The Best Patsy Parisi Quotes

Paulie: [while entering the back office of the Bada Bing strip club] I'll tell you one thing: If it was me this kid was spreading rumors about, he'd have something up his own ass. And it wouldn't be no cock either.
Carlo: That's the point though. This guy Sal, I know him. He's a friend of ours.
Christopher: I fuckin' called it, long time ago.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the Italian slang term for homosexuals] You knew Vito was "ricuin"?
Christopher: Yes.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When?
Christopher: I never said it, but I knew.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Get the fuck out, huh? And enough of this "rush to judgment", for all we know this fuckin' Sal guy's got a hard on for Vito.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Christopher after he starts laughing] Oh, you think this is funny? There's a man's reputation at stake here!
Paulie: Married man, with kids.
Carlo: That don't mean shit. Elton John was married.
Silvio: Yeah. Rock Hudson too, I think.
Christopher: So, what'd we got to do? Actually see him take it in the ass?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Patsy] Get Vito on the phone.
Silvio: You know he called me the other night? Three o'clock in the morning after the wedding.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And?
Silvio: Honestly, it was weird. He wanted to know what was going on.
Christopher: He was fuckin' fishing, see if we heard.
Patsy: [to Tony, after calling Vito's cell phone] Straight to voicemail.
Silvio: Tone, I mean, he represents us.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm not going to condemn the man off the word from some fuckin' douche bag from Yonkers.
Patsy: I could care less basically.
Paulie: Yeah? Maybe *you're* a "flambé"?
Carlo: Fuckin nauseating. If it was up to me I'd drag Vito behind my fuckin' car right now.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, will you take it easy over there, fuckin' Judge Roy Bean?
Christopher: One of my bar girls knows his goomah. Check with her maybe, she's seen him or knows where he is. Lauren.
Carlo: Think about it though, Tone. Sudden weight loss...
Paulie: [Shocked] AIDS?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nobody's got AIDS! I don't want to hear that word in here again!

Bobby: [after entering the room] Vito, he was found beat to death in a motel near Fort Lee, my cop up there told me. Plus the homicide detectives said he had a pool cue rammed up his ass
Christopher: [Jokingly] Lovers' quarrel, maybe
Tony: Look, we all know who did it
Christopher: Phil: fuckin balls on that prick, what'd I always say about him?
Carlo: [after entering the room and noticing the expression on everyone's face] I see you've heard the news, it must've been Phil right?
Silvio: [comparing him to the fictional reporter that appeared in the comic books] Jimmy Olsen over here
Carlo: I know I was out of line but still you kind of have to admire the guy. It's not all talk with him. I'm just saying he saved us all a lot of trouble right?
Tony: It can't have been an easy decision: killing a made guy. Naturally Phil won't brag about it because he can't. Phil's in a touch situation. His family, honor was stained. If I got to Vito first that result would've been the same
Patsy: I wish I borrowed money from Vito

Tony: [Tony enters the room and everybody becomes quiet] alright let's dispense with the five hundred pound elephant in the room, my kid tried to off himself we all fucking know, that's it? Nobody's got nothing to say?
Bobby: How's he doing?
Tony: They got him "under observation" whatever the fuck that means
[to himself]
Tony: stupid fuck, where did I lose this kid?
[to everybody]
Tony: what did I do wrong?
Silvio: Don't blame yourself
Bobby: A lot of pressure on kids today
Tony: It's enough for him to try to kill himself?
Bobby: It happens
Tony: [to Bobby] did it happen to your kids?
[to patsy]
Tony: or yours?
Patsy: They're all different my son Patrick I love him to death but he can be a moody prick sometimes
Silvio: When heather was fifteen she went through a rough patch
Patsy: Jason same thing, his got the hyperactivity to boot
Carlo: My son too, the older one James
Paulie: He tried to kill himself?
Carlo: No, I don't know he gets the blues
Silvio: The important thing is AJ is getting the help he needs, whatever it is I'm sure it's just a chemical imbalance
Paulie: If you ask me it's all these toxins the kids are exposed to, it fucks with their brains, between the Mercury in fish alone, it's a wonder why there's even more kids jumping off bridges

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [when Christopher shows his wedding ring to them] is that what I think it is?
Christopher: you are now looking at a newly wedded man
Patsy: [smiles and raises his glass to him] holy shit!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Kelli?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Christopher nods] what the fuck brought this on?
Christopher: [referring to Kelli is pregnant with his child] a "visit from the stork coming up"
Silvio: [jokingly] you ever heard of "pulling out?"
Patsy: [referring to the sex of the baby] know what you're having?
Christopher: boy, I hope. I'll tell you T, with the example you set, plus the wisdom I learned in AA, it's an inspiration: building blocks, home, family
Silvio: yeah, that's what it's all about kid

Gloria: [while taking a test drive in a car, after Patsy stopped in an empty parking lot] look, if I'm not back in ten minutes they call the cops: standard operating procedure
Patsy: [Takes out a gun and points it at her] here's some "standard operating procedure", stay the fuck away from Tony Soprano. Shut the fuck up and listen, it's over. Over and done. You call or go anywhere near him or his family, they'll be scraping your nipples off these fine leather seats and here's the point to remember: my face will be the last one you see, not Tony's, we understand each other? It won't be cinematic

[In the safe house]
Anthony: [Hands Tony an envelope] Right now it's light
Tony: This situation ain't all bad haven't a green vegetable in over a week
Benny: Can't even go down to the pork store got to hang around here doing nothing
Anthony: [Tony gives the cat some food] who's he belong to?
Benny: He just showed up during the big storm
Tony: He caught a mouse down in the cellar
Patsy: A lot of my customers are giving their action to New York
Carlo: Power vacuum their taking advantage
Dante: [Walden comes in the front door and greco draws his gun] what the fuck are you coming that way for?
Walden: Sorry I forgot
Carlo: We're going to meet Paulie down at the hospital and visit Sil you want to come?
Tony: No, I got some shit I have to do, my daughter
[Tony picks up his assault rifle leaves the room and goes upstairs]
Benny: Yesterday was his gout

Tony: What're you doing?
Patsy: [while adding the total with a calculator] Receipts from Sunday's game
Tony: You got a problem?
Patsy: [caught off guard by his question] What Tone?
Tony: I said you got a problem?
Patsy: [confused] With what Tone?
Tony: I don't know, I heard you got a fuckin problem? Like you don't like being here?
Patsy: I like being here
Tony: You sure?
Patsy: Yeah
Tony: You sure?
Patsy: Yeah
Tony: Don't say you're sure when you're not sure, you put your grief behind you? Let me hear you say it
Patsy: [adamantly] I put the grief behind me

Christopher: [after rushing into the Bada Bing strip club to tell everyone about Vito] You are not going to fuckin' believe this...
James: [Interrupts him, to everyone] Vito Spatafore is an "ass muncher".
Tony: [to Murmur] What'd you just say?
James: I'm sorry, it's true.
Christopher: We ran into this kid, Vito was spotted in a fag bar in New York.
Tony: By who?
Christopher: The kid's cousin... Allegedly.
James: Probably bullshit.
Patsy: He's a married man.
Paulie: With a goomah!
Tony: All right, back up a second. What did the kid say exactly?
Christopher: The kid's cousin, Sally Cuzo...
Carlo: From Yonkers, I know him.
Christopher: Sal was at this place in the city supposedly on business, and he saw Vito holding hands with a guy with nipple rings.
James: You're leaving out the best part.
Christopher: He was wearing a motorcycle outfit like the guy in the Village People with the hat and leather vest.
James: Chaps too.
Paulie: I don't know... Fuckin' slander if you ask me.
Tony: [suggesting to everyone to talk privately in the office] All right, let's take this in the back.
James: [Making a joke] Yeah, that's what Vito did!
Tony: [Irritated, not amused by his joke] You can go.

Little: So, Patsy, with the necklace, how'd it go with the comare?
Patsy: Beautiful with the little emeralds: she fuckin loved it
Eugene: First, he gave her the emeralds, then he gave her the "pearls"
Little: I got Ebel Watches too, earrings, whatever you need
Benny: My girl's birthday is coming up
Patsy: Some rack on that girl
Little: [jokingly] Yeah, if you can get past the sideburns
Eugene: [after everyone chuckles, to Little Paulie] You should talk: that skank I saw you with, this girl's fuckin mustache, it must've been like kissing a fireman
Little: [while speaking in the stereotypical homosexual male lisp] Well, you ought to know sweety
Eugene: [irritated] What'd you say?
Little: nothing, what? We're just breaking balls

Donna: [in the living room of the Soprano home] A man took his horse to a vet and the vet says to him, "Why do you have a long face?"
Patsy: The horse asks, there's no vet.
Donna: Right, a horse goes to a vet and the vet looks at his face and says to him, "My friend."
Patsy: A horse goes to the doctor, the doctor asks, "Why the long face?" She can't tell jokes
Tony: Speaking of jokers, where's that other son of yours today?
Donna: I didn't think he was invited.
Carmela: I just think with all the wedding talk.
Tony: That pal of his, the other Jason I heard he ran into some trouble, Carlo's Jason.
Donna: He's a mess.
Patsy: Alright.
Tony: Well, he's got no shortage of lawyers here, only this one here would only take the case for free.
[referring to Meadow]
Patrick: That's why we want her there at Groupman, Groupman and Kerseyo, actually Med and I had some conversations and we may still snag her at the firm when she's done with law school.
Carmela: No kidding?
Meadow: We went out to dinner Steven Groupman and the subject came up.
Patrick: Steven was very impressed with her work at the Law Center, even got into starting salaries, he was talking one seventy.
Tony: Jesus, sweetheart that's fantastic.
Meadow: He hadn't had too much to drink.
Patrick: Don't devalue yourself, we've got a really interesting case right now we're defending James Trofolio the County Commissioner and those corruption charges.
Donna: [to Patrick] is that your case?
Patrick: He's got bag men, whores it's fascinating.

Tony: [during lunch, after noticing Patsy isn't eating] not hungry? Have some bragiole
Patsy: no, thanks, I got no appetite: today would've "our" birthday
Tony: [eventually realize who Patsy is referring to] "our" birthday? Oh, yeah..."Spoons"
Gigi: [to Patsy] hey, happy birthday: how old are you?
Patsy: fifty-one
Christopher: who was born first? You or "Spoons?"
Patsy: Philip was my kid brother... by eleven minutes
Tony: hey, it was a fuckin tragedy. What're you gonna do?
Gigi: it's the life we chose, am I right Pat?
Patsy: my brother was never a "heavy" guy with anybody. I mean he was a sweet gentle man
Furio: [before Patsy nods] your brother was your twin brother?
Tony: Philly, "friends" like us, called him "Spoons." Somebody "whacked" the kid couple months before you came home
Furio: so, your identical twins... or the other "kind?"
Patsy: identical
Tony: [before passing salad to him] have something to eat
Patsy: there's a twin "bond", unless you "experienced it", you can't "understand it"
Tony: [to Patsy] you're ok with onions, right?
Patsy: it might sound fuckin crazy to you?
Christopher: hey, nothing sounds "crazy" anymore the older I get
Gigi: well, it's over, right?
Christopher: don't it happen, that identical twins a lot of times, they'll die within a couple days of each other?
Patsy: [before everybody chastises him for talking about not wanting to live] that would've been ok with me, believe me... I miss him so much
Tony: [before everybody raises their drinks to toast his birthday] yeah, well that's natural but you're with us now so why don't you leave the morbid shit back to Junior's crew and have a happy birthday?

Patsy: [shaking hands] Welcome to the neighborhood, we're from the Northward Merchants Protective Cooperative
Coffeehouse: I'm kind of busy, you guys looking for a donation?
Burt: [referring to Patsy] Let him finish
Patsy: You may have noticed, not to denigrate anyone but this is a transitional neighborhood. I mean, demographically speaking you still have a lot of marginal types
Burt: And we merchants have found, you really should have some round the clock security
Coffeehouse: Isn't that what the police are for?
Patsy: they do their best but they got their hands full: your weekly dues to us will give you all the supplemental safety net, you'll ever need
Coffeehouse: I can't authorize anything like that: it'll have to go through corporate in Seattle
Patsy: We merchants prefer to deal on a personal, one on one basis
Coffeehouse: I don't have any discretionary fund: it's gotta go through corporate
Burt: How do you think corporate would feel, for the sake of argument, someone threw a brick through your window?
Coffeehouse: They've got like ten thousand stores in North America, I don't they'd feel anything
Patsy: What if, God forbid, it wasn't just vandalism? What if an employee, the manager, let's say, was assaulted?
Coffeehouse: Look, every last fuckin coffee bean is in the computer, it has to be accounted for, if the numbers don't add up, I'd be gone and someone else will be here

Christopher: J.T., I want to introduce you to Carmine Lupertazzi: my co-executive producer on the project.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [To J.T] I heard the tidbits of what Chrissy's got in mind, the genre, and so forth. I've got to warn you, I'm very hands on and I learned that the hard way.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [to everyone in the room] I want to welcome all of you to the first meeting of possible investors on this project. Some of you know I've had nine pictures under my sub species: four in The South Beach Strumpet series alone, each with thirty thousand plus DVDs in print. That being said I usually find it helpful at this stage to include to my prospective partners and get your inputs, or "notes" as we call them.
Christopher: J.T., you're on.
J.T. Dolan: Well, we've been working on a new kind of slasher film, it takes in the world of... you know...
Christopher: [Interrupts him] It"s about a wise guy with a big mouth, and bigger dreams.
J.T. Dolan: Anyway, they call him "The Butcher".
Silvio: No, they don't.
Christopher: Why the fuck not?
Silvio: Need I remind you of a certain "Butcher" out of AC?
Christopher: Right, not "butcher", go on J.T.
J.T. Dolan: Right, so his kind of outshining his boss so the guy has him clipped, but he's still alive when they cut him up.
Vito: [Jokingly before everyone laughs] Oh, he's going to feel that the next day.
J.T. Dolan: Right, so at the dump his body reassembles itself all except for a hand that got crushed. So he ties a cleaver onto the stump and he goes out to get revenge on everyone especially the boss which is a pretty solid role. Right now its call "Pork Store Killer", but I'm thinking just "Cleaver".
Larry: I'm confused, you said he's dead.
Vito: How is he "evening" up on everybody? He's a ghost?
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [Clarifying the main character in the movie to everyone] as I understood it: a zombie of sorts. Great title by the way.
Patsy: But if they jointed him, he's not going to end up all in the same dump.
Silvio: And how is that a slasher film?
Christopher: What're you talking about?
Silvio: A slasher: Couple kids naked in the lake, a certified manic on the loose, not a ghost.
J.T. Dolan: Actually the manic is almost always a supernatural force: Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers from Halloween...
Silvio: Get the fuck out...
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Easy Sil, he's making a point.
Silvio: Michael Myers is an escape mental patient. Jason and Freddy, different kind of movie.
Christopher: That's the kind we're doing here. Saw, The Ring, they made millions, and that's not even including The Godfather angle which we got here.
Benny: What if they disposed him at stops that happened to be along the same route? Then he would all end up all in the same dump.
Vito: But he's a ghost? I don't know.
Christopher: Ghostbusters, another fuckin' money machine!

Albert: [on his disappearance] What's with Ralph? Fuckin Bermuda Triangle?
Silvio: This thing with his kid, his probably down in the bunker
Albert: I'll tell ya, if I didn't know better...
Silvio: [interrupts him] Are we off the record?
Albert: [nervously] Off the record? It's Tony
Albert: [when Silvio and Patsy don't respond] What? Am I wrong?
Silvio: [before leaving to use the bathroom] Honestly, I don't know, take a leak
Albert: This is bad my friend, I mean don't get me wrong, I wouldn't piss on this Ralph if he was fire but to whack a guy over a horse? How fucked up is that?
Patsy: If it happened to him, it could happen to any one of us
Albert: What's next? Get clipped for wearing the wrong shoes?
Patsy: What can you do? Tony's the boss: centuries of tradition here
Albert: Exactly my point, if Tony did do this, whack Ralph over a horse, that guy would be the first fuckin guy in line to pull the plug

[last lines]
Patsy: What the fuck is happening to this neighborhood?

Silvio: [to Patsy] I understand we have some business to discuss? The floor is yours
Patsy: [to Little Paulie] Go on, tell them
Little: I drove out to Youngstown to see uncle Paulie and he was hoping you can settle this shit with Ralph and those no-show carpenter jobs?
Ralph: Ok, for the record, I had my guy go over the books: we can maybe do two carpenter jobs, one no show, one no work
Patsy: two jobs? On a three hundred-million-dollar project?
Silvio: [to Ralph] Come on, what's the real number?
Ralph: [amused] What am I speaking in tongues here? Two, maybe I can do three?
Little: My uncle's looking for at least ten
Patsy: [to Little Paulie after slapping him on the chest] I'm talkin here
Patsy: [to everybody, referring to Paulie] The guy's in the can, you think you want to keep him happy maybe?
Silvio: [before pointing upwards, implying these orders came from Tony] alright, here it is, and this comes from... for the duration, you will give Paulie five carpenter jobs: two no-shows and three no work. One of the no-shows our friend in Youngstown keeps and one he gives to Chrissy here. The others, the no work jobs, that's for Paulie, how he wants to distribute them
Ralph: It is so decreed, now if there isn't anything else?
Silvio: There is something else. With Paulie in the can, there's a new acting capo of his crew: it's Chrissy, that's the way certain people want it, we trust there will be no ill will