200 Best Francine Smith Quotes

Francine: [to Roger] Go back to your whore family!

Hayley: What is Dad's problem with music?
Francine: Well, music makes you feel things and your dad's a bit of an emotional tight-ass and a literal one.

Linda: [holds up glass] To new friends.
Francine: You guys, I have a confession to make. This wasn't a theme party. I was just covering for Stan.
Bob: Sweetheart, we know. We've encountered people like him before.
Francine: You have?!
Bob: Oh, sure. But I gotta say, even though Stan's a suspicious, xenophobic vigilante, he's still a hundred times better than our last neighbors.
[laughs]
Bob: They were black.

Linda: [to Francine] So did you throw out the lasagna?
Francine: No. I just have to find a way to make it taste fresh on Thursday, but tonight is "Leftover Wednesday", so I have to make a casserole that tastes like I made it yesterday. If I stay in this rut, it won't be long until it's "Head-In-The-Oven Friday."

Francine: Okay, calm down. It's not cheating. It's just acting. Acting's not that hard. Renée Zellweger just makes it look hard.

Francine: [to Roger] Why is everybody staring at us?
Roger: Maybe 'cause we're at a funeral and you got your taters out.

Stan: [about Roger's girlfriend] Anyone else kind of hoping she's a midget?
Francine: Well, now that you've put the image in my head, yes, but not the Verne Troyer kind. That's too midgety.

Francine: [sees the Boss with a pitchfork when the elevator stops] Something tells me that big fork isn't for a giant salad!

Francine: Listen, I don't want a baby either. Trading sushi and bourbon for hemorrhoids and swollen boobs. Screw that.

Francine: This man's given me something you haven't for a long time.
Stan: We've talked about this. My neck gets tired.
Francine: I'm talking about respect, Stan.
Stan: Oh my God, you respected her? You're dead, Klaus!

Francine: [to Stan] How come every time we go to a party you push me in the pool!
Stan: Everyone's always afraid to be the first one in the pool. You're that girl. You're the party starter.
Francine: My purse tampons were floating in the water!
Stan: People were impressed by how big they got.

Francine: She was an old woman.
Francine: She probably died before we hit her.

Stan: What happened?
Francine: You were about to tell me about my birthday present, then you started making bird noises, got an erection and started tongue-kissing the air.

Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
Stan: You made all this in one day?
Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Stan: [after Francine brings home a dog] What the hell is that?
Francine: This is Fussy. His owner was killed, and he needs a home.
Stan: No way, Francine! We're Smiths, and Smiths have manly dogs. This dog couldn't be any more effeminate, even if it had 20 vaginas, and then it would just be a freakish mutant or a beautiful symbol of fertility.

Francine: [lets out a long fart] Ahh... I've been holding that in since Jeopardy.

Francine: [to Hayley] I went to a few concerts when I was your age. I'd get backstage all the time. Of course back then, you really had to work for it not like today with all these sissy radio giveaways. "Oh, you're caller 96. Bravo!" Fit that whole phone in your mouth, you might have been able to hang with my crew.

Hayley: [after Stan is checked out of rehab] Mom, while we're here I really think I should check myself in for my pot problem.
Francine: Just stop it, Hayley.

Francine: Stan, I'm late for my period.
Stan: Maybe if you jump up and down... get things started.

Betty: Mr. Yabo is taking me to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon.
Francine: [imitates Betty's voice] Mr. Yabo is taking me to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon. Seriously, that's how you sound.

Francine: Oh, come on, Hiko. Let 'em have some fun. College is years away.
Hiko: That attitude is why my children will attend Harvard while Steve will be lucky to be wait-listed at an online, offshore college.
Francine: Oh, you whore.

Stan: Who's the boob? Is that what you call me behind my back?
Francine: It's just a nickname, honey. It's like "fatty" or "baby penis."

Francine: [to Steve] You bastard! That's what I said to my old ugly hairdo. What's wrong, honey?
Steve: Aw, I hate being a famous author. Do I really have to go on Cap'n Monty's?
Francine: Oh. Well, no. I suppose not.
Steve: Thanks, Mom.
Francine: Oh, Steve, just curious. When did you stop loving Mommy?
Steve: What?
Francine: 'Cause if you loved me, you wouldn't want me to have ugly hair, but do whatever makes you happy. I have to go put some ointment on that hideous cesarean scar I have because of you.
Steve: But Hayley was the cesarean.
Francine: Oh, that's right. With you, I just tore from my "V" to my "A." Good night.

Steve: I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
Francine: Oh, now, why would you say that?
Steve: Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
Francine: Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work or mow the lawn or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
Steve: Hey, maybe until Dad gets better, I can clean the gutters.
Francine: That's creepy, honey.

Handyman: [Turning his eyes upwards] Forgive them, they know not what they do.
Francine: Oh we know what we're gonna do. We're going to crucify you, on Angie's List.

Francine: I have a new dream now. You wanna know what it is? You really wanna know?
Stanley: Eh.
Francine: My dream... is to destroy George Clooney. That arrogant, overrated, memo-writing bastard! He's not even an actor! He just does the same cheesy move every time. Looks down, then looks back up squinting underneath his eyebrows. And everybody's buying it! God, if I just had the chance. I know exactly how I'd bring him down. You see, Clooney's never fallen in love. It's always a fling here, a fling there. Well, I'd make him fall in love with *me*. And then I'd break his heart and watch him cry until his eyeballs bleed!
Stanley: Francine, I'm sorry, but that's the craziest most unsettling thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And we're totally gonna make it happen!

Francine: I just can't believe Stan forgot our anniversary.
Klaus: I would never forget our anniversary.
Francine: We have an anniversary?
Klaus: October 25, the day you forgot to put on underpants. Let's celebrate early. Quick! Straddle mein bowl.

Francine: Steve, I just did a big Trader Joe's run. Pour yourself some unsweetened cherry juice. Maybe have it with some sunflower paste on a flax crisp. There's also a scallop shu mai that tastes like nothing and a mushroom flatbread pizza that smells like nut sack.

Roger the Alien: [to Francine] Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter but he'd never cheat on you.
Francine: It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash at 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes, when you're on the floor with another girl, guys will throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision?

Stan: This awesome man is Jack Smith, my real father!
Francine: Say WHAAAAT?

Roger the Alien: Why? What did I ever do to make you say those incredibly hurtful things?
Stan: Are you serious?
Roger the Alien: Do I look like I'm not serious!
Francine: This is what you wanted
Roger the Alien: You stay away from me Francine! You all stay away!

Francine: Stan, I know you're upset.
Stan: Upset? I'm just now finding out my daughter might not even be mine. I can't believe it. I mean, I changed her diapers, I fed her, I clothed her, I got her braces, I sent her to college. Holy shit, that guy owes me so much money.

Francine: You don't want to be here after closing. That's when they come to life.

Francine: [after turning Steve into a toddler] Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome young man.
Steve: Just so you know. I'm speaking calmly right now, but there's a tantrum brewing in me the likes of which this mall has never seen!

Francine: You were right, Stan. I want to meet my real parents.
Stan: Don't worry, honey. I'll find them, no matter how long it takes. They'll be here at 6:00.

Stanley: I got the promotion, Francine!
Francine: Yes, but you Iost my respect. You're not the man I married.
Stanley: You're not the man I married.
Francine: That makes no sense.
Stanley: It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

Stan: [to Francine] Where's Steve? I want to see how my fantasy basketball team is doing.
Francine: Well, he understood the fantasy part, but had no idea what basketball was. He tried to add three griffins and an orc to your roster.
Stan: Fucking nerd.

Francine: [Alarms are going off] Stan what's happening!
Stan: Not much, what's happening with you?

Francine: I did it again. I said something helpful and went past it.

Hayley,8490: [Last line of episode to Gross Oyster Guy] Suck our Butts!
[both punch him]

Steve: I feel it coming on!
Francine: Don't you do it, young man!
Steve: I think I'm gonna go bananas.

Roger the Alien: I guess you had to come out of, or regularly visit- Francine's clown hole to matter around this place!
Francine: It *is* a happening spot.

Francine: Well I'm going to go enter my pie.
Stan: Like I did last night, huh?

[At her new stripping job, Hayley's parents stay to watch]
Stanley: Shake it, baby! You will not break it!
Francine: It took me nine months to make it!

Stanley: I'm gonna go in with Steve for his prenataI exam aIone. It's kind of a father-son thing.
Francine: Oh, okay. HayIey and I'll go say heIIo to the donkey running around the cancer ward.

Francine: It must be fun to play an Army guy.
Roger: Play? Puppies play! Reese Witherspoon plays to her strengths when she takes on middle-of-the-road romantic comedies like "Sweet Home Alabama."

Francine: [to Hiko] My son's gonna win the National Spelling Bee.
Hiko: Ha! That's impossible because Akiko is going to win. She's already won at her private school in Maryland and if Steve does make it to Nationals, Akiko will be there to crush him.
Francine: No, Steve is gonna be the one who destroys Akiko. Your skin is amazing. I can't tell how old you are.

Francine: We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?
Bullock: Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

Hayley: Does Jeff seem a little weird to you guys since he got back, like a little different?
Stan: Hell yeah he's better!
Francine: Way better, if I were you Hayley I'd lock that down!
Hayley: Mom we're already married
Francine: I mean lock it down for real, rings catch girls
[rubs Hayley's belly]
Francine: babies trap boys
[Hayley looks disturbed]

Stan: Ladies, ladies! You're both Mrs. Smith.
Francine: Stan, what the hell?
Stan: Surprise! I got us a second wife. You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her "Thundercat."

Francine: So Steve is carrying an alien baby in some sort of faux uterus. How great is it that I started Xanax yesterday?

Francine: My women's intuition picked up on this five days ago and I mistook it for ghosts.

Francine: [after Kelly orders drinks] Oh, no.
Kelly: That's right: Ultimate Kellys.
Hayley: What's... what's in it?
Kelly: Don't worry about it. Let's just say it's why Montel Williams has M.S.

Francine: [while on the phone to Stan] Bitch, did you just hang up on...?
[Stan hangs up on her]

Francine: Stan, it's great the CIA gave you that $20,000 bonus for "Most Evasive Testimony to Congress," but at this rate, it'll be gone in no time.
Stan: Hey, if I don't buy all this crap, the terrorists win! And don't tell me it's not a competition, because it SO is.

Stanley: Francine, remember the agreement we've made that we could do one person and it wouldn't count?
Francine: Yes. You picked Susan Sarandon.
Stanley: I've changed my mind! I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.
Francine: Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us!

Francine: Say hi to Betty for me!
Tuttle: Oh, I would, but she died six months ago. The big C.
Francine: Cancer?
Tuttle: No, the big letter C from the Coca-Cola sign. Fell right on top of her.

Francine: [to Stan] Shut up, you pre-eating douche bag!

Francine: Whoa, Roger. You know you can't leave the house.
Roger the Alien: Everyone else gets to.
Francine: Well, everyone else isn't an alien, now are they?
Roger the Alien: Whoa! Somebody had a big piece of grouchy pie this morning.

Francine: You can't speak ill of Oprah. Val Kilmer bad-mouthed Oprah and now he's slowly turning into a pumpkin.

Francine: [as Stan rushes to get to church on time] Wait! My bra!
Stanley: No time! Just keep your arms crossed and Jesus won't see 'em!

Steve: [after learning that Cassandra committed suicide] Momma, the man said someone died upstairs. What if I see a g-g-g-ghost?
Francine: [Mockingly] I don't know Steve, you'll probably p-p-p-piss your pants!

Francine: Hayley, what are we gonna do about your dad? He's really obsessed with this band.
Hayley: [after getting trapped in the pool by Stan] Didn't you hear me, Mom? I've been screaming "help" for an hour. Thank God the pool guy came.

Francine: Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...
Stan: Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but, please, keep going.
Francine: Oh, just forget it!
Stan: Great call, Francine.

Francine: Stan, all you ever feel is anger. Why is that the only emotion you can express?
Stan: Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now, pass me the fucking sweet potatoes!

Francine: Your father won't be joining us for dinner.
Jeff: I'm sorry our horse-for-two costume freaked him out, Mrs. S.
Francine: Just bad timing, Jeff.
Jeff: It's a sex thing.
Francine: I know, Jeff.

Francine: Stan, we just finally got Steve off the heroin from the last birthday present you gave him.
Steve: I got so high.

Steve: Anyway, I was talking to the Amish kid and I still have some questions about sex.
Stanley: Absolutely, son. Let's talk in private.
Francine: Stan, do you want me to come with you?
Stanley: No. This is a father's job. Besides, sons have complex relationships with their mothers, especially if they're as beautiful and sexy as my mother.

Francine: Stan, let them out. This isn't funny.
Stan: Oh, oh, Linda's making a run for the gate!
[Electrified noise, Linda screams]
Stan: Come on, Francine. You can't tell me that's not funny.

Francine: Yeah! I just got the biggest, bloodiest period of all time!

Roger: [to the song "Xanadu"] Xanadu/Can't cry on cue/Now I am here in Xanadu
[to an older lady]
Roger: Here you go, ma'am, I talked to the chef. There's no cream in the soup, just like you asked for.
[back to the song]
Roger: Xanadu... !
Francine: Roger's playing Olivia Newton-John on our cruise ship? Oh, this has Goo written all over it!

Francine: We're grandparents!
Stan: Steve was raped by a confused lesbian?

Francine: [about Steve] That four-eyed bastard. That malnourished pasty geek. I knew I should have aborted him.
Stan: Goodness.

Francine: Stan, I've got some terrible news.
Stan: For you or for me?
Francine: For you.
Stan: Damn.

Francine: [when Tungi returns] I forgot how much he S-U-U-U-U-C-K-E-D!

Francine: God, Hayley! I get it! I'm un-rapable, not stupid!

Francine: [after spotting a customer leaving Sub Hub and getting into his car] Meat thief! Meat thief!
Hayley: This is my Big chance to make a bust!
[Man reverses away]
Hayley: We gotta tail him!
Francine: To the meat mobile!
[Hayley dives into the driver's seat, Francine jumps and slides along the hood but tears her dress off on the wing mirror, leaving her in her underwear]
Francine: Goddamn Witches, Man...

Francine: [to Stan] Didn't you have a best friend when you were Steve's age? Oh, my God, you didn't.
Stan: Francine, 12-year-old girls have best friends. Little boys can only be best friends with dragons.

Francine: [to Steve] I'm not good for you, you're so frustrating, I'm gonna go to SeaWorld, punch a dolphin

Francine: [after Linda saves Francine from being killed by the Ladybugs] What are you doing here?
Linda: Duh. It's Wednesday, our grocery shopping day?
Francine: Isn't that crazy? I thought my boring routine was killing me, but it ended up saving my life. And that fake lesbian kiss, What a great idea!
Linda: Fake? Oh, yeah... of course. Fake.

Steve: You joined the police academy, Roger? Sounds pretty bad-ass.
Francine: Steve, language!
Roger: Shut the fuck up, Frannie. The boy's expressing himself.

Francine: Hayley, do Mommy a favor and put on something less revealing.
Hayley: There is nothing inappropriate about this outfit.
Francine: Not if you're gonna spend the weekend tinkling on Bob Guccione.

Roger: [while fleeing down the cliff and running into Francine] Oh, Hi Frannie. How was the barge?
Francine: Honestly? Pretty Great.

Stan: What the hell, Francine? This tastes like crap!
Francine: I know. I used to cook everything in oil containing trans fat, but since the new law, you can't get it anymore.
Stan: That's what trans fat is? The stuff that makes everything taste wonderful? Oh, why doesn't the city council just declare a war on flavor? Like the English did years ago!
Steve: Their food is atrocious.
Francine: I miss Lady Di.
Steve: She was the people's princess...
Stan: I know who she was, Steven!

Francine: [to Stan] You made me think I was a murderer? Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through? I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain that to Jesus?
Stan: I'm... I'm sorry.
Francine: You're sorry? Do you know what super diarrhea is, Stan? Do you know how much you've screwed up my life?
Stan: Francine, I know I've done some terrible things, but I'll fix it. I'll fix everything, I swear.
Francine: What about Sanjit? I don't want an Indian baby! I don't even like Indian food!

Francine: I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?
Stan: It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorist!" and everyone ran away. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were asking, how did I ruin your party? And I'm like, you were there, baby. You had a front row seat.

Francine: [after finding out Stan's been lying about his father] I can't believe you lied to me all these years.
Stan: And the best part is I'm still lying about a bunch of other stuff!

Francine: Meredith, are you okay?
Meredith: Some lunatic kidnapped me and dumped me here.
Francine: Yeah, that's my friend. She's stolen your life. She's running your gala. Oh, and she may be having relations with your husband.
Meredith: No! My gala!

Francine: How's your French toast, honey?
Stanley: Smelly and ungrateful! But this "American toast" is fantastic!

Francine: Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.

Klaus: Can I come?
Francine: Oh, what's the point, Klaus? You're a fish!
Klaus: Ah. Francine, could you hit that Boom Box on your way out?
Edie: I quit! I give up! Nothing's good enough for anybody else...
Klaus: [crying] Wah-ha-ha-hah!

Francine: Stan, you're making too much of this. Do you think Corey Haim cares that Corey Feldman went on to great success? No, Corey Haim's doing great.

Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stanley: Smelly and ungrateful! But this American toast is delicious.

Francine: [to Stan, After faking her death] Dry those bitch tears and tongue kiss me you big galoot.

Greg: [after Greg and Terry tell Francine about them preparing Libby for college] You gotta start early if your child is going to be exceptional. It's the only way to get into the Ivies, but don't worry, Francine. Hayley turned out fine.
[he and Terry snicker]
Francine: You guys are both bitches!

Francine: Roger, what's going on with Stan? He's been acting very nervous and secretive.
Roger the Alien: You can add distant and hurtful to that list.
Francine: Something happened in Atlantic City, didn't it?
Roger the Alien: No.
Francine: Roger, look at me. What happened in Atlantic City?
Roger the Alien: Why don't you ask your husband?
[breaks his coffee mug and hides under the blankets]
Roger the Alien: I'll thank you to leave now.

Stan: I've never slept with anyone except you. But you... you have a sex garden that was on the cover of Sex Garden magazine.
Francine: Oh, is that what this is about? My past? Stan, that was just sex. Sex without love is meaningless.
Stan: Francine, I'm listening to you talk, I'm looking in your eyes, but all I can see is you taking more poundings than Omaha Beach before the ground assault began.

Francine: [about Bullock] Stan, what is he doing here? And he's wearing HayIey's robe. God, I can see his junk.

Francine: [points at Jeff] Look at him... still rocks a goatee... poser ass bitch!

Francine: [to Stan] Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ballgame with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ballgames, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?

Francine: [to Roger] What a cute beret.
Roger: Cute? Puppies are cute! Reese Witherspoon before children was cute.

Francine: [to Stan and Roger] Enough! Can't we have one meal without you two getting into an angry singing contest? Why is everything a competition?
Hayley: Yeah, you guys should just fuck and get it over with.
[everyone looks at her]
Hayley: Clearly, they have repressed sexual feelings for each other that they're channeling into hostility.
Steve: How's that Psych 101 class going?
Hayley: It's only day three, but I understand how the whole world works now.

Stan: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
Francine: So, the block party starts at 3:00pm and goes 'till question mark. It's pot luck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan: But not smallpox.
[laughs]
Stan: Kidding. Kind of joking, but not really.

Francine: [about Stan and Roger] I don't get it. They're friends again?
Hayley: Told ya. They just needed to fuck.

Francine: Oh, Stan, you're probably just having a midlife crisis. Do you wanna cheat on me?
Stan: A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on!

Jeff: [after Jeff is caught masturbating in the bathroom by Francine and Klaus] I'm sorry, but when I'm not smoking pot, I suffer from HLS, Hyperactive Libido Syndrome. When it hits, I got to get busy right away.
Francine: If you're gonna do that in this house, you'll do it where everyone else in this family does it: in Steve's bed.
Steve: [off-screen] What?

Francine: Anything for me?
Stanley: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.

Francine: What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years?
Stan: The manliest man, he'll do you right, seriously? you should be having sex with him, I don't think he's asleep, I can get him for you

Steve: [while possessed by Nemo] Mene mene tekel. Satana satana.
Hayley: Mom, Steve's acting weird again.
Francine: Steve, stop babbling at your sister in Aramaic. It's a dead language.

Francine: You know, you seem very familiar. Have we met before?
Klaus: [nervously] Oh, you know, I'm just one of those black Germans that seems familiar to everyone, hmm?

Francine: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
Stan: Well don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.

Francine: Francine to Roger, 'He doesn't like you. I don't like you either.' Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope, Dr. Evazan to Luke Skywalker: 'He doesn't like you. I don't like you either.'

Roger the Alien,20272: Francine!
Roger the Alien: Good to see you, Mrs. S. You just missed happy hour, but we may still have some crab cakes. Miguel, tenemos crab cakes?
[snaps his fingers]
Francine: I don't want any crab cakes.
Roger the Alien: Good, because there's no Miguel or crab cakes.

Francine: People are stressing me out and I can't smoke, so I'm gonna go sit on the dryer and think about Stamos.

Francine: Stan, you were supposed to give up yelling for New Year's.
Stan: But I love yelling! It feels good and it's good for you. That's why Sam Kinison lived so long.

Francine: Roger, what the hell did you do? Where's Meredith?
Roger: Francine, everything's fine now. I put her on a barge, and now I'm her.
Francine: A barge? You can't take someone's life like this!
Roger: Oh, Franny, we'd draw pictures with red oceans and green skies and be who we wanted! And then play in the sprinklers till Mama called us for supper.
Francine: Are you having a stroke right now? Forget it. I'm stopping this.
Roger: That's barge talk, Francine.
Francine: Roger, I am not going to sit here and
[Foghorn blares; Cut to Francine on a barge]
Francine: Son of a bitch! He barged me.

Francine: Something weird is going on, Stan. Hayley's become a totally different person. It's almost as if something's been done to her brain. Like her brain's been put through some sort of cleaning process. Like it's been scrubbed or rubbed vigorously with soap and water. Brain scoured? Mind polished?

Francine: Roger, I'm glad you're not straddling me anymore, but you're ruining your Build-A-Bear.
Roger the Alien: Hey, if he doesn't like it, he can say something. That's why I gave him three mouths. Well, that's not why.
[laughs]

Roger the Alien: Floor Spaghetti!
Francine: Floor Spaghetti?
Roger the Alien: [Floor Spaghetti] Floor Spaghetti.

Francine: Oh, Roger, we just love Qurchhhh.
Hayley: Uh, yeah, she's terrific. Plus, she hasn't seen The Wire and I love to turn people on to The Wire.

Roger the Alien: I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy
Francine: I just feel so sad for those poor actors

Roger the Alien: Stan, how could you say nothing special happened?
Stan: Because I just want to forget about it, okay? I was drunk, and I made a mistake, and we're never gonna talk about it again.
[Roger gasps]
Francine: What are you boys whispering about?
Stan: Different types of sandwiches!

Francine: [while watching everyone ascend] What's going on?
Father: It's the Rapture. Turns out there really IS a God.

Francine: Steve, I know I said violence was never the answer, but it has just become the answer. I'm gonna teach you how to kick your father's ass!
Steve: Good! That ass needs a pounding!
Francine: Yeah. That's what your father said last night.

Francine: I take the tour every day except for Sundays when the tour is free and the place gets a little
[whispers]
Francine: ethnic.

Francine: Thank you for seeing us, Principal Lewis. My husband is just a teeny bit concerned that Steve may not be ready for sex education.
Stanley: That's right. My wife didn't spend 36 hours squeezing Steve from her birth canal so you could shove his face right back in there!

Francine: [to Klaus] Stop talking, fish.

Stan: [When Stan ends up in court for beating up the meter maid] This is humiliating.
Francine: Relax, Stan. Nothing's gonna happen. Punching a meter maid. It's like punching a fat person. No one cares.

Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch.
[gives Steve the doormat]
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
[Barry's watch beeps]
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!

Francine: Roger,you're the most disgusting,out of shape piece of shit I've ever met,and I know Sammy Hagar.

Francine: Man, these hours are brutal. No wonder those doctors on "Scrubs" don't have time to be funny.

Francine: Check it out.
[goofy voice]
Francine: I'm Doctor Fart Face, and I need 10cc of diarrhea.

Francine: [while sleeping] Do whatever you want. Just don't get it in my hair.

Francine: I'm starting a new Christmas tradition.
Stan: What was wrong with our old traditions? Like letting homeless people smell our napkins after Christmas dinner?
Francine: On "The View", they said we could try the Dutch custom of putting presents in wooden clogs. Barbara Walters said it and she had an affair with a married black senator. So, you know, she doesn't drive in the slow lane.

Francine: This will have to do until I can fashion a shiv out of a chicken bone.

Francine: Hayley, your cold sore is leaking into the mashed potatoes.
Hayley: That's the last time I use a lipstick I found on the bus.
Francine: No one's buying that, honey.

Stanley: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell Francine? What is this really about? I mean I hate Susan Serandon but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just... cut my hair different for a while.
Francine: What is this about? Just look at that fuck with cucumbers on his eyes. Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stanley: Oh God! This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine: [stunned] Midlife crisis... wait, future senator?
[irate]
Francine: Oh I will fucking chop his head in two!
Stanley: Francine, don't you see. Sure, Clooney has no cares, no-one that depends on him, but... he HAS no one that DEPENDS on him! But you; you have a family. A son, a daughter...
Francine: ...and a husband, who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stanley: Of course! I assumed you did!
Francine: [both laugh hysterically] I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
Francine: [both turn and stare at Clooney] You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.

Francine: [Francine slaps Roger]
Roger: Roger: You... You struck me with a bass.

Stan: Did you know Greg and Terry have an illegal alien walking their dog?
Francine: Isn't it terrible? I'd be way too uncomfortable having some poor immigrant working for me like that.
Stan: Oh, are you done? I was hoping you'd talk more about yourself.

Francine: HonestIy, Stan, what does HayIey have to do with you getting a promotion? It shouId be enough you're good at your job.
Stanley: Yeah, it shouId, but we don't Iive in ShouIdIand. Ah, ShouIdIand, where cIean-cut kids cruise ShouIdIand BouIevard, and the ShouIdIand High team gets their asses kicked by their cross-town rivaI, ReaIity-Check Tech.

Francine: You quit your job!
Stan: Francine I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance.
Francine: You mean you haven't got the job yet!
Stan: Francine I'm going to be rich in adventure
Francine: Rich in adventure!
[Pretends to be on the phone]
Francine: Hello MasterCard do you take payment in the form of adventure, hello colleges I'd like to pay my son's tuition, I don't have any money but my husband is rich in adventure!
Stan: Well what'd they say.

Francine: Great Grizzly Adams! Who fired the gardener?

Francine: [to Hayley] Hey, Girl, what that?
Hayley: [nonchalant] It's my gym gun.

Francine: Yeah, I killed my college roommate. I can't believe you didn't know that. I stabbed her.

Akiko: [after Francine kidnaps Akiko and traps her in the basement] Let me out of here!
Francine: I'll let you out when Steve's a national champion. Here's a Nintendo to keep you busy.
Akiko: My mother says video games are bad for you.
Francine: Yeah, well, so is smoking an eight ball of crack in 30 minutes, but that's how long it takes.

Stan: [After he comes out from under the sink] No, no, Frank, you can stay in there
Francine: Hi Frank

Francine: Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.
Stan: Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food. Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna use their sandpapery toilet scrolls on my proud American button.

Francine: Chocolate chip pancakes and chardonnay. The Delta Burke breakfast it is!

Stan: I'm upstairs trying to do our taxes and Steve's abusing the hose.
Francine: Oh, that's embarrassing. Did you walk in on him?
Stan: What?
Francine: You caught him playing with himself?
Stan: Damn it, woman! You always jump to that.

[Francine is preparing a tray of lemonade for Stan's meeting of the National Gun Association in the living room]
Hayley: I can't believe you're feeding those extremists from the National Gun Association. They're monsters!
Francine: Oh sweetheart don't be so dramatic. Besides, aren't you having fun cooking with mommy?
Hayley: I'm not "cooking with mommy!" Dad handcuffed me to the oven!
Francine: [stern] Well, if it weren't for handcuffs and your father you wouldn't even be here, young lady.

Francine: The only good hairdresser in town is Mr Beauregard, and it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.
Klaus: But Francine, you do know somebody. You know Roger. Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
Roger the Alien: [gasps] Don't... cry... in front of the fish!

Francine: [Talking in her sleep] I don't care if you are Sean Connery, that's my jet-ski.

Roger: Isn't that James Patterson?
Francine: He's here to receive a special award. More of his books have been left on beaches than used condoms.

Francine: You're the richest guy in the world because you have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Stan: I'm the richest
[pretending to be on his cell phone]
Stan: Hello Bill Gates turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family , hello UNICEF
Francine: I get it.
Stan: I'd like to donate some of my immense riches, you mean children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you!

Francine: When you're family, you connect on a whole other level. You guys wouldn't understand.
Steve: We HAVE a family... THIS one!

Stan: If I had died in that crash today, who would remember me?
Francine: I would.
Stan: That's right. Nobody.

Francine: I'm *having* a *baby*.
Stan: No!
[Francine pepper sprays in Stan's eyes]
Stan: My eyes!
[Stan runs into the door]
Stan: My mouth!
[Stan runs back into the side table]
Stan: My back!
[Stan looks at a dead plant on the dresser]
Stan: My begonia!
[Stan accidentally turns on the radio, My Sharona plays]
Stan: "My Sharona"!
[Stan backs up into the television, accidentally turning on My Best Friend's Wedding]
Stan: My Best Friend's Wedding! Ah, my eyes again!

Francine: I knew this was a mistake. Hayley, get up!
Hayley: [slurring] I'm showing Dad I'm responsible.
[vomits]
Hayley: When did I eat vomit?

Francine: [to Steve on the phone] Steve, it's your mom. Frankly, I'm glad Roger got Principal Lewis fired. Your friendship with him was getting weird. I wanted to say something about it, but I was scared you might tell me that you two were lovers.

Francine: You'd better know what you're doing you dumb Irish Bastard!

Francine: We can't ride on the bus. We're wwhhiittee.

Francine: [while Francine fights with Stan, who is inside the avatar] I can't believe you'd do this, Stan! This stops now!
Stan: Get out of here, Francine. This is the only way I can remain close to Steve. We were finally spending quality time together and then he was gonna dump me for that nerd, and I just won't lose him again! Must get plowed by son.
Francine: No, Stan, this isn't the way! You might've missed his first 14 years, but you can still be there for his next 14.
Stan: He's gonna die at 28?
Francine: Maybe. Maybe sooner.

Francine: Hayley, I think we need to have a little mother-daughter talk.
Hayley: Okay.
Francine: Your husband's "condition" is way out of control. Bottom line, you need to start satisfying him more, sweetie.
Hayley: But, Mom, I satisfy him all the time.
Francine: Well, then you got to do it better. Get creative, Hayley. Use your pinky.
Hayley: I'm using my pinky, Mom.
Francine: I don't think you're using your pinky.
Hayley: I told you I'm using it.
Francine: But are you really using your pinky? I don't think so!
[brings out a tub of lube]
Francine: Get. Up. In. There.

[last lines of the episode, as Stan goes outside to look at the damage done by the hurricane]
Stan: [sighs] What a day.
Cleveland: [off-screen] Tell me about it.
[Stan turns to see Cleveland and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house as Cleveland walks up to Stan]
Cleveland: I don't even know where the hell I am.
Stan: [pulls out a gun] Looter!
Cleveland: [also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!
[Two guns are heard cocking and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]
Peter: A black and a white talking as if it's normal!
[We pull back to reveal the Griffin house next to the Brown and Smith houses as Peter walks up to Stan and Cleveland]
Cleveland: Peter, what are you doing? You know me!
Peter: Everybody shut up and let me think! Just let me think!
[Francine comes out the front door]
Francine: Stan, have you...
[Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]
Peter: [laughs] Oh, man. Classic "American Dad".

Francine: I have grandchildren? Oh, my God, I can't believe it! I thought my only chance was if Steve got raped by a confused lesbian.

Francine: Oh, you're worrying about a hill of bananas.
Stan: Am I? I don't think so.
[Then thinking for a moment]
Stan: By the way, "hill of bananas"? I like that. Is that a real expression?
Francine: No.
Stan: [Smiling and point at her] Good for you!
[She smiles back at him]

The: Um, we're kind of in a hurry here.
Francine: I'm not going back to that filthy decade without any Purrel!

Stan: Today made me realize. It's time for me to follow my true destiny.
Francine: Oh, no, not this again.
Stan: Yes, Francine. This again. My holiday cele-bear-tions! A different handmade bear for every holiday. Look at him. How cute is he? Go on. Tell him you don't love him.
Francine: He's cute, but I still have a problem with the name. Cele-bear-tion. It sounds like a cross between celibate and abortion.
Stan: I told you, Francine. I heard your note, I considered it and I don't agree.

Stanley: Francine, your roots are showing!
Francine: I know. My hairdresser lost his touch when he decided he was straight. Apparently, it is a choice.

Hayley: It's a little weird that this buffet has a VIP section, right?
Stan: You wanna hear something weird? The Goodyear Blimp is the official bird of Redondo Beach, California.
Francine: Oh, you guys wanna hear something really weird? Zerp Znap Za-noodle!

Francine: How humiliating. Hayley made me look like a total idiot.
Stan: Honey, you're not a total idiot. I mean, you got the point of the film, right?

John: She's twelve.
Francine: Yea, a hard twelve. Grass on the field, go shoot the President.

Stan: [after Tank leaves Greg and Terry's house after he learns that Terry is gay] He's fine. He's probably just wondering how two guys can do it. He'll calm down when I explain it's like cramming together two puzzle pieces that don't quite fit.
Terry: Shut up, Stan! You've done enough.
[he and Greg walk away]
Stan: [to Francine] They're fine.
Francine: I can't believe you!
[walks away]
Stan: She's fine.

Stan: I don't want another religion, I want my religion.
Francine: I know, honey, but the thing is, you already kind of screwed yourself there.

Stan: [to Francine as she's in jail] So have you traded bras with your cell mate yet?
Francine: What?
Stan: Like at summer camp.
Francine: You think girls trade bras at summer camp?
Stan: I would. I'd get rid of my ratty old beige bras and trade up for something lacy.

Francine: Oh, Hayley, stop! Your bitch-crying is going to be in the background of this entire video.

Francine: [If believing she ripped up the contract Stan signed to become a robot] The refrigerator manual
Stan: I'm still Stan

Francine: I may be bIonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.

Francine: Oh, my God! Our house!
Stan: Nothing to worry about. Just your average greasy Chinese duck fire.
Francine: Is everyone okay? Steve? Hayley? Roger?
Stan: Everyone's fine.
Francine: [sees Klaus] Oh, and... and Klaus. Is Klaus okay? He's the only one I really care about.
Klaus: [with angry despair] Too late, Francine. Too fucking late.

Francine: [to Stan] Honey, what's the matter? What is it? I'm pregnant, aren't I? That's it, isn't it? I'm pregnant! You told me I was on the pill!
Stan: No, you're not pregnant, thank God. I wouldn't want to bring a child into a world where I can't get any more trans fat.

Bartender: [to Francine] Hey, Mr Fishburne.
Francine: Yo, what up, G? Two fingers.
[to Stan]
Francine: Last time, he mistook me for Laurence Fishburne. I just never corrected him.
Stanley: What a mess! If they find out my son is pregnant, I'll Iose my deaconship and Chuck White wins again!
Francine: Stan, forget Chuck White. Your son is confused and scared, and he needs you.
[the bartender gives Francine a glass of whiskey]
Francine: I said two fingers, bitch!
[slaps the glass to the floor]

[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Stanley: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell Francine? What is this really about? I mean I hate Susan Serandon but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just... cut my hair different for a while.
Francine: What is this about? Just look at that **** with cucumbers on his eyes. Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stanley: Oh God! This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine: [stunned] Midlife crisis... wait, future senator?
[irate]
Francine: Oh I will ******* chop his head in two!
Stanley: Francine, don't you see. Sure, Clooney has no cares, no-one that depends on him, but... he HAS no one that DEPENDS on him! But you; you have a family. A son, a daughter...
Francine: ...and a husband, who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stanley: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh hysterically]
Francine: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn and stare at Clooney]
Francine: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.

Raina: As you can see, Mrs. Smith we are positioned directly across the street from Clooney's hotel.
Francine: Are they building a basketball court in his hotel room?
Raina: Clooney has it written into all of his movie contracts.
Francine: What do the Coen brothers see in him?
[Francine punches her fist through a glass window]

Francine: [to Stan] Look, I'm sorry that 30 years ago, you got some lousy advice about sex that screwed you up, but I cannot let you do the same thing to our son.
Stanley: I'm not screwing him up.
Steve: Yeah, Mom. I know my body is filthy.
Francine: No, it's not. Steve, urges are natural and it's healthy to explore them.
Stanley: Francine, no!
Francine: Because if you don't explore them, you'll repress them. Then one day, when you do discover them, you'll reject your wife, hurt your son and try to take down TV!

[Klaus is riding on a model train]
Francine: Klaus, you got the train to work.
Klaus: Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.
[everyone gasps]
Klaus: No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.

Francine: [to Stan] You have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self righteousness of Sean Penn and the embarrassing hypocrisy of Rush Linbar, you're almost as bad as Rachel Ray

Roger the Alien: P.S., everyone. There's a wedding. There's gonna be chafing dishes, a carving station and lots and lots of Jews.
Francine: I'm sorry, are you saying "juice"?
Roger the Alien: No, Jews.

Hayley: Oh, God, Mom. Were you ever cool?
Francine: Oh, yeah, Hayley? Well, I pity the fool who thinks I'm uncool. Get it? I was making a Dr. T reference.

Stan: [while listening to Paco and his family sing] My God, listen to them sing about America. They aren't parasites, they're people. Paco and his family feel lucky just to be in this country. All we do is take it for granted and they're willing to work in my basement for soda, soda that I watered down. It's not about having kiss-my-ass money. It's about being here in the greatest country in the world. That's the American dream, Francine.
Francine: Okay, but can I have just one to help me with the laundry? There's just so much laundry, Stan.

[Family is playing Scrabble]
Steve: Quivecs? That's not a word.
Roger the Alien: It is on my planet!
Francine: Is it a proper noun?
[beat]
Roger the Alien: Damn!
[rearranges letters]

Stan: [to Francine] So did you take the pregnancy test?
Francine: I did.
Stan: And? Am I going to be a father again?
Stan: Well, I didn't have a home pregnancy test, so I had to take one online. I'm waiting for the doctor to e-mail me back with the results.
Stan: How do you take a pregnancy test over the computer?
Francine: Well, per instruction, I first took several pictures of my genitals.
Stan: You what?
Francine: And then one of me peeing on a teddy bear and sent them to the doctor.
Stan: I-I don't think, uh, that that-that's that's real.
Francine: He's a legitimate doctor, Stan. See for yourself.
[shows Stan the website; the computer beeps]
Francine: That must be the result. Oh, God, here goes.
[reads her results]
Francine: Oh. Dr. Vadgers says my lab work requires more information. He needs to see my boobs popping out of a cheerleading outfit.
[Stan looks at her]
Francine: I know what you're thinking. What is the boob test going to tell him that the butthole test didn't? He's just being super careful.

Francine: Tulips? Where did you find this asshole?

Francine: Stan Smith... go to Heaven!

Francine: Hot Jazz In Your Face closed awhile ago. People stopped, coming.

Stan: Now, while I'm gone, I need you to manage my fantasy basketball team.
Francine: Can I make any trades?
Stan: No. Just set the lineup.
Francine: Stan, you need a power forward.
Stan: I have Dirk Nowitzki.
Francine: He's soft, Stan. You need a thug. You need Ron Artest.
Stan: I don't want Ron Artest. You know what, forget it. I'll have Steve set my lineup.
Francine: Fine. Let that nerd set your lineup. Watch you lose.

Francine: [to a police officer] Oh, come on. I live right there. Can't you just give me a break, pig-fucker?
Officer: That is not my name, ma'am.
[points to his name tag which says "Officer Figpucker"]
Francine: Oh! Oh, forgive me, Officer Figpucker.

Francine: [When Francine goes over to the CIA to find Stan] Stan, this is the last time you put work before Steve!
Avery: He's actually with Steve right now.
Francine: What? So Stan's at the dance?
Avery: No, he's here, but he's remotely controlling a teen girl at the dance who's about to get sex-pummeled by your son.
Francine: What?
Avery: It's a lot like "Avatar."
Francine: Like what?
Avery: Avatar. It's a movie?

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You can't keep two girls on lockdown. You already got Francine. If you want to let her go, then I'll back off Scarlett. Of course, then, I'll plow Francine.
Francine: I'd let him, too. Dan Andsome-Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.

Francine: L-O-V-E "Love". Because you love me so much you wanted to be alone with me all weekend. Your turn...... "Blurazzy"? That's not a word.
Stan: Then I pass.
Francine: But you have two blanks. You can spell "liar", "go", "take", "smokes", "to", "skank", "across", "the", "kale".
Stan: I pass! Well time to get more firewood.
Francine: You've gone for firewood every 10 minutes. Are you okay?

Francine: [in India] I prayed to an Elephant! How am I supposed to explain that to Jesus! Do you know what Superdiarrhea is, Stan?