The Best Get Smart, Season 5, Episode 24 Quotes

Chief: I know this is going to come as a shock, but that painting, and every painting in this museum, belongs to the man they work for.
Agent: But Chief, everything in this museum belongs to the United States.
Chief: That's the trouble, 99. The man they work for owns the United States.

Victor: Where's the pen?
Upper: He must have ate it.

Maxwell: You'll never get away with it, Chief, I don't look like Columbus, I don't even speak Italian.
Larabee: Besides, Chief, at Control training school Max flunked torture three years in a row.

Victor: I sympathize with you. I too require constant stoking of the human furnace to function properly.

Maxwell: Columbus, I'm Smart.
Gino: Ok, how much is-a two and two?
Maxwell: [thinks for a moment] Four.
Gino: [chuckles] He's smart all right!

Maxwell: [looking at Sunflowers by Van Gogh] What would you say that is worth, 99?
Agent: Oh, a lot, Max, that's a Van Gogh.
Maxwell: Isn't he the guy that cut off his own ear?
Agent: Right. He send it to his girlfriend. He must really have loved her a lot.
Maxwell: Either that or he hated his ear.

Gino: Mama mia, what's he got in his pocket, a printing-a press?
Maxwell: Must be a duplicating machine, the copies are getting lighter.

Gino: I tell you what I'm gonna do. If you let me go, I'm gonna give you a nice present. I give you Pittsburgh.
Victor: We don't want Pittsburgh.
Maxwell: That's funny. Neither does Pennsylvania.

Upper: Don't take another step. We are KAOS agents Gemini.
Maxwell: What do you want?
Upper: Information. Tell us what we wanna know, or you die.
Maxwell: You're wasting your time. Besides, do you know who this man is? This is Gino Columbus, the new owner of the United States.
Upper: That's what we wanted to know.

Victor: My name is Borgia.
Maxwell: Borgia! Of course! You're the man who poisoned 23 people and a pair of parakeets.
Victor: No Mr. Smart.
Maxwell: 23 parakeets and a pair of people?
Victor: I am Borgia of KAOS.
Maxwell: Ok, I'll accept that, but don't expect to have a drink with my bird.