150 Best Salem Saberhagen Quotes

Fate: [mysterious trio of cheerleading schoolgirls going through Sabrina's wardrobe] Great dirty denim. If you're a sharecropper.
Fate: And where did you get these earrings? Because I am never shopping there.
Sabrina: Okay, who are you, why are you here, and does Sister Mary Elizabeth know you're skipping class?
Salem: Sabrina,
[nervous chuckle]
Salem: these girls aren't ditching PE.
Fate: We're the Fates.
Sabrina: The Fates? You mean the three girls who manipulate innocent people's lives with cruel, random acts?
Fate: So you've heard of us? Cool.
[holds out hand, chuckles]
Fate: I'm Paris.
Fate: Mackenzie.
Fate: Ashley.
Sabrina: Uh, I hope this is a social call. And you're right, I'm never wearing those jeans again. Am I?
Fate: Ooh, can I tell her why we're here? Please?
Fate: [sneering] Yeah, if I want it to come out all wrong. Mackenzie, go.
Fate: We weave a tapestry of every person's life, and when it's time for that person to die, we snip the thread.
[reaches: ]
Fate: Snip.
[this spiteful gesture is made by Ashley as well]
Fate: [stepping forward] Today was Morgan Cavanaugh's time to die. But we didn't get to snip. Do you know why?
Sabrina: Because of that freaky, unexpected gust of wind? I mean, lucky break, huh?
Fate: You owe us. Big time.
Fate: Huge time.
Fate: [gleefully] Yeah, really big, huge time.
[gets scornful look from Paris]
Fate: Sorry.
[hangs her head]

Sabrina: [practicing by herself] Welcome to Chick Chat. I'm Sabrina Spellman, the world's worst radio host.
Salem: [unexpected audience] You're being kind.
Sabrina: Salem, what are you doing here?
Salem: I'm a nose hair away from being replaced by the hound from hell. I need a shoulder to cry on.
Sabrina: You picked the wrong shoulder.

Hilda: [Hilda and Salem approach Zelda's lab] The coast is clear! Operation "Find the Allergy Formula, That Also Cleans, Don't Get Caught and Make a Lot of Money" is underway.
Salem: You start looking, and I'll start workin' on a shorter code name.

Sabrina: Salem what do I do?
Salem: Well, hiring a hitman is prohibtedly expensive. So I guess you could just wait for her to outgrow this crush on Harvey.
Sabrina: Why wait when one is a witch? I'll use magic to make her grow up!

Zelda: Okay... do you know where to call in case of an emergency?
Salem: THE MONEY STORE?
Zelda: Salem!
Salem: Yes... I've got your pager number.

Sabrina: I can't stand that place. Pigs aren't very good at making change.
Salem: Who are they kidding with that sneezeguard over the slop bar?

Sabrina: [showing off new pair of pink high-heel sandals] These are the most comfortable shoes I've ever had.
Zelda: And stylish.
Hilda: Oh, cobbler?
Salem: [at their beck and call] Yes, ma'am?
Hilda: I'd like five more pairs. One in every color.
Sabrina: Yes, and how are you with matching belts?
Salem: I'll cobble whatever you want. I'm just glad to be home.

Quizmaster: Concentrate. You are no longer a physical being. You are a fluid entity. You are water.
Sabrina: Hey, I did it.
Quizmaster: Yes, you did. And it only took you four weeks.
Salem: Am I the only one thinking we should have purchased some rubber sheets?

Sabrina: Salem! You're dyeing your hair?
Salem: [looks like a Christmas tree] I'm just putting in some low-lights.
Sabrina: Oh, I had no idea they made a 'Just For Cats'.
Salem: I had no idea how many shades of black there were.
Morgan: Hi, Sabrina. Oh, what is going on with the cat?
Sabrina: Oh, that, well, uh, I am not gonna color my hair without practicing first.
Morgan: Oh, great idea! Later, I think I'll try my home bikini waxer on him.
[Salem gasps and scampers off]

Sabrina: So I'm pleased to say everyone's moved on.
Salem: Not me. I'm staying put. There's an exciting shaft of light on the ceiling that'll keep me here for the next five hours.

[a bird is twittering outside the window]
Salem: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why must you keep tormenting me?

Salem: [re Sabrina's new figure, as she totters out the room] Oh, she's got what the man wants.

Salem: No guy wants his girlfriend hanging around with her ex. Trust me, I know these things. I'm a man, turn into a cat, turn into a clown. Oh, kill me now.

Hilda: Oh I know what I want. Flaun.
[shaking the plate slightly]
Hilda: It's so wiggly.
Salem: I don't know whether to eat it or attack it.

Sabrina: Salem, any thoughts on what I should go as for Halloween?
Salem: [surveying her outfit] Hmm. Off the top of my head, fashion victim?
Sabrina: [groans] The only thing lamer than that joke are my plans for Halloween.

Hilda: Zelda? Zelda! ATTENTION ZELDA!
Zelda: Did you say something? Oh, I'm sorry. I have to present a paper at a big scientific symposium in the Other Realm and I have so much more research to do.
Sabrina: Oh that's okay, I just wanted to tell you about my... Aunt Zelda? AUNT ZELDA!
Hilda: I am really worried about her, she hasn't eaten or slept in days. She's even been too busy to disapprove of me.
Salem: She must be dead!

Salem: Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Why can't you act like a normal family and argue on the front lawn?

Salem: This is a girl who has trouble getting to school on time, and she's supposed to deliver millions of presents by tomorrow morning? Am I the only one who sees a problem?
Zelda: You know, Salem, that's an excellent point.
Salem: That's an excellent point. That's an excellent point. That is the last time I point out the flaw in someone's logic.

Salem: Push, push. Push! Push! I knew those Lamaze classes would pay off.
Zelda: There.
Hilda: We have the makings of a beautiful fire hazard.
Zelda: What do you think?
Salem: That's what a mortal tree looks like? No wonder they drink during the holidays.

Sabrina: Salem, do you think the council will grant the time reversal?
Salem: I'm the wrong witch to ask. They weren't very lenient with me. Sentenced to 100 years as a cat, and for what?
Sabrina: I don't know. For what?
Salem: Oh, like any young kid, I dreamed of world domination. Of course, they really crack down when you act upon it.
Sabrina: Wow. No wonder you're so possessive of the sofa.
Salem: Mm. It would have been glorious. Me, as the firm but just emperor of Earth. Trust me, being a house pet wasn't even plan B.
Sabrina: Come on, it's not that bad. You take 5,000 naps a day.
Salem: I can't go dancing. I can't play squash. The sound of the can opener is the only thing that makes me feel truly alive.
Sabrina: Salem? Would you like your rubber mouse?
Salem: Please.

Salem: I hate the politics but Brustien on the theatre is a revaluation.

Sabrina: I have to get that carafe.
Salem: Yes, and be careful, 99.
Sabrina: What?
Salem: You are so young.

Sabrina: Oh, no. I gotta get to school.
Salem: Some people just don't know how to enjoy being sick.

Salem: Sabrina, where are you?
Sabrina: [as a cat] Next to you. In a cage.
Salem: Salem, this is awful. If I can't point, I can't turn myself back. What was that?
Salem: What?
Sabrina: There's something in here with me.
Salem: What?
Sabrina: Oh, it's just my tail.

Zelda: Hilda! I've just opened our Visa bill! How could you spend $3,000 on World War II memorabilia?
Hilda: What are you talking about? You I'm a Boer War kind of gal.
Zelda: Well, if these aren't *your* Visa charges and they aren't *my* Visa charges, then who's are they?
[in the next room, Salem is heard on the phone speaking in Japanese and Zelda and Hilda investigate]
Salem: [talking into a phone on a table] The name on the card is Zelda Spellman.
[Salem sees Zelda and Hilda come into the room and continues speaking in Japanese, trying to make the call sound important]
Zelda: [presses the cut-off button] Just what do you think you're doing?
Salem: I know the kimono's a little gauche, but it's so dang silky.
Zelda: [suspicious] We're talking about my *Credit Card*.
Salem: Oh, that. Just making a little impulse buy: The future Mrs. Myoshi Saberhagen ships in two weeks!
Hilda: [shocked] You bought a mail-order Bride? Dummy, what are you gonna do when a Japanese woman shows up and sees that her number one American husband is a *cat*?
Salem: When she sees the engagement ring you bought her with your Discover Card, she won't care!
[Salem laughs, jumps off the table and runs out of the room]
Zelda: [to Hilda] Can you believe the nerve of that mangy little fur ball? Stealing from us and then flaunting it!
[a large package envelope comes up in the toaster]
Zelda: [walks over to the toaster] When was the last time actual *toast* came out of that thing?

Hilda: I just haven't turned myself into wind in years.
Salem: Would cabbage help?

Salem: Just spooked a bread truck. The street is full of buns.

Salem: [bandage and plasters] What do I care? I got beat up by a rat. He humiliated me.
Sabrina: I thought you said you gave him a licking?
Salem: I did, but not in a macho way.

Salem: Marigold and Harold are getting a divorce.
Zelda: I don't believe it. Marigold is splitting up with Harold?
Hilda: Oh, this is the best Halloween ever.

[Sabrina enters the room and sees Salem sitting at an open laptop pressing the buttons with a pencil in his mouth]
Sabrina: Salem what are you doing?
Salem: Nothing.
Sabrina: [not convinced] You're in a Chatroom again pretending to be a woman aren't you?
[Sabrina takes the pencil out of Salem's mouth]
Salem: [still looking at the laptop] I like the attention.
Sabrina: [closes down the laptop and packs it away] Well, say goodbye. Harvey's here and you'd better start acting cattier.
Salem: [annoyed] Mean.

Salem: [laughs maniacally] I hope Emperor Larry likes this sleeping potion, because it's the last thing he'll ever taste.
[laughs maniacally]
Zelda: [Zelda enters the room] Salem, what are you doing?
Salem: Um, making s'mores.
Zelda: Well don't make a mess, I've got battles to plan, I don't have time to clean.
[Zelda leaves the room]
Salem: Yeah, I'm making smores. S'more poison for Emperor Larry.
[laughs maniacally]
Salem: .

Salem: There are worse places to be during the holidays than with your family.

Salem: I wanna enjoy something pure. Like harness racing.

Salem: [to Hilda] Before you start pointing fingers, remember one important fact: Sabrina put me up to it.

Zelda: What's the matter?
Sabrina: What's the matter? I have to be a witch, I have to be a mortal, I have to be a teenager and I have to be a girl all at the same time. That's what's the matter.
Salem: Hey! At least you've still got your thumbs. And a door on your bathroom!

Zelda: Hi, honey. How was your tea?
Sabrina: Pretty average, you know. There was music, little sandwiches, tea, of course. Oh, and I got my quizmaster fired.
Salem: What kind of sandwiches?

Sabrina: [Sabrina has returned home to find a morbidly obese Salem lying on her bed] Salem, what happened to you?
Salem: [about Hilda's pampering and overindulging him] The good life. La dolche vita, baby!
Sabrina: I'm surprised that the good life doesn't come in the low fat version.
Salem: I think *I* carry it well.
Sabrina: [about Salem's weight gain] I don't think you can carry it out of this room.

Salem: Hello, this is your guard speaking. Harvey is at the front door, and send me a sandwich!

Hilda: Well, Salem, your temperature is alarmingly high.
Salem: I'm really sick?
Hilda: Yes, and that can only mean one thing...
Salem: More attention and sympathy?
Hilda: A nice cold bath.
Salem: What? I'm feeling better. I am not an animal!

Merlin: Why don't you stay a while?
Zelda: How long a while?
Merlin: Until you love me again.
Hilda: How about if I love you?
Salem: Or me? I can be quite tender.

Salem: As the official watchcat, I order you to get down.
Sabrina: I'm going up, and don't try to stop me, cat.
Salem: You leave me with no choice than to go with you and protect you.
Sabrina: You're afraid of heights.
Salem: Right. Then you leave me no choice than to wish you well.

[first lines]
Sabrina: [practicing, with Salem] Aaron, I mean this from the bottom of my heart: I love you.
Salem: [unimpressed] Nice try. I've gotten more emotion out of my car's navigational system.
Sabrina: You know, I knew it was childish to practice on my cat.

Sabrina: I get to vote. I get to vote.
Salem: And I don't.
Hilda: Salem, you're a convicted felon.
Zelda: Not to mention a cat.
Salem: But I wanted to vote to change the pronunciation of Friday to "Fridyah".

Sabrina: I've gotta meet Harvey at The Slicery but now I've gotta change thanks to you.
Salem: Er, since you thanked me, can I ask a favour?
Sabrina: Excuse me, cat? You want a favour?
Salem: Yeah. Can I tag along to The Slicery? I've got a touch of cabin fever and I'd really like to... .
Sabrina: [interrupting] Are you insane? I wouldn't bring you to The Slicery if you were the last person slash cat on Earth.
Salem: Man, what's her problem?
Hilda: You are so self-centred, even for a cat.

Salem: Don't blame me. I wasn't the one procrastinating by talking on the phone. Eavesdropping was at the top of my to-do list.

Salem: Believe it or not, when it comes to the fairer sex, I'm rather shy.
Sabrina: Is that why you had four different species slap you with a restraining order? I promised myself I wouldn't use magic to solve every little problem.
Salem: Right. Then Saturday night we can rent Steel Magnolias and you can give me a flea dip.
[jumps off the bed, leaves]

Coolio: So, erm, well, are you guys um coming to the concert?
Salem: It says it's sold out, can you get me tickets?
Coolio: Sorry, I'm just an alley poster, try a bill board.

[first lines]
Sabrina: [packing] Okay, bikini, sunscreen, sandals... What am I forgetting?
Salem: A trusted, loyal cat?
Sabrina: Right. Let me know if you find one.

Sabrina: I don't know what your problem is. It's nice to help people.
Salem: And what nice things have you done lately?
Sabrina: Me? I do nice things all the time.
Salem: Really? Since you got your magical powers, all I've seen you do is change your clothes and make brussel sprouts disappear.
Sabrina: That's not true and I'll prove it. I'll use my magic to do 3 nice things before the end of school today. Easy.
Salem: Not so easy. Before you shoot your little finger off, you'd better consider the consequences or ter-rible things could happen.

Sabrina: Just gather round the jack-o-lantern and remember, the true meaning of Halloween is inside you. Right Salem?
Salem: There's a pound of candy corn inside me.

Sabrina: [finds the spell in the magic book] Here goes. Double, double. Toil and trouble.
Salem: Bill Shakespeare stole that from us. What a hack!

Sabrina: Hey, who ate all the Wheat-ios?
Salem: Did you know Addis Ababa is the capital of Ethiopia? Not that I'm trying to change the subject.

Zelda: [Zelda sees what appears to be cans moving by themselves, but is actually an invisible Salem moving them about] Salem.
Salem: Salem's not here.
Zelda: Oh, then he won't want me to open any of those cans for him.
Salem: Oh... wait, here he is now. 'Salem, how 'bout some of that Sockeye?' Love some.

Salem: Look at all these losers.
Sabrina: Hey, you better behave yourself.
Salem: I will.
Sabrina: You always say that, but... If people see me talking to my cat, they'll think I'm nuts.
Salem: Look around.
Haley: [to her cat] Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Andrew: [to his cat] You wanna be a winner, think like a winner.
Sabrina: Okay, we can talk all we want.

Salem: We're a very literal species.
Sabrina: Let's hope I never become a bleeding heart liberal.

Sabrina: I went to a bad movie and a 99-cent store with Valerie and for that I have to miss a free concert?
Salem: Oh, I'll feel sorry for you tonight when I'm sleeping in my wicker basket by those old paint cans.
Sabrina: I can't believe Zelda. Where does she get off holding me to what I agreed to?
Salem: What is that famous expression? "If at first you don't succeed, try another aunt."
Sabrina: Doesn't sound very honest.
Salem: You want honest or do you wanna go out and bleed from your ears with Harvey?

Sabrina: Emerson, Boston College, Other Realm University, backpacking. Salem, how do you make a decision?
Salem: You've come to the right man. When I was a military leader I made life and death decisions every day and one method never failed me. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe...

Sabrina: [Sabrina walks into her bedroom dressed as "Jack"] Salem, My man!
Salem: [shocked] Whoa, Adolesence is not sitting well with you!
Sabrina: [picks up Perfume bottle] Gonna walk among the guys, see what makes you tick.
Salem: Freeze!
[Sabrina stops]
Salem: Don't squirt that perfume unless you wanna be a boy who gets beaten up.
Sabrina: [Puts down bottle] Man, that was close.
Salem: It's not enough to look like a dude, you have to start thinkin' like a dude. Picked a name yet?
Sabrina: Kirby?
Salem: We're back to getting beaten up here.

Shelley: You wanna talk? You have changed.
Salem: You could say that.

Quizmaster: Turning yourself into fire, water and wind is one of the hardest things a witch has to learn.
Salem: For me, it was learning when to say no to pie.

Salem: You think maybe she's dead?

Salem: What are you making?
Zelda: Sugar cookies.
Salem: With bits of liver?
Zelda: No, sprinkles.
Salem: Yuck!

Salem: Halt. You're stuffing my salmon into your book bag. That red, flaky sockeye is all I have to live for.
Sabrina: Sorry, Salem. The clubs at school are collecting canned goods for the food drive.
Salem: You know, Sabrina, charity begins at home. In fact, in my mind, it begins in the cat dish.

Salem: It can't talk until you give it something to say and keep in mind it can only say 3 sentences.
Sabrina: Let me think. I want my double to be positive because people are always feel positive about positive people.
Salem: My tuna's coming up.

Salem: And I learned a valuable lesson. Whenever there's a crisis, I can depend on you guys to turn on me.

Salem: I'd be more nervous if I weren't so good looking.

Amanda: What? I'm playing giddyap with Salem.
Salem: Who is it? Please, someone feed me poison.

Sabrina: It's so unfair. They can't make me go to the Other Realm.
Salem: They made me a cat. You're messing with the wrong crowd.

Salem: You know I always get depressed this time of year.
Hilda: Why?
Salem: Well, for one thing, I'M A CAT!

Amanda: [Sabrina is panicking] What's up with her?
Salem: She's having second thoughts.
Amanda: Oh-ho-ho.
Salem: Mm-hmm.

Salem: Hmm. I knew this day would come. Sabrina, it's time for the talk.
Sabrina: [to herself] Most girls get it from their mothers, I get it from the cat.

Valerie: Gordy, are you even aware that there's a dance on Friday?
Salem: I'll pick you up at 8. What kind of flowers do you like?
Valerie: Surprise me!
Salem: That means roses.

Salem: If only I had someone decent feeding me lines.
Zelda: May I remind you that I'm the one the director complimented?
Salem: May I remind you that your skirt was hiked up to your nostrils?
Zelda: If that's how my generosity is going to be rewarded, you can just find yourself another quantum physicist to help you push kibble.
[leaves]
Salem: Zelda, don't go. This is my process. I'm a temperamental actor.
[she doesn't listen]
Salem: I have pictures of you and the Brothers Grimm.
Zelda: [hastily returning] All right, let's take it from the top.

Salem: Finally! I'm free! I have no place to go.

[first lines]
Sabrina: [Salem groans] Whoa, did you just sigh, or are you sitting on an accordion?
Salem: I think I see a grey hair.
Sabrina: What?
[rushes to mirror]
Sabrina: Darn, you know, I knew this job would age me. You know, I'm two weeks away from a blue rinse and bunion pads.
Salem: The grey hair is on me. Don't you think of anyone besides yourself?

Salem: Bah, humbug!
Sabrina: Salem! What are you doing here?
Salem: I couldn't stand the thought of Cousin Ira staring at me, so I stowed away in your suitcase. By the by, you might wanna run a lint brush over your unmentionables.

Sabrina: [trying to solve a clue] 'M' plus fire? I've got it! Mfire!
Salem: Right! Mfire! That makes so much sense. Let's use it in a sentence.
[sarcastically]
Salem: Run! Run! The house is on mfire.
Sabrina: I've got a better one. You're mfired!
Salem: You can't mfire me! I mquit!

Sabrina: [about the Washing Machine engineer, who has a tail] He can't stay! He has a tail!
Salem: What's wrong with having a tail?

Hilda: I think I'm turning into wind. I feel a little breeze.
Salem: That's just the life going out of us.

Salem: And once I controlled Eurasia, I was going to advance on...
Sabrina: Oh, Salem, can you hold that thought? I'll be right back; I gotta get some more milk.
Salem: Stay where you are. You're a witch. Look under the M's.
Sabrina: [flipping through her spellbook] Wow, magic milk!
[pointing her finger at her glass, it refills itself]
Sabrina: Cool, it worked! Hey, I could get used to this magic.
Salem: [she starts to take a sip] Hey, share!

Sabrina: [seeing Salem asleep on the settee] Oh he had some Friday the 13th.
Zelda: Poor little guy, wore himself out.
Hilda: Oh he looks so peaceful... should we?
Salem: [with a spell cast and a loud air horn blasting, Salem jumps in terror and lands in the light shade] That's okay, I have another 8 lives. 7 after I fall down from here.

Salem: What do ya think? A red Lamborgini. This has to impress my ex-girlfriend Shelly.
Hilda: Sure! Now all you have to do is lose the paws, the whiskers and the fur.
Salem: Hey, so what if I'm a cat? This car says I've got it going on!

Sabrina: So where's my present?
Salem: It's more of a promise than a present.
Sabrina: No present?
Salem: Wait, you'll like it. I promise to appreciate you and respect your privacy.
Sabrina: From now on?
Salem: Er, no, for like a week.
Sabrina: That's it?
Salem: Okay, 10 days but that's my final offer.
Sabrina: Deal!

Sabrina: I had no idea you could bottle talent.
Salem: Where do you think that expression comes from? A six-pack of refreshing talent, now with the handy twist-top.
Sabrina: Cool. But I won't use it unless it's absolutely necessary.
Salem: Hey, I don't care how you justify it.

Salem: I can't move.
Zelda: Oh, no, is he hurt?
Sabrina: Fatten Up"? This must've fallen off the beanstalk.
Hilda: Oh! Salem, you didn't.
Salem: I did. Well, don't just stand there. Somebody get me a diet soda.

Zelda: I've done it! I'm on the verge of one of the biggest scientific breakthroughs in the history of mankind.
Salem: How incredible!
[to Sabrina]
Salem: You gonna finish that toast?
Zelda: You know that formula I've been working on? I found the key ingredient.
Sabrina: Liquorice?
Zelda: Oh, don't be silly, Sabrina, liquorice won't cure allergies. It's ostrich saliva.
Hilda: [to Sabrina] The hard part is getting them to drool. Give me that.
[Reaches for Zelda's beaker, which smashes on the floor; the entire room is suddenly spotless]
Sabrina: Wow! One drop of that and the whole kitchen is spotlessly clean!
Hilda: I'll say! The walls, the table, the counters...
Sabrina: Salem!
Salem: [Salem has turned completely white] I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped twenty points.
Zelda: [Pointing at Sabrina, Hilda and herself] Blonde, blonde, blonde.
[Pointing at Salem]
Zelda: Dead.

Salem: Earthquake!
Zelda: But we're in Massachusetts.
Sabrina: [Looks out the window] Is that a beanstalk?
Salem: Beanstalk!

Salem: [to the two aunts] Wanna really scare people? Leave the house without your makeup!
[gets zapped onto the bicycle with the broken saddle]
Salem: Oh, it pinches! Pinches!
[bicycle zooms out the door]
Sabrina: [sounds of smash] Oh! I think we dented his cat-hood on that Chrysler.

Salem: [Sabrina wants to move out, and bewitched cat aims to go along] Our own crib on campus? Keg party!

Zelda: All a little too easy, I smell a rat.
Salem: Ooh, a Rat! Oh, wait, I had rat for lunch.

Salem: [to Hilda] Are you gonna finish that potato morsel on your collar?

Sabrina: Ah, is it time for Salem to be wormed again?
Salem: No, worse. I have to do community service.
Zelda: It's part of his punishment for attempting global conquest.
Salem: As if being a cat for a hundred years wasn't enough, Zelda had to put me in a pets for prisoners program.
Zelda: I gave you a choice, you could have done highway cleanup.
Salem: Yeah, cats do real well on highways.
Zelda: Stop complaining and get your wormy little butt down stairs in 2 minutes. It's time to pay your debt to society.
Salem: Can't I just write a cheque?

Salem: Let's destroy everything that's dear to him. Let's indoctrinate him into the cathedral of agony.
Zelda: I'm gonna write him a very stern letter.
Salem: You're a regular Mad Max aren't ya?

Salem: Since I can't ask you for the cream cheese, I'm just gonna stare at you till you give it up.
Morgan: Oh, I hate it when this cat stares at me.
Roxie: [cat's tail towards her] At least you got the end with the eyes.

Hilda: I've got it! I remember how to turn myself into fire.
Salem: If it involves dried branches and kerosene, it's not really magic.

Asher: Cool, a talking Cat. Say "Asher." Ash-er!
Salem: Loser! Los-er!

[last lines]
Zelda: [interrogating] Mother's maiden name?
Sabrina: Becker.
Hilda: Favorite dessert that doesn't involve chocolate?
Sabrina: There isn't one. How long is this gonna go on?
Zelda: Until we make absolutely sure that you are the real Sabrina.
Hilda: Say whoo-hoo.
Sabrina: [with zing:] Whoo-hoo!
Salem: Impostor!
Sabrina: Back off, fur-ball, or I'm gonna tell Aunt Zelda about the time I caught you in her lingerie drawer trying on her lacy...
Salem: It's Sabrina!

Sabrina: This is so humiliating.
Salem: You? I'm wearing pantaloons.

Salem: Anybody hungry? I know a decent restaurant around the corner-- The Delhi Lama.

Salem: But why did the cat have to suffer?

Sabrina: I'm not very good at this. You told me the 23rd time is the charm.
Zelda: You'll learn to control your magic. At the very least, you'll always be able to garnish a ham steak.
Sabrina: One more try. Salem into apple.
Salem: I think that's enough for one night.
Hilda: The cat's right. Wrap it up. You've got school tomorrow.
Sabrina: I'm a witch and I still have to go to school?
Zelda: Mm-hmm.
Sabrina: Unfair! Hey, maybe I'll turn Mr. Pool into...
Hilda: No, now be careful pointing your finger at people. It could be dangerous.
Sabrina: You're pointing at me!
Hilda: I have the safety on.

Hilda: [Salem ignoring gifts and playing with the colourful wrapping paper] You know next year I don't think I'll even bother to buy him a gift.
Salem: This is good, this is so good. Oh, the wrapping, greens and reds and ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! It's the best Christmas ever and it's great to be home. Ho-oo, yes! Yes! Yes!
Sabrina: I think he likes my paper best.

Shelley: You're a cat?
Salem: Technically.
Shelley: Who's your friend?
[whipping off Salem's friend's hat]
Shelley: A mannequin! How long were you expecting this to fool me?
Salem: Another 30 seconds.

Salem: [referring to Christmas tree decorating] Oh, I see. First you kill the tree, and then you humiliate it.

Sabrina: I gotta get a job as a reporter, even if I have to go as far as New York.
Salem: Why do you have to go to New York? You already got an offer from the Boston Globe.
Sabrina: Yeah, three days a week as an assistant associate to the associate assistant. I think I'm beyond that.
Salem: Well, you'd better get something, or I won't be the only one in this house who's eating cat food.

Salem: How about a palm-sized digital camera? Not for me, but a friend who's fallen on hard times. We'll call him Salem.

Salem: Well I have two words for Mr. Tobias, water balloons aimed at his house on the hour every hour. I realize that's more then two words.

Salem: [pretending he doesn't miss Sabrina] Sabrina. Where have I heard that name? Ah, yes, Audrey Hepburn. Wonderful film.

Salem: [appears on windowsill, observing her struggling with instant noodles that coagulated] Wow. So they did save Hitler's brain.
Sabrina: [mildly annoyed] What are you doing here?
Salem: I came to party, but I see no signs of bubbly vivacious coeds. No offense.
Sabrina: You have no clue what college life is like today.
[fixes peanut butter sandwiches]
Salem: I come to learn.
[theatrical: ]
Salem: Teach me the ways of your Animal House.
Sabrina: Well, for one thing, they don't let you stay in your own bedroom. My roommate hates me, and expects me to sleep on the couch. I've tried to talk to her, but she won't even open the door.
Salem: Hmm, let's see, what to do? If only you were a witch!
Sabrina: Forget it! If I wanna go to school in the Mortal Realm, I can't use magic to solve every little problem.
Salem: No wonder you're miserable. You're letting these mortals walk all over you.
Sabrina: [settled in on counter, next to him] Are you saying that because you care, or because you wanna party?
Salem: Uh, six of one, but the point is, you've got the gift of magic. Use it or lose it!
Sabrina: Well, I guess if something is really annoying me...
[zaps Salem away]

Sabrina: If it was up to them I'd stay in my room and never have fun.
Salem: I'm a house pet, it's hard for me to sympathise.

Salem: [playing with a tassel on a cushion] Don't you toy with me you saucy minx!

Salem: They take a sip of flat talent, they go flat too.
Sabrina: Great. So I'll just let these go flat, and when I see Harvey and Valerie tonight, they'll drink, and we'll go back to being talentless friends.
Salem: Did you pop one for yourself?
Sabrina: Me? I haven't been affected by having things go my way.
Salem: Oh, please. Little Miss "I'm Too Cool To Do My History Homework."
Sabrina: I had an autograph signing. Okay.

Salem: Zelda, you'll never guess who called. I'll give you a hint. Shelly.
Zelda: Shelly? Your ex-girlfriend? The one who left you?
Salem: She didn't leave me! She just needed some time by herself.
Zelda: 2 decades?
Salem: 3, but and I repeat but by the sound of her voice, I'd say she has crawling back on her mind.
Zelda: I see. Did you happen to mention that you're a cat now?
Salem: Is it that noticeable?

Sabrina: You are aware this looks exactly like Aunt Zelda's place?
Hilda: It's the exact opposite. Plus, I added a doily.
Salem: I hate it.
Sabrina: How can you hate it? It's just like home.
Salem: Because I hate change, and it smells like sweat and spit.
Sabrina: That's you.
Salem: Oh.

Salem: I'm gonna be tossed out into the snow on my nicely rounded buttocks.

Sabrina: [very concerned about taking the three True Love Tests] Harvey's super cute and I really, really like him but... how am I supposed to know if it's true love?
Salem: Well do you think about him when he's not around?
Sabrina: [concerned] Yeah.
Zelda: [almost in wonder] And does your heart beat faster when you see him walking down the hall?
Sabrina: [concerned] Yeah.
Hilda: [quite cheerfully] And does it bother you when he chews gum?
Sabrina: [less concerned] No.
Hilda: [cheerfully] Then it might be true love!
[Sabrina stands up]
Sabrina: [confident] I'm taking the test.
[pauses]
Sabrina: [concerned] Is it multiple-choice?

Sabrina: What am I gonna do?
Salem: Do what you always do. Go crying to your aunties to bail you out. "Boo hoo hoo. Help me, aunties."
[laughs - then Sabrina zaps his skateboard and he zooms off out the door]

Zelda: Hilda's still not back from her audition?
Salem: No. That's Spanish for "no."

[last lines]
Salem: [crying as he gets stuck with all the sowing] Wait until PETA hears about this!

Amanda: [smoky explosion] Hey, wanna join me for an emergency trip to Paris for silver hooped earrings?
Sabrina: [waving smoke away] Uh, no, thanks, it already feels like a French bistro in here. Besides, I'm working on an article.
Amanda: Ugh. Snooze.
Salem: Actually not, for a change. You see, this thug night-club owner threatened our little Lois Lame over here...
[Sabrina: ]
Salem: Oh, I hate it when you cut me off!

Harvey: A penny saved is a penny earned.
Salem: Don't eat the yellow snow.

Zelda: What's the matter?
Sabrina: What's the matter? I have to be a witch, I have to be a mortal, I have to be a teenager and I have to be a girl all at the same time. That's what's the matter.
Salem: At least you still have your thumbs... and a door on your bathroom!

Salem: [speaking to a dog - subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen which read; go get me the meat of the...] Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof, oh shoot i forgot the word for floor, oh yeah, woof

Zelda: Look, I know it's not a pleasant topic, but we need to make sure that our loved ones are adequately taken care of after we...
Salem: Keel over. Buy the farm. Take a dirt nap. Kick the...
Zelda: Salem!

Sabrina: You got me kicked out of The Slicery, the one place I had a little privacy.
Salem: Don't talk to me about privacy! I'm the one who has to relieve himself in a box in the middle of the kitchen. D'you know how hard it is to get that far away stare going?
Sabrina: Oh, like anyone's watching.

Hilda: [Hilda and Salem have made a commercial for their new cleaning product] Here it comes!
Hilda: [On TV, holding up a stone] This dungeon stone is white, but what would you call this one?
[Holds up a whiter stone]
Salem: Bright!
Hilda: Exactly! And that's why, for the next twenty minutes, we'll be telling you how you can get your house this clean with new Scientist-in-a-Drum!
Salem: And now, here's Bruce Jenner to tell you more.

[last lines]
Muffy: [opening door] Hi, Sabrina.
Sabrina: Muffy, are you all right? I mean, your message was kinda garbled on my machine. Something about a stalker?
Muffy: [handing Sabrina back her cat] I found him pawing through my lingerie drawer.
Sabrina: I'm so sorry. He's a sick, sick animal. But... that'll change once I have him fixed.
Salem: Meow?
[as Sabrina carries him off]
Salem: You... you were joking, right?
[nervous laugh]
Salem: Right?
[she grins with mischievous intent]
Salem: Hey, this isn't the way home!

Sabrina: Can you distract a room full of poets?
Hilda: Easy.
Salem: With your clothes on?
Hilda: Oh.

Salem: I need a plan. What would McGuiver do... y'know... if he were a cat?

Sabrina: Why don't you guys go and I'll stay home with Salem?
Salem: Hey, the whole point of a family vacation is so I can get a vacation from the family. Please, I need some down time.

Salem: [Sabrina tells Salem about her day with with a "Teenage" Mr. Kraft in charge] He played Smells like Teen Spirit with his nose?
Sabrina: Four verses!

[a spell turns Salem blonde]
Salem: I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped 20 points!
Zelda: [pointing to each of the Spellman women] Blonde, blonde, blonde.
[points at Salem]
Zelda: Dead.

Zelda: Maybe if we're nice to Merlin, he'll feel sorry for us and let us go. So let's not antagonise him.
Hilda: Good plan. Dead magician walking.
Merlin: How is everyone? Got everything you need?
Salem: No, no, we're fine. Now that I think about it, I could use a little freedom.
Merlin: So have you decided to love me again?
Zelda: I'd rather lick a dead seal.
Hilda: Am I the only one who remembers the plan?
Merlin: Excuse me...
Hilda: Oh, shut up, conehead. It can't be done.

Boyd: Well, look at what the magic book can do, this place looks like the Taj Mahal with indoor plummin'.
Salem: Sorry folks, Graceland is closed today.
Maw: You know cat make *real* nice jerky.
[Salem sobs in fear]

Sabrina: You are so weird!
Salem: [nodding] It helps break up the day.

Sabrina: A cat show? I can't see you in a cat show.
Salem: Don't you think I'm pretty?
Sabrina: Of course.
Salem: Then get an application. This is our chance for a quick score.
Sabrina: All right. Okay, name, Salem Spellman.
Salem: May I remind you I'm your cat, not your pet. I have my own last name.
Sabrina: You do?
Salem: Saberhagen. Salem Saberhagen.
Sabrina: And what breed are you?
Salem: American Shorthair. And darn proud of it. Write that down. The judges will eat that up.

Sabrina: Salem, it's working. They'll be back together in no time.
Salem: I've been sizing up their spleens just in case.

Hilda: [re-educating Sabrina] Maybe we should start with something simple. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Harvey: [earnestly] A penny saved is a penny earned.
Salem: Don't eat yellow snow.

Hilda: What's my bra doing on the roof?
Salem: Erm, the squirrels needed a nutfeeder...

Salem: Dogs guard; cats watch... and judge.

Sabrina: I'm so at peace with what's happened between me and the quizmaster. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Salem: And that's why we call this stage denial.
Zelda: Hi, sweetheart. How you feeling today?
Sabrina: I can't believe quizmaster hasn't had the decency to call me after all the mean things he said?
Salem: Welcome, anger.
Zelda: Well, maybe you two just need a little time away from each other.
Sabrina: [toaster dings] Hey, I bet that's a letter from him. Get to the real grovelling parts.
Zelda: No, it's from the Witches' Council. It says they're temporarily out of quizmasters, so you'll have to be home-schooled.
Sabrina: Well, I'm sure you'll be an even better teacher than the quizmaster.
Zelda: I'm afraid I'm too busy substituting to do it. It's your aunt Hilda.
Hilda: You know what we haven't played in a long time? Goofy golf.
Sabrina: No!
Salem: And let's give a big warm welcome to sadness.

Wicked: You two are dead meat
[yelling to Sabrina and Harvey]
Salem: Back off lady it's the 90's nobody eats mortals anymore
Wicked: And I'll have kitty for dessert.
Salem: Would you look at the time
[jumps off the beanstalk]
Sabrina: I hope you land on your feet
[yells to Salem as he falls past her]

Salem: Nights like these make me glad I never had kittens.

Sabrina: [to her aunts] An arranged marriage? How could you sell me out like that?
Salem: [in fear of Aunt Irma] It was you or the omelet pan. Nice choice.

Sabrina: Hey. I don't dump on your lifestyle.
Salem: All I've done all day is eat, sleep and stare off into space. What an awful existence.

Salem: So the next time you're abroad, remember my simple rule, Kielbasa and sauerkraut, yes. Kielbasa and menudo and haggis, no.

Sabrina: I don't believe this. Look! Look!
Salem: Whoa! Who's your friend?
Zelda: It's her first wart as a witch.
Hilda: Oh, let me get the camera.

Sabrina: Salem, guard my door so Jenny doesn't go anywhere, okay?
Salem: Hey, dogs guard. Cats watch... and judge.

Sabrina: Then there's a call I have to make.
Salem: Well, you don't have to order me a pizza but make it half sausage, half clams.

Salem: [re Sabrina's new curvaceous figure] If you're here, who's co-hosting the Country Music Awards?
Roxie: [enters, with Morgan following] Sabrina, can we...?
[sees that red dress and ample figure]
Roxie: Wow! What's up with this get-up?
Sabrina: Oh, well, uh, Roxie, I would expect you of all people to know. I have adopted this outrageous look to make a statement about society's unreasonable expectations of female beauty.
Morgan: Oh, she's telling women to be prettier.
Roxie: No, Morgan, it's a feminist protest. Way to go, sister,
[really getting into it]
Roxie: Burn your bra!
Sabrina: [looking down wryly at her enhanced cleavage] Yeah, well, if I did, you could see the smoke in Baltimore.