50 Best Patrick Warburton Quotes

[Ted enters the New York Comic-Con and bumps into Guy, who is dressed as The Tick]
Guy: Hey, Ted!
Ted: Guy?
Guy: I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted.
[Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]
Rick: Hey, how are you doin'?
Ted: Hey, what's going on?
Guy: What are you doing here?
Ted: [sighs] You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?
Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.
Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds.
[Guy stops a guest passing by]
Ted: Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh?
[Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]
Ted: Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there.
[noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]
Guy: Right on. You too, man.
[Guy looks at his hands]
Guy: God dammit, that underwear had shit on it!

[Yzma is sleeping in a huge tent, while Kronk is in a tent so small it only covers his waist. Suddenly Kronk jerks awake]
Kronk: The peasant, at the diner!
[pause]
Kronk: He didn't pay his check.
[falls back asleep, but then jerks back up]
Kronk: It's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco in the back of his cart. He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. Oh, yeah, it's all comin' together. Yzma!
[runs into her tent]
Yzma: What?
[Yzma sits up with cold cream on her face and cucumbers on her eyes]
Kronk: [recoiling] Aah!
Yzma: This had better be good!

[Having accidentally turned Kuzco into a Llama instead of having him assassinated as planned]
Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now!
Kronk: What about dinner?
Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.
Kronk: How about dessert?
Yzma: Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
Kronk: And coffee?
Yzma: All right. A quick cup of coffee. THEN TAKE HIM OUT OF TOWN AND FINISH THE JOB!

Audrey: He has this whole other side that is cultured and kind and sensitive but he won't show it to you cause he's afraid you'll make fun of him
Russell: Thank you, I'm a dead man.
Audrey: No. No you are not. Jeff, please tell him you're not gonna tease him.
Jeff: Oh I'd only do that so that he'd see it coming a little less.

Jeff: On Audrey turning his t-shirts into a quilt: You took a bunch of man things and turned it into one big girl thing!

Nathan: [segment "Middleschool Date"] Hello, 9-1-1? Yeah, my friend is bleeding out of her vagina!
Dad: Nathan, Nathan, listen.
Nathan: Why are you laughing at me?

Brad: Yes, it does back up traffic as do all parades but I wouldn't know who to talk to about that.
Jeff: Okay, I have another question.
Brad: Alright, but not another one about Anderson Cooper.
Jeff: With two guys you must be pretty much doing it all the time, right? With no woman there to say no.
Brad: It's still a marriage, there is always someone there to say no.
Adam: So when you're done with sex does one of you want to cuddle and the other one want to watch sport center?
Jeff: And does Jackie get upset when you leave the toilet seat up?
Brad: Why don't you write all these down and I'll get back to you?

Jeff: Don't play dumb with me. It's a game you can't win.

Rip: Archer, what a coincidence; I was just talking about you.
Sterling: With who? Because that bucktoothed little shit doesn't even speak English.
Bucky: I do little bit.
Sterling: No, you don't.
Bucky: And correct syntax is "with whom".

Jeff: When you've been together as long as Audrey and I have it's okay to have separate interests. For instance, she loves going to the theater and I hate it.
Audrey: Hating the theater is not an interest. An interest is something you enjoy
Jeff: I enjoy hating the theater.

[first lines]
[the alarm rings, Jeff his the snooze button]
Jeff: Huh, ten more minutes, nice!

Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.
Kronk: [nervously] Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?
Yzma: [angry] He's still *alive*?
Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.
Yzma: Kronk!
Kronk: Just thought I'd give you a heads-up in case Kuzco ever came back.
Yzma: He can't come back!
Kronk: Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.
Yzma: You think? You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through. Now let's move!

[first lines]
Audrey: I'm glad you guys finally introduced us to Ethiopian food.
Jeff: And now that I've met Ethiopian food, it's time to say goodbye for ever. It feels like it's gonna be a long goodbye.
Audrey: I'm rethinking opening this door.

Jeff: $85 for skin cream?
Audrey: This stuff is amazing. This is it.
[pulls out the tiniest little jar of skin cream]
Jeff: $85 for that tiny jar? What's in it, $80?

Malory: He's alive somewhere, and since you fools can't find him, I called in someone who can. Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.
Rip: Manhunter. Now if that's not the pot calling the kettle black.

Jeff: Don't try to run with the big boy. I've been married for twelve years. You basically threw a ring at a stranger.

Jeff: Marriages that don't end in divorce end in death.

[Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters]
Yzma: Make me the special. And hold the gravy!
Kronk: Check. Pickup!
Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
Yzma: [annoyed] Ooh.
Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
Kronk: Cheese it is.
Kuzco: Cheese me no "likee."
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in!
Kronk: Ah, come on. Make up your mind!
Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought...
Yzma,113594: ...make my potatoes a salad.

[while climbing down a hidden shaft in the pirate fortress]
Sterling: Where the hell does this go?
Noah: I don't know. Down?
Sterling: Wow. You're only a doctoral candidate?
Noah: Hey, guy? My field's anthropology.
Rip: [chuckling] Good luck with the job hunt.
Sterling: Right?
Noah: Not that it's any of your business, but I plan to teach.
Sterling: Anthropology?
Noah: What - yes!
Rip: To, uh, anthropology majors?
Noah: Hey, you know what?
Sterling: Thus continuing the circle of "why bother?"

Jeff: Super sperm.
Adam: And the doctor actually used those words?
Jeff: Yes he did. It's like a koi pond down there.
Russell: Waitress, could you cancel my fish and chips please?
Adam: I thought your boys were slow?
Jeff: Turns out they were just mild mannered like Clark Kent

Yzma: [after knocking Kuzco out unconscious, having turned into a Llama] A llama? He's supposed to be *dead*.
Kronk: Yeah, weird.

Jeff: Where's Adam?
Audrey: Oh, we ran into one of his exes and they took off together.
Jeff: That kid is a special kind of stupid.

[Riley wakes up aboard the seaplane, handcuffed and with a black eye, to find Archer mixing a drink]
Rip: Ehhhh... what the - what the holy - what in holy hell are you doin'?
Sterling: Well, it was gonna be an Old Fashioned, but I couldn't find any bitters, so I, uh...
Rip: Jesus Christ. How long was I out?
Sterling: It's hard to say. After I shaved and stuff, I took a pretty long nap, so...
Rip: Uncuff me, you idiot! Holy God, if we overshot our chance to refuel...
Sterling: I thought you put it on autopilot!
Rip: It just maintains course and altitude! It doesn't know how to find THE ONLY AIRSTRIP WITHIN A THOUSAND MILES SO IT CAN LAND ITSELF WHEN IT NEEDS GAS!
Sterling: Then I, uh... misunderstood the concept.
Rip: Uncuff me!
Sterling: Okay! God! Wait, first promise you won't take me back to ISIS.
Rip: ISIS? You'll be lucky if I can get us back to land! Now uncuff me!
Sterling: Okay! God! Wait a minute, is this a ruse?
[One of the plane's engines sputters and shorts out]
Sterling: Because if it is... pretty elaborate.

[Yzma and Kronk are trapped in a dark locked room in Pacha's house]
ChiCha: What do you mean the door's stuck? Try jiggling the handle.
Yzma: There is no handle in here.
ChiCha: [holding the door handle] There's not? Are you sure?
Yzma: All right, I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground.
Kronk: Er, don't you mean or?
Yzma: [even more angrily] Grr, tell us where the talking llama is *or* we'll burn your house to the ground.
Chaca: Well, which is it? That sounds like a pretty crucial conjunction.

Sterling: [Threatening to throw the emergency beacon out of the lifeboat] I told you, I'm not going back there!
[Riley aims a flare gun at Archer]
Rip: Well, you say that...
[Archer points his pistol at Riley]
Sterling: Riley, no shit, I will shoot you.
Rip: And then I'll shoot YOU with a flare, and then I'll use a D-ration to burn two survival crackers to make s'mores over the crackling fire that used to be your chest cavity.
[pause, then Archer lowers his gun]
Sterling: Goddamn, dude.
Rip: Sorry, but you're actin' really crazy.
Sterling: Well, being a spy makes you crazy! I mean, what kinda job is that, where your fiancée gets murdered? Hello! Stress! And don't even get me started on my mother. I mean, she...
Rip: She can be a steel-clad bitch. I know! Why do you think I left ISIS?
Sterling: Wh - you were an ISIS agent?
Rip: Briefly, way back. It didn't work out because, y'know, your mother...
Sterling: Was impossible to please, right?
Rip: [under his breath] God, if you only knew.
Sterling: What?
Rip: [Recovering quickly] How much your mom loves you... you would at least have the heart to tell her you're quittin' in person.
Sterling: Yeesh. Rather get shot with a flare.
Rip: Oh, man up! Talk to your mother, and then you can go be a bartender and destroy a new marriage every week.
Sterling: Oh, come on, that marriage was doomed.
Rip: And so are we, if we don't work together out here, so... truce?
Sterling: Uh... yeah.
[a ship's bell rings in the distance]
Sterling: And hey, we're not doomed. Look!
[a speedboat rapidly approaches the lifeboat]
Sterling: Over here! Hey! Over here!
Rip: No, no, no, quit waving, get down!
Sterling: Don't you wanna get rescued?
Rip: Yeah, but those could be pirates.
Sterling: Wh - okay. Then I guess they'll just have to do till we find some cowboys and Indians.
Rip: What?
Sterling: What, what? What are you talking about?
[Cut to Archer and Riley, tied up aboard the pirates' speedboat]
Sterling: I'm sorry. I didn't know pirates were... still a real thing.

Jeff: Please be a serial killer.

Audrey: [banging on door] C'mon Jeff, you don't have to read all the magazines.
Jeff: Dammit! You made me miss.
Audrey: What ?
Jeff: You made me miss. You knocked just as I was teeing off and I shanked it.
Audrey: Are you nude ?
Jeff: If I'm gonna do this, I'm going to do it right. And, why did you knock ?
Audrey: Well, I'm sorry but you were taking forever.
Jeff: I was romancing myself.
Audrey: Why? You know how easy you are...
Jeff: With you maybe. With myself, I like a little foreplay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take a quick nap, and then play the back nine.

Adam: How about tennis?
Jeff: What are we, 17 year old Russian girls?
Adam: No, tennis is manlier than golf
Jeff: Oh please, a golf ball could kill you, a tennis ball couldn't.
Adam: It could if you choked on it.
Jeff: What are you doing with a tennis ball in your mouth?
Adam: Touche.
Jeff: Here, I got a putter for you. Try not to choke on it.

Jennifer: Hey.
Jeff: Pretty bold robbing us in broad daylight.
Jennifer: It's for dinner at our place Saturday night.
Jeff: Oh, well, looking forward to it. It should be fun.
[Door closes]
Jeff: God that's gonna suck. How did you let that happen?

[last lines]
Kronk: My acorn is missing.
Junior: Squeak, squeakin', squeak, squeakity.
Kronk: Did you eat the acorn?
Junior: Squeaker, squeak, squeak, squeakin'?
Kronk: You owe me a new acorn.
Junior: Squeak squeak squeak, squeak, squeaker...
[one boy nudges Yzma]
Yzma: [sulky] Squeakin'.
Kronk: I'm so proud of you guys.

Waitress: Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?
Kronk: Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast and change the bull to a gill, got it.

[first lines]
Jeff: What would you give me if I put this whole waffle in my mouth?
Audrey: An uncontested divorce.

Sterling: Sorry I ate so much food.
Rip: Yeah, that was a pretty dick move.

[the seaplane's second engine dies]
Rip: Damn it, there goes number two!
Sterling: But it can land on water, right? I mean, isn't that the whole point?
Rip: It's a kinda different story when we're droppin' like a ton of bricks!
Sterling: Oh.
Rip: Goddamn, I can barely hold her level!
Sterling: You want me to help steer, or...
Rip: [Furious] Haven't you done enough already?
Sterling: How is this suddenly my fault?
[Rip gives him a hard look]
Rip: Okay, this is it! Come on, Lucy Goosey, you can do it! Lookin' good, girl!
[the plane levels out just above the ocean surface]
Rip: I think we're gonna be okay!
Sterling: Wait! You didn't put the wheels down!
Rip: The what? No, no, what are you d -
[Archer jabs a button; the landing gear drops and skims the water]
Rip: NOOOOO!
[the plane crashes]

[Yzma, fired by Kuzco, smashes stone carvings of his head with a mallet]
Yzma: Why, I practically raised him.
Kronk: Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.
Yzma: Yeah, go figure.

Adam: I'm gettin' one, and Jennifer wants one too. Nothing is off limits.
Jeff: [Chuckles] You're playing with fire.
Adam: [Shrugs nonchalantly, laughing it off] How so?
Jeff: I didn't get a birthday deal until I'd been married for six years and our relationship was stable. You've known Jennifer for what, twenty minutes? Do you really think you're ready to hear Jennifer's wildest, craziest fantasy?
Adam: Yeah! The crazier, the better.
Jeff: Really? Aren't you worried she'll want something so disturbing you won't be able to look at her when you're having brunch with your parents?
Adam: Come on... I mean, how weird can it be?
Jeff: Well, apparently nothing's off limits. By the way, whose idea was that?
Adam: Hers.
Jeff: Like I said, you're swimming with sharks.
Adam: You said I was playing with fire.
Jeff: You are... and the sharks don't like it.

[last lines]
Audrey: Is something wrong?
Jeff: Oh, god I hope not.

Sterling: Sky-Captain of yesteryear!
Rip: At least I'm not Sky-Captain of I-ran-away-from-home!
Sterling: I didn't run away from home. I'm a grown man, whose fiancée was murdered in front of his very eyes, so excuse me for needing some time to grieve.
Rip: By tending bar and banging newlyweds?
Sterling: Apparently, that's my grieving process.

Jeff: Let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one who breaks the peace we have made here today.
Adam: Why is he looking at me?
Jeff: The Godfather?
Adam: Oh... No, never saw it.
Jeff: You've never seen The Godfather?
Audrey: Oh, here we go.
Adam: No, my parents were hippies... They didn't want me to see anything too violent.
Jeff: Then close your eyes cause I'm gonna punch you in the face.

Russell: Hey, I got the result of the DNA test.
Jeff: Russel, this is Brad, he's gay. Brad this is Russel, he almost slept with his own daughter.
Brad: And I made you uncomfortable?

Audrey: [At Jeff's birthday party] You really having fun?
Jeff: If I was having any more fun I'll explode... killing everyone here.

[after firing Yzma]
Kuzco: [sing-song] So... who's in my chaaaaaair?
Kronk: Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?
Kuzco: Very good, Kronk! Here. Get the snack.

Jeff: Confining me to Club Jeff? Where tonight all Jeff's drink for free!

Guy: Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.

[Guy throws his soda at a black guest wearing glasses]
Guy: Thirsty, Urkel?
[looks at Rick]
Guy: I fuckin' love this place.

Yzma: [handing him a bottle of poison] Take it, Kronk. Oh ho ho! Feel the power.
Kronk: Oh... I can feel it.
Yzma: Our moment of triumph approaches! Ha ha ha ha ha! It's dinner time!

[last lines]
Jennifer: Oh God, Adam, look at the caption.
Adam: Jennifer Morgan to wed
[sighs]
Adam: Madam Rhodes! No! No! They, they totally ruined my hetero picture...
Jennifer: At least it's a small town, not that many people will see it.
Jeff: Oh no, they've got an online edition. Well, I got a busy night ahead of me so...

[the drink is poisoned]
Yzma: Kronk, the emperor needs his... drink!
Kronk: Right. Oh...
[winks at Yzma]
Kronk: ...riiiiiiggghhht.
[goes to grab drink and realizes that he doesn't know which one it is; takes the drinks away to pour the poison again]
Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything okay back there?
Kronk: [mixing the drinks together before refilling all the cups] Oh, uh, the drinks were a bit on the, uh...
[small explosion from each of the cups]
Kronk: ...warm side. Hehe. Hey, did ya see that sky today? Talk about blue.
Yzma: Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast, to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!
Kronk: [to Yzma trying to make it sound like he's coughing] Don't drink the wine. Poison.

[Kronk's Shoulder Angel and Devil debate saving Kuzco]
Kronk's: Listen up, big guy. I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one. Look at that guy! He's got that sissy stringy music thing.
Kronk's: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.
Kronk's: Oh, right. That's a harp, and that's a dress.
Kronk's: Robe!
Kronk's: Reason number two. Look what I can do. Ha-ha, ha!
[does one-armed handstand]
Kronk: But what does that have to do with anything?
Kronk's: No, no. He's got a point.
Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're sort of confusing me, so, uh, begone... or, uh, y'know, however I get rid of you guys.
Kronk's: That'll work.
[Angel and devil disappear]

Jeff: Don't play dumb with me. That's a game you can't win.