

Frankie: People lie, Mike, they lie. You can't show anyone who you really are until they're stuck with you. That's love.

Sue: You know, I've tried and tried with you guys all year. You guys have no bus spirit. And you know what? I am a jolly good fellow. You guys aren't. You are bad fellows.
[boy raises hand]
Sue: Yes, Brian?
Brian: I think I speak for all of us when I say please, pass that test.

Axl: Well, they said it wasn't possible for me to miss 32 days of senior year and still graduate. Now who seems like the idiot?

Sue: Be heartless. Got it. We can't use this box for garbage. This is the box my high chair came in.

Brick: The only person who wanted the bunnies was a man who worked at The Frugal Hoosier. On a related note, I do not think Mom should buy chicken there anymore.

Sue: I'm sorry. I just had to say that can you believe in a year from now I won't even be here?
Mike: [sleepily] Why don't you go back to your room now, so we can start getting used to what that feels like?

Mike: Yeah. Floor seats to the Michigan game. Corporate just sent them over to me for going six months without a workplace injury.
Jim: Well, what about when the salt from that pretzel slit my tongue?
Mike: You can submit forms all day, Jim. You're not getting workman's comp.
Jim: Sure, make light. I still can't drink orange juice.

Frankie: I just think it's rude. You're having fun in the middle of the night without me. You're cheating on me with fun.
Mike: [laughs] Frankie, come on. You make a big deal of the smallest things. It's a freezer-burned steak. Here, you want a bite?
Frankie: No, I don't want a bite. I want to be invited by my husband to have dinner with him. You know, this is worse than an affair.
Mike: What?
Frankie: Yeah. I could understand if there was someone prettier or younger than me, but you're more interested in nobody. That hurts.

Axl: [after Brick breaks the lawnmower] Easy. Just blame the Glossners.
Brick: If only. One of the things I jammed in there was a bookmark.
Axl: Oh, Brick, seriously? That's like the Penguin leaving his umbrella.

Brick: Okay. Do you know how embarrassing it is to show up at an awards ceremony wearing the same outfit as another woman? Drive.

Sue: Well, you know how I had an overbite-crossbite? Seems they overcorrected, and now I have an underbite-overbite.
Frankie: Is that even a thing?
Sue: The doctor says it's unprecedented. I'm devastated. This is a catastrophe.
[throws self on couch]
Sue: Ow. Ow. Ow. I can't even hurl myself!

Axl: Check me out! I just read this whole book cover to cover.
Mike: Wow. First "Cat in the Hat", and now this.

Frankie: Oh, well. Not everybody passes the first time.
Sue: Yeah. Apparently, they have this list of infractions that if you do any of them, it's an automatic fail.
Frankie: Mm.
Sue: Speeding, failing to obey signs, backing over a curb, running off the road...
Frankie: What did you do?
Sue: All that.
Mike: She even clipped the side of the building. They're adding that to the list for next year.

Sue: I'm so confused. I tried what you said about being whoever I wanted to be. I changed my name to "Suki". I changed my hair. I wrote right-handed. But it only made things worse. I went from being invisible to being mistaken for an Asian flu.

Frankie: We gotta find someone to take care of Aunt Edie. If not, she may have to move in here.
Mike: Look harder.
Frankie: I'm worried, Mike. She almost set her house on fire.
Mike: Oh, well, then definitely move her in here.

Frankie: Come on, let's just check out our choices. We have trees with lights already on. Trees that look like they're covered in snow. And, you know, it's good for the environment 'cause they're made out of plastic.
Sue: I like the pink one.
Mike: This is the tree we're gonna have until we die. It's not going to be pink.
Brick: Fake trees are weird. They don't smell like Christmas.
Axl: If being weird was a reason not to take things home, we would have left you at the hospital.
Brick: You did.

Brick: This is my big night, too. I've looked like Ernie and/or Bert for the last ten years. I finally look snazzy and I am showing it off.

Frankie: You made the tennis team?
Sue: Well, I didn't make it per se. The coach thought I was on the team. I tried to tell him that I wasn't, but then he realized that he didn't have enough players, so, without me, they would have lost the match.
Mike: So you won?
Sue: Oh, God, no. On the last point, I hit what my coach called "a very weak lob", and my opponent hit what he called "a blistering overhead smash".
Frankie: Is that how you hurt your face?
Sue: No. A bird flew in the bus window on the way home. I never saw it coming. Beaks are sharp.

Brick: Axl, this is completely illegible.
Axl: Thank you. My teacher said he couldn't even read it.

Brad: [on phone with Sue] Everyone in school got out of Math and English to go to the gym to watch four college a cappella groups have a sing-off. I totally think The Testostitones are gonna take it. Also, reporters are here, and Carly and I got interviewed for the six o'clock news. I gotta get back in there, Sue. They're handing out free ice cream!

Sue: All I know is I am finally working at a fast food stand in the mall, which is awesome, but now my dream is turning into a nightmare! I won't be selling delicious Idaho potatoes with your choice of 34 different toppings. I'll be selling lies!

Axl: So, what do you think, huh?
Brick: I thought we were doing a second story.
[looks inside igloo]
Brick: Where's the reading nook? I was hoping it would be next to the hearth.
Axl: A hearth? Oh my God, this is like the first thing I've actually finished in my entire life and you don't even appreciate it. Not very "orange-y" of you, is it, Brick?

Frankie: Look, Brick, the fact that you stink is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's just your hormones waking up and telling you things are changing in there.
Brick: Yeah, lately I notice when I wear corduroys, I...
Frankie: N-N-No need to go into details. Now, I know you recently expressed an interest in girls, and if you want that interest reciprocated, you're gonna have to put in a little effort.
Brick: Like you and Dad do?
Frankie: Like me and Dad used to do.

Mike: I promise you, nobody's breaking in here. Think about it. Joe's Subs has two things we don't - money and good food.

Brick: [reading] "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck. "A few miles south of Soledad the Salinas River drops in close to the hillside - "
Axl: You can't read every word. Just give me the highlights. And keep an ear out for when the mice come in. I think they're gonna be important.

Frankie: This is the Super Bowl times a million, plus crowns; so nobody relapse. Not this weekend.
Mike: Frankie, I got some bad news. We're not British.
Axl: Yeah, we won the Civil War, so we don't have to care.

Frankie: You did have the talk with him, didn't you?
Mike: I thought so. I-I can't remember.
Frankie: You must have, 'cause I know I talked to Sue. Didn't I?
Mike: I don't know. But I definitely talked to Axl. Hang on.
Frankie: Well, that's what school is for.

Sue: What are you doing? Why are you sitting here?
Axl: Relax. I just want to talk. I'm, uh, kind of wondering what it's like to try something and fail, which is why I'm coming to you - the biggest failure I know.
Sue: Aww. Wait. Did you try at something?
Axl: What? No. Shut up!
Sue: You did! You tried at something. Is it ventriloquism? Is it yoga? Is it trying to get a butterfly to land on your finger?
Axl: No. What do you ev - ? Look, fine. I tried at school, okay?
Sue: Axl, that's amazing. Isn't it just so fun to try your hardest? So what's the problem?
Axl: The problem is I'm waiting for them to post the grades. You know, I've always been maybe a smart guy who didn't apply himself. But if I apply myself and fail, I might just be dumb.
Sue: So then you'll try again.
Axl: You know what, Sue? Your advice sucks. You failed at this conversation.
Sue: Well, I'm gonna keep trying!

Axl: No, you don't understand. I haven't eaten in four days. I went full bear mode. I literally have had nothing but a handful of Chex mix and a plum in the last 96 hours. Let's just go. Let's leave him here.
Frankie: Yeah, that's a great idea, Axl. We've just been accused of treating him like he's invisible and now you're suggesting we ditch him.
Mike: We can't, right?
Frankie: Mike!
Mike: What? We got our worst player in there. We're never gonna get out of here.
Sue: This is terrible. If we're in trouble with Reverend Deveaux, we're in trouble with God. You know they talk.

Sue: Again? No! It's rigged!
Frankie: It's not rigged, Sue.
Sue: Then how come the Wheel of Pain always lands on me?
Mike: Tonight, or life in general?

Brick: [at book club] Sorry, Margie, just not my cup of tea. I don't think I'm the target audience. Really looking forward to "Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood", though.
[whispers]
Brick: Ya-Ya.

Janet: She's a nightmare. The only break I get is when she holds her breath and passes out.

Sue: [awakened by Axl] I have a gun! No, I don't believe in guns. I have a stick!
Axl: God. You're even a dork when your life is threatened.

Axl: God, if you don't want to do anything for us, why'd you even have kids?
Mike: 'Cause babies are cute. If you had come out teenagers, we might've had to rethink.

Mike: You took Sue to the Ice Capades, and never thought about asking Axl.
Frankie: Oh, yeah. Like I'm going to get Axl to put on pants to watch princesses skate on ice.
Mike: You don't know. He might have loved it. Could have taken up skating, become a gold medalist, bought us a house.
Frankie: No, no. Don't try to turn this on me. Face it, you don't have a leg to stand on.
Mike: Oh, I got legs - two of them, just like Axl - that might have been perfect for ice skating. Only we'll never know 'cause you took Sue to Ice Capades.
Frankie: Hey, I still do stuff with Axl. When is the last time you did anything like that with Sue?
Mike: Hey, I spend time with Sue. I watched her play volleyball, Frankie. Got her checked out at the emergency room.
Frankie: I'm jut saying, you don't know where she works. You have no idea what JP-LA is.
Mike: Nobody does.

Brick: Well, I did it. I completed your challenge.
Frankie: Challenge? What challenge?
Brick: I ate all my candy in 24 hours just like you said.
Mike: You told him to eat all his candy?
Frankie: No.
Brick: You said I had to finish it.
Frankie: No, I didn't.
[to Mike]
Frankie: I thought he would eat some, get sick, and not want the rest. You know, like when someone starts smoking and you force them to smoke an entire carton of cigarettes.
Mike: Not really helping your case for Mother of the Year.
Frankie: How in the world could you possibly have eaten all that candy?
Brick: It wasn't easy, but I powered through.
Frankie: There's nothing left? Not even a Tootsie Roll? You know, for the soldiers.

Axl: Starving.
[Frankie hands him large box]
Axl: A box? Okay, this is officially the second worst breakfast you've ever made.

Frankie: I'm serious, Mike. I'm sick of that school. They're falsely accusing Brick, they had no idea who Sue was, and God knows what they did to Axl. They made us feel like bad parents, and we are not bad parents.
Sue: Should I describe myself as loyal...
Frankie: Not now, Sue!

Frankie: You think I'm just gonna walk out of here? That I'm just gonna quit because you told me to? Well, let me tell you something about myself - I... am a quitter. A lifelong quitter. Girl Scouts? Quit. Piano lessons when they started with two hands? Quit. Working out at Curves? Quit in the middle of signing up for the membership. So, if I quit - and, yeah, I might if it gets too hard - I'm gonna do it on my terms. It might be tomorrow. It might be next week. It might be the week after! But definitely not today.

Sue: The cross country end of year banquet is coming up and they're holding it at the high school because our multi-purpose room has mold, and guess who's getting MVP?
Mike: Uh...
Sue: Me.
Frankie: Oh wow!
Sue: And I get to pose in the yearbook and everything. And I'll finally have a trophy to put on the mantel. It is a huge honor.
Mike: Wow. M.V.P. That still means most valuable player, right?
Sue: [nods] Oh, and you'll need to give them forty dollars by Thursday.
Mike: Forty bucks? For what?
Sue: The trophy. I can't believe I won. Aah!

Axl: Dudes, it's, like, a totally lame assignment. I mean, we're only juniors. What kind of big, life-changing event could we have even had?
Sean: I know, it sucks. I'm probably just going to write about the time I got trapped under the ice at Patoka Lake. That counts, right?
Axl: What?
Darrin: Yeah, I can't decide between the time I helped deliver my baby sister at the carpet store or the time I was pronounced dead for two minutes when I was six. What do you guys like better?

[Axl knocks on the door to the apartment and when Lexie answers, he kisses her]
Axl: Wow. You really need to brush your teeth.
Lexie: [shocked, cups hand over mouth] Oh, God.
[Lexie turns and runs in the other direction, Axl goes after her and pulls her back to him in a sliding motion]
Axl: I don't care.
[they kiss again]

Wendell: Looks like the incident of January 10th is not covered under Acts of God.
Mike: What?
Frankie: What? A tree branch fell down on our car. How is that not an Act of God? Tree - made by God, blown down by the wind - more God. That's actually double Act of God. We should be getting two checks.

Axl: Oh, by the way, good news... I've picked my major. Sue, dork roll, please.
[imitates drum roll, cymbal crash]
Axl: Buddhist studies! Booyah! Or should I say "Buddha-yah."
Mike: Really? You're a Buddhist now?
Axl: No, I'm not a Buddhist. I'm studying them. It's Buddhist studies.

Sue: Axl, ever since we got home, I can't stop thinking about Aunt Edie.
Axl: [sighs] that bone spur thingy on her foot?
Sue: No, but ew.
Sue: You know what we need to do? We should totally take her to dig up that old time capsule!
Axl: Yeah, I'd love to drive my dor sister and senile Aunt around, then dig hole. Let's go!

Mike: How'd this happen?
Rusty: Eh, well, I was running the hot plate about four weeks ago and I noticed that one of the cords was frayed. I kept telling myself "Keep your eye on that", but, wouldn't you know it, I fell asleep face down with a cigarette in my mouth. I blame myself partially.

Axl: Just put your mouth on her mouth. And remember this code I made up - "Keep it simple, stupid."
Brick: Oh, I get it. K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid.
Axl: Oh, yeah. I never thought about that. Wow! I am good.

Axl: I mean, your whole life people are telling you "Next year you're going to third grade", then "You're going to high school", then "You're going to college", and then Bam! People stop telling you what you're supposed to do and you're just supposed to figure it out. And all I know is my Dad still ties my ties. I mean, how am I supposed to be a businessman if I can't even tie my own ties?

Axl: I hope you know you sent me to the dumbest school in the world.
Mike: It seemed like a good fit.

Sue: I just don't know what is going on in his head. He is such a rebel. I mean, yes, he does have a really good smell to him, and you wouldn't expect something like that from a Glossner. It's like honey and danger.

Brick: Ugh, thank God that's over.
Mike: Oh, right. How'd the big talk go?
Brick: Well, the nurse made us watch a movie where a boy kept running around a track. It was boring, so Dylan Murray made an inappropriate shadow puppet, and everybody giggled and the nurse yelled at us.
Mike: Yep. Sounds about right.
Brick: Then the girls came back in, and they had little pink gift bags that we didn't get, and-and that doesn't seem fair.
Frankie: Well, at least you got through it.
Brick: Not really. They're making us have a follow-up discussion next week. When does all this sex stuff end?
Frankie: It... tapers off.
Brick: Okay. Well, I guess I'll go look at your bras now. I'm not sure why, but, apparently, it's totally normal. And you guys are always after me to be normal, so...

Axl: Rematch!
Brick: I've already given you a hundred rematches. I'm retiring my paddle.
Axl: Okay, just hear me out. If you beat me, I'll do your homework for a month.
Brick: Thanks, but I'd like to see the fifth grade.
Axl: Okay. I won't make you do my homework for a month.
Brick: Throw in this guitar pick, and you're on.
Axl: Fine. But what do you want my pick for?
Brick: Oh, I like to lick it. This way I don't have to do it in secret anymore.

Pat: Are you okay, honey?
Frankie: She's fine. Right, Sue? Aren't you fine?
Sue: Yep! Yep. Super fine. I'm gonna go to my room now for normal reasons.

Brick: It's my teacher Mr. Wilkerson. He's a man. I like women. I like their bosoms.
Mike: We all do, Brick, but right now you're in a bosomless situation. You gotta make the best of it.
Brick: But when he asks you a question, he throws the answer ball. If I have to catch a ball, it's gonna be a long year.

Frankie: We dropped the ball. He didn't learn to play. He can't make friends. He's gonna miss his childhood. And it's all our fault.
Mike: Let's just take a step back a second. Is childhood really that great?

Sean: I got to bounce in a minute. Spanish test Tuesday. I got to study.
Axl: Crap! There's a test Tuesday? How are we supposed to know? She writes everything on the board in Spanish.

Frankie: I don't know, Mike. I just feel like with Axl, if I don't push him, nothing gets done and he fails. But if I do push him, he freaks out and fails. What're we supposed to do?
Mike: I don't know. Maybe we should just write him off and let him be a cautionary tale for the other two.

Mike: If you didn't want to take away Sue's party, you never should have put it on the Wheel of Pain.
Frankie: I was just so sure it was gonna land on Axl. I kinda made his slice a little bigger.

Axl: You know, you only focus on the bad things I do. I'm smart in a lot of ways. You just never see it.
Frankie: Whatever. Have fun in Tennessee.
Axl: I'm in Tennessee?

Ms. Dunlap: This photo montage is the only thing the principal doesn't have her stinkin' paws all over. And if you mess it up, I will make your life a living hell. I have connections in middle school, and I can make sure you get the smelliest locker and the meanest teacher and extra gym.
Brick: Oh, no.

Frankie: Was it irresponsible of him to lose that book? Yes. But books are his only friends. Tell him, Brick.
Brick: Well, I have made a few new friends. I mean, they don't invite me to do stuff, but I stand near them and they don't ask me to go away.

Axl: I really don't know why you love me so much. I've done nothing to deserve it.

Woman: Did I mention I once did a yoga retreat where I spent two days in the warrior pose? Might as well give up now, sweetheart.
Sue: Really? You think I should give up? Let me tell you something about me. I never, ever give up. I have not made a hundred things, but I still try out. When they tell me I didn't make the team, I ask to be manager. When there are no parts in the play for me, I ask to make the programs. The more I fail, the stronger I get. My whole life has led me to this moment! So I will stand here on my one burning leg for as long as it takes, so, ha! Ha, ha, ha.
[gasps]
Sue: Ah, I think I just swallowed a fly. But I am still not giving up!
Woman: Oh, you can't beat crazy.

Axl: Come on, Brick. What do you want me to say? I can't rewind time. I can't undo what I did. I messed up. I'm sorry. Just be my brother again, all right? I can't be alone with these people.
Brick: I don't play sports. I don't exactly have a ton of friends. I have books. You don't read. You don't understand. You don't know what it's like to live in different worlds, to travel on great adventures through the galaxy with people you know better than you know your own family. To live and die with them. Have you ever loved anything? Do you have any idea?
[grabs books]
Brick: These are my friends, Axl, my best friends in the world. You took away something from me that I can never get back. You took it, and you wrecked it.

Frankie: We're going full Oprah. Everything goes outside in the yard. Nothing comes back through the front door unless you convince me that you truly love it and need it.
Axl: Sue, go outside.

Sue: This is the moment we've been waiting for our entire lives.
Ruth: The Rapture?
Sue: No, Ruth. But that's a biggie, too.

Frankie: You know what? Maybe we've just said everything we've had to say to each other. You wanted to bring it. I wanted to bring it. Maybe there's just nothing to bring.
Mike: This is why we should never leave the couch. Let the cable company bring it.
Frankie: That's fine for now, but when the kids leave, it's just gonna be you and me, and we're not gonna have anything to talk about. Then we're just gonna be two old people staring at each other.
Mike: We won't be alone. Brick will be here jumbling up our meds.

Sue: Picking a keychain! Which one do you guys like? I've been collecting them over the years, and now that I'm gonna drive, it's finally time to choose. This one's "I 'heart' New York". I've got, like, four "Brown County" ones. This one says "I'm going commando". I don't really get it, but I do support the military.

Frankie: [narrating] This was it. The moment she'd been waiting for. The moment Sue'd finally get the recognition she deserved.
Mr. Sholin: Our perfect attendance award recipient - Barb Heckie.

Frankie: Okay, you're getting pretty hard to believe, Sue. You're the girl who cried, "Sure." Get it done!

Sue: I don't know what happened. Ah, I was just doing the scavenger hunt and then suddenly he gets down on one knee, and there was a tiny house, and I think he might have asked me to marry him!
Mike: What? You think he what?
Frankie: Mike, she says she thinks he might have asked.
Sue: No, he definitely did.
Brick: Whoop!
Frankie: Oh my God, oh my God.
Mike: I'm gonna kill him.
Brick: [whispering] Kill him. Uh-oh. I've never whispered someone else's sentence before. That's concerning.

Sue: [droning] And in meet 30, I really hit my stride.
Frankie: Sue, get up. Your shift's over.
Sue: But-but it seems like I just got here.
Business: You heard your mom. Get up.

Sue: I know you said not to look at Yelp, Brad, but I did.
Brad: Oh, Sue. I have an advance copy of the yearbook. Don't look at that either.

Brick: STUPID CLOVER!

Frankie: You know, every time Nancy Donahue said "Axl's so polite at our house", I assumed she was lying to spare my feelings. And once your English teacher wrote "A pleasure to have in class" on the back of your report card. I thought it was a typo. But you are a pleasure, aren't you?
Axl: Okay. Liking the words, confused about the bulging neck veins.
Frankie: They're bulging because I'm wondering how you can be all charming and Colin Firth-y with this guy and Nancy Donahue and God knows who else. How come you never bring your best for us, huh?
Axl: Oh, like you bring your best for us.
Frankie: Wait, what? I bring my best. I bring my best 24/7.
Axl: Yeah, right. I don't see you bringing me dip and lemonade. It's always "I'm too tired. Make your own lunch." Well, the color of the pot is black vis-a-vis the kettle.
Frankie: We're not talking about me. We're talking about you. Ugh. You were so amazing tonight, I can't even look at you.
Mike: I know.
[angrily]
Mike: Nice job!

Axl: I call their dresser!
Sue: Why do you get the dresser? You don't need a dresser. You're a head, remember? You don't have clothes.
Axl: Neither do you. You're a head on a dude's body.
Sue: Mom! He's gonna do it. He's still gonna freeze my head.
Brick: Don't worry, Sue. I'll be here. I'll make sure.
Sue: Thank you.
Axl: Unless you die in your sleep.
Brick: Mom!

Frankie: Look at this, you guys. It's a triple feature. "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", "Fiddler on the Roof", and "Serpico".
Mike: Mm. Two bucks a car. It makes sense.
Sue: I've never even heard of any of those movies. You never said they were going to be old movies.
Frankie: They're not old. They're classic.
Axl: Classic is code for lame. I mean, how could it not be. The first one has chitty right in the title.

Sue: Of course, it would make sense that Axl would be your favorite. You spend more time with him, and he's a boy and everything, and I've got to own that.
Mike: Sue, he's not my favorite. It's just a dumb thing I said.
Sue: [hand up] Owning it. But it's not enough to just own it. I have to fix it. And that's why I'm declaring this "The Summer of Sue and Dad".
Mike: Wow. That's a... big book.
Sue: Yes, it is. And you and I are gonna fill every single page with special memories we make starting now.
[snaps picture]
Sue: Ahh! Adorbs. I'm gonna go print it out right now!
Mike: Okay.
Frankie: Infinite love. Could have been so easy.

Frankie: Yep. We have the whole summer in front of us.
Brick: I'm bored.

Frankie: Look, Aunt Ginny lived a long, full life and she died in her sleep. I think we can all take comfort in that.
Brick: How is that comforting? I sleep every night. I'd be more comforted if she died in a hang gliding accident.
Mike: No, in your sleep is what you're shooting for. You just close your eyes and never wake up. You never even know.
Brick: You never even know?
Frankie: The point is she looked good.
Mike: She really did.
Frankie: And she's in a beautiful spot.
Sue: She really is.
Axl: Well, I'm never ending up in a place like that, I'll tell you that right now.
Mike: If you figure out how to avoid it, let us know.
Axl: I already did. I'm gonna be frozen.
Frankie: You're gonna be frozen?
Sue: Ew, Axl!
Axl: Relax. Not my whole body. I'm just gonna freeze my head.
Mike: You're not freezing your head.
Axl: What? Think about it. I'm pretty awesome. If I go, the world's gonna want me back. So, I'll just freeze my head, and then when they come up with a cure for whatever I died of, they'll unfreeze me.
Sue: That's creepy. How can you be sure your head will ever get put back on your right body?
Axl: If I were you, I'd want my head to be put on somebody else's body.

Mike: Knock off the whooping.
Brick: The whooping? That's what this is about? I thought it was about the other thing.
Mike: The whispering?
Brick: No, I have to say the Pledge of Allegiance twenty times before I go to bed.
[whispers]
Brick: Pledge of Allegiance.

Brick: Lennie's freaking out because he killed the puppy. Now Curly's wife is trying to calm him down. She's letting him stroke her hair. It's working. He's calming down. Oh, he just snapped her neck.

Axl: We don't listen to you guys when you're alive, what makes you think we're going to pay attention to your death napkin?

Sue: Oh no! He's so little - he's gonna be like an appetizer!

Brick: I've got my bridge project due tomorrow.
Frankie: What bridge project?
Brick: We have to build a bridge out of Popsicle sticks.
Frankie: And you're just starting now?
Brick: No, I'm not. I've been eating Popsicles for a week.
Frankie: Brick, we could have just bought the sticks, and you could have been using this time to build the actual bridge.
Brick: What? You could have told me that before I went up a pants size.

Frankie: Oh, I'm blind. Why is this happening to me? All I wanted was to have tea and scones and watch the royal wedding, and now I can't open my eyes and - ahh, my tears can't even get out!

Axl: I really like her. I don't know what it is, but I just want to spend every day with her, you know. I just wanna be with her all the time. You ever feel like that about anybody?
Mike: Yeah. My old cat at the quarry. And your mom, of course.

Sue: I did it. I put myself and countless others at risk, but it was worth it!

Brick: Maybe your business is spending more time with your little brother. Think about it. You'll be going off to college in 1 to 3 years.
Axl: Huh. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should spend more time with the less fortunate. Like how Jesus chilled with the lepers.

Axl: I didn't even like him back then, but you said, "You better find something to like 'cause I like Mrs. McGrew."
[gasps]
Axl: Oh, my God. Her name's gonna be Sue Sue McGrew.

Frankie: [Letter written to the principal] Dear Principal Larimer, I'm writing to bring your attention to an issue and concern to me as a parent. It regards one of your teachers, Ms Rinsky. I have tried repeatedly to have an open dialogue with her about my son's education but she has been completely uncaring and dismissive. Today, more than ever, don't we need teachers that are caring and missive. Her teaching skills in math don't add up. Maybe because when she was born the numbers only went up to ten. If you want to schedule a parent teacher conference with her, good luck! Your best bet is scheduling it with the bartender at Beefsteak Charlie's. Glug Glug. Is this the kind of teacher you want at your school? One who instead of nurturing our children, uses mind games and intimidation. She would have made a fine Nazi. Maybe she was. What do we really know about her? Mike and Sue Heck

Axl: Okay, here are my top picks of the bereavement food. Lemon bars are wicked good. Macaroni salad was a solid "6". But whoever brought the giant cookie - ugh. It was nasty. Ugh.
Brick: Axl! That wasn't a cookie. That was my Indiana dough map project for school.
Mike: Damn it, Axl. You ate your brother's project?
Axl: Well, why'd he put it on the counter with the bereavement food?
Brick: I didn't. I put it on the counter and people put the bereavement food around it.
Axl: Pfft. Whatever. I think I did you a favor, anyway. It needed sugar.

Frankie: Axl, put your shoes on.
Axl: Can't. I forgot'em.
Frankie: What? You forgot shoes? How does a person forget shoes?
Axl: How does a person forget a snack bag? I guess the shoes I'm not wearing are now on the other foot.

Axl: So, it's like this kid's born, and he starts to grow up, and he wants to be just like his dad.
Brick: And they have a cat?
Axl: I'm not exactly sure where the cat comes in. But, basically, this kid just wants to hang out with his dad all the time, but the dad's too busy with work. And, then, at the end of the song the dad's really old, and all he wants to do is spend time with his kid, but now the kid's busy with his own family and, uh, just can't find the time.
Brick: What happens? Does he get to spend time with his son?
Axl: The song doesn't say, but the kid's pretty busy, so... I'm assuming the dad eventually dies.
[rubs eyes]
Axl: Damn pine needles.
Brick: I'm calling Dad at work.

Axl: I blame Mom and Dad. 'Cause I don't know if you know this, but I am completely unsupervised here. No one tells me to go to class. No one tells me to do my homework. No one warns me that wearing your shower shoes in the snow is not a good idea. Last week I slept for two whole days. Nobody woke me up. I brush my hair with a fork! I always thought if Mom and Dad would just get off my back, I'd be fine, but I need them, Brick. I need them on my back. Don't tell them I said that.
Brick: Can I tell them we saw a girl in her bra?

Frankie: Hey, Brick! I know I've been busy, but guess what? There's ants in the dishwasher hole. You want to come help me put down some traps?
Brick: Yeah, I think I'll pass.
Frankie: Oh, come on. You and me, pal, watching them all march to their death together. If that's not a mother-son bonding activity, I don't know what is.

Devin: Look, I like you, Axl. I'm just not sure I can do this whole dating thing. I have soccer practice every day, and my grades suck.
Axl: Mine suck, too. That's another thing we have in common. We're like those two characters in that book we never read.

[after Frankie breaks down and admits that they've been secretly driving the Donahues' new car while they were away]
Nancy: Why would I ever hate you? I hate myself for not telling you to drive it in the first place! Seriously. What is the point of having a brand new car if you can't share it with your neighbors? I'm *thrilled* you drove it!
Ron: Absolutely! You saved one of us from getting the first scratch and fighting with each other about it.
[laughs]
Ron: Thanks, man!
[Donahues leave smiling and laughing]
Frankie: Well, now I know what's behind that Wall Of Nice. Big rolling fields of nice! I mean, they're just great. So, so great.
Mike: Yep. They really deserve better neighbors than us.

Mike: Aw, I bet they thought you looked cute.
Sue: They used me as a table, Dad. I just felt like, I don't know, everyone got some memo or something that I didn't get. I mean, since when do you have to wear a teeny Catholic schoolgirl outfit with fishnets to have a conversation?
Mike: You know, your Mom really likes to chat at night.
Sue: Is that all boys like? Is that all you liked?
Mike: She's not a deep sleeper. You could just poke her. She'll wake right up.

Axl: ...And another thing, why are you always raising your hand and asking questions like a dork? Stare at the clock and wait for the bell to ring like a normal person.
Sue: Excuse me if I like to participate.
Frankie: What's going on?
Axl: So I'm sitting in my Life Skills class, minding my own business, when Hurricane Sue rolls in blowing geek and raining nerd everywhere.
Sue: What are you even doing in that class? It's for freshmen and sophomores only, not loser seniors who missed it 'cause they were taking Math two times.
Axl: Ha! It was English I took twice. Who's the idiot now?

Frankie: [pulling Doris] Okay, Aunt Edie, I finally got her to go. She went number three, so... I'm just gonna change her diaper, bleach my hands, and hit the road.

Brick: I should never have done this. I'm not cut out for a life of crime. I don't have your deviousness.
Axl: Or my good looks, but let's not start naming everything or we'll be here all day.

Mike: Time goes fast, you know. The whole "Cat's in the Cradle" thing. That's why I wanted to have Christmas with just the family. Well, that, and your grandparents are nuts.

Frankie: Brick! How many times have I told you we don't eat out of the garbage?
Brick: I saw you eat cake out of it once.
Frankie: [whispering] I gave you a dollar not to talk about that.

Frankie: You know, there's a lot of bad things about Chicago. It's cold. There's crime. The Cubs.

Frankie: Brick, you're running a Ponzi scheme.
Brick: A Ponzi-what now?
Frankie: You're using money you don't have to pay off the debt you had before, and now you have to go into even more debt to pay off this debt. It's an endless cycle. You're never gonna catch up.
Brick: Isn't that what you guys do with your credit cards?
Frankie: Well, yeah, but we're gonna die before they catch us.

Sue: I spend my whole life congratulating myself. I want other people to congratulate me.

Sue: You have to make another will. Without a will there will be nothing but fighting and accusations and eventually the three of us will stop speaking to each other and years will go by and - and our children won't even know their cousins and we'll spend holidays apart. I'll be with my husband and children and Axl will be across town with his family. Each wondering if the other is having a Merry Christmas, but each too proud to pick up the phone. And Brick, who refuses to choose sides, will be eating Christmas dinner all by himself at a Perkins restaurant being served by a waitress who feels sorry for him. You have to make a will. A specifics-detailed who gets what or it will tear us apart. I've seen it before. Look at Casey Kasem's family.
Brick: Wait. Why am I the one being pitied by a waitress? She's the one working on Christmas.
Axl: My God, can we start this not-talking thing now?

Axl: [filming] This is my brother. And he's been very sick for a long time with a horrible disease. Despite all the "Walks for Hope" and "Fun Runs", there is as yet no cure.
[Brick coughs]
Axl: This has been such a life-changing event for me, his brother, Axl Heck, Mrs. Johnson's sixth-period English.
Brick: It's the not knowing that's the hard part. Oh, and the dying. Actually, they're both hard.

Brick: Where are you going?
Frankie: To the fridge, Brick. I gotta get this in there. It's Frugal Hoosier milk. It may already be too late.

Sue: Um, how old is he exactly?
Mr. Jennings: Fourteen. But we don't trust him to stay home alone.
Sue: Oh, hold on. I'm not sure...
Mrs. Jennings: Now, there's a few basic things you should know. He can't drink pop or he will freak out.
Mr. Jennings: And absolutely no ice of any kind or he will freak out.
Mrs. Jennings: And don't let him watch anything too violent.
Mr. Jennings: Or even too colorful.
Mrs. Jennings: Or he will freak out.
Mr. Jennings: And he has to put on his pull-ups before bed, but you can't call them diapers or he will freak out.
Mrs. Jennings: They're his space pants.
Mr. Jennings: Okay, well, then, that's it. We'll be home around ten.
Mrs. Jennings: Oh, uh, one more thing. Tyler thinks he's babysitting you, and if he finds out that you're babysitting him, he will...
Sue: Freak out?
Mrs. Jennings: Big freakout.
Mr. Jennings: Huge.

Axl: Oh my gosh, I didn't believe in myself, but after reading your poster, I totally do. Thanks, Sue.

Mike: Hey, Brick, your teacher's on my computer. I don't want to talk to him. How do I get rid of this guy?
Brick: Hit "Escape". Also, he can hear you.

Mike: I know why you didn't say anything. You're too busy dating our son.
Frankie: What? That is not true. We went out a couple of times. We went shopping, we had a nice dinner, we got some ice cream... Oh my God, I'm dating our son.

Brick: Hey, wasn't Easter in April?
Frankie: Oh, good, yes, Easter. Okay, what did we do for Easter?
Axl: Oh, nice job, Mom. You forgot to do Easter. You owe me a pound of jelly beans and a ham.
Frankie: Oh shoot. And wasn't there some birthday in April, too?
Axl: Uh, yeah, Jesus.
Mike: That's Christmas. And the birthday was mine.
Frankie: Oh. Damn. Happy Birthday.
Brick: I'll write about how we took Dad to a Pacers game to celebrate.
Mike: Thanks, buddy, I would have enjoyed that.

Axl: But I just got all B's and now this? When does it end?
Hutch: Wait, why'd you come to college?
Axl: 'Cause I was done with high school. That's where you go.

Frankie: We decided that instead of me getting another random job, I'm gonna go back to school and pursue an actual career. But that means in the short-term, we're all gonna have to tighten our belts around here.
Axl: Oh, my God. I thought you were getting me a car, and now you're saying we're gonna be even poorer? I can't believe this! I was so nice to you guys all summer. I barely even yelled at you, and this is how you thank me?

Mike: It's Tylenol P.M. P.M. - that's why it's got the moon and the stars on it. It's the kind that makes you go to sleep.
Frankie: What?
Axl: Oh, my God. My mother drugged me? And I have a test tomorrow on... I have no idea what I have a test tomorrow on.

Axl: Oh, this is all your fault! You know why I haven't had a life-changing event? 'Cause nothing in my life has happened. Nothing. I mean, we're not rich enough to travel, we're not poor enough to live out of our car, Mom's not on the Internet stripping for money, and Dad doesn't get drunk and beat anyone.
Mike: Not yet.

Mike: Here's all I need to know about you, Darrin. You're 19 and a male.
Darrin: Actually, I'm 20. I skipped a grade. That's the one where you repeat a year, right?
Mike: No, that's getting held back.
Darrin: Oh, yeah. That's the one I did.

Tag: For the first few months, I didn't even realize I was playing with real money. And by that time I was eight grand in, and every time I thought about quittin', this cyber girl comes up with a big rack, wanting me to buy more chips.
Mike: You know, this is the kind of thing you might want to share with a blood relative.
Tag: It's bad, Mike. It's bad. I'm afraid Pat's gonna cut me off in the bedroom.
Mike: Oh, jeez, I don't want to know this, Tag.
Tag: It's too late. You're in it now.

Axl: I looked at the terms of our agreement, and our deal has no mention of caring.
Frankie: Come on, Axl. Stop being snarky.
Mike: You know your mom. She won't count this as a family event unless you enjoy it.
Axl: Well, okay. Fine. It's a blast. I'm having an explosion of fun.

Axl: I can't believe this. I finally finish my last English paper while we're pumping gas, and, instead of taking me out or buying me a reward, I'm stuck chauffeuring a tomato to a loser fest.

Brick: I feel like maybe next week she'll bite me.
Frankie: Here's hoping!

Axl: Yep, I went with Engineering 'cause , uh, Hutch is doing it, so I figured we could do it together. Plus, I like trains, so...
Mike: It's got nothing to do with trains.
Axl: Uh, I think it does.
Mike: Uh, I know it doesn't. Engineers are the guys who build bridges and buildings.
Axl: Oh my God! That's an engineer? Why don't they just call things what they are - bridge builders and building builders.
Brick: That's just embarrassing.

Mike: Well, your mom's going back to school. If you want a new car, you'll have to get a second job to pay for it.
Axl: So, I'm gonna have two jobs, she's gonna have none? You're the mom! You're the one who's supposed to be working herself to death.
[pauses]
Axl: Wait. You guys are messing with me, right? This is all a big set-up. Is my new car outside the window?
Mike: You're not getting a car, you idiot. We'll be lucky if we don't have to sell one of ours to pay for Mom's school.
Axl: What? I can't believe you're telling me this. These are adult problems. Whatever happened to protecting our feelings? Whatever happened to not upsetting the kids?
Frankie: We thought you'd be mature enough to handle it.
Axl: Well, I'm not, so, from now on, don't be sitting us down and telling us bad things. We'll just assume those are happening.

Mike: Look, I don't like this either, but you of all people should get this. You're the one who's always saying you do for family.
Frankie: I meant my family.

Mike: There's one story in your book that really stayed with me.
Tag: You mean the one about the bathroom stall in Wichita?
Mike: No. No, the one where you had to fire your friend, but you said the best way to do it was just look him in the eye and tell him the truth.
Tag: To be fair, the same thing applies to the stall in Wichita.

Frankie: All right. I will see you later. i might even slip on a negligee.
Mike: Really?
Frankie: Well, a clean night shirt - you know, the one with the lace. It had a bloodstain from Brick's nosebleed, but it's mostly out.

Tag: [over phone] Listen, kid, college is fun, but I got a mean case of the V.D. my freshman year.
Frankie: [to Brick] Take him off speaker. Off speaker.
Tag: And you know the strains are even worse, so be careful.
Frankie: Can you get him off speaker? Axl, help your brother get off speaker!
Tag: Hey, Axl, did you cash in on that Franklin Templeton bond we set up for ya?
Axl: What?
Tag: The savings bond Grandma and I got when you were born so you'd have a little spending money. I mean, that thing's got to be worth...
Frankie: Okay, Dad, we just hit a deer! We gotta go!
[hangs up]
Axl: Did Grandpa and Grandma give me money? Oh, my God, they did. Did you steal my money? Oh, my God, they stole my money.
Mike: Relax, nobody stole your money. We just, uh... diversified your portfolio into food, clothes, braces.
Axl: Seriously? You wasted my money on Sue's ugly face? That thing's a black hole. You could throw money at it forever. It's never gonna get better.

Dr. Fulton: Well, Brick, we all have to learn to live with fear. And that includes this guy right here
[points to self]
Dr. Fulton: I mean, for me, it's Shelly. I mean, I fear she may marry the guy she's dating right now just because he's decisive and buff. You know, but, if she decides to ruin her life like that, I just have to accept it and move on. Which isn't to say that I'll meet someone. I mean, not someone like Shelly. I mean, no one can be Shelly. I guess what I'm trying to say, Brick, is I very well may die alone.

Sue: Okay, as I'm sure you know, it's Mom and Dad's anniversary coming up. It's their 20th! So what are we going to do for them?
Axl: We lit up their lives every day. What more do they want?

Sue: I'm an American girl, so I just want to kiss American. If you want to kiss... international, then you'll have to find someone else.
Matt: Oh, thank God.
Sue: You're not mad?
Matt: No. Your braces were ripping my tongue to shreds.

Sue: After many attempts with multiple subjects, including family, friends, a Red Lobster waitress, and an unfriendly baby; I, unfortunately, was unable to prove my hypothesis. However, like many scientists before me, I refuse to admit defeat. It took Einstein ten years to prove E=mc2, and if it takes me that long to prove smiling is contagious, then I am up for the challenge, for I believe there are some things that defy logic.
Sue: French anatomist Duchenne wrote that joy is expressed on the face by contraction of the muscles but it can only be put in play by the sweet emotions of the soul.
Sue: And Duchenne had a whole smile named after him. Think of the smiles over the years that have inspired a whole world to happiness: Mona Lisa's, Justin Bieber's. Some might laugh at me, I know, just as they laughed at John Gurdon. He was told in high school that he would never be a scientist. He just won the Nobel Prize. I guess it just proves that being dismissed by people who think they know better is not an obstacle to winning a Nobel Prize. So I will continue with my research, one smile at a time, until I prove that smiling is contagious, 'cause I don't want to live in a world where it isn't.

Frankie: Brick, did you learn your lesson?
Brick: Oh, I-I definitely did. Also, I learned that if my mom ever goes to jail again, I will tell my dad.

Mike: Axl, apologize to your mother.
Axl: Why should I apologize? She ate my toenails one time. We eat her cooking every day.

Frankie: What if you got in an accident and they're looking through your wallet and they're like "Which one's his wife? I don't know. Which one is she?" Who do you want picking you up from the hospital?
Mike: Nobody. Just let me die in peace.

Sue: Hey, Dad. Why do you think the tour guide gave me all these brochures? The Cherokee weaving workshop, and here's one on the headdress exhibit at the art museum.
Mike: Hm. That's weird. They didn't give that stuff to anybody else?
Sue: Mnh-mnh.
Mike: It's not like you're Native American.
Sue: Yes, I am.
Mike: N-no, Sue, you're not.
Sue: Sure, I am. I mean, that's what I put on my forms.
Mike: What? Why'd you do that?
Sue: 'Cause I'm a native of America. I'm a native American.
Mike: Sue, now they think you're Native American.
Sue: Right, a native American.
Mike: Say "I'm a Native American."
Sue: I'm a Native American. Ohh! I hear it now.

Axl: No more hats! We are going on a ride right after this. Any ride that Sue did not recommend.
Sue: Oh! Like your suggestions are so great, Axl. We all really enjoyed your leaving-the-park ride.

Cassidy: Wow. I feel sorry for you. Your whole identity is this tiny locker room world you think you're king of. And now you're injured and you're scared, so you're putting up an imperious facade and overcompensating for your insecurity.
Axl: Okay, if you're trying to insult me, you're gonna have to use smaller words.

Brick: Please, Axl, please don't tell me the ending. I've spent six years of my life waiting to see how it ends!
Axl: I don't know. It's just so good. I gotta tell somebody.
Brick: You can have the guitar back. It's all yours!
Axl: Eh. I don't want the guitar anymore. I'm kinda into reading now.
Brick: Please, Axl, just... just give me the book back.
Axl: Yeah, okay.
[hands book to Brick]
Brick: Thank you.
Axl: Professor Faxon has been dead the whole time.
Brick: No!
Axl: The seventh circle only exists in Professor Faxon's mind.
Brick: No!
Axl: Planet Nowhere is just Earth four million years ago!
Brick: No!
[drops to floor]
Axl: Oh. Brick?
[nudges him]
Axl: I think I killed Brick!

Hutch: Look, I'd do the same for you, you know, if you ever got a girl.
Axl: That's harsh, man. Harsh! You know what? I'm not so sure I want to live with someone who would say something like that to me.
Hutch: Fine. I'm not sure I want to live with you, either.
Axl: Good. I'll just stay with Kenny. We have a lot of laughs.
Hutch: Fine.
Axl: Fine! Enjoy Woods Girl. I hope you get a deer tick in a very personal place.

Sue: Axl, you need to start thinking outside of yourself!
Sue: Look at Beyonce. She has every reason In the world to be selfish, and she still gives back!
Sue: Wouldn't it be amazing if we could find the capsule for Aunt Edie and make her dreams come true?
Axl: Sorry. My time is way too valuable.

Frankie: Okay, Mike, I just stepped on a fork in the tub. How many times have we told the kids we wash spoons in the tub, knives and forks in the bathroom sink?
Mike: It's just common sense.

Axl: I'm just saying, if we want to be factually correct, and we are professionals, King Moonracer would not be in that bag 'cause he's not a toy.
Sean: He's obviously a toy! All of the unwanted toys have some problem that makes them a misfit. His is that he's a lion with wings.
Axl: Will you listen to yourself? "Lion with wings." Where's the problem? That's not misfit, that's just awesome.

Sue: How come every time we get in this car, we end up talking about the death napkin?

Jane: Let me tell you something, Sue. You may not know to look at me now, but I know what it's like to feel like you don't exist.
Sue: Really?
Jane: A bunch of years ago, I was a student here, too, and nobody knew who I was, either, and I was the only black kid.

Sue: There are other things going on in the world you know. Troubled teens are getting tattoos in their underwear area.

Sue: So we're not allowed to talk to you at all unless it's between 5:00 and 6:00?
Frankie: Well, that would probably be more of a phase two thing, but I like the way you're thinking.

Axl: It shouldn't be an assignment. They're forcing me to help people against my will. I don't know. Doesn't that seem like communism or something? I - Did I use that right?

Frankie: You are way behind here, Axl, way behind. All your friends are totally prepared.
Axl: So? You always said if my friends jumped off a bridge, it doesn't mean I should.
Frankie: This is not a bridge situation. This time you should have been doing exactly what your friends were doing.
Axl: It's your fault. You're supposed to nag me about important stuff like this. That's the system I'm used to.

Sue: I can't go back to a landline. I just can't. It's like being chained to a wall!

Frankie: School... It's challenging, demanding, and takes a whole lot of work. And it can be hard on your kids, too.

Axl: I got all "B"s. You can't get any better than that. Whoo!

Sue: Mom, what are you doing? That TV costs $3000.
Frankie: Shh. It's just for the royal wedding.
Sue: But that's stealing.
Frankie: No, it's borrowing. I'm pay $25 to borrow it. So just be cool. You know what?
[points]
Frankie: Be over there.

Sue: I think we have a real opportunity here. I mean, clearly, this lady can't tell things of value from junk. I learned that one from watching "Hoarders".
Brick: The thing I learned from watching "Hoarders" is that it does not usually end well for the cats.

Brick: Look, Mom, I understand you're nervous. But I read books, and in every one the parents are always nervous about the hero before he goes off on his great adventure. But he always goes, and he's scared, but he faces the challenge and ultimately triumphs.
Frankie: Well, I watch TV, and in all the crime shows, little kids die.

Axl: Okay, I know this whole thing with Brick is just a ploy to get my attention and it will not work. Oh my God. You're letting him wear your Colts jersey? You never let me wear it! What? He's your son now?
Brick: I've always been his son.
Axl: Ah-ha! So he admits it! You've been plotting and planning this since the day you were born.

Brick: I inadvertently chewed a girl's hair, so you might be getting a call from my teacher about that.

[Axl tries to break down the Glossner's front door]
Mike: Hey, step aside. I've got an app on my phone for that.
Axl: Really?
Mike: No.
[scene cut to Mike stomping the door down]

Mike: Yeah, but, Brick, they're all going to gym, you're not. What are the other kids gonna say?
Brick: I don't know. But I'll tell you what they won't be saying. "Hey, there goes Brick. Let's get him."

Frankie: I thought I could make Cindy some caramel apples, but all I could find was a pack of Peeps and a black banana. And I ate the Peeps. I have a problem.

Axl: Oh, and, Dad, your problem is you're always giving out these crazy punishments without ever hearing our side of things. Sue's not allowed to have a friend over till she's thirty-five.
Mike: I never said that.
Sue: Brick, can you please read the minutes from our last meeting?
Brick: Last Thursday, Sue and Carly took the batteries out of your remote and put them in their karaoke machine, and you said, quote "No more friends over for twenty years" end quote.
Mike: You have meetings?
Axl: Hey, we're not just out in the yard breaking rocks. We're in the prison library trying to figure out how to bust out of this joint.

Sue: They got me a book on interpreting dreams! I have always dreamed of getting one of these. I wonder what that means?

Devin: Do you know there's throw-up on your steps?
Axl: Mm, yeah, it's supposed to rain tomorrow.

Mike: You were out with Cassidy pretty late last night. What time did you end up getting home?
Axl: I don't know. Why do you care so much? When I'm at school, you don't know what time I'm out.
Mike: I don't care. Just if you were dead in a ditch, I'd have ordered a medium pizza.

Mike: He's too old, he's too dumb, and he's too Darrin.
Frankie: Well, yes, he's all of those things, but he's also very sweet and harmless.
Mike: That's what the neighbors always say about serial killers.

Brick: That was the longest day of my life, which is ironic seeing as I was only there for forty-seven minutes.
Frankie: Oh, no, what happened?
Brick: Well, because I missed the first four days of school, I have no idea what we're studying. Neither do the assorted ne'er do wells who share the back row with me. My options for gym shorts were Adult Large or Youth Extra-Small. Oh, and I have to play Hitler in the school play.

Frankie: Look, if you're so miserable, just tell him you don't want to do it.
Mike: I can't do that. You can do that to your own family, not the one you married into. You got off easy. My dad's a hoarder who never wants to leave the house or talk to anybody.
Frankie: And I am thankful for that every single day.

Mike: Sue, sports isn't about being nice. Sports is about being competitive. It's about wanting to beat the other person.
Sue: Oh, I think I remember my coach saying something about that.
Mike: Okay. So, if you really want to win, you gotta dig down deep. You gotta get in touch with that anger.
Sue: What anger?
Mike: The anger that's inside you.
Sue: I don't have any anger inside me.
[gasps]
Sue: Dad, do you have anger inside you?
Mike: A little bit.

Matt: Mr. Heck, it's imperative I speak with your daughter, but she's gone radio silence on me.
Mike: Here's the deal, Matt. We stole a car, and it's imperative we clean it. So, if you want to join this family, which I don't know why you would, grab a rag.

Mike: Sorry about this. You know, kids.
Jim: Yeah, kids. When mine wanted to sell wrapping paper here, you said there was a no soliciting policy at work.
Dave: Door's open now, Mike. My girl's selling popcorn tins again. She's the only one in her troop that didn't get to meet Jane Pauley last year because of you. I got a hunch she'll be going this year.

Sue: You guys gotta stop leaving half-open cans of pop. It is bringing bees! Oh, it's like The Hunger Games out here. I don't know how much more of this I can handle.

Axl: I have no idea who I'm dating.
Sean: What do you mean you don't know who you're dating?
Axl: I don't know, okay? They were both acting like they were dating me. It was weird.
Darrin: Who'd you ask out? That would at least eliminate one.
Axl: I thought I called Courtney, but maybe I called Debbie instead. I don't know anymore!
Sean: Come on, we can figure this out. Which one seems to like you more?
Axl: I can't tell 'cause they're always together. I mean, I assume I'd go for the blonde, but Debbie's really been riding me lately, so maybe she's my girlfriend.
Darrin: Which one have you been making out with?
[Axl looks sheepish]
Sean: Oh... my... God. Three weeks, you haven't even kissed one? Maybe you're dating Darrin.
Darrin: He could do worse. I'm kind, and I always show up on time.
Axl: I haven't been making out yet 'cause I'm never alone with whoever it is I'm dating.

Brick: So, I've decided from now on, I want to spend every moment I can with the things I cherish most. So, I'll be in my room with my books. Try not to bother me.

Frankie: [discussing Brick and Cindy] Look, Mike, he doesn't exactly have a ton of options. You've heard about "the one that got away". She might literally be "the one".

Frankie: Okay, the chimes haven't stopped. But that doesn't mean anything. Rita might not have even seen the letter yet. But she had to, I put it on her doorstep. But then, why hasn't she taken the chimes down?
[gasps]
Frankie: What if she can't read? No, she steals our paper. She can read.

Reverend: So, Brick, what do you mean you feel invisible?
Frankie: Oh, he's not invisible. Just ignore him.
Reverend: Ignore him?
Frankie: No, not ignore. It's just he says things sometimes, but don't pay attention.
Reverend: You don't pay attention to him?
Frankie: No, we do. But it's just he's insignificant in this conversation. He's not invisible.
[accidentally hits Brick]
Frankie: Sorry, Brick.

Sue: I can't lose my party. It's my Sweet 16. It's the only birthday that has its own adjective.

Frankie: Sue, are you okay?
Sue: No, not at all. All of a sudden, Matt's turned into the world's worst kisser.
Frankie: What do you mean?
Sue: Out of nowhere, he puts his-his tongue into my mouth. Oh, my God! What is that? Who does that?
Frankie: Well...
Sue: I can't help but feel bad for him. It's like he totally forgot how to kiss. I mean, what place does a tongue have in kissing?

Pat: I brought fudge.
Axl: Awesome.
Sue: Thanks, Grandma.
Frankie: Okay, guys, just a couple.
Pat: Oh, Frankie. It's fudge. It's Christmas.
Axl: Oh, Mom gets out-mommed by Grandma. Merry Christmas to me.

Frankie: Okay, those are from the J.J. Macky Christmas mailer, and they represent presents to come.
Axl: [gasps] A Camaro? Awesome!
Frankie: Uh, turn it around.
Axl: A shirt?

Sue: [reading letter] "Dear Sue, Due to the record-high number of submissions" - they had so many submissions - "we regret to inform you that despite your wonderful essay" - they loved my essay - "we are unable to offer you a scholarship, but look forward to you trying again next year." They look forward to me trying again next year!
Axl: [to Hutch] Just give her a minute.
Sue: Wait. No! No! No!
[sinks to floor]
Sue: I'm so perturbed!

Mike: It's just... different. Axl and I were - you know, we spent a lot of time together. I don't really relate to Brick.
Brick: Right here, Dad.
Mike: Nothing I wouldn't say to your face.

Brick: Mom, you're better than this.
Frankie: I'm not, though, Brick, I'm really not. This is killing me. How could you pick Dad over me?
Brick: He says it's okay if my socks don't match.
Frankie: But it's not! Because people will think you're weird, and I'm only telling you that 'cause I love you more than Dad.

Brick: We didn't have fun.
Axl: We're having fun right now little buddy. Court mandated fun.
Brick: C'mon Axl.
Axl: Look no offense I just don't want to be hanging out with a twelve year old.
Brick: I'm fifteen.

Frankie: Sue has decided not to try out for anything this fall.
Mike: Hey, she's finally given up. That is good news.
Frankie: The bad news is I got an e-mail from Ms. Tompkins - Brick's social skills teacher. I guess she wants to meet with us.
Mike: Again? When is that woman gonna realize she's underpaid, and check out?

Frankie: Blue "A" goes into red "B". I showed you the chart.
Mike: Mm. This is so much less joyful than killing a tree.

Axl: What am I doing with my life? It was so much easier when I wanted to be a fireman or superhero. God, I wish I was still seventeen.

Derrick: Why do you think I pull up your shrubs or knock over your mailbox or put rocks in the snowballs I throw at you?
Sue: 'Cause you're mean?
Derrick: Nope. It's 'cause I've always kinda liked ya.
Sue: Uh... okay.
Derrick: It doesn't matter. I mean, look at you. You're a rich girl - with your above ground pool, your two kinds of chips, and your one dad. Forget it. You're way out of my league. See ya around, Princess.

Brick: Well, Uncle Rusty stood me up.
Mike: What?
Brick: Yep. A little embarrassing. I was the only one there without a special friend.
[leaves]
Mike: Damn it, Frankie. I knew asking my brother was a bad idea. This is your parents' fault for going on that stupid cyber cruise. They're old. Why do they gotta learn new stuff?

Axl: Dude, this place already kicks our church's ass!
Frankie: Axl!
Axl: Sorry. "Church's butt".

Frankie: So Axl was with books and Brick was with a girl. We're chalking this up to Halloween.

Sue: Weren't you listening? The cheerleaders are stealing Wrestlerettes from us. You guys, we have to do something about this.
Ashley: That sounds like it could take awhile. This is the night I usually bury things I found during the week.
Ruth: Oh, I could sew together a spirit quilt for the cheerleaders to bless them in their endeavors.
Sue: No! We're not burying anything, and we are not blessing anyone. We built Wrestlerettes from the ground up, and we gotta fight for it. Who's with me?
Becky: Wait. We're-We're gonna fight? 'Cause I got a sock full of old batteries in my locker. I call the blonde one!

Frankie: She's arriving in a car as a commoner, but she leaves in a carriage as a princess.
Axl: Princess of what? Seriously, is she even allowed to behead people?

Brick: Mom, Dad, I've decided I'd like to be popular.
Frankie: Okay.
Mike: Not sure that's really couchworthy.
Brick: I've noticed lately that all the other boys seem to get picked up together. I don't know where they're going, but they laugh and slap each other on the back, and treat each other with a lot of camaraderie and bonhomie.
Mike: Well... bonhomie does not grow on trees.
Brick: It looks very enjoyable and I'm thinking I might want to participate in that kind of thing. I know I'm not very good at the social stuff, so I would appreciate any tips you can offer.
Frankie: Okay, I know you love your books, but maybe you should put them down once in awhile and talk to people. You know, like at lunch or parties or that class we send you to to teach you how to talk to people.

Axl: I'm crushing my Music Appreciation class. I'm getting a "C", and I've only showed up half the time.

Sue: [sobbing] I'm little, and I want my daddy to fix my problems.

Sue: Axl, did you hear this? Mom and Dad say we're having Thanksgiving at a restaurant.
Axl: Oh, so, Mom's not cooking? At last, something to be truly thankful for.

Chuck: Listen, wife of Mike, you got way more sway than us. Tonight when you go home, you gotta light a candle, shake off the sheets, and get your man all syncopated to the rhythm of your lady jazz.

Mike: So they got you working on Thanksgiving, huh?
Cashier: Yeah, but it's okay. I'm trying to save some money for college.
Mike: Oh, is that right? What high school do you go to?
Cashier: St. Mary's.
Mike: Oh yeah. That's the Catholic school just down the street. So, do you gotta wear those Catholic girls uniforms with the skirts?
Cashier: Sir, this conversation is making me uncomfortable.

Frankie: I can't believe he's been here for two days and he didn't come home. That lying, sneaky, little jerk.
Mike: Did you tell him that?
Frankie: No, I was hiding in the bushes outside the window.

Mike: Sue, listen to me. You have screwed up this driving test so many ways; I can't think of another mistake you could possibly make.
Sue: Aw, thanks for the pep talk, Dad.

Mike: Church was turning into a hostage situation. The man would not stop talking.

Axl: You all right?
Mike: Yeah. Fine.
Axl: Do you want to stop?
Mike: Why would I want to stop?
Axl: 'Cause you just made a noise like you were having a baby.

Sean: I thought you said BossCo would be in the black by now.
Darrin: Is black the good one or bad one?
Axl: Look, we really ate it trying to get that possum out of the garage. Between Darrin's stitches and the rabies shots, we got hosed.
Darrin: I can still see those pink eyes coming at me.

Axl: [seeing Frankie with a suitcase] Mom's moving out! I knew it. I knew she didn't have the stomach to go the distance.
Frankie: You're not gonna believe this. I'm packed. I'm totally packed. I even bought one of those mini travel toothpastes, which is already in my toiletry bag.
Axl: Old people brag about the weirdest things.

Mike: [upon finishing "Into Thin Air"] That's it. We are never climbing Mount Everest. Rich people sure like to die in weird places.

Axl: My God, I have to do everything around here. I have to fix the sink, I have to fix Brick, now I have to fix the Sue. You're not getting married, all right? You got too many dorky dreams to fulfill.

Brick: I'm cold. I told you we needed a fireplace.
Axl: You can't put a fireplace in an igloo.
Brick: The Eskimos do it all the time.
Axl: Oh my God, Brick! Eskimos aren't even real. They're just in stories like leprechauns and trolls.

Eddie: [to boy with knife] That's how you hold a knife when you're whittling.
[changes knife position]
Eddie: That's how you hold a knife when you're gonna kill a man.

Axl: Whoa, whoa, whoa. He met this girl on the Internet? This is getting creepy.
Frankie: No, I talked to the mom.
Sue: No, Axl's right. This could be a complete catfish situation. How do you know the mom isn't the girl?
Axl: Look, a grandpa could be the little girl. Well, I'm not going in there. I don't want to wake up without a kidney. I can just see the headline: "B-student Slain in Hillbilly Massacre. 'He was awesome,' said friends".

Axl: God, this is lame. Every year they go through some kind of mid-life crisis. Thank God their lives are more than halfway over.

Attendance: This is the Orson High attendance office. May I speak to Frankie Heck, please?
Sue: [in fake accent] Yes, this is she.
[whispers to self]
Sue: Why am I British?
Attendance: Sorry to bother you. I'm just verifying that Sue Heck is home sick today.
Sue: Oh, yes. She's quite sick. Sick as the dickens, I'm afraid.
Attendance: Well, please make sure she brings a note with a parent signature.
Sue: A note?
Attendance: Yes. It's a requirement any time a student has been absent.
Sue: Very well. A note. I'll add it to my shed-ule. Cheerio!

Sue: Good luck, Dad. I hope you win.
Mike: It's not a contest. I already won.
Sue: Well, sometimes you think you won, and then at the last minute, you didn't. Wait for them to call your name. Twice.

Mike: Hey, Sue?
Sue: Hm?
Mike: You ever feel bad that I never, you know, made you Super Daddy pancakes?
Sue: No. Why?
Mike: Well, I don't know. That - that guy and his daughter are always doing stuff together. Did you ever wish I was, you know, more like him?
Sue: Wha - ? Dad, no. Why would you even say that? You're amazing. My whole life you made sure my bike tires were pumped; you let me ride on your shoulders when I cleaned out the gutter. Whenever Mom yells "I just can't do it anymore", you make my lunch for a few days. And, best of all, when you find a pretty rock at the quarry, you always bring it home for me. I mean, come on, nobody else's dad does that. You're the greatest dad in the whole world. Hello? That's why I got you the mug - "World's Greatest Dad." Mugs don't lie.
Mike: You remember all that stuff?
Sue: Of course. I don't want some bouncy, pancake dad. If I did, it wouldn't be you.

Sue: Besides, I'm the one who won us the trip, and you're saying you don't trust me enough to drive? You trusted me enough to leave my hand on that car for 24 hours. I peed a little bit in my pants. I deserve to drive.

Sue: What are you doing here?
Darrin: I came to take you to prom.
Sue: But I-I got your message. I thought you didn't care about prom.
Darrin: I don't. I only care about you.

Frankie: When's the last time any of you listened to me, huh? It's just "Mom, we need this", "Mom we need that". "Dad, there's no toilet paper," said no one ever.

Frankie: Jeez. What is wrong with my parents?
Mike: You're gonna have to be more specific.
Frankie: The bickering. It's nuts, right? I don't get it. I mean, it seems to be getting worse. It's worse, right?
Mike: Frankie, they've been together 50 years. Just be happy they're not starring in a "Dateline" unsolved mystery.

Axl: Got a really big project tomorrow, so I'm just gonna watch a few hours of TV to get the brain fired up, and get started.
Sue: Don't bother. It's already done and tied up and stuffed in a bag by the door. As should you be for your lackluster effort.
Frankie: Wait. Wasn't this project both of yours?
Sue: Yes.
Axl: Yes. But I guess she went ahead and did it without me. Can you believe this? I was so looking forward to learning, and she robbed me of that. She's so selfish!

Frankie: Okay, you know how Oprah's motto is "Live your best life"?
Mike: Can't that woman just stay retired?

Axl: Wait a minute. If I cleaned the gutters, you would have let me play tonight?
Mike: Yes.
Axl: Why didn't you tell me that?
Mike: Because I wanted you to come up with it on your own.
Axl: If you want me to come up with stuff on my own, you gotta tell me.

Axl: You wouldn't call Michelangelo and tell him you don't understand the "Moaning Lisa".
Hutch: Dude, it's the "Mona Lisa".
Axl: "Mona"? That's not even a word. Agh. I don't get art.

BMV: Oh God! Mattress!
Sue: It's okay, I can still see.
BMV: For the love of God, pull over. I have children!
Sue: No! I only have two blocks left
[bang]
Sue: [rattling sound] Pothole! Not a problem!

Axl: This is unfair. You're parents. It's your job to put your kids first.
Mike: Who says?
Axl: I'll tell you who says. "The Giving Tree". You're the ones who read us the book. The tree gave up all its leaves and - and its apples and its branches, and it let the little boy cut it down so it could be a canoe. And it didn't complain and go nuts and kick anyone off the TV. It wanted to be a stump. It was happy!

Axl: How great is this? I got the Time with Tots kids putting meals together for the hungry shut-ins. I'm racking up double hours here. I mean... Hey, Tito! Keep your head in the game. You forgot to put an orange in that one.
Mike: All right, that's it. I'm shutting this sweatshop down.
Axl: But I can't pack these boxes myself. And what about the tots? I'm their role model.
Mike: Well, then life dealt them a bad hand again. Now, start reading to these boys. And then when you're done you can pack boxes yourself. Alone.
Axl: Oh God, this is so unfair. Ugh! You kids are lucky you don't have dads.

Axl: I have a huge History paper due.
Mike: So you're watching "Pearl Harbor"?
Axl: If given the choice to learn about stuff through Ben Affleck or not, I always choose Ben Affleck.
Mike: You're not learning history from this movie. You're not even learning movies from this movie.

Brick: What's this?
Axl: It's a, uh... it's a new ending to "Planet Nowhere" that I came up with myself, so, you know, you can have, like, the experience you missed out on or something.
Brick: Really? You did this for me?
Axl: Mm.
Brick: Wow, this sucks.
Axl: You sure? Maybe you just didn't get it. You see, the entire planet lives inside the stomach of this ginormous dragon, and then, when the dragon barfs it all up, it's just like...
Brick: I-I get it.

Sue: I really thought it was in there. Maybe someone stole it.
Axl: Yeah, there's a band of nerds running around stealing nerd jackets, selling them to nerds in Russia. You gotta be more responsible. Brick! Read my book!
Brick: Aw, somebody at the ranch is giving Lennie a puppy. Man, he just killed it.

Mike: Brick, forget the hammer. How'd you like to use a chainsaw? Let me fire it up for ya.
Brick: Um, I'm not even allowed to use an electric toothbrush.
Big: Aw, what are you worried about? Your dad was using a chainsaw when he was half your age.
Mike: No, you know what? Chainsaws are for softies. I bet we can do better, huh, Dad? How about, uh, how about the blow torch?
Big: Nothing wrong with a boy learning how to use a blow torch.
Mike: Go ahead, Brick. Grandpa's gonna make you a man.
Brick: Thanks, but I think I'll stay a boy for now.
Mike: Come on, it's just three thousand degrees of searing heat. Nothing to be afraid of. Grandpa says it's okay.
Big: Teach him how to use it properly, I don't think it's such a big deal.
Mike: Okay. What's it gonna be, Brick? Chainsaw or blow torch? Fire or steel?
Brick: You know, I'm thinking the clover might not be the source of the curse at all. I think it might be genetics.

Frankie: See, this is what happens when we drink. We sign up for stupid committees or get Brick.

Brick: It's okay. I'm gonna use the money from these to pay for the cozies, which paid for the peppermint bark, which paid for the popcorn, which paid for the wrapping paper.
Frankie: How are you gonna pay for the poinsettias?
Brick: Oh, these were free. I got them from the park.
Frankie: What park?
Brick: The park with the dead people.
Frankie: The cemetery? You stole flowers from the cemetery? What the hell were you thinking? Quick, get these inside.