The Best Carter Chong Quotes

Corrado: Two fags decide they want a baby. So they jack off in a cup, use the sperm to get a lady friend of theirs pregnant. Nine months later they go to the hospital. They see all the babies in the nursery. "Look," they say, "Our baby's the sweetest one. He's not even cryin' at all!". Uh, uh... Goddamn it, what the fuck is it?
Carter: "Now he's not crying," the nurse says, "Just wait till we get the pacifier out of his ass."

Carter: [reciting the letter Junior asked him to write] "Dear Vice President Cheney, as a powerful man all too familiar with accidental gunplay, I am writing in the hope that you will "intervene" in my case, like yourself, I was involved in an "unfortunate incident" when the gun I was "handling" misfired"

Carter: [while entering his room] I brought you your tea
Corrado: [before giving him plastic buttons, they use as poker chips] You did a good job tonight kid, here's a taste
Carter: [waves them off, refusing them] It's alright
Corrado: [insistently] Take it: you earned it
Corrado: There was a time once I was a kid, my old man was a stonemason, took me to work, a job, building a wall a rich lady's garden. She comes home, I help carry her groceries, she goes to give me quarter, which was a lot in those days but I say No. She goes in, no sooner than she closes the door, my old man gave me a crack right across the mouth
Corrado: [impersonating his father with an Italian accent] What're you a millionaire? You don't need money? You don't like to eat?
Carter: Wow
Corrado: Even still, he was right: he made me walk home that night, eleven fuckin miles from Essex Fells back to Newark
Carter: [surprised] I'm from Essex Fells
Corrado: A rich kid, huh?
Carter: Once in third grade, I got a ninety-six on my spelling test: highest mark in the class, I was so proud, I brought it home to show my dad, he says What happened to the other four points?
Carter: [suddenly angry, shouting and cursing at the memory of his father] Fuck you, fuck you