50 Best Lt. Gordon Malloy Quotes

Capt. Ed Mercer: Every moment that I sit in that chair on the bridge, I'm always wondering, "Do I deserve this? I mean, should this be someone else?" And that's something I can never vocalize to any other member of the crew because they would lose confidence. I mean, I can talk to Kelly, but... that's been a little complicated lately. I count on you, man.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Dude, you can always count on me. That's never gonna change. You're my best friend. Nobody's ever gonna come along and mess it up. I swear. I mean, maybe, like, a really hot girl, but other than that, it's rock-solid.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Look, I know I'm not supposed to talk here. And I'm probably gonna get court-martialed, but somebody's gotta call out these assholes.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Gordon, don't.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Every time they cross a line, we let it go because we're scared to fight the Kaylon without them. And every time we compromise, they still act like they're the ones getting the shaft.
Admiral: That's enough, lieutenant!
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [to the Moclans] You treat people like garbage. And then when you get called on it, you bitch and you moan that we're not respecting your 'beliefs'. Well, SCREW YOU and your...
Capt. Ed Mercer: Gordon!
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Sorry.

Isaac: [the Orville is under attack] Deflectors at half power.
Gordon: Sir, I think I can buy us some time 'till we can get the landing party back. Let me wing it here?
Bortus: Proceed.
Gordon: This is something I call "hugging the donkey".
John: You can hug the donkey?
Gordon: Dude, I've been hugging the donkey since flight school.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh wise and powerful Avis, cover the loss of our vehicle.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Have you guys done it yet?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Have we done it? Are you allowed to use that phrase after the age of twelve?

John: Hey, he just left his baby with two drunk dudes.
Gordon: Reminds me of my dad.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Avis. We try harder.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: [Reading condolence note over Captain Mercer's shoulder] "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy." I mean that's - that's terrible!
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm not a writer, okay?

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh, man, I bet this causes cancer.

Ed: Dr. Aronov, this is Captain Ed Mercer. We're about to start sending down your supplies.
Dr. Aronov: Actually, Captain, we... we don't need any supplies.
Ed: I... I don't understand. You requested these supplies yourself, yeah?
Dr. Aronov: I did. I'm sorry. I... I wouldn't have lied unless I had to. Please, come down to the surface. I will explain everything.
Kelly: [the transmission ends] This is really strange.
Ed: Yeah, it's a great way to start things off. Bortus, you have the conn. Lieutenant, you're with us.
John: [Ed, Kelly, and Alara leave] Did you see that dog in the background licking his balls?
Gordon: First thing I saw.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: We are, without a doubt, the weirdest ship in the fleet.

John: So, I heard you've been out of commission for a minute.
Gordon: Well, not out of commission, but, uh, definitely kept on desk duty.
John: Well, what'd you do? I mean, your piloting skills are kind of legendary. How'd you get suspended?
Gordon: I let my cousin shoot a porno in the back of a shuttle in exchange for some pills.
John: W-wait. No. R-really?
Gordon: [laughs] Man, look at your face. No, no, no. I did a... I did a manual override on a tricky shuttle docking and sheared off a cargo bay door. Yeah, nobody was hurt, but 300 crates of authentic autumn squash were sucked into space.
John: Well, that's a lot of damn squash.
Gordon: Yeah. I was trying to impress a girl.

[learning Bortus' digestive system allows him to eat essentially anything]
Lt. John LaMarr: Oh, this is gonna be fun. This is...
Lt. Alara Kitan: Ew!
Lt. John LaMarr: This is gonna be a new fun thing.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Hang on. I'm gonna go find a bag of nails.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: [Malloy realizes that Topa is asking him out on a date, not a casual meal] Ohhhhh.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Yeah, there ya go, Sherlock.

Capt. Ed Mercer: Apparently, the atmosphere of the Krill homeworld is permanently shrouded by a dense cloud cover that obscures 96% of the sunlight from the planet's surface. A world existing in perpetual night.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: No wonder they're so cranky all the time.

Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: The presence of friends and relatives is as important for the Renewal as it is for a Ja'loja.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: How long does this usually take? I mean, like, what's the gist?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: When we arrive on the planet's surface, Klyden and I will disrobe. Once we are fully bare, thus unified with our natural surroundings as we were at birth, Klyden will flee into the forest. Shortly after, I will follow in pursuit. If I catch him, we will share the Sexual Event there among the trees. Our mating vows are thus formally renewed and sanctified in the eyes of Moclan tradition.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I dare all of you not to cry.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: [with John, dressed in colonial outfits and carrying antique pistols] Oh, hey. We have the simulator at 3:00. How much longer are you guys gonna be?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Just give us a minute, okay?
Lt. John LaMarr: Oh, yeah. No, it's fine.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [they turn to leave] Yeah. Why even have reservations?

Lt. Gordon Malloy: What if it's, like, a windy day?

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Sorry, I was in the pee corner.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing like there is with the divorce?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yep, I knew it had to be something like that.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Do you still have the tooth?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: No. It is given to the next mate.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Let me guess: he eats it.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: That is correct.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yes! Man, I'm getting so good at this.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: [while flying a Krill space fighter] Just a walk in the park, Kazansky!

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh, man, pee corner is looking real good right now.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: [Piloting a Krill shuttle and attacking the Kaylon] All right, buddy. Time to wash your mouth out with Gordon!

Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: The ceremony is followed by a celebration, for which the captain has allowed the use of the Orville's mess hall. You are all invited to attend with a mate.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Okay. Any questions?
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Yeah, like, a million, but I'm not gonna ask.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Union Central has granted clearance for the diversion, as the course aligns with Outpost 58, where, as you all know, we're scheduled to take on board our new dark matter cartographer. And Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [snickering, then to Bortus] No, it's... it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: It looks more like egg nog.

Capt. Ed Mercer: As soon as the surge is initiated, meet met at the rendezvous point. Mercer out.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [taking a few steps] Malloy to Mercer.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Mercer here. What is it, Gordon?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Sorry. What's the rendezvous point again?
Capt. Ed Mercer: For god's sake, the bridge, Gordon. We meet on the bridge.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Oh, right, yeah. Got it. Sorry. Brain fart.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yeah, that's what women want: dutiful coitus.

First: [Grabs Ed's hand] Stop. Your hands are soft. I like soft hands.
[to Kelly]
First: Do you use this one for mating?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No. I mean... I don't.
First: I would mate with this one. Would you lend him to me for the evening?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: He's not mine to lend.
First: Well then. No one will object if I take him.
Dr. Claire Finn: Yes, we all would. Men are not commodities, they have rights.
First: I do not understand. Either he is yours to lend or not. If you have no claim to him, I will exert one. He will attend to me this evening.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: That is not how it works here.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I'll do it.

Isaac: The captain does not appear to be pleased at the arrival of his first officer. Why is this?
Gordon: 'Cause she's a total bitch.
Alara: Do you know her?
Gordon: Oh, yeah. They were married.
Alara: No way.
Gordon: She cheated on him.
John: Aw, damn, that's cold.
Gordon: Yeah, so this should be a really fun trip for all of us.
Isaac: Your description of the occurrence indicates unpleasantness, yet you believe it will be fun.
Gordon: I was being sarcastic. It's gonna suck.
Isaac: Suck?
Gordon: Yeah, suck. You know, like, ass, balls.
Alara: What he means is if you don't already drink, you should probably start.

Dinal: Evolution is Blind and Drunk. It stumbles along by trial and error and emerges with a barely adequate excuse for a being.
[Then realized how that sounded, to these " primitive" people]
Dinal: No offense.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: [Dryly] None Taken.

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Ed, there are families down there.
Capt. Ed Mercer: I know.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: They's probably a lot single people, too.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: I guess I just wanted to hear myself say it out loud.

Alara: [explosion outside shuttle] Oh my god, they're under attack!
Kelly: Alara, those are testing zones.
Alara: What are you talking about?
Ed: Malcas's primary industry is weapons manufacturing, so they're a little fast and loose with their research and development.
John: They test explosives wherever the hell they want.
Gordon: [another explosion] Oh, frack!

Capt. Ed Mercer: All weapons are to be kept on stun. We want the clown alive.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Captain?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I think it's only prudent to caution everyone to watch out for pies.
Capt. Ed Mercer: At this point, anything is possible. So, yes... pies, seltzer bottles, balloon animals... be alert.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: I just think if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas it would feel better. You know?
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: You undetstand this isn't a Porsche, right? This is a quantum-drive engine that makes a thousand trillion calculations every milli second.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yeah, I know that.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: [observing Xelayah] You know, it's places like this that make me realize... God, I'm trash. My family's trash.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Is this what you want?

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Dude, we're vampire hunters.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Lets go!

Lt. Gordon Malloy: The right thing is to protect him; he's a Union officer - do your job!
Capt. Ed Mercer: I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.

Captain: What do you want?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Your course is about to take your directly into the path of a spatial anomaly we discovered. We recommend you change your heading immediately.
Captain: Ga'rov ka'lougah!
[phonetic spelling]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Anybody speak Horbalak?
Isaac: Thee direct translation is: "You can shove it up your - "
Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay, got it, got it.
Isaac: Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
Capt. Ed Mercer: No, no, I-I get the gist. Listen - what's your name?
[to the Horbalak captain]
Captain: Blavvahrahg.
[phonetic spelling]
Lt. Gordon Malloy: God that generation has so many Blavvahrahgs.
[phonetic spelling]

Ed: All right, Commander. You have it.
Krill: Excellent. Now, give me the activation code.
Ed: The code is six, alpha, nine, three, seven, alpha, three, zero, zero. Happy Arbor Day.
[when the device is activated, the Krill ship is destroyed by a growing redwood]
Gordon: Wait. What's Arbor Day?
Ed: It's the holiday where you plant the trees.
John: I wouldn't have gotten that.
Gordon: Oh, yeah. No, I didn't get that, either.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: One Twinkie.
[the food synthesizer creates a Twinkie]
Capt. Ed Mercer: Really?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: What?
Capt. Ed Mercer: We almost got killed gettin' this thing and you're having a Twinkie?
Lt. Gordon Malloy: I wanted a Twinkie. You want half?
Capt. Ed Mercer: *Yes* I want half.

Gordon: So, how many ships in the fleet these days?
Ed: About 3,000, spread over the whole quadrant. Which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually not...
[seeing Gordon taking a swig of something]
Ed: What is that? Is that a beer?
Gordon: Yeah.
Ed: You're drinking a beer?
Gordon: Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, want to make a good impression.
Ed: It's 9:15 in the morning.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Vampire clown.
Lt. John LaMarr: Shut up!

Capt. Ed Mercer: Take us in.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Entering Haunted House.

Lt. Talla Keyali: I mean, this has to be the most insane thing that's ever happened on this ship.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: One time I almost died because I humped a statue.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Isaac once cut my leg off.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: And the Captain and Commander, they got put in a zoo.
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Bortus almost crashed the ship because of porn.
Lt. Talla Keyali: I see.

[first lines]
Lt. Gordon Malloy: Okay, let's hear it. How did you dump him? Everyone wants to know.
Lt. Alara Kitan: There's nothing juicy to tell. I just told him that if he couldn't get comfortable with our differences, then there was no point dragging this out.
Lt. John LaMarr: And by "differences", you mean the fact that you could bench press him with one arm.
Lt. Alara Kitan: Apparently, having a girlfriend with ten times your physical strength makes a guy feel emasculated.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Was it a circus clown or a hobo clown or what?
Lt. Alara Kitan: What's the difference?
Lt. John LaMarr: Hobo clowns are the most dangerous because they're hungry.

Ed: All right, Commander, you win. We'll send you the device by remote shuttle. When you receive it, we'll transmit the activation code.
Krill: Do not take long.
Ed: We won't.
Gordon: [about Kelly] Maybe she's not such a bitch.

Lt. Gordon Malloy: Hi, we're the fashion police and these outfits have got to go.