50 Best Bree Van De Kamp Quotes

Bree: God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack.
Susan: He's at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him.
Lynette: Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?
Susan: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it.
Gabrielle: Who the hell's Dana?
Lynette: That's the mystery part.
Susan: I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide.
Lynette: So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret...
Bree: ...and sent the note.
Gabrielle: So who the hell is that?

[Bree is compulsively fixing a button on Dr. Goldfine's jacket during their session]
Dr. Goldfine: I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.
Bree: Oh, who cares what he thinks. I took psychology in college. We learned all about Freud. A miserable human being.
Dr. Goldfine: What makes you say that?
Bree: Well, think about it. He grew up in the late 1800s. There were no appliances back then. His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown, not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family. And what does he do? He grows up and becomes famous, peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother has done. She must have felt so betrayed. He saw how hard she worked. He saw what she did for him. Did he even ever think to say thank you? I doubt it.

Bree: [to Rex] When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off!

Bree: Go pack up your sex factory, and I'll make you cookies!

Danielle: Why can't we ever have normal soup?
Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.
Danielle: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of. Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
Bree: First of all, your Father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion.
[turns to Andrew]
Bree: So, how's the osso buco?
Andrew: It's okay.
Bree: It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?
Andrew: Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?
Bree: [shocked] Excuse me?
Andrew: Tim Harper's Mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.
Bree: You'd rather I serve pork and beans?
Danielle: [turns to Andrew] Apologize now, I am begging.
Andrew: I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?
Bree: Are you doing drugs?
Andrew: What?
Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.
Danielle: Trust me, that is not what he is doing.
Andrew: Shut up.
[to Bree]
Andrew: Mom, I'm not the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting like she's running for Mayor of Stepford.
Bree: [at the dinner table] Rex, seeing that you're the head of this household I would really appreciate it if you said something.
Rex: Pass the salt?

Rex: So these "tennis lessons" we're taking. How are we doing?
Bree: My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve.
Rex: Of course.

Bree: Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.
Andrew: You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.
Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

Bree: Why is this happening?
Rex: Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase.

Bree: Danielle! How was school.
Danielle: It was okay.
Bree: Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?

Andrew: Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?
Eleanor: Bree!
Bree: Oh, I slapped him once and he deserved it!
Andrew: I just asked her to stop drinking.
Henry: You were drinking?
Eleanor: She's in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair.
Bree: Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car!
Eleanor: Is she okay?
Bree: She's dead!
Andrew: Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!
Bree: Andrew falsely accused me of molestation... in a mall!

Rex: You're going to ruin his whole future over a little rough housing?
Bree: Rex, this was practically assault.
Rex: Mrs. Stark, what Andrew did was clearly wrong, but in his defense, his mother and I are going through severe marital problems.
Bree: Is that relevant?
Rex: Our marriage is disintegrating. Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry.
Bree: If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker!
Rex: All I'm saying, is that we need to take some of the responsibility here.
Bree: And so does Andrew! Blaming his actions on our problems... which are not so serious... does not help him.
Rex: Our problems are serious!
Bree: Mrs. Stark, you handle this however you see fit.
Rex: Bree, I've gone to an attorney. You're gonna to be served with divorce papers later today.
Bree: You went to an attorney?
Rex: Yeah! And a good one too!
Bree: Well he better be good, because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name!
Rex: Bring it on!

Bree: Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, murdered by our pharmacist.
Frank: Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists.
Bree: I didn't have to. He committed suicide.

Bree: [final words to Rex] You look magnificent.

Bree: I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.

Susan: Thanks for helping me break in. Do you think it's gonna be hard to replace that screen?
Mike: Well that depends. If you nail it in yourself, you might wanna wear gloves. Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt.
Susan: Okay. I know what just happened is funny, in theory, but I am nowhere near ready to laugh about it. So, please, no jokes.
Bree: [opens the front door] Hey, where have you two been?
Mike: Um, Susan had a problem finding something to wear
[stifles his laughter]
Mike: . Oh, was that the kinda thing you meant?
Susan: Pretty much.

Bree: I think you'd love the opera. The music and the voices, it's just all so passionate.
Peter: Yeah, three hundred-pound soprano seducing balding tenors. That'd be hot!

Lynette: Karl broke up with Edie.
Susan: Oh my God!
Bree: Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone.
Susan: Really? Did he say who it is?
Edie: I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!
Bree: [Pause] No, he did not say.

Peter: Sex is as much an addiction for me as booze. That's why when you turn me on like that it's a bit of a problem.
Bree: It was just a peck on the cheek.
Peter: It doesn't matter. The slightest touch gets my juices flowing.
Bree: So how long has it been since you-
Peter: A year. They have this rule: plant, pet, person. If I can keep a plant alive, you know, then I can move on to a pet. And if I can make that work, then I can start dating again.
Bree: So, how are you doing?
Peter: I'm on my fourth ficus.
Bree: Oh.

Beth: Where would I get a gun?
Susan: Oh... I don't know. How about the one you pointed at me on Halloween night?
Gabrielle: [to Susan] You never told us that.
Beth: You mean the night you broke into my house and tried to kill my husband with a club... being the natural-born lunatic that you are?
Bree: [to Susan] You never told us that either.
Susan: [sheepish] Am I not allowed to have a private life?

[Phyllis has been crying all time since Rex's death and stealing all the attention from Bree]
Bree: For God's sake, Phyllis, don't you ever worry about dehydration?
Phyllis: Are you saying that I am too emotional?
Bree: I'm saying that even Italians take a break now and again.

Peter: I'll tell you what. Here's my card and if you ever do have a problem or you just feel like talking, give me a call, okay?
Bree: I know you think I'm kidding myself, but I'm not. I'm nothing like you people. I just don't have a compulsive personality.

Rex: Since when do you make mistakes?
Bree: What's that supposed to mean?
Rex: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this, this plastic suburban housewife, with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like, "we owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh? I need her. Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.

Reverend: And over the years, we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires, and within a few months, they've found an inner peace and a tranquility that is nothing short of miraculous.
Bree: Oh.
[Bree reaches over and touches Andrew's arm. Andrew smiles back at his mother]
Reverend: And all it takes is a little faith and a desire to change.
Andrew: I'm sorry, but I, I really don't want to talk about my sex life.
Bree: Well, that's just too bad, because this needs to be discussed.
Reverend: Bree, please, let the boy speak. Go on.
Andrew: Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So, I'm good.
Reverend: Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time.
Andrew: I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am.

Bree: Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind.
Gabrielle: Oh, for God's sake, Bree. You're a woman. Manipulate him. That's what we do.
Bree: But how?
Gabrielle: I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?
[Bree thinks about it, and smiles]

[Bree has brought down a box of Andrew's porn]
Bree: Oh, dad, I-I forgot to warn you. These are some of Andrew's adult videos. I don't approve, but boys will be boys.
[Henry files through the box of porn]
Eleanor: Oh, Henry, stop looking at that filth.
Henry: I don't get it. Where are the women?
Eleanor: What are you talking about?
Henry: This is all just a bunch of... naked men.
[Eleanor takes the magazine from Henry]
Eleanor: Sweet mother of God. What the hell are they doing?
Henry: I don't know, and I don't know what I'm even looking at.
Eleanor: Henry, this is pornography for ho-homosexuals.
[Bree enters]
Bree: Oh, shoot! I wish you hadn't gone through that. Now we have to have an unpleasant conversation, and we were having such a nice time.
Henry: Bree, is... is Andrew... gay?
Bree: Oh, dad, Andrew hates labels. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Eleanor: Excuse me, but he has a magazine titled "Leather Daddies in Love." That does not sound like a phase to me.

[George has dinner with the Van De Kamps]
Andrew: So, George, can I ask you a question? And it's kind of personal.
George: Sure.
Andrew: Have you ever actually been with a woman?
George: [chuckling] Excuse me?
Andrew: Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player, so I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game.
George: My experience with women is none of your business.
Andrew: Oh, I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands.
George: We're not dating exactly.
Andrew: Oh, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great. But I wanna make sure my mom's happy, you know, and it would really set my mind at ease to know that she's with a guy that knows how to please a lady.
George: This is inappropriate.
Andrew: You know, my parents had a great sex life. Man, I heard 'em through the wall of my bedroom once.
George: Please shut up.
Andrew: You should've heard my mom, too. She had this... this weird moan. It was kind of like, um...
[Andrew makes a moan that's followed by an unh!]
Andrew: Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes.
[a dumbfounded George looks at Andrew while Bree and Danielle enter with cobblers]
Bree: Okay, time for cobbler. Sorry, one of the dessert plates doesn't match. I tried to replace it, but it's Spode Florence. It's a rare pattern. It belonged to my grandmother. But hopefully once you taste the dessert, you'll forget all about it.
George: I'm not hungry.
Bree: George, you have to have this. It's absolutely scrumptious.
[Bree takes a bite]
Bree: Mmm. Mmm!
[George looks from Bree to Andrew, who points to Bree and mouths "That's it." George slams his fist and stands up]
George: Go to your room!

Bree: [to Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette] It's the age old question, isn't it? How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?

Bree: [after seeing Andrew and Justin in bed together] First of all, I want you to march back upstairs and tell your friend he his no longer welcome in this house.
Andrew: But we haven't even had breakfast yet.

Bree: Do you remember when you proposed?
Rex: For God's sake.
Bree: We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine and when we finished it, you turned to me and you said, "If you marry me, Bree Mason, I promise to love you for the rest of my life". And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant, and even though my Father didn't like you, I said yes.
Rex: That was a long time ago.
Bree: You're gonna cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer and we're gonna find ourselves a marriage counselor.

Rex: I want you to say you'll try it, just once.
Bree: Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you?
Rex: So I can feel pleasure, yes!
Bree: Fine.
[slaps Rex across the face]
Bree: So, was it good for you too?

Bree: [Rex has just admitted that he is a masochist] What the hell did your mother do to you?

Lynette: I'm not surprised that he's playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we're on to him.
Bree: Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done, something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?
Susan: No. That's why we have to find him. It's the only way we'll know the truth.
Bree: It just doesn't make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible.
Gabrielle: Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled in some way.

Bree: [to Rex, in the hospital, after a heart attack] I know you still love me. Maisy told me. As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to find the most vindictive lawyer I can find. And together, we will eviscerate you. I will take away your money, your family, and your dignity. And I am thrilled you still love me. Because I want what's going to happen to you to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm just so glad you didn't die before I told you that.

Susan: I think we should give it to Paul.
Gabrielle: He's still mourning Susan. He'll probably freak out.
Susan: It doesn't matter. She was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts.
Bree: Well, we could do it gently. We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry.
Lynette: That'll be fun. "Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep dark secret. Another bear claw".

Bree: Is, is that what you would prefer, Danielle? To live with your father.
Danielle: I don't really care, as long as I have my own bathroom.
Bree: Um, all this, um, wine is, uh, giving me a headache.

Bree: Tonight was a very unusual situation. I wish you could've known me when Rex was alive and my kids were young and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I think you really would've liked me so much.
Peter: I like you just fine.
Bree: Really? Because I don't.

Lynette: Susan, Bree, Gaby, this is my old college roomate Renee.
Bree: Hi! It's so nice to finally meet you. Lynette has talked so much about her friend in college.
Renee: Oh yes. You know how in school the pretty girls always hang out together? Well I refused to go along with that.

Bree: It was my first week in college, and I went to a meeting of the Young Republicans, where Rex gave a speech and I went up to him afterward and introduced myself and told him that I agreed with his stance on the death penalty, and... he took me out to a diner and, uh, we stayed up until 2 in the morning talking about big government, gun control and illegal immigration.
[sighs]
Bree: It was just... it was just such a magical night.

Bree: You are no longer invited to the funeral.
Phyllis: What?
Reverend: You're not serious.
Bree: Oh, yes, I am. I am going to hire security. And those security men are going to have sticks and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks.
Reverend: Bree, this is your grief talking.
Bree: Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church!
Reverend: Bree!
Bree: I am not kidding. I will go non-denominational so fast, it will make your head spin.

[Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant]
Rex: Are we gonna talk about what I said?
Bree: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you are out of your mind.

Bree: Andrew, you remember Reverend Sikes, don't you?
Andrew: Oh, come on.
Bree: Um, Reverend, why don't you, um, have seat, and I will get some refreshments?
[the reverend sits down at the dining room table where Andrew is sitting and Rex is pouring wine]
Reverend: Ah. So, Andrew, it's been a long time.
Andrew: Yes. Yes, it has.
Bree: Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly.
Reverend: Oh, bubbly, please. So, your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys.
[Andrew stares at his mother who smiles back lovingly. Andrew looks at the wine]
Andrew: I don't suppose I could get some of that.
Rex: I'm gonna need every drop.

Danielle: Why can't we ever have normal soups? Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
Bree: Well, Danielle, your father is deathly allergic to onions, and I won't even dignify your *navy bean* suggestion with a response.

Andrew: What's this about?
Rex: You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced.
Bree: But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much.
Andrew: I've got a question.
Bree: Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want.
Andrew: Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy.

[first lines]
Mary: [voice over narration] After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts. Every trace of my humanity was discarded. I discovered, when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly. In fact, I held onto only one thing. My memory. It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind. I remember it all. Every single detail. Like my friend, Bree Van De Kamp. I remember the easy confidence of her smile, the gentle elegance of her hands, the refined warmth of her voice...
Bree: Bye.
Mary: [voice over narration] ...But what I remember most about Bree...,
Bree: Rex, wasn't that a lovely...?
Mary: [voice over narration] ...was the look of fear in her eyes. Bree had started to realize her world was unraveling. And for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable...

Bree: I like to try out new recipes before the actual holiday. That way if the cookbook's gotten it wrong, I can fix it.

Bree: Maybe they'll just be happy for you.
Gabrielle: Bree, my friends are models, they're not happy for anyone.

[watching an S&M video demonstration with Rex]
Rex: Well?
Bree: What the hell did your mother do to you?

Bree: Rex cries when he ejaculates.

[Bree has agreed to try "dominating" Rex]
Rex: If things do get too rough, we'll have a control word. If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately.
Bree: Okay. So what's our control word?
Rex: Well, lately I've been using "Philadelphia". What's wrong?
Bree: Well, it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia, and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap.
Rex: Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.
Bree: Um, how about "Boise"?
Rex: "Boise"?
Bree: What's the matter with "Boise"?
Rex: We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like "Boise" would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious.
Bree: Hmm.
[sombre tone]
Bree: How about "Palestine"?
Rex: "Boise" will be just fine.

Rex: Look at you... going out?
Bree: Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.
Rex: A date... what kind of date?
Bree: Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack.
[pause]
Bree: It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him.