Top 50 Quotes From The Wolf of Wall Street

Jordan: She designs women's panties too? Oh, my God!

Naomi: I want a divorce.
Jordan: What do you mean you want a divorce? What is that supposed to mean, you want a divorce?
Naomi: Get off me! I want a divorce. Get off.
Jordan: You just made love to me. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Naomi: I don't love you anymore, Jordan!
Jordan: Oh, you don't love me? You don't love me anymore, huh? Well isn't that just fucking convenient for you! Now that I'm under federal indictment with an electronic bracelet around my ankle, now you decide you don't fucking love me anymore. Is that right?
Naomi: No, no.
Jordan: What kind of person are you? Tell me.
Naomi: You married me!
Jordan: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Naomi: Jordan, this is how it's gonna go. I'm gonna take custody of the kids. If you agree to the divorce right now, I will allow visitation. Okay? Don't try to fight it.
Jordan: Oh my God.
Naomi: It will save us both a lot of money and I got a feeling you're gonna need it.
Jordan: You're not taking my kids, sweetheart. You hear me?
Naomi: I've already talked to the lawyer. He said even if you don't get convicted I've got a good chance of getting them.
Jordan: I got news for you. You're not fucking taking my children you vicious fucking cunt, you!
[Naomi slaps Jordan and he slaps her back]
Jordan: Fuck you! You fucking bitch! You're not fucking taking my goddamn fucking kids! You hear me? Fuck you! You're not fucking taking my fucking kids! Fucking whore.
Naomi: [Sees Jordan snorting cocaine] Look at yourself, Jordan. You're sick! You're a sick man!
Jordan: Fuck you! I told you, you're not taking my fucking kids.
Naomi: You think I would let my kids near you? Look at yourself! You know what my lawyer said? My lawyer said that you're going to prison for 20 years, Jordan! Twenty fucking years! You're never gonna see the kids again! No, I'm not fucking letting you near my kids!
Jordan: You don't think I'm gonna see my fucking kids again, huh?

[repeated line]
Jordan: Sell me this pen!

Jordan: [dubious] S-so if I, if I sell a stock at $10,000, my commission is 5,000 bucks.
Dwayne: If you sell $10,000 worth of this stock, I will personally give you a blowjob for free
[Jordan laughs]
Dwayne: ... and I hope it happens.
[both laugh]

Max: What kind of hooker takes credit cards?
Donnie: A rich one!

Jordan: I fucked her brains out... for eleven seconds.

Nicholas the Butler: [Naomi walks in on a gay orgy] Oh, hey! Is it Wednesday already?

Jordan: I am not gonna die sober!

Donnie: [peeing on his subpoena] Fuck you, U.S.A. Fuck you, U.S.A. Fuck you! Fuck you!

Donnie: Jesus Christ, I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.
Jordan: Where are the 'ludes'?
Donnie: They're up my ass. Don't worry about it, I got it.
Jordan: [sigh of relief] Thank God.

Jordan: [throwing money at the FBI agents] Fun coupons!

Jordan: Oh my God! You had to deal with the Golf Course people too! What a greek tragedy! Honey oh my God!, you probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden, and actually had to do some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all day? Huh? Cause I can't keep track of your professions honey! Last month you were a wine connoisseur, and now you're an aspiring landscape architect, Isn't that right?
Naomi: Fuck you!
Jordan: Don't you dare throw that fucking water on me! Don't you fucking dare!

Mark: The name of the game, moving the money from the client's pocket to your pocket.
Jordan: But if you can make your clients money at the same time it's advantageous to everyone, correct?
Mark: No.

Jordan: This right here is the land of opportunity. This is America. This is my home! The show goes on!
[quoting Norma Rae]
Jordan: They're gonna need to send in the National Guard to take me out, cos I ain't going nowhere!

Naomi: Did you just cum?
Jordan: Oh yeah. I just came. Did you? Did you cum?
Naomi: No.
Jordan: No? OK. I'm still hard. Just give me a second.
Naomi: Sure.

Jordan: Hello, John. How are you doing today? You mailed in my company a postcard a few weeks back, requesting information on penny stocks that had huge upside potential with very little downside risk. Does that ring a bell?
John: Yeah, I may have sent something.
Jordan: Okay, great. The reason for the call today, John, is something just came across my desk, John. It is perhaps the best thing I've seen in the last six months. If you have 60 seconds, I'd like to share the idea with you. You got a minute?
John: Actually, I'm really very...
Jordan: The name of the company, Aerotyne International. It is a cutting edge high-tech firm out of the Midwest, awaiting imminent patent approval on the next generation of radar detectors that have both huge military and civilian applications. Now, right now, John, the stock trades over-the-counter at 10 cents a share. And by the way, John, our analysts indicate it could go a heck of a lot higher than that. Your profit on a mere $6,000 investment could be upwards of $60,000!
John: Jesus! That's my mortgage, man.
Jordan: Exactly. You could pay off your mortgage.
John: This stock will pay off my house?
Jordan: John, one thing I can promise you, even in this market, is that I never ask my clients to judge me on my winners. I ask them to judge me on my losers, because I have so few. And in the case of Aerotyne, based on every technical factor out there, John, we are looking at a grand slam home run.
John: Okay, let's do it. I'll do four grand.
Jordan: $4,000? That'd be 40,000 shares, John. Let me lock in that trade right now and get back to you with my secretary with an exact confirmation. Sound good, John?
John: Yeah, sounds good.
Jordan: Great. Hey, John. Thank you for your vote of confidence and welcome to the Investor's Center.

Jordan: [narrating to the camera] An I.P.O. is an initial public offering. It's the first time a stock is offered for sale to the general population. Now as the firm taking the company public, we set the initial sales price then sold those shares right back to our friends. Yet...
[stops and chuckles]
Jordan: Look, I know you're not following what I'm saying anyway, right? That's... that's okay, that doesn't matter. The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely fucking not. But we were making more money than we knew what do with.

Max: Jordy, one of these days the chickens are gonna come home to roost.
Jordan: You're lookin' at me like I'm crazy.
Max: Crazy? This is obscene!
Jordan: [voice over] It was obscene, in the normal world. I mean, who the fuck wanted to live there?

Naomi: Wake up, you piece of shit! Who's Venice?
Jordan: Who?
Naomi: Huh?
Jordan: Who? Who?
Naomi: Who? What are you, a fucking owl? Who is she? Some little hooker you were fucking last night?
Jordan: What the fuck are you talking about? No. No way, baby, no!
Naomi: You were calling her name in your sleep!
Jordan: Are you out of your fucking mind? I don't even know who Venice is. What the fuck does that even mean? Venice. That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life!
[after flashback of sex with Venice]
Jordan: That's right. That's right, I forgot. Donnie and I were investing in a condominium complex in Venice. That's why all this confusion.
Naomi: Oh, you're investing in Italy?
Jordan: Not Italy. California, baby!
Naomi: Oh, California? You're a lying piece of shit!
Jordan: Duchess, baby, come on!
Naomi: Don't you fucking Duchess me! Don't you Duchess me! Do you really think that I don't know what you're up to? You're a father now, Jordan.
Jordan: Yeah! I know.
Naomi: You're a father now. And you're still acting like an infant!
[throws water in his face]
Jordan: FUCK! GODDAMN IT! Baby, you know you got real anger issues.
Naomi: Who is the one who flew in here at 3:00 in the morning on their stupid helicopter and woke up Skylar? That was you! Doesn't even matter to you! Does it even matter to you that I just had that driving range sodded with Bermuda grass, Jordan, and now you fucking wrecked it!
Jordan: Oh, Bermuda grass.
Naomi: No, you didn't research the whole thing and deal with the fucking golf course people!
Jordan: Oh my God! You had to deal with the gold course people, too! What a Greek tragedy honey! Oh my God! You probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden! And actually do some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all day, huh? Because I can't keep track of your professions, honey. Last month you were a wine connoisseur, now you're an aspiring landscape architect. Let me get that right.
Naomi: Fuck you!
Jordan: Don't fucking dare throw that fucking water at me. Don't you fucking dare.

Jordan: After 15 years in storage, the lemmons had developed a delayed fuse. It took 90 minutes for these fuckers to kick in but once they did, *pow.* And I had skipped the tingle phase and jumped straight to the drool phase. These little bastards were so strong I had discovered a whole new phase. The Cerebral Palsy phase.

Patrick: Most of the Wall Street jackasses that I bust, they're to the manor born. Their fathers are douchebags, just like their fathers before them. But you... You, Jordan, you got this way all on your own.
Jordan: Did I?
Patrick: Good for you, little man.
Jordan: Little man?
Jordan: Me, the little man?
Patrick: Let me tell you something else. Honestly, I'm not bullshitting here, this is one of the nicest boats that I've ever been on. I gotta tell you.
Jordan: I bet it is.
Patrick: And you wanna know what I was just thinking too? The fucking hero I'm gonna be back at the office when the Bureau seizes this fucking boat. Because, I mean, fuckety fuck fuck, Jordan, look at this thing! It's beautiful! And you got the beautiful girls there. It's wonderful.
Jordan: [laughing] All right, get the fuck off my boat.
Patrick: I'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.
Jordan: I'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable, ugly fucking wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime.

Patrick: Let me give you some legal advice: Shut the fuck up!

Jordan: So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good, pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich!

Jordan: [in thoughts] What I'm asking, you Swiss dick, is are you going to fuck me over?
Jean: [also in thoughts] I understand perfectly, you American shit.
Jean: Ça depend.
Jordan: Ça depend on what exactly?
Jean: Whether America plans to invade Switzerland in the upcoming months.

Jordan: On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my "back pain", Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine... Well, because it's awesome. But of all the drugs under God's blue heaven, here is one that is my absolute favorite. See, enough of this shit will make you invincible - able to conquer the world. And eviscerate your enemies.
[Sniffs cocaine]
Jordan: And I'm not talking about this... I'm talking about this.
[Shows 100$]

Donnie: I'll tell you what: I'm never eating at Benihana again. I don't care whose birthday it is.

Jordan: You wanna know what money sounds like? Go to a trading floor on Wall street. "Fuck this, shit that. Cunt, cock, asshole." I couldn't believe how these guys talked to each other! I was hooked in seconds. It was like mainlining adrenaline.

Jordan: The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.

Donnie: How much money you make?
Jordan: $70,000 last month.
Donnie: Get the fuck outta here!
Jordan: Well, technically, $72,000 last month.
Donnie: You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my job right now and work for you.
[later, on the phone]
Donnie: Hey Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey, listen, I quit!

Mark: Number one rule of Wall Street. Nobody - and I don't care if you're Warren Buffet or if you're Jimmy Buffet - nobody knows if a stock is going to go up, down, sideways or in circles. You know what a fugazi is?
Jordan: Fugayzi, it's a fake.
Mark: Fugayzi, fugazi. It's a whazy. It's a woozie. It's fairy dust. It doesn't exist. It's never landed. It is no matter. It's not on the elemental chart. It's not fucking real.

[last lines]
Jordan: I'm not ashamed to admit it: my first time in prison, I was terrified. For a moment, I had forgotten I lived in a world where everything was for sale. Wouldn't you like to know how to sell it?

Donnie: I got a couple of mil' comin' in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a call and you come pick it up.
Brad: You'll give me a call?
Donnie: When it gets here, I'll give you a call and you'll come pick it up.
Chantalle: Well, we don't work for you, man!
Donnie: Sweetheart, you have my money taped to your tits. Technically, you do work for me.

Jordan: [holding his child] Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?
Naomi: Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.
Jordan: Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn't mean any of it!
Naomi: Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.
Jordan: Yeah?
Naomi: Yeah.
Naomi: [pushes him away with her legs] But no touching.
Jordan: Oh, gosh.

Jordan: See those little black boxes? They're called telephones. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about these telephones. They're not gonna dial themselves. Okay? Without you, they're just worthless hunks of plastic. Like a loaded M16 without a trained marine to pull the trigger.

Jordan: [to the waiter] Oh, I'm good with water for now.
Mark: It's his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.

Donnie: Jordan, it's fucking good, right? It's fucked up.
[laughing hysterically]
[swipes at Donnie]
Donnie: Hey! I'm on the phone!

Jordan: I heard some stupid shit. I... I didn't even want to bring it up. It's just... stupid.
Donnie: Shit with me?
Jordan: You know, just... people say shit. I don't even know. I don't even listen to it half the time.
Donnie: What do they say?
Jordan: Shit about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even listen to it. It doesn't even...
Donnie: No... it's not like that. It's not like that.
Jordan: You know what I mean? Like you married your cousin or some stupid shit, you know?
Donnie: Yeah, my wife... yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever. But it's not like what you think or whatever, you know...
Jordan: Is she like a... first cousin, or is she...
Donnie: Yeah, no. She... you know, her... her father is the... is the brother of my mom.
Jordan: Mhm.
Donnie: It's not like... Look. We grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know. She fuckin' grew up hot and all of my friends were trying to fuck her, you know, and I wasn't... I'm not gonna let someone, you know, one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I, you know, used the cousin thing as like... like an in with her. I'm not gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone is gonna fuck my cousin it's gonna be me, out of... out of respect, you know?
Jordan: No, I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're not afraid of like the whole kid thing, right? Like the whole...
Donnie: What, if the kid's retarded?
Jordan: Yeah.
Donnie: No, we have two kids.
Jordan: And they're... I mean, I don't want to get personal or anything, but are they okay?
Donnie: No, they're not retarded or anything like that...
Jordan: But there's a big chance, right? The whole...
Donnie: Yeah, there's like a 60 percent, you know... 60, 65 percent chance the kid's gonna be fuckin' retarded or whatever...
Jordan: That'd scare the shit out of me, buddy.
Donnie: Look, man... a lot of having a kid or whatever takes risk, whether you're fuckin' cousins or not, you know...
Jordan: What if... what if you... I mean, what if something like that happened?
Donnie: Well, basically, you know, if the kid was retarded I would... I would, you know, drive it up to the country and just like, you know, open the door and let it... say "You're free now!" You know? Like, "Run free!" You know?

Jordan: [Wakes up on plane; finds he is restrained by a seatbelt across his chest] Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Donnie. Donnie, this isn't... this isn't funny, you gotta untie me, buddy.
Donnie: I can't untie you! The captain tied you up, he almost fuckin' tasered you!
Jordan: Why?
Donnie: Why? You were, like, screaming at people. You were on the floor rollin' around and shit.
Jordan: Oh, Jesus.
Donnie: You called the captain the n-word.
Jordan: I called the captain the n-word?
Donnie: Yeah, he was very upset.
Jordan: Really?
Donnie: Luckily we're in first class. Jesus Christ. I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.

Jordan: My name is Jordan Belfort. I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.

Jordan: [when asked who is Captain Ahab] The book, motherfucker, the book!

Jordan: You want a beer, pal?
Donnie: What are you drinkin'?
Jordan: I got this non-alcoholic shit...
Donnie: What's that?
Jordan: It's like a non-alcoholic beer. It's got no... no alcohol.
Donnie: It's a beer?
Jordan: Yeah, with no alcohol.
Donnie: But, you drink enough and... you drink a lot and it'll get you fucked up?
Jordan: No, there's no alcohol. That's the fuckin' point.
Donnie: I'm not a scientist; I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I can get you beer if you want fuckin' beer.
Jordan: I know, but I don't drink, remember? I don't drink anymore.
Donnie: What, you wanna go inside and blow some lines of baking powder, baking soda? Can't imagine ever not enjoying getting fucked up. I love it.
Jordan: Yeah...
Donnie: How's being sober?
Jordan: It fuckin' sucks.
Donnie: Boring, right?
Jordan: So boring. I'm gonna kill myself.

Jordan: Donnie and I were going out on our own. And the first thing we needed was brokers. Guys with sales experience. So I recruited some of my home town boys. Sea Otter, who sold meat and weed. Chester, who sold tires and weed. And Robbie, who sold anything he can get his hands on, mostly weed. This is Brad, and Brad is the guy I really wanted. But he didn't go along with us. He was making so much money selling Quaaludes that he become the Quaalude King of Bayside.

Donnie: I check my messages every day when I come home from work... my answering machine... zero! I got a blinkling light because I don't have shit from you. I got my wife... I got my wife checking the messages every forty-five minutes calling the office saying. "Has Brad apologized yet? Is there an apology message on the machine?" I don't have jack-shit. You know what? That's not how you treat people.
Brad: You gotta be a fucking pal... You know what, I'm gonna give you a fucking pass, just give me the case.
Donnie: You're gonna give me a pass?
Brad: Look, it's a figure of fucking speech, just give me the fucking...
Donnie: Oh my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it, is it mayhem? Are people looting and raping? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?

Jordan: People say shit... I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.
Donnie: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.
Jordan: Is she like, a first cousin?
Donnie: Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.

Jordan: Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I have been a rich man and I have been a poor man. And I choose rich every fuckin' time. Because, at least as a rich man, when I have to face my problems, I show up in the back of the limo, wearing a $2000 suit and a $40,000 gold fuckin' watch.

Jordan: Brad, show them how it's done. Sell me that pen. Watch. Go on.
Brad: You want me to sell you this fucking pen?
Jordan: That's my boy right there. Can fucking sell anything.
Brad: Why don't you do me a favor. Write your name down on that napkin for me.
Jordan: I don't have a pen.
Brad: Exactly. Supply and demand, my friend.

Jordan: My wife, Naomi, the Duchess of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. A former model and Miller Lite girl. Yeah. She was the one with my cock in her mouth in the Ferrari, so put your dick back in your pants.

Mark: So if you've got a client who bought stock at 8 and now it's at 16 and he's all fucking happy, he wants to cash in and liquidate, take his fucking money and run home, you don't let him do that... 'cause that would make it real.

Mark: You gotta stay relaxed. Do you jerk off?
Jordan: What? Do I jerk off? Yeah. Yeah, I jerk off. Yeah.
Mark: How many times a week?
Jordan: Like, um, three or four. Three or four times, maybe five.
Mark: Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least twice a day.
Jordan: Wow.
Mark: Once in the morning, right after I work out. And then once right after lunch.
Jordan: Really?
Mark: I want to. That's not why I do it. I do it cause I fuckin' need to.

Max: $430,000 in one month, Jordy. Huh?
Jordan: They're business expenses.
Max: Jordy, look what you've got here. Look at this! $26,000 for one fucking dinner!
Jordan: No, no, this can be explained. Dad, we had clients, Pfizer clients. Champagne.
Nicky: The porterhouse from Argentina.
Jordan: Expensive champagne and the what, we had to buy champagne.
[to Donnie]
Jordan: And you brought in all the sides... Tell him about the sides.
Donnie: I ordered the sides, so...
Max: Sides? Sides? $26,000 worth of sides? What are these sides? They cure cancer?
Donnie: The sides did cure cancer, that's the problem, that's why they were so expensive.
Jordan: [bursting into laughter] Shut the fuck up!
Donnie: I'm serious.