Top 800 Quotes From Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Rosa: [to a teen selling candy in the precinct] All right. I'll buy ONE. Now, go sell your candy to everyone else, stupid.
Terry: Hey, hey, hey. You can't call kids 'stupid'. What if he's really stupid?

- I'm sure it felt that way.
- But I am going to open this closet, and I'm going to show you that there's nothing in there.
- Don't do that, papa.
- See? Nothing...
- Oh, hey, Chuck. It's pimento.

Rosa: You're looking for Captain Holt's manual aren't you?
Terry: Please, Diaz. Top Dog Terry does not need to look for Captain Holt's manual. He knows it's on his computer. Top Dog Terry was looking for the password.
Rosa: Why don't you just make your own decision?
Terry: I did that and I'm very proud of it. I just want to make sure Captain Holt would make the same decision, so I can be proud of him too.

Officer: I want to win, Which is why I'm initiating Operation Fabius.
Jake: Okay. That does sound kind of cool.
Officer: Well, it shouldn't. I may have to change the name. Roman dictator Fabius Maximus defeated Hannibal by avoiding battle and exercising patience.
Jake: I can be patient. I just listened to you talk about that Fabius guy for, like, four hours.
Officer: It was two sentences.
Jake: Ugh, shut up.

Jake: They have my hair? I thought you put your two worst guys on this.
The: These are my worst guys, all right? They're real dorks. They both wear glasses. And one of them's even a woman.

- Terry, mouth percussion.
- Hflchcock stay backstage. You got it.
- We walk out one-by-one, bum-bum-bumming, then Patrick sings us to victory.
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the 99th precinct.

- bringing goodness into peoples' lives is "going postal".
- You're kidding, right?
- "Going postal" means that...
- I know what it means!
- I just said what it means.
- That's what it means.
- Okay. Well, how's about we avoid human contact altogether and check out the box?

Raymond: Okay, O'Sullivan, there's McCaffery coming out of Perdue Pet Supplies with the mouse that he put in the burrito. So there's no need for tactical gear or a Never Forget Burrito ribbon or any of that. You need to call off the Blue Flu.
Frank: Are you crazy? My guys are under attack.
Raymond: No, I just proved that it wasn't an attack. He faked it.
Frank: Not that attack, this attack-- the one where you call a policeman a liar.
Raymond: He is a liar.
Frank: Oh, dear, my God. You just did it again. Do you understand the worst thing you could do to another person is to call that person a liar? You hate cops. That's a fact.
Raymond: I-I-I just thought the Blue Flu was about a mouse in a burrito.
Frank: Well, it was, but now it's about you saying it wasn't.
Raymond: That doesn't make any sense.
Frank: So you're calling me stupid?
Raymond: That's not what I said!
Frank: You're calling me a liar?
Raymond: I just don't know how to talk to someone like you.
Frank: Someone like me? Wow. That's racist!
Raymond: Oh, this is a very frustrating conversation.

- What's going on?
- What are you doing?
- Nothing, just enjoying a taste of my favorite beverage, the soda pop.
- Really? I have never seen you enjoy soda pop before.
- Have some now.

Terry: I get my protein from real food. 22 meals a day, one every 40 minutes.

- they mishandled some evidence, so the da is going to have to dismiss your last two busts.
[Groans] Great.
- And the slump gets worse.
- I don't think it's a slump.
- Honestly, you are straight-up cursed.
- Good to know.

Captain: [on the phone] Yes, Kevin, they moved it a full half inch. I'll tell you the entire story tonight. I love you as well. Goodbye. Oh, that was a fun several moments.

Jake: All right, David is perfect, but so are you. Let's just go tonight, and I'll be your hype man. You know how good I am at talking you up. Here, watch. Hey, Scully. Did you know that Amy is super cool?
Scully: No way. Can I get your autograph, ma'am?
Jake: See?
Amy: Fine, we'll go.
[She turns to leave]
Scully: What, too stuck up for your fans? Ya friggin' turd!

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets of the case, plan our next move, grab a little chow.
Raymond: No need. I brought these.
[Pulls out protein bar-like packets]
Raymond: Nutrition bricks. I have original no-flavor and whole wheat no-flavor.

Terry: [about his plan to win over Amy's dad] Wow, you are really pulling this off.
Jake: I know, all this research is actually gonna work. Should I prepare for things all the time?
Terry: Yeah.
Jake: [Doesn't pay him any attention] Nah, that's crazy.

Terry: I can't play favorites. You never did when you were in charge.
Raymond: Of course I did.
Terry: Really? I never got any special treatment.
Raymond: I think you can do the math there.

Jake: [looking at a picture of the young Hitchcock and Scully] I can't believe I'm going to say this, but...
Charles: Meow!
Jake: No, that is not what I was gonna say, but, honestly? Yeah - meow. No offense, guys, but what the hell happened to you?
Scully: Are you body-shaming us?
Jake: No, I'm personality-shaming you. You were so alert and cool and job-doing.

Gina: What you doing there, Boyle?
Charles: Trying to get drunk enough to have sexual intercourse with a vegan.

Amy: [Catching Jake and Holt trying to sneak off to read Captain Kim's mail] Seriously? The bathroom sneak-off? It didn't work for Dana McAlpin trying to smoke a joint at the Winter Carnival Dance, and it's not going to work for you. Give me the mail. Hmm. You just got "chaperowned", O-W-N-E-D.
Jake: Spelling is never cool.
Officer: Wrong, that was extremely cool. Now I understand why you're "into her."
Jake: Now you understand? You officiated our wedding.

Terry: [Gina demonstrates that Terry thinks everything is dumb] Everyone should wear suspenders. Belts are dumb.
[Different scene]
Terry: People should swim forward. The backstroke is dumb.
[Different scene]
Terry: 30 grams of fat? Hummus is dumb.

Dave: Wanna go get a drink there later? I'd ask Amy also, but I can only bring one guest.
Jake: Nah, it's cool, I'm sure she's busy tonight anyway. Taxes are due in eight months.
Dave: Actually, they were due two weeks ago.
Jake: Well. That is a horrible surprise.

Jake: To be honest, I think I just wanted a big dramatic moment so that I wouldn't feel sad. Because goodbyes are inherently sad. They mean that something's ending. And this one is especially sad because what we had was so great. But it's not all sad, right? We're moving on to things that we love. And we'll always have the memories of our times together, even though Hitchcock won the heist, which makes me so mad I wanna swallow my own tongue and die.
Hitchcock: It's a disgrace.

- You're a bad judge of character and your shirt looks like vomit.
- So we can go see north by northwest.
- We are not seeing a movie together.
- Good call. Smart.
- Keep it profesh.

Adrian: Huh, I'm really scared, Jake. I'm really scared.
Jake: Yeah, I know, just try and look at one thing and focus only on that until I can get Charles out here to help.
Adrian: Okay, okay. Ooh, there's a juicy old person butt in that window.
Jake: Why's it gotta be juicy and old?
Adrian: I don't know, but I'm grateful for it.

Nate: It was for love!
Detective: Cool motive, still murder.

Amy: All right, I know what's going on here. You two still don't trust Captain Kim and you're here to snoop on her.
Raymond: I don't know what you're talking about.
Amy: Please. Look at your shoes. You only wear sneakers for their literal purpose: sneaking.
Jake: That's crazy. He's wearing perfectly normal...
Raymond: No, she's right. The clown shoes gave me away.

Raymond: I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun.
Jake: All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun, but we're doing it in your office so I can slam them down on your desk and yell out, "The system stinks!"
Raymond: Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge down to the equipment room on the second floor, fill out form 452-underscore-J, hand said form in to the inventory clerk, and then receive a claim check through interoffice mail.
Jake: The system stinks!

Alice: You are just so sweet together. You know, I'm sure I can find room for two young lovers.
Jake: Yeah, we are lovers. Together. In beds.
Amy: Okay.

- All right, I got to keep following him.
- All right, but be careful.
- Oh, don't worry about me.
- I'll be invisible.
- Now, you see me, now you...
- We're cool, we're cool.
- Everything's still cool.
- He didn't hear me, we're cool.

Amy: Dr. Yee is a genius in the field of forensic entomology. They call him "Father Fly". How cool is that?
Rosa: 0%.

Jake: Why did I have to solve the case? Why couldn't I have let those guys continue to terrorize Brooklyn until I built up the nerve to ask out a girl?
Rosa: You're a good cop. Do not beat yourself up about that.

Captain: I don't like this. I wouldn't wish working with Madeline Wuntch on my worst enemy, and my worst enemy is Madeline Wuntch, whom I hate.

Charles: Yippie kayak, other buckets!
Jake: Boyle, you did it! And you completely botched the catchphrase.
Charles: I'm pretty sure it was right.
Jake: No, but you did great.

- Very double noice. Mmm.
- Well, I'm off to work.
- Might want to stand back. You're kind of in the blast zone here.
- Don't want to forget the strap. [Engine idling]
- Safety first. That's what I always... okay. [Tires screech]
- Whoa!

Captain: Ah, Boyle, there you are. I have a question for you.
Nikolaj: Daddy, wait up!
Captain: Oh, your non-adult is at our place of work.

Raymond: Welcome to the lake house!
Terry: Where's the lake? I didn't see it on the way in.
Raymond: That's because there's no lake up here.
Terry: But you said it was a lake house.
Raymond: No, we called it "The" Lake House. It was once owned by Krisopp Lake, the scholar of textual criticism who wrote, "Dated Greek Manuscripts To the Year 1200."
Jake: Yeah, Terry. It's obviously named after Kirsopp Lake. No one else was confused about that.

- So, there was this suitcase...
- I don't care. Yeah.

- No, but holt doesn't have to know that.
- So you're gonna lie to him?
- No, I'm going to make him forget about his sadness through the power of...
- Distraction!
- He's gone.

Captain: I could turn this department around if you'd let me. You're wasting my talents.
Gina: This man is a Timberlake, and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.

Hitchcock: Oh, no. Her number! It's totally ruined. I knew I shouldn't have had those breakfast wings.
Scully: Oh, bud, I'm so sorry.
Hitchcock: Now all I have to remember her by is this tooth.
Amy: What the hell? Why do you have that?
Hitchcock: We were eating pizza, and it fell out of her mouth.
Scully: Well, this is perfect. We can use it to find her.
Hitchcock: What do you mean?
Scully: We just have to try fitting that tooth into the mouth of every woman in New York City till we find the matching gum hole of your one true love.
Hitchcock: My life is like a fairytale!

Jake: For the final heist, we will all be competing for this.
Raymond: Is that my medal of valor from the very first heist?
Jake: It is modeled after it, yes, but this far more meaningful.
Raymond: I got mine for saving the life of Maya Angelou.
Jake: Boring! This one says Grand Champion on it and it's made out of golt, a non-gold alloy that should not be handled by women who are pregnant or nursing. Yours is garbage.

- We need to talk.
- Can we not do this right now, Terry?
- I'm in the midst of a personal tragedy.
- Oh, my god, is everything okay with your family?
- Family? What?
- No, this is serious.
- Floorgasm just came by and danced me out of the group.

Captain: And so concludes this year's Secret Santa drawing. Just a quick reminder of the rules: $40 limit, no perishable items, and no homemade massage coupons, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Fine, then everyone'll have to pay full price for them.
Jake: Oh, Captain. I would like a $40 gift card to any restaurant that serves nachos.
Captain: I don't have you, Peralta.
Jake: Not only do I know that you do indeed have me, but I also know who everyone else has.
Terry: That's not possible.
Jake: Perhaps not for an ordinary man such as yourself, Jeffords. But for the brilliant mind of Detective Sherlock Peralta - I legally changed my name - it's quite simply... elementary. For, you see, Amy made a face I only recognized from our bedroom, which means that she has Captain Holt. Charles has Terry. His eyes keep shifting over to him.
Charles: [shifts eyes to Terry] No, I don't.
Jake: Terry looked disgusted, which means he has Hitchcock. Rosa didn't draw a name, nor did she put one in. She doesn't wanna participate.
Rosa: Never do.
Jake: Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads and he quite clearly said Char-les.
Hitchcock: I did get Char-les.
Jake: Scully has Amy. He's hold his paper name-side out.
Scully: Oh, he's good.
Jake: And I have Scully, which means Captain Holt has me. I'll be taking that gift card. Daddy loves nachos.

Jake: A countdown clock, green text on a black background: we are in full-on action-movie mode. Now all I need is my no-nonsense captain to tell me to focus, because time is running out.
Captain: Peralta.
Jake: Yes?
Captain: You have something in your teeth. It's, uh, quite off-putting.
Jake: What? No. "Time is running out." I fed you your line. No one ever has something in their teeth in a movie. Watch a movie, stupid Holt.

Raymond: I could really use this day off to spend some time with my husband.
Rosa: Oh, please. We all have loved ones. You're not getting any sympathy just because you're gay.
Jake: Rosa, I don't think he was...
Raymond: No, I was. She saw right through me. Nevertheless, I will destroy you all.

Amy: I would never fabricate numbers. I love numbers.
Jake: Numbers can't be a father to your child, Amy.

Rosa: Where's Holt? He told me to come in here.
Gina: Nope, that was me. I've been recording his voice for the past two years and now I have a soundboard where I can make him say anything I want. Check it out.
Captain: [on Linetti's soundboard] Diaz... I... need... to... see... you... in... the... briefing... room... now.
Gina: Pretty cool, right? Watch this.
Captain: [on Linetti's soundboard] No... no... lemonade... around... the... corner... fudge... is... made.
Rosa: That was amazing.
Gina: Isn't it?
Rosa: What do you want?
Gina: To find you love.
Rosa: [rolling her eyes] Ugh!
Gina: Come on, check it out.
[picture of a woman appears on a screen]
Gina: Denica, 34, the only female trader...
Rosa: [cutting Linetti off] Pass. Finance people are the worst.
Gina: Okay.
[picture of a second woman appears on a screen]
Gina: Well take a gander at Jessica, professional stuntwoman. Just back from a surf trip in Bali.
Rosa: Pass. People who surf never shut up about it.
Gina: Kinda true, you know who doesn't surf?
[picture of a third woman appears on a screen]
Gina: Gabrielle.
Rosa: I'm out.
Gina: Come on Rosa. Just give me a shot, if I mess it up, fine I'll drop it, and I'll never bring it up again.
Rosa: Fine. One date, that's all you get.
Gina: That's all I need.
Captain: [on Linetti's soundboard] Hey... Diaz... enjoy... having... sexual... fun... with... Linetti's... lesbian... friend... get... some... get... some... get... some...

- Well, then I guess that only leaves us one option.
- And now wag those tails.
- Peralta: Find out everything we can about the squad, and take her down from the inside.
- Keep wagging back there.
- I am wagging, Brenda!

- Idonttouch other dudes' hands.
- Whose hand is sticky?
- It might be me.
- I ate a Popsicle earlier.
- Holt: It's probably Madeline.
- Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.
- You would know about roaches, you roach.
- And three! Suicide squad!

Captain: Wuntch.
Chief: Hello, Raymond. You're looking old and sickly.
Captain: So nice of you to greet us, Madeline. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.
Chief: Sticks and stones, Raymond.
Captain: Describing your breakfast?

Raymond: At 3:30 am this morning I seem to have sent Kevin a digital phallus portrait.
Rosa: A digital phallus portrait, what's that? Oh no! You sent him a d**k pic.

- but we never do it because it's, you know, birdwatchin'.
- But we could finally go.
- He would love that.
- Wow, stabbed in the back by my own mom.
- What? Wife! I said wife!
- Why do you keep not hearing me?
- Whatever, let's just do
- Terry's plan.

Raymond: As many of you know, Madeline and I were bitter rivals, but I've come to realize she held a special place in my life. No one challenged me like she did or made me feel as alive. Our relationship was like an epic chess match. And it's hard to believe that... She'll never make another move.
[He hears a notification on his phone]
Raymond: Unless...
[He checks his phone]
Raymond: No, it's just a notification. Cheddar's doggy toothpaste has shipped. So she is gone, and I wish she were not. I will miss you, Madeline Wuntch.

- No, Charles, not you.
- I was talking about cheddar.
- Oh, right, obviously.
- Over the past month, I've had him trained to retrieve plaques.
- And now, boy, it's time to make daddy proud.
- Yes, sir.
- I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog.

Jake: We've been here too long. This is getting dangerous.
Charles: Danger is my maiden name.

Amy: Check it: I got a copy of last year's workplace conflict presentation. All we have to do is study the crap out of it, then we can answer every question before that tool from HR even asks it. We'll be done in no time.
Rosa: So your solution for getting us out of the boring seminar is having us memorize the boring seminar.
Amy: Exactly.
Raymond: It's genius, and it's fun. I love committing things to memory.

Rosa: In just 14 hours Amy put together the most amazing non-wedding wedding in history.
Amy: Better than "Sleepless in Seattle".
Adrian: Nope. That is also Nora Ephron. Kill yourself.

- Okay. No big deal.
- Five days is nothing.
- I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts.
- My thoughts are awesome.
- Die hard 6 on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me,
- I'm gonna die alone... oh, boy, that happened fast.
- Guard? Guard!

- That's not true.
- What are you doing here?
- I am here on a date, who is now leaving.
- Worth it. Have a great night.
- Oh. Your boss seems really nice.
- He's not my boss. Yes, I am.

Amy: It's happening. Put on your head.
Charles: Oh, with pleasure. I love disappearing into a role. I'm Argyle James Hopford, a bachelor bunny who's carrying out a scandalous affair with a local goose.

[first lines]
Jake: This job is eating me alive. I can't breathe anymore. I spent all these years trying to be the good guy, the man in the white hat. I'm not becoming like them. I am them.
Amy: Hey! What are you doing, weirdo?
Jake: I'm doing the best speech from "Donnie Brasco". Or actually, ten of me are doing the best speech from "Donnie Brasco". What's up?

- you get an extra 15 minutes to finish up.
- Oh. Perfect, so we should just try and sneak in an entrance through the back.
- Boyle, you'll have to stay here. It's too dangerous.
- No way I let you take that risk alone.
- Damn it, you are loyal.
- Shall we?

Amy: Oh, my God. You're awake. I can't believe it. You're actually awake.
Jake: Hey. Wait a minute. What's going on? I gotta get back to the heist.
Amy: No! The heist? Jake, you've been in a coma for seven years.
Jake: What?

Geoffrey: I had to grab a few things at the art supply store. Kidnapping is 90 percent crafting.

- We go back to being archrivals. No two ways about it.
- Yep, I'll boil yourflesh and drink from your skull.
- Yeah, totally. I'll do that to you too, if I win.
- We're both lunatics.
- NYPD! Down on the ground!
- Diaz: Ocampo, freeze!

Amy: Did I do something to you? Are you mad? Is this because I brushed all the crumbs off your desk?
Jake: What? No, I don't care about that. Do you know where they are?

- I don't have feelings for Amy anymore. So...
- Time for me to get out there and spread my wings.
- Legs.
- Get out there and spread my legs?
- Well, either way.
- No. Not either way. Only wings.

- A little bit.
- All right, let's text halloway and set up the drop. Okay, yeah.
- Got the diamonds. Let's meet.
[Cell phone tone] Done.
- Okay, now we wait.
- Now we wait.

Raymond: We have intel on a drop house used by Alexei Bisko, a Captain in the Ukrainian mafia.
Jake: Oh, he should be psyched. That's a very up-and-coming mafia.

Jake: I'm sure our hoots pale in comparison to the hoots that you had back in the day. I bet things got supes hoots.

- "Please let us know if there's anything we can do."
- "Sent from my stinky butt."
- I was hacked?
- Thank you for the email.
- It means a lot to me.
[Sighs] You're very welcome.
- I was addressing your stinky butt.

Jake: [Reacting to the gang's intervention, who are trying to give him a haircut] Wait, wait, okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'll admit it.
[sotto voce]
Jake: I went too deep down there in Florida. At one point, I think I forgot where the tip of me ended, and the base of the tips began.

Terry: You drank a soda? Not sure that's the worst thing in the world.
Captain: It was the worst thing in the world. Worse than a fruit-forward Riesling. No, I'm not exaggerating.

Captain: I don't think your wrist is supposed to move like that.
Jake: No, it's been like this since I broke it playing football in high school.
[Captain Holt doesn't believe him]
Jake: Fine, I petted a horse too hard.

[Scoffs] Nope.
- It's like I never even drank.
- And that's not a hangover cure?
- What, that?
- Nah, it's just some...
- Protein...
- For my guns. I drink one every morning before I lift.

Doug: Criminals? That's how you see us? Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family? Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games? Or to steal video games, because you smoked all that weed you were supposed to sell?
Captain: Yes, all of those are crimes.
Doug: Damn, even the bread one?
Captain: Especially the bread one.

Jake: [hostage-taker Doug Judy requests Jake as negotiator, and the usual police negotiator doesn't like it] Since we all agree, I'll go tell Judy that the plan is on.
Negotiator: We don't all agree. He's trapped and desperate. Everything he told you is a lie.
Jake: Why do you say he's lying?
Negotiator: That's all negotiating is. Two liars, lying to each other until one liar stands too close to the window and gets shot in the head.
Jake: That can't be all negotiating is.
Negotiator: It absolutely is.

Jake: All right, let's get this thing going. Scully will be locked in the supply closet with his bracelet.
Scully: Can I lie down on the floor?
Jake: Uh, yeah. You can do whatever you want. And you're already on the ground. With Hitchcock. And you both have pillows.
Hitchcock: Best day ever.

Amy: All right, you mooks, our union health plan has 100% reimbursement for out-of-state ambulance rides. Scully will fake a medical emergency.
Scully: Don't need to fake it. Always having at least one.

Raymond: How can you not know your own wife's phone number?
Jake: It's saved in my phone. Stupid smartphones, making me so dumb by giving me the world's knowledge at my fingertips.
Raymond: Well, I don't know anyone's phone number either, except for Kevin's, and obviously, we can't call him.
Jake: How do you not know a single phone number? I've literally watched you memorize the entire terms and conditions agreement for a credit card.
Raymond: True, but to make room for important information like that, I regularly purge my brain of useless facts like phone numbers or the names of people's children.

- One?
- Peralta: Come on. You're not even moving. Let's go.
- Get your hands off me! I've heard about this in the news.
- You're cyber-bullying me!
- Shh. Shh.
- I'm getting the manager.
- Get the hell away from me.
- You're very misinformed.
- Please don't... damn it.

- See. Cheddar almost blew our cover.
- I told you not to mess with him.
- Charles, he smelled food and he wanted to eat it.
- He's a dog, not a supervillain.
- I don't know. He's really staring you down right now.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah? Watch this.

- Actually, I was calling you a goat, you goat.
- Oh! [Both laughing]
- I'd like to talk about my promotion.
- Very well. But first, how do I know you're not wearing a wire?
- I need to pat you down.
- If you must.

Jake: [phone ringing] He's calling. Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.
Captain: There isn't time. Just answer.
Jake: Okay.
[answers phone]
Jake: You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner. Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

- Check it out, sir.
- A lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you all the way from Paris.
- Straight from Paris.
- Holt: Stapler, scissors.
- Rubber bands.
- That man really knows me.

Jake: I can prove that I filled up my tank, all right? I even have a receipt, because I keep all my receipts like a mature adult person.
[Pulls out a pocket-full]
Jake: Laser tag, wheelie shoes, remote control monster truck...

Charles: I can't do this to my mouth, she's the love of my life.

- So, how are you holding up?
- I don't know.
- I'm still in shock.
- You?
- I'm basically handling it the way I dealt with my dad leaving.
- Just repressing the hell out of it.
- So, alotofchange around here, huh?

Raymond: Wuntch's grave.
Rosa: Wow. Did Terry put up a balloon arch just for the heist?
Raymond: No, that was me. I come every week to install a fresh one. But enough chit-chat. Let's dig her up.
Amy: I don't think we wanna do that.
Raymond: Why, are you scared of what she'd look like? She's just a corpse with worms for eyes, no different than when she was alive.

- So, what are you saying?
- Can I take this for a test drive?
- Yeah, sure.
- The ignition is here.
- I've ridden atvs before.
- Antiquing in the berkshires.

Amy: [on her date] Well, he's nice, and he uses proper punctuation in texts.
Jake: Dreamboat.

- This is bisko's aunt's apartment.
- Maybe she's seen something.
- Let's just get this over with.
- Yes? Peralta: It's bisko. Fire escape.
- I'll cut him off at the back.
- Freeze! NYPD!

Jake: I'm looking for your foster brother, George.
Doug: Hate the guy. Stole from my mom, burned our house down. Worst of all, he ran off with my LP of Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required." It's my favorite album. Haven't heard it in 20 years.
Jake: I mean, can't you just stream it?
Doug: Can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
Jake: Right. Vinyl and whatnot.

- I just love this look.
- Okay, fine. 80 you all knew we were pregnant.
- Good for you. But I bet you didn't figure out that we're having twins.
- No, not really. It's one baby.
- I just needed to see
- Charles faint.

- Terry, you just pulled two doubles.
- You must be tired.
- I'll stay for this Whitman debacle. You go home.
- I'm not tired. Why would you think I was tired?

- Would you actually mind just checking out my report?
- It's pretty thorough, and I spent over an hour on fonts.
- Kind of snazzy. So...
- Oh, thank you.
- I'll get right to it.
- Thanks. Trevor, let's go.
- Have a good one.

- Moving on, we're going to need disguises.
- And since we're going to a public library, the best way to fit in is as...
- Scholars. Weird perverts.
- Yes, weird perverts is far better.
- Farbefier

- His character's name is
- Memphis Raines. I'm so sorry.
- No, I'm not abandoning my husband. I love him.
- Yeah, I love him too.
- Everybody loves Raymond.
- I think that's pretty funny!
- It doesn't matter.
- You got to go. Get the hell out of here, I got this.

Jake: All right, listen, Fogle. We have a councilman in the hospital and his shooter is still at large. We don't have time for this incompetence. I want your partner off the case, what's his name?
Officer: It's Raymond Holt.
Jake: Oh! It's Dad... I mean, Captain Holt! I mean, Captain Dad. I mean, Officer Holt. I mean, Officer Dad. Yep, that was it. Officer Dad, I found it.

Amy: That's why when they say it's test time, you diaper up!

- I look out there and see an opportunity.
- I'm going to slide on that slippery floor, all the way from holt's office to the elevator.
- You're going to do the fbp?
- That's right, Rosa.
- I'm doing the full bullpen!
- Here we go. [Sharp breaths]

Officer: We may be arguing, but we're all thinking the same thing: Terry talks about his children too much.
Lieutenant: Do I really? You all think that?
Officer: Keep a lid on the box, Pandora. You won't like what's inside.

Jake: Just you and me, and towel makes three.

The: I'm in command here. Look around you. I control all of this. You see that guy behind you? That sniper?
Terry: Yeah.
The: He'll shoot whoever I tell him to. Even you.
Sniper: No, I won't.
The: Fine. Then he'll sit on any rooftop I tell him to. Hey, go sit on that rooftop, guy.

- Oh, no.
- We're going to Los Angeles for the funeral next week.
- I'll have the travel details later.
- Hey, has anyone seen a worm?
- Because this funky chicken's hungry.
- Charles, a man has died.
- Read the room!

Jake: Come on man. Just tell me who you are. I need to fill this thing out perfectly, so my boss will get off my back. Are you a minor? How old are you?
Trevor: 610. I'm a highlander.
Jake: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna put that in there, and then you're gonna be tried as an adult highlander. And they're gonna cut your head off. Is that what you want?

Rosa: You spent the whole day flirting with Amy.
Jake: Yeah, we're joking around because we're friends now that I've moved on.
Rosa: Then prove it. Beat Amy and don't flirt with her at all.
Jake: Fine, easy. But you better tell Katie to clear out her schedule out Thursday for a date, 'cause I'm working nights until then and the following weekend I am out of town, let's do this.

Captain: [to potential ATV buyers] These machines are death traps. If you purchase one, you will be maimed.
Jake: [laughs] You won't be maimed. Most of the injuries are internal.

Gina: It's daylight, Boyle. Why are we talking?

- It's not mad Max.
- We're neck and neck with rice pudding.
- You got Korean tacos on your six.
- Oh, my god, it's real.
- We're on the fury road.
- Witness me, blood bag!
- Hold on tight!

Doug: [to Jake] You trying to get your freak on with my sister?
Jake: What? No!
Doug: I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Jake: I am *not* looking at Trudy Judy's booty!
Doug: Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't be snooty.
Jake: She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.
Terry: And you're married.
Jake: Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

- That's an old woman.
- That's someone's grandma.
- She was, actually.
- That's how I met her.
- Ugh. I went to college with her grandson, Marvin.
- Don't knock it until you try it. She had a replacement hip with some serious torque.
- It was like having sex with a transformer.
- That is no one's fantasy.

Jake: That kind of evidence would never hold up at trial. You'd be laughed out of court.
Frank: I've only been laughed at in court once, and that was because I made a terrific joke.
Raymond: I was there. It was hilarious.

Rosa: Hey, we're about to do the Taser challenge, you guys want in?
Terry: What's the Taser challenge?
Rosa: We Tase each other then drink.
Terry: How do you win?
Rosa: What are you, a lawyer? You want in or not?

Amy: NYPD, freeze! We are work colleagues!
Jake: You're under arrest! This is a work event!

Amy: Hey, I saw you earlier. You weren't in the bathroom. You were on a park bench playing on your phone. Yeah, you left me to do everything while I thought you were pooping.
[angry]
Amy: I wish you were pooping! I wish to God!
Rosa: [teary-eyed, sad] I'm sorry.
Amy: Oh, Rosa, crying. Don't know what to do.
[Pats Rosa awkwardly on the head]
Amy: Pat, pat.
[beat]
Amy: This feels wrong.

- We've got a team on the back entrance, a team watching the house, and a marksman on that hill.
- Oh, hey, tell your men if they find the money first, that I get to riffle it next to my ear and go, "it's all here."
- Aheadytomthenljake.
- Loveyou, bud.
- All right, let's lock and load!

Terry: Hey, guys. How you feeling, Gina?
Gina: Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't. Almond Joy's got nuts. Mounds don't.
Jake: She's very hopped up on painkillers.
Gina: Hold up, when did you learn French, Monsieur La baguette?
Jake: [in French accent] Oh, as a bebe.
Gina: Oh, oui! Oui, oui, oui, oui.
Jake: It actually helps to play along, I'm assuming.

Amy: Not getting the job you want stinks. In first grade, I was passed over for line leader and I'm still pissed. Kyle D's lines had curves and gaps and cutting galore-it was a fricken carnival.
Jake: Shyeah. What's a line leader?

Scully: Thanks, everybody, for coming out to Hitchcock's divorce party.
Raymond: Why is the cake two men getting married?
Scully: That's me and Hitchcock. The boys are back together!
Raymond: This cake is for a gay wedding. The inside is a rainbow.
Scully: Nuh-uh. It's my favorite flavor: All the flavors!
Hitchcock: I can't believe Bethany's gone. It was so out of the blue.
Jake: Well, not entirely. I mean, she did have an affair with her hairdresser, and you filmed it and threatened to release the tape, and then she said she didn't care and put it on the internet herself, and then, when it started to make money, you sued her for half the profits.
Hitchcock: And then boom, out of the blue: Divorce papers.

Jake: I should not have gone to that party. I shouldn't have gone to that bathroom. I should not have arrested her boss.
Terry: I don't see it that way. You did everything right. You were a good cop.
Jake: Good lonely cop.
Terry: Hey, man, you put yourself out there. You weren't breezy. You like Sophia, you fought for her. You should be proud.
Captain: No, you should be changing her auto-correct. What's her last name?
Jake: Perez.
Captain: No. It's "Butt" now. Sophia Butt.

Terry: When I got stopped the other day, I wasn't a cop. I wasn't a guy in the neighborhood looking for his daughter's toy. I was a black man - a dangerous black man. That's all he could see: a threat. And I couldn't stop thinking about my daughters - and their future - and how years from now, they could be walking down the street, looking for their kid's Moo Moo, and get stopped by a bad cop. And they probably won't get to play the police card to get out of trouble. I don't like that thought.

Jake: I'll have you know that a dog's butt is cleaner than a human's mouth.
Terry: That can't be true.
Jake: Well, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth, and dog mouths lick dog butts, so you tell me where my theory is wrong.

Captain: Thank you for coming in on your day off. I know you'd all rather be at home, binge watching media content.
Jake: Oh! I just started the second season of media content. No spoilers.

- If you would all take a seat while I make a toast.
- Kindly raise your two liters.
- To freedom, to you, and most importantly, to orange drank.
- And sex with Amy.
- All: To sex with Amy!
- Sorry. Shouldn't have said that last part.

Jake: Terry turned my spine into a loose stack of pebbles.

Captain: [Off camera] Hallo?
Raymond: She's coming. Hide.
Jake: Title of your sex tape?

Jake: Gentlemen, may I present to you the Suicide Squad.
The: Hang on there, genius. You want us, your enemies, to help you bring down Commissioner Kelly?
Captain: You guys consider me your enemy? You're some of my best friends.
Jake: We haven't talked to you in, like, three years, C.J.
Captain: Wait, yeah. I'm thinking of different guys.

Charles: Texting... that's the most intimate thing you can do to a lover with your fingers... other than washing their hair.

- All right, they're gone.
- Ceremonial bagel.
- Flask.
- Flame.
[Singing] Jimmy jabs
- Jimmy jabs let the games begin.

Jake: Amy, Amy, we've got a problem. Charles found out I was leaving somehow and he got so upset that he ran away. I don't know where he went and he's not answering his phone.
Amy: Don't you have a tracker implanted in his brain or something?
Jake: Amy, I would never do that. It's a serious medical procedure. Which is why I had a doctor do it eight years ago when they were operating on the bullet wounds in Charles' butt.

- Let's take one hour apart for research and prep. Yeah.
- Great, we'll just do a Lincoln-Douglas.
- I'd be careful if I were you.
- Relationships are like bowels.
- Once you get them twisted, they can never untwist.
- Pam, you're in here again.

Captain: Santiago, shall we join forces?
Amy: Ooh, smart, teaming up with the reigning champ.
Captain: Again with this nonsense? I'm the reigning champ. The only thing you won last heist was a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake.

Amy: Scully and Hitchcock, you're in charge of seating.
Scully: Smart move, Amy. I've been called the Leonardo da Vinci of sitting on my ass.

- Being too thorough.
- Caring too much?
- Got it.
- Something entirely different.
- Rosa. Look.
- Lohank is shaving right now.

Jake: [Apologizing to Boyle] Well, I kept talking about how I wanted everything to go back to normal, but if that actually happened, this little guy wouldn't be here. Or is he big? I don't know what size kids are supposed to be, or anything about kids, really.

- Both: They shared the flan!
- Okay, but... that seems like a bit of a stretch.
- Nope. When it comes to cheating, you gotta pay attention to all the signs.
- During my year abroad in
- Japan, I learned that the hard way.
- Chiaki...

- and makes you smell like a dead fish.
- Santiago: Ew.
- Who's got two stinky thumbs that stink like rotten salmon?
- This stinky guy.
- You suck.
- Ready or not, here comes my hellhound!

Jake: The point is we all think Mr. Bean is sexy as hell and wish we looked exactly like him.
Officer: You're closer than you think.

Jake: Oh, hey! We were just looking for a place to, uh...
Amy: ...boink.
Jake: Yep. Boink. That's my preferred term for it as well.

- But I'll be back for you.
- I'll wait.
- And while I'm waiting,
- I will find that FBI agent and I will rip his head off with my bare hands.
- That is the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me.
- Iloveyou. Iloveyou.

Captain: [Captain Holt is trying to raise the group's moral, by throwing an after-work party] How about some tunes?
[upbeat Sousa march]
Rosa: [ironically, deadpan] Cool, merry-go-round music.
Captain: Yeah, John Phillips Sousa, the Skrillex of his day. C'mon, people, hit the dance floor. Have a good time.
[Starts dancing, but noone's following]
Captain: Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it. Gina, why aren't you dancing?
Gina: I can't. I'm in the middle of a feud with the "that's not a knife" guy from "Crocodile Dundee". He's being a real bitch.

Geoffrey: You never should have arrested me.
Jake: But I basically got your cocaine charges dropped. You only had to do 40 hours of community service.
Geoffrey: Right, but I wanted to get them all done at once, so for energy, I did way too much cocaine and meth. Went on a prolonged psychotic episode involving assault, public fornication, and, apparently, the touching of my scrotum to every doorknob in a synagogue.

Captain: Wait. Why is he writing the solution to my formula for no reason? And why is he drawing colorful underpants beneath it?
Charles: Oh, I see what's happening. He's drawing Boy Riga, loyal sidekick to his favorite cool superhero, Captain Latvia.
Nikolaj: That's his symbol. He distributes grain evenly among the working class.

- Um, we usually try to tell funnier little stories.
- Well, there's nothing funny about what I did for the butcher.
- I've had to learn not to blink, because every time I close my eyes, I see a fresh horror.
- Ooh, dark.
- Actually, I have a very funny story about keeping my eyes moist.

Gina: I never have second thoughts. That's the luxury of having great first thoughts.

Charles: Sorry, my partner doesn't believe in therapy.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, that's fine. It's hard for some people.
Jake: Title of your sex tape.

- He wants to talk to you.
- Get the hell in there.
- Ooh, it says "negotiator" on it.
- This is Jake peralta.
- I am unarmed and I'm approaching the building.

- Don't look at me. Terry wastes all that time building muscles, make him do it.
- Oh, come on, you all know these are just for show.
- Gina's the one who set him free.
- How was I supposed to know there'd be consequences for my actions? Boyle: Enough.
- I started this.
- I'm going to end it.

Jake: Why aren't you guys on your way to the airport?
Jocelyn: Oh, I'm gonna miss my flight, but it's worth it. It means a lot that Rosa bailed on all this just for me.
Jake: Aww.
Captain: You did what, Diaz?
Jake: Now, sir, I told her it was okay. If you're gonna be mad at anyone, be mad at me.
Captain: Okay, I am mad at you.
Jake: What? No. I didn't think you were really gonna be mad. That backfired. Be mad at Rosa.

Jocelyn: Excuse me, do you have a less crinkly dollar I could trade you for?
Captain: Of course I do. None of my dollars has a single crinkle. When they do, I steam them.
[Hands her a dollar bill]
Jocelyn: Oh. Wow, that is crisp.
Captain: [Looks at the crinkly dollar she gave him] Can't wait to get this baby home and flatten it out.

- Where's Nikolaj? He's crying in the closet. Gotta go.
- Babe, what are you doing?
- I was hiding so I could surprise you.
- But ifyou're here, then who's in our shower?
- It's me, captain holt.
- It's heist day, Jake.
[All exclaiming] Oh!

Jocelyn: Look, I love being with you, but how often am I actually with you?
Rosa: We're together every night.
Jocelyn: Unless you're at work, or doing work, or thinking about work. It's like you never have time for me.
Jake: I'm sorry, but Rosa doesn't have time for you. We have a really important work thing. That was bad. Let me try rephrasing it. You are not as important as Rosa's job. Oh, wow. That was way worse.

Rosa: [Trying to solve a riddle] I can do this. One guy's slightly heavier. There's a seesaw. I got it.
[In Holt's office]
Rosa: You use the seesaw to press down on their necks until fatty confesses.
Raymond: Incorrect.
Gina: Damn.
Raymond: And disturbing.

Rosa: Captain Holt hates pranks. This is gonna backfire, man.
Jake: Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down. I'll... move his podium a foot to the left.
Amy: What? He'll be so angry.
Jake: Okay, five inches.
Amy: Five?
Jake: Three?
Amy: Three!
Jake: One?
Amy: One?
Jake: All right. I'll move it a half inch.
Amy: Fine. It's your funeral.
Jake: Oh my god. Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain: Good morning.
[He puts his papers on the podium but stops for a second, realizing something is off]
Captain: You guys... the podium, it's... Ha.
[chuckles]
Captain: [laughter intensifies]
[riotous laughter]
Captain: [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?

- and we're going to bet on which one happens first.
- So, will Hitchcock put fish food in Scully's lemonade, or will Scully drink
- Hitchcock's goldfish?
- Now, you would think that putting fish food into lemonade...
- Hitchcock just drank his own fish.
- What? No!

- I'm not asking!
- It's a suicide mission!
- Then prepare for death.
- You've lost your mind!
- This is a direct order, detective! Get in line!
- Hey. You guys startled Hitchcock.
- He spilled two full jars of spaghetti sauce on himself.
- Thanks a lot, fellas.

- He has access to the bat cave.
- Plus he gets to drive all of
- Batman's girlfriends home and dish.
- Peralta: Doy!
- Oh, hey. How are you,
- Mrs. Sarge?
- You look normal.
- Hi, Jake. Charles.
- Hold on, honey. I gotta check my emails and then I'll be ready to go.

Terry: Great seminar, sad it's over, but it is, so see ya.
Brad: Actually, I have good news. State law requires that this seminar be no less than six hours, so I guess we'll spend the next two hours diving into specific conflicts about this workplace and solving them.
Amy: [Shocked] But we beat you. We beat you with study.

Adrian: Oh my god, there's a bomb in my chest!

Julia: [Rosa and her parents are playing a sketching game. Rosa draws two brides holding hands, with a big heart over them, as a way to make them understand she's bisexual. Her mother doesn't get it] Uhh, a woman. Uhh, uh, lady. Uhh, women. Two women. Holding hands, uh, friends. Ohh, mm, uhh sisters! Ooh! Business partners. Uh, um, ooh, oh, oh, co-owners of a chocolate shop! Oh, love. Love... What do women love? The George Clooney!

Jake: Rosa's wearing pink. Rosa's wearing pink!
Amy: Are we sure it's not a white shirt that's just been bloodied in a motorcycle crash?
Terry: Maybe it wasn't her. Does she have a twin sister?
Gina: If Rosa had a twin, she would've eaten her in the womb.

Terry: [Holt has officiated at the wedding] I gotta hand it to you, Captain. That was some ceremony.
Captain: It wasn't difficult. I simply said what I wish had been said when Kevin and I got married.
Kevin: Oh, well, then I never would have heard your hilarious "efficient/officiant" quip.
Captain: Hmm, you're right. I regret nothing. But all this does make me think I might enjoy a more festive expression of our commitment to one another.
Kevin: Are you suggesting we hold an honest to goodness wedding?
Captain: Hmm. Nothing too elaborate. We're not the Kardashian-Wests, after all. They are a musician and a celebrity personality who recently wedded.
Kevin: Yes, yes, I know, they were answers on Jeopardy.
Captain: I think you mean questions.
[Both laugh]
Terry: [pauses] You guys are fun.

- Hey, Gina. Do you got that file
- I needed captain holt to sign?
- Mmm-hmm.

Adrian: I love you babe.
Rosa: Love you too.
Adrian: Yeah!
Amy: Must be so nice having Pimento back. I mean, you shouldn't eat that sandwich.
Rosa: Something's wrong. He's acting weird...
Amy: -er than normal?

Neil: Gina, why did you want to take astronomy?
Gina: Because I thought it would be cool, just me sitting around naming moons left and right, like Zorp, Bong, Dingo. Etcetera. That would be one of the names, Etcetera.
Terry: She's gonna fail, isn't she?
Neil: Big time.
Terry: Yeah.

- Thank you kindly, little lady.
- Gio costa, you're under arrest.
- Want that drink now, Hitchcock?
- Don't mind if I do, Scully.
- Don't mind if I do.

Doug: Sussudio demands vinyl.

- And blanks. Sorry. I just never think ofjokes.
- Anybody else?
- This is your last chance.
- Oh, god. No need to be so testes.
- Guess you won't be Manning the tip line.
- Sergeant, is this going to go on your "spermanent" record?
- Now playing scrotal recall.

Trudy: Wait, we destroyed your phone. How did you call for backup?
Jake: That was actually easy. When Doug was distracted, yelling at the concierge, I swapped out my waterlogged phone for his.
Doug: Damn, I would have noticed that if I wasn't trying to live in the moment and not look at my phone so much.

- Sowytohear aboutyourhand. Thanks it makes it really hard to manipulate my egg sack.
- Look. Here's the deal.
- I did myjunior year abroad in Tokyo, and my girlfriend, chiaki...
- She broke my heart.

Victor: You're not good enough for my Amy. I don't want my only daughter dating a screw-up.
Jake: Oh, yeah? Well, I don't want my only girlfriend daughtering a jerk-dad. Burn on you.

- something so shocking that it will stay with you for the rest of your lives, much like this interpretive dance piece, entitled "the linexit."
- This dance will be performed in four movements, each one expressing one aspect of my personality.

- Okay, so let's Fanny up, batch boys, because it's time to party.
- Whoop, whoop!
- Yes.
- Whoop, whoop,
- Raymond in the kangol.
[Softly] Let's go.

Jake: I think we need to find that hot dog cart guy.
Charles: Okay, fine. But who do we know that could find us a random New York hot dog guy?
Hitchcock: [Cut to Hitchcock and Scully, who arrive at the crime scene in slow motion, sunglasses on] So, you need a little help from the Weiner Warriors.
Jake: Well, I hate that. Just tell us what you know, please?
Hitchcock: There's Lou's Dogs, he serves 'em up real plump.
Scully: Big Mike's does two dogs per bun.
Hitchcock: Hank's Franks... great mustard selection.
Scully: Vicki's Vegan? I'd rather eat *bleep*.
Hitchcock: Charlie does an al dente dog, it's got a really nice chew.
Scully: Johnny Arkansas serves it Little Rock style, although he can serve it Razorback-style.
Jake: Okay, enough, enough! We don't have time for this! Just tell us who has a cart at 6th and 11th.
Hitchcock: Oh, there are no hot dog carts there.
Charles: What? Never?
Scully: No way.
Hitchcock: Not a chance!
Scully: Zoning issue. Forget about it, Jake. It's Hungertown.

Captain: [Speaking to Jake] You're a good cop. Even if you are a thirsty-ass bitch.

Scully: Ooh, I hope my butts are back.
Doug: I do not like how butts have become your thing, Trudy. You used to love horses.
Scully: Horses have butts.

Jake: [Realising who the assailant is] Oh, my God, that's it.
Gina: [Very drugged] That is it! The treasure is in the Forest of Enchanted Secrets! Let's go!
Jake: No, we can't. We have to stay here and guard the Amulet of Destiny.
Gina: True dat, true dat.

Jake: What hurts the most is knowing that prisoners are treated this way every day in our penal system. Also, he kicked me in the wiener a bunch.

- What about you?
- Why were you looking for real estate in ropesburg, New Jersey?
- Ropesburg pd offered me a job as their new police captain.
- I turned it down.
- Oh! You! Captain. [Chuckles]
- That's super, super, cool.

Jordan: A great viral video like that could fetch me ten grand. And do you know what type of tanning bed I could get for that kind of money?
[beat, then intensely]
Jordan: A mid-range one.
Captain: Not necessary. Your tan is great as-is. You look like an evenly-stained deck.
Jordan: All right, dude. Keep it in your pants. Like, I get why you're into this, and I could see something going on with us later, but right now, I need the cash.

- Let's send these shoes to hell.
- Oh, wait.
- Eh, it just smells worse than before.
- Ugh! Oh!
- Abort.

- Oh, my god.
- I've mastered all the moves.
- The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie-doodle.
- Why are you telling me this?
- Because no one will ever believe you.
- Peralta: No. No.
- You sick son of a bitch.

- Oh, we have a promotion on the code rad.
- It comes with a free cigarette.
- Oh, no, that doesn't matter.
- We don't need it.
- If you don't want it,
- I'll take it.
- Peralta: No, no. Don't do that. Smoking is bad.
- You should quit smoking right now! Hey.

Charles: So those threatening phone calls were being made to Tim Orsk of Tim O's Limos.
Hitchcock: That's interesting. This Orsk guy's name keeps cropping up in this case.
Charles: 'Cause he's the victim!

Raymond: I'm off to walk my beat again, much like Sisyphus, condemned to push the same boulder up the same hill day in and day out.
Terry: You know, according to French philosopher Albert Camus, Sisyphus achieved happiness in that absurd repetition.
Raymond: Any French philosophy post-Rousseau is essentially a magazine.

Charles: Wow, I can't believe all those lazy childhood afternoons playing Hide The Yam paid off.

Amy: Urgh! Nothing's working!
Rosa: Maybe you just need to laugh. Here, look at this video of a man being trampled by a moose.
Amy: Dear Lord, that's horrifying!
Rosa: I know, it's hilarious.

- Nikolaj? How do you know
- Charles' son?
- My name is gintars. From Latvia.
- I am Nikolaj birth father.
- Nikolaj's birth father who I'd never hoped to meet. Very cool.
- Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool...

Officer: I'm sorry. Are you accusing me of something?
Jake: Was that not clear? Do you need me to say it in Latin?
[in Italian accent]
Jake: I think you sabotage me.

- I just want to say I think it's sad that we, as a society, can no longer laugh at the phrase "broken penis," and it is my dream that we, one day, shall again.
- Team, "broken penis" on three.
- One, two, three... broken penis!
- Yeah, I probably should've seen that coming.

- This way.
- Oh, and do you need the shades?
- No, you don't
- 'cause you're already asleep.
- He forgot the sleep sack.
- And Mac doesn't even care.
- I can't watch this.

Amy: Okay, how can we help? What do you need?
Jake: I need nothing. I am about to solve the case, meet the mayor, and sell my life rights to Channing Tatum so he can play my less attractive brother in the ensuing film.

Bob: I spent 14 years bringing down a Mexican cartel. You know what they gave me for it? A letter of commendation with my last name misspelled.
Captain: In all fairness, Bob, who spells Anderson with three Ns?

- So, mtusahbow ourheads and join together for a moment of silence.
- This church is so quiet.
- Pretty normal for a moment of silence.
- Captain has eyes on a guy he thinks might be scar-Joe.
- Okay, be cool.
- Let's check him out.

- only there's more, and they're better.
- I would now like to express my gratitude the best way I know how, through song.
[Singing] Gratitude grati-tat-tat-tat tatitude!
- Grati-tat-tat-tat-tatitude!
- Gratitude.

Gina: Amateur. Always say your insults to someone's face. No paper trail.

- Good morning, pappy boyle. I love you.
- Good morning, Becca. I love you.
- Ooh, extra-long hug.
- What got into you this morning, pappy?
- Pappy?
- Pappy!

Captain: Gina, get your whackadoodle out of here.

Jake: Sorry, Rosa, if you wanna switch partners this late in the game, they have to have the same skill set as Scully.
Hitchcock: I'm available.
Rosa: Right, or... That filing cabinet kind of looks like Scully.

Jake: Squad, today we write a new chapter in the history of the Nine-Nine. And that chapter begins with the word "Jimmy," and ends with the word "Jab."
Rosa: That chapter's only two words long.
Jake: [Defensively] No, there's a lot of words in between. It's a long chapter.

Amy: Wall Street Journal on the doormat, top floor apartment... 20 bucks says this guy is like a hot, eligible bachelor.
Jake: I'll take that action.
[knocks on door]
Jake: Police, open up!
Old: Hello?
Jake: Oh! Hello sir, how are you today? I am Detective Right-All-The-Time, and this is my partner, Detective Terrible Detective.

Captain: I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.
Jake: But?
Captain: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

Roger: Peralta fathers do not get along with sons.
Jake: What? That's not true. I mean, look at us. We're doing better than ever. This year, you even remembered my birthday month.
Roger: Things are good now, but honestly, it's probably just a blip.
Jake: Well, that's fun to hear.
Roger: Well, that's just the way it is. It's the family curse. I haven't talked to my father since you were 10. His dad abandoned him at the World's Fair. His dad fled to America after drowning his dad in a well.

Terry: Do you need to use a phone to make a call?
Heather: Gross, I don't know any phone numbers.

Charles: I'm so excited, Captain. So how are we gonna do it?
Captain: [Gives him a folder] Here's everything you need to know.
Charles: [the paper in the folder is blank] It's blank.
Captain: It's a metaphor. You get nothing. You lose. Good day, sir.

Charles: You know what they say, "Time flies when God pulls down His pants and takes a dump on your life".

- I never want to hear you say whoo!
- All: I want it that way ah, chills! Literal chills.
- It was number five.
- Number five killed my brother.
- Oh, my god, I forgot about that part.

- The second the sunlight hit it, it turned to dust.
- Sorry, guys, we're stuck with the nice, clean expensive sofa.
- But I guess we'll just have to make do.
- Oh, we'll make do.
- We'll make do all over it.
- Well, I just mean we'll fix it.
- Hells yeah, we will.

- Cop and criminal working together.
- We need a theme song. Oh.
[Singing] The Pontiac bandit and Jake are cops oh.
- Taking down crooks in the streets where they live flirting with girls who are hot for their badge there's a talking police dog that helps them solve crimes

Jake: I think Holt got into my head. We might have to delay the press conference.
Charles: But this is the moment we've been waiting for. My dad's driving home early from his brother's funeral to watch it live.
Jake: Wait, he's doing what?
Charles: If you want me to put it in a better context, I can't. This was very important to him.

Jake: Oh, my God. It's real life "Die Hard." I mean, "Oh, no! Crime."

Captain: So nice of you to stop by, Kevin. Enjoy your day. I hope it's productive.
Kevin: Thank you, Raymond. I hope your day is productive as well.
[Holt and Kevin shake hands]
Kevin: PDA in the office? My, my.
Captain: Couldn't help myself.
Kevin: Oh, may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work?
Captain: Yes. Thank you for asking for permission.
Kevin: Thank you for granting it.

- Gobble, gobble, your tail feather is caught in the gobble door.
- Thank you.
- Gobble... wait, what?
- I think your feathers are ripping.
[Fabric ripping] Gobble.
- Gobble.

Jake: The Association of Brooklyn Public Defenders, A.K.A. The Chamber of Asses. No, wait. That's too sexy. The Chamber of Snakes.

- but the night is always darkest before the dawn.
- This is Shaw's.
- We've had weddings here and funerals.
- Shaw's is part of our family, because that is what we are.
- A family.
- And we're not just Amy and Rosa and Hitchcock and...

Jake: [Dotty is torturing the suspect to get information] Dotty, that's against the law.
Dotty: I am the law.
Jake: What made you like this?

Jake: They're not going to kill you fast Scully. They're going to make it real slow. First they're going to scalp you, and then they're going to rip your tongue out.
Scully: No! That's my cupcake taster.

Jake: While I was gone the dude resurfaced and got in a shootout with another drug dealer. Two civilians got shot. Meanwhile I was sipping piña coladas in Philly. From that day on I vowed to never take time off during a case. Also, I don't love Philly.
Terry: Jake, I get it. Philly sucks.

Doug: I got a new job. I sit behind white CEOs when they have to testify before Congress, so they don't look so racist. Every 15 minutes I just whisper some nonsense at 'em.

Jake: Never took off the speedo. Big mistake, it is inside me.

- Fine. I'm sorry...
- Lever met you, you bald freak!
- Don't you push my desk, you basic bitch!
- Guys, enough. Guys...
- Freak! Biatch!
- The ranch!
- It's all over the floor.

Jake: [about a suspect missing from an accident scene] Okay, Charles, I see two possibilities. One, he was vaporized into a being of pure electricity, becoming a supervillain known only as "The Surge Freak."
Officer: Seems unlikely.
Jake: Yeah, I know, Officer Rick, that's why I said there were two possibilities. He probably just hobbled off so he wouldn't get a DUI. Here, we'll follow this very obvious trail of blood. Happy now?
[Muttering to himself, as he and Charles leave]
Jake: Stupid Officer Rick and his stupid joyless approach to life!

Jake: [trying on Amy Santiago's glasses] You're a blind cop! How has there not been a made-for-TV movie about your struggles?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Drop it! Drop the weapon!
- Squad, meet detective Adrian pimento.
- He's been deep undercover for the last 12 years, but he's just resurfaced, and he's rejoining the nine-nine.
- That is awesome!

Jake: The point is a crime has been committed, and someone in this room did it. There are seven suspects all with means and motive. It appears what we have is a classic whodunnit.
Raymond: The phrase "whodunnit" is a grammatical abomination. Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."
Jake: I will not.

Captain: Care to sit? I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves.
Deputy: Calling me the devil? How original, Raymond.
Captain: Actually, I was calling you a goat. You goat.

Adrian: [Explaining why he was in an Uzbek prison] I got shot down smuggling ammo to a rebel group, flying an old Soviet prop plane. They tortured us. Made me eat my co-pilot's tongue. Oof, now I've got a taste for it.

- Irobbed'enl boom!
- And that's how it's done.
- I was faking the whole thing to break him.
- I could have stayed in here forever.
- Good, 'cause facilities is gonna be a couple hours.
- We're gonna die in here!

- The walrus is captain holt.
- And the hippo with heads on both ends, that's Hitchcock and Scully.
- How do they defecate?
- It's a kids' book, Santiago!
- This is why I didn't want to show you people.
- Picking it apart.

Charles: I read to him every night.
Captain: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Charles: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain: Ye gods, are you reading him Dickens?

- Oh, no. [Ethnic music playing]
- This was nice, thank you.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- What is this music?
- Oh, this is from my country. Uh, leirkrakeegovnia. Do you like it?
- Iweirdly do.

Jess: I can't believe this is happening. Thanks a lot, New York. You know what, if your city's so great, then how come it's not the state capital?
Jake: What? Who cares about the state's capital? This is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. That doesn't sound right - "where dreams are made of"?
Jess: I don't know, you tell me. It's your dumb city.
Jake: It's grammatically odd. Whatever, I'm sure wherever you're from has strange songs written about it, too.
Jess: Los Angeles?
Jake: Damn it, all the songs there are so good.

Amy: Hey, what's up? I came as fast as I could.
Jake: Title of your sex tape. Nailed it! So, have you ever heard of a guy named Bruno Rojas?
Amy: Yeah, big guy in the Colombian cartel, right?
Jake: He was, until he got shot in the chest yesterday by his top lieutenant. Apparently, the bullet went straight through his nipple.
Amy: Whoa. Nature's bull's-eye.
Jake: Oh, my God, I love the way your brain works.

Jake: [Looks around the bullpen, sees some big water bottles and starts formulating an idea] Bottles. Boyle. Bullpen.
Terry: What are you...
Jake: Uh-buh-buh. Bottles, Boyle, bullpen.
[Beat]
Jake: Bowling.
[Cut to Boyle, strapped on a chair, ready to act as a human bowling ball]
Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: [Boyle knocks over all the water bottles] Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly: Babushka!
Jake: [Beat] Babushka!

- Clutch in. Okay.
- Clutch out! [Tires screech]
- Oh! Whoo-hoo!
Gina: We are the best driver in the world! [Tires screech]
- Spread out and find 'em.
- Bogie headed to the ball pit.

Captain: Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now.

- Mmm.
- What the hell?
- Mmm.
- Careful. The ink's still wet.
- Maybe this'll help.

- Nobody say anything.
- Nobody talk.
- Get your hands off of me, you piece of...
- Hey, captain holt.
- Long time, no see.
- How ya doin'? This is not the time, peralta.
- Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
- I've missed us.

Terry: I designed the first part of the heist to be a scavenger hunt through memorable moments from the last eight years. It's a trip down memory lane.
Scully: Not a problem. I have the memory of a... the thing with the big nose and ears.
Charles: Prince Charles.
Jake: No.

Captain: Show me the tip.
Jake: [mumbling] Title of your sex tape.

Charles: Gina! It's our first annual Boyle-Linnetti Christmas. Are you excited about going to town on Daddy's nog?
Gina: [shouts] Christmas is cancelled. Charles ruined it.

Rosa: Hey, you should run. Going to meetings, writing stuff down, you love that nerd stuff.
Amy: Writing stuff down is nerdy? What do you do?
Rosa: Just forget stuff, like a cool person.

Jake: You work for the post office. Your motto is 'Surprisingly, we exist.'
Jack: Incorrect. Our motto is "nos custodimus quod lingus". We guard what you lick.
Jake: That's worse!

Jake: Hey uh, now that it's just us, there's a thing I wanted to say adaza you...
Amy: Why doesn't your mouth work?
Jake: "Why doesn't your mouth work", title of our sex tape.
Amy: What?
Jake: Your sex tape! What? No!

Captain: That's weird. It's sunny outside.
Jake: Why's that weird?
Captain: Because a **bleep** storm is about to rain down on that punk.
Jake: Oh, my God, I fell for it, and I loved it.

Terry: Santiago and I are going to an administration workshop for the NYPD.
Amy: And it's voluntary, so only the cool kids are gonna be there.
Jake: I love you so much.

Charles: Preparing food for one's lover is the most intimate gift of all. Aside from washing their hair.

Roger: You're so excited about having a kid, you're having a sex reveal party. I never did anything like that, except that one time in Amsterdam.
Jake: I really wish you'd stop bringing that up.

Captain: Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.

Captain: We need a different strategy
Jake: Ok, fine. How about this. I convince him I'm unstable. I run in there screaming, throw a chair through the two-sided mirror, glass goes everywhere. He's like "If Mad Dog Peralta would do that, who knows what else he's capable of?"
Captain: No offense but you don't get angry well.
Jake: What? That's not true. Remember how angry I got about how fast Daenerys got from Dragonstone to north of the Wall. That was intense.
Captain: You have a boyish face and a big, goofy grin. It's like being yelled at by a children's cereal mascot.

Raymond: So, Diaz, I've never been more excited. My first time playing the Jimmy Jabs, and I'm destined to win. Look at my competition.
[about Debbie]
Raymond: Little Miss Hay For Brains.
[about Hitchcock and Scully]
Raymond: The Hay Brains,
[about Jake]
Raymond: and King Brain Made of Hay.
Rosa: Well, you're forgetting about me. I'm also your competition.
Raymond: Yes, but you don't normally care about games like these.
Rosa: Well, I do care about this game. And you're gonna lose because my brains aren't made of hay. My brains are made of brains.
Raymond: Oh, ho. The perfect retort.

Warden: Maybe you just need some extra incentive. Find the stash, or I'll tell everybody you're a snitch.
Jake: What? No. They'll kill me. You don't want that, right? It'd probably be a lot of paperwork for you.
Warden: Oh, it's not. It's just one form, and it's already filled out. We just have to staple a picture of your corpse to it.
Jake: Great. Prison... is great.

Jake: Okay, fine. You want to know why I really don't want to have children? I had a crappy dad. I know what happens when you mess up as a parent. It's not great. And this may come as a shock to you, but I kind of have some dad issues with certain people.
Amy: Holt.
Captain: [over the phone] Me.
Kevin: [over Captain Holt's phone] Raymond.

Jake: Why do I have to dress up for Thanksgiving? I don't even celebrate that stuff. The whole holiday is based on overeating. We should be wearing velvet tracksuits and diapers.

- and they just get more stressful over time, man.
- Oh, nibs, what am I gonna do?
- Help me.
- Huh.
- Why would a psycho want to work here?
- Gotcha.

- blame it on ice cube because he said it gets all: Oh! Uh-oh.
- Heads!
- What the...
- It's finally happening!

Walter: Wow. It's really been quite a while, huh? Are you still watching those cartoons about the karate lizards?
Jake: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I am. There was recently a reboot. They did some interesting things with Splinter and Krang's backstories. Anyways, I'm an adult now. How are you?

- Behind you! Bye, bye, peralta. Here's your GPS.
- Let's go!
- Ah! [Laughs] I gotcha!
- Yeah, you did. But your boy tito's getting away.
- Oh, damn it!
- Damn you, Doug Judy!
- I'll never forget you,
- Dante thunderstone!

Terry: [about the obnoxious sorority girls who got free from the holding cell] Oh, no. They're running free. Everyone, cover up your worst physical attributes.
Charles: It's no use. They could always find new ones.

Jake: [Jake is undercover as an auctioneer at a Greek Antiquities auction] Adam Sandler?
Adam: Yes. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm doing a movie about the Russian Revolution next year.
Jake: What role is Kevin James gonna play?
Adam: Ha ha. Very funny
Adam: [beat] Trotsky.

- I have more felony arrests than any other detective here.
- You also have more mice living in your desk than any other detective.
- Algernon! [All exclaiming]
- You guys, algernon's back!
- Get rid of the mouse, and get your act together. Now.
[Whispering] He's grumpy.

Gina: I did not follow you to PR to watch you quit. I followed you because you're great and because you make everything you touch better, and I figured PR would be the easiest path to launching my reality show "Linetti, Set, Go."
Captain: I thought your reality show was to be called "Gina in a Bottle."
Gina: No, that was my fragrance line. Keep up.

Charles: Look, all I know is, Charles Boyle is going to that funeral, and he's going to put the "bone" back in boneyard.

Captain: Hello, Deputy Chief Wuntch. You've aged.

- No! Why is everyone just standing around?
- Get back to work!
- So long, tank.
- Holt: "Tank"?
- I gained three pounds in Paris...
- Three pounds!

Jake: Now, we can't see the cake before Amy, which means we have to figure out a way to clean it up without looking at it.
[gasps]
Jake: We have to "Birdbox" it.
Walter: And "Birdbox" is the bakery.
Jake: No, "Birdbox" is a movie where people aren't allowed to look at things. Just put on these blindfolds and help me clean it up.
Roger: I "Birdbox-ed" the stewardess in Sweden once.

Jake: All right, listen up everybody! Better contact Captain Holt, let him know we have a ten-tie situation.
Captain: Speaking of ties, where's yours Meep Morp?
Jake: This is fantastic. Captain! Hey! Welcome to the murder.

- At least, boyle was announced first.
- Because the horse outranks him!
- This is amazing!
- That's enough, peralta.
- This is a huge honor, and nothing can take that away from him.
- The horse is pooping on the stage.
- Sergeant peanut butter is pooping on the stage!

- I don't care for it, classical music.
- What's going on here?
- What are you doing?
- Captain, hey, nothing, just eating some marshmallows. Care for one?
- Marshed-mallow.
- Hmm. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm! [Laughing]
- I knew it!

- I didn't look, and I'm wearing shorts. There is no fly.
- That's not what your mom said.
- You make no sense.
- And now I'm inside your head.
- Prepare to die.
- Blue 52!

Hitchcock: You are fake news. Sad!
[storms off]
Jake: Yep, that's definitely the language of the innocent.

- We're gonna solve a huge case before the hearing tonight, and then the NYPD cannot shut us down.
- So, come on, captain, give me something big and juicy.
- What do you got?
- A 10-year-old had his bike stolen.
- We are s'd in the b.

- I'm leaving. I just gotta get some old case files first.
- Don't be mad, Jake, you still know me.
- I'm still Charles. I just have four extra sex moves.
- Five. I forgot about boy on top.
- Santiago: Ick.
Gina: Ew.

Caleb: Jake! It's so good to see you! Come give me a hug, I'm not going to eat you! Also, don't hug me 'cause I will try to eat you.

Jake: Cops always be coppin'.

Jake: [to Captain Holt, while trying to ID a woman] Look at her calf. It's a tattoo of Jesus punching bin Laden in the nuts.

Officer: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die before I ever got to find my twin sister's killer.
Raymond: What?
Officer: That's the reason I joined the force, remember? To find the man who murdered my twin sister. That's my whole story!
Raymond: Debbie, there's no you told me that.

Jake: Boyle, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is.
Charles: Okay. Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.

Raymond: I paired a crab cake with a cooked Côtes du Rhne... like an animal.

Raymond: I will not be using a loophole, Peralta. As always I will be using the main hole or no hole. I choose no hole.
Charles: You just said "hole" way too much, sir.
Jake: And that's coming from *Charles.*
Raymond: Yes, that is concerning.

Terry: Today is Holt's first day back in his office and I wanna make sure everything is just how he left it. Now, I can't remember, was this little figurine of Cheddar at a 45 or 50 degree angle?
Rosa: Terry, it's a five degree difference. You better figure it out.
Raymond: Ah, I missed this place. Huh, little Cheddar's askew. You really made yourself at home, didn't you Jeffords?

Jake: Iknow that when things are hard I talk them through with Amy. And just being with her, looking into her eyes, everything that seems so complicated becomes simple. And then I just know.

Terry: Hello? Anyone? We're stuck in the elevator!
Raymond: Can't you yell any louder? Use those big strong lungs you're always flexing.
Terry: These are my pecs.
Raymond: So this is all just for show then. It has no functional purpose.
Terry: I mean, I am pretty strong.
Raymond: Good, then rip those doors open.
Terry: I can't do that.
Raymond: Oh, well at least you haven't dedicated a significant portion of your life to looking like this.

Officer: [Really nervous] Oh, hey, Jake. What's... what's the deal with the office today? It... it feels crazy.
Jake: Somebody stole 20 bricks of coke and some machine guns from evidence.
Officer: What? It's the first I'm hearing of it.
Jake: Yeah, well, you just got here, right?
Officer: Right. I need you to find whoever did this and kill them... till they're dead.

Amy: Well, that doesn't sound better than crepes.
Scully: It is. Terry wins. We know. We were at both lunches.
Rosa: How? They were simultaneous and two miles apart.
Scully: It was free food. Life finds a way.

[Sighs] No calling legitimate business ideas "schemes."
- No licking fingers before turning pages.
- No impressions.
- No tea ceremonies.
- No cabbage patch. No hard core.
- No running man. Or the dance.
- No unrequested lullabies.
- No lady-style towels.

Jake: [Jake stops a car, while in pursuit of a criminal] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. NYPD. NYPD, I need to commandeer this vehicle.
Jess: It's a crossover!
[Jake looks at her in question]
Jess: It's a crossover SUV, and you can't have it.
Jake: I'm a cop, can you please get out of the car?
Jess: No, this Schmidt's mom's car, and I'm more scared of her than I am of some two-bit thug.
Jake: I'm not a thug, I'm police.
Jess: Okay, then name one law.
Jake: Don't kill people.
Jess: That's on me, I set the bar too low.
Jake: Look, can you please just get out?
Jess: Okay, you can drive, but I'm not getting out.
Jake: Right.
Jess: Also, I have the seat warmer on, I don't just have a really hot butt.

- Jeffords: Jake, you better find that spider.
- And I'm not coming back here until you do.
- Uh, sarge, I think I found it.
- Why are you looking at me like that?
- Man 1: Oh, no.
- Man 2: Oh, my gosh.
- It's on my head!

Terry: Hey, Staten Island is great. It's got parks, loads of bike paths, tons of up and coming restaurants... I mean, easy access to New Jersey.
Amy: You're lying. Your right pec is popping all over the place. We all know that's your tell.
Terry: Of course I'm lying. It's Staten Island. The precinct is the One-Two-Two. How the hell am I supposed to chant One-Two-Two? One-Two-Two! One-Two-Two! I sound like a damn choo-choo train!

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone... Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Rosa: Jake, you're suspended. Just go home, have a beer, and smash something. That's what I'd do.

Gina: Uh, Jake, wait. What are you doing? Give me the ring.
Jake: Ha! You sound like Gollum.
Gina: That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies, I'm too pretty.

- The romantic lead of the film. Who?
- Pongo's wife?
- The girl dog.
- Yes, yes! Of course.
- You look exactly like perdita.
- Oh, my god. Thank you so much.

Jake: [Reading Captain Holt's text message] "How certain are you? Sincerely, Raymond Holt."
[Replies with text message]
Jake: "100 percent, sincerely-" Why am I doing that part? Send.

- That's right, I call her Bianca, because she's dark and thick like my first cousin, Bianca.
- Jeffords, peralta, now.
- Hmm? Whoa! [Yelping]
- Say goodbye to Bianca, boyle.
[Shrieking] Bianca! No!

Terry: [Peralta bites a crab leg from the middle] Stop eating crab wrong!

Rosa: Why do these guys do so well with women?
Jake: Oh I'm sorry they don't live up to your superficial standards of male beauty, Rosa. I'm kidding, it's because they're rich.

Rosa: [about Pimento] I think I got so worked up about him cheating on me because I wanted it to be true. I needed an excuse to end things. And now I don't know what to do.
Amy: I think you do know what to do.
Rosa: Thanks, Amy.
Amy: [to Terry] I have no idea what she's gonna do but that's the safest way to give Rosa advice.

Doug: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain: You will not win me over with your use of 'twas.
Doug: 'Twasn't trying to.

Charles: Captain, De Angelo has a place upstate, the local sheriff says there's a car in the driveway right now. He must be there.
Captain: Okay, they're going to have to raid the place without us, it'll take us two hours to get there.
Jake: Or we could take...
Captain: We are not taking a helicopter.
Jake: You know I was going to say "chopper".
Captain: Look, Peralta, I know you're having fun, but a helicopter is exactly the kind of wasteful expenditure that Wuntch will use to bury me if something goes wrong.
Jake: Okay, sir...
Captain: Or. It's the kind of thing she'll crucify me for not getting. "You could've had a copper, Raymond, why didn't you take advantage? Just a minute, my cauldron's boiling over."
Jake: Yeah, but what she actually said was:
[Using strange accent]
Jake: "Chopper's yours, Peralta."
[In his own voice]
Jake: Your impression was better.
Captain: What did you do?
Jake: She may have called me, and I may have briefed her, and she may have said "yes" to the chopper because it's definitely on its way right now!
Charles: I call middle seat!

Jake: Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Three hour delay with no Holt or Terry? Do you have any idea what this means?
Charles: Make-overs!

- That is all.
- Okay, the plan is clear.
- Sarge, you divorce Sharon, abandon your children, get back together with that monster. The precinct is saved.
- I'm not leaving my family.
- Come on.
- You didn't even consider it!

- And?
- It's gorgeous.
- Wish I could pull that off.
- Dream on, strawberry shortcake.
- Yeah, nice try, Mr. Grapes.
[All mocking] Mr. Grapes!
- Mr. Grapes!

- Morale is much higher.
- People are working harder.
- You're well on your way to earning a place on that wall.
- Thank you, Santiago.
- You know. We're birds of a feather, you and I.
- I hate cliches.
- Cliches are the worst.
- Okay.

Kevin: So will you help me?
Jake: I don't know. I want to, but keeping a secret from Holt? That's a lot of pressure.
Kevin: Hmm. Am I remembering correctly? Don't you eat pressure for breakfast?
Jake: [gasps] Nic Cage in "The Rock." We are best friends. I am so in!

Adam: [to Holt, about Wuntch] You were not her greatest rival, and the proof is right here.
Chief: [On video] Hello, Adam. I may be dying but I burned down your cabin in Maine. You were my one true rival.

Terry: I called my friend at the lab. He's gonna take the guinea pigs. They're not gonna do any chemical tests on them. They're just gonna teach them how to run mazes.
Charles: Really? I want you to look Claire 38 in the eye, and tell her that...
Terry: [Without hesitation] I'm sending you to a lab, Claire. Bye.

Scully: I gotta say, I'm loving these. I always wanted to wear Hammer pants.
Raymond: Stop.
Scully: Hammer time?

- Gina convinced her to leave him and he probably wants revenge.
- Okay. I'll look into it.
- Jake, I cannot wait for this doctor.
- Will you please grab this knife out of my back?
- Get it! Gina, it's already out.
- What?

Walter: [Reminiscing on his favorite memory with his son] While we were playing, the neighbor kid fell off his bike.
Roger: Yeah, he broke his arm.
Walter: You could see the bone.
Roger: [laughs] Do you remember when we went skiing, and the guy fell off the lift and busted his leg?
Walter: And you could see the bone.
Roger: It was just, like, sticking right out of the skin, and he's, like, screaming. We were laughing.
Walter: Oh, oh, it was beautiful.
Roger: God, I hope somebody found him.
Jake: Okay, well, you guys are both monsters, but this is going great.

Jake: Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me... Title of mine sex tape.

Gintars: Jake, hey, I got it, man. Nice jeans, and the good thing is look both legs, same length.
Jake: Thank you very much. And I see it's 100% denim-ish. "Caution: Do not wear near women who are pregnant or breast-feeding".
Gintars: This is true. The nipple may fall off.

- Ooh, it's a big one.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Santiago: Oh!
- I'm gonna get help.
- Sir, it's all right.
- We're getting help.
[Grunts] Okay. Tell my wife that I love her...
- Work ethic.

Captain: If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.

- Hello, Kevin.
- It's me, Raymond holt.
- We need to get you to safety.
- Your life is in danger.

Raymond: When we originally wed, we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal, so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony. Kevin has always regretted it, so we're having a vow renewal ceremony. This time, we're pulling out all the stops. It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
Charles: Oh, how extravagant are we talking? Champagne pyramid?
Terry: Destination wedding?
Jake: Celebrity officiant?
Raymond: We got the salad forks! Can you believe it, a second fork? Who do we think we are?
[Everyone is left speechless]
Raymond: Oh no, you're shocked at how garish it is. Now I don't even want to tell you the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
Jake: Wait, let me guess -- you're getting bread plates?
Raymond: Don't be absurd; we're not crazy. No, the big surprise is I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Terry: Wait...
Charles: What?
Jake: Why did you lead with the salad forks?

Terry: Hey, Santiago, it's time to head out.
Amy: Actually, I'm not leaving. I'm gonna stay for the games.
Jake: Ohh, look who's coming around already. We're gonna have fun.
Amy: No, this isn't fun. A voluntary administration workshop is fun.
Terry: Yeah, I hear it ends with a six page self-assessment.
Amy: Oh, come on, Terry! You don't have to rub it in!

Jake: Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.
Charles: And I'll be Rum Tum Tugger.
Jake: No, Boyle. No characters from 'Cats'.

- Well, you see, we're gonna be doing a lot of drugs and we're cops, so we don't want our pictures taken.
- Yeah, your reason's better.
- Here you go. All right, then.
- Here we go.
- Let's get sloppy.

Kevin: And then I said, "Which 'Metamorphosis'? Kafka or Ovid?"
[Captain Holt laughs]
Kevin: He loves it. He loves it.
[Captain Holt sighs]
Kevin: So that's the joke. Now, you tell it.
Jake: Oh, okay,
[clears throat]
Jake: So, a professor walks in to a rare books collection...
Kevin: No, you've ruined it. Now it's not funny.

- Yes, sir. Damn it.
- Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
- Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
- "Kind, sober, and fully dressed."
- Good news, everyone, we found the name of Santiago's sex tape.

- Six marshals. We're pinned down.
- Great. It's over, and we're still tied eight-eight.
- What the hell?
- Nine-eight. Saturday's mine!
- You said body count, you didn't say whose body. Boom!
- Power pose!
- Argh!

Hitchcock: It was the '80s.
Scully: Police weren't perfect then like they are today.

- and the best detective.
- Also, for reals,
- I love your butt.
- I love yours too. Gross.
- Amy Santiago, will you marry me?
- Jake peralta, I will marry you.

- I choose no hole.
- You just said "hole" way too much, sir.
- And that's coming from Charles.
- Yes, that's concerning.
- Ugh, you think you know someone, Jake.
- Unbelievable!

Jake: Wait! No, no, no, no, no! Don't lock the door! I just need to buy one thing. I'll be so fast, I won't even pay!
[Doorman continues locking door]
Jake: How did that not work?

Jake: Look, I know you don't like him, but can you at least try to be nice for me?
Roger: Okay. I'll be nice.
[later]
Roger: I wish you were dead, you lousy son of a bitch!
Jake: You said you were gonna be nice.
Roger: I lied so I could say the "son of a bitch" thing.

- Well, I'm also dressed, and I made breakfast.
- Wait, where are my eggs?
- In my belly.
[Both scream] Now get a move on.
- It's heist time.
- I love Halloween!

Frank: The real question is why Jeffords had glitter on him at all. Fortunately, I have the answer. I deduced that he has three young daughters, twins and a toddler.
Jake: Big deal. You saw the picture on his desk.
Frank: I did, and judging by the maple trees in the background of that picture, it was taken last fall. Probably mid October. The twins are smiling, each revealing a missing tooth. The twin on the right, let's call her "Twin A."
Terry: That's Cagney.
Frank: Is that relevant?
Terry: It's her name.
Frank: So no. Twin A is missing an upper right incisor while Twin B is missing a lower left incisor suggesting that they were seven when the photo was taken, which would put them in second grade. Spring semester of second grade is when the Brooklyn schools do their solar system unit, a highlight of which is constructing a mobile of the planets. My hypothesis is that Twin A and Twin B requested Daddy's help making Mars sparkle, hence the red glitter.

Jake: Okay, one more take. Please stop saying, "Don't forget to like and subscribe."
Captain: Sure, but how we gonna get followers on this thing then?

Chief: Oh, Raymond, that you came to me to ask for help shows how much you've matured. You know what else shows how much you've matured? Your withered face.
Captain: Now I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad, Peralta, because I already want to kill myself.
Chief: Why don't you wait a week? You'll probably die of old age.
Captain: The only way I'm going to die is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers and drag me across the River Styx, you reaper.

- Idiots! What are you doing here?
- The building's being fumigated.
- There were so many emails.
- There were? We didn't...
- Lightweight.
- That's your takeaway?

Raymond: O'Sullivan wants me to issue a statement of public support for the officer to give them all extra hazard pay, and to wear this Never Forgive Burrito ribbon.
Scully: Weird, it's the exact same color as my Color Blind Awareness ribbon!
Raymond: No it isn't.

Rosa: [about Terry, who appears to have a concussion] There's no way he can take the test in that condition.
Jake: You're right. Amy, you're going to have to crawl inside his shirt and operate his arms for him. It's a Ratatouille situation.

Captain: I made an application to the M. C. Guffin Foundation for a grant to upgrade our office equipment. Unfortunately, they require a video submission. I understand you have some filmmaking experience.
Gina: Well, you know, I've been re-Vined by Rob Kardashian, so, yeah, I'm a director. Here's what I'm picturing: I enter, in, like, a Fellini-style getup. Rosa's dressed like a porcupine...
Captain: [Interrupting] Oh, no, no. We're just gonna do a simple, straightforward tour of the precinct featuring Detective Diaz and me.
Gina: Are you sure? You're not our most dynamic screen presences.
Rosa: I can be dynamic. Exclamation point.
Captain: Well, Diaz and I have that kind of easy chemistry - where we finish each other's...
Rosa: Sentences.
Captain: Please, don't interrupt me. That kind of nonsense won't happen on camera.

- She pulls it, he is trapped, and Terry releases him outside.
- Terry hates birds.
- Okay, little friend.
- Let's get you home to mama.
- Oh, god. It flew right into the fan!
- It's everywhere!
- There's pigeon everywhere!

Amy: [to Jake] But I do have some bad news. There is a bomb at this wedding as well.
Jake: What?
Amy: Your butt. Your butt is the bomb. There will be no survivors.
Jake: [Crying] I love you so much. You're my dream girl.
Amy: I love you too. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

Amy: Cool, maybe we can mill around and small talk about how some of us are big lying liars who lie all the time like a bunch of liars, Rosa.

Gina: She's got a type, which is really anyone but you.
Charles: Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type too.

- so he lays off of us. [Sighs]
- It's true. I'm gonna bro down with him.
- If everything goes according to plan, we should be beer pong doubles partners by the end of the week.
- Now somebody get me a puka shell necklace.
- I'm going full douche.

Jake: Okay, well, that was fun. Hey, why don't you go play over there, buddy? You can take this drug store receipt. It's very long and filled with coupons. You can fly it around like a kite.
Nikolaj: [Takes the receipt and starts running around with it] Whee!
Jake: Wow, kids are really basic. Is being a dad super easy?

Jake: So, Bill, do you have a real job or...
Bill: I'm the third in a lot of marriages. I got a nice soft face, so I don't intimidate the husbands.
Jake: Hmm, strange, the random person I hired off the streets of Brooklyn is a weirdo.

Jake: [Talks to himself, trying to get through solitary] Okay. No big deal. Five days is nothing. I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are awesome. "Die Hard 6" on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me, I'm gonna die alone oh, boy, that happened fast.

Caleb: Okay, look, I've been in prison for 15 years. I'm not good with new technology. You want somebody to lure a kid to a park using a Lycos chatroom, I'm your man.

Jake: People are gonna notice if I disappear.
[His phone beeps]
Jake: See? Someone's already looking for me. You're in big trouble, buddy.
Geoffrey: [Reads] Your e-coupon for Big Mike's Calzones expires today.
Jake: You're damn right. And if I don't redeem that, Big Mike is gonna get real suspicious.

Amy: You're pretty hurt, huh?
Jake: Yeah. It's very exciting. I'm the underdog now, like Seabiscuit. I mean, sure, I can't lift my arms, but Seabiscuit won without even having arms.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Jake: I don't know. I fell. We're already married. It doesn't matter.

- Yum.
- Oh, Raymond.
[Beeping] Holt: I forgot my wallet in my...
- Bob, you've killed him.
- And now I'm going to have to kill you.
- I've never been more shocked.

- Crap, that's lieutenant
- Melanie Hawkins.
- I know. She's literally my hero.
- Hello, lieutenant Hawkins.
- You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.
- My name is detective ignatius pennyfeather ix.
- That's i-g... natius.

Caleb: Well, you know, whenever I'm backed into a corner, I just do what I do best: I drive across country, forge a new identity, and then take a job as a camp counselor.
Jake: Oh, my God. Caleb, you're a genius.
Caleb: I wouldn't say genius. That camp ran a pretty extensive background check.

Jake: [Pretends to be a mental patient with multiple personalities syndrome] Uh, I was just talking to another one of the voices.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Is it Tatiana?
Jake: Who now?
Dr. Theresa Moore: The mischievous seven-year-old British girl you told me about on the phone? May I speak with her?
Jake: Uh...
[high-pitched British accent]
Jake: Yes? Hello, Doctor. I'm from Wussex.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Is that an actual place in England?
Jake: How should I know? I'm just a little girl, I am, I am.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Well, it's nice to speak with you, Tatiana. Can I say hello to Brian, the bookkeeper from Central London?
Jake: [In a male British accent] Cheers, I'm Brian. I like bookkeeping right in the middle of London. Did I tell you a full list of my many personalities when I called you on the ol' telly, innit?
Dr. Theresa Moore: Yes, you did.
Jake: And are any of 'em, hopefully, not from England?
Dr. Theresa Moore: There's Geoffrey. You said he's Australian.
Jake: [In an Australian accent] Aww, crikey.

- That's two for Terry.
- Well, guess what? I can spoil your little game by sitting over here quietly all day and doing nothing. Oh! Ah!
- Anybody have "boyle falls on floor"? No one?
- That's a victory. That's a victory for boyle. Boom!
- All: Boyle says, "boom!"

Jake: These tiny pickles are hilarious.

- Damn, Jake. You know
- Terry loves love. I'm in.
- All right! Now, put on your phoniest smile,
- 'cause we're going into the belly of the beast.
- Phonier.
- Phonier!
- Ah, there it is. Into the beast!

Raymond: That man is lying. I don't believe Wuntch had another rival. I saw it in her eyes. She only had hate for me.
Rosa: Are you jealous?
Raymond: Of course I am. I despised her with my entire being while she was only despising me with a fraction of hers?

Jake: Guess what I'm holding behind my back?
Captain: Before we begin, what are the parameters of the guessing game? How many guesses do I get? Is there a time limit?
Jake: Forget it. You ruin everything. It's the police code and ethics manual. Chapter four. Page 83.
Captain: You should not have told me. I never would've guessed it. Now I've won.

- Whoa!
- Okay, well, at least it was just the keypad.
- None of the snacks got messed up.
- Whoa! I right! Go.
- Jeffords: Okay, okay.
- No! It should've been me.
- It should've been me!

Officer: I can't believe the two strongest competitors got partnered up. We're a dream team like in the 1992 Summer Olympics.
Jake: Okay, I know you're not talking about basketball, so just tell me what weird sport you think the Dream Team was from.
Officer: Sport? I'm talking about the opening ceremonies. Agnes Baltsa and Alfredo Kraus singing back-to-back arias.

- Normally, yes, but I want to talk to you about something else right now.
- More specifically...
- Guys, dispatch just called.
- Great, Dave's here now. The check cashing babies just struck on flatbush.
- We gotta go.
- Santiago: Lead the way.
- What did you wanna tell me?
- Oh, um.
- Captain holt sent a very important text.

- What the hell?
- Man, they forgot my pico de gallo.

Jake: Sir, there you are. We've been looking everywhere for. Kevin says he hasn't heard from you all night.
Captain: Yes, I've been sitting in my office wallowing in my hopelessness, and eating the saddest food known to mankind. Ice cream.
Charles: Oh, my god, he's Bridget Jones-ing.
Jake: Okay, well it's time to put that aside and pull out whatever food you eat when you're happy.
Captain: Dry beans?
Jake: Sure.

Rosa: Get in there and bust up her date. Show her you care. Ruin her night.

Jake: I know Hollywood and I know what's real!
[attempts dramatic exit through prop door]
Jake: For example, this door is fake. Not a real door. It's a doorn't. As in, doorn't open this. And doorn't ruin my dreams!

- All right, look, dotty, you're under arrest.
- Jake, we gotta go.
- I can't walk on this leg.
- Peralta: Great, then we're stuck here.
- We're never gonna make it back to the precinct.
- Yeah we are. I have an idea.
- Boyle: Pedal pub coming through! I'm on my way, Amy!

- Stupid bloomberg and his stupid soda ban.
- Okay, 6:14, it's ud o'clock.
- Okay. Here we go.
- Mmm-hmm.
- So this bag of pellets is your lunch?
- Yep. It's a perfect food for the human man. You want some?

Roger: Your grandson would like us to make peace. So, do you apologize for being the worst father in the history in the world? Even worse than fathers who chain their children in basements?
Walter: I do not.
Roger: That's on him. I tried.
Jake: I really don't think you did.

Rosa: What the hell? Danger just called and said you abandoned him, took information from a classified computer, and licked a roll of antique stamps.
Charles: The stamps were on me. I was curious about how old glue tasted. Answer, like a horse lollipop.

[repeated line]
Raymond: *Bingpot!*

Terry: Whoa. Slow down, sir. You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. You always sniff the bouquet.
Captain: Maybe the old Holt did. But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.

- Soundshke a barrel of laughs.
- Fortunately, he isn't.
- We worked together back in the day and really hit it off.
- We're going to be here a while. Would you like to talk?
- I'd rather not.
- Agreed.

Jake: All right, look, Ames. I never had a brother, but I know four guys who did, and they would have fights and squabbles, but in the end, they always had each other's shells.
Amy: Are you talking about the Ninja Turtles?
Jake: Of course I'm talking about the Ninja Turtles!

Jake: When C.J. goes to get his morning coffee, we will arrive and grab him. He will pretend to struggle just enough to attract attention.
Captain: [fantasy scene] Help! Help!
Captain: [reality] I'm gonna write this down so I remember my lines.
Jake: I can see that you already have the word "milk" written on your hand. I know where this is going.
Captain: [fantasy scene] Milk! Milk!
Jake: [reality] Don't do that.

Amy: Hey, Scully, did you do something new with your hair?
Scully: Same thing as always: put mousse in it while it's wet, then I watch a scary movie.

Jake: The only worthwhile thing I've done today was take a Buzzfeed quiz about what kind of onion I am.

- It's bad. They bite now, sir.
- I think they're just trying to avoid the cold weather. We should freeze them out.
- The plan is working, captain!
- Yes. We won.
- Oh, my god.
- They're in the coats.
- They're in our coats!

Jake: Hello, good sir, I'd like your finest bottle of wine, please.
Liquor: That will be $1,600.
Jake: Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.

Captain: [Dying] Tell my wife I love her... work ethic.

- I knew it! Where? Where?
- Sarge, am I too heavy?
- No. Where is it?
- There. The one with the water stain.
- There's a lot of food up there?
- Yeah. It's a smorgasbord.

Charles: We're friends. I was building up to call you "Ro-Ro" one of these days.
Rosa: That will never happen. In fact, you just lost "Rosa" privileges. From now on, you can call me "Diaz" or "hey you".
Charles: Come on, Rosa. Come on, hey you.

Amy: I see you changed.
Rosa: Oh yeah. That other outfit had a lot of afterbirth on it. Also during-birth and pre-birth. The point is I burned it.

- Is it someone you arrested?
- I don't recognize him, butjudging by the head-to-toe denim,
- I say he's either not
- American or deeply American.
- I'm thinking Ukraine or Kentucky.
- Well, should we call it in?
- No. I've got a better idea.

- I'm never running the half-marathon,
- Amy. You gotta stop asking.
- You really think you'll be happy?
- I don't want you to give up your dream job just for me.
- I have a new dream job now.
- Trust me, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.
- I love you. I love you, too.

- No, trust me, we're definitely in the right place.
- I'm 100% sure about this.
- Oh, guess who solved the puzzle?
- We did. Who?
- Oh, we did?
- Yeah, we're in the wrong place.

Captain: You and Santiago should quit now. I'm going to stomp on your dreams.
Amy: It's fun to see you so passionate.
Captain: I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets.
Jake: Wow. Is it weird that that turned me on a little bit?

Jake: [Jake's dad and granddad have fought yet again and Walter wants to leave the party] Wait, wait, no, don't go! We reversed the curse! Don't reverse the curse reverse!

- Yes, I guess in the end, we've rubbed off on each other quite a bit.
- Title of your sex movie.
- Did I do that right?
- It was perfect.
- Guys, I hate to say it, but it's late, and some of us have to work tomorrow.

- I am no longer fixating on my fears.
- Good. But for today, let's fixate on those fears.
- Okay. Uh... that sounds fun.
- Let's begin by talking about your baby girls and your wife, and, uh, what would happen to them if you died in the line of duty.
- I popped your pillow.

Rosa: None of you would dare to put your bare hands inside of Scully's mouth.
Scully: Yeah.
Rosa: Who knows what kind of diseases he's got.
Scully: My doctors sure don't.

Terry: Oh, also, she's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle, so she wants us to take it out once a day.
[Tosses Captain Holt the keys]
Terry: Here.
Captain: I think you should do this. You're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
Terry: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?
Terry: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain: [Blank tone, expressionless] Yas, queen.
[Snaps fingers]

- Who wore it best? Who wore it best? Who wore it best?
- All: Terry.
- What? Come on!
- You should change, boyle.
[Sighs] Fine.
- Not here!

Amy: I once had a sex dream about Sanjay Gupta.

- Oh, so, you're saying I should tap into my mommy strength.
- Yeah, or daddy strength, but whatever.
- Right, time to put some daddy into my mommy.
- Gotta be a better way to phrase that, let's go.
- Holt: Okay, let's review our simple harmonies.
- When I point at you, hit your note.

- true strength comes from accepting help from others.
- That's not what's happening.
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah. That's how normal people take their coats off.
- I'm fine.
- I can see that.
- This is going well. Clearly.

Rosa: When Jason died seven days ago, I didn't give a rat's ass.
Charles: This is your speech?
Rosa: 'Cause I didn't understand why people care so much about their dumb dogs till I got a dumb dog myself. I've only had Arlo for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

- Hey there, boyle.
- How was your weekend?
- Well, actually
- I got a little sick.
- Oh, really?
- I'm sorry to hear that, man.
- Yeah, bullets over Broadway was on TV.
- And I came down with a big ol' dianne wiest infection.
- Like "yeast"!

Jake: [about Holt and Terry, who are trapped in the elevator] Yeah, they're trapped in there.
Rosa: Oh no, that means we have to call the fire department.
Jake: Or, hear me out, we leave them in there forever, and move on emotionally.

- but that's because we're this proud nation's first defense in the war on terror.
- Every envelope is a potential target for al-qaeda.
- Detective Rosa Diaz, meet my new partner, Jack donger.
- Please. I go by Jackie.
- Jackie donger.
- Of course you do!

- If wuntch finds out he's working on a case, she will punish him.
- She's on the warpath right now, Jake.
- The warpath.
- Okay, copy that. Loud and clear.
- Don't want to cause a problem.
- I will skraight-up skedaddle with no further a-do-do.

Charles: Imagine a letter and a phone had unprotected sex.

- He's holding his paper name-side out.
- Oh, he's good.
- And I have Scully, which means captain holt has me.
- I'll be taking that gift card. Daddy loves nachos.
- Should we draw the names again and leave Jake out?
- All: Yeah! No!
- Sherlock wants a present!

- Awesome. Was that the first movement?
- What? Are you crazy?
- No. That's the warm-up.
- Each movement is 45 minutes.
- Oh, damn.
- Hit it!

Jake: I'm not a teacher. I'm a class clown slash bad boy with a heart of gold.

Jake: Oh, my God, I guess I'm addicted to meth. No, I'm not. I just love it and I am consumed with the thought of doing it again.

Amy: Halloween is Christmas for jerks.

Jake: [In the hospital] I wasn't hurt that bad. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood is supposed to be.

Charles: This is it. My purpose is clear. I was put on this Earth to get you back in time to see your baby's birth.
Jake: I mean, you're a grown man with your own hopes and dreams.
Charles: [Decisively] My purpose is clear.

Jake: Sure, yeah, not a problem we'll be home by sunup. Just like a couple of sexy "Twilight" vampires.
[as Dracula]
Jake: I am Robert Pattinson. I vant to turn into a bat.
[normal voice]
Jake: I've never seen the movies.
Charles: No, me neither. They're an insult to the books.

Jake: [Reading Pimento's tattoos] Okay, this one says "Buy toilet paper" in a truly gigantic font. I hate to think of the horrific event that led to a reminder of this size.
Charles: This says your bank account number is 432211378, then just under that, "Someone saw this and stole your money."

- I need you morons to work eight times harder than you've ever worked in your entire life!
- I'm having a heart attack.
- Yeah, I'm having a heart attack.
- Get back to work.
- Get a doctor!

Doug: Do you know who this is? This is Matt Daniel, the most popular male ASMR performer on Twitch.
Georgina: ASMR performer?
Doug: Someone who speaks real soft.
Trudy: [whispers] I also crinkle paper.
Doug: We're trying to stream and the noise on the eighth floor is unacceptable.
Trudy: [whispers] My fans can't hear my mouth sounds.
Georgina: I'm so sorry, I can't hear you.
Trudy: [whispers] That's the point, Georgina.
Doug: He says that's the point, Georgina.

Jake: Figure out what's living in there yet?
Captain: Well, uh, judging by the empty beer cars, the fur, the pornography, and the claw marks, I'd say a homeless man and a raccoon. The exact nature of their relationship is still revealing itself.
Jake: I'm gonna assume sexual.

- Doug Judy, you are under arrest.
- Putyourhands in the air.
- Hey, Rosa.
- Merry Christmas, girl.
- Shut up.
- Peralta: Take a good look, kids.
- This is what happens when you're naughty!

- once you die from old age.
- Go get 'em, grandpa.
- Nurse Ezra, hey.
- Do you have a minute?
- I'm actually kind of busy right now.
- Right, harboring a fugitive.
- Should I come back, or...
- He's here and on the move!

- Two keys.
- Pure as a catholic schoolgirl.
- Did you bring the cash?
- Oh, we brought something much better than cash.
- What's that? Our guns!
- NYPD! You're under arrest!

- All right, fine.
- Come here, buddy.
- Hit him in his fat, cherry cheeks!
- Oh, that felt wrong.
- Knife. Skinny Santa has got a knife!
- That's right! Boom! I just kicked Santa in the testicles.
- Merry Christmas.

Raymond: [about his old partner] Dan Hammer.
Jake: That name is so cool, it doesn't need a nickname.
Raymond: Ah, but he had one. Snake Eyes.
Jake: Oh, Snake Eyes is a great one.
Raymond: Oh, yeah. He was the toughest son of a bitch I ever met. When he died, he stuck out his middle finger so he'd be flipping everyone off at his funeral.

Hitchcock: If this van's a-rocking, my ex-wife's a-locking. Me. Out of the house.
Jake: Catchy.

- But if you can't get a reservation, you can always go home and shampoo his hair.
- Please stop always recommending that. Well, it's always romantic.
- You could go to the top of the empire state building. That's very romantic.
- Huh. Maybe I will.
- And you can pee on the whole city from up there.
- All: Come on!

Raymond: Wait, Wuntch is dead?
Terry: Yeah. The Commissioner's office just notified us.
Raymond: No way that's true. As Wuntch says when she sees deodorant, "I'm not buying it."

Terry: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Raymond: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."

Terry: Singing: Casecation all I ever wanted. Casecation had to get away. The vibe in here is really weird.

- Yes! Yes, a million times, yes!
- In your face, Terry!
- What? I'm holding a sparkler for you.
- I helped organize a lot of this.
- Well, you can stick that sparkler up your butt.
- I'm the best man!

Rosa: When this is over, I'm going to find you, and I'm going to break those little fingers.
Judge: Ms Diaz, please stop threatening the stenographer!

Charles: Oh, it's just my former lover. Hello, sister.
Gina: Ugh, I hate it when you say those things back to back.

- I don't really need it either.
- Peralta: Hey, captain holt, can you come out here for one sec?
- You need something, peralta?
- Yes, I do.
- Hit it, royal babies.

- Oh, come on!
- Just set it down! Okay, don't shoot! That's how people get shot.
- Just shut up. Shut up!
- NYPD. Drop your weapon!
- All right, Bianca, what do you know about a guy named Derek?
- Chanes.no.

- And now, I'm gonna put it on your back.
- And your sister and I are gonna trot you all around the apartment.
- What's wrong with you?
- I'm Jake peralta, the grossest pervert of all time.
- NYPD! You're under arrest, you unbelievable creep!
- You'll never take me alive.

Raymond: I maintain a strict code of integrity.
Terry: Come on, Captain. You never told a white lie to make a person feel better?
Raymond: I only lie when someone's safety is at risk. Or if a juvenile aged eight years or younger asks about Santa Claus.
Terry: In which case...
Raymond: I feed them some reassuring pap about the logical impossibility of proving a negative. It's sentimental drivel, but they eat it up.

- a breach training door. What?
- Why are you making this so hard on me?
- Boyle: It's all for the show, Jake.
- The greatest show on earth!
- All right, fine. I can do this.
- For my wife.

Captain: Peralta, my office.
Jake: Oh, Kevin's here. And you both look so upset. Oh, no, did they stop funding the arts?

Jake: [Charles is pushing Jake in a shopping trolley] We're doing it Boyle! We're Tokyo Drifting!

Raymond: Time to talk strategy. Let's be honest, we're not young men.
Scully: Speak for yourself. My doctor said I'm in my twilight years.
Raymond: That means you're close to death.
Scully: But it has such a pretty name!

Gina: [answering cell phone] Gina's Authentic Stolen Police Badges, how can I help?
Jake: Hey, it's Peralta.
Gina: Oh, hey, Jake.
Jake: Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?
Gina: Of course. I'm not an animal.

Gina: Hey, little man. Why so teeny?
Devin: I'm not teeny. I'm average size.
Gina: [laughs] What a sad brag.

Jake: Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three. Ready? One, two...
The: I don't touch other dudes' hands.
Charles: Whose hand is sticky?
Captain: It might be me. I ate a popsicle earlier.
Captain: It's probably Madeline. Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.

Charles: I need your help moving this old miss Pacman machine I just bought.
Rosa: Why are you so obsessed with that game?
Charles: Because it's the sexiest video game ever. She's insatiable, Rosa. Insatiable. Insatiab...
Rosa: Stop saying "insatiable".

Gina: On your mark, get set, Wahlberg.

- Pretty good, I know where I am, and I know what a table is, so everything's going great.
- Pretty low bar for greatness, but all right.
- Hey, how's it been since you stopped taking those pills?
- Well, thankfully, my full memory has come back, even the things that haunt me.

- My doctor said they have zero nutritional value.
- We want meatball subs.
- You had no right to take ours.
- Screw this.
- I'll log those files and teach the Hazmat class, and I'll do everyone's work, because apparently
- I am the only one keeping this precinct together!

- Rosa, we have a lead!
- We finally have a lead!
- Whatever.
- I'm not talking to you.
- Let's go.
- That seems like a good thing. Why isn't she happier?
- There's a lot going on that I can't explain, Ezra!
- But thank you.
- Seriously, you saved the day.

- I tried, but it didn't work.
- I'm not particularly skilled at emotional jabber.
- I was hoping you would step up.
- And I was hoping to actually do something valuable like help Rosa.
- So are you gonna stand in my way or not?

- Toner issue. Why?
- Anyway, I started taking it apart, but it's been a slow process for some reason.
- Hey, captain, I'm glad you're here to see this.
- I'm just about to drink my tea.
- Terry.

Captain: Now you've done it. You've made me turn my chair.

- written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person.
- Bomb! There's a bomb!
- Everyone out! Let's go, let's go! [Shouting]
- This is not a drill!
- Let's go! [Alarm blaring]
- Great gift, babe.

Jake: My lady left me.
Captain: My lady stayed.

[Pants] I told you, Jake. I'll do anything to perk up my little man.
- You gotta know how gross that sounds in your underwear.
- Thank you for allowing us to return.
- Turns out there wasn't a bomb.
- It was a clock made by an overachieving minority student.
- What a world we live in.
- Now, let's sing.

- How about I just leave you two alone?
- Diaz.
- Pimento.
- What's up?
- I need you to sign this report.
- Okay. I'll sign your report.

Jake: Charles, why did you let Terry choose boxing?
Charles: He didn't. I picked it.
Jake: But you'll die.
Charles: Don't worry about it. Boxing's in my blood. My Nana Boyle boxed in the Navy.
Jake: I'm sure she did but... and hear me out... what if you're not as strong as your Nana Boyle?
Charles: I can handle myself. She taught me her signature punch; the Strawberry Basket.
Jake: That does not reassure me.

Rosa: Nancy Meyers never fails.

- Where'd your boyfriend run off to?
- Oh, that's a story for next time.
- Rosa, we're so close, you can't leave.
- Tell her you want a perm.
[Imitating] "I want a perm."
- A big ol' perm.
- Great idea.

The: [Walking into the briefing room] Alright ladies we don't got a whole lot of time here, so what do you say you treat me like Boyle's mom and you debrief me.

The: Look, this is real important to me, alright? My brother's hot wife is gonna be there and I haven't seen her since his funeral.
Amy: Wow.
The: Yeah, right? I mean you only get one shot at your brother's widow.

Captain: Fine, I guess I'll just stop the party.
Terry: I didn't realize it ever started.

- If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.
- What is this? Rubber band ball.
- Keep your bands in a box or a bag.
- Since you all apparently have time to play throw,
- I'm canceling overtime for the month, effective immediately.
- Get to work! And de-ball these bands.

Jake: What's your problem with my dad?
Charles: I'm just being wary. He left you when you were seven, and he's been letting us down ever since.
Jake: Us?
Charles: I think of you as a brother, Jake, so he didn't just abandon you; He abandoned *us*.

Sergeant: The NYPD servers have internal backup batteries. Even if we unplug them, they'll stay on for another two hours.
Captain: As a captain, I have an override code I can use to wipe the servers clean so there'd be no information for the hackers to steal, but there's one problem, Jake.
Jake: Yes, sir?
Captain: You still have something in your teeth. You tried to get rid of it, but it's made it much more prominent.
Jake: Why would you stop everything just to tell me that?
Captain: It's very distracting.

Doug: [Rapping] Doug and Jake rolling down the street...
Jake: PB and J, a tasty little treat...
Doug: Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet...
Jake: [Stops rapping] What?
Doug: I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea.
Jake: Love it!
[Continues to rap]
Jake: Making sandals that last is our ideology / Made real by our patented, strapless technology
[Stops rapping]
Jake: It's magnets.
Doug: Okay!
[Raps]
Doug: Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach...
Jake: Wear 'em on a hike...
Doug: Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike...
Doug: Doug and Jake, two best friends / With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! Rah!

Jake: When I had lice in the fifth grade, my mom put a bunch of maple syrup in my hair and it smothered them to death, it was actually kind of cool. You could hear their tiny screams.

Jake: He's leading us right to him. Now all we have to do is follow the trail of chocolate.
Scully: This... This is why I became a cop.

Jake: [Jake and Amy have just announced their pregnancy, but everyone reacts very unenthusiastically to the news] What the hell? I thought you guys would be more excited than that. Charles, you didn't even faint.
Charles: I'm so sorry, I'll try.
[inhales]
Charles: It's not working. Somebody choke me.
Rosa: On it.

Jake: So you still annoyed?
Amy: Yes. You can't keep saying "mischief managed" after we finish sex.
Jake: It's what Harry Potter says when he needs to clear the Marauder's Map.
Amy: Obviously, I know that, but I would prefer to keep wizard terms out of our sex life.
Jake: But what we're doing is magical. We're making a baby.

- Amazing. We want deets.
- Tell us everything.
- I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but it was super romantic.
- You follow. I'll cut him off in the alley.
- Okay, wait. You want to get married?

Gina: On your mark... Get Seth... Rogen!

Amy: [Upset, crying] Oh, my God! I just heard about Wuntch! She was so young!
Raymond: For a redwood tree.

- One, two, three... oh! Whoa.
- Was that the gems?
- Did you drop them?
- That chair wasn't supposed to be there.
- Where'd they go? Holt: I can't see anything.
- Turn off the smoke. It's lucky
- I was prepared for you to fail.
- Now, I didn't wanna reveal him this early, but...

Deputy: Hello, Raymond.
Captain: Captain Wuntch. Good to see you. But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?

- Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond holt.
- I can come to the phone right now.
- Hey, sir, I'm just here at the hospital with Jake, and I think he could use some...
- Oversight? Agreed.
- Casecation all I ever wanted

- You know what, I'm not supposed to be bringing this up, but I'm bringing it up!
- I'm sick of hearing you "got things brewing."
- You ask me, the only thing you got brewing is a pot of bs!
- Kids, I love you.
- Sharon, you are perfect.
- Zeke, getajob!

Charles: Wait. He's taking the kids for us?
Terry: It's just like getting a free babysitter.
Charles: This is incredible. People without kids are so stupid.

- Wow. That's actually impressive. Thank you.
- So, Dr. Susman, let's just call this field trip what it was.
- A huge success.
- It was interesting.
Bobby: I saw a prostitute.
- Not helping, kid.

Gina: Okay, but what's his body like on a scale from Charles to Terry?
Charles: Sorry, buddy.
Terry: What? I'm the ten.
Charles: Sure you are.

Raymond: Why do you idolize that man and the time he wrote about?
Jake: Because the 70s were amazing! Everyone had big juicy mustaches and all the clothes were orange... and flammable.

- Just getting me the newspaper.
- All right, this is useless.
- Scully, is Kelly your wife oryourdog?
- How can you ask me that?
- I still don't know which it is. Boyle: Could be either.
- Could not tell you.

- You wanted to talk to me?
- Keep those hands in the air.
- And wave 'em like you just don't care.
- What?
- I'm just messing with you, peralta.
- Put your hands down, give me a hug, baby.
- Judy!

Jake: Hey, it was nice of you to let Pimento crash at your place last night. How'd it go?
Charles: Oh, well, he gave Nikolaj a haircut while he was asleep, but no weird memory stuff, so all in all, major win.
Jake: Great, so it sounds like he might be getting better.
Adrian: Ah, someone's trying to kill me!
Jake: Oh, boy, here we go again
Adrian: Ah, gah!
Jake: Pimento, Pimento, Pimento! Don't worry. Everything's okay. You've had some brain trauma, and it caused you to lose your memory. You're scared that you're in danger, but there is no evidence that anyone is trying to kill you. You're safe.
Adrian: Wait, wait, really? Whew, okay.
[chuckles]
Adrian: Thank you. I was really worried, you know, 'cause of this gunshot wound.
Jake: Oh, my God, someone's trying to kill you!

- Uh, no, it's the smartest, because it involves biology.
- I bet it worked already.
- Let's go check.
- Hitchcock, no!
- He's drowning. He's drowning!
- Jeffords: Save him, man!
- I take it back, Jake.
- Great prank.

- Yes, I'm from black NASA.
[Mouthing] Is that a thing?
- Oh, my. I didn't know.
- I understand. Goodbye.
- So, Doug Judy will not be coming in.
- What? Why not?
- Oh. I see. He is dead.

- Vveh, I guess this is it.
- Solong, nine-nine.
- Hey! Jeffords: What are you doing?
- You can't turn off the lights at a working police precinct.
- Right. Sorry. I got caught up in my own thing.
- There we go.

Kayla: Oh, yuck, none of you are cute with the lights fully on.
Charles: You wanna play mean girl, Kayla? Two can play at that game. Let's talk about your bangs.

Jake: This is great, Dotty, but we're kind of in a hurry. My wife just went into labor and I want to get there in time for the birth.
Dotty: Why? The only man in the room should be the doctor.
Jake: Okay.
Dotty: All the dad needs to do is to make the money and have a nice, thick belt for when it's time to teach him a lesson.
Russ: My dad hit me with a belt. Soon as I got big enough, I shot him.
Jake: Wow, what a fun group for this, the most important day of my life.

Jake: Buckle your butts, everyone! The Jimmy Jab Games are back!

- than the clear absence of a penis.
- But, you're right. I need to forget about crystal.
- Thanks for the advice.
- I'm off to plow my mistress.
- More.
- Time's up.

Frank: So now I'd like to move on to a real suspect. I wanna see detective Diaz in the box.
Jake: [Charles gasps] What... don't gasp for him. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
Rosa: Title of your sex tape.

Terry: I haven't done cardio in twenty years, how hard can it be?
[starts running]
Terry: It's immediately awful!

Jake: [to Captain Holt] Wow, listen to you talking all smooth. But you can't fool us, sir. You might as well face it. You're addicted to math. Robert Palmer. Come on, Sarge. Let's go.

Doug: Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?
Jake: Um, what?
Doug: You heard me. We've been in the car for three hours. You've known me for seven years. Do I have an earring?
Jake: Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank. I can kind of picture a diamond stud.
Doug: That'd be a good look.
Jake: Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop.
Doug: I do have versatile ears.

Adam: Excuse me. Is this the memorial for Madeline Wuntch?
Raymond: Yes, this is the memorial for Madeline Wuntch. Just saying her name brings tears to my eyes.
Adam: Why, because her heart was made of onions?
Raymond: Excuse me?
Adam: Madeline Wuntch was what you get when you cross a slug with an anal fissure. We spent our entire lives trying to destroy each other. I was her one true nemesis.
Raymond: No!

- among the working class.
- Uh-huh. Isee.
- So this was all just some coincidence.
- He wasn't writing the absolute value of psi.
- He was just...
- Doodhng.

Gina: Would you tell the sky to stop being so blue?
Captain: Yes, I wish it were tan. It's my favorite color. It's no nonsense.

- Peralta: Uh, what was that?
- Wow, all of Brooklyn lost power.
- Peralta: You know, I've always kind of liked blackouts.
- Listen to how quiet it is. It's so peaceful.
- Nope, it immediately turned into a purge. [Car alarm blaring]
- Way to go, New York.
- All right, let's suit up!

Terry: I've been through this before. In college, I had a football buddy, Bryant Ungerbert...
Jake: Oh, and lemme guess. You guys were best friends, then he got drafted into the NFL, and now you never talk.
Terry: No, he got drafted into the Canadian football league, became a long snapper for Ottawa, and even that level of success ruined our friendship.
Jake: He's still playing? How is that possible? You're 35 to 60 years old.
Terry: It's Canada. They don't tackle as hard. Anyway, his career became the only thing that mattered. He was off doing photo shoots, commercials, speaking at long snapping conventions...
Jake: Is that a thing?
Terry: In Canada, it's like the Oscars.

- I've got a sweetjob and a super-smart, incredible wife.
- Tonight's gonna be awesome.
- Right, Gina? Damn straight.
- C!
- C!
- C!

- to recognize the brave officers that have put their lives on the line.
- It is my great honor to present the medal of valor to detective Charles boyle.
- And sergeant peanut butter!

Raymond: Why did I send Kevin an obscene picture?
Rosa: Relax. It's not a big deal. You were just flirting.
Raymond: No, if I were flirting, I would have sent him a scatter plot of educational attainment versus caloric intake in Jacobin France.

Captain: Tell me what I'm eating.
Charles: Fine. It's a sharp Vermont Cabot. Now describe what you taste.
Captain: Cheese.
Charles: [Encouragingly] And...
Captain: Cheese.

Officer: Rosa, what would you do if you could do anything to Mr. Bean?
Rosa: Nothing.

- The cruise offers 77 activities, and I signed us up for 76 of them.
- Speed dating for widows seemed like a bummer.
- Okay, so slightly different perspectives going into this cruise.
- Call it the slug life talking, but
- I think it's gonna work itself out.
- Good-bye, coworkers, or as they like to say at sea...

Raymond: You don't feel sad when a monster dies in a monster movie. In "E.T.," do you feel sad when E.T. dies?
Chief: Yes.
Terry: He wasn't a monster.
Raymond: He caused a real commotion.

- Are we doing this?
- We're doing this! Heist!
- All: Heist!
- It's a cinco de Mayo heist!
- A cinco de Mayo heist makes just as much sense as Halloween! Let's do it!

Jake: I did realize something. The only thing that matters to Gina is work.
Terry: You don't say? Where have I heard that before?
Jake: I don't know, Terry. I don't have time for your weird memory lapse.
Terry: I said it last night.
Jake: Well, I wish you would've said it to me.

Charles: I have an idea. So when my dad lost his flower shop, my Aunt Bruce...
Jake: Charles, we don't have time for a weird Boyle story right now. Just tell us your idea.
Charles: We make a scary hostage video where it looks like we're gonna kill C.J.
Jake: Ooh, I love that. Wait a minute. Your dad did that to save his flower shop? Was your aunt the hostage? What happened?
Charles: You said we didn't have time.
Jake: I didn't know it was the coolest story ever.
Charles: Oh, it is.
Jake: Well then, tell the whole thing and spare no detail.
Charles: Okay, so you know how Aunt Bruce can lactate on command?
Jake: Of course.
Rosa: Guys.

Captain: Don't worry, I'm not listening to you. I'm just thinking about how this sea bass is cold. But not as cold and cruel as the hands of fate that have thrust my entire life into darkness.

Terry: I read to him every night.
Captain: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Terry: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain: Ye gods, are you reading him Dickens?

- That would be the cake guy saying he has arrived.
- Hello? [Distorted voice] Jake peralta?
- Yes? There's a bomb at your wedding.
- It's set to explode at 5:30.
- Everyone inside will die.
- So, that was not the cake guy.

- Jake, you should call the feds.
- No, they won't even care.
- I need more proof.
- I got to call you back. Hey.
- Hey. NYPD.
- Mind if I ask you a couple of questions?
- Wait, no, stop!

Chief: Hello, Raymond. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor.
Captain: Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

- Split up. Cover the exits.
- Freeze!
- Captain! Captain!
- Holt: He's not getting away.
- He took my dog!
- Oh, my god! It's happening.

Jake: Hey, can you sign this arrest report for Augustine and the buyer?
Amy: Sure.
Jake: Man, I forgot how long your signature takes. Just gonna watch Braveheart on my phone real' quick. Given the circumstances, I can see how that might've seemed like flirty teasing or something, but I was legit being critical; you have a problem. No, even that sounded like banter now. Alright, there's only one way out of this for me. I just gotta get super cruel. Prepare to have your physical flaws pointed out, Amy. Talking about your tall butt and your weird elbows.

[last lines]
Jake: That's how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir. Catch bad guys and look good doing it.
[winces and fidgets]
Captain: What is wrong with you?
Jake: Never took off the Speedo. Big mistake. It is inside me. Great work, team!

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: [Does a perfect imitation] Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: Ugh, not excited enough. They may be common, but they're still birds.

- I'd ask Amy also, but I can only bring one guest.
- Nah, it's cool. I'm sure she's busy tonight anyway.
- Taxes are due in eight months.
- Actually, they were due two weeks ago.
- Well, that is a horrible surprise. But the point is...
[Snaps] Drink sounds good.

- Okay, no one listen to Rosa. She's clearly an accomplice to this crime.
- I'm gonna go take another crack at Whitman.
- You've been in there, like, five times. What are you gonna do, annoy him into talking?
- Ha-ha.
- Two! Three! Four!

Gina: G-Hive! Are you ready for three new Gina-mandments? Number one, you can be anything you set your mind to as long as you're already great at it! Number two, no one knows you can't take it with you! Be buried with your money. Cha-ching! Number three, if you fall down nine times you gotta reassess your walking, 'cause something's wrong. And now, I wanna hear from you, my baby G-Hive! Yes, girl in the mustard sweater.
Menla: Hi, Gina. I just quit my job and left my husband who loves parkour more than he loves me. And it's all because of your Gina-mendment: "If the light in your house is dim, change the bulb."
Gina: Yes! I have time for 15 more compliments.

Jake: [Jake has to break through a door to win the Jimmy Jab games] I can do this. For my wife.
[He fells on the door and fails miserably]
Jake: Ah, it didn't work. My skeleton feels like it's made of Skittles. I can't do it, Amy.
Amy: Yes, you can, okay? You just need a little energy. And Debbie's EpiPens are full of adrenaline.
Jake: Is that a smart thing to do?
Amy: Probably not, but sometimes it's good to be a little irresponsible.
Jake: You're gonna make me sick.
Amy: It's better than losing our car.
Jake: I mean, is it? 'Cause...
[Amy sticks him with the EpiPen]
Jake: I will never die!
[He charges at the door]

- Changed? But these are my coolest clothes.
- I got them from a targeted Instagram ad after looking at photos of cam Newton.
- The outfit's beautiful, but it doesn't really say...
[Whispers] "Miami."
- What does say, "Miami"?

- Looks like we all got door duty.
- Oh, yeah. From before.
- Good one.
- You look great.
- Clear.
- Clear.

Amy: Does anyone have a good lawyer?
Hitchcock: I got a divorce guy, an alimony guy, a slip and fall guy, a pizza's too hot guy.

Charles: Desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.

Roger: Growing up, he had a boat. Meant everything to him. He named it "Walter," after himself.
Walter: She was the child I never had.
Roger: I was the child you did have! Anyway, one day I took Walter Junior out for a spin. I was trying to impress one of the lake girls. Before I met your mom, I was a bit of a ladies' man.
Jake: Yes, that continued long after you met my mom.

Officer: I gave the bunnies glasses and little blue vests.
Jake: The vests add nothing.
Officer: The vests add gravitas.
Jake: [Annoyed] Your butt adds gravitas!

Amy: Jake and Katie would be awesome together.
Jake: I know, right? She's single, I'm single. She's pretty, I'm pretty.

Gina: Captain, I know this isn't my place to say, but Madeline Wuntch is here to see you.
Captain: Actually that's exactly your place to say. You are my assistant. What precisely did you think your job was?
Gina: Ideally? Bullfighter. But it's such a boys' club.

Amy: ...That defeats the purpose.
Scully: I got this, Ames. Hello, unsolved case. Do you bring me joy? No, because you're boring and your're too hard. See ya.
[Throws case in trash]
Amy: Personal items only, Scully. Get that case out of the trash!
Scully: Oh, for Pete's sake.

- Well, I don't think Larry would do anything illegal.
- You know, it seems to me Larry has needs and deserves to have those needs met.
- Greg, you're really great at being undercover. You both passed the test.
- Marco, vémonos!

Terry: If Diaz won't accept our help, we got to go behind her back.
Gina: We definitely should go behind her back. That's the opposite side of where the germs are coming from.

Amy: I just got another call from the saddest ADA in the world. He's still pissed. Did Hitchcock and Scully get anywhere?
Rosa: Hard to say. Their file contains a lot of non-case related documents.
Amy: A bunch of menus?
Rosa: A cease and desist letter from TJ Maxx.
Amy: Multiple patent submissions for something called a "pillow shoe."
Rosa: An application for a time share in Figi.
Amy: You mean Fiji.
Rosa: No, Figi with a G. They're getting scammed.

Captain: Stupid questions, grammatical errors, lose your train of thought, just ask him to confess... Ooh, relate everything back to those movies you've seen.
Jake: Kinda seems like a shot at me about Die Hard, but okay.
Captain: This is not a comment on you, Peralta. I just wanna bring this guy down.
Jake: Yeah, that's all I want too. And to possibly say, 'You can't handle the tooth!' You know, if it comes up naturally.
Captain: It won't.
Jake: It might.
Captain: I actually think... it can't.

Adrian: Hey. Babe. You forgot your lunch at home.
Rosa: Aww, thanks Adrian. You're the sweetest.
Adrian: Aww, of course. I French kissed every slice of meat in that sandwich.

Jake: So... Jimmy Jabs, huh? What do you say we make it interesting this year? Aha! We can play for Katie's number.
Rosa: No. Is this why you wanted to do Jimmy Jabs?
Jake: No. Yes. Why, what gave it away?
Rosa: You said "aha" and snapped your fingers.

Terry: Look, I wasn't hiding. I was doing my work. Hitchcock and Scully were with me.
Jake: Were they, or perhaps were they distracted by your brilliant pizza ruse?
Scully: Totally distracted. I ate two whole pies. Folded 'em up like tacos.

Gina: Hey Terry, got any new baby pics?
Terry: You hate looking at pictures of my twins. You said that since they were identical, I didn't need to take pictures of both.

- If you're watching, Greg and Larry, and I know you are, my men and I will not rest until we find you.
- That's right, we 're coming for you.
- Strong words, and moving on, what if you were going through a drive-thru, and a puppy dog took your order?

Jake: What's gross about pancakes with butter and maple syrup?
Charles: You've completely abandoned the pancake part. Now you're just eating butter with syrup on it.
Jake: Yeah, I cut out the carbs. This is me being healthy.

Charles: [Trying to decide whether he should watch Jake and his son play together or film it] Oh, my God, this is a dream come true. I gotta get my phone, I gotta film this. Oh, but then I'll miss it. Oh, but I want it forever. Agh, but I should stay in the moment. Ah, but then I'll forget. Oh, my God, this is a nightmare!

Nikolaj: Wow, that speech would have been amazing. I had to look up what a toilet ghost was.
Raymond: Uh, yes, I took a trip to Korea just to research a new Wuntch insult. In fact it's been a motivation for most of my international travel.

Raymond: This is a nightmare of mine. I have a phobia of elevators. It stems from a traumatic experience I had as a child.
Young: [Flashback] They only perform rated-load testing on city elevators every five years? Oh, my.
Raymond: [Present] That was the last time I read the municipal code before bed. But... the damage was done.

Terry: Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which is why we have to keep working the case. There has to be some way to exonerate them.
Amy: I've been looking, but I can't find anything - and I don't know what to do.
Jake: "I can't find anything and I don't know what to do": title of your sex tape.

- You're going to be a sergeant!
- Yes! [All cheer]
[Singing] Oh, no, it's happening whoo!
[Grunts] Yeah!
- That's my future wife!
[Inhales] So...

Jake: You excited for being married?
Adrian: Yeah! I love Rosa. I can't wait to just jam my tongue in her ear holes, and eat the hair off her head. Hoo! I'm giddy.

[repeated line]
Jake: Title of your sex tape.

Dr. Gabbie Wince: Uh, I'm sorry. Who are all these people?
Jake: We're coworkers involved in an elaborate Halloween heist.
[to Holt]
Jake: Do you seriously not talk to your vet about us?

- While there is little to no public information about detective Diaz, channel 12 has learned this isn't the first time peralta has been on the wrong side of the law.
- We just uncovered cell phone footage from a criss angel magic show.
- I just want to know how he did it.
- He's a mind freak! A mind freak!

Jake: I don't have feelings for Amy anymore. So, time for me to get out there and spread my wi...
Charles: ...legs.
Jake: Get out there and spread my legs?
Charles: Well, ei- either way...
Jake: No! Not either way. Only wings.

Rosa: Oh, were you able to send that email to Adrian?
Captain: Oh, yes, he wrote back right away. It wasn't as graphic as I feared. He wrote the number eight equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, capital D - oh. I see what this is.

- There are three lamps. You think franzia gives a damn about lamps?
- You sound so dumb right now.
- This is why you don't have an archnemesis, Terry, because you focus on the wrong details.
- Maybe I don't have an archnemesis because I solve all my crimes.
- That's a pretty [bleep]
- Thing to say to me.

- I don't think I can eat that.
- Neither can anyone else, which is why they shut it down.
- We are not eating at this restaurant. We are demolishing it.
- Damn! Boyle's playing to win! Yeah!
- Madame, may I offer you the first whack?
- I've been dreaming about this since I was a little girl.

- Jock jam.
- Why is no one else dancing?
- Did I miss something?
- Feels like I missed something.
- I'll just keep going until someone tells me to...
- All: Stop, Jake! All right.

Jake: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: Yes! That's the right level of excitement for such a bird. You captured the essence of Kevin. You've done it.
Jake: Correction, I've accomplished it.
Captain: Indeed.
Kevin: Indeed.
Jake: Indeed, indeed, indeed...
Jake: Indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.
Jake: It's growing on me.

Captain: [about Chief Wuntch] We're not going to fight her. She's the devil, and you don't dance with the devil, because you get burned. Also, because in Madeline's case, she has no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.

Hitchcock: Look at this bread. It's completely inedible. There's not even any soft parts in the middle we can pull out.
Jake: Title of your sex tape?

- No, come on, he's clearly the rejected pop-tarts mascot,
- Harry pop-tart.
- I am not! You know who I am!
- Squad, that's enough, you're making boyle feel bad on purpose.
- He's Elvis. Yes!
- Elvis stojko, the Canadian figure skater.

Rosa: I was stuck in the bathroom with Scully. It was a nightmare.
Scully: For me too. Hitchcock and I haven't had any time alone all day. I don't even know what he had for lunch.
Hitchcock: Italian sandwich.
Scully: But with what kind of chips?

Detective: Hello, my big, beautiful B.M.
Detective: Best man. Just best man is fine.

- And I met god. Diaz: Tight.
- What does she look like?
- Ethnically ambiguous.
- You took two weeks off when
- Kourtney and Scott disick broke up.
- Are you sure you're ready to be back at work now?
- What are you saying, Terry? You think I can't handle being back yet? [Laughing]
- Watch this.

Jake: Hey there, big guy. You sure you're feeling okay about ending Charles' life?
Terry: Yep, my girls are gonna see this movie.
Jake: Right, well, before you commit manslaughter, I do feel compelled to tell you that the movie only has a 38 on Rotten Tomatoes.

Gina: Aw, Boyle. I love that you're trying to step up your sex game. But strength is not your issue. Stop humming. And it does not turn me on when you bend over and back up into me.

- you are an amazing police captain/genius.
- But be warned,
- I started planning next year's heistjust this minute.
- Good.
- Then you're only three months behind.
- You sick son of a bitch.

Captain: My name is Captain Jason Stentley. It's Friday night I think. There's no windows in here. This morning, I was kidnapped for real...
Jake: Stop.
Captain: What? What was wrong with that?
Jake: You said you were kidnapped "for real."
Captain: Well, I don't want people to think I was fake kidnapped. You know? I'm selling it.
Jake: Okay, let's just do it again. Say you were kidnapped and nothing else.
Rosa: Now he's gonna add "nothing else."
Captain: She's right.
Jake: Okay, fine, one more time. Take 12. Just say kidnapped.
Captain: Okay. Kidnapped.

- Hello?
- We need to go now!
- Okay, just keep that mind open. [Engine starts]
- I'm sure there's a perfectly stable explanation for this.
- Someone's trying to kill me.
- Mind closed, Jake. Mind closed.

Charles: We're about to have a good old fashion suck off.
Rosa: Don't call it a suck off.

Jake: Maybe we can grab some Thai food and brainstorm baby names?
Amy: Ooh, I like that.
Jake: Now, I am a fan of the show "American Gladiators." How do you feel about the name Blaze Peralta?
Amy: Not great.
Jake: What about Laser?
Amy: No.
Jake: Nitro?
Amy: No.
Jake: Viper?
Amy: No.
Jake: Atlas?
Amy: Ooh, I do love atlases.
Jake: Mm, common ground.

Jake: I've been thinking about asking her out for the last couple of weeks, but it's hard. There's so much build up now, you know?
Rosa: Not really. I don't ask people out, I just tell them where we're going.

Dr. Oliver Cox: Okay, so whoever did this, they weren't careful with the organs. They just sorta grabbed whatever and yanked.
Charles: Title of your sex tape. Oh, that's just something we say back at the Nine-Nine.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Interesting, 'cause around here sex tape is what we call the adhesive you use to reattach a severed penis.
Charles: Oh, I'll have to pick some of that up.
Jake: Why?

Jake: Sir, you cracked it! You and your big hard brain.
Captain: Hard?
Jake: Yes! You have the biggest, hardest brain on Earth, and I want you to say it. Say "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is rock hard."
Captain: A brain shouldn't be hard. If anything, I'll say, "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is soft and wet."
Jake: No, don't say that. It's gross and I hate it. All right, let's go do some cop stuff.

[repeated line]
Raymond: Don't say son.

- I absolutely do.
- By the power vested in me by the state of New York,
- I'd like to announce that your honeymoon vacation request status has officially been moved from pending to approved.
- You're married.
- You may kiss the bride.

- Santiago: Yes. We love you, buddy, warts and all.
- Sorry. I made a rash decision.
- I was itching to say it.
- Okay, I'm done. [Laughing]
- I have an std.
- So, just rsvp, or...
- Yeah, the number's right on there. Santiago: Great.

- You're about to see it straight to hell.
- Hut, hut!
- Now, Terry!
- Yeah!
- I did it! I did it alone!
- I'm the king of the world! Whoo!

- Peralta: Previously on
- Brooklyn nine-nine...
- I am being transferred to the public relations office.
- I am leaving the nine-nine effective immediately.

Captain: And now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon.
Charles: I'm ready, Captain. I love the nickname.
Captain: No, Charles, not you. I was talking about Cheddar.
Charles: Oh, right, obviously.
Captain: Over the past month, I've had him trained to retrieve plaques. And now, boy, it's time to make Daddy proud.
Charles: Yes, sir.
Captain: I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog.

Raymond: Whoever did this is facing a massive suspension, and there's no use hiding because Dillman will smoke you out.
Terry: Right, but is there any way he could hurry it up? So far it's just been a lot of silent pacing.
Raymond: Would you ask a heart surgeon to hurry it up?
Terry: I mean, I would if he was just walking around a room.

Jake: [Looking over pictures of their new Captain] Okay, we've got her meeting the mayor, her dog-sitting for Bo Obama, Malala giving her an award, but no photos of Wuntch.
Raymond: That's because vampires don't appear on film. Perhaps we should be looking for a 17th-century woodblock print.

- Let's break into the FBI.
- I feel like I'm doing it.
- Let's break into the FBI.
- Let's break into the FBI.
- Okay! I think we got it!
- Now, let's break into the FBI!

Captain: The first time I met Kevin's parents, I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange" opus 106... when it is, obviously, opus 104. They haven't spoken to me since.
Jake: Really? Just for that?
Captain: Yes, also because they're huge homophobes who think that I made Kevin gay with my magic genitalia.

Jocelyn: [Jake pretends to be Garrett, a mental patient with multiple personalities syndrome] Well, Garrett, our time is up. Shall we pick up here next week?
Jake: No, I can't go. There's still someone left inside that wants to talk.
Jocelyn: Do you mean Satchel, the "gentle African-American man who was born in 1908"?
Jake: Oh, no. You know what? Satchel probably shouldn't come out right now. Or ever, for that matter.
Jocelyn: Garrett, I can only help you if you open up.
Jake: [sighs]
[deep voice]
Jake: And then Dufresne escaped through the tunnels of Shawshank Prison. He was my friend.
Jocelyn: Are you just doing Morgan Freeman?
Jake: Ah, yes! You calling me on it just gave me a major breakthrough. I'm cured! Anyway, deuces, Doc!

Captain: [while wearing a pigeon costume] Let's blow some tiny minds.

Kevin: [He hears a door open] Oh, no, that's Raymond. That's how he opens a door.
Captain: Kevin, are you still in here?
Kevin: Uh, yes, Raymond, I'm in the stall.
Captain: Some tickets were just released for Mahler's Fourth Symphony this weekend.
Kevin: Great. That sounds great. Let's do it.
Captain: Fantastic. Now, which section do you prefer? The first tier, the second tier, the third tier...
Kevin: The first tier.
Captain: Now, which section of the first tier? Right, left, right center, center...
Kevin: Just any section is fine.
Captain: [laughs] Any section, wow. Someone had pepper on their eggs this morning. I'll buy the tickets.
[chuckles]
Captain: Any section.

Gina: I'll distract the file clerk. Apparently, he's really into birdwatching, so talking to a woman should blow his mind. And talking to this woman... it could kill him.

- What?
- Oh, sorry. This is the ikura bee-otch 5000.
- Brand-new model. Just came in.
- I was going to go for the 10000, but that bee-otch is way too fancy.
- See you soon!

Caleb: Now, I'll tell you one thing. You are not looking for a cannibal.
Captain: Why do you say that?
Caleb: With all that blood? No self-respecting cannibal would waste all that sauce.
Jake: See, Charles? He's a foodie, like you.

- Put a baby in her, Jake.
- What are you waiting for?
- So, do that then.
- Problem solved.
- Look, it's our guy.
- Excuse me, sir, we're with the NYPD.
- I just need to ask you a couple of...
- Oh! Shrimp! I hate that!

Terry: [while driving through the woods] What is that small?
Jake: That is the absence of urine. You gotta leave Brooklyn to get that.

Rosa: [to Cheddar] You sick son of a bitch.

- I thought you said you searched the entire first floor.
- I did. I even checked the ceiling for clingers.
- Hey, who's that guy from cyber?
- Sergeant Knox. We've been talking computers all day.
- Pretty technical stuff.
- I kept up.
- His face is really familiar. I can't place him.

Dr. Gabbie Wince: Yep, he swallowed 'em. You can see the gems right here on the X-ray.
Jake: And you're sure those are the gems and there's not something horribly wrong with him?
Dr. Gabbie Wince: Well, the part that's horribly wrong with him is if you look here...
[Points at the X-ray]
Officer: Oh, nobody cares.

Jake: So, Caleb, we're tracking a serial killer and I was thinking you could help us get inside his head.
Caleb: Just because I ate humans doesn't mean I'm INhuman, Jake.
Jake: Caleb, c'mon that's not what I meant.
Caleb: Just kidding, I'm probably friends with the guy online.
[laughs]
Caleb: What's his deal?
Jake: Well he's been murdering young men and cutting out their hearts.
Caleb: Ew.
[Jake and Charles make surprised faces]
Caleb: What, I would never eat a heart. I stick to the normal stuff, butts and thighs. One time I ate a foot but it was nasty.
Jake: I can see that.
Caleb: You know what, there was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles: Forum?
Caleb: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it, wink. Yeah, it's hosted on...
Jake: Reddit.
Caleb: Obviously.

- Wow. She is great at shushing.
- I know. She's like a librarian.
- You mean, like a sexy librarian? No.
- A regular one.
- Everyone, you will go in the rooms and you will go right now!
- Don't make me count to three.

- Boyle: Great. Take this back.
- You have 10 minutes.
- Coffee, extra black, extra no sugar, and real warm.
- It gets cold on them docks.
- And one Earl gray tea for me, twink Tucker. No, you ruined it.

Captain: I have decided to stop fighting it and lean in to the fact that I'm an idiot. Look at me, playing a video game.
Jake: Oh, which one?
Captain: "Times" crossword app.
Jake: Not a video game.
Captain: It plays a little song when you solve it, as if you've just learned to potty.
[piano music on phone]
Captain: Yes, yes, play me my dunce's tune.

Gina: Nana made me the intelligent, sensuous woman I am today.
Terry: Weird way to describe a grandma's influence on you.

Dotty: In my day, people respected police.
Jake: They respect us; they just have nowhere to go.
Dotty: God knows they won't go back to their own country.
Jake: Dotty, I really wish you weren't such a big part of my son's birth story.

Jake: I started off by making a map of all of the burglaries that have gone down in Brooklyn since 1996 to see if there was a pattern. That led me to this:
Jake: [Map of Brooklyn completely covered in pins] There is so much crime in New York. No one should live here.

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: [Does a perfect imitation] Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: No, you're too excited. The warbler's a common bird.

Captain: Peralta, Santiago, you'll be happy to know that I did not erase the server.
Jake: Oh, thank God.
Captain: But sad to know that Knox caught on and is now holding me at gunpoint.
Jake: Why not lead with that?

Raymond: Meat. From the street. Sounds like a fun treat.
[Chuckles]
Raymond: I'm a poet and didn't even know I was rhyming those words. But it happened anyway.

- Dope, dope, dope.
- 80 hard to solve.
- Any surveillance cameras?
- Oh, yeah.
- Tons of them. We checked them. [Whispering] It's too easy.
- But no one was seen going in or out. So, whoever did this was a ghost.
- Yes! A ghost!
- Oh! I officially declare this case [loudly] Dope.

Adrian: Who are we killing? I won't do kids, that's a rule. That rule can be negotiable if that kid's a dick.

Officer: Go, Cheddar. Arcessere. Means fetch. Cheddar's been taking Latin.

Raymond: It's not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep.
Jake: Sir, did you just make a joke?
Raymond: I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie.

- Thank you for this honor, deputy chief.
- Oh. Okay.
- You're welcome.
- Wuntch-time is over!
- Boom! Did it!
[Laughs] Had it both ways!
- No regrets.

Captain: Do you think any one of these jackals cares about what's right or wrong?
The: I'll help.
Jake: See, sir? There is good in every person.
The: But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.
Jake: Why would you want that to be known?
The: 'Cause I've never met C.J. before and I want him to think that I'm cool.
Captain: It's working. I mean, I love how you're taking over the room.

- Are you quitting the nine-nine?
- I found this letter of resignation in your locker. What?
- Charles, I can explain. Don't bother.
- Wait, no, wait,
- Charles, wait a second.
- Seems like someone's in the market for a new best friend.
- Bill, I swear to god.

- So, there's Hitchcock, and there's an old hooker. [Hitchcock groans]
Hitchcock: Come on, guys.
- Thathappened four years ago. Shh. This is the best part.
- She comes back, takes the wallet, and here she goes!
- All: Oh!

Jake: I'm basically handling it the way I dealt with my dad leaving. Just repressing the hell out of it.

Adrian: I've been through hell.
Gina: Big deal. I worked at a sunglasses kiosk at the mall for four years. So not only have I been through hell, I was assistant manager there.

- I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, and I'm a half an hour early.
- That's right, my string of bad luck has finally come to an end.
- Peralta, you failed your drug test.
- There were traces of cocaine and methamphetamines found in your urine.
[Shouts] What?

Hitchcock: All right, listen up, buddy. You're gonna tell us where it is.
Scully: And also what it is. We're a little unclear what we're after.

- Oh, Terry, it wasn't the jacket.
- I realize now that
- Chuck was in here.
- I had another man deep inside me this whole time.
- Welcome back, Charles.
- Oh, right away?
- It was the jacket!

Charles: And now Nikolaj says he's too frightened to ever sleep again, so that's just superduper.
Adrian: I don't understand what he's so scared about. If I was there to kill him, he never would've heard me.
Charles: A thing you told him several times.
Jake: God, Nikolaj is having such a rich childhood.

Scully: Look, we need to solve this to prove to that idiot John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.
Jake: Oh dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.
Scully: I'm not being petty. I can assure you my feelings about John Kelly are purely professional.
Jake: Are they? Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread you immediately send back a super catty GIF of some lady from "The Durrells in Corfu" rolling her eyes.
Scully: That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.

Charles: Jake, by trusting him you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.

Charles: I was just wondering if you would like to take my place in a little squad competition today.
Officer: Mm. I can't do competitions. I'm anti-dexterous.
Charles: Hmm?
Officer: It's when neither hand is good at anything.

- Hey, you needed to see me again?
- Rosa's single. What?
- Ignore him. We left a dry cleaning bag in your back seat.
- Oh, uh, I didn't see anything, but you can take a look.
- The veil's not here, Rosa.
- We're so screwed!
- Hold on. Don't freak out.

Doug: [while playing shuffleboard] Good to see you smile Jake. You were being a real tang in the butt.

Terry: [to Charles and Rosa] What were you thinking, breeding guinea pigs at work?
Charles: We weren't breeding them on purpose, they're just very sexual creatures and we didn't wanna slut shame them.
Rosa: Yeah, sorry you're not more sex positive, Terry.

Jake: Okay. We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain...
Captain: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-!
Captain: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Jake: Look, Charles, don't look behind you, but I think we're being followed. I saw this guy when we were leaving the precinct, and he was in line at lunch, and now he's right behind us.
Charles: Is it someone you arrested?
Jake: I don't recognize him, but judging by the head-to-toe denim, I say he's either not American or deeply American. I'm thinking Ukraine or Kentucky.

- Beautiful. Be brave, bro. Be brave.
- Bowl!
- Bam!
- Bull's-eye! Booyah!
- Babushka!
- All: Babushka!

Jake: That sleep apnea mask is something else, huh?
Charles: I got to say, ever since I got her...
Jake: Her?
Charles: She touches my lips, Jake. She's a her.

Gina: Yeeck! Blast of cold air coming out of that box.
Jake: Name of Amy's sex tape.

- which frees up some room in the budget.
- Really?
- What kind of personnel change?
- I told her that I'd only spent a month as a patrolman before I made detective.
- She said that's against regulations and has decided to rectify the situation.
- Rectify it how?

- I'm done with love.
- Illneverfind anyone as...
- Oh, my god!
- Get a load of the can on her.
- See you, dorks!
- I'm gonna get some.
- Well, Hitchcock still sucks.

Officer: [spying on Jake and Amy in bed with a hidden camera] Sleep, sleep, you ugly morons.

- You're a grand old flag you're a high flying flag so, yeah, it's a little tough right now.
- But I think the worst is behind us.
- Why are you taking so long to cook my freakin' oatmeal?
- Yeah.
- She'll be okay.

- Peralta: For the last time, orangina is not orange soda.
- Santiago: Yeah, because it's better.
- Peralta: [Laughs] Okay, now you're just being crazy.
- Santiago: You're not even taking this...
- You do have to admit, it was a pretty good point about orangina, though.

- no matter how well they hide it?
- More. Just a tiny slice of the super rich?
- More. Is it all illuminati?
- Is it just a whole room full of lizards? Bingo.
- Well, then I guess we'll have to transform ourselves.
- Into the uber wealthy.

- I'm doing it! [Applause]
- I'm doing it!
- You got this?
- No, I do not got this, Terry.
- Don't let go of me!
- The future of movement is now! Whoa!

Russ: She shot me! She shot me in the leg.
Dotty: You made a sudden motion!
Russ: I sneezed!
Jake: Okay, Dotty, what do you have a gun for?
Dotty: To protect myself. Cops are all wimps now.
[mockingly]
Dotty: My wife is having a baby and I have to be there to brush her hair.
Jake: I wasn't gonna brush her hair.
Charles: You weren't?

Raymond: Sarcasm... the coward's lie.

Charles: So what? You have money now, and you're just gonna take Nikolaj back?
Gintars: No, no, I don't want to take boy from you. I just want to meet him one time. Look, I know it's lot to ask, but, please. Nikolaj is my sex result.
Charles: Oh, yeah? Well, I walk your sex result to school every morning.
Jake: No, don't use his words.
Charles: I help your sex result with his homework.
Jake: This is bad, even for you.

- Yeah, that just happened. J aw?
- I got hit in the face with a box.
- But, look, I'm fine. I promise you.
- No, you're not. I'm done with this, peralta. Go home and get better. Now.
- All right, fine. But I'm taking this box of evidence with me.
- If you can pick it up, you can take it.
- Deal.

Gina: I personally like the night shift. You know who else is up right now?
Jake: Murderers? Armed robbers?
Gina: [Australian accent] Australians. It's an whole new demographic for me to conquer.
[normal voice]
Gina: I already have the third most followers behind Iggy Azalea and the Perth Zoo Wallaby cam.

- if ingested in large quantities.
- So you want to feed the bad guys alotofsoh?
- Force-feed 'em.
- Okay, that's a good option that I will definitely consider.
- Now, let's go out there and gear our asses up.
- Quietly. Quietly.

- Look, I want this to be a very special day for Nikolaj.
- There's a gang of armed men in there, and we've done zero recon.
- I won't let you go in,
- I mean it.
- All right.
- We'll wait for backup.
- Great, thank you.

[repeated lines]
Terry: *Nine-nine!*

Amy: I can do this. I wanna win so bad.
Jake: Oh great, here. Quick, let me take a picture. Aw, that's so cute. You got a little bit of mold on the tip of your nose.

- I love that game. I just got up to sprinkle city.
- Oh, my gosh. Interesting.
- What level are you on, captain holt?
- Sprinkle city.
- We have so much in common.
- Look at that. I'm cured.

[repeated line]
Jake: Noice. Smort.

Jake: I'm sorry, but I'm the Prankmaster General and I take that role seriously.

Charles: On it, Jakey. It's show time, here we go. I love this, we're like Batman and Alfred.
Rosa: You'd rather be Alfred than Robin?
Charles: He has access to the Batcave, plus, he gets to drive all of Batman's girlfriends home and dish.

Bob: Chocolate is the devil's carob.
Captain: And carob is Satan's raisin.

Jake: My fellow detectives, ours is not an easy job. The hours are long, the danger is constant, the pay is LOL.

Captain: [about Jocelyn, Diaz's girlfriend] Now that the squad has all met her, surely you can't object to her having some rice with Kevin and me?
Rosa: Okay, it's just that you can be a bit judgmental.
Captain: What a stupid thing to say. Name one time when I have been judgmental.
Rosa: Okay.
Captain: [flashback] What a stupid thing to say.
[Back to present]
Captain: Oh, I see. Mere seconds ago.

Jake: Sorry dude... But this new guy is gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher, who's only concerned with
[robotically]
Jake: following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep. Robot captain engage.
Captain: Is that what you think?
Jake: He-hey! New captain alert.
[laughs]
Jake: You must be the new C.O. I'm Detective Jake Peralta. Great to meet you.
Captain: Now don't let me interrupt. You were describing what kind of person I'm gonna be. I'd like you to finish.
Jake: That's not necessary. Or I could recap very quickly, sure. Um, let's see. I think I said some joke about being a washed-up pencil pusher.
Captain: Now do the robot voice.
Jake: Which...
Captain: The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I wanna hear it again.
Jake: Meep morp... Zarp. Robot.
Captain: That's a terrible robot voice.
Jake: Yep.
Captain: The next time I see you, I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.

Charles: So how was the restaurant?
Amy: SUCH A NORMAL TIME!
Charles: Why are you being weird?
Jake: Amy and I kissed.
Charles: WHAT?
Amy: To keep our cover from being blown, we didn't have a choice.
Charles: Tell me everything!
Jake: Charles, it was just a kiss, okay? It was for work, it was nothing.
Rosa: Yeah, who cares about a kiss? Call me if you grab each other's asses.

- You once took a train to Toronto to get a Canadian vhs copy of die hard.
- There was a rumor it was better sound quality! Get a grip, Terry.
- We just need a way to compare the fans' handwriting to the death threats.
- Oh! We get them to sign a petition to make qwandor the dragon a male.
- Ooh, "smorf." But are we going to fit in there dressed like this?
- No. No, we're not.

- Bodega on Smith.
- Perp is heading east on baltic.
- That's us! We're on baltic.
- Oh, crap. That was him!
- Irene: Hey!
- NYPD, stop!

Scully: I'd rather see butts.
Doug: Fine, if I let you see butts, will you convince the guys that Jake's not a cop?
Scully: How many butts are we talking?
Doug: Six.
Scully: Ten.
Doug: Seven.
Scully: Nine.
Doug: Fine, eight, I'll meet you in the middle.
Scully: Nah, you waited too long. Now it's up to 14.

- Give me my phone? Hmm?
- Thank you.
- And send.
- Why hasn't she written back yet?
- God, this feels terrible!
- You two could have stopped this, but you didn't, you monsters!

Charles: You tricked me, Rosa! And then you shipped me to New Jersey!
Rosa: First of all, grow up. Second of all, how'd you get back here so fast?
Charles: If you get a box wet enough, it's very easy to bust out of it.
Jake: No one ask any follow-ups.

Rosa: ...because we let that ancient windbag fool us.

Scully: It's not sticky because I'm so juicy!

- He admitted that his alibi was a lie.
- It was a trap. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
- I believe you.
- Thank you. Son.
- You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
- I'd like that.

Charles: I was looking for more of an emotional connection. For example, my favorite meal is a simple roast chicken and potatoes. It was the only dish my mother knew how to cook, and when I eat it, I feel as though I am once again inside her womb.
[the Captain stares flatly]
Charles: What's your story behind a PB&J?
Captain: I want a sandwich. I make a sandwich. I eat... a sandwich.

Rosa: Night shift is boring. Listen to the cases I've had: Drunk and disorderly, drunk and disorderly, cyber crime...
Jake: Ooh, cyber crime. Pretty cool.
Rosa: Caught a drunk guy humping a laptop.

- Oh, I see you have a knife.
- Butwhat you need is an umbrella.
- Tell him why. Tell him why.
- Because there's a [bleep] Storm gonna rain down on you, punk.
- Peralta: Ooh.
- My goodness.

Rosa: Look, this isn't Cagney calling Lacey a poopy-head. I can't just give him a time-out.
Terry: Time-out? Are you serious? Poopy-head means no Doc McStuffins for a week! Terry hates bathroom talk.

Jake: Man up? That is sexist. I don't see gender, sir.

Jake: It's like you're not even trying to confess!

Scully: It's just nice to have a win after what we went through today. So many deviled eggs were lost, and for what?
Hitchcock: Hey, hey, you can't focus on that. There were hundreds of meatballs that were eaten because of you!
Scully: I could've eaten more. Just one more!

- I'm just so happy for that guy.
- It's about time he caught a break.
- Sexy train is leaving the station.
- Check out this caboose!
- Later, sluts.
- Just let him have it.
- Greatjob, boyle.

- My hands are covered in butter from making butter.
- I'm on it!
- Must record, must record!
- Camera on. All right. Here we go.
- Holt: Dancing over.
- Situation defused.

- It's stock. One million shares!
- Oh, my god!
- Of blockbuster video stock.
- What? Is that bad?
- I still have a blockbuster card.
- What happened to blockbuster?

Charles: Oh, my wedding day. I should've known it was a mistake when she said, "I suppose," instead of, "I do."

Captain: I don't enjoy being judged, so I'm on my way to Atlantic City for the weekend. I'll be gambling.
Jake: No, sir, please just come back, okay? Terry and I will keep you company. We'll go to a museum. One of the boring ones with no dinosaurs.

Dr. Frederick Tate: Now, I'm sorry, but our session is coming to a close. I guess I'll have to bill your widow.
Jake: Wow, that is cold-blooded, but I got to hand it to you, it's a pretty dope kill line.

Gina: [Australian accent] Crikey.
Amy: You're not Australian, Gina.
Gina: Get stuffed, ya drongo.

Terry: You're not the same immature, rebellious kid you used to be. Didn't you and Amy buy a family-friendly midsize sedan?
Jake: In a rebellious color... champagne... which is an alcohol. And let's not forget, I wanted to have sex in your office just now.
Terry: Yeah, to have a baby and become a father!
Jake: Yeah, he turned it around on me.

Rosa: Amy was right. Drugs are bad.

Terry: I'm following our captain's orders.
Rosa: His orders were stupid. I hated him more than any cop I've ever known.
[Gasps]
Rosa: Whoa. I just realized I'm never gonna be able to say that to his face. I mean, I could say it to his wife at the funeral, but it won't be the same.

Gina: Who cares, who cares, who cares?

Jake: But what about the autobiography of Persimminons you were taunting us with?
Dean: I suppose I can see how holding any book would seem like a taunt to you.
Jake: I own a book.

Gina: How was I supposed to know there would be consequences for my actions?

Raymond: I'm saying the Nine-Nine just became a case study for how a police force can work better with fewer police.
Frank: Are you actually talking about laying off cops?
Raymond: If these numbers persist, I may have no choice.
Frank: Then I'll just end the Blue Flu.
Raymond: Great. That's what I want.
Frank: Then I won't end the Blue Flu.
Raymond: Great. Fewer cops. That's what I want.
Frank: You just said that--
[beat]
Frank: This is a very frustrating conversation.

Jake: Hey there, Jake Peralta.
Lt. Andrew Miller: I'm sorry, handshakes are the greatest avenues of germ transmission. I generally prefer simple nods.
Jake: Ok.
Lt. Andrew Miller: Would you ah. Pass me that hand sanitizer, please?
Jake: Yah.
Lt. Andrew Miller: No, no, no! Use your elbows, keep your nostrils closed. Don't, BREATHE on it!
Jake: [drops the sanitizer] Ah!
Lt. Andrew Miller: Forget it, I'll just use the wipes.

Jake: [to Holt] You have no idea what it's like taking off bras. You had it so easy growing up gay!

Rosa: Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.

Amy: Okay, everyone calm down. I will put a request in for a new fridge.
Rosa: Good luck getting that approved. Commissioner Kelly's already slashed our budget within an inch of its life.
Hitchcock: Yeah, the toilet paper's only one ply now.
Scully: My butt hurts all the time.
Hitchcock: The AC is broken.
Scully: My butt hurts all the time.
Hitchcock: Scully's butt hurts all the time.

Roger: Aunt Millie?
Walter: Dead.
Roger: Uncle Thomas?
Walter: Dead.
Roger: Aunt Janet?
Walter: Dead.
Roger: Uncle Dean?
Walter: Gay.
Roger: Ooh, good for him. What about Aunt Lyn?
Walter: Dead.
Walter: [to Amy, on the phone] Apparently there was a fire at the family reunion. Lucky for my Uncle Dean, he was not welcome at the event.

- You can have your blackmail files back.
- I don't want 'em anymore.
- Gina, these are just photos of me in my everyday clothes.
- I know. It's painful, right?
- All right.
Julia: Your turn, mija. Right.

- Terry's trapped in the break room forever.
- Only thing we can do now is move on with our lives.
- It's what Terry would've wanted.
- Aah! [Grunts]
- God bless us, everyone?
[Yells] Yeah! All: Yeah!

- Dumb robot probably rolled into the stain/veil.
- That's why you shouldn't be best friends with this...
- K-13 says we are "g" to 'g". Amy?
- The shush is lifted. Party time!
- Beer me!
- Yeah!

- Seriously, Charles...
- Uh-uh, I warned you!
- I'm Tommy gobbler, you silly pilgrim.
- Okay, Tommy gobbler.
- There you go!
- These are the davidsons.
- They want to know what happened to their missing grandmother.
- I have some deeply tragic news for you.

Amy: I have seven brothers, Rosa, and I like all of them except David. Perfect David. David graduated at the top of his class at the police academy. David took a bullet for the mayor. David bakes his own bread.
Hitchcock: Ooh, and does this David have a sister?
Jake: Yes. Amy is his sister.
Hitchcock: And what's her deal?
Jake: You were at the wedding, Hitchcock.

- Oh, man. Why did you say that? Now I want one.
- So you should go get one.
Hitchcock: Oh, and let you win?
- You're just trying to get us to stand up.
- No. We should all go get one...
- In our chairs.
Hitchcock: She's right.
- The only thing holding us back is society.

- That's totally fine, we can just skip that part of it.
- Guitar.
- Holy crap. Melipnos plays like an angel.
- Amy, we're a go!
- Hey, melipnos. I don't know you.
- Okay.

Kevin: Sure, my husband is a hot piece of ass, but he is so much more than just that. Raymond Holt is as smart as anyone in this department, but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place. One day, I hope to live up to the standard you set. You make me want to have a wetter brain.
Captain: Oh, Kevin.
Jake: Y'all are hella specific.

Jake: Charles Boyle... isn't a Boyle.

- Thanks, guys. You're the best.
- All: Happy birthday, Scully.
- I can't believe it.
- The fake birthday worked!
- You're a genius.
- We're both geniuses. [Laughs]
[Exhales] Thumbtack mug.
- That was my thumbtack mug.

Chief: [On video] Hello, Raymond. Surprised to see me?
Raymond: Well, I didn't say Bloody Mary three times, so yes.
Amy: When did she record this?
Rosa: Judging by the flames around her, it could be a livestream.

Jake: You wanna know why I really wanted that year of no paperwork? It's so if we did get pregnant, I would have more time to help with the baby.
Amy: Aww.
Jake: No, save your "aww." I don't deserve it. I'm just some boring, responsible guy that's about to lose our car.
Amy: You're still pretty irresponsible.
Jake: Aww. You're just saying that 'cause you're my wife.
Amy: No, I'm not. Yesterday, you took the batteries out of our smoke detector to put in your Big Mouth Billy Bass.
Jake: You noticed.
Amy: Yeah. In a bad way.

Amy: [Seeing Rosa, Boyle and Terry drunk] This is a room of nightmares.
Captain: [Drunk, but so deadpan and emotionless, no one would know he's drunk] You're the nightmare. You made me kill my balloon baby. Look at me. So drunk, I'm alliterating... like a beatnik.

- We make the rules.
- Maybe it would help to just not think about the whole thing for a while and see where we're at.
- Yeah, okay.
- I love you.
- I love you.

- You never trade a seven-footer with three-point range.
- Why is the precinct full of bunnies?
- Man: Go, go, go!
- This is still going on? What is?
- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Halloween heist!

Jake: Sir, I'd like to talk to you about the new task force you're on the hiring committee for.
Raymond: The Special Tactical Operations and Auxiliary Strategic Response Citywide Emergency Investigative Unit for Emergency Operations? You know, I had a hand in naming it.
Jake: And it's great, although you might wanna try shortening it, maybe using a cool acronym.
Raymond: So, the S.T.O.A.S.R.C.E.I.U.E.O.? Hm, you're right. That *is* cool.

Gina: [Introducing herself] Hi. Gina Linetti, the human form of the 100 emoji.

Jake: All right, full disclosure. I was trying to do that Bible thing and then one of you was gonna take the high road and say that rather than see the tickets destroyed, you would just bow out, and then that person was gonna get the tickets.
Terry: Nope. If I don't get them, no one does.
Charles: Agreed. Boyles or bust.
Terry: Cut them up.
Jake: I'm not gonna do that. I'm just gonna have to think of another way to figure this out. Stupid Bible with stupid lessons never solved crap!

Rosa: Enough. I'm going to the dumb party but only because I don't want to hurt Marcus, I'm still super mad at you.
Charles: Like how you're super mad at Gilmore Girls for how the finale went down?
Rosa: I just wanna see Lorelai happy. And shut up!

Chief: You don't trust me, I don't trust you. The mission is off. Here's your bug back. It's not an actual bug, so don't eat it, you lizard.
Captain: Ha! You didn't specify the subspecies of lizard. I won that round!

- And I stepped on... on my muffin, and my head and my muffin.
- Jeffords: Amy Santiago.
- She's got seven brothers.
- So she's always trying to prove she's tough.
- Be careful.
- That stuff's pretty hot.
- Oh, is it? Hmm?

Rosa: ...The only way to move on, is to move on; Wherever you think you're ready to or not...

Adrian: The universe is sending me a sign. And when the universe talks, I listen!
Jake: Well, I personally don't even really believe in signs, so...
Adrian: What? Then you deserve to die! The sign was real. If I ignore it and marry Rosa anyway, I'm basically asking the universe to stomp on my balls.
Jake: Okay, good point. Hey, Gina, I could use your help here. You wanna maybe weigh in on this one?
Gina: Yeah, sure. You're right. The marriage is cursed.
Jake: What? No! You weighed in wrong.
Gina: I'm sorry, Jake, it's an omen. And I'm not taking your side against the universe's. It's hundred of years old.
Jake: What if there was something in the universe that could prove to you that you should still get married?
Gina: What would that be?
Gina: Finding his grandma's earrings. Or we could cut Rosa's ears off, and then it's like the earrings don't even make sense.
Adrian: Thank you! Someone's trying to help.

Jake: Ever since I brought these tickets up, you guys have made my life absolutely miserable, but that ends now, because I've made a choice.
Terry: Cagney is sick. We don't know how long she has.
Charles: We do know for Nikolaj. It's 36 hours.

Jake: Okay, a couple of quick announcements. First, I met our night janitor Ronald. If any of you are missing hand sanitizer, he drank it.

Rosa: Who or what is a Snoog?
Amy: Are you kidding me? It's only the best roller. It has the versatility of Sporjule, the safety rating of a Fajerb, and an even smoother ride than the Kinderbuscht.
Rosa: Are you having a stroke?
Amy: All the best strollers are from Scandinavia, where they don't hate people for having children.
Rosa: I saw "Midsommar." Those people have their own problems.

Charles: Why do you think Dr. Tate's the murderer?
Jake: He already knew where the bathroom was. He's clearly been here before.
Charles: Well, he probably just guessed, because it's obvious.
Jake: This is New York. It's never obvious where the bathroom is. I once had an apartment where the toilet was literally in the refrigerator.

[Sighs] Okay.
- Unbelievable. Unbelievable!

- I think we beat holt here.
- Or did you?
- I'll get the elevator.
- Crap! Looks like we're taking the stairs.
- All right, it's sixteen floors, pace yourselves.
- Forget it. Run as fast as you can!

Captain: Oh, man. I can't believe this wild ride's over. We've changed so much. You know, when we started out, we were just Charles the jock, Amy the rebel, Captain Silly Pants, Talky-talky Rosa, Terry the stoner, and C.J. the ringleader.
Amy: I'm not sure you're nailing these.

- You know what?
- I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a cheuksin.
- Okay, everyone.
- I have some news.
- That Madeline wuntch is a Korean toilet ghost?
- Bohng. We already knew that.
- Madeline wuntch is dead.
- Say what now?

Raymond: We need to get that key. How are you at picking pockets?
Jake: [Produces a wallet] Does this answer your question?
Raymond: Whose wallet is that?
Jake: It's mine. But it came out so smooth I barely even felt it.

Adrian: Jimmy the Butcher made me drive a croquet wicket through a guy's eyes into his brain. Brain leaked out his eyes like he was crying his own mind.

Scully: Type 3 and type 9 and 12 and 13 - those are all the diabeteses I have.

- but I found these stripped handlebars outside.
- You better not have messed with my bike for this heist.
- Let me remind you
- I'm carrying a weapon.
- We all have the same weapons.
- Damn, Rosa!
- Where'd you get that?
- The scorpion has left the nest.

Hitchcock: He got stopped for being black. Get woke, Scully!

Amy: Your butt. Your butt is the bomb.

Jake: Pregnant. Nice. Means you had sex.
Amy: Damn right, I did. And I forgot my birth control. Yeah! I think the belly will draw attention away from my face.
Jake: Smart. Like one big boob.

Rosa: [about to get injected] Okay. I'm ready. Stab me! Stab me! Do it, just do it!
Amy: Rosa?
Rosa: I'm psyching myself up.
[to the doctor]
Rosa: Don't look at them! Look at me! Do your job! Drain me! Aaaahhhh!

- All right. I'll move it a half-inch. Fine. It's your funeral.
- Oh, my god.
- Peralta: Worst prank ever.
- So stupid.
- Holt's not even going to notice.
- Holt: Good morning.
- You guys, the podium, it's...

- Plus, there's not even that much for you guys to do today.
- I mean, the squad is on reserve parade duty.
- Your job is to sit around.
- Peralta: Good point.
- Besides, what's the worst thing a responsible guy like me could do?
- Buckle your butts, everyone!
- The Jimmy jab games are back!

Amy: You know, you can't spell independent without dependent.
Rosa: And you can't spell go f#@& yourself without f#@& you!

- NYPD! Freeze!
- Taking down the bad guys without breaking up our convo.
- That's how we do it in the nine-nine.
- You're going in the wrong direction.
- Damn it, all these hallways look the same.
- That was such a cool walk off.

Charles: [Speaking to Hitchcock] You're as useless as that bomb sniffing dog that humps all the the bombs.

Rosa: Boyle, your turkey's here.
Charles: [Appears dressed in a plastic suit, sharpening a butcher's knife with an ax] All right, let's do this. Pretty cool, huh? I feel like Dexter. I think. I never actually saw the show. Billboard gave me nightmares.

- Frederick? Happy Thanksgiving.
- Huh.
- Six more miles. Run, Terry, run!
- Think of your wife in the care of Jake!
- Sarge, look!
- Aw, hell yeah!

- How cool is that? Zero percent.
- How are insects gonna help us?
- There weren't any in or around the body.
- Oh, my god.
- You still think forensic entomology is all blow flies and screw worms, don't you?

Scully: This is Dorothy, my pill box.
[He produces an enormous box, with hidden compartments, filled with pill boxes]
Jake: Good God.
Hitchcock: My friend here has dozens of medications prescribed for all of his ailments. They make him normal. They make me limitless.

Jake: Nuh-uh, I'm not gonna let the night shift win. Me and my main man Boyle are about to solve a case. Isn't that right, Charles?
Charles: Oh, you know we will. We'll call ourselves the Night Boys.
Jake: Kind of sounds like a male escort service.
Charles: The Midnight Men.
Jake: Even worse.
Charles: The Dark Stallions.
Jake: Looks like we're going with the Night Boys.

- Meets all the peralta criteria.
- Good. These tasks are top priority around here, people.
- I don't care how many criminals go free.
- All right? Dismissed.
- Uh, I'm not done with my briefing yet.
- I said dismissed!

Terry: Oh, you must be feeling better. You're heating up your favorite meal; beans.
Raymond: They're refried. It's bad enough they were cooked once, let alone twice, and now the toaster oven makes it three times. I couldn't be crying for help any louder.

- Are we going fast? Can anyone tell ifwe're going fast?
- I don't think we're going fast at all in any way whatsoever.
- I feel like we're going slow in every way whatsoever.
- Captain, how do you feel?
- Great. Excellent. Amazing.
- I feel better than
- I've ever felt at any moment in my entire life.
- So, we're all fine?

Deputy: If you were planning on sneezing, you should've brought your own.

Jake: What are you guys doing here?
Agneta: Oh, in Sweden, we call it police work. Perhaps you don't have a word for it?

Terry: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative child-centric ideals?
Terry: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain: Yas queen.

Terry: I gotta say, the Chinese know how to make a terrible scotch.
Jake: They certainly do. Ugh, it's bad. Gets you drunk, though.

Charles: Ever since Rosa gave me this baby, people have been treating me like I'm cool. The girl at the coffee shop even got the name on my cup right. It says "Charles," not "Cassie."

- very smart and dark and adult.
- It's not for nerds at all.
- Ooh! On our way there, should we sing the elvish hunting song?
- Both: Sharpen your swords and string your bows the beasts have gone away

Amy: Who was your partner back when you caught the Brooklyn Broiler?
Raymond: Martin Ormankupp. He was a great partner. Smart, loyal, homophobic but not racist. In those days, that was pretty good.

Adrian: This might not be the time to tell you, but both my parents died falling out of lighthouses, separate incidents.

- Okay. Okay. Sorry.
- Okay. [Laughs]
- Hey, Diaz, come in here.
- Talk to me.
- This dude is super horny.
- Yeah.
- Ah. Ah, ow. Whoa.

Terry: Think of it this way: It's like doing reps at a gym. Doing something over and over again is how you make your pecs pop.
Raymond: The only muscle I care to work out is my brain.
Terry: Then get those reps in and make that brain pop.
[Starts flexing his pecs]
Terry: Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.
Raymond: What you're describing is an aneurism.

- Good idea. Let's keep moving.
- Kim: Hello? [Whispering]
- She's coming. Hide.
- Title of your sex tape.
- In here.
- Kim: Hello?
- Is anyone up here?

Jake: We can never let anyone know that we got beat up by Debbie Fogle.
Rosa: Agreed.
Jake: Take it to the grave?
Rosa: To the grave.
Jake: This conversation never happened.
Rosa: I don't even know who you are.
Jake: That's hurtful. You took it too far.
Rosa: That's a weird thing for a stranger to say.

Raymond: [about Madeleine Wuntch] What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.
Jake: Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.
Raymond: Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.
Jake: A what?
Raymond: A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.
Jake: You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

- The only reason you won is 'cause no one knew you were even playing.
- It was a pathetic act of pure cowardice.
- Woah. She's your girlfriend, peralta.
- Not tonight, she isn't.
- Although, don't kiss anyone else. I love you so much.
- Now, then, this one's for all...

Jake: Let's go.
Amy: No, wait. We look like cops. We're never gonna blend in dressed like this. Okay, there. How's that?
Jake: Uh, I don't know. All I see is clothes hanging off of a genderless blob.

- Jake, hurry up, I'm starving.
- Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- I just had to grab my wallet...
- Gentlemen.
- Fine, I was trying something, and it didn't work!

- Pony up, y'all!
[Laughs] Whoo!
[Cell phone rings] It's my wife.
- Hey, baby!
- No. No, no, no. Itwas a mistake. My thumb slipped, and...
- I have to go home.

- Wait, let me guess.
- You're getting bread plates?
- Don't be absurd. We're not crazy. No, the big surprise is...
- I'm retiring from the NYPD.
- Wait...
- What?
- Why did you lead with the salad forks?

- Oh, god, I can't stop!
- The full bullpen!

Terry: You're a genius!
Gina: Well, I'd love to take credit, but the truth is life just isn't that hard.

- Well, I hope you like nostril bush.
[Scoffs] Nostril bush?
- All right, no more talking.
- No more talking at all.
- Fine, I'm putting that on your list, too.
- That was talking. So was that.
- Okay, fine. In three, two, one, no talking. Zip it.

Terry: Charles, this Boyle bone broth is incredible. I'm not sore at all anymore.
Charles: I told you it works. The Boyles used to drink it during potato digging season to keep everyone healthy in the furrows.
Terry: You know, I bet we could sell this stuff.
Charles: You really think so?
[gasps]
Charles: We can call our company "The Bone Boys." No! "More Bone, Less Moan." No! "Workplace Bone Buds." That's the one. I'm registering it.

Raymond: What the hell is my father doing here?
Jake: You said you wanted to reconcile.
Raymond: I meant after he was dead. I planned on standing over his grave and yelling, "I forgive you."

Amy: Pretty hungover?
Jake: Shhhhh... turn off your mouth siren...

Captain: Gina, where have you been? You left your cell phone at your desk and I assumed you were dead.
Gina: Hm, I would clearly be buried with my phone.

Officer: These fools don't stand a chance against us.
Jake: Yeah, they really are fools, aren't they? Just like whoever Agnes and Alfredo beat at singing to get into the Olympics. I know nothing about opera.

- Look, the funeral's almost over.
- We basically pulled it off.
- All you've got to do is give a convincing eulogy.
- Roger that.
- Pimento's dead.
- Thanks for coming.

Jake: So John McClain's advice wasn't great, but I have other books. This one says to make sure neither of you has a full diaper. Feels like we can skip that part.
Roger: I wouldn't be so sure.

- Oh. No.
- Cool. When this case is over, I'm gonna ask her out.
- You're gonna ask out Amy when the case ends.
- Perfect.
- Yeah, that's a sipping whiskey.
[Gasping] So it is.

Jake: [about Gintars] Now they won't let him go just because I asked them to even though they arrested him just because I asked them to. It's a crazy system. I don't understand it.

- All righty. Ah.
- No problem. Why wouldn't you just use your other hand?
[Screams] Hot coffee in my cast.
[Sighs] Cold milk. Cold milk.
- Now it's coming out the bottom.
- It is coming out the bottom of my cast.
Gina: Ew.

Jake: I bet you do know the password to the wedding website, don't you?
Jake: Yeah, I guess.
Jake: Well, then I guess you better tell it to me, Shane. You wash my back, I'll wash yours.
Rosa: Wash?
Jake: I meant scratch. You know I meant scratch.

Amy: [On the phone, about Jake keeping their efforts to have a baby secret from Boyle] Hey, just checking in. How's it going with Charles? I know how hard this is for you. Have you told him anything?
Jake: Nope, we're still all good. He has no idea that we are growing a Whomping Willow in your Chamber of Secrets.
Amy: Well, I have to get back to the seminar. Also, you've ruined sex forever.

Amy: Life is unpredictable. Not everything is in our control. But as long as we're with the right people, we can handle anything.

- Ooh. Ooh! Rosa coming in hot! Rosa coming in hot!
- I'll also give you full control of my hair and wardrobe!
- I'll go on a date with you.
- Sold! To Jake, not to Scully.
- That really freaked me out, and I just want this to end now. Whoo!

- Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."
- I will not, however, in order to solve this case, we need the very finest of detectives, one with a unique set of skills, someone named...
- Dillman! I'll call dillman!
- Who?

Jake: Amy would never fudge numbers. She loves numbers. Sometimes I think she loves them more than me.
[Angrily]
Jake: Stupid numbers, think they're so great. I'd love to see numbers give you a baby.

[Chuckles] There, was that so hard, Shane?
- You did the right thing.
- Now get this piece of trash out of my sight.
- Oh, is forever spelled out or is it the number four?
- Oh, it's spelled out.
- Okay, thank you so much.
- Now get this piece of trash out of my sight!

- You know, I'm a bit of a computer nerd myself, but could you maybe dumb it down a bit for my friends here?
- Knox: They're almost through our defenses.
- If we can't stop them, they'll be inside of our server in...
- Nineteen minutes.
[Dramatically] Mama magglione.

Amy: Hey, who's that guy from Cyber?
Jake: Sergeant Knox. We've been talking computers all day. Pretty technical stuff. I kept up.

- All: [Chanting]
- Boyle, boyle, boyle!
- Boyle, boyle, boyle!
- Boyle!
- Were you dreaming about Jake again?
- Why did you wake me up?
- I told you never to wake me up!

- There she is. Amy, where have you been? We've been worried sick.
- Do you care to explain yourself?
- I'm just 70 seconds late, it's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.
- Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.
- There was a problem at the bank.
- Hot damn!

Guard: It just seems like you wanna be with Jamie-Lynn. I mean, you keep talking about her thigh gap.
Captain: That's my favorite part of a woman. There's nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis.

Rosa: Hey, Boyle, I need a recommendation for a good restaurant. It's Marcus' birthday and I wanna do something... nice.
Charles: Oooh! You want, like, classic romantic or gastro-sensuous?
Rosa: Nope, never mind.
Jake: I know those categories. You guys are talking dates. Here's what you do. Invite him over, order some fancy take out, throw it in a pot, and act like you cooked it. I got the idea from Yahoo! Answers.
Rosa: Dude, I'm not gonna buy a pot. We're not married.

- Yeah, Jake won't tell anyone if I ask him not to.
- I'll handle him.
- You take care ofamy.
- But how to make it look like an accident?
- I'm not saying murder, just talk to her like a normal person.
- Right, even better. Get her to tell me all her little secrets.
- Then if she tries anything...
[Grunting] We can destroy her.

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Charles: So, what they got you in here for?
Alfonso: Drugs. They want me to flip, but I'm no snitch. I'd rather do the time. How about you?
Charles: I pushed a man, just to see him frown.

- So, yes, I spilled some minestrone on my pants yes! And I'm sitting in my underwear. Happy?
- Sir, I need you to sign off on...
- Look at us.
- Just three people with pants on having a normal conversation.
- Yep. No story here.

Amy: [Jack and Amy are desperately looking to hire a babysitter] Ooh, we already have three applicants.
Jake: Great. Hire them.
Amy: I think we should interview them first.
Jake: But what if they're bad?

- Yes, I'm alone in the ladies room.
- No one can hear me.
- Okay, so I know something.
- But you can't ask how I know it.
- Debbie took the coke and the guns.
- Yeah, we know its Debbie.
- Acting super suspicious.

Jake: [Jake and Charles try to solve a case by role-playing as two French burglars] But then, we hear a sound...
Charles: ...and I yell, "Les gendarmes! Ils sont ici!"
Jake: And I know what that means because I'm French, but I ask you to repeat it in English, just to be sure.

Terry: [disgusted] What's in these?
Amy: Potatoes, butter, a little milk. Oh, and I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.
Terry: Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders! Of course they're interchangeable!
Amy: [seriously, not understanding Terry's problem] Yeah.

The: All eyes are gonna be on us because Frick and Frack here killed Captain Dozerman.
Jake: Hey, we accidentally startled a man with a genetic heart condition. If you really think about it, his parents killed him.

Jake: Okay, you and Rosa follow Augustine.
Charles: Right. And you and Amy: follow your hearts.
Jake: No! We're gonna stay with the package.
Charles: And each other, forever.

- No, youte not ruining this!
- Has anyone heard from the bomber?
- Has he made any demands?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Special agent feingold, FBI.
- This is our case.
- You're not a part of it.
- Oh, man! You ruined it!

Officer: Okay, I know you haven't done this in a while, so here's a tip... keep your hat on. Because of all the standing still, the pigeons think we're statues and they will poop on you or peck you. Both are bad.
Raymond: Thank you for the helpful tip.
Officer: Oh, I've got a ton of them. They're mostly about the dangers of standing. A year on the beat without prescription insoles can take two years off your life.
Raymond: Any way to speed the process up?

Jake: I've been dirty long before Nucci came onto the scene. I do a ton of coke. They call me Mr. Springtime because of how fast I make the snow disappear.

- Peralta: NYPD. Everyone, down!
- Ma'am, if you could just get down.
- Or ignore me and continue shopping.
- Boyle, get the door! On it.
- Ratko?
- Peralta: Back up.

Jake: Okay, to get into the basement, we're gonna have to distract her, so here's what I'm thinking. Maxwell Maxwell turns on the charm. Unbutton your jumper and say, "The thing about gas lines is, "the pressure builds and builds and it just needs a little... release."
[moans]
Jake: You don't have to make that sound, but if I were you, I definitely would.
Raymond: No one will be talking about release or making the sound of a rodent in labor.
Jake: It was a sensuous moan, but fair enough.

Amy: Pick Amy, dummies.

Geoffrey: I had everything. I had friends, a wife, two beautiful children... out of three total. Not a bad ratio.

Captain: [Terry has just fixed a copy machine] *It works!* I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.
Terry: I mean, I've solved a lot of cases for you.
Captain: And yet crime has continued.

Charles: Patrols have searched a five-block radius. No sign of the perp.
Jake: And there were no prints. He was wearing gloves.
Charles: Like the inimitable Audrey Hepburn.
Jake: Nope.

Amy: Hey, what's taking so long?
Fireman Curt: Look, I can do it safely or I can do it quickly.
Amy: Do it quickly!
Fireman Curt: Oh, I can't do it quickly. You called my bluff.

Scully: [Santiago and Peralta enter the police station wearing shower caps because they have put maple syrup in their hair, trying to get rid of lice] Oh, Amy, what is that enchanting new perfume?
Amy: It's syrup, Scully.
Scully: [sexually aroused] And it is working. Hmm-hmm.

Amy: Don't be late or I'll slit your throats. Heh, heh, heh.
Rosa: You don't have to fake laugh, we know you mean it.
Amy: Good.

Jake: [Gina is revealed to have the real plaque of the heist] Gina! Of course! It all makes sense, except for the parts I don't understand and the fact that I still kind of think Terry did this.

Amy: You're out? I'm in the finals?
Jake: And all I have to do to get Katie's number is beat Amy? That's nothing.
Amy: [smacks his belly]
Jake: Hey! Don't you dare touch Amy Junior! That's right- it's your baby!
Amy: You saying I knocked you up?
Jake: You sure did!

Raymond: You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river.
Jake: Wrong - I look like a cool rock star who OD'd in his own pool.