The Best Mike Henry Quotes

Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: I swear to God I'm never looking at porn again.
Dann: Hi, I'm Dann.

Dick: You're a dead man, Smith! You are gonna die! I don't know where or when, but each of us has to go in our own time!
Jackson: Is that even a threat?
Judge: Order! Order! The gallery will refrain from shouting out existential truisms!

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Isaac, you have a date?
Isaac: Yes.
Dann: Oh, wow. Sweet emotion.
Isaac: I am seeking advice.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Well, I mean, what I would normally do is...
Isaac: I'd prefer to hear from Commander Lamarr.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Uh, well, who's the lucky lady? Or fella?... Or o-object?

Stanley: You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?
Jackson: Yeah, yeah - you need a vagina.
Jeff: Yeah, vaginas are great. Wish I had one.

Avery: I need a new team leader.
Jackson: Sir, I'm your man. I will not rest until the alien and all his accomplices are brought to just...
Stan: [to Bullock; pointing at Jackson] He told me he hates you.
Avery: What? Jackson, is this true?
Jackson: ...Yes.
Avery: Get out of my sight! Smith, how do you feel about me?
Stan: You're okay, I guess.
Avery: Good, then you're the man for this job.

Stan: Hi. We don't have a reservation, but I'm Stan Smith.
Maitre: Pf!

[last lines of the episode, as Stan goes outside to look at the damage done by the hurricane]
Stan: [sighs] What a day.
Cleveland: [off-screen] Tell me about it.
[Stan turns to see Cleveland and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house as Cleveland walks up to Stan]
Cleveland: I don't even know where the hell I am.
Stan: [pulls out a gun] Looter!
Cleveland: [also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!
[Two guns are heard cocking and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]
Peter: A black and a white talking as if it's normal!
[We pull back to reveal the Griffin house next to the Brown and Smith houses as Peter walks up to Stan and Cleveland]
Cleveland: Peter, what are you doing? You know me!
Peter: Everybody shut up and let me think! Just let me think!
[Francine comes out the front door]
Francine: Stan, have you...
[Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]
Peter: [laughs] Oh, man. Classic "American Dad".