The Best Vito Spatafore Quotes

Jim: [on the phone] Hello?
Vito: Hi!
Jim: Fuck you!
Vito: I know, look...
Jim: Not a word. Not a note. What kind of person are you?
Vito: You're right, I'm sorry.
Jim: You need help. You're seriously fucked up!
Vito: I got kids, I couldn't live without them.
Jim: Bullshit! It was the fucking life that you couldn't live without. The gambling, the money, who knows what else!
Vito: You're right. I didn't want to drag you into this pit I'm in.
Jim: Hey, fuck that! Everybody else is stupid to you, aren't they?
Vito: No!
Jim: You can live and throw it down in fucking Jersey. Everybody kisses your ass!
Vito: I miss you.
Jim: I don't wanna know you! I don't want to hear your voice. Don't ever call me again!
[hangs up]

Vito: [to Finn after he exits the Porta Potty] hey, you sound like race horse pissing in there
Finn: Hey, how's it going?
Vito: You know I never asked what your last name is
Finn: it's DeTrolio
Vito: Finn DeTrolio: my arch nemeses, been enjoying yourself here?
Finn: It's alright
Vito: I keep telling you shouldn't work so hard, long hours, this fuckin heat, plus you came in so early today
Finn: I just do what the job is
Vito: That's good, your strong, that helps. You know you can call me Vito
Finn: I know
Vito: So say it let me hear you say "What's up Vito?"
Finn: What's up Vito?
Vito: Not much, except I got a little surprise for you: two tickets to see the Padres take a beating from the Yankees tonight, third base line plus its bat night
Finn: That's really nice Vito but I don't think I can...
Vito: [Interrupts him] don't give me that aw shucks with me, your fuckin going. See you under The Bat, seven sharp and I don't like to miss the National Anthem

Tony: [while visiting Bryan Spatafore in the hospital, after greeting everybody] how's he doing?
Gigi: I talked to him before. I think he squeezed my hand
Vito: His going to be a vegetable Tony, a fuckin retard
Tony: No, his going to be fine
Ralph: [after no one found his joke amusing] well look at the bright side, he wasn't that smart to begin with. Come on it's a tense situation a little levity huh?
Tony: [to Jackie Jr] What're you doing here?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I can't visit my cousin?
Vito: [Referring to Mustang Sally] I want this cocksucker to bleed from his ass skipper
Gigi: You got it
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Just say the word: my fuckin pleasure
Tony: [to Jackie Jr] Why don't you grab us some coffee?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Come on, are you kidding?
Paulie: [after pulling his chair away from the hospital bed] better yet: Go to the ears, nose, and throat department: get your hearing checked
Tony: All right, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this?
Vito: I'm upset, but please... I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph: Unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.
Gigi: [Turns round to confront Ralphie] what the fuck is wrong with you? We're trying to have a meeting here
Ralph: Oh, two minutes in charge, he thinks his Lee Iacocca
Tony: [while tapping his right shoulder, implying they shouldn't start a confrontation inside the hospital] come on, not here
Tony: [to Vito] there's no beef between your brother and Mustang Sally?
Paulie: Didn't owe him any money? Nothing like that?
Vito: No, nothing
Ralph: [Referring to Mustang Sally] this kid's a whack job: Meadowlands last year remember? Threw a hot dog vendor off the second mezzanine, too many fuckin onions or some shit
Tony: [to Gigi] you get him under control?
Gigi: With extreme fuckin prejudice
Tony: [to Paulie, after nodding to Gigi meaning his giving his approval to have Mustang Sally killed] we gotta to go

Vito: [Phil walks in] Oh! Finally! Startin' to grow mushrooms out my ass.
Phil: There's an image.

Vito: I'll tell ya, one of the best things about droppin' the weight? All new wardrobe. I keep it up I'm gonna need Clothing Anonymous.
Raymond: You shoulda called your sponsor before you bought that jacket.
Vito: [to Eugene] Look at this guy. Members Only? How long you been wearin' that?

Paulie: [to all his friends while entering the Bing to his welcome home from prison party] Whattaya hear, whattaya say?
Tony: Youngstown my ass, look at this guy, it look like you were in Miami
Albert: Yeah you look like you were in Miami
Paulie: [while hugging him] good to home skip
Vito: What can I get you Paulie?
Paulie: After four months inside? How about laid?
Christopher: [Jokingly] I heard you getting "laid" up there all the time

A.J. Soprano: What's going on?
Carmela: You are just getting back?
A.J. Soprano: Matt's car wouldn't start
Carmela: Did you eat at least?
A.J. Soprano: Yeah
Meadow: Dad's not so good right now, they made us leave
Silvio: What's the latest?
Carmela: He came out of the coma for a minute, they took the breathing tube out
Silvio: That's good right? That means his breathing on his own
Carmela: They had to put the tubes back in
Vito: God damn Junior
A.J. Soprano: [Unintentionally speaking in the third person as a method of coping with his father having been shot] Anthony Soprano is not going to die. I don't know what everybody's talking about
Carmela: Nobody's saying his going to die
Carmela: [to Christopher, Paulie and Vito, referring to AJ and Meadow] could one of you take them home please?
Christopher: You can't live in this ICU Carmela, two nights straight is too much
Carmela: I'm ok, Mead spelled me last night
Meadow: I'm staying tonight too
Carmela: [to AJ] I want you to go back, people call the house. We need somebody there

Ralph: [Referring to the joke he made about Ginny's weight] it had to be Paulie that told Johnny
Eugene: You think so?
Ralph: He hates my success. I've been thinking about that birthday dinner, who was there when I told the Ginny Sack joke?
Vito: Not Paulie, I remember Albert say he didn't get a gift
Ralph: It was little Paulie, the witless fuckin nephew, he told Paulie, Paulie tells Johnny fuckin telephone games like fuckin high school girls. Want to play phone games? That party was the only time I mentioned Shamu's fat ass
Ralph: [to the operator over the phone] hello, Green Grove retirement home or something, just connect me
Eugene: The fuck you doing?
Ralph: Hello, I'd like to talk to a Nucci" Gualtieri, she's a resident there
Nucci: [after being woken up] hello?
Ralph: Mrs. Nucci Gualtieri?
Nucci: Yes
Ralph: [Prank calling Paulie's mother] Hi, this is detective Mike Hunt Pennsylvania Police Department you have a son Peter Paul?
Nucci: Oh my God what happened?
Ralph: His alright ma'am but I'm afraid his in a little trouble. We found him in a men's room in Lafayette Park, I don't know how to put this delicately, he was sucking a cub scout's dick
Nucci: What? No, it's a mistake
Ralph: Ma'am, I wish that was all but I'm afraid we had to have emergency surgery performed upon arrival at headquarters after discovering a small rodent in the rectal passage
Nucci: Oh my God
Ralph: A gerbil ma'am. The county does not cover procedures deemed caused by sexual activity section four, paragraph fifteen, we'll need an insurance number

Tony: What you lose a little weight?
Agent: Ah...
Vito: You look good. Atkins, right?
Agent: I caught a parasite over there. Doctors don't know what it is.
Christopher: What do they eat, tabooli?
Agent: Actually that's why I'm here. I been dyin' for a Satriale's veal parm hero.
[walks in]
Christopher: Fuck him. I hope that parasite eats his asshole out.
Tony: [shrugs] Kinda feel bad for the guy.

Ralph: [while in a diner] you see that shit before? The look on Tony's face when I turned down that drink? Buy me a drink? Fuck you, he knew it was wrong, what he did
Vito: he is the boss: he can do whatever he wants
Eugene: boss or no, you don't raise your hands to another "made" guy. Joe Vul from Mulberry Street, exact same situation, he smacked that guy around
Ralph: rules are rules otherwise, what? Fuckin anarchy
Eugene: at the very least, Tony owes you an apology
Ralph: the money I put in his pocket from construction alone, it should hit his knees, this prick
Ralph: [to Eugene when he doesn't respond] what? You think I'm afraid of that fat fuck?
Ralph: [to Vito] no offense
Ralph: I could see if it was his daughter or a niece of his but all this over some dead whore, he had to been fuckin her
Vito: no, he knew you were fuckin her
Ralph: that's why, that's how he is, like a dog with two bones. I'm supposed to go over there for Thanksgiving, me and Roe
Eugene: really?
Ralph: fuck him and his turkey, I should shove a drumstick up his ass

Vito: [to Tony] First off, I'd pay my way back in. I got two hundred grand that goes directly to you personally, no one needs to know. Long term: I know construction is out, I got contacts in Atlantic City, with your support I can set myself up there I'd be close, but not too close.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Ignores him and gets up to leave]

Vito: Sometimes you tell a lie so long... you don't know when to stop. You don't know when it's safe.

Finn: [Working at the EsplanadeI no-work job site] I should get back, Ramos'll be on my ass.
Vito: Would you forget about Ramos, for Christ's sakes? I talked to him. Have a seat. We got the good doughnuts today!

Christopher: J.T., I want to introduce you to Carmine Lupertazzi: my co-executive producer on the project.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [To J.T] I heard the tidbits of what Chrissy's got in mind, the genre, and so forth. I've got to warn you, I'm very hands on and I learned that the hard way.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [to everyone in the room] I want to welcome all of you to the first meeting of possible investors on this project. Some of you know I've had nine pictures under my sub species: four in The South Beach Strumpet series alone, each with thirty thousand plus DVDs in print. That being said I usually find it helpful at this stage to include to my prospective partners and get your inputs, or "notes" as we call them.
Christopher: J.T., you're on.
J.T. Dolan: Well, we've been working on a new kind of slasher film, it takes in the world of... you know...
Christopher: [Interrupts him] It"s about a wise guy with a big mouth, and bigger dreams.
J.T. Dolan: Anyway, they call him "The Butcher".
Silvio: No, they don't.
Christopher: Why the fuck not?
Silvio: Need I remind you of a certain "Butcher" out of AC?
Christopher: Right, not "butcher", go on J.T.
J.T. Dolan: Right, so his kind of outshining his boss so the guy has him clipped, but he's still alive when they cut him up.
Vito: [Jokingly before everyone laughs] Oh, he's going to feel that the next day.
J.T. Dolan: Right, so at the dump his body reassembles itself all except for a hand that got crushed. So he ties a cleaver onto the stump and he goes out to get revenge on everyone especially the boss which is a pretty solid role. Right now its call "Pork Store Killer", but I'm thinking just "Cleaver".
Larry: I'm confused, you said he's dead.
Vito: How is he "evening" up on everybody? He's a ghost?
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [Clarifying the main character in the movie to everyone] as I understood it: a zombie of sorts. Great title by the way.
Patsy: But if they jointed him, he's not going to end up all in the same dump.
Silvio: And how is that a slasher film?
Christopher: What're you talking about?
Silvio: A slasher: Couple kids naked in the lake, a certified manic on the loose, not a ghost.
J.T. Dolan: Actually the manic is almost always a supernatural force: Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers from Halloween...
Silvio: Get the fuck out...
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Easy Sil, he's making a point.
Silvio: Michael Myers is an escape mental patient. Jason and Freddy, different kind of movie.
Christopher: That's the kind we're doing here. Saw, The Ring, they made millions, and that's not even including The Godfather angle which we got here.
Benny: What if they disposed him at stops that happened to be along the same route? Then he would all end up all in the same dump.
Vito: But he's a ghost? I don't know.
Christopher: Ghostbusters, another fuckin' money machine!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All right, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this.
Vito: I'm upset, but please. I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph: Unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.

Vito: [regarding Eugene] I knew him better than anybody but still... Maybe he was a homo, felt there was no one he could talk to about it. That happens, too.

Vito: [helping him study for his massage license using flashcards] which muscles are attached to the Coracoid process?
Tony: I fuckin know this, it's on the tip of my tongue
Christopher: [entering the room with Paulie, jokingly] oh, study hall again
Tony: pectoralis minor and the coracobrachialis, and... .
Vito: and? Come on, even I know this
Tony: fine, what is it?
Vito: biceps!
Tony: [after checking his flashcards, then throws them on the table] fuck, I knew that: my mind's all over the place
Christopher: fear knocked on the door, faith answered, there was no one there
Paulie: [to Tony B] why do you wanna do this shit, so you can touch a bunch of strangers?
Vito: [to Paulie] you really "skeeve" the human body, don't you?
Paulie: [to Vito] you like it so much? Let me ask you a question, why do pissin, shitin, and fuckin all happen within a two-inch radius?
Christopher: everybody asks that, Paulie, there's no answer for it
Vito: their all "sources of pleasure" though
Paulie: get the fuck outta here!
Tony: I know this shit and the next minute, it's gone
Christopher: I don't know how you do it working full time, if your parole officer is a "problem", give our guy Jimmy Curran a call: he's a supervisor
Tony: it's not that, it's just all this pressure now that I got this "opportunity"
Tony: [to Christopher after he looks confused] Sungyon Kim, my boss, his gonna back me on a whole storefront operation
Christopher: [before Tony B nods] Korean?
Paulie: if your lookin for money, why not come to me?
Tony: this is "different", this "self-owned business" shit is like a religion to these people. Plus, the guy sees "something" in me. You know in some ways, the whole prison "thing" is not that different than being an immigrant
Paulie: [adamantly] word to the wise: remember Pearl Harbor!

Silvio: [During Eugene's wake] you got any beefs? I'm the one you come to. Likewise weekly I'll collect for the skip, keep it for him until his back on his feet, take out a portion for Carmella around the house and that shit there. Anybody got any questions? For now not personal questions relating to yourself but the family. Yeah Vito
Vito: [after he raised his hand] the sports book in Roseville, those rights should go to me now because Eugene was with me
Silvio: What'd I just say? Not about yourself
Carlo: What do we do about Junior?
Christopher: His in jail that puts him out of our reach
Vito: Not necessarily
Larry: His a demented old fuck. I say we do nothing, let him rot. Sever all ties, end this embarrassment right now
Vito: [Referring to the murder of Marvin Gaye by his father] he "Marvin Gayed" his own nephew: the boss of this family
Paulie: What happens to Junior is Tony's call
Bobby: That's right
Vito: Bobby, with all due respect, where the fuck were you that night? Why was the skipper babysitting Junior?
Bobby: I had other family obligations, ask my wife. Tony volunteered
Vito: Are we done? I'm going back to the hospital

Silvio: What's goin on Tone?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I think I know what happened to Ralph and if I'm right, he ain't coming back: it was New York
Vito: Johnny Sack?
Carlo: What was it? The fat joke?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm sure that didn't help
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmine, this HUD thing we're into. they wanted a "piece" of it. I think they confronted Ralph, and things went sour
Albert: What'd he say John?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It wasn't what he said so much it was what he "didn't" say
Paulie: We're talking about New York here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Before we do anything in terms of payback, you go to your people, and I want a full investigation. Nobody makes a move until we know what happened, understand?

Paulie: [referring to the incident with Valery] so, we open the trunk, this suffocating Russian cocksucker pops up: his still alive
Christopher: [after they all laugh] we lead him through the snow, this asshole's shivering. I mean his wearing fuckin pajamas and slippers in like eight-degree weather
Christopher: [continuing the story and the sound of a gun, after Tony greets them and leaves] anyway, he starts running, the Russian. Boom! I'm telling you the top of his head came off like a fuckin bad rug
Paulie: what a beating we had to give this prick
Vito: where's he now, do you think?
Paulie: who the fuck cares, right Chrissy?
Christopher: who the fuck knows?
Vito: [referring to Valery] poor bastard
Christopher: never would've happened if Paulie hadn't initially "overacted" but it's one for the books
Paulie: what'd you mean "overreacted?"
Christopher: you choked him with the guy's lamp, Paulie, we could've got Silvio's money without having to spend the night in the fuckin open
Paulie: [clarifying the details to everybody, referring to Christopher] he let him jab him with the shovel was the problem: he let his guard down
Christopher: we would've caught up to the prick, if you didn't lose your fuckin shoe
Vito: Paulie, you lost your shoe? You didn't tell us about that
Christopher: [impersonating Paulie pleading] "Chrissy please, don't leave me out here."
Paulie: you little cocksucker
Christopher: I covered your ass with Tony about that whole "thing" and never a word of fuckin thanks: ever!
Paulie: who's playing the "blood relations" card? Tony's "little favorite"
Christopher: fuck you!

Carmela: [while in the hospital cafeteria] I hear Sil is at Barnabas? My God, what is happening to us around here?
Vito: Sil's gonna be fine: you have enough worries. Listen, sweetheart, I know your expecting "something" and I can't get into specifics, Tony wouldn't want me to but there are certain people looking over our shoulder right now
Carmela: It's ok, I'm not expecting anything", money's not an issue. Like you said, I've got bigger worries, like this son of mine
Vito: You gotta trust me on this Hun, "suspicions" get raised, if I were to "move it" to you at this moment
Vito: [referring to paying for her breakfast] I got this

Vito: [Vito has emerged from hiding after being outed. He approaches Tony in the mall] Tony. Hey
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck?
Vito: My brother's over there.
[Vito points to a man standing in the distance]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What's that supposed to mean?
Vito: Nothing. He's just there, that's all.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You sandbag me? I'll cut your fucking throat open.
Vito: I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. I want back in. Can I sit?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, you can't sit.
Vito: It's complicated. I was working things out.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm sure it gets complicated. When you're taking it up your fag ass.
Vito: I'm not a fag. I never was
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Excuse me?
Vito: It was the medication I was on. For my blood pressure. It fucked with my head, but I'm over that now. I could probably get a letter from my doctor
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: A note from your doctor saying you don't like to suck cock?

Bobby: [talking privately with Sil and Vito to settle a dispute] That was Junior's neighborhood, now's its mine
Silvio: Whoa, keep your voice down
Vito: It was Eugene's going on three years and Eugene was with me
Bobby: He should've never had it to begin with except with the beef with that guy: Junior ruled on it and it wasn't right then
Vito: [irritated by Bobby] This fuckin guy!
Silvio: [to Vito] How much we talking about?
Vito: 3g's a week
Bobby: Maybe that's what that guy admitted to you, I heard 5
Vito: [to Bobby] You heard wrong
Bobby: What do we do here, Sil?
Silvio: [after thinking it over] Here's the thing
Vito: What, skip?
Silvio: For the time being, it's Bobby's... but his still gonna kick up twenty percent to you
Vito: How long is for the time being?
Bobby: Yeah, Sil?
Silvio: [to both of them] What, you speak Norwegian? For now