The Best Shiv Roy Quotes

Shiv: Man, you fucked my wedding in so many ways.
Kendall: Sorry. I'm sorry.

Shiv: Hey. Dad wasn't really, um... How... How bad was Dad?
Frank: He was a salty dog. He was. But he was a good egg.
Karl: What you saw was what you got.
Shiv: Yeah?
Frank: Yeah.
Shiv: Okay.

[last lines]
Tom: Hey.
Shiv: Hey.
[pause]
Shiv: Congratulations.
Tom: Oh, no.

Shiv: [Shiv has called a meeting of the siblings to decide what to do about Rhea] Not wanting to put a damper on Rhea's celebration or anything, but it's time we killed her, dead. Smash her skull with a rock.
Kendall: Okay
Connor: Nice. Way to ease us in, sis.
Roman Roy: We're there nibbles at this event? I was expecting nibbles.
Shiv: What I'm thinking is we just-we tell him direct. We just tell him, all of us, we won't have it.
Connor: Should I maybe take the floor? Would Rhea really be the worst thing in the world? Or does a woman from the outside actually make sense right now?
Shiv: All right, well-okay she got to you.
Connor: I'm fighting on two fronts and I may have to make a request to dad. No, okay, I'm just...
Shiv: This is bullshit, Ken?
Kendall: Well... I-I just-I think maybe you over played your hand.
Shiv: You're backing her too, rebounder? How'd she get to you? You think you'll be given another shot at some point? Doubt it, Ken. And Roman? You? No. She just thinks your a dipshit but maybe you can't see because you're too much of a fucking dipshit.
Roman Roy: Ah, well, I mean... oh fuck you. I know more about this company than any of you, dad and Gerry think so; they both care about management training.
Shiv: It's corporate daycare.
[Roman mimics it in a childish babble, then makes a fart noise]
Shiv: [They laugh] Don't laugh at that, that was not a good comeback. Good to know you're taking this serious.
Roman Roy: [He looks under a lampshade] I do.
Kendall: It's transparent. You know, Rhea's who dad wants. Clearly, so...
Roman Roy: [Roman hands her a card that says the word 'fart' on it] In case you want it in writing.
[She snatches it from him]
Connor: Full disclosure I'm starting to like her.
Shiv: [She throws it back at Roman] Aww, he likes her. Yeah, this is why you don't hatch a plan with Connor, the first fucking pancake.
Connor: First pancake. Okay. Thank you.
[He stands]
Connor: You're a brat. And none of you have been through what I've been through, so just...
Roman Roy: Aw, my mommy got send to the booby hatch and now I'm sad.

- I'm gonna put you in the office next to mine, and you're gonna be my sexy secretary.
Shiv: The fuck is wrong with you?
Roman Roy: I dunno.
- We're working on it.
- Ongoing process.
- ♪ [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Shiv: I mean, we have options.
Kendall: Sure... You could all ask for morphine, so you can stay in your painless fucking fantasy world where the orchids dance and the company is run by a magical fucking unicorn!

Tom: Okay.
- Now who are these assholes?
Shiv: This could get ugly.
- Can you imagine if someone actually cleaned up here, Tom?
- With a cleansing fucking zeal?
- Uh-huh. Like Mary Poppins with a hard on?
- No, like me. Or you.

Shiv: Don't like the past too much, huh?
Logan: I do. I do. It's, uh... It's just there's so much of it. The future is real, but... the past, well it's... all made up.

Roman Roy: Is he... is he... is he in there?
Connor: Yeah.
Shiv: Yeah.
Roman Roy: Can we get him out?

Kendall: Come on, Dad, what are you sorry for? Sorry for fucking ignoring Connor his whole life?
Connor: Bit strong.
Kendall: Hitting Roman when he was a kid?
Roman Roy: Oh no, I mean everyone hit me. I'm fucking annoying.
Kendall: For having Connor's mother locked up?
Connor: Can we not do a whole show trial here?
Shiv: What about advising Tom on my divorce? Yeah? I mean, that one... that took effort. That was above and beyond.
Logan: Tom asked me for advice and I recommended someone he could speak to. You were not around. If you'd been around, I'd have offered you the same advice but I can't help you if you won't see me.

Tom: You are incapable of thinking about anybody other than yourself because your sense of who you are, Shiv, is that fuckin' thin!
Shiv: Oh yeah, you read that in a book, Tom?
Tom: You're too fuckin' transparent to find in a book!

Shiv: We don't have any feelings, what are you talking about?
- -Who is this helping?
- -[HELICOPTER WHIRS]
- Okay.
- Emotional gunship incoming.
- Yeah, send out the distress signal.
- We're under attack.

- That's why...
[DRAWS OUT WORD] Maybe.
- ...you love me.
- Fuck you.
- Even though I don't love you.
- Uh-huh.
Shiv: But you want me anyway.

- All right, I gotta circulate.
- We can check in later.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That'd be great
- I'd like that.
- It's a great night.
- I'm happy you're here.
- Fucking best birthday ever.
Shiv: Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Later.
- ♪ [MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]

- Can't even hug your own kids.
- Yeah, I saw that, you freak.
Logan: Pinkie.
- Happy?
Shiv: Yeah. Smart.
- Uh, let me know if you need anything.

Tom: No, not this one.
- I don't like it.
Shiv: You don't like it?
- What's wrong with this one?
- -TOM: I can see a sea urchin.
- -SHIV: Oh, come on! Tom!
Tom: Next cove, please, Julius.
- There are infinite coves.
- Let's find the perfect one.

Logan: [Logan receiving a gift from Connor] Oh, wonderful. What is it?
Connor: Well...
Roman Roy: Oh yes, yes, it's a goo. It's a fucking goo?
Shiv: It's perfect.
Connor: It's sourdough starter. I thought that you might like to make something.
Logan: Ohh... great.
Connor: Yeah, okay. You shouldn't have opened it. Never mind. Forget it. It was an idea. I thought you might like it.
Logan: I do, I do. I just don't know what the fuck it is!

- or we'll take our chances on the vote.
- Nope. He's not gonna fold on the jets.
- So we'll go to the vote.
- Seriously? Why?
Shiv: Uh, I don't know.
- I just do what my dad tells me.

- I mean, I know it's the same...
- I don't get why you keep wanting to talk about it.
[LAUGHS] Okay, I'm sorry.
- Does the topic of my imminent imprisonment bore you?
Shiv: Come on! You're just--
- You're obsessing! I just--
- I can't keep going round and round, okay?

- Coming from where?
- Oh, front row, cheap seats, every-fucking-where.
Shiv: Not from me.
- What are you doing at the moment?
- -I'm free.
- -LOGAN: We'll set a date.
- It's time to bring you in.

Logan: Is this one of those things I need a woman to explain to me why it's bad? Shiv, is it bad?
Shiv: Don't f**king ask me. I'm not your grope Geiger counter.

Shiv: So what happened with the fake therapy? Any pretend breakthroughs? Any good performances?
Connor: Nothing. Our therapist died.
Shiv: What?
Connor: Metaphorically speaking.
Tom: He smashed his teeth out in the pool.
Shiv: Oh, my god...
Tom: Freud would have had a field day.

Logan: Everybody smile.
Roman Roy: I am smiling.
Shiv: Yeah, not like a pervert.

- and takes a few assets, but it's Matsson's fucking board.
- Can we trust that?
- Is that real?
Shiv: Kendall, I know this isn't ideal, but we have to talk about this now.
- ♪ [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS]

Shiv: It's not my fault he's got a sex thing.
- Was I too harsh?
Kendall: Are you kidding?
- He loves it. He-- he'll be out there, jerking off wearing my ex-wife's panties.
- ♪ [VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]
- Welcome to Sarajevo.
Marcia: Thank you.

Roman Roy: Roman Roy : We Just made a Good night of T.V. That's what we've done. Nothing Happens.
Shiv: Shiv Roy : Things do happen, Rome.

Shiv: I love you.
Tom: Great, thanks.

Shiv: I love you, but I cannot fucking stomach you.

Shiv: No, absolutely not.
- I don't want to have a big fucking dick blasting off at my wedding.
- It's not a big fucking dick. Okay?
Shiv: Yeah, it is, it's a rocket.
- It's not the fault of rockets, or dicks, they both happen to be aerodynamic in shape.
Shiv: You're unbelievable.
- This is not happening.

- ...baby popsicles.
- Baby...
- Baby popsicles.
Shiv: Uh-huh.
- Don't fall in!
Shiv: [LAUGHS]
- ♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Shiv: You wanna be my dad's little bitch boy now, Tom? Well, deliver him a message for me, bitch boy. Tell him to fuck off and stay out of my life!

- Well, I actually do have some calls to make, so--
Shiv: No. Unrelated.
- Take a moment.
- But this stays in here, yeah?
Roman Roy: Absolutely.
Connor: Yeah.
- Okay.

- Oh, well.
- What a sweet little scene that must've been.
- Very touching, I'm sure.
- Actually, it's quite good.
Shiv: Why?
- Just you're being the second-most important person at your wedding.
- Take the pressure off.

Shiv: What if Dad flutters his eyelids at you, Rome? You gonna melt?
Roman Roy: No. As long as you guys don't go Water Pistols In Bali.
Shiv: Water Pistols In Bali?
Roman Roy: Yeah, Water Pistols In Bali. When we were all gonna go squirt Dad in the canopy. I went in and you two fucks left me for dead?
Shiv: I don't recall.
Roman Roy: That's convenient.

Shiv: See, you can't be CEO. You can't, because you killed someone.
Kendall: W-which?
Shiv: What?
Roman Roy: What do you mean, which? You mean you've killed so many people, you forgot which one?

- You know, did you-- did you keep the receipt?
- Go get-go-Go take it back for a refund.
Roman Roy: He's opening the summer palace to keep the summit out of view.
- It's the full fuckin' number.
Shiv: Okay. Yeah, well, I'll see you at the hellhole, bro.
- See you at the shitpit, sis.

- Oh. Laird's called me back.
- Oh, yeah?
- Uh-Yeah. Just one minute.
- Oh, yeah?
Shiv: Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay. Take that call.
- Leave me here with all the feelings.
- Thank you.
Shiv: Hey, Laird.
- Go on. What's up?

Shiv: He's a sociopath, but he wouldn't be a good torturer. Not 'cause he doesn't have the stomach, but he doesn't have the patience.

- Mm-hmm.
Roman Roy: What the fuck?
- Yeah.
- ♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES]
- Um...
Shiv: Rome.
Roman Roy: Okay.

Shiv: Uh--
- ♪ Rape me
- ♪ Rape me
- ♪ Rape me
- ♪ Rape me
- ♪ Rape me
- ♪ Rape me
- ♪ Rape me...
- Fucking...
- ♪ [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS]

- Where do you wanna wait?
Shiv: Yeah. Of course.
Kendall: Okay. [SNIFFLES]

Shiv: Hey, Rome.
Roman Roy: Yeah.
Shiv: What's happening? Where's Dad? We're supposed to be talking.
Roman Roy: Yeah, yeah, something came in. He's hunkering. He wanted me to tell you, "Sorry, rain check. Maybe in the a.m. Maybe." Are your nips hard? They must be, because you are so out in the cold.

Tom: I'm sorry, but you have hurt me more than you could possibly imagine.
Shiv: You took away the last six months I could've had with my dad!
Tom: No.
Shiv: Yes!
Tom: No.
Shiv: Yes. You sucked up to him and you cut me out!
Tom: It's not my fault that you didn't get his approval. I have given you endless approval and it doesn't fill you up because you're broken.

- Climate said
- I should just step aside.
- I guess...
- I'm a climate denier.
- Uh? I'm sorry, this is how it happens?
- Good night.
Shiv: Dad?
- Definitely fucking.

- What? Leave it.
- Rome. Just-Rome.
Shiv: [CHUCKLING] What?
- Okay, fine. I'll...
- That was low.
- That was an overreaction.
- That was not.
- Can we just try to keep this nice? Yeah?

- -Dad! Dad! Dadl -dad! I
Roman Roy: Just, yeah. A hospital.
- Take us to a hospital.
- Okay, yeah, now!
Shiv: Has he fainted?
- He fainted? He's hot.
Connor: He's really hot. I don't know.

Shiv: Fuck you. This is about the future of the country.
Roman Roy: No, I think it's because you broke up with your boyfriend.

Shiv: [Shiv has called a meeting of the siblings to decide about Rhea] Not wanting to put a damper on Rhea's celebration or anything but it's time we killed her, dead. Smash her skull with a rock.
Kendall: Okay
Connor: Nice. Way to ease us in, sis.
Roman Roy: We're there nibbles at this event? I was expecting nibbles
Shiv: What I'm thinking is we just-we tell him direct. We just tell him, all of us, we won't have it.
Connor: Should I maybe take the floor? Would Rhea really be the worst thing in the world? Or does a woman from the outside actually make sense right now?
Shiv: All right, well-okay she got to you.
Connor: I'm fighting on two fronts and I may have to make a request to dad. No. Shiv, I'm just...
Shiv: This is bullshit. Ken?
Kendall: Well... I-I just-I think maybe you over played your hand.
Shiv: You're backing her too, rebounder? How'd she get to you? You think you'll be given another shot at some point? Doubt it, Ken. And Roman? You? No. She just thinks your a dipshit, but maybe it's because your too much of a fucking dipshit to realize it.
Roman Roy: Ah, well, I mean... oh fuck you. Dad, Gerry; they all care about me taking management training.
Shiv: It's corporate daycare.
[He mimics in a childish babble then makes a fart noise]
Shiv: [They laugh] Don't laugh, that was not a good comeback. Good to know you're taking this serious.
Roman Roy: [He looks under a lampshade] I do.
Kendall: It's transparent. You know, Rhea's who dad wants. Clearly, so...
Roman Roy: [Roman hands her a card that say the word 'fart' on it] In case you want it in writing.
[She snatches it from him]
Connor: Full disclosure I'm starting to like her.
Shiv: [She throws it back at Roman] Aww, he likes her. Yeah, this is why you don't hatch a plan with Connor, the first fucking pancake.
Connor: First pancake. Okay, thank you.
[He stands]
Connor: You're a brat. And none of you have been through what I've been through, so just...
Roman Roy: Aw, my mommy got sent to the booby hatch and now I'm sad.
Connor: Fuck off.
[He leaves]
Kendall: I think you're being a little too emotional about this whole thing.
[He leaves]
Shiv: Oh, my fucking god. Are you throwing the emotional card on me? Fuck sake.
Roman Roy: I mean I was gonna mansplain it to you but I think he did a very good job.
[Roman leaves]

Shiv: Rome, I think you're a super talented superstar, and I-I love you.
Roman Roy: Oh you're such a fucking bitch.