Top 800 Quotes From Seth MacFarlane

Stanley: [singing] Acid, lava, and your crotch. These are things you must not touch!

Capt. Ed Mercer: If we are not willing to stand up for the values that this Union was founded on... what exactly are we defending?

Capt. Ed Mercer: So, um... what do Mochlans do for fun off-duty? Do you guys play, like, board games or anything like that?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: There is a popular Mochlan game called Latchkum that we play from time to time.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, well, break it out. Show me.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I do not believe you would enjoy it. It is not for humans.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Come on. You know what? There's so much I don't know about your culture. I-I want to... I want to learn.
Klyden: [a few moments later] I will pass the Latchkum to you, then you pass it to whomever you wish as quckly as possible.
Capt. Ed Mercer: All right.
[they take turns passing it back and forth]
Capt. Ed Mercer: So, what, does this just go on until somebody...
[a sharp spike protrudes from the Latchkum and impales his hand]
Capt. Ed Mercer: AHHH!
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus,32345: Latchkum!

Greg: So it's satirical home performance art? Not bad.

Ed: Alright, he's got a gun. We have something better.
Kelly: What?
Ed: Seatbelts.

Stan: [about how the house is decorated for Christmas] Seriously? I'd give you an "A" for effort, but this isn't U.C. Santa Cruz.
Steve: What did we do wrong?
Stan: Where do I start? Well, for one thing, the stockings. They're supposed to be hung with care in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there. The INXS guy hung himself with more care. And the nativity scene. The three Wise Men look like transvestites, but the mannish kind. Not the attractive Asian kind you're always hoping your friends will hire for your birthday party.

Francine: You're the richest guy in the world because you have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Stan: I'm the richest
[pretending to be on his cell phone]
Stan: Hello Bill Gates turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family , hello UNICEF
Francine: I get it.
Stan: I'd like to donate some of my immense riches, you mean children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you!

Alara: [explosion outside shuttle] Oh my god, they're under attack!
Kelly: Alara, those are testing zones.
Alara: What are you talking about?
Ed: Malcas's primary industry is weapons manufacturing, so they're a little fast and loose with their research and development.
John: They test explosives wherever the hell they want.
Gordon: [another explosion] Oh, frack!

Stan: Thank God we got rid of Jeff and that old hippie. The stench of pot and body odor was beginning to reach McConnaughey-vian proportions.

Steve: Hey, Roger, a missing remote. Looks like another case for...
Steve: [both] Wheels and the Legman!
Klaus: Enough!
Roger: What the hell's your problem?
Klaus: Every "Wheels and the Legman" is the same. You pick a boring case, you bicker, then you solve it. The solution usually being that Roger is the culprit.
Roger: It's true. I've got the remote right here.

Stan: [Talking about his camping trip with his dad and son] It was really fun, you should have been there, Francine. I mean, it was a father-son trip so if you had been there it would have ruined everything.

[Roger must play a burn victim in front of Steve's crush]
Roger the Alien: I even watched the latest Meg Ryan movie where she played that burn victim.
Steve: She never played a burn victim.
[Steve walks off]
Roger the Alien: Oh, Meg, honey...

Avery: I need a new team leader.
Jackson: Sir, I'm your man. I will not rest until the alien and all his accomplices are brought to just...
Stan: [to Bullock; pointing at Jackson] He told me he hates you.
Avery: What? Jackson, is this true?
Jackson: ...Yes.
Avery: Get out of my sight! Smith, how do you feel about me?
Stan: You're okay, I guess.
Avery: Good, then you're the man for this job.

Stan: I was passed over for the Chavez assassination... again!

Steve: [Roger bites off Stan's finger] Roger what'd you do that for! You already have the medal!
Roger: I don't know, they did it in the movie, I mean if we're gonna go for it, go for it

Mike: [to Gunter] Hey, Porky! Keep it down, will ya?
Gunter: Oh, sorry.

Stan: Nice girls don't kiss on the first date, Steve. Your mom wouldn't kiss me until our third date. It made the sex on the first two dates very impersonal.

Francine: [about Steve] That four-eyed bastard. That malnourished pasty geek. I knew I should have aborted him.
Stan: Goodness.

Stan: And by the way, father of the year here. This is how I wish I lost my virginity. Not to some coked-up airhead.
Steve: Didn't you lose your virginity to Mom?
Stan: Mm-hmm.

Johann: [after thrashing Hellboy] There we are. Your temper, it makes you sloppy. Try to control it, Agent Hellboy. Before it controls you.
[Johann "walks" away, singing in German]
Hellboy: Glass-hole.

Roger: All right, I got everything we need: chocolate milk, cheese puffs and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.

Roger the Alien: [on the phone] Watching the news?
Stan: How did you know?
Roger the Alien: Cause I'm right behind you
[Stan looks]
Roger the Alien: I'm just kidding, I'm at Indianapolis airport

Stanley: [to Steve] I look around me and I see it isn't so!
Steve: What?
Stanley: I mean, why'd you cheat?
Steve: I'm sorry. It's just... creative writing is hard, I can't do it.
Stanley: Can't? We don't live in Ameri-can't, Steve we live in Ameri-ca. No, no, no, wait, we live in Ameri-can. No, wait, that's not right. We are Ameri-can. W... where was I going with this?
Steve: Um, I said creative writing is hard...
Stanley: Oh, yeah, yeah. Perseverance, Steve. It's all about perseverance and if I Ameri-can't teach you about it, I have a friend who Ameri-will. Well, that sounded good. Had a bumpy start there, but I think I pulled it together.

Gordon: So, how many ships in the fleet these days?
Ed: About 3,000, spread over the whole quadrant. Which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually not...
[seeing Gordon taking a swig of something]
Ed: What is that? Is that a beer?
Gordon: Yeah.
Ed: You're drinking a beer?
Gordon: Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, want to make a good impression.
Ed: It's 9:15 in the morning.

Roger: [pretending to be a realtor] You must be the Hannigans. Maurice Barnes, All-Star Realty. You're gonna love this house.
[handing Mrs. Hannigan a leaflet]
Roger: Here you go. I'm also a singer-songwriter, I'm playing a gig at Sarah's Coffehouse next Thursday; plugging my new self-released CD, real soul-searching, heavy stuff. Buy the house, don't buy the house: you're comped eather way, don't let it influence your decision. My mother killed herself when I was 12, track four. One of the paramedics molested me on the way to the morgue, it's in the liner notes. Come in, come in come in! Now, I love these built-ins, you don't see these anymore.
[inside the house]
Roger: And these are walls! You know, when people say the walls are closing in on them? Well, this is what they're referring to. So, do we have a deal?

Roger the Alien: Poor Ned Beatty. He can he can play Rudy's dad all he wants, but when we look at him, all we see is him getting rammed in the woods.

Stan: [to Roger while drunk, wearing a bathrobe] Welco... welcome home, space lothario. You might have slept with Scarlett, but I'm wearing your robe. Ha!
Roger the Alien: Hey, that's my pooping robe. I can tell by all the poop on the edges.

Steve: You joined the police academy, Roger? Sounds pretty bad-ass.
Francine: Steve, language!
Roger: Shut the fuck up, Frannie. The boy's expressing himself.

Roger the Alien: [while on the phone with the police after Steve runs away from home] Officer, he's not in the house, he's not answering his phone. I'm his guardian. If anything happens to him, I'm responsible. Calm down? Calm down? Okay. He was exactly right. That was good advice.

Stan: You were all rubbernecking. See? I told you! All men do it. But that doesn't make us bad guys. It's like I said in my note, Francine. I may look at other women, but it doesn't mean I love you any less. My eyes may wander, but my heart always comes home.

Stan: [after taking away Hayley's concert tickets] Spider say burp!

Jeff: Hey, Mr. S., I'll go shooting with you guys, too.
Stan: [covers his eyes] Jeff, I am trying to have a bonding experience with my son. You are not my son. You are no part of this family and when I open my eyes, you better be gone, okay? I don't want to see a trace of you.
[opens his eyes and sees Jeff still in the room]

Stanley: Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait. It's a cheetah. CheetAH. CheetOS. There is so much beauty in the world.
[hugs bag of Cheetos.]

Roger the Alien: You're a bum, Qui-Lo! You think you can treat people like this because you've got everything going for you? Well, obviously you can because I'm fine with you and I'll be rooting for you in the bike race this Friday!

Stan: It's okay to be afraid. Fear is what keeps us alive.
Steve: But you're not afraid of anything.
Stan: Yes, I am. I'm afraid of losing you. That and people finding out I can't pronounce the word "dorktor's oyfoice".
Steve: Are you trying to say "doctor's office"?

Stan: Someone's true value is determined through the eyes of others. That's in Genesis. Their first album, I think.

Roger: You know what kid I wanted to kill? The youngest daughter in "Mrs. Doubtfire." Hated her face. By the time I could get a good shot at her, she had grown up and turned into nothing.

Lt. John LaMarr: I think we could create a stable quantum bubble inside the shuttle and preserve three dimensional space.
Dr. Claire Finn: So the outside would be squashed but the inside wouldn't.
Capt. Ed Mercer: More space inside then out. Like Dr. Who's phone booth.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Or Oscar the Grouch's can.
Lt. John LaMarr: Or Snoopy's dog house. Yeah.

Roger the Alien: Speaking of which, you know what I neglect sometimes? My own needs.
Roger the Alien: That's not a joke. It's something sad.

Stan: [Hayley is hospitalized after Stan set the house on fire] Hayley, when they told you to feel the burn, I think they were talking about exercise! I shouldn't joke about this, I did this.

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: So, Captain Lavesque, where are you from orginally?
Pria: Ah, I was born on Earth. Massachusetts, actually.
Capt. Ed Mercer: No kidding? I'm from Massachusetts.
Pria: Really? What part?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Little town called Boxford.
Pria: I'm from Andover!
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh my god, we were neighbors!
Pria: Did you ever go to the Salem Witch Museum as a kid?
Capt. Ed Mercer: My mother took me when I was ten. It scared the crap out of me.
Pria: That holographic recreation of the Giles Corey interrogation?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yes! Where they kept piling the rocks on top of him to get him to confess? And he was going: MORE WEIGHT!
Pria: MORE WEIGHT!

Roger the Alien: Francine, Courteney Cox played a chef on Friends. Your cooking is worse than her acting!

Roger: Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be? You gonna offer me 100 K or are you going to let Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch make you look like a punk in front of your hot wife?
Mrs. Hannigan: Well, are you?

Roger the Alien: What is this and how can I replace my Blood with it?

Hayley: So how was the big night?
Roger the Alien: It was... what's the word? Shmooblydong? Is that a word?

Steve: Dad, face it. I'm never gonna be popular like Vince Chung.
Stan: Don't say that! Don't ever say that! Don't you see, son? Everything's better when you're popular. Colors are brighter, jeans fit snugger. You know when you put a piece of Juicy Fruit in your mouth and for the first five seconds, it tastes so sweet and perfect like someone sprayed a little miracle on your tongue? Well, that's what being popular is like, but all the time.

Steve: [to Roger] I should've known you'd take it too far.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, you should've. You've known me for years, Steve.

Alara: Eggs?
Ed: That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs. Which I never knew.
John: Well, where does it come out of? The butt?
Ed: You know, John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.
John: How is that not the first thing you ask?

Roger: [to Stan] You're a liability! You know what your problem is? Pappa Wheelie doesn't have a backstory. All right, all you have is a prop. How did you end up on that unicycle? Are you a hipster? Are you a Frenchman? Were you raised by a Russian circus bear? You don't know! You just woke up one morning and saw a unicycle, you stupid hack. I don't know about you, but this case has put me in the mood for some cocaine.
Stan: I-I get that joke. 'Cause cocaine comes in keys, right?
Steve: The Legman doesn't joke about cocaine.
Roger: Cocaine is not a joking matter.

Roger the Alien: Oh, Staniel!

Capt. Ed Mercer: Hi, What's your name?
[His voice gentle and soft, as if in awe]
Anaya: Anaya.
Capt. Ed Mercer: That's a pretty name.
Anaya: What's yours?
Anaya: Ed.
Anaya: That's a funny name.
[She giggles and continues]
Anaya: You look funny.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Thanks.
[He smiles and laughs gently with her]
Capt. Ed Mercer: I get that a lot.

Francine: I have a new dream now. You wanna know what it is? You really wanna know?
Stanley: Eh.
Francine: My dream... is to destroy George Clooney. That arrogant, overrated, memo-writing bastard! He's not even an actor! He just does the same cheesy move every time. Looks down, then looks back up squinting underneath his eyebrows. And everybody's buying it! God, if I just had the chance. I know exactly how I'd bring him down. You see, Clooney's never fallen in love. It's always a fling here, a fling there. Well, I'd make him fall in love with *me*. And then I'd break his heart and watch him cry until his eyeballs bleed!
Stanley: Francine, I'm sorry, but that's the craziest most unsettling thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And we're totally gonna make it happen!

Roger's: [to Roger] So do you like music?
Roger: Do I like music? No, no, I'm the one person on Earth who doesn't like music.
Roger's: Why did you answer my ad online if you were just gonna ignore me?
Roger: My profile has four pictures of me staring out of a restaurant window through binoculars. You knew what this was.

Francine: You were right, Stan. I want to meet my real parents.
Stan: Don't worry, honey. I'll find them, no matter how long it takes. They'll be here at 6:00.

Stan: You look like that little slut from Tangled.

Francine: [to Stan] You followed Steve all day?
Stan: Yeah. I do stuff like that. Followed you last week. I don't know what you thought was in your butthole in the Target parking lot, but you were... you were really trying to find it.

Jeff: Cool, a new imaginary friend! I've got so much to tell you! Did you know Keyser Soze was Kevin Spacey?
Roger the Alien: I did. I've known that for about 15 years now.

Stan: You're right. I have a crack addiction and I've been stealing from all of you to support it. I took the TV and Francine's jewelry. Roger, I stole about eight of your wigs but those were just to wear while I was high. It's super fun to walk around high in a wig.

Stan: Our grandkids are gonna be half loser, I'm gonna hate them, I'm gonna tell them, I'll look them right in the eye and say Pop Pop hates you

Ted: So do you call it Arizona State University or just HPVU?

Stan: She's called Thundercat.

Roger: [to Steve] I asked if you wanted drugs, I said it in a weird voice so your Dad wouldn't hear but now he has, you blew it

Francine: Well I'm going to go enter my pie.
Stan: Like I did last night, huh?

Stan: Oh, I tell a great story and I'm a liar, but Harry Potter does it and he's your favorite writer.

Jeff: Three days till Christmas! Mr. S., I have to mail my letter to Santa. I'm asking for an authentic polar bear helmet from the movie "Golden Compass."
Stan: You're a golden dumbass!

Roger the Alien: [after he and Stan get kicked off My Morning Jacket's tour bus] You boner.

Isaac: Captain, it seems we have encountered a dictatorial theocracy.
Captain: Great, those are always fun.

Stan: So, uh, what do you think the CIA will do with the alien when you bring it in?
Shannon: Oh they're going to dissect him like a frog, like Kermit. That's probably my favorite frog.

Bullock: [to Stan] You'II get your promotion, just as soon as you do one Iast thing for me.
Stanley: I've picked up your Iaundry, I've poIished your shoes, I've done everything but bend over backwards, and my daughter did that. What eIse couId you possibIy want me to do?

Francine: Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.
Stan: Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food. Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna use their sandpapery toilet scrolls on my proud American button.

Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stanley: Smelly and ungrateful! But this American toast is delicious.

Stan: Who's the boob? Is that what you call me behind my back?
Francine: It's just a nickname, honey. It's like "fatty" or "baby penis."

Barry: Look, Mr. Smith, your stress zits are going away. Yay!
Stanley: Oh, God, I want to hit you!

Capt. Ed Mercer: You know what the worst days are, Olix? The days when you can't stay busy. No... Krill confrontations, no spatial anomalies, just nothing going on. And all your thoughts just march inward.
Olix: So, most days.
Lt. Alara Kitan: [approaching] Hey. You mind if I join you?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Alara. No, pull up a chair. I can use an extra liver.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Xelayans don't have livers.

[last lines of the episode, as Stan goes outside to look at the damage done by the hurricane]
Stan: [sighs] What a day.
Cleveland: [off-screen] Tell me about it.
[Stan turns to see Cleveland and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house as Cleveland walks up to Stan]
Cleveland: I don't even know where the hell I am.
Stan: [pulls out a gun] Looter!
Cleveland: [also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!
[Two guns are heard cocking and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]
Peter: A black and a white talking as if it's normal!
[We pull back to reveal the Griffin house next to the Brown and Smith houses as Peter walks up to Stan and Cleveland]
Cleveland: Peter, what are you doing? You know me!
Peter: Everybody shut up and let me think! Just let me think!
[Francine comes out the front door]
Francine: Stan, have you...
[Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]
Peter: [laughs] Oh, man. Classic "American Dad".

Dr. Claire Finn: You both saw it.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Saw it. Felt it. Almost got swallowed up by it.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Doctor, these things cannot possibly be real. Is there a chance we're dealing with some kind of... collective insanity? A... a brain virus of some sort? Could somebody have put peyote in the food synthesizers? Maybe we're all just really stoned.

Ed: So, what are you doing on a Union ship?
Isaac: Your fleet's admiralty offered a posting to any Kaylon willing to take it. As an effort to initiate relations between Kaylon and the Union, we accepted. I was chosen to represent my planet. I see it as an ideal opportunity to study human behavior.
Ed: Well, we'll, uh... we'll try not to bore you.

Roger: [laughs] Oh, my God! Stan has no friends! And he didn't even realize! He's like America, THE GUY!

Captain: So, it's an anti-banana ray
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson (Palicki,: It's really interesting
Captain: We need no longer fear the banana
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson (Palicki,: Does it work on all fruit?
Captain: What about salads?

Roger: [When Roger and Francine are practicing their dance routine and Francine accidentally drops Roger, causing him to fall on the floor] Oh, my God, you stupid bitch. Why did you drop me? I can't breathe. Why can't you do that move? You stupid bitch. I'll kill you.

Steve: I'm running away. It's the only way I can escape those psycho Rangers.
Roger the Alien: Oh! Oh, take me with you. Maybe my special power is keeping you from getting molested at the bus station. Maybe.

Roger the Alien: Pillow Fight!
[clocks the hooker, knocking her out]
Roger the Alien: Whoops, forgot I put some sodas in there...

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God! It's happening for me. I'm almost a star. Oh! There's my cell phone. Oh, my God! It's Johnny Depp.
[pretending to talk on the phone]
Roger the Alien: Deppster! What's shaking?
Klaus: That's not a cell phone. That's a bar of soap you painted black.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, hang on, J.D. Watch it, Klaus or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20,000 leagues up your butt.

Hayley: [to Stan] Come on, let Mom have some fun once in a while.
Stan: Why don't you ever take my side?
Hayley: Because your side is always wrong.
Stan: Your side is always wrong.

Roger: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Let's see how you like it on the floor!
[smashes the mirror]

Roger the Alien: Hawaii... that's where Japan goes to play golf.

Stan: [after furiously destroying things] Dammit! Hanging out with Jeff to never hang out with Jeff again? It's a gotdang catch-Jeffy-2!

Stan: [after Tank leaves Greg and Terry's house after he learns that Terry is gay] He's fine. He's probably just wondering how two guys can do it. He'll calm down when I explain it's like cramming together two puzzle pieces that don't quite fit.
Terry: Shut up, Stan! You've done enough.
[he and Greg walk away]
Stan: [to Francine] They're fine.
Francine: I can't believe you!
[walks away]
Stan: She's fine.

Roger: [singing to the tune of The Dreidel Song] Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I don't know how to play. Putzes, schmutzes, futzes all are Jewish words, Schwimmer, Sandler, Spielberg all are Jewish nerds. So why do you need Christmas when you have Hanukkah, Schmanta Claus is coming to girls named Monica.
[asking the crowd]
Roger: Monica on Friends was Jewish and I assume that's a Jewish name, right?

Stan: I am a rock. I am an island. I am incontinent. Get it? Sounds like "continent."

Stan: Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.

Stan: What are you mad at me for? I stopped Steve from shooting a deaf kid. I'm a hero.
Steve: Hero? Thanks to you, I missed a week at school and got addicted to hallucinogenic berries. That's right. They make me see colors and I'm keeping them.

Francine: Roger, I'm glad you're not straddling me anymore, but you're ruining your Build-A-Bear.
Roger the Alien: Hey, if he doesn't like it, he can say something. That's why I gave him three mouths. Well, that's not why.
[laughs]

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: This isn't gonna work.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You mean us.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: None of this should have happened. You defied an admiral's orders to protect me, and it sent our science officer into a 700-year exile. You and I, together... it jeopardizes your command. It jeopardizes the smooth operation of this ship, and it jeopardizes our friendship. It can't happen.
Capt. Ed Mercer: When I'm really honest with myself, I know that you're right. But that doesn't change the way I feel.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I know. But for now, those are feelings we need to forget.

Steve: [to Roger] You know what? You're nothing but a drug addict. Birds died because of you!
Roger the Alien: Oh, my God. Who cares?
Steve: Our partnership is over! I never want to see you again!
[walks off]
Roger the Alien: Then don't look in the night sky because I'm a star, and that's not the cocaine talking.
[to the women]
Roger the Alien: So, girls, tell me more about your childhood. Now that's the cocaine talking.

Francine: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
Stan: Well don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.

Roger the Alien: I'm Krispy Kreme McDonald's. My Krispy Kreme mama got raped by my McDonald's daddy.

Stan: Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?"
[laughs]
Stan: Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.
Steve: Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint? Yeah, I'd rather die

Francine: Stan, what's the matter?
Stan: What's the matter? You're not the homecoming queen. I'm not gonna be the cool guy dancing in the spotlight! I'm just gonna be the dork by the punch bowl slumming with the Duchess of Second Place.
Francine: You know what, Stan? If it's so darn... no. Damn! That's right. I went there. If it's so darn important for you to dance with the homecoming queen, why don't you just go with Betty Sue?

Capt. Ed Mercer: [Alara is trying to mediate between the Navarians and Bruidians] What's going on?
Lt. Alara Kitan: They went from zero to furious in two seconds.

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Ed, there are families down there.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I know.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: They's probably a lot single people, too.

Steve: [after Roger accidentally calls Steve "Scotty"] Scotty?
Roger the Alien: That's my new nickname for you. Your favorite "Star Trek" character.
Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

Stan: I'm a useless old man. I have no sense of temperature, I got a pocket full of wet hankies and all I want is 45 more seconds to speak at a town council meeting.

Capt. Ed Mercer: On behalf of the Planetary Union, welcome to the galaxy.

Hayley: If the whoIe CIA is at this carnivaI, who's out there undermining democracy?
Stanley: The FBI pulls a double shift.

Ed: All right, Commander, you win. We'll send you the device by remote shuttle. When you receive it, we'll transmit the activation code.
Krill: Do not take long.
Ed: We won't.
Gordon: [about Kelly] Maybe she's not such a bitch.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Hey, Bortus, pull up a chair.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I do not wish to imbibe, sir. I am here to request that we alter course.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Alter course? To where?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Moclus.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. This is... this is not another baby thing, is it?

Roger: Hello, Sharper Image? Yeah, give me three Sopranos pinball machines, the radio golf ball, a floating ant farm, a flashlight hammer to smash the ants with if they piss me off...

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Oh, my God! I'm gonna die and I still have two years left on my Apple Care.

Stan: Kids, you want to play "20 Questions" until we die? I'm thinking of a person.
Steve: Ronald Reagan?
Stan: Damn!

Roger the Alien: Oh, no, not my Frankenberry! Oh, Francine, be reasonable!
[he crashes through the table, sending breakfast items everywhere]
Roger the Alien: Oh, great. I've got a bear claw in my ass.

Roger: Roger's Spot wasn't always one of America's highest revenue generating casual dining experiences. It actually started out as a kind of place where you could trade your child support check for booze.

Stan: [Bullying his son onto the pavement] Give me your wallet.
Steve: Stop!
[Struggling with his dad while on the ground]
Steve: get off of me!
Stan: Yeah that's what your Mom said last night!

Roger: Make sure to check out our Stan Smith pan flute rainforest music. Each song sounds the same, yet somehow manages to be worse than the last.

Francine: Stan, I'm late for my period.
Stan: Maybe if you jump up and down... get things started.

Stanley: Look, honey, I'll make you a deal, you don't marry Jeff, and I won't bake you a roofie cake and tie your fallopians in a square knot.

Roger: [high] Why do you keep calling me Legs! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why we have a wheelchair, you Nazi walrus bastard!
Klaus: [As a hallucination] Steve, who's he talking to?
Roger: Shut up Garfield! Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work!

Roger the Alien: Chicken pot pie? Chicken pot bye!

Roger the Alien: It's not Silly Juice it's Necessary Juice!

Roger the Alien: [Steve has an electric guitar. Roger has an Octopus, an abacus and a hairdryer] Your thing looks more interesting
[throws his stuff away]

Klaus: I'll tell you something, though. You've just eaten all the potato salad Francine made for the Deacon's Wake! Ha ha ha!
Roger the Alien: And you didn't stop me? How could you do that?
Klaus: Yeah, still German...

Princess: [with the others in the meat-locker] To wage his war, my brother needs this.
[holding the crown piece and cylinder]
Princess: The final piece of the crown of BethMora and this map to the location of the Golden Army chamber.
Johann: The Golden Army. The harbingers of death, the unstoppable tide...
Hellboy: [under his breath] Howdy Doody.
Johann: Your Highness, if you hand the crown piece over to us...
Princess: No. Where it goes, I go. My father died to uphold the truce with your world. We must honor his noble intentions.
Abe: The lady is in dire danger.
Johann: I take is your are vouching for her, Agent Sapien?
Abe: Most emphatically, yes.
Johann: Even so... I am sorry, but we simply cannot assume such responsibility on our own.
Hellboy: [getting in Johann's face] Lady just lost her father, what more do you want?
Johann: You may not care, but there are procedures, rules, and little handbooks that...
Hellboy: She's coming with us. You got that, gasbag?
Johann: [offended] What-what did you call me?
Prince: [from behind the group] You! You will pay for what happened to my friend down there.
Hellboy: [turning to face him, sarcastically] Yeah, right. You take checks?
Prince: [enraged] Demon. Born from a womb of shadows, sent to destroy their world and you still believe you belong?
Hellboy: Are we going to talk all night? Because I'm really sleepy.

[Bortus is noisily chewing on something]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Bortus, what're you eating?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I apologize, Captain. Am I disturbing you?
Capt. Ed Mercer: No, I'm just curious.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: It is called gum. According to the ship's database, it was once used as an addiction recovery aid.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Is it helping?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: It is not.

Roger: [while outside the hospital's cancer ward, speaking through a megaphone] You're all going to die! Your parents and your doctors are lying to you!

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Oh my God, I took a hit out on myself. And I probably charged it to me. Still, miles.

Stan: Sweep low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe

Francine: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!
Stan: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
Hayley: It's just a nose ring.
Stan: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
Francine: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche

Capt. Ed Mercer: Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes 'I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.' My God! Thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me Permission to be in pain!

Capt. Ed Mercer: Or that. That works, too.

Roger: I'm tired of being weak! Help me!
Stan: I've been waiting to hear those words for a long time. I just prayed they would come from my son and not an alien in a sports bra.
Roger: It's a support tank. It's too small. It rode up my belly.

Stan: [When Stan ends up in court for beating up the meter maid] This is humiliating.
Francine: Relax, Stan. Nothing's gonna happen. Punching a meter maid. It's like punching a fat person. No one cares.

Roger the Alien: Hey, hey. Should I come out of the closet and then make a big stink when they won't let me take my 50-year-old boyfriend to the prom?

Heveena: [upon hearing Dolly Parton's "9 to 5"] Who is she?
Capt. Ed Mercer: That's... Dolly Parton.
Heveena: She speaks with the might of a hundred soldiers!
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah, I guess she does.
Heveena: This is the voice of our revolution!
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, you know, there's actually a whole bunch of...
Heveena: No! It is she!
Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay then. Go Dolly.

Roger: I'll be Ernest Shlumpel, Etan's long-lost great uncle. When the Nazis annexed Alsace-Lorraine in 1940, Ernest fled to Mykonos where he invented a kosher lubricant that tastes like whitefish salad...
Steve: You're playing a waiter.
Roger: But I've been developing my Alsace-Lorraine Mykonos accent.
Steve: You're not doing an accent.
Roger: [gets up close to Steve menacingly] Oh, yeah? You son of a bitch. You know I'm not a fighter.

Stan: [while Stan and Roger are wrestling] Use your legs! I can't!
Roger: I have really weak legs.
Stan: No, you don't. You have the opposite.
Roger: I know. Today's opposite day.
Stan: No, it's not!
Roger: That means it is.
Stan: I'm not playing!
Roger: That means you are.

Advocate: Captain Mercer, tell me about your penis.
Ed: Ah, did I miss a segue of some kind here?

Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh my God - you found a rectangle! Good lord, well, should I sound the red alert now?

Stan: [Stealing Steve's bike] Well I'm going to mount this and ride it Hard! Like I did your mom last night.

Stan: [to Betty Sue] Well, it's been fun. Hey, do me a solid. Keep me out of the suicide note, huh?

Roger the Alien: [after seeing Stan act] Somebody remind me to cancel my Ambien prescription.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Look, I know I'm not supposed to talk here. And I'm probably gonna get court-martialed, but somebody's gotta call out these assholes.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Gordon, don't.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Every time they cross a line, we let it go because we're scared to fight the Kaylon without them. And every time we compromise, they still act like they're the ones getting the shaft.
Admiral: That's enough, lieutenant!
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [to the Moclans] You treat people like garbage. And then when you get called on it, you bitch and you moan that we're not respecting your 'beliefs'. Well, SCREW YOU and your...
Capt. Ed Mercer: Gordon!
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Sorry.

Stan: [Hayley changes her mind about eating Becky] Hayley!
Hayley: This won't be a problem. I've eaten macrobiotic burritos, I can do this.

Stan: There's so much crime in the desert!

Stan: Ladies, ladies! You're both Mrs. Smith.
Francine: Stan, what the hell?
Stan: Surprise! I got us a second wife. You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her "Thundercat."

Stan: [to Johnny as he pulls out his gun] Bam!
[Johnny screams]

Ted: [Last lines] Hashtag. Shit happens.

Roger: My piece!

Stanley: You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?
Jackson: Yeah, yeah - you need a vagina.
Jeff: Yeah, vaginas are great. Wish I had one.

Hellboy: Hey, gasbag! Stop talking now!
Johann: Or what? Are you threatening me? Because I think I can take you.
[silence]
Hellboy: Excuse me?
Johann: You heard me.

Stan: I feel like Tara Reid on an average Tuesday!

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You bastard! You pushed me into this! I told you it would ruin our friendship, but you said, "No, let's go. Do it to me." So I gave myself to you.
Stan: Why the hell can't you just let this go?
Roger the Alien: Because you were my first!
[cries]
Stan: I had no idea.
Roger the Alien: I wanted a buddy, but now I never want to see you again.
[leaves Stan's car; Stan starts to drive away, but Roger comes back and opens the car door]
Roger the Alien: You were supposed to come after me!
[grabs his arm]
Stan: What? You crazy psycho bitch! Leave me alone!

Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Sir, you are aware that Mochlans urinate only once per year.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I am, yeah.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: It is... my time.
Olix: Well, you wanted something to do.

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God, look what's on Lifetime! Daphne Zuniga in "Spooning with Anger."
Steve: So?
Roger the Alien: So? That's our favorite spousal abuse movie of all time. We gave it even higher marks that Valerie Bertinelli's classic, "Please Kevin, Not in the Face."

Stan: If I had died in that crash today, who would remember me?
Francine: I would.
Stan: That's right. Nobody.

[first lines]
Captain: Come in.
Bortus: Good day, Captain.
Captain: Bortus, how are you ?
Bortus: I apologise for intruding upon your work.
Captain: No, no, it's fine.
Bortus: What is... that?
Captain: That is, ah, Kermit the Frog.
Bortus: I do not recognise the species.
Captain: It's... an amphibious lifeform, from Earth.
Bortus: Is it someone you know?
Captain: No no, he's just... a leader... I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people, He's... So! What can I do for you?

Ted: What the fuck!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?
Ted: There's so much porn!
John: What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?
Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!
Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counterclockwise Rimjob"?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"!
John: Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

Mike: I'm here to win. That prize, it's mine.

Stanley: [to Jeff] Let me get this straight. You ran away with my memory-erased mother to a pagan festival just to get my attention?
Jeff: Did it work?
Stanley: Did it ever!

Ted: So, listen, I got to ask. Was it just kissing last night? Or was there finger stuff?
[Samantha throws guitar at Ted]

Stan: [as he aims a shotgun at Hayley] Hayley, don't make me have to...
[Hayley takes the shotgun from him and aims it at him]
Stan: ... spare your life because you're a part of the family!

Steve: [to Roger about Henry hurting him] Oh, my God, your eye! Did he hit you?
Roger the Alien: It was my fault. I disobeyed Captain's orders and jeopardized the mission.
Steve: Stop making excuses for him! You sound just like Daphne Zuniga from that Lifetime movie and you remember what happened to her.
Roger the Alien: Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen to me.

Roger: [Roger Begins his second attempt at his sexual harrasment suit by keeping a box of donuts between his legs] Hey, you looking for something glazed and bad for you?

Roger: [while fleeing down the cliff and running into Francine] Oh, Hi Frannie. How was the barge?
Francine: Honestly? Pretty Great.

Frank: [Unrated version only] You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
Ted: I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.

Stan: If you'd like to learn more about torture, follow an immigrant into your local police station.

Stan: You mind if I come over and throw the ol' pigskin around with your dad before you tell him you're a turd burglar?

Roger the Alien: Hayley don't Preach/ I'm in trouble deep/ Hayley don't Preach/ I need booze to sleep/ but I've made up my mind...

Roger the Alien: [Roger is imitating Gollum] Masters wants to destroy it
Roger the Alien: [in his normal voice] You mean the medal?
Roger the Alien: [in his Gollum voice] We have to destroy masters
Roger the Alien: [in his normal voice] Say it, don't spray it and secondly I agree with you

Stan: [to Francine] So did you take the pregnancy test?
Francine: I did.
Stan: And? Am I going to be a father again?
Stan: Well, I didn't have a home pregnancy test, so I had to take one online. I'm waiting for the doctor to e-mail me back with the results.
Stan: How do you take a pregnancy test over the computer?
Francine: Well, per instruction, I first took several pictures of my genitals.
Stan: You what?
Francine: And then one of me peeing on a teddy bear and sent them to the doctor.
Stan: I-I don't think, uh, that that-that's that's real.
Francine: He's a legitimate doctor, Stan. See for yourself.
[shows Stan the website; the computer beeps]
Francine: That must be the result. Oh, God, here goes.
[reads her results]
Francine: Oh. Dr. Vadgers says my lab work requires more information. He needs to see my boobs popping out of a cheerleading outfit.
[Stan looks at her]
Francine: I know what you're thinking. What is the boob test going to tell him that the butthole test didn't? He's just being super careful.

Stanley: [seeing crowd of nerds at a sci-fi convention] Good God! Who's manning the internet?

Roger the Alien: [to Farmer Ted] Here's my home number, my cell and the women's shelter where I'm either volunteering or dropping off my stupid whore wife. Soup is not a meal, Vera!

Steve: [to Stan] Damn your experimental steroids!
Stan: It's okay, son. You're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called "roid rage."
Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right.
[opens up his bathrobe to reveal he has breasts]
Steve: I have boobs!
Stan: Oh, my God!
Klaus: I know. Talk about a butterface.

God: [playing with toy dinosaurs] These things rule. Why did I ever send them to Mars?

Stan: [entering Steve's room full of communist memorabilia] Oh my God!
[picks up a framed picture]
Stan: It's Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon!

Stan: This awesome man is Jack Smith, my real father!
Francine: Say WHAAAAT?

[repeated line]
Captain: Alara, you want to open this jar of pickles for me?

Francine: What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years?
Stan: The manliest man, he'll do you right, seriously? you should be having sex with him, I don't think he's asleep, I can get him for you

Roger the Alien: That punch. That punch right there. That's the punch where everything went black and I was finally able to achieve orgasm.

Roger the Alien: 3:43. Just peed myself... asparagus.

Admiral: Ed, calm down and be professional about this.
Ed: Oh, please, there is nothing at all professional about this situation. Okay, this is my ex-wife, who I have not seen since my divorce a year ago after I walked in on her banging a Retepsian.
Admiral: I know this isn't ideal, but she's the only qualified XO available. And the staff profile compatibility program indicated your skill sets complement hers.
Ed: Oh, it did? See if your compatibility program can get blue out of a white lampshade.

the Mexican: We are so pleased you have chosen to purchase your own restaurant in the Señor Toad's family. Ribbit! It's like "olè". Anyways, here is your official Señor Toad sombrero and your complimentary fire extinguisher that shoots tequila.
Roger: Is this heaven?
the Mexican: No. It's Mexico.
Roger: That makes sense, 'cause it smells like Mexico.

Stan: [Waking up in the hospital] Is it the future? Did we make it to Mars? Are Legos affordable again?

Roger the Alien: [excited about Stan's fancy new drink] Oh my god, what is this and how can I replace my blood with it?

[on the roof, speaking through a megaphone]
Stan: Until you give the exact details of your next attack, I'm depriving you of sleep.
Linda: It's two in the afternoon.
Stan: No sleep! That's right. Starting to get uncomfortable, isn't it? Sure would be nice to feel the gentle embrace of the sandman's spell as he warbles his sweet... lilting... lullaby...
[snores, falls off roof]

Stan: Old people just get in the way. Their lives are worthless. Young people like me do things. I work. I contribute. I'm gonna climb Mount Kilimanjaro one day. The only thing this geezer's gonna climb into is a lukewarm bath his Filipino nurse drew for him. He'll yell at her for making it too hot, but she knows it's just right. She'll never win with this guy. She'll just cool it off and then he'll yell at her for making it too cold. Thank God she has her herb garden to keep her sane.

Roger the Alien: [while dressed up as a doctor] You know, the thing about working in a hospital is if you don't have a funny black friend, things get pretty boring.
Turk: Vanilla Bear! Let's go grab a beer and see what Carla and the mean janitor are doing.
Roger the Alien: Aah! Take whatever you want!

[Stan lectures Steve on what to do if he is compromised, which will result in Stan bombing his location]
Stan: C'mon, sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy, or that little girl from "Poltergeist." She must be at least 16 by now, you could totally hit that!

Stan: Where's Steve? Caught in Debbie's gravitational pull?

Donald: [Sutherland saying to a lady in a restaurant] You know, you should get involved in politics. Let's talk about it over drinks. Maybe at my place?
Stan: [Stan listening in to Sutherland's conversation] Let's talk about it over your brains. Maybe all over the place?

[Ed and Kelly are reading a 21st Century edition of USA Today]
Capt. Ed Mercer: God. They were on the verge of a major climate disaster, and there's a whole page about teeth whitening.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: It's a miracle the human race survived.

Stan: [to Lorraine] Oh, hey. How's your ankle?
Lorraine: Not good. Doctor says I got to lose 55 pounds. I said, "Well, I'm losing you. That's 200 pounds right there."

Roger the Alien: Inserting laxative into hot dog "A." Inserting hot dog "B" into my "A."

Roger: [to Steve] You think this fake detective agency with real cases in a pretend office in your father's garage is a joke?

Roger the Alien: Stan, you skipped the milestones of youth. That's why you can't get out of here. Your inner child is putting his foot down.
Stan: I don't know. That sounds like mumbo jumbo.
Roger the Alien: It is. Dr. Mumbo Jumbo was my mentor at the People's Hospital in Cameroon.

Hayley: Roger, your lecture today was just ideological nonsense.
Roger the Alien: Oh, really? You've just earned yourself a week of detention!
Hayley: There's no detention in college.
Roger the Alien: Oh, right. Well, then I'm taking 50 points from Gryffindor!

Tanqueray: [while doing a dance for Stan] Oh, God! Leg cramp!
Stan: Are you all right?
Tanqueray: I'm still sexy! I'm still sexy for you, baby!
Stan: Cramp, huh? You need to get a banana in you.
Tanqueray: Uh, I don't do that, sir.
Stan: No, you need to eat a banana. You have a potassium deficiency.

Francine: I'm starting a new Christmas tradition.
Stan: What was wrong with our old traditions? Like letting homeless people smell our napkins after Christmas dinner?
Francine: On "The View", they said we could try the Dutch custom of putting presents in wooden clogs. Barbara Walters said it and she had an affair with a married black senator. So, you know, she doesn't drive in the slow lane.

Roger the Alien: My name is Braff Zacklin. I was an international racecar driver. One day, a baby carriage rolled out onto the track so I swerved into the retaining wall to avoid it. The car burst into flames, but the baby miraculously survived. I was that baby.
Steve: That doesn't make any sense.
Roger the Alien: I'm Braff Zacklin!

Admiral: Now, the Orville has a nearly-full crew complement. Her previous captain retired this month. But she's still short a helmsman and a first officer. We're waiting for an XO to become available.
Ed: Well, you know, I can get you the best helmsman in the fleet.
Admiral: You mean... Lieutenant Malloy. I'm aware you two are friends.
Ed: Look, I... I know Gordon has his issues, but we all know there's nobody who can drive a starship like him.
Admiral: Didn't he once draw a penis on the main viewing screen of outpost T85?
Ed: He's drawn a lot of penises on a lot of things, but, Admiral, if you were caught in an ion storm, who would you want at the helm?

Stan: [after Stan learns he might not be Hayley's father; while hugging Francine] You big whore. I don't know why I'm holding you like this. It must be very confusing.

Roger: [after escaping from a burning barn] You know what I meant to ask you? How did we get out of there?
Stanley: I think we did some sweet maneuvers from that movie Backdraft.
Roger: I never saw Backdraft.
Stanley: Me either.

Darulio: Look, Ed... can I call you Ed? I... we've never actually met.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, you were screwing my wife at the time, so I guess we all kind of just forgot our manners.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Oh, for god's sakes, don't make this worse.

Samantha: Ted, do you love your wife?
Shep: Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.
Samantha: I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
Ted: I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.

Roger: [after dressing up as a woman in revealing clothing in an attempt to win a sexual harrsament settlement] Huh, Probably Shouldn't have farted before I started that walk.

Samantha: [almost hits 3 Star Wars fans who were on their way to Comic-Con with her car]
Obi: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Stormtrooper: Whoa! Whoa!
Samantha: Jesus! Watch where you're going!
Stormtrooper: It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right way!
John: Yeah.
Ted: Whoa!
John: Whoa! Hey, what the hell you doing walking around, dressed like Star Wars?
Obi: It's Comic-Con you idiot. We're going to the Javits Center.
John: Well you're the idiots, because you three guys would never be walking together!
Ted: Yeah, you're HIS boss, and you two guys are enemies!
Samantha: Yeah, bite me Captain Kirk!
John: Hey hey, whoa now come on, no, that's Star Trek!
Ted: No, that's two different franchises
John: Yeah, sorry guys, she doesn't know.
Stormtrooper: Nah, it's okay. Sorry you have to deal with that. Let's go.
[Star Wars fans continue their walk to Comic-Con but then the guy in the Darth Vader outfit tries to use the force on them]
Obi: No, hey come on, it's not worth it man. It's not worth it.

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Admiral, what do you want us to do?
Admiral: You're to rendezvous with the Krill vessel Davoro'kos in 12 hours at Tarazed Three.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: The Davoro'kos.
Admiral: Yes. It means "Bringer of Blood".
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, that's cool.

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Oh, my god. I forgot what a terrible cook you are.
Capt. Ed Mercer: It's awful, isn't it?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [laughing] Yeah.
Capt. Ed Mercer: It's terrible. See, you know, I was afraid of that, and I didn't want to use snythesized food tonight, so I made a backup.
[retrieving two plates]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Peanut butter and jelly is impossible to screw up.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: What are we, twelve?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yes, we're twelve. And afterward, I'm gonna pull your hair and call you fat, and that's how you'll know I like you.

Roger: While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy jay.

Steve: Is it weird that I have a boner?
Stan: It'd be weird if you didn't!

Roger the Alien: As a shut-in, I only have two pleasures: trash TV and booze. Oh, and Shrinky Dinks. You put 'em in the oven, it's like baking art.

Stan: [Threatening Steve] Don't say a fuckin' word...

Roger: Stan, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to go downtown and buy crack? You could have bought from me right here in the house.
Francine: Roger, you're not being helpful.
Roger: Did you really expect me to be?

Roger the Alien: [while drunk] Christianity. My favorite deadbeat dad story. Check it: God fathers this kid, then disappears and then when the kid becomes famous, God wants to come live with Him. Exact same thing happened to Shaq. He did a rap about it called "My Biological Didn't Bother".

Joy: Look at that! You see them two white niggers over there?
Ted: Yeah, what?
Joy: Look at them! They so happy, because they got that little baby keeping them together. If they didn't have that baby, they'd just be two sad-ass white niggers waiting for Downton Abbey to come on.

Gordon: I've never been to the Epsilon Science Station. What's it like?
Bortus: Epsilon 2 is an outpost devoted exclusively to scientific inquiry.
Ed: Researchers from all over the galaxy petition to work there.
Gordon: Really? Wow. Any good bars?
Bortus: I will investigate.
Ed: No, Bortus, you don't have to investigate that.
Bortus: I have already obtained the information.
Ed: Oh.
Bortus: Shall I withhold it?
Ed: No, you can tell us.
Bortus: There are no bars.
Gordon: How about strip clubs?
Ed: Gordon.
Gordon: Sorry.
Bortus: There are no strip clubs.

Captain: No matter how much in love they are, for whatever reason it just doesn't work out. Sometimes one of them looses perspective on the relationship, and sometimes the other one has sex with a blue alien. Humans are very flawed animals that way.

Stan: Hayley, I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!

Roger the Alien: [jail guard blowing whistle] Look out! He's calling the Von Trapp children
[dogs barking]
Roger the Alien: Oh, that makes more sense. Run!

Stan: I hope this is the year I get to ride Tequila Joe!
Jeff: But Mr. S, no one has ever ridden Tequila Joe. He's untamable!
Stan: Jeff, why is it that you only ever open your mouth to shit on my dreams? Go inside. You're not coming to the dude ranch.
Jeff: Babe?
Hayley: Maybe next time no talking 'till we get there.

Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
Stan: You made all this in one day?
Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Ted: [to Patrick Meighan] I think I wanna sleep on a bed made of your voice.

Capt. Ed Mercer: We were just on our way to get our chin-horns waxed.

Francine: [to Stan] Honey, what's the matter? What is it? I'm pregnant, aren't I? That's it, isn't it? I'm pregnant! You told me I was on the pill!
Stan: No, you're not pregnant, thank God. I wouldn't want to bring a child into a world where I can't get any more trans fat.

Stan: We're too late.
[sinks to his knees]
Principal: *I'm* right on time!
[cuts off Greg's remaining leg]
Greg: Aaah! You Big Black Bitch!

Stan: I've never slept with anyone except you. But you... you have a sex garden that was on the cover of Sex Garden magazine.
Francine: Oh, is that what this is about? My past? Stan, that was just sex. Sex without love is meaningless.
Stan: Francine, I'm listening to you talk, I'm looking in your eyes, but all I can see is you taking more poundings than Omaha Beach before the ground assault began.

Roger the Alien: I'm out of here.
Mr. Rothberg: Whoa, the wedding's about to start.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, look, I lied. I'm not an orthodonist.
Mr. Rothberg: That's okay. You can work for my greeting card company.
Roger the Alien: I'm also not Jewish.
Mr. Rothberg: You'll convert.
Roger the Alien: I'm not even human.
Mr. Rothberg: Who is?
Roger the Alien: Oh, you're strong.

Roger the Alien: So, were you serious about trading places?
Stan: Hey, you want to start a job, pay the bills, deal with everyone's problems? Be my guest. When it all gets too much for you, I'll be getting drunk up in the attic.

Vic the Strip Club Owner: [When Stan auditions to be a male stripper] Yeah! You're a natural! Now rip my pants off! Do it!
[Stan rips his pants off]
Vic the Strip Club Owner: Now kiss me!
Stan: What?
Vic the Strip Club Owner: I said, get out there!
[Stan leaves]
Vic the Strip Club Owner: Protect yourself, Victor. You can't take another heartbreak right now.

Stan: [to Steve] This is all your fault. I'm supposed to be with my friends on the houseboat.
Steve: You don't have to keep picking me up from PSAT class.
Stan: No, I don't? What do I have to do, master? What a dick.

Francine: We're grandparents!
Stan: Steve was raped by a confused lesbian?

Steve: [to Roger] Do you know what time it is?
Roger the Alien: Nope. We were having sex in the park and I totally lost track. I must have been making weird noises 'cause a bunch of cats wouldn't leave us alone. Had to throw a couple cats.
Steve: Roger, you have to stop this.
Roger the Alien: I see. I know what's really going on here. You can't stand the fact that Snot's cool now and you're no longer king of the nerds.
Steve: That's ridiculous! I mean sure there's been an established hierarchy, but...
[looks at the object that Roger has]
Steve: What wh-what is that?
Roger the Alien: Oh, this? My stress ball.
Steve: But there's a crack in it.
Roger the Alien: Uh-huh.
Steve: Oh, my God, that's how you and Snot have been...
Roger the Alien: Relieving stress. Because this is a stress ball. And trust me, Snot's been relieving a lot of stress into this thing.

Roger the Alien: I got the Egg Madness, y'all!

Stan: [Roger tries to talk to the president. Stan slams a door in his face so he falls down] Uuh, that's our maid.
George W. Bush: Oh, fun! I love Mexicans! Some say they're essential to our economy. Others say they're a drain on our resources. All I know is, burritos are delicious!

Steve: Don't you have any feelings?
Stanley: Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.

Stan: [to Francine] If she's having sex at any time, the dot will turn purple, I paid extra for that option, I can explode her breasts

Capt. Ed Mercer: [Reading Kelly and Alara the riot act] You're supposed to be setting an example and here you are ransacking a room? What, did you read her diary, too?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No, we couldn't find it.

Ed: All right, Commander. You have it.
Krill: Excellent. Now, give me the activation code.
Ed: The code is six, alpha, nine, three, seven, alpha, three, zero, zero. Happy Arbor Day.
[when the device is activated, the Krill ship is destroyed by a growing redwood]
Gordon: Wait. What's Arbor Day?
Ed: It's the holiday where you plant the trees.
John: I wouldn't have gotten that.
Gordon: Oh, yeah. No, I didn't get that, either.

Ed: I want eggs now.

Roger the Alien: Those sound like horse names, but they're people.

Capt. Ed Mercer: And then Isaac cut the guy's leg off, so... mistakes on all sides, I think.

Stan: Francine, run!
Roger the Alien: Oh, can't a brother get a "Run, Roger"? Damn! Gotta be all self-runnin' and whatnot!

[repeated line]
Stan: OOH!

Quacky: [to Stan] You are, without a doubt, the cruelest most disgusting excuse for a human being I have ever met!
Stan: Look, Quacky, you and me? Not gonna happen, okay? I'm like candy to these people.

Stan: You know who else was a cockroach? Theo Huxtable's best friend.

[repeated line]
Roger: Francine, I haven't been entirely truthful with you

Stan: You're too old to be playing with toys!
Steve: What? You're never too old to play! Using your imagination's a healthy way to escape reality for a spell.
Stan: No, that's what drugs and alcohol are for.

Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What?
Ted: I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!

Stanley: [to Hayley] What the heII do you think you're doing?
Hayley: Avery caIIed to apoIogise for what he said. We met for coffee and, weII, I know it's crazy, but I Iike him. He chaIIenges me, and he has a huge...
Stanley: Penis! I mean, HayIey. Damn, I was trying to cut you off before...
Hayley: I was gonna say ''heart'', but, weII, you shined his shoes.

Stan: We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.
Jesus: What if we journey through Sector 16?
Stan: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
Jesus: Fine. What about Sector 35?
Stan: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Stan: [about Scott] He doesn't look so tough.
Michelle: Actually, up here, you get smaller and cuter every time you win a case.
Stan: Oh, my God! I'm screwed! Look at him! He's cuter than a puppy and a kitten trying to climb into the same slipper!

Hellboy: Eh, Mr. Kraut, sir?
Johann: Krauss, agent. There's a double s.
Hellboy: SS. Right, right.

Isaac: [after they Kaylon have shown up] Those are my wedding guest.
Capt. Ed Mercer,19548: What?
[at the same time]
Capt. Ed Mercer,19548: Isaac!
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Did you invite the whole planet?
Isaac: Affirmative.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [In an annoyed tone] Dr. Finn, please report to the bridge. Talla, please alert Union Central so nobody scans the region and panics.
Lt. Cmdr. Talla Keyali: Aye, Sir.

Ted: Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.
John: We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.
Ted: We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...
[Samantha takes a hit from bong]
Ted: Just take a seat and get to work.
John: Trust you completely.
Ted: We really feel you got a lot to offer.
Samantha: Sorry you don't mind the pot, do you? I get migraines.
John: Oh, absolutely. Me too.
Ted: That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.

Stan: You know, son, the great thing about First Love is that it's the first of many.
Steve: But how will I forget my feelings for Akiva?
Stan: Well you see son, as time goes by you'll find - Amy! Amy, why won't you love me! Bwah-ha-ha! I don't wanna live!

Gay: Women don't ask for much, do they?
Stan: No, just don't pee in the shower on her birthday, and you're good to go.

Stan: [on the phone to Director Bullock] I have something you're gonna wanna see, no it's not nude photos of Talia Shire, I'm not asking you to guess, no I'm not getting you a belt, you can wait, sir stop it

Stan: [to Bullock] Sir, you killed your date? What in the name of Phil Spector happened?

Hayley: Roger, you had no right coming to that class and sketching me.
Roger the Alien: The subject telling the artist what he can and can't do? That's like a soup can telling Warhol where to buy speed.

Steve: Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?
Stan: [wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Steve: Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illumi-nutty?
Stan: Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!

Hayley: I am a proud and evolved woman and I have nothing to be ashamed of.
[takes off her robe and poses]
Roger the Alien: Nice.
[waves at Hayley. Hayley gasps and covers herself]
Roger the Alien: Madam, please uncover yourself. Does anyone have any areola pink? I only have one tube.

Capt. Ed Mercer: As soon as the surge is initiated, meet met at the rendezvous point. Mercer out.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [taking a few steps] Malloy to Mercer.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Mercer here. What is it, Gordon?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Sorry. What's the rendezvous point again?
Capt. Ed Mercer: For god's sake, the bridge, Gordon. We meet on the bridge.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh, right, yeah. Got it. Sorry. Brain fart.

Stan: A world without children. Future generations will thank us!

Stan: [Speaking to Steve] Now son, these Mexican callgirls have seen thousands of men. So when they tell you you're the best they've ever had, it's quite a compliment.

Stan: [simultaneously demonstrating with a rifle] Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.

Roger the Alien: [to Jewel] l... It's not you. It's the timing, you know? I just got out of a bad relationship.
Jewel: You're lying. I'm a loser.
Roger the Alien: Don't be like that. You're not a loser. Think how pretty you make people look by contrast. That's a gift.

Roger the Alien: [In front of Storage Unit] BEHOLD, my fortress of solitude.
Stan: [whistle] Impressive.
Fat: Afternoon, Sotineers. Strawberry Coors, it something I invented, I take a regular Coors and I drink it through a twizzler, you see.
Stan: I really Like your roommate.
[Roger opens his storage slightly and rolls through opening]
Stan: Nice touch, with the rolling. Don't want open the door too wide, and let disability check Dan there, See your...
[in awed my Roger's slightly damaged spacecraft]
Stan: fortress of solitude. Oh, good lord, it's real.
Roger the Alien: You know Stan, it's too bad. I actually liked Francine, the rest of them can suck it, but Francine I hate to see die.
[climbs into his ship]
Stan: [Nervously] Roger, we... we joke a lot, me and you. But you know, that deep, deep in my heart, I've always loved...
Roger the Alien: TOO LATE STAN! YOU'VE SEALED YOUR FATE AND NOW...
[Roge press a button, and nothing happens]
Roger the Alien: Something's wrong. What the? Why isn't this
[Roger frequently press a lot of random button]
Stan: [discovers a note taped behind the craft's review mirror and then read it out loud] "Dear human who discover, this wreck please disregard it. We crash this ship into your planet to test new safety features, because we care about our customers. The alien inside, is merely a crash test dummy who most likely died within impact."
Roger the Alien: Crash test dummy? But they told me...
Stan: AH HA HA, the decider, that is classic I am loving this,
[laughs hysterically]
Roger the Alien: No, no this can't be.
Fat: Excuse me, gentlemen. If I just found out I am the Lindbergh baby, whom do I tell?

Roger: Oh, Cagney & Lacey! You were so much more than thick ankles and carefuI police work.

Capt. Ed Mercer: I am going to go now and bang my head against a wall.

Roger the Alien: You know what grenadine turns cold cola into? Roy Rogers! You know what grenadine turns warm cola into? You tell ME when I throw it in your face!

Roger the Alien: [to Klaus] I hate you, I'm not saying that out of anger, it's a fact, it's 67 degrees out and I hate you

Capt. Ed Mercer: So basically all this guy's done is steal some pens from the office. What are we missing?

Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Captain, there's a large central structure just to the north of here.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Let's go.
[cut to them entering the building, where they find a large statue of Kelly]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, yeah, we're in a lot of trouble.

Roger the Alien: In the words of sit-coms in the early '90s and the Midwest through out the '90s, "don't go there."

Roger: I will not be a loser, I will stay on this phone as long as it takes. Steve, go get the diaper I sleep in after Indian food.

[Roger enters wearing a festive sweater]
Roger: Merry, merry everyone!
Hayley: Wow, great sweater, Roger.
Roger: [drunkenly] Thanks, I totally sniped it from a guy on eBay. I not only stole the sweater, I stole his holiday spirit and that made my holiday spirit grow stronger. Because, that's how it works, right? Like "Highlander"? There can be only one?

Francine: The only good hairdresser in town is Mr Beauregard, and it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.
Klaus: But Francine, you do know somebody. You know Roger. Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
Roger the Alien: [gasps] Don't... cry... in front of the fish!

Capt. Ed Mercer: I had to get some air.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: We're in space.

Stanley: I'm this cIose to a promotion and our darIing Squeaky Fromme decides to assassinate my career.

Stan: [Waking up in an empty bed] Merry Christmas Francine.
[shouting]
Stan: Honey, where's my morning BJ? I have to get my own breakfast juice? Some Christmas.

Stan: Work is where I come to socialize. Having Francine will ruin that. How would you like it if your wife worked here?
Avery: Oh, I'd love it. Is there an opening for a woman who bangs every black man she meets in a Red Lobster parking lot?

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [during a battle with the Krill] Somebody put that out!
Capt. Ed Mercer: What happened to automatic fire suppression?
Lt. Alara Kitan: That's the panel that caught fire.

Roger the Alien: P.S., everyone. There's a wedding. There's gonna be chafing dishes, a carving station and lots and lots of Jews.
Francine: I'm sorry, are you saying "juice"?
Roger the Alien: No, Jews.

Stan: [Stan and Roger open the bedroom door and find Steve laying on the bed reading while a line of guys take turns feeling his breast] Oh my god! My son's a slut!
Roger the Alien: Oh my god! I just made that bed!

Stan: Francine, if your cooking gets any better, I'm gonna have to get a stomach staple, then bust it out Roker-style. Poor Roker. He will always be fat.

Stanley: Hillary, look out for the mine!
[Explosion]
Stanley: What did I say? You heard me, what did I say?
Steve: You said look out for the mine.
Stanley: I said look out for the mine.

Capt. Ed Mercer: [listening to "As Time Goes By" on an old-school record player] How long you had that thing?
Olix: I had the computer replicate it last week. I'm trying to warm the place up a little bit, you know? Get a... nice vibe going.
Capt. Ed Mercer: The "late-night jazz, depressed guy at the bar" vibe? I can help you with that.

Football: Stan, I thought the CIA was done with me! I still have the headaches and the nightmares! What happened in Munich? Who did I kill?
Stan: No, I'm not here about that. It's my kid's birthday!

Roger the Alien: Myeeeah!

Stan: [Looking at the fake ID] If these got into the wrong hands, they could be a huge threat to national security.
Avery: That's what I was trying to tell her father before he fell on all those bullets coming out of my gun.

Kid: [Stan's mind is in the body of a racehorse] Hey, can I pet your horse?
Roger the Alien: Sure.
[Kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes]
Roger the Alien: Honey, don't do that. Horses don't like being poked in the eyes.
[the kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes again]
Roger the Alien: Stop that. He doesn't like it.
Stan: [the kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes again] If you ever do that again I'm going to come round to your house and kick your Mom to death right in front of you!
Kid: Ahh! Ahh!
[Runs away terrified]

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: What a dick.
Capt. Ed Mercer: He's a glorified Speak & Spell; screw him.

Steve: [Steve and Hayley call Roger out on his identity fraud] Roger, we can't keep doing this.
Hayley: Yeah, I mean, it's stealing.
Roger: Oh, oh, excuse me, are you an ethicist? Are you? Is there an ethicist in the house?
Ethicist: I'm an ethicist.
Roger: Well, screw you, I'm Kevin Bacon!

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You know, I... I got to admit, I was nervous about going there last night, but you were right. We were totally ready. Kinda like how you were ready for sleepaway camp in 3rd grade even though you cried in the car all the way there.
Stan: How... how do you know that?
Roger the Alien: Well, I know all your memories now. Just like you know all mine, right?
Stan: I don't know anything anymore.
Roger the Alien: Huh. You didn't get any of my memories? That's weird. Must be an alien thing.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I know the restaurant business. I managed a Hardee's in Myrtle Beach for three years. Everyone called it "Party Hardee's" 'cause of the buttload of drugs I was moving through there. I was "sick" the day of the raid. Got tipped off by this detective whose daughter I saved from drowning. But I... I can't go back there. He won't look the other way again.

Stan: Santa Maria!

Roger: Ow! I stepped on that glass! I stepped on that mother-loving glass! You're all sued when I get back!

Stanley: I'll be Admiral Finch from the 58th Flotilla, and you'll be Lady Constantina, my real estate agent and we'll promenade around the neighborhood delighting both young and old alike with our saucy banter.

Admiral: You and your helmsman are gonna take that shuttle across the border and infiltrate a Krill vessel. You're going to obtain a copy of the Anhkana.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Admiral, there has to be someone with more undercover experience.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [insulted] Oh. Thanks.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: What? You want to risk death on a Krill ship?
Capt. Ed Mercer: No, but you also don't have to make me look bad with company over.

Stan: I swear, every time I help someone strengthen their core, it comes back to haunt me.

Roger: Once upon a time, there was a little alien who went to the police academy.
[imitates the "Charlie's Angels" opening credits and the kitchen explodes, causing Francine to scream]
Roger: Had to blow up the kitchen, Frannie. It goes real well with this thing I'm imagining.

Johann: You say I'm not human, but on the contrary, I understand your pain all too well. You see, a long time ago, I lost the woman I love, and that was, in fact, the cause of my present misfortune. I will tell you about it someday. But for now, the tactical advantage is ours! Consider this: the Prince lacks the crown piece. And without it, his Army poses no threat to us.
Liz: So, we have clearance then?
Johann: Agent Sherman... Liz... screw ze clearance! Ve vill *take* that plane!

Stan: Hey, Hayley, be our line judge!
Hayley: Can't! I'm making a landing pad for when the aliens bring Jeff back.
Roger the Alien: Okay, sweetie.
[to Stan]
Roger the Alien: I'm sure by now he's been dissected for science. Or for fun. It's pretty fun.

Hayley: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stanley: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other. Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Steve: [to Mitch] Sorry, my... um, war veteran uncle here blew up your car.
Mitch: No matter. A car is merely a means oftransporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived, for they contain the dough of life.
Roger the Alien: [pretends to wake up] I'm sorry. I drifted off. Are you on Thorazine? What the hell? I mean, what year is it? Who's president?
Steve: Roger! Mitch, if you can't finish your route, won't you lose your job?
Mitch: Perhaps, for lo, when a pie reaches not its destination, a trust is broken forever.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, look, Kung Fu, I prefer my crazy in my bread.

Roger the Alien: Au revoir, stardom.
[pushes a cinder block which drags the Roger doll to the bottom along with Steve off the boat and into the water]
Roger the Alien: Oh, did I tie that to Steve's ankle? Guess I'm clumsy like he wrote in the book. How do like that ending, Steve?

Roger the Alien: [Sees a Planet of the Apes ornament] This bust of Ben Stiller is hideous. But it's mine!

Stan: Hear that Francine, Doc's giving me a prescription for raw-dogging.
Roger: Yeah!

Hayley: [Stan handing Hayley new sandals] Thanks, I needed new Burks.
Stan: I know, I can smell.

Stan: [to Steve] Where'd you go?
Steve: I got the usher.
Stan: I almost died!
Steve: I almost died too... of shock. I accidentally ran into a Hugh Grant movie. Ugh. Such a youthful haircut on such an old face.

[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]
John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

Roger the Alien: [sniffs] Oh, I'm cleaning with gin. That means I've had 14 Pine-Sol martinis. And explains why my diarrhea cleaned the toilet.

Capt. Ed Mercer: We could make up fake names. They wouldn't know.

Roger the Alien: I guess you had to come out of, or regularly visit- Francine's clown hole to matter around this place!
Francine: It *is* a happening spot.

Stan: [after Francines crashes her car into his car] Francine! You T-boned me, bro!

Stanley: [as Stan is watching "Sesame Street"] Shoot him! Shoot him!
Elmo: Big Bird, just share it with Cookie Monster.
Stanley: Don't trust him! He just pretends to eat cookies, but he never swallows anything.

Roger: Somebody, please! My name is Clive Trotter and I'm an American, and I am in trouble!

Stan: Party time! Enjoy your last look at my ass 'cause I'm gonna party it off.

[last lines]
Stan: Man, I'm getting hungry. Hey, let's go dig up your mother so she can make us breakfast!

Capt. Ed Mercer: [reading excerpts from the Anhkana] Oh, god, their literature is gruesome. It's like a Bret Easton Ellis novel.

Roger: Ascent! You're flying now! I hope I haven't missed the part where the three Chinese guys give perfume to the star baby.
[laughs]
Roger: It's like the diaries of a madman!

Francine: Well, I already signed us up to tour the private school.
Stan: Fine, but I'm not gonna try to impress anyone. No jokes, no charm, and I'm gonna wear the PJ bottoms where my pud always falls out.

Jeff: Does your family always have such messed-up Christmases?
Stan: Yeah, Jeff. And now you do, too.

Stan: Steve, I can't believe you're here! The Schwartztein's house is going off! It's like a damn Ludacris video: pimp cups, shorties. It's all crunked out.

Isaac: I am afraid we cannot end the simulation at this time.
Dr. Claire Finn: Isaac, look at her bio-signs. Her adrenaline levels are through the roof.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Isaac, shut it down, now!
Isaac: I am sorry, Captain. I do not have the authority to do so. Lieutenant Kitan has exercised directive 38 in the execution of this program.
Capt. Ed Mercer: No bare feet in the engineering section? What does that have to do...
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No, 38.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, 38. Wait a minute, she exercised directive 38 for this?
Dr. Claire Finn: What does that mean?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: It's an extreme crisis-only regulation that allows the chief of security on board a starship the ability to override all other clearance. Including the captain's.
Dr. Claire Finn: What in God's name for?
Capt. Ed Mercer: In the rare case that the captain has been compromised in some way; alien influence, extreme drunkenness, that kind of thing. If they use it and they're wrong, it's a career-ender. And it's definitely not meant to be used for something like this.

Roger the Alien: [about Scarlett] I think I'm going to ask her out.
Stan: You? You three-foot-tall, gray, disgusting piece of shit! Scarlett's an angel. You're a pig. She would never go for you.
Roger the Alien: Listen, you, that hurts. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but you... you cracked it.

Roger: [as he sees Michelle out the window] There's a flying hooker watching you hug. Go away, hooker!

Stan: Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up. Before I remember who I am and what my life is all about. Anxiety, dissapointment, diarrhea more often than not. I don't- I don't know if there's an afterlife. But who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days.

Peter: Terry, what is Greg's favorite appetizer?
Terry: Oh, that's easy. It's potato skins.
Greg: No. It's wasabi tuna in a raddicchio sauce.
Terry: Even I think that's gay.

Stan: When Roger washes up on shore, we can take him to the emerghmancy rom.

Francine: Anything for me?
Stanley: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] And what makes you the big dog?
Stan: Um, everything. I'm smarter than you, I'm stronger than you, I can wet-nurse better than you.
[starts to lactate]
Stan: Easy, girls.

Lt. Alara Kitan: Captain, I would like to submit my official resignation.
Capt. Ed Mercer: What?
Lt. Alara Kitan: I am neither fit nor qualified to be chief of security aboard the Orville or any other starship.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Look, I understand you're feeling guilty about the whole...
Lt. Alara Kitan: Lieutenant Payne died because I was too afraid to do my job.
Capt. Ed Mercer: No, he died because in a crisis situation, things happen that you can't control. Payne knew the risks of this uniform, just like the rest of us.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Captain, I could've moved that bulkhead with one arm. But I didn't. Because I was scared. Harrison is dead because I was scared.
Capt. Ed Mercer: People seem to think that being brave means not being afraid. The way I see it, if you're not afraid, there's nothing to be brave about.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Tell that to Harrison's parents.

Stanley: Damnit! This is all Francine's fault! She could have started the wave of laughter. Laughter is contagious, like Small Pox or Gay!

Isaac: [the bridge crew is trying to find out what happened on the date between Isaac and Dr. Finn] What information do you require?
Lt. Talla Keyali: Did you have fun? Were there sparks?
Isaac: Sparks?
Lt. Talla Keyali: Yeah.
Isaac: Negative. There was no equipment malfunction.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well you don't have to brag about it.

Stan: Once we were foes lockin a death struggle now he works for me. Stalin's up in heaven cryin' his eyes out.

Jeff: [Stan, Jeff and Henry are sitting around the kitchen table, having dinner] So Dad, Stan's a friend of mine from Langley Falls. I've got a pretty good life up there: I'm in charge of tire inflation at the bike shop.
Henry: [sarcastically] Uh! Tire inflation? Oh, that is so great! Course, I'm not surprised: that's just the latest in a long list of achievements. I'm so proud of my son. In fact, this is the wall where I keep all his awards.
[shows Stan an empty wall; then, still sarcastically, standing up]
Henry: What? There's nothing there! Oh my God! They've been stolen! I better call the sheriff!
[pretending to dial a number]
Henry: We're gonna get to the bottom of this! It's ringing... Hello, Sheriff Perkins? Henry Fischer. Yes, yes, father of the illustrious Jeff Fischer. Someone has stolen all his awards. All of them! Must have been several strong men with a huge truck. What? What do you mean, Jeff's never won an award in his entire life? But if that were true, that would mean my son is a worthless piece of crap who never accomplished anything! Well, sir, I'm not gonna sit here while you say those awful things about my pride and joy!
[hangs up the phone, then kneels down before a smiling Jeff]
Henry: I promise you, son: I will not rest until I get every single ribbon, trophy and letter of commendation back on that wall!
[salutes Jeff and leaves. Then enters again]
Henry: I'm gonna go down to the bar, round up a posse. We'll get Charlie's dogs, close off the perimeter! You just sit there and keep on making me proud.
[pretends to wipe off a tear, then leaves again]
Jeff: [to Stan] Isn't he great?
Stanley: Great? Jeff, your dad is a humongous jerk!
Jeff: No, he's just kidding around. He loves me. That's why he can never know what happened in Florida.
Stanley: Look, Jeff, no one wants to admit their dad is a bad guy, but...
Jeff: Bad guy? Look who's talking! You're the one who tricked me and pretended to be my friend! My dad would never do anything that mean.
[Henry comes back, still sarcastically speaking to Jeff]
Henry: I need something for Charlie's dogs so they can pick up the scent. Do you have your high school diploma? No? They got that too? Oh, those monsters are gonna pay.
[leaves]

Stan: I've been planning a road-trip for the family to see all of our country's greatest monuments. And of course we'll take the secret back roads. You always want to enter a National Park from behind. Not many parks will let you. But if you find one that will, they'll pretty much let you do anything.

Stan: I don't want another religion, I want my religion.
Francine: I know, honey, but the thing is, you already kind of screwed yourself there.

Roger the Alien: [When Roger and Henry are playing video games] I win.
Henry: Let's have a rematch.
Roger the Alien: Nah, let's do something else. Ooh, ooh, let's play catch with a Koosh ball.
Henry: I said I want a rematch!
Roger the Alien: Ow, you're hurting me! Let me go!
Henry: Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you.
Roger the Alien: Well, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but that's exactly what you've done because I am hurting very much so.
Henry: It's just that I hate to lose and I don't own a Koosh ball and I thought you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore!
[starts crying]
Roger the Alien: Hey, hey. Don't worry. We all make mistakes. I once took down the better part of a bottle of Amaretto and busted a growler in a museum donation box.

Steve: I thought we hated gays.
Stan: Well, that was before I knew they came in Republican form.

Stan: [After he comes out from under the sink] No, no, Frank, you can stay in there
Francine: Hi Frank

Steve: You don't know how to blow a bubble?
Stan: And you don't know how to make love to a woman, not everyone knows how to do everything okay Steve!

Stan: Klaus you're the only guy who could start a story in a parking lot and have it turn out terrible.

Roger the Alien: I made it rain, made it rain. I made it rain on them boys!

Stan: [after seeing Steve and Snot playing air guitar] I don't know where to start here. Look at you two. Best case scenario: you're telling me you're gay with each other.

Stan: You know, you're a real bright kid, Johnny. I gotta say, I've lived in this neighborhood for a long time and...
[pulls out his gun]
Stan: Bam!
[Johnny screams]
Stan: Dead kid in the cornfield! Crows picking out your eyes! Mama can't find you for weeks!
Johnny: You're an ass, Mr. Smith.
Stan: And you're funny-looking.

Stan: [as he's getting beat up] Steve, help! Wrote a few checks with my mouth, bud. Need you to help me cash them.

Roger the Alien: You worthless piece of *bleep*.
Hayley: Excuse me?
Roger the Alien: Excuse you? For eating the rest of my potato bread? I made that myself and you know I didn't.

Stan: Ah, Mr. Pibb. The cornerstone of our love. Delicious, refreshing and totally lacking in pretension.

Stan: [to Roger as he's beating him up] You don't deserve to be on that cross, you lazy, wine-loving bisexual!

Stan: What about all the sexy coupons at the end? You two did the Tennessee Logjammer! Where are the other two guys? And did you at least put my ladder back?

Steve: We're doing an outer space party. We're gonna have our faces painted like aliens and everything.
Roger the Alien: Oh, white people in alien face? Running around going, "Beep boop bop." This what you do when there's no alien in the room? How would you feel if I made fun of you? "Oh, uh, I'm human. I'm from planet Earth. I think I'm coming down with a cold." Hurts, don't it?

Admiral: Exactly what did you navigator do down there?
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm told he... dry-humped a statue.
Admiral: My God - what kind of ship are you running out there, Captain?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Look, Admiral, he's an impulsive guy, yeah, but he's fantastic at his job.
Admiral: Part of his job is to maintain a low profile when observation lesser-developed alien cultures.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I, I know that, and I promise it will not happen again; I will personally order him... not to hump things.

Ed: Dr. Claire Finn. You're my chief medical officer, yes?
Dr. Claire Finn: Yes, sir, I am. Welcome aboard.
Ed: Your credentials are exceptional. Molecular surgery, DNA engineering, psychiatry. You could be posted on a heavy cruiser. What are you doing on the Orville?
Dr. Claire Finn: I always request my transfers based on where I think I'm needed. I feel more stimulated that way.
Ed: So what made your request this ship?
Dr. Claire Finn: Well, this is your first command, and I think you could use my help.
Ed: So you think I might screw up.
Dr. Claire Finn: No, sir, I didn't say that, sir.
Ed: Well, no, but you implied that you don't think I have the balls to do this job.
Dr. Claire Finn: Well, I am your doctor, sir, and if your balls are under par, I'll know.

Roger: Alexa, what's left on my schedule for today?
Klaus: You have a 3:15 as traveling nurse DeAndre Comadendo.. Then after that...
Hayley: [recognizing the voice] Klaus? Did you hollow out Roger's Echo?
Klaus: [denying] No way! I'm not Klaus. It's me, Alexa, bro!
Hayley: [skeptical] Alexa, who was the fourth emperor of the Ming Dynasty?
Klaus: Um... Chickety-China, the... Chinese chicken?
Hayley: Hmm... That could be right.

Roger: Talented, talented greaseball. From Ohio.

Stan: [to Roger] So when did you realize Scarlett was an alien hunter?
Roger the Alien: Took a little longer than I'd prefer to admit. For a while, I just thought we were having super-kinky sex and then she cut off my face.

[drenched in semen]
John: Fuck! I'm blinking it in! Oh my God, it's in my fucking mouth!
Ted: Wait-wait-wait, hang on, I gotta post this on Facebook.
John: NO!
Ted: ..."hashtag GrrrMondays".

Hayley: It's a little weird that this buffet has a VIP section, right?
Stan: You wanna hear something weird? The Goodyear Blimp is the official bird of Redondo Beach, California.
Francine: Oh, you guys wanna hear something really weird? Zerp Znap Za-noodle!

Dr. Aronov: This is Janice Lee, one of our most brilliant young physicists.
Dr. Claire Finn: [shaking hands] Hello.
Janice: Hi.
Dr. Aronov: Janice has been experimenting with temporal fields and has made... well, a breakthrough would be an understatement.
[Janice sets a banana on the table, then taps on her hand-held pad; an electric bubble covers the banana, and it rapidly rots]
Ed: So, it's an anti-banana ray?
Kelly: It's really interesting.
Ed: We need no longer fear the banana.
Kelly: Does it work on all fruit?
Ed: What about salads?
Dr. Aronov: Do you understand what happened to this banana? It's rotten because a month has passed.
Ed: Since we got here? Yeah, that's what it feels like.

Roger: I was just taking a midnight stroll when I saw what looked like a magical owl fly by and... oh! Look at that! It's right here, and it's carrying a letter!
[Steve opens the letter and gasps]
Roger: What does it say?
Steve: It says I've been admitted to Hogwarts School of Wizardry! The gypsy was right! I am special!
Roger: [snickering] And here I was thinking you were just a gullible idiot.

Frank: [to Ted in his office] I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to let you go.
Ted: [Taken aback] What? Why? I've been bursting my ass at this job for three years!
Frank: I just got a call from the Labor department. I can't legally keep you on as an employee... because I've been informed that you're technically...
Ted: [Finishing the sentence] Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ.
Frank: I'm sorry. But as of today you're fired.

Jewel: [to Roger] You can do whatever you want to me.
Roger the Alien: Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in that warehouse at the end of "Raiders"?

Stanley: [his wife's roots are showing] Francine, looking at your hair, I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit.

Francine: [Alarms are going off] Stan what's happening!
Stan: Not much, what's happening with you?

Samantha: [Unrated version] I love New York.
John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.
[Out the car window, to a group]
Ted: Hello, Jews!
[the groups says hello back]

Klaus: You know what? I'm not gonna push the conversation. I'm just gonna chalk this up as a "W."
Stan: Shut up, Klaus!
Klaus: And I broke even.
Francine: Quiet, Klaus!
Klaus: And I blew it.

Roger the Alien: Tam, I gotta go, the Boss is being a real Catch you Next Tuesday...

Stan: These rocks will make a fine raft!

Barry: Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.
Stan: Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Ed, They are sending you out into enemy space and you acting like it's some big joke! My God, if you are discovered...
Capt. Ed Mercer: Look Kelly, Why do you think I'm trying to lighten the mood here ? I'm scared off my ass.

Francine: [to Roger] What a cute beret.
Roger: Cute? Puppies are cute! Reese Witherspoon before children was cute.

Stanley: [to Francine] Sweetie, I made a mistake. Can't you take a page from that bitch Hillary Clinton and just let it go?

Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No, you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Comic: You people are monsters.
John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!

Roger the Alien: [when he's about to go back to his home planet] Do I have to go? My planet's freezing cold, there's no booze and sex is so boring up there. It's all consensual.

Stanley: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years.
[starts chugging down pills]
Principal: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stanley: I see.
[foam starts coming out of his mouth]
Stanley: Henry, antidote.

Mr. Rivera: [to Roger] You don't have any lines. Stop improvising!
Roger the Alien: I need to be heard. I have 20 people coming to see me. I'm crushing hard on one of them. Do you know what that's like, Mr. Rivera-Perez? You're a gay, amateur director. You must've crushed hard on someone along the way. Daniel? Maybe... maybe there was a Daniel in your life?

Stanley: I'm gonna go in with Steve for his prenataI exam aIone. It's kind of a father-son thing.
Francine: Oh, okay. HayIey and I'll go say heIIo to the donkey running around the cancer ward.

Roger: [after punching Klaus] Punch a fish, make a wish.

Johann: You will learn to obey me, follow protocol and stay focused at all times.
Hellboy: Oh, that word - "fock-yused"? Yeah, with your accent, I wouldn't use it that much.

Roger the Alien: [while reading US Weekly] Stars. They're just like us. Ooh! Here's Tara Reid buying a gallon of vodka and a case of morning-after pills. I drink gallons of vodka. I should be a star.

Steve: Dad, can we go to Graceland?
Stan: Steve, if you want to pay your respects to a fat man who died on the toilet, we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave.

Capt. Ed Mercer: You should have called me; we could have thrown up together.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Next time.

Stan: A telethon? No one wants to run 26 miles.

Roger: [after getting a faceful of cocaine] I AM INCREDIBLY FOCUSED RIGHT NOW!

Stanley: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell Francine? What is this really about? I mean I hate Susan Serandon but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just... cut my hair different for a while.
Francine: What is this about? Just look at that fuck with cucumbers on his eyes. Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stanley: Oh God! This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine: [stunned] Midlife crisis... wait, future senator?
[irate]
Francine: Oh I will fucking chop his head in two!
Stanley: Francine, don't you see. Sure, Clooney has no cares, no-one that depends on him, but... he HAS no one that DEPENDS on him! But you; you have a family. A son, a daughter...
Francine: ...and a husband, who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stanley: Of course! I assumed you did!
Francine: [both laugh hysterically] I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
Francine: [both turn and stare at Clooney] You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: That gentleman has the wrong Sydney. Or he's dyslectic and angry at Disney.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Attention, Krill ship. This is the USS Orville. Cease fire immediately, or we will respond.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: In the history of space battles, has that ever worked?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: They have ceased firing upon the planet.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I stand corrected.

Stan: [while telling a joke] What are the three rings of marriage? The first one's the engagement ring, the second one's the wedding ring and the third one? The "suffer"-ring.
[everyone laughs]
Roger the Alien: Stan, that's not a good joke 'cause it's not racist.

Roger: That's why I'm the perfect soldier and the perfect guy to watch movies with. I don't poke holes. I just enjoy the ride.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips, Dad. I want that kind of relationship with you.

[Unrated version only]
Ted: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please? Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here. Let's have it, fellas.
Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.
John: Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words.
Ted: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
John: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
Ted: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
John: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!

Roger the Alien: [crying] Sons of Tucson, new on FOX? When was this on? I watch FOX. I never saw this.

Doctor: [following Mammogram] Your breasts are full of spiders!
Roger the Alien: That's how I like 'em!

Capt. Ed Mercer: Take us in.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Entering Haunted House.

Hayley: [after Jeff gets sent to space instead of Roger] What the hell just happened? My Jeff. My dear, sweet...
Roger the Alien: Hurry up, Hayley. You're sitting in the middle.

Roger: [about his exam] Why is this wrong? Next to "Miranda rights" I put, "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby." Are these questions not about Sex and the City?

Ed: Dude, you have been a colossal dick all day - shut the hell up.

Capt. Ed Mercer: They've been watered right? Like do we have a plant guy?

Steve: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
Stanley: That's right. Or angels will kill you. Good night.

[last lines]
Stan: Coochie-coochie-boo!
[waits for response]
Stan: Did she smile when I said that?
Terry: No!
Stan: Will you ever remove the restraining order?
Terry: No!
Stan: She likes sugar in her coffee!

Roger the Alien: [when he's dressed up as Hayley] Well, I'm gonna go beg for money on the beach since I'm dressed for it.

Stan: Hi. We don't have a reservation, but I'm Stan Smith.
Maitre: Pf!

Stanley: [holding a baby] One of us pooped.

Roger the Alien: [after Jeff gets beaten for the umpteenth time] This is getting ridiculous. You want me to walk you home again?
Jeff: [pushes him away] It didn't help last time!
[Jeff leaves]
Roger the Alien: Jeez, just trying to help the kid out.
[Jeff slams the door, Roger stretches and cracks his knuckles]
Roger the Alien: I'm gonna rape him this time.
[Jeff walks down the dark hallway looking perturbed until his sees Roger again once again in his cat burglar disguise]
Roger the Alien: You know the drill here.
Jeff: [voice breaking in anger] You know, I remember a time when this was a safe hallway. I left my door unlocked, kids playing after dark. I can walk home without being scared - AND I DON'T WANNA BE SCARED ANYMORE!
Roger the Alien: Just shut up and give me...
[Jeff grabs his gun and shoots at Roger repeatedly until the gun cocks out, Jeff walks away, Roger weakly takes out his gun to shoot Jeff until his hand slips shooting his own foot]
Roger the Alien: OW! That's a whoopsie.

Francine: [to Stan] You made me think I was a murderer? Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through? I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain that to Jesus?
Stan: I'm... I'm sorry.
Francine: You're sorry? Do you know what super diarrhea is, Stan? Do you know how much you've screwed up my life?
Stan: Francine, I know I've done some terrible things, but I'll fix it. I'll fix everything, I swear.
Francine: What about Sanjit? I don't want an Indian baby! I don't even like Indian food!

Stan: [to Roger] My God! Did you get in a fight at school?
Roger the Alien: No. Look, you know, I'm gonna be a straight shooter with you now. I think I screwed the pooch on this one.
Stan: What?
Roger the Alien: You know how you said try to be friends with the senator's daughter?
Stan: Yeah.
Roger the Alien: Well, it began like that, and then middle, middle, middle and then I sold her to a drug dealer. The end.
Stan: You what?
Roger the Alien: Are you seriously mad at me, Stan? You're the who's always telling me to go with my instincts. I thought you'd be proud of me.
[looks out the window]
Roger the Alien: Ah, there's a blue jay out there.
Stan: I don't want to see the blue jay.
Roger the Alien: Oh, it's so blue. You're not gonna want to miss this.
Stan: No.
Roger the Alien: Stan...
Stan: Fine.
Roger the Alien: Oh, it's gone.
Stan: Why would you sell the girl?
Roger the Alien: Why would you not look at the blue jay earlier?

Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: The ceremony is followed by a celebration, for which the captain has allowed the use of the Orville's mess hall. You are all invited to attend with a mate.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Okay. Any questions?
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Yeah, like, a million, but I'm not gonna ask.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Union Central has granted clearance for the diversion, as the course aligns with Outpost 58, where, as you all know, we're scheduled to take on board our new dark matter cartographer. And Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [snickering, then to Bortus] No, it's... it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done.

Roger the Alien: [to Francine] Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter but he'd never cheat on you.
Francine: It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash at 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes, when you're on the floor with another girl, guys will throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision?

Roger: [while in disguise] Name's Fantasia Lopez. I'm on my way to Welfare to get some free stuff.
[to a bunch of dolls]
Roger: Don't you worry, babies. Mama's gonna get some food stamps so you can get the Milk Duds you need.

Avery: We've located an al-Qaeda cell camped out in the desert of Algeria.
Stan: Are they planning an attack?
Avery: No, they're just on a camping trip.
Stan: Those s'mores-making bastards!

Stan: The new Pixar movie, Clothes. It's about the secret lives of clothes. John Ratzenberger plays a tie.

Stan: [watching games shows] This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.

[after Bah Bah rescued Stan from being trapped in his own home because Mr. Dawson refuses to bail him out and arrogantly abandons him with his wife]
Stan: Why did you cut her out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?
Bah: Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She failed math in school. Imagine, Chinese girl can't do math?
Stan: It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.

Roger the Alien: [to Steve] Go to your room. Get back here. Give me a kiss. You're a good boy. You just frustrate me.

Steve: Okay, next up is Daniel.
Roger: [as Ricky Spanish] Daniel? I can't face Daniel. What I did to him was too horrible. Skip down! Skip down to someone else! No, forget it. Let's start a business. We'll buy a truck and do pedicures in it. We'll call it "Nail Salon Wheels Truck," I don't know!

Stan: [to Bullock] Are you nuts? You hired my wife?
Avery: So? I also banged your daughter. And remember your 4th of July barbeque. I muff-punched your gram-gram. She was just too senile to know it.

Hayley: I'm going to devote my time to the Heifer Project.
Stan: No daughter of mine is going into fatty porn!

[phone rings, Hayley answers]
Hayley: Hello?
Roger the Alien: Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
Hayley: Roger? Whoah! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences?
Roger the Alien: Oh, right, it's past noon, you're already high.

Stan: Francine, you know I only laugh at "Two and a Half Men." Charlie Sheen sleeps with whores, then has breakfast with a fat child. It's funny just talking about it.

Stan: [to Hayley about her swimsuit] You are not wearing that to Buckle and Sharri's pool party. You look like you should be holding up round cards at a dogfight in Fresno.

Cam: [leaves with Tom] Come on, let's get out of here before these geezers have a heart attack.
Stan: Why would I tweezer my fart crack? Dumb kids...

Francine: I'm *having* a *baby*.
Stan: No!
[Francine pepper sprays in Stan's eyes]
Stan: My eyes!
[Stan runs into the door]
Stan: My mouth!
[Stan runs back into the side table]
Stan: My back!
[Stan looks at a dead plant on the dresser]
Stan: My begonia!
[Stan accidentally turns on the radio, My Sharona plays]
Stan: "My Sharona"!
[Stan backs up into the television, accidentally turning on My Best Friend's Wedding]
Stan: My Best Friend's Wedding! Ah, my eyes again!

Qurchhhh: [to Roger] I know I need a disguise, but won't it look strange, you checking into a romantic B&B with your dog?
Roger the Alien: Well, if anyone asks, I'll just explain that I'm banging my dog. That should stop the questions.

Roger the Alien: [about the new town the Smiths will be living in] Let's just hope it has what every other small town in America has: Cheap and plentiful methamphetamines.

Klaus: Am I early for Book Club?
Roger the Alien: No! You're late! And that's two weeks in a row! You're out!
Klaus: I didn't read it anyway...

Ed: [seeing the Orville] Is that it? It's not bad, right?
Gordon: No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe, like, a rainbow unicorn, you got something.

Hayley: Steve, are you sure you want to have this child?
Steve: Yeah, I guess so. Roger, what do you say? You ready, partner?
Roger: [slurred] Oh, yeah. Fatherhood. Jazzed. It's not Iike I wanted to do anything with my life, like Iearn to surf or go to JerusaIem.
Steve: Are you drunk?
Roger: Get used to it!
[slams the door]

Krill: Give me the device, human, or I will destroy your ship.
Ed: Sorry, can you... can you move, like, two steps to your right?
Krill: What?
Ed: Just like a little, t-tiny bit... it's just a lot of dead space there, just...
[the Krill captain steps to his right]
Ed: Yeah, just right th... perfect. Yeah, sorry. You were just very weirdly framed. It was all I could focus on.

Roger the Alien: Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it?
[drinks it]
Roger the Alien: Mmmmmm... tastes like I might die.

Roger: [to his date] You know, you're not as ugly as I thought. I just might sex you later.
Roger's: I'm gonna go.
Roger: Ugh. Now you've ruined it by talking.

Steve: [to Roger] You slut!
Roger the Alien: I have to say, it was super relaxing being an innocent young girl for a change.
Steve: Innocent? You did it with Snot on the beach!
Roger the Alien: Yeah, I did. Got sand all up in my Jenny dress, not to mention my gopher hole. Oop, I mentioned it.

Hayley: [to Roger about his disguise] Are you supposed to be pregnant or fat?
Roger the Alien: Eight months preggers. They don't make you buy the two-drink minimum when you're knocked up.

Roger: Isn't that James Patterson?
Francine: He's here to receive a special award. More of his books have been left on beaches than used condoms.

Roger: [while in his Fantasia Lopez disguise] I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso till I catch me a man.

Stanley: Sorry I'm late, I was getting a piping-hot cup of coffee. It's far too hot to drink, but luckily my leathery man-mouth can take it.

Roger the Alien: You know I have a thing where I have to eat any food I find.

Terry: I'm very particular about what I put in my body.
Greg: Yea, unless you're on a booze cruise in Mazatlan.

Francine: It must be fun to play an Army guy.
Roger: Play? Puppies play! Reese Witherspoon plays to her strengths when she takes on middle-of-the-road romantic comedies like "Sweet Home Alabama."

Lt. Janel Tyler: Can I ask our course heading?
Capt. Ed Mercer: We're on our way to watch our second officer go to the bathroom.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan on the phone] We need to talk about Atlantic City. Francine's asking questions and I don't know what to tell her.
Stan: Tell her nothing! Look, I have work to do.
Roger the Alien: Don't hang up! I will not be ignored, Stan. I'll come down there. Oh, yeah, I'll come down there, and I will make such a scene!

Stan: And Hayley your face will remain metal free, like a good radio station.

Dr. Claire Finn: Captain, let me see that shoulder. Does it hurt?
Ed: Yeah, it hurts like hell.
Kelly: That means it's not that bad.
Ed: What are you talking about, Kelly? I literally just said it hurts like hell.
Kelly: When he's really in pain, he gives straight answers with no cussing. He's just hoping you give him drugs.
Ed: That's a bunch of crap, Kelly. I'm in real pain here. I... why, do you have drugs?

Capt. Ed Mercer: Kelly, he fed a guy to another guy - that's not something a department head does.

Stan: [about Barry] Careful, Steve! He's as mad as he is fat!

[Gorden is flying through the crevices of an ice moon]
Capt. Ed Mercer: You ever flown inside one of these?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Nope.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Should I be worried?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yup.

Francine: I'm worried about Melinda. I went by her apartment to apologize and she wasn't there.
Stan: How odd.
Francine: I don't think she ever made it home.
Stan: H-h-how, how can you be sure?
Francine: There was a Thai menu hanging from her doorknob which doesn't add up because she loves Thai food and she hates doorknob clutter.

Hayley: I got ninja-darted in the neck and while I was in the void between this world and the next, an overwhelming realization washed over me that Jeff is gone and I accept that now.
Stan: Great!
Hayley: I also accept that you two jerks are the reason he was abducted in the first place. And now, I'm taking your shuttlecock.
[takes the shuttlecock away and leaves]
Roger the Alien: She'll be back.
Stan: Roger, I think you're in denial.
Roger the Alien: No, I'm not.
[angrily]
Roger the Alien: I hate you! I've always hated you!
[nervously]
Roger the Alien: If she brings back the shuttlecock, I'll feed the needy, I swear.
[about to cry]
Roger the Alien: Oh, God, I don't think I can face this. I don't want to be around people.
[sighs and calms down]
Roger the Alien: You know what? It is what it is.
Stan: Roger, you just went through the five stages of grief!
Roger the Alien: But my species has six stages.
[kicks Stan in the groin, causing him to fall down in pain]
Stan: Was that the sixth stage?
Roger the Alien: [smiles] Nope.

Stan: [to Francine] Where's Steve? I want to see how my fantasy basketball team is doing.
Francine: Well, he understood the fantasy part, but had no idea what basketball was. He tried to add three griffins and an orc to your roster.
Stan: Fucking nerd.

Roger the Alien: And now Francine's in prison and it's all because I lost my edge. I'm washed up. I'm done.
Isabella: Listen to yourself. Your friend's locked up and all I hear is " I, I, I".
Roger the Alien: Wow. You missed a ton of what I said.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Apparently, the atmosphere of the Krill homeworld is permanently shrouded by a dense cloud cover that obscures 96% of the sunlight from the planet's surface. A world existing in perpetual night.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: No wonder they're so cranky all the time.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Have you guys done it yet?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Have we done it? Are you allowed to use that phrase after the age of twelve?

Santa: I'm coming for you, Smiths! Hyah!
Steve: How did he find us?
Jeff: Oh. I wrote him a letter telling him where he can deliver our presents.
Stan: He's trying to kill us, you moron! You gave away our hiding spot!
Hayley: Dad, stop it. He didn't know.
Stan: He doesn't know anything! He's super dumb, Hayley. Jeff, please leave my family alone forever. Will you do me that kindness?
Hayley: Dad!
Stan: [as Jeff sadly leaves the cabin] He understood. It's a Christmas miracle.

Stan: Paperclips? Paperclops? Popperclops! Pops that Clop your Poppers!

Roger: You hustling me, boy?

Stan: [to Steve] Weren't you supposed to quit crying for New Year's?
Steve: [while crying] I'm sensitive! It's a desirable trait in some cultures.
Stan: In France, maybe Oh, my God! Move to France! Go the hell to France!

Henry: Roger, don't go! I swear I'll change. We'll play all day and we'll make a fort out of pillows and I'll never be too busy for you. You're my alien.
Roger the Alien: Oh, Henry, yes, yes! A thousand times, yes!
Steve: No! God, Roger, what the hell? You're the most backward-ass advanced live form ever.
Henry: See? He doesn't care about you.
Steve: Look, Roger. I'm not gonna make a bunch of promises about how we're always gonna play together and how every moment's gonna be great. And if a girl calls and I think there's a shot at boob, I'm going for the boob. But I will come home and tell you about it because you're not my alien. You're my friend, my best friend.

Stan: [after learning to stuff food into his cheeks from an anorexic woman] Thank you Veronica you fat whore!

Stan: My favorite color is blue. My lucky number is three. My favorite movie is The Burbs, and I'm terrified of fountains. They're unnatural. To force a rainbow angers God.

Avery: It is time we Feast! Take them!
Various: It's the 200!
Roger the Alien: Nonsense, they don't exist! I made them up! Wha...?
Hayley: 200 Rogers!
Roger the Alien: 200 mes?

Stan: Oh, great. Now it's making a black tinkle out of the whoosie-whatter.

Roger the Alien: [while holding a net standing next to a big envelope] Elian? Is that you, baby? Come on in. You're safe here. I will not send you back to Coo-ba.

Roger the Alien: I'm going to make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.

Stanley: Hey, boss! Look! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!

Lt. Gordon Malloy: [Reading condolence note over Captain Mercer's shoulder] "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy." I mean that's - that's terrible!
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm not a writer, okay?

Francine: How humiliating. Hayley made me look like a total idiot.
Stan: Honey, you're not a total idiot. I mean, you got the point of the film, right?

Hayley: [to Stan about her swimsuit] Dad, I'm sweating like a pig in this thing. It's humiliating.
Stan: Not to me. And show some respect. Your grandmother drowned in that bathing suit.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Alara, you invoked directive 38 to prevent us from shutting down the program when it got too hot in there. I ought to court-martial you on this very spot for the position you put us in. We were really worrried about you.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Captain, I am so sorry. I mean, I don't... I don't remember it, but still, I'm sorry.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm letting it slide because no one got hurt. And also because you owned every crisis Isaac threw at you.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Every insane situation you were up against, you handled like a first-rate officer.
Capt. Ed Mercer: There should be no doubt in your mind that you are capable of doing your job.

Roger: Uh yeah, Steve, I'm a professional film editor, I can do anything. Tyler Perry's movies are actually quite good before I get my hands on them.

Ted: [Unrated version, while listening to Electric Slide at the wedding afterparty] No! No! I said no Electric Slide!
[Throws wine bottle at DJ]
Ted: God dammit, you will not wreck this night with your forced white people group fun!

[Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]
Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?
John: [texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.
Ted: God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?
John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.
John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
Ted: Oh, fuck you.

Francine: Stan, it's great the CIA gave you that $20,000 bonus for "Most Evasive Testimony to Congress," but at this rate, it'll be gone in no time.
Stan: Hey, if I don't buy all this crap, the terrorists win! And don't tell me it's not a competition, because it SO is.

Stan: Roger I think I've figured out a way to get off the island. Is there such a thing as a Time Crab?

Steve: [to Roger] Wait, you were trying to kill me? So this is all your fault.
Roger the Alien: Oh, yeah. Blame the alien. The cops will eat that up. Sorry, pal, you're going to jail where they're gonna take your cherry Jell-O away in the lunch line after you're raped in the shower.

Roger the Alien: Four Guatemalans will be here Thursday morning at 7:00 with boxes and packing tape. Under no circumstances are you to feed them or tip them. If the job is done well, they will each be rewarded with a large fries.

Stanley: Hayley, where's your mother?
Hayley: Last time I saw her, she was in the kitchen serving up body shots.
Stanley: What a hostess.

Roger the Alien: [Max Jetts, straight out of prison] Now that I've been raped by people who know what they're doing, I just want to share...

Roger the Alien: Um... yeah. Could somebody tell Snake Pliskin here to back off?

Roger the Alien: Glass of scotch in my hand, fan on my crotch. Scotch-crotch-bygotch.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Kel, I'm sorry, but you can't blame yourself for any of this.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I watched three people murdered in my name. Five others already dead. And a mother telling her child that if he misbehaved, "Kelly will get him." You're damn right I blame myself. And I'm forbidden to even try and fix it. I mean, how many more people are gonna die down there in the name of Kelly? Thousands? Millions?
Capt. Ed Mercer: If there's anything at all I can do...
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No. Just... I want to be alone.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You can't keep two girls on lockdown. You already got Francine. If you want to let her go, then I'll back off Scarlett. Of course, then, I'll plow Francine.
Francine: I'd let him, too. Dan Andsome-Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.

Roger the Alien: [can't roll an oreo from his navel into his mouth] Dammit!

Jeff: Mr. Smith, no one has to die! I promise I won't tell anyone! I swear! I swear on my promise!
Stan: That's not what people say, Jeff.

Stanley: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stanley: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.

Stanley: [discussing Francine's potato salad] What if I told you that it contained a horrible ingredient? An unholy ingredient.
Karl: Unholy, you say?
Karl: [stands up and opens his robe, traumatizing the entire family then sits back down] Anything else?
Steve: Where... where does your food go?

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: You can bang that chick on your kitchen sink for all I care.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I don't ever do it near the food, you know that.

Stan: Klaus, I think I might have done a bad thing. I kind of brainwashed Hayley.
Klaus: Yeah, I'm sort of reading.
Stan: She's a sleeper agent and, well, I activated her. She'll do whatever I tell her. Of course, I feel terrible about taking away her ability to think for herself, but it's only for seven days. Then I have to deactivate her or she'll lose her free will. So I've only got until Saturday at 7:35 to make sure she stays on the path to happiness. I know it seems wrong, but it's for her own good. So that's okay, right? What do you think?
Klaus: I think you only talk to me when there's no one else to turn to. You don't care what I think. You just need to hear yourself talk. I think you're a selfish bastard and I think you can go to hell.

[from trailer]
Samantha: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha: Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha: You know, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.

Hayley: [after Stan poops in Buckle and Sharri's pool] I was in the pool when he did it. I was at Ground Zero.
Roger the Alien: Hayley, it's not okay to use that term. I was actually at Ground Zero. I was the first one on the scene selling erotic T-shirts: "Osama Bin Sexy," "Sexy Bin Laden" and "Yo Mama Bin Farting." That last one was not erotic to everybody.

Stan: There's something you should know about me by now, Roger: I don't learn lessons.

Francine: Good morning.
Stanley: Francine, your negligee is see-through. Unfortunately, you are not.

Stan: When you tell the truth, you don't need to flush. Your ass has betrayed you!

Stan: [to Roger] Shut it down, pack it up.
Roger the Alien: What?
Stan: Pack up your crap. You're moving to the basement. My mom's gonna live up here from now on.
Roger the Alien: But, Stan, this is my attic. This is my home. You can't do this.
Stan: Sorry, bro. Mom's family.
Roger the Alien: But I'm family, too! You just called me bro!
Stan: Sorry, cuz, I was just using it as slang. Let me break it down for you, son: Family is your siblings, your kids or most importantly, people you have physically been inside either sexually or as a fetus.

Roger: Every six years, my gIaxins shoot up into my fompairs, causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus.
Klaus: Your insides sicken me! I'll be in mein crapper. I'm aIways in mein crapper.

[Ted and John roam around the forest to pick up firewood when John notices a marijuana leaf]
John: What the hell?
[John sniffs the leaf]
John: Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.
[Ted turns around and is amazed by what he sees while he walks towards John]
John: It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of that stuff doing outin the middle of a...
[Ted grabs John's head and has him look to the right. John gets up and is astonished by the sight of marijuana crops in front of him]
John: Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
Ted: So beautiful!
[sobs]
Ted: It's so beautiful!
Samantha: No words. No words. They should've sent a poet.
Ted: They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.

Roger the Alien: Don't cry... in front of the fish.

Stan: [while listening to Paco and his family sing] My God, listen to them sing about America. They aren't parasites, they're people. Paco and his family feel lucky just to be in this country. All we do is take it for granted and they're willing to work in my basement for soda, soda that I watered down. It's not about having kiss-my-ass money. It's about being here in the greatest country in the world. That's the American dream, Francine.
Francine: Okay, but can I have just one to help me with the laundry? There's just so much laundry, Stan.

Roger the Alien: We're poor, we've got too many kids, it stinks to high heaven. This'll inspire one hell of a country song. Just need a macchiato to get me going.
[to Naydern]
Roger the Alien: Where's our espresso maker, dear?
Naydern: The what?
Roger the Alien: [Scene cuts to Roger driving off] No, thank you!

Stan: [Roger has just walked in on Stan and his mother in the bath] What do you do when your mom's unhappy/Jerry's left her feeling crappy/sing her a shanty nice and snappy/wash her in the bathtub/wash... wash... wash your veejay, scrub, scrub, scrub your veejay/rinse... rinse, rinse your veejay/next we'll do your tushie/wash... wash... wash your tushie/scrub... scrub... scrub your tushie/rinse... rinse... rinse your tushie/we just did your tushie!

Stan: [to Steve] Your face is freaking me out. You look like the cashier at CVS.

Stan: I cannot hear those words again and I'll do whatever it takes to keep her from saying them. As God as my witness!
[lightning strikes]
Klaus: Weird. Not a cloud in the sky.
Stan: Yeah, I know. Must be heat lightning.

Steve: Seriously, can't you do *anything*?
Roger the Alien: I can get my feelings hurt and throw a world-class hissy fit!

Stanley: Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.
[shouts]
Stanley: So look sharp!

Roger the Alien: [after a hallucinogenic meal] I just don't have the words for it. Schmooblydong. Is that a word?

Hayley: So you're the cat, huh?
Roger: Meow.
Hayley: God bless ya, you *commit*.

Stan: God is my co-pilot! And the Virgin Mary is the hot stewardess! Ding! More peanuts, Mary!

Roger the Alien: Okay, Steve, if you're looking for gender clarification, there's a number of things we can try. First, we raise some cash to get that dick off you.
Steve: [covering his crotch] Whoa! Coming in hot!

Roger: [gasps] Stan, I just saw a deer! Or is that an elk? Or a moose? A horse? Oh! It's a picnic table.

Capt. Ed Mercer: You guys will not get me into a discussion of time travel logic; I'd rather chew broken glass.

Roger the Alien,20272: Francine!
Roger the Alien: Good to see you, Mrs. S. You just missed happy hour, but we may still have some crab cakes. Miguel, tenemos crab cakes?
[snaps his fingers]
Francine: I don't want any crab cakes.
Roger the Alien: Good, because there's no Miguel or crab cakes.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan as he's dancing] Look at me like you're a virgin!

Tom: What's going on? What's going on?
Hellboy: I quit.
[gives Manning his belt and weapon]
Tom: What? Are you serious?
Liz: Looks that way doesn't it?
[gives Manning her belt and weapon]
Tom: What's wrong with you? You can't all just quit.
Abe: [gives Manning his belt and weapons] Watch us.
[pats Manning on the cheek and walks past him]
Hellboy: [comes back] On second thought...
[pulls out the Samaritan]
Hellboy: I think I'll keep this!
[walks away]
Tom: Come on. Come on! Johann, they can't do this. Stop them.
Johann: Dr. Manning, suck my ectoplasmic schwanzstucker!

Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: It is customary to respond with a fitting passage of literature from ones own planet.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I'm a survivor. I'm not gon' give up. I'm not gon' stop. I'm gon' work harder.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Those are words of great power, who wrote them?
Captain: I think it was actually about 15 different people.

Ray: Who are you to say I'm too old?
Stan: Ray, you microwaved a sponge yesterday, thinking it was a Hot Pocket. You cooked it for 30 seconds, flipped it over and then cooked it another 30 seconds. You had a lot of opportunities to see it wasn't food.

Steve: The night belongs to me, for I am Greater Chimdale County Man.
Roger: No! That name's terrible!

Roger the Alien: [the entire family will die, Roger is redecorating] I'm thinking of sea foam! What do you think?
[they stare blankly, insulted]
Roger the Alien: 'Cause, you know, I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all of the sad.

Capt. Ed Mercer: You called it a "gloryhole"; nobody else called it a gloryhole.

Stan: The Stan Smith Wrestling Museum. Dedicated to the high school wrestling career of Stan Smith.
Steve: Um, I've lived in this house my whole life. How long's this been here?
Roger: Construction of the museum began in 1998. I should know because like Ross on "Friends", I'm a docent. But unlike Ross, I don't look like a Monchichi.

Stan: [to Roger] I'm acting the crap out of you.

Roger: [to Steve] How many times have you been playing with yourself a day?
Steve: Three.
Roger: We're going to up that to five.
[writes on a clipboard]
Roger: You can take this prescription to any room in the house with Kleenex and have it filled.
Steve: Thanks, Doc.

Roger the Alien: [real estate scam] Oh look, another serious buyer.
Husband: But you're so young
Wife: How can you possibly afford this house?
Steve: Remember the kid from Jerry Maguire?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Of course.
Steve: Well, he pays me to call hotels before his arrival to ensure they have pillows that can support his massive head. I do quite well. Which is why I'm prepared to offer you $99,000. And not a penny more.
Roger the Alien: Oh, yeah? Let me see the cash. I don't need to see the cash. Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be? You gonna offer me 100 K, or are you going to let Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch make you look like a punk in front of your hot wife?
Wife: Well, are you?

Stan: [Gatecrashing Heaven] We're Mormons! We were born dead!

Stanley: Francine, this happens every time! First you pull out a gun and threaten to shoot me. Then I pull out *my* gun. Eventually, your arm gets tired, you leave, and we have passionate "nobody-got-shot" sex.

Hayley: Can't we just go home?
Stan: If you can go back in time, have you smoked that much weed Hayley? If you see me back there, tell me don't jump in the pool! Don't jump in the pool!

Stan: [about Steve] Kid's got his mother's ass. Lucky son of a gun.

Stan: I'm going to go check out the situation, and you guys can check out my ass as I walk away. I think you'll be pleased.

Steve: [After bully Stan throws a coffee in his face] Ah! It's in my eye!
[And before Stan can respond]
Steve: I know, I know - that's what Mom said last night.
Stan: That right!
[Nodding happily]
Stan: While I was doing her! Bah-Boom!

Francine: Stan, all you ever feel is anger. Why is that the only emotion you can express?
Stan: Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now, pass me the fucking sweet potatoes!

Father: Look, Stan, I actually think what you did was really, really funny, but Christian leaders around the world saw you on TV and they've been chewing my ass off nonstop. I'm sorry, Stan, but I'm going to have to kick you out.
Stan: I can't go to your church anymore?
Father: No, Stan, you're kicked out of Christianity. You can't go into any church.
Stan: No! Well, there must be some way to get back in!
Father: Well, there are three, but they're tough: you'd have to find the Holy Grail or kill the Antichrist or donate ten million dollars to charity. That's how Jared from Subway got back in.

Stan: Today made me realize. It's time for me to follow my true destiny.
Francine: Oh, no, not this again.
Stan: Yes, Francine. This again. My holiday cele-bear-tions! A different handmade bear for every holiday. Look at him. How cute is he? Go on. Tell him you don't love him.
Francine: He's cute, but I still have a problem with the name. Cele-bear-tion. It sounds like a cross between celibate and abortion.
Stan: I told you, Francine. I heard your note, I considered it and I don't agree.

Francine: L-O-V-E "Love". Because you love me so much you wanted to be alone with me all weekend. Your turn...... "Blurazzy"? That's not a word.
Stan: Then I pass.
Francine: But you have two blanks. You can spell "liar", "go", "take", "smokes", "to", "skank", "across", "the", "kale".
Stan: I pass! Well time to get more firewood.
Francine: You've gone for firewood every 10 minutes. Are you okay?

Roger the Alien: [to Francine] You're a terrible cleaner. Look at this place, it's filthy!
[makes a stain on Francine's apron]
Roger the Alien: Yeah, that's a big dirty "S" for "schmutz."

Capt. Ed Mercer: All weapons are to be kept on stun. We want the clown alive.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Captain?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I think it's only prudent to caution everyone to watch out for pies.
Capt. Ed Mercer: At this point, anything is possible. So, yes... pies, seltzer bottles, balloon animals... be alert.

Admiral: I have good news. There's a ship available. It's a mid-level craft. The USS Orville. It's not exactly a heavy cruiser, but it is an exploratory vessel. And we're offering you command.
Ed: You're kidding.
Admiral: Honestly, we would have offered you a command earlier, but you haven't really inspired anyone with all that much confidence this past year.
Ed: [taking something off the desk as he talks] I know. I ha... I've had some personal stuff that's been going on. It's not really worth getting into. Can I have one of these mints?
Admiral: Those are marbles.
[having already put it in his mouth, Ed spits it back into the bowl]

Stanley: [Stan is brushing his teeth, and breaks the toothbrush] Damn Chinese toothbrushes! You know, they can make a chicken taste like an orange, but when it comes to oral hygiene, they really phone it in.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: The right thing is to protect him; he's a Union officer - do your job!
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.

Stan: Roger's a dirty cop. He's been on the force for three hours.

[Samantha smokes weed on a penis-shaped bong]
John: Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted: Yeah, Sam. This, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we wanna get high too.
John: I don't have any papers or nothing.
Samantha: Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.
[giggles]
Samantha: It's so stupid. Here, try it.
John: Uh, no.
Samantha: Why?
John: I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
Samantha: Oh, you think this is big?
Ted: [laughing] Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.

Capt. Ed Mercer: [to Kelly, regarding his date with her] You know, I remember having a really great time with you that night. And then when you basically ghosted me, I-I thought it was the end of the world. Turns out, I was right.

[Stan has gone to God to get a second chance]
God: I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.
Stan: What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.
God: Look, everything happens for a reason.
Stan: What reason could there be?
God: Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.
Stan: What?
God: [laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.
[Stan draws a "Heaven Gun", which can kill anything]
Stan: We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!
God: Not gonna happen.
Stan: You have to!
God: Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?
Stan: No. Yes. I don't know.
God: Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.
Stan: I don't do that!
God: Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I mean, I can't even think of a metaphor that's better than this. And I'm a published poet. Now, come on. Put it down.

Stan: [yelling at Steve] Stop flipping channels yesterday!

Stan: [about Jim James, the lead singer from My Morning Jacket] He makes Enya sound like a Russian couple arguing at the bowling alley.

Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch.
[gives Steve the doormat]
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
[Barry's watch beeps]
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!

Stan: Mr. President, I'm sorry. I just thought if you fudged in the pool, maybe people would stop laughing at me.
Barack: Oh, man. You can't worry about what other people think of you. Do you know how mad the black community gets at me because I don't smoke menthols?

Kelly: I have an idea.
Ed: What is it?
Kelly: Let's give him the device.
Ed: What?
Kelly: Dr. Aronov, can you preset the field to fire up at a specific intensity the moment the Krill activate it?
Dr. Aronov: I think so, but why?
Kelly: And the field can accelerate time a hundred years. Correct?
Dr. Aronov: Yes, it can.
Kelly: About how long it takes a redwood to grow.
[Ed remembers the redwood seed Dr. Aronov gave him earlier]

[last lines]
Stan: Hey, you still play golf, right?
Brett: Stan, I'm a Satanist, not a poor person.

Yaphit: [after Kelly reports Dr. Finn's disappearance] Did she say Claire's missing?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah. How soon can you guys be done here?
Steve: Sir, we're still at least two days away from finishing the upgrade.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, it's gonna have to wait. John, report to the bridge, set a course for Dr. Finn's last known coordinates.
Lt. John LaMarr: Uh, well, how am I supposed to do that? You see that pile of crap on the floor? That's our navigational array.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, you're just gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way. Star charts.
Lt. John LaMarr: [sarcastic, under his breath] Oh, great.
Yaphit: Do not get us lost, man.

Roger the Alien: Um, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take Qurchhhh upstairs and
[makes a spit sound]
Roger the Alien: all over her.

Donald: [Sutherland saying to a lady at a restaurant] You know, you should get involved in politics. Let's talk about it over drinks. Maybe at my place?
Stan: [Stan listening in to Sutherland's conversation] Let's talk about it over your brains. Maybe all over the place?

Roger: Chaz, can you take me home? My tummy doesn't feel so good. I should have just had sex with that mayonnaise.

Hayley: [to Stan] How's Tanqueray doing? Is she a dry cleaning mogul? Is she getting "a de-luxe apartment in the sky"?
Stan: I don't know if that's funny enough for you to leave on!

Roger: So let me understand this wrestling thing. The goal is to lie on top of another man against his will for three seconds in a bathing suit. Is this a high school sport or my trip to Cancun?

Roger the Alien: [while clinging to Francine] Hugs, not drugs. That's what I say. I'm also on drugs.

Doctor: Steve, I spoke to your father, and he informs me you have a growth you wouId Iike me to ''take care of."
Stanley: You know, that ''inside zit'' we talked about.
Steve: So you want me to get rid of it. But I thought we were conservatives.
Stanley: We are, in America. Down here, we're just Juan and Pedro Gomez, orange farmers from Oaxaca, who've come in for a delicate procedure.
Steve: Okay, Dad. I know if Mr White found out you had a pregnant son, he'd be aII and you'd be all, "Every freakin' time!" So I won't have this baby.
Stanley: Wait. You think that's what this is all about? Beating Chuck White? Am I that awful?
Steve: Dad, we're in Mexico. I'm in stirrups.
Doctor: And I've been drinking.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Um... I just wanted to be the one to tell you... I'm seeing Janel Tyler.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I know.
Capt. Ed Mercer: [surprised] What?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Come on, really? I see the way you smile when she walks onto the bridge. I know your smiles. You have 15. Three are for happiness, 11 are passive-aggressive, and one is for being in love. I've seen it before, you know.
Capt. Ed Mercer: What are you, Jane Goodall?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Yeah, and you're the primate.

Stan: [to Steve] What are you doing?
Steve: Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?
Stan: I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.

[Ted enters the New York Comic-Con and bumps into Guy, who is dressed as The Tick]
Guy: Hey, Ted!
Ted: Guy?
Guy: I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted.
[Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]
Rick: Hey, how are you doin'?
Ted: Hey, what's going on?
Guy: What are you doing here?
Ted: [sighs] You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?
Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.
Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds.
[Guy stops a guest passing by]
Ted: Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh?
[Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]
Ted: Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there.
[noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]
Guy: Right on. You too, man.
[Guy looks at his hands]
Guy: God dammit, that underwear had shit on it!

Lt. Gordon Malloy: [see Commander Grayson takes a drink in one gulp] Whoa! Commander, you might wanna pace yourself, we're only in the 1800s.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Eh, don't worry about me, I'll make it.
Ensign: Have you been through the whole simulation?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Almost. The pub crawl through history is a classic in my family. My dad once made it from ancient Greece all the way to the Water Wars.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I've gotta say, I've never understood the "pub crawl." We're here, we're drinking. The booze is gonna be exactly the same at the next place.

Roger the Alien: [to Klaus] Remember we were watching CSI, I said I want to do that, you said you totally should, ring a bell?
Klaus: No. Are you sure you weren't high on angel dust and talking to the ceiling fan?

Stan: Oh, you're off the hook, Steve. I know you never bought into the whole Nicaraguans-Russians-and-Cubans-invading-Colorado thing. Besides, I've got Barry now. I don't need you... per se.
Steve: You don't need me?
Stan: Per se, Steve. Geez, doesn't anyone appreciate Latin anymore?

Stan: We're moving. The house is moving, I see that now.

Roger: Maybe you should just give up on your dad. Face it he's a douche, and I would know. I used to run Human Resources for Summer's Eve.

Roger the Alien: Here's a condom. Don't use it. Do what I do. Pretend to put it on, then hide it in your poop cannon.

Isaac: I believe what we have encountered is a planet locked in a multi-phasic orbit.
[in the conference room with all the senior staff]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay, let's pretend I don't know what that is.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Do you know what that is?
Capt. Ed Mercer: I do not.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: So, we could just say that.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Thanks, buddy.
[sarcastically]

Capt. Ed Mercer: Isaac, analysis of that star cluster.
Isaac: An OB association, approximately two million years old. 78 blue giant stars, along with several dozen F, G, and K stars in later stages of evolution.
Ensign: Reminds me of Vegas.
Admiral: Any life signs?
Isaac: I am detecting 347 habitable planets, but so far, no indications of intelligent life.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Wow, it really is Vegas.

Stan: What do you want, Hayley?
Hayley: I just wanted to give you a store-warming present. A bag of my mulch. It's filled with crap, just like you.
Stan: Now, that is funny enough for you to leave on.

Stan: We're going to their tepee in crap-hole Arizona.

Roger the Alien: Oh, Ernest and Julio Gallo, you make a glorious wine, and a handsome couple!

Stan: So she lies. Great. That's how you know she doesn't have a penis.

[at the "Aids Hotcakes" kiosk]
Jimmy: How come no one is buying your hotcakes, Mr. Aids?
Mr. Aids: Because I'm Irish, Jimmy. Because I'm Irish.

Hayley: What do you know about Henry Kissinger?
Roger the Alien: Well, I know he was a Jew, but if you get me some Churros, I can stretch that out to 500 words easy.

Ted: Oh, newsflash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis.

[Unrated version only, John lists a long list of fictional last names in rapid order for Ted's last name]
John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golightly, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Ted: Clubber Lang!
John: FUCKING...
Ted: Hahaha!

Dick: When I was your age we had to work harder than this!
Stan: When I'm your age I want to be dead for ten years.

Meter: [When Stan beats up a meter maid for writing him a ticket] Please stop.
Stan: Sorry. I already started.

Stanley: Guys, I can explain! I was lying to you!

Francine: [after finding out Stan's been lying about his father] I can't believe you lied to me all these years.
Stan: And the best part is I'm still lying about a bunch of other stuff!

Stan: [thinking] All right, Stan, don't make a scene. Just say something witty and exit on the laugh.
[yells]
Stan: So jealous!
[smacks his head on the table and falls]

Stan: [after Francine brings home a dog] What the hell is that?
Francine: This is Fussy. His owner was killed, and he needs a home.
Stan: No way, Francine! We're Smiths, and Smiths have manly dogs. This dog couldn't be any more effeminate, even if it had 20 vaginas, and then it would just be a freakish mutant or a beautiful symbol of fertility.

Stan: [to Bullock about Hayley] Sir, I have to tell her it's not just a stupid dream. She needs to know about "Project Daycare."
Avery: That you let her be brainwashed and trained as a sleeper agent for the CIA? Oh, yes, that's sure to put a puff in her petticoat.
Stan: I never meant to hurt her. I thought it'd be fun to have a father-daughter spy team.
Avery: Yes, that does sound like fun, but as we learned from "Alias", the idea gets tired very quickly.

Stanley: [after swallowing a self-destructing letter] I'm pooping blood tonight.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Ambassador, the Moclans and the Krill can't stop the Kaylon alone and you know it. Moclus would be destroyed. But that little planet inside the nebula might just be insignificant enough to fly under the radar. And if that happens, the only Moclans left in the galaxy would be female. But hey, you'd still be a single-sex species.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] Dressed already? Where you going?
Stan: I was... uh, gonna... gonna get some coffee.
Roger the Alien: Ooh, sounds like heaven. I'm also a little "nibbly nib." You wanna grab some brunch?
Stan: Uh, w-we should... we should probably just head on home. Can I... uh, have my shirt back?
Roger the Alien: Oh, boo. It's so comfy. Tell you what. Why don't I give it back to you after I wash it?

Francine: [while Francine fights with Stan, who is inside the avatar] I can't believe you'd do this, Stan! This stops now!
Stan: Get out of here, Francine. This is the only way I can remain close to Steve. We were finally spending quality time together and then he was gonna dump me for that nerd, and I just won't lose him again! Must get plowed by son.
Francine: No, Stan, this isn't the way! You might've missed his first 14 years, but you can still be there for his next 14.
Stan: He's gonna die at 28?
Francine: Maybe. Maybe sooner.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: One Twinkie.
[the food synthesizer creates a Twinkie]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Really?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: What?
Capt. Ed Mercer: We almost got killed gettin' this thing and you're having a Twinkie?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I wanted a Twinkie. You want half?
Capt. Ed Mercer: *Yes* I want half.

Francine: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve: We could go skiing!
Stan: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game - just hear me out - I order boneless wings from KFC - hang on to that thought, Hayley - I take a long bath and then, wait for it... none of you are here!
Francine: Or - just hear me out - we stay home and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off, I'll slam a book on your testicles.
Steve: [pause] Did someone say skiing?

Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay then. Go Dolly.

Francine: Thank you for seeing us, Principal Lewis. My husband is just a teeny bit concerned that Steve may not be ready for sex education.
Stanley: That's right. My wife didn't spend 36 hours squeezing Steve from her birth canal so you could shove his face right back in there!

Stan: Oh son, every day with you is like a punch in the nads.

Stan: You had to remember
Mercyville: Come on, you're not gonna kill me just cause I know your secret
[Stan enters the Smith's new house with his shirt covered in blood]
Stan: So this place isn't working out

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I leased the restaurant truck like you wanted!
Stan: Is it Arctic White?
Roger the Alien: Yeah. It's weird how white it is. Weirder than one of those white dog poos.
Stan: Oh, yeah, those are weird. Have you ever seen a dog lay one of those?
Roger the Alien: No. Just seen them on the grass.
Stan: Me too.

Stan: I might just make a holiday yet. Then I'll have kiss-my-ass money.
Hayley: This is outrageous.
Stan: Kiss my ass, Hayley!

Roger the Alien: I wish Francine would buy me something other than Coppola wine. Tastes like beard hair and Sofia sweat.

Mike: [to a baboon] A penny? How dare you! I happened to have studied in the Lincoln School of Music!

Steve: Dad! There you are.
Stanley: [nervously] Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.
Stanley: [laughs] Well said, soldier.

Capt. Ed Mercer: The universe is not governed by individual perception; it matters what's true.

Stan: [to George W Bush] Is it true that you can make Tony Blair do anything you want? Like if you said he had to eat a bug, he'd eat it even if it had lots of legs?

Ed: And finally, Isaac, our science and engineering officer, hailing from Kaylon 1.
Isaac: Affirmative, sir.
Ed: You know, I got to tell you, I was surprised to see any Kaylon serving in the fleet. Aren't you guys legendarily racist?

Stan: I don't know why Francine's so mad about me for always being right. I don't get mad at her for always being wrong.
[pause]
Stan: Boobs are holding up nicely for a gal her age, I'll say that.

Francine: Maybe you should take Steve
Stan: Steve who? Steve Guttenberg, that would be a road trip, picking up tail, signing autographs, all the best love Mahoney

Stan: [to Steve] Son, good grades won't get you anywhere in life. You only get places through athletic accomplishments.
Steve: Well, what about Bill Gates?
Stan: Before he blew out his ACL and had to do computers, Bill Gates rushed for over 300 yards a game.
Steve: Uh, I don't think that's right, Dad.
Stan: And I don't know the recipe for apple pie, but that didn't stop me from making one.

Francine: Stan, you were supposed to give up yelling for New Year's.
Stan: But I love yelling! It feels good and it's good for you. That's why Sam Kinison lived so long.

Stan: You brought Fat into our house!

Stan: [to Francine] Just because snow is the same color as our refrigerator doesn't mean you know how it works.

Stan: Stop. Where's Roger?
Roger the Alien: I left in the middle of the song. It turned into all gibberish, and I won't be a part of it.

Roger the Alien: [to Klaus] Oh, geez. So you were in here last night?
Klaus: I tried to look away, but I couldn't. It was so horrible. Like looking at the ass of God.

Stan: Well, I think I'm fully strapped.
Klaus: There might be some room left in the vast wasteland between your testicles and anus, hmm?
Stan: Nope, occupado.
[pulls out a spiked ball and chain]

Stan: Steve, your mom and I are paying a lot of money for you to go to this school.
Steve: More like so you can go! All you care about is taking me there so you can be friends with that senator.
Stan: Friends? Did he use that word?
Steve: God, you're embarrassing! But you're gonna be way more embarrassed if you make me go back there. I'll act like a wolfman.
Stan: No, you won't.
Steve: I'm a wolfman. My dad is Stan Smith. Don't put him on any task forces!
Stan: You wouldn't do that!
Steve: And I'd pant real fast! Wear makeup under the eyes. Is that what you want, Dad? You know I got the pipes!
[makes a howling noise and the monster hunter breaks through the window]
Monster: Die, demon of the night!
Stan: I was joking!
Steve: He was joking!
Monster: What? Don't joke about that.
Steve: I won't!
Stan: We won't!
Monster: I do a serious job. I don't need this.
Stan: We really appreciate everything you do.

Roger the Alien: [singing] I'm gonna eat some bread. Gonna eat my potato bread. Gonna eat some p-o-t-a-t-o-t-o-t-o bread. Potato Bread!

Klaus: [when Steve doesn't let Roger in his band] Oooh, he shut you down. What are you gonna do, cry?
Roger the Alien: No, I'm gonna walk out of here 'cause I have legs.

Stan: [Talking to Steve about finishing runner-up] We got destroyed. Dick accidentally pushed a weird button and we got stuck in the options menu.

Stan: I just feel so violated by the fact that that thing was inside of me. It would mean a lot to me if I could have the first cut.
Avery: All yours, Smith.
Roger: [screaming] No! Don't put that mask on me! I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!
Stan: I'm doing what has to be done.
Roger: [screams as Stan turns on the gas and is knocked out] Huh. He reversed the gas. Son of a bitch Superman 2'ed me!

Roger the Alien: Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing cause that's a giant load of crap.

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [after passing through the spatial anomaly] Damage report.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Multiple hull fractures, nine overloaded power conduits, and Ensign Davis spilled soy sauce on his pants.
Capt. Ed Mercer: He put that in a damage report?
Lt. Alara Kitan: Yes.
Capt. Ed Mercer: My god, we got to get better people.

[Lt. Malloy is flying the two in a shuttle. They are soon boarding the Orville for the first time]
Lt. Gordon Malloy: So, how many ships in the fleet these days?
Captain: About 3000, spread over the whole quadrant. Which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually... what is that? Is that a beer?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yeah.
Captain: You're drinking a beer?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, I wanna make a good impression.
Captain: It's 9:15 in the morning.

Hayley: Ya know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies can come up with a fun new system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear!
Stanley: Do you like shaving your armpits, Hayley? 'Cause when the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go!

Roger the Alien: Oh, what fresh Hell is this?

Jewel: I had this boyfriend. He was in an avalanche. He survived three days on melted snow and his grandfather found him because he had a dream about the exact spot where he was trapped.
Roger the Alien: Wow! You had a boyfriend?

Roger the Alien: Oh, Franiel!

Francine: How's your French toast, honey?
Stanley: Smelly and ungrateful! But this "American toast" is fantastic!

Stan: Steve, your mother will be raising you which unfortunately means that your life will suck worse than Nicolas Cage in "Ghost Rider."

Roger the Alien: [throughout his chase with Jeff and Hayley] Myah! Myah! Myah!

Stanley: We can't choose our fathers, but we can choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit.

Roger: Why does everyone hate the juice?

Stan: [to his family] We can be together again! I've got a plan.
Roger the Alien: Does that plan include explaining why a footless blind man is giving an expert bajowski to our baggage handler?
[looks outside the window]
Roger the Alien: Admire the skills!

Ted: Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
John: No, she wasn't.
Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha: What are the "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

Francine: [to Stan] How come every time we go to a party you push me in the pool!
Stan: Everyone's always afraid to be the first one in the pool. You're that girl. You're the party starter.
Francine: My purse tampons were floating in the water!
Stan: People were impressed by how big they got.

Roger the alien: She's as graceful as a frozen turd.

[Roger and Stan pretend to meet for the first time at the CIA]
Roger: What's your name?
Stan: [through clenched teeth] Stan.
Roger: Hmm, I already know a 'Stan'. I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee.
[Stan doesn't move]
Roger: Today, Mortimer James!
[turns to Bullock]
Roger: I add his middle name when I'm disappointed in him.

Stan: I'm so sick and tired of that job. I want to be my own boss. I want to make so much money that I can tell people they can kiss my firm white ass. That's the American dream.

Roger the Alien: [when he meets his old family, the Logans] Why did you leave me like that?
Brad. Logan: You rented a room from us and refused to pay.
Roger the Alien: I paid you in laughter!
Jenny: We were afraid of you!
Roger the Alien: Jenny, you better shut up right now or I will cut your face.

John: You piece of shit. Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? Huh, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?
Donny: You don't deserve him, John. You never did. YOU NEVER DID!
John: I've been wanting to do this for a long time.
Ted: Aha! I fucking knew it!

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: If you will excuse me, I am late for my daughter's arranged wedding. She will learn to love him.

Stan: [Looking at Hayley] You're patient zero of this yawn outbreak.

Francine: Whoa, Roger. You know you can't leave the house.
Roger the Alien: Everyone else gets to.
Francine: Well, everyone else isn't an alien, now are they?
Roger the Alien: Whoa! Somebody had a big piece of grouchy pie this morning.

Stan: [Speaking to Francine over the phone] Still haven't found that blabbermouth. But when I do I'll kill him so hard that Death will throw me an ice cream party.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You just need a little dose of fun. Go out and act like a kid. Wipe your nose on your sleeve, eat Cheerios out of a Baggie, touch a urinal, then touch your face.
Stan: Yeah, okay.
Roger the Alien: Ride the back of a dog and pretend it's a pony, get an ear infection...
Stan: All right. I understand, Roger.
Roger the Alien: Spit on a jellyfish, get a stuffed rabbit and name it Rabbit-O, touch penises with a neighbor boy.

Capt. Ed Mercer: You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me. And despite all of your claims that you still care about me, not once have you even said, "I'm sorry".
Pria: It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.

Roger the Alien: [after Francine destroys Roger's painting of Hayley] My art! You've destroyed my drawing of Hayley.
Steve: Hayley?
Roger the Alien: It's obvious what you have to do, Steve. You have to kill yourself.
Steve: What? Why? Nobody saw.
Roger the Alien: God saw. Everyone in heaven saw. Aunt Sadie, Great Gram-Gram, Star Trek's James Doohan...
Steve: Scotty saw?
Roger the Alien: Scotty watched the whole damn thing.
[Steve starts crying]
Hayley: You know what, Roger? This whole thing is your fault. I am gonna kick your ass!
Roger the Alien: You think you got a shot, porn star? Then bring it.
[Hayley punches Roger in the stomach]
Roger the Alien: I wasn't ready. This is how Houdini died!

Stanley: [passing out after being shot] Hayley, tell Roger... he's annoying.

Stan: I'm having a spiritual crisis. What do you do when your best friend doesn't believe in God?
Father: Well Stan, we're hardly best friends.

Stan: Now, make me that breakfast you owe me.
Klaus: Right away. But first, let me ask you something. How many eggs should I eat to get enough energy to plow your wife?
Stan: Uh, three should do it... What?
[Klaus knocks Stan unconscious with a frying pan]

Roger: I'm a docent, Stan. If he breaks your record, I'm out of a job and I will not go back to Relax the Back. I repeat, I won't go back to Relax the Back as long as Douglas works there, and we both know Douglas is going to work there for the rest of his life.

Stan: Francine, good news. I'm in charge of planning Bullock's party, which means you're in charge of planning Bullock's party.

Roger the Alien: [Talking to Snot] I knew your dad. We were blood brothers. I gave him hepatitis.

Stan: Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times! No smoking in the house!
Roger: And I told you it's menthol, so it's healthier than an apple.

Capt. Ed Mercer: And truthfully I'd really just like to date somebody's who's not a Krill.

Stan: [to George W Bush] Is it true that you can make Tony Blair do anything you want? Like if you said he had to eat a bug, he'd eat it even if it had lots of legs?

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] Face it, I'm Ferris Bueller and you're my jealous, big-nosed, sour-faced sister Jeanie.

Stan: [to Hayley about Jeff] Just because you married him doesn't make him a part of my family.
Hayley: Actually, it does, Dad, and you need to accept that.
Stan: Hayley, the only thing I have to accept is that socially I can't wear mascara even though it makes my eyes pop like firecrackers.

Jack: Now son, breaking in to a safe is like making love to a woman.
Stan: So, we should just pound on it for like two minutes?

Stan: Just because we're in Saudi Arabia doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!
[Referring to Stan's obsession with the TV show "Lost"]

Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm sorry. We had no choice.
Teleya: Where are the children?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Arrangements have been made to return them to their families on Krill.
Teleya: And what about me?
Capt. Ed Mercer: I don't know. But I can promise you that you won't be harmed.
Teleya: You will forgive me if I have difficulty believing that from the man who just killed my crew.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Our mission was in the interest of peace. But your crew was going to murder 100,000 people. What the hell else could I have done?
Teleya: Why did you save the children?
Capt. Ed Mercer: They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.
Teleya: After what they saw you do today... they will be. They will be.

Capt. Ed Mercer: [referring to a jammed door] Talla, you want to open this jar of pickles?

[Stan is about to shoot Roger; Francine, Hayley and Steve stand in the way]
Stanley: Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all!
Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Stan: [Stan is mingling] Best looking guy in the group
[a better looking guy enters]
Stan: uh no this guy is, why don't you go find another group handsome

Roger: All right. I didn't want to do this.
[puts two toilet plungers on his chest]
Roger: Plunger boobies! Oh, my God! Could you imagine if I really had nips like these? I'd like to think I'd find love.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Kelly! Kelly, wait! Hey, listen - I don't want to play the blame game here.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: That's because you're the one to blame.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Look, we all made mistakes.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Nobody made mistakes but you.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Let's not do the "I told you so" thing.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I told you so numerous times.

Roger: Small bills are in the safe. The rest are in my ass.

Roger the Alien: And now Francine's in prison and it's all because I lost my edge. I'm washed up. I'm done.
Judge: Listen to yourself. Your friend's locked up and all I hear is " I, I, I".
Roger the Alien: Wow. You missed a ton of what I said.

Stanley: Francine, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?

Kelly: We have Monopoly, you can be The Car.
Ed: Oh Kel, I'm always The Car.
Kelly: Yes, but maybe this once, since he's our guest.
Ed: You can be The Thimble

Ed: You know, I've done a pretty good job getting over all this in the past year, and I'm over it, so why don't you tell me what the hell you're doing here?
Kelly: I heard about your promotion. I also heard there was no XO available, and you know how the fleet admirals are. They don't like to see a captain on his own for too long. And I figured I'd wronged you so badly that if there was something good I could do for you, it'd help me atone in some way. So I requested a transfer. I literally bailed on my own crewmates to come here.
Ed: Well, you bailed on a whole marriage, so I imagine that was a piece of cake for you, huh?

Stan: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
Francine: So, the block party starts at 3:00pm and goes 'till question mark. It's pot luck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan: But not smallpox.
[laughs]
Stan: Kidding. Kind of joking, but not really.

Stan: [to a photo of George W. Bush] Who's going to take over when I'm enjoying a glorious Reagan-style slide into dementia? What do you think? You're the smartest person I know. I mean, I've always respected you, even when you were drinking and doing all that coke.

Stan: Now, while I'm gone, I need you to manage my fantasy basketball team.
Francine: Can I make any trades?
Stan: No. Just set the lineup.
Francine: Stan, you need a power forward.
Stan: I have Dirk Nowitzki.
Francine: He's soft, Stan. You need a thug. You need Ron Artest.
Stan: I don't want Ron Artest. You know what, forget it. I'll have Steve set my lineup.
Francine: Fine. Let that nerd set your lineup. Watch you lose.

Roger: The arm is disbombed... Damn it.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, God, that is a lot better than Bortus' poo drink.

Stan: [while on the phone] Hi. I have to sell my house because my neighbors don't like me. Yes, that's the only reason. Well, I guess you and I have different definitions of silly. Remind me to never go to the circus with you.

Roger the Alien: [to Jeff after he mugs him] Is that the "come back and kick me" whistle?

Teleya: If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Defect of my species. We never give up hope. Just do me a favor, okay? Take a message back to your people: We can keep fighting each other, or we can talk.

[Ted runs away from Donny all over the New York Comic-Con, then he hides among a display of similar teddy bears. Donny sees the display]
Donny: You know, I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along.
Donny: [singing] Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you, Sweet Caroline...
[Ted suddenly reacts to the song, giving himself away among the teddy bears]
Ted: Bah, bah, bah!
[Donny lunges at him]
Ted: Fuck! Crazy son of a bitch!
[Ted struggles to escape by punching Donny, but Donny punches back]
Vendor: Hey! What are you doing to that bear?
Donny: I'm sorry, I uh,
Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!
Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.
Donny: Okay. I have $40 here.
[Donny gives the vendor his money before walking away with Ted]

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Hey. You awake, too?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah. Can't sleep. They were wrong about the Opsadda. It does come out.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: What?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Nothing.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: My god, what happened to your hand?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, this. I was playing a Mochlan game with Bortus. What's insane is apparently I won.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: You should go down to sickbay and get that fixed.
Capt. Ed Mercer: The explanation for how this happened is not something I want on file.

Steve: [to Roger] Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed and it's my fault.
Roger: All because you refused to do the heist my way.
Steve: How would you doing a goofy accent have changed anything?
Roger: We'll never know now, will we?

Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm not going to let our last meal be a Twinkie.

Roger the Alien: [as he's riding in Henry's bike] This is one sweet ride. What is she, a Huffy? Baby, you treat me so fine.

Yaphit: I want to know why you guys put John in charge of the science team instead of me.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Commander Grayson and I both feel that Lieutenant LaMarr deserves to be in the running for chief engineer.
Yaphit: What? You gotta be kidding me. What the hell has that son of a bitch ever done to deserve...
Capt. Ed Mercer: No final decisions have been made, and I am aware that you're next in line for the job, but we have our reasons for considering him.
Yaphit: It's 'cause I'm gelatinous, isn't it? You guys can't handle the thought of a gelatinous person in charge of a department.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yaphit, that's not it.
Yaphit: This is so racist, man. You're so friggin' racist.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I am not. I have several gelatinous friends.
Yaphit: This is a bunch of crap, man. This is total crap. Permission to return to duty.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Granted.
Yaphit: [stopping at the door] You know what? There was less crap in Bortus' colon.

Jim: [to Stan about Francine] Hey, is- is this your daughter?
Stan: Wife.
Jim: [impressed] Damn!

Capt. Ed Mercer: We rescued this woman. Wha... What do you think, she crashed her own ship just so she could come here and do free laundry?

Capt. Ed Mercer: What, um What was it you said that made her walk out?
Cassius: Oh well, I was actually defending you and she said I was being too evolved. And I told her to calm down.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Ooooo, you didn't say calm down?
Cassius: I did.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Ooooo.

Steve: [walking in a carnival with Roger] You spent all your money trying to win a hat with antlers?
Roger: [angrily] I do not choose to discuss it.
Fortune: [pointing at Steve] I see a very lucky boy.
Steve: Wow, really? Will you tell my fortune?
Roger: Steve, before she tells you your future, let me tell you her past: forty years of alcoholism and three doctorless abortions.
Fortune: You are a sad, angry little person.
Steve: That's uncanny!
Fortune: What would you like to know?
Steve: Uhm... I don't know. I guess just if there's anything special about me or...
Fortune: Yes! You are special. I - I see it!
Steve: Wow!
Roger: Steve, she's just repeating whatever you say.
Steve: You're just jealous because I'm special and you're not. You're boring and regular.
[walks off]
Roger: Uh! "Regular"? Oh, Steven... I'm going to hurt you so bad.
[to the fortune teller]
Roger: I got a question about the future: you see yourself taking a shower ever?

Cinema: That'll be eight fifty.
Stan: Eight fifty? In the newspaper it said five fifty.
Cinema: That's when the movie starts sir. That's why you showed up at five fifty.
Stan: Feel good? Feel like a big man?

Capt. Ed Mercer: Yaphit, what are you doing here?
Yaphit: I have a grievance.
Capt. Ed Mercer: How'd you get into my office?
Yaphit: I'm gel.

Steve: [about Ronald Regan] But he's dead?
Stan: But not unreachable
Steve: Like Gandalf the Grey when it came back as Gandalf the White
Stan: Oh son, every day with you is like a punch in the nads

Customer: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...
Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No. No. You should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.
Customer: And... I won't be followed?
Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

Stan: Ah, Damn autocorrect. It changed "doc gave me meds" to "dog gave me AIDS". Let me juuuust... send. Damn it! "dong gave me AIDS". Let me juuuust...

Francine: Stan, help me. I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs. They found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me.
Stan: A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9\11, I wouldn't have believed it, or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions, but that's just not the world we live in anymore.

Roger the Alien: [as Chinese restaurant manager] Where you been? You so late. You take "bicyc-quow", make delivery.
Steve: What are you talking about?
Roger the Alien: Bicyc-quow!
Steve: What happened to the gym?
Roger the Alien: Oh, Chinese restaurant much more profitable.
Steve: But I paid for a month membership. I want my money back.
Roger the Alien: Oh, so sorry. You don't read fine print on contract. "In event gym turn to Chinese restaurant, you bicyc-quow delivery boy."
Steve: I'm not delivering your Chinese food on a bicycle.
Roger the Alien: A what?
Steve: A bicycle...... . a bicyc-quow.
Roger the Alien: You ride bicyc-quow!

Stanley: Francine, remember the agreement we've made that we could do one person and it wouldn't count?
Francine: Yes. You picked Susan Sarandon.
Stanley: I've changed my mind! I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.
Francine: Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us!

Francine: Roger, what the hell did you do? Where's Meredith?
Roger: Francine, everything's fine now. I put her on a barge, and now I'm her.
Francine: A barge? You can't take someone's life like this!
Roger: Oh, Franny, we'd draw pictures with red oceans and green skies and be who we wanted! And then play in the sprinklers till Mama called us for supper.
Francine: Are you having a stroke right now? Forget it. I'm stopping this.
Roger: That's barge talk, Francine.
Francine: Roger, I am not going to sit here and
[Foghorn blares; Cut to Francine on a barge]
Francine: Son of a bitch! He barged me.

Stan: It's High School, Steve, it doesn't matter.
Steve: You said that last time, when's it start to matter?
Stan: Never.

Stan: Their laughter can't hurt me if I don't let it, extended fantasy sequence Obama helped me realize that
[He walk into his house, everyone's laughing at him, Stan writes Barack Obama in a book, he closes it to reveal the cover People who gave me bad advice in my extended fantasies]

[At her new stripping job, Hayley's parents stay to watch]
Stanley: Shake it, baby! You will not break it!
Francine: It took me nine months to make it!

Capt. Ed Mercer: What the hell just happened?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I have no idea. Maybe we hit a squirrel or something.
Isaac: There is no evidence of any sciuromorpha rodentia, or other mid-sized rodent.

Stanley: [after the family is infected with a virus, Roger is making plans to redecorate the house] What makes you so sure you're going to survive?
Roger the Alien: Oh, my species is immune to all human ailments.
Stanley: So explain that cold sore.
Roger the Alien: [shouts] Mind your own business!

Stan: [to Steve] So this, uh, detective stuff looks fun. Can I play?
Steve: Um, maybe, Dad, but I'm not sure you understand what we do here.
Stan: No, no, I get it. It's part pretend, part real, fake detectives, real cases, you're in a wheelchair, Roger can walk. W... what's not to get?

Francine: Roger, what's going on with Stan? He's been acting very nervous and secretive.
Roger the Alien: You can add distant and hurtful to that list.
Francine: Something happened in Atlantic City, didn't it?
Roger the Alien: No.
Francine: Roger, look at me. What happened in Atlantic City?
Roger the Alien: Why don't you ask your husband?
[breaks his coffee mug and hides under the blankets]
Roger the Alien: I'll thank you to leave now.

Roger the Alien: Stan, how could you say nothing special happened?
Stan: Because I just want to forget about it, okay? I was drunk, and I made a mistake, and we're never gonna talk about it again.
[Roger gasps]
Francine: What are you boys whispering about?
Stan: Different types of sandwiches!

Quacky: Apparently, Betty Sue was so devastated by losing homecoming queen she walked into a Dunkin' Donuts and never came out. And speaking of coming out, ta-da!
Stan: So that's why you're so pale. This is the first time you've come out of your house. Welcome! This is a necktie and that's a table.
Quacky: No. I'm gay.
Stan: What? My gaydar is totally off.
[looks down at his watch which says "Straight, Curious, and Gay" and the arrow points at "Straight"]
Stan: Damn! SkyMall screwed me again!

Stan: [after Jeff finds out that Roger is an alien] And now that you know, to protect this family, I have to kill either you or Roger.
Hayley: Dad, no! I love him!
Roger the Alien: Thank you. The feeling's not mutual, I find you a little doughy, but...
Hayley: Not you! Jeff!

Roger the Alien as Tearjerker: Is there anything more terrifying than a hovering blimp?

Bortus: Moclans only urinate once per year.
Ed: Really? That's... I mean I'm up two or three times a night.
Bortus: That is unfortunate.
Ed: It is.

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Rudy, Tootie, fresh and fruity! I'm in a pile of doody!

Dr. Claire Finn: You did good, Talla. Really good.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You had big shoes to fill, and I'm not kiddin'. And as far as I'm concerned, you filled them and then some. So, from here on out, you're officially allowed to punch me.
Lt. Talla Keyali: [laughs] Thank you, sir.

Ed: Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me?
[Alara nods, backs up and, with great force, knocks down a section of the wall]
Ed: I loosened it for you.

Stan: [CIA awards] But I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my gym teacher Mr Raglan, who taught me everything I know about seduction!

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God, Stan! How upset are you? Seriously, on a scale from one to pissed? Oh, who gives a flying fig? I'm a star!

Stanley: Sweet Sally Struthers... Sweet Sally Struthers! I can say "Sweet Sally Struthers!"

Stan: [To Hayley] I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, you were aging in reverse and your life would soon be over

Hayley: [about the mall] What kind of idiot would buy into this materialistic crap?
Steve: And we widen to reveal...
Stan: Look at all this cool stuff!

Francine: I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?
Stan: It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorist!" and everyone ran away. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were asking, how did I ruin your party? And I'm like, you were there, baby. You had a front row seat.

Judge: Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.
Ted: Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!
Samantha: Ted, shut up!
Ted: Fine!
[Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]

Ed: All right, Lieutenant Alara Kitan, our chief of security.
Alara: Yes, sir.
Ed: You're Xelayan, right?
Alara: I am, sir.
Gordon: Wait. Don't you guys have, like, super strength?
Alara: Xelaya's gravitational pull is high compared to the planetary average, so, yes, in Earth normal gravity, my physical strength is elevated.
Ed: Lieutenant, how old are you?
Alara: 23.
Ed: You're 23, and you're chief of security on a starship?
Alara: Xelayans don't usually join the military, so when one of us does, the Union generally fast-tracks us.
Ed: Well, I'm... I'm sure they know what they're doing.

Francine: Oh, Stan, you're probably just having a midlife crisis. Do you wanna cheat on me?
Stan: A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on!

Stan: An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!

Stanley: Osama, is that you?

Jeff: Is it such a flaw that I want to hug everyone I see?
Stan: If you're not a Special Olympian, then yes.

Hayley: You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control.
Stanley: You know what I have to say to that?
[pauses]
Stanley: Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.

Roger: [singing to the tune of Jingle Bells] Jingle bells Santa smells, everything's so lame, Christmas time is such a grime
[caroler shoves him]
Roger: Hey don't push me away! Hey!
Snot: [singing] Jingle bells I'm unwell watching others play, they have fun but I am bummed, cuz Santa skips my place
Roger: [drives his car through the mall] Crashing through the mall, cuz I'm driving while I'm baked, but I don't care at all
Snot: [pops up in the car with him] I was crying the whole way
Roger: Ha, ha, ha, ha
[singing]
Roger: See that Christmas tree, all those kids in line, all we see is red and green and a few ugly hate crimes
[drives past a Jewish boy being bullied]
Snot: [singing] Jingle bells hear me yell Jewish gifts are dumb, what's in the box oh it's just socks and not a paintball gun
Roger: [singing] Jingle bells this is hell, Hanukkah's so lame, compared to this it's like a briss, just chop my dick away!

Roger: If I have one more piece of vomit pie, I'm going to pumpkin.

Francine: [If believing she ripped up the contract Stan signed to become a robot] The refrigerator manual
Stan: I'm still Stan

Doctor: When you ran over your wife, twice, it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we in the medical profession call a "husk."
Roger the Alien: I've heard of that.
Doctor: We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental procedure your insurance won't cover.
Stan: That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it.
Doctor: It's $178,000.
Stan: What if l don't need her to talk?

Francine: HonestIy, Stan, what does HayIey have to do with you getting a promotion? It shouId be enough you're good at your job.
Stanley: Yeah, it shouId, but we don't Iive in ShouIdIand. Ah, ShouIdIand, where cIean-cut kids cruise ShouIdIand BouIevard, and the ShouIdIand High team gets their asses kicked by their cross-town rivaI, ReaIity-Check Tech.

Stanley: [Talking to lighter] Soon my pet, soon I will feed you the world.

Roger: Tonight we find out who shot Mr Burns?
[to someone off-screen]
Roger: 15 years ago? Well who was it? Really? The baby?

Stan: [to Hayley] You whore! Music slut! Shaking those ears all over town, letting anyone in!

Captain: You are, Very fragile Captain Mercer, are you aware of this?
Ed: There is an Anti-bullying law named after me, Yes I'm aware of it.

Francine: Stan, let them out. This isn't funny.
Stan: Oh, oh, Linda's making a run for the gate!
[Electrified noise, Linda screams]
Stan: Come on, Francine. You can't tell me that's not funny.

Mike: [playing a card game against the bears] Jackpot, baby! Whoo-hoo! Well, I say we call it a night there, fellas. Hey, put the cash in my car, will ya, Derek?

Stan: [to Sexpun T'come] I'm going over to the Juice Bar. You wouldn't like it, it's not about reliving childhood trauma it's all positive and about Juice.

Stan: [singing along to the music from his phone] What's that sound? It's the calendar on my smartphone. Having fun tonight. Is it dinner, a party or drinks with Tom? Oh, fuck! It's "Coffee with the Principal" at Steve's school.

Roger: Hershel Hershbaum for the defense!
[to Snot]
Roger: Don't you worry, kid. I'll win this for ya. We'll get your foreskin cut off, all right.
Snot: What?

Hayley: [to Stan] What's the deal with the flower?
Stanley: On our wedding day, I placed this yellow flower in your mom's white bouquet. It symbolized her sunshine brightening my otherwise cloudy world.
Hayley: Dad, I've never seen this side of you. It's so sweet.
Stanley: Well, if you tell anybody, I'll kill you.
[he and Hayley laugh]
Stanley: I'm serious. I will kill you. I will reach into your chest, pull out your beating heart and eat it, all of it, every last bit. Well, sweet dreams, angel.

Stan: [about Cookie] How do we sober her up?
Roger the Alien: We don't. She's she is strung out, but she's a heavy user with a massive tolerance, so she might pull it together. She also might die. Either way, I'm eating dessert. I've been very good this week.

Steve: [as he and Stan burst into the sci-fi convention] That's Dan Vebber!
Stanley: Sorry, Vebber. You're going away for a long time, so pack your Baggins!
[crowd groans]
Steve: Dad, I know people here.

[Stan brings home a baby to replace Hayley when she moves out]
Roger the Alien: Is that a Chinese baby?
Stanley: Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.

Roger: [after he gets into a fight with Stan] Don't be starting what you can't finish, bitch.

Teleya: You will find him in the center of Capitol Square. At least his head.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You killed him?
Teleya: Most men who lose their heads tend to die, yes.

Steve: I can't believe we've been walking around all night and couldn't find one crime.
Roger: This neighborhood's gotten too safe since the Blacks moved out. David and Franklin Black. Two white brothers who killed every Mexican in town.

Stan: Sounds like a job for Suck Machine!
Greg: How did you know my high school nickname?

Ted: [At a "Knight Rider" Q&A panel, unrated version] I have a question. Exactly how many beers did you have before you got naked with that hamburger?
David: You know, buddy, we all make mistakes. That was a long time ago and I'm a different guy now.
KITT: You know what, can I just jump in here for a second? You're a real scumbag for asking that question.
Ted: What? It's a fair question.
KITT: No, you know what? You know what? Let me tell you something about this man...
David: KITT, it's all right, just let it go.
KITT: No, no! I want him to hear this. Let me tell you something, after the show ended, I got nothing but shit work, all right? I was playing snow plows, tractors, I was even cast as a lawnmower. Not that was a real low point for me and this man sitting next to me, at this very low point in my life wrote me a check.
David: Aw, come on, pal.
KITT: No, no! I want everyone to hear this because you are a good man, David Hasselhoff! You are a good man. You saved me with your generosity. You are the most-
[KITT's wiper fluid and windshield wipers start up]
KITT: I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional. I just love you, buddy. I just love you so much.
David: I love you too, pal, I really do. I love you.
Ted: So, like twenty-five beers or what?
KITT: [rushing at Ted] You piece of shit! Get out of here!
Ted: Whoa, man! What the fuck?
KITT: You are not fit to breathe the same air as this man!
David: KITT, he's not worth it!
KITT: Get out of here!
Ted: What? He's a celebrity. His personal life is our business.
KITT: Get the fuck out, you piece of dog shit! I will run you down like roadkill!
Ted: I don't have to take this shit from a fucking Pontiac.
KITT: Get out! Get the fuck out!
Ted: You're a psycho, dude. Seriously. You're a psycho. Get some therapy.
KITT: Get out!
Ted: [Ted leaves the room] Crazy son of a bitch. Jesus Christ.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Run every red light.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Yes, sir.

Stan: [Looking at Avery's RV] She's a beauty sir.
Avery: If you ever want to drive around with your poop, this is the vehicle.

Stan: [to Steve after he gets breasts from the steroids] Let's not panic. The CIA scientist gets back from vacation in a few days, so until I get the antidote, we have to keep your magnificient ta-tas underwraps.
Steve: What am I supposed to do now?
Stan: Strap 'em down with these Ace bandages. It's what Hilary Swank used to hide her breasts in "Boys Don't Cry." You know, that movie where she got what she deserved.
[Steve gasps]
Stan: An Oscar! And brutally sodomized...
Steve: Dad!
Stan: In a review by Derek Simms of the Detroit Free Press. Steve, is this really the time for showbiz trivia? You've got breasts!

Stan: Come on, you're not still mad about last night, are you? We met Morgan Freeman, didn't we? You got to shake his hand, Steve.
Steve: I was prying it off my throat.
Stan: Boy, was he riled up! You know he was the narrator in "March of the Penguins." Powerful, powerful piece of cinema. Never saw it.

Ed: [escaping a Krill attack] Doc, is there another way out of here?
Dr. Aronov: There's an old loading conduit, but it's across the atrium.
Dr. Claire Finn: We're gonna have to sprint for it.
Ed: All right, get ready.
Kelly: Doc, stay behind Alara.
Dr. Aronov: Which one's Alara?
Alara: [stepping forward] Oh, I'm Alara.
Dr. Aronov: Sorry. Still learning names.

Stanley: I wanted to thank you all for eIecting me deacon. UnfortunateIy, something unexpected has come up, and I have to abdicate my position.
Whiny: But why?
Stanley: It's a bizarre situation. Not "8 SimpIe Rules let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre", but cIose.

Stanley: [to Steve] So, what do you need to know?
Steve: Um, everything, I guess. I talk a big game, but I actually know very little about sex.
Stanley: Well, you don't have to worry about it, because you're not having it.
Steve: Oh. But I guess I just thought I should know...
Stanley: You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
Steve: Well, I guess not, but...
Stanley: See, if l tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It'll just be a fact: an ugly, moist fact squatting on your brain like an octopus, and you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son?
Steve: No.
Stanley: And that's where babies come from.

Stan: Ten bucks. Ten bucks and you can slap me with it.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I'll take your advice if it's love advice. So my man say he been working late, but then Trina call me and tell me she seen his ass in the club. But then when I ask him about this nonsense, he tells me he loves me. How do I make him tell me the truth, but keep our love million-dollar strong?

Roger the Alien: Floor Spaghetti!
Francine: Floor Spaghetti?
Roger the Alien: [Floor Spaghetti] Floor Spaghetti.

Roger: [while Roger and Francine are dancing and Francine throws Roger off a cliff] I have the car keys in my pocket, you stupid bitch!

Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: [Discussing Claire & Isaac's impending date] A human and an artificial life-form are incompatible. It will not succeed.
Lt. Talla Keyali: How do you know? They could just be two people in love.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, it's not as simple as that. The guy has limitations. I mean, even in the best-case scenario, he's still-
[Isaac enters the room]
Capt. Ed Mercer: -my father, and he'll never be a weightlifter no matter how much his heart is in it.

Stanley: Time for cake.
Klaus: I get the piece with the rose on it. I called it. You heard.
Steve: Mom, cut me an end piece!
Hayley: How can you even think about eating that cake? Do you realize how many innocent cows were raped... or as you say "milked," to make that cake?
Stanley: Shut up, Hayley.

[Barry's watch beeps]
Barry: Time for my vitamin!
[Realizes he ran out of them]
Barry: I should run home and get more.
Stan: You don't need those. Your little candy pills won't make you live forever, will they?
[seriously]
Stan: Will they?

Samantha: Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?
John: Judy Bloome?
Ted: Hitler?
Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John: Who's that?
Samantha: The author.
John: Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?
Samantha: [Sam is confused] What?
Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John: Yeah.
Samantha: No, that's his first name.
Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha: What? No!
John: Well, what does the F stand for?
Samantha: Francis.
Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
Samantha: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
Samantha: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.

Stan: [about Roger's girlfriend] Anyone else kind of hoping she's a midget?
Francine: Well, now that you've put the image in my head, yes, but not the Verne Troyer kind. That's too midgety.

Stanley: [Talking to Roger] You're the Adam Sandler of this house and nobody wants punch drunk love, just give us waterboy

Stanley: I got the promotion, Francine!
Francine: Yes, but you Iost my respect. You're not the man I married.
Stanley: You're not the man I married.
Francine: That makes no sense.
Stanley: It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

Stan: [to Francine as she's in jail] So have you traded bras with your cell mate yet?
Francine: What?
Stan: Like at summer camp.
Francine: You think girls trade bras at summer camp?
Stan: I would. I'd get rid of my ratty old beige bras and trade up for something lacy.

Roger: I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!

Samantha: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.

Bartender: [to Francine] Hey, Mr Fishburne.
Francine: Yo, what up, G? Two fingers.
[to Stan]
Francine: Last time, he mistook me for Laurence Fishburne. I just never corrected him.
Stanley: What a mess! If they find out my son is pregnant, I'll Iose my deaconship and Chuck White wins again!
Francine: Stan, forget Chuck White. Your son is confused and scared, and he needs you.
[the bartender gives Francine a glass of whiskey]
Francine: I said two fingers, bitch!
[slaps the glass to the floor]

Stan: I'm upstairs trying to do our taxes and Steve's abusing the hose.
Francine: Oh, that's embarrassing. Did you walk in on him?
Stan: What?
Francine: You caught him playing with himself?
Stan: Damn it, woman! You always jump to that.

Francine: You've been sneaking out for the last 20 winters to ice skate? How come you've never told me?
Stan: How can you tell someone you love you're a monster?

Capt. Ed Mercer: Man, I hope I'm up to this.

Stanley: [to Roger] You knocked up my boy?
Roger: I warned you I was going through my reproductive cycIe. Oh, and FYI, honey, Steve came onto me.
Stanley: [to Hayley] How couId you do this to me? This is what happens when you give it up for free.
Hayley: Why are you yelling at me?
Stanley: I figured you'd be in this situation, so that's what I prepared for!

Ted: That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."
John: Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

Roger: [to the song "Xanadu"] Xanadu/Can't cry on cue/Now I am here in Xanadu
[to an older lady]
Roger: Here you go, ma'am, I talked to the chef. There's no cream in the soup, just like you asked for.
[back to the song]
Roger: Xanadu... !
Francine: Roger's playing Olivia Newton-John on our cruise ship? Oh, this has Goo written all over it!

Stan: Look, Francine. Your friendship is dead and buried, buried behind the Olive Garden. The one in Richmond.

Gertie: You tell him he's a Carpetbagger!
Roger the Alien: [Drunk] You're a Carpetbagger, Stan! Wassat?

Stan: Francine finally had what she wanted. She was married to a somebody and she was enjoying a taste of the good life. Unfortunately, I didn 't count on her having an appetite. The appetite of a good-life elephant. Does that make sense? It doesn 't need to. I was a meter maid.

Klaus: [to Roger] You're really gonna kill five people over $20?
Roger the Alien: Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed six people over $19?

Isaac: My planet regards humans and other biological life forms as inferior.
Ed: Oh, that's great, thanks.
Isaac: You are welcome.

Roger the Alien: White mission control be all, "Uh, we are clear to initiate landing sequence for space shuttle Atlantis," but black mission control be all, "Get out of the way. Here comes the shuttle!"

Greg: Your book was so inspiring, Mr. Mandela. It made me want to become journalist.
Nelson: I am so happy it spoke to you.
Stan: I don't know what book he's talking about, but I love your movies. Especially "The Bucket List." Whew, it got me. It got me.
Greg: Stan, I think you're mistaken.
Stan: [to Nelson Mandela] Aren't you Morgan Freeman?
Greg: This is Nelson Mandela. Why did you think I was calling him Mr. Mandela?
Stan: I thought it was one of Freeman's many nicknames like Captain Morgan or Freckles.

Stan: Tanqueray, let me break it down for you. Exposing your body for money is wrong. The only people who should see you naked are your mother your doctor and your best friend in third grade. Just that one time. Under the waterfall. Jeremy Davis.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Dude, we're vampire hunters.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Lets go!

Roger: Mardi Gras, bitches! I'm having a party at my bar. I got beads aplenty, so I want to see all your ta-tas! Except you, Hayley. You have the worst boobs. They're like 90% nips. Like two dark castles with tiny little moats.

Johann: You have one fatal flaw.
Hellboy: Oh, I wanna hear this.
Johann: No, you don't. You can't take criticism.
Hellboy: Try me.
Johann: [pokes Hellboy] Can't... take it.
Hellboy: [yells] What's my flaw?
Johann: Your temper! It gets the best of you. Makes you weak, makes you vulnera...
[Hellboy punches him]

Roger: [Seeing Stan hanging by the neck in his office] Stan, are your trying to kill yourself, or thrill yourself?

Stan: It's raining wise men. Hallelujah.

Roger the Alien: It's dick-off time!

Roger: We just saying the first thing that pops into our mind? Ticklemonster
Steve: I know Dad, I put up with this every day at the agency
Roger: Your Ghost Dad's not here!
Steve: Oh no, then who's possessing me?
[Steve stands up out of the wheelchair and slaps Roger repeatedly]
Roger: Stop it, stop it Wheels, Wheels, stop it Wheels' father
[Steve stops and Roger gasps]

Roger the Alien: I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy
Francine: I just feel so sad for those poor actors

Hayley: Hey, Roger, we have something that might cheer you up.
Roger: Don't look at me. I'm hideous! I'm a hideous monster.
Steve: Not anymore.
Roger: Rick Baker's Celebrity Nose Kit?
Steve: They're latex copies of actual celebrities noses.
Roger: [gasps] Just like porn stars do with their genitals.

Stan: I don't negotiate with terrorists.
The: Oh really? Have you ever bought a mattress?
Stan: Okay, you got me.

Stan: [driven mad by the tainted beef he's eating] You boys see these owls?
[starting to swat at invisible owls]
Stan: Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face, I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it!
[starts to screech]
Steve: Okay, that's weird.
Snot: You know, this would never have happened if we went to my house after school, but no!, you guys are too creeped out by my mom's wooden foot.

Roger the Alien: [after Stan accidentally stabs him with the daggers] Ah! You dumb son of a...! No, that's not who Roland is. Hey! You're doing great!

Roger the Alien: [after stopping the show to receive an award for the 1000th vagina joke] Wow. I don't know what to say. Except I'd like to thank vaginas everywhere. They're creepy and I don't know what they're used for but they sure are funny!

Stan: [to Steve] I had a bully once. Stelio Kontos was his name. He was as mean as he was Greek. He made my life a living hell. He totally tormented me. One time, he made me keep a live bat in my underpants all day. Gave me ass rabies. My anus was frothing like a cappuccino. Anyway, that olive-skinned bastard made me into the man I am today.
Steve: The kind that bullies his own son?
Stan: Right

Francine: Stan, I know you're upset.
Stan: Upset? I'm just now finding out my daughter might not even be mine. I can't believe it. I mean, I changed her diapers, I fed her, I clothed her, I got her braces, I sent her to college. Holy shit, that guy owes me so much money.

Stan: [as Steve is flipping through channels on the TV] Steve, please, kindly, please find a movie and stop flipping channels before I wring the last breath out of your very, very, very annoying body.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh, crap.
Capt. Ed Mercer: What? What's "oh, crap"?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Quantum drive is off-line.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Oh, crap.

Steve: Wait a second, that's it! I can sign up for the footballs team! Dad loves sports! I bet he'd love to watch me play!
Roger: Steve, look at those kids. They're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere? I mean with your own legs, not by pressing 'X'?

Lt. Alara Kitan: If you want to be alone, I could take off.
Capt. Ed Mercer: No, no. You're all good.
Lt. Alara Kitan: It's just, um, I see you in here a lot lately, you know, after-hours.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, my god. Don't tell me the crew is talking.
Lt. Alara Kitan: No! No, nothing like that. It's just... look, I know it's none of my business, but if you ever need an ear, I've got two big, pointy ones.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, that's nice of you, but there's nothing I can tell you the whole crew doesn't already know.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Believe me, I get it. I'm used to people talking about my love life.
Capt. Ed Mercer: You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on this ship.
Lt. Alara Kitan: How so?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, we both know we're good at our jobs. And yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.

Stan: [to Johnny] Bam! Dead kid! Mama's crying as she takes your crayon drawings off the fridge!

Mitch: One thing delivering pizzas has taught me is that easy street isn't always the best route.
Steve: So true.
Roger the Alien: Okay, Steve, when people start a sentence with, "What delivering pizzas has taught me," that's the go-ahead to tune out.

Stan: [Speaking to Hayley] Good job honey. Kinda reminds me of early Dylan. Like really early. Like before he learned to play the guitar.