The Best Sergeant Jay Landsman Quotes

Sgt. Jay Landsman: Jimmy, I say this seriously. If I was laying there dead on some Baltimore street corner, I'd want you standing over me, catching the case. Because, brother, when you were good, you were the best we had.
Det. William Moreland: Shit, if you were lying there dead on some corner, it probably was Jimmy that done you.

Sgt. Jay Landsman: Officer, uh...
Off. Beatrice 'Beadie' Russell: Russell.
Sgt. Jay Landsman: I am informed that you are detailed to this case as a liaison with the port police. I also understand that, uh... you are the only help that your department is sending.
Off. Beatrice 'Beadie' Russell: That so?
Sgt. Jay Landsman: Although there is some small charm to a woman in uniform, the fact remains we wear plainclothes in Homicide. Which is not to say that the clothes need be plain. For you I would suggest some pantsuits, perhaps, muted in color. Something to offset Detective Moreland's pinstriped lawyerly affectations, and the brash tweedy impertinence of Detective Freamon. Rawls is watchin' on this one. Let's at least pretend we got a fucking clue.
Detective: Tweedy impertinence? I like that.

Sgt. Jay Landsman: [referring to McNulty and Bunk] Look at 'em, Cole. Don't it make your dick bust concrete to be in the same room with two noble, selfless public servants?

Sgt. Jay Landsman: [about Freamon who is discovering bodies in the vacants] You know what he is? He is a vandal. He is vandalizing the board. He is vandalizing this unit. He is a Hun, a Visigoth, a Barbarian at the gate clamoring for noble roman blood and what's left of our clearance rate.

Sgt. Jay Landsman: From everything we've given you, fire should be shooting out your ass. But no, there you sit like a genital wart.

Det. James 'Jimmy' McNulty: [on their way to see Major Rawls] What the fuck can I tell him?
Sgt. Jay Landsman: Whatever the man wants to hear, Jimmy. Whatever he wants to hear.

Sgt. Jay Landsman: All that from overnight?
Det. Ed Norris: All that from Freamon. He's out early today, rooting through empties.
Sgt. Jay Landsman: You know what he is? He is a vandal. He is vandalizing the board. He is vandalizing this unit. He is a Hun, a Visigoth, a barbarian at the gate, clamoring for noble Roman blood and what's left of our clearance rate.

Sgt. Jay Landsman: [Landsman knocks on Rawls' door] Major, sir?
Maj. William A. Rawls: Yeah.
Sgt. Jay Landsman: I been thinkin'. It's a clear violation of the general orders, I know, but...
[Rawls motions for Landsman to sit]
Sgt. Jay Landsman: Last night, I'm at home, I'm sittin' up buck naked. And I, I got one hand wrapped around a cold domestic beer, and the other wrapped around my magnificent flaccid four-and-one-half-inch wonder, and I am trying with all my might to remember what Leila Kaufman's nipples looked like when her bathing top slipped off at the Hillendale Pool swim party.
Maj. William A. Rawls: [chuckling] Leila Kaufman?
Sgt. Jay Landsman: Yes, sir. Uh, summer of '72. I got this saucy wench in my gunsights, so to speak, and, uh... I am dangerously close to engorged when, all of a fuckin' sudden, out of fuckin' nowhere, fuckin' Detective fuckin' Jimmy McNulty pops into my head.
Maj. William A. Rawls: McNulty?
Sgt. Jay Landsman: Obviously, I gotta open my eyes and admit to myself that my whole night is ruined, at which point I got nothin' to do but think about the problems of Jimmy McNulty, because clearly, this guy and his fuckin' problems are standing between me and all worldly pleasure.
Maj. William A. Rawls: Clearly.
Sgt. Jay Landsman: First of all... it's not Jimmy's fault.
Maj. William A. Rawls: No?
Sgt. Jay Landsman: No. Jimmy is an addict, sir.
Maj. William A. Rawls: What's he addicted to?
Sgt. Jay Landsman: Himself.
[Rawls laughs]
Sgt. Jay Landsman: No, it's not funny, sir. As a matter of fact, it's a fuckin' tragedy, is what it is. The guy, he has come to believe that he is always the smartest fuck in the room. And you know what? It's not his fault, because let's face it, he's not goin' to Johns Hopkins or joining Mensa, he's taking a fuckin' job with the Bawlmer Police Department. His first two years in Homicide, he's in Ulmansky's squad, partnered with Tony LaMartino. Christ, it must've been months, even, he WAS the smartest fuck in the fuckin' room!
Maj. William A. Rawls: What's your point, Jay?
Sgt. Jay Landsman: My point is... he can't help it. It makes him an asshole, I know, but... it's also what makes him good police. Last year, he gives me eight clearances. One of them was a decomp floater who was John Doe for three weeks.
[Rawls doesn't say anything; Landsman starts to stand]
Maj. William A. Rawls: Tell your boy to wrap up that bullshit detail in two weeks. He does that, he comes home. Clean slate.
[Landsman smiles and leaves]

Sgt. Jay Landsman: He gave us thirteen years on the line. Not enough for a pension, but enough for us to know that he was, despite his negligible irish ancestry, his defects of personality and his inconstant sobriety and hygiene, a true murder police. Jimmy, I say this seriously. If I was laying there dead on some Baltimore street corner, I'd want it to be you standing over me, catching the case. Because, brother, when you were good, you were the best we had.

[Bunk tries to sneak into his cubicle unnoticed, but Landsman slowly looms up over the partition, loudly slurping a drink]
Det. William 'Bunk' Moreland: Aw, shit.
Sergeant: You tried to sneak by me, didn't ya?
Det. William 'Bunk' Moreland: I was just comin' in quiet and respectful.
Sergeant: Well, for a big man, you do have a dancer's grace. But I, sir, I have the eyes of an eagle. And the fact that you tried to slither into your workspace undetected does not bode well for the recovery prospect of our missing firearm, does it?
Det. William 'Bunk' Moreland: I'll get it.
Sergeant: Mm-hmm.
[Kima walks over]
Detective: What up, Mr. Bunk?
Det. William 'Bunk' Moreland: Hey, girlfriend.
Detective: Vernon Holley workin' tonight?
Sergeant: Uh, yeah, he's, um, 4-to-12. You should try the coffee room.
Detective: [realizes she's being shooed away] Yeah, all right.
[she leaves; Bunk and Landsman watch her go]
Sergeant: Man, I would murder that. If she wasn't, heh-heh-heh...
Det. William 'Bunk' Moreland: Particular?
[pause]
Sergeant: Find that gun.
Det. William 'Bunk' Moreland: [annoyed] Yeah, okay.
[Landsman leaves]
Det. William 'Bunk' Moreland: [under his breath] Muthafuck you too.