The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 2, Episode 4 Quotes

Law: [At Marshall's Law school party] Who wants to shave my ass?
Narrator: That guy went on to become a Supreme Court Justice.

Robin: Back to the sun rising over Ted and, uh... Oh, what tasteful way did you describe her?
Brad: The girl with the smackable ass.
Robin: Yes, that's the young lady.

- It's gonna define the skyline of the city.
- If it was me, I could've designed something amazing.
- Instead, I'm spending
- 12 hours a day designing the cornices.
- Yeah, you did.
- That wasn't one.

Marshall: Well, all skyscrapers kinda look like a...
Ted: Marshall, it's a seventy-eight story pink marble tower with a rounded top and two spherical entryways at the front.
Marshall: Wow, so it's the whole package.
Barney: Yeah, you did.
[fist-bumps Marshall]
Marshall: Had to.
Barney: Oh, dude, if they're selling condos you gotta get me in. And don't give me the shaft.
Marshall: Yeah, you did.
Barney: Had to.
[they fist-bump again]
Ted: It's a travesty! It's gonna define the skyline of the city. If it was me, I could have designed something amazing. Instead, I'm spending twelve hours a day designing the cornices.
Marshall: Yeah, you did.
[holds out his fist for a bump]
Ted: That wasn't one.

Robin: You know this girl. Where does she live?
Bouncer: I'm not telling you that for less than 20 bucks.
Lily: Well, I'm out of money.
Robin: I'm cashed, too.
Bouncer: I'll take your purse.
Robin: My purse?
Bouncer: Yeah, my girl likes clutches.
Robin: Okay, fine.
[Takes everything out of her purse then hands it over]
Lily: [to the bouncer] You should tell her that looks really good with a chocolate boot.
Robin: Bitch is lucky I brought my small purse. No room for my gun. Here. Now where does the rodeo slut live?
Bouncer: The building with the green light, apartment 3-C.
Lily: Oh, my God, Robin, are you going to kick this girl's ass?
Robin: Yeah... And steal her purse.

Carl: Hey Lily! Still single?
Lily: Yes.
Carl: You know, I've poured a lot of free drinks for you over the years. A lot.
Lily: Carl, do you really wanna be with a woman who would trade sex for beer?
Carl: Only if you're into it.

Ted: How was your day?
Robin: Good.
[Walks away]
Ted: Wow, you're a great interviewer. Aren't you gonna ask how my day was?
Robin: No, I know how it was. It was awful.
[Moves along]
Robin: Ooh, you want to rent a movie tonight?
Ted: You know, um... I listen to your work stories all the time.
Robin: Yeah, but... and I don't want to be rude here, but my work stories are interesting. I'm a television news reporter.
Lily: [Cut to Robin and Lily talking at the chiropodist] Robin!
Robin: What? I knew exactly what he was going to say. I was just helping him get there faster.
Lily: You should work at a suicide hotline.

Barney: [Anna is reading Barney's letter] Dear Resident,
Barney: The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again, but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I... am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet Resident. Perhaps we will meet again in another decade, provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond. Barney
Anna: [Barney said his name was Ted Mosby] Barney? Who the hell is Barney?

Ted: [Approaching a random girl at the bar] Hey, just out of curiosity. If a guy told you he was an architect, what would you think of that?
Anna: Are you kidding? Architects are hot. How do you think Mr. Brady scored a babe like Carol?
Ted: Solid point.

Kara: [after hearing Lily broke up with Marshall] You should sue her.
Brad: Uh, really? On what ground, Kara?
Kara: On the grounds of... shut up.
[Drinks from a keg then throws up]
Narrator: That's our Attorney General.

Barney: I'm telling you, you should use the architect angle with the ladies...
Ted: First of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, the architect angle doesn't even work on her. And third, I can't imagine that working on anyone, ever.
Barney: That's 'cause you're always like,
[in a mopey, loser-ish voice]
Barney: 'Ted Mosby, architect'.
[shrugs shoulders, makes dweeby face]
Barney: If it were me, I'd be like,
[speaking in a confident, assertive voice]
Barney: Ted Mosby, architect.
[points and pulls trigger on finger gun]
Barney: Anything sounds impressive when it's said with the right attitude.
Marshall: [clears throat, confidently] Marshall Erikson, recently dumped and heading to a lame party.
[looks away to imaginary hot girls]
Marshall: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, please, take it easy. There's enough of me for everyone.
[puts arms around two imaginary hot girls]
Marshall: Hi. Hello.
[to Ted and Barney]
Marshall: All right. We're gonna take off.
Barney: Wait up. I'll leave with you guys. Ted Mosby, architect. Trust me.

Robin: Do you know how many times I could've cheated on him? Six... no, seven. And you know two of them, and they would surprise you.

Robin: [after hearing Ted went to a club with a girl] Dancing? He went dancing with this girl? Okay, maybe this is a little bad. Dancing is bad. Dancing leads to sex.
Lily: Did you grow up in that Footloose town?

- There's enough of me for everyone.
- Oh. Hi. Hello.
- All right.
- We're gonna take off.
- Wait up, I'll leave with you guys.
- Ted Mosby, architect.
[clicks tongue]: Trust me.

Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think architects are hot. Think about it, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There's nobody hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.

- Well, don't stand out here and beat yourself up.
- Get in there and beat Ted up.
- I'll handle the slutty kickboxer.
- Actually, I'll take Ted.
- Let's do this.
- Bring it.

Lily: [after hearing Ted invited a girl from the bar to Marshall's law party] He asked her to a party. Oh, my God, are you okay?
Robin: Okay? It's awesome. It's a win-win. Ted got to vent and I don't have to hear it. Maybe after he's done with the talkie-talk, he'll come over and I'll get the fun part.
Lily: What is wrong with you? God, I feel like I'm teaching love as a second language here. Okay, you know how when he tells you boring work stories you're supposed to listen? Well, when he picks up some random girl at a bar, you're supposed to freak out.
Robin: I'm not freaking out because in my mind, she's fat.
Paula: She's a kickboxing instructor. Her ass looks better than my face.
Robin: All right, we'll swing by the party.

Brad: [At Marshall's law party] Yo, what's up, ladies? Welcome to the party. Yeah! Just need you to sign this release protecting the host from any and all responsibility should you harm yourself or a third party. Then freakin' rage! Yeah!

Barney: [In the apartment of the girl barney just hooked up with] Come on, let's go before she gets out of the shower.
Robin: You're such a pig. You're not even going to say good-bye?
Barney: I'll have you know I composed a lovely form letter for use in just such an occasion. Just fill out her name and then...
[Thinks, trying to remember the girls name]
Barney: Something with a "A." A... A... I'll just put "resident."
[Hears the shower shut off]
Barney: Go, go, go, go!

Robin: [Outside nightclub] Excuse me. I'm looking for a couple guys who came in here earlier. One's about six-four, 210, sandy brown hair. And the other's a cheating bastard.
Bouncer: You're going to need to refresh my memory.
Lily: Okay, fella. Baby knows how this game's played. How's a 20 help your memory?
[Hands him a 20 dollar bill]
Bouncer: Thanks, but seriously, it was crazy tonight. You really do need to refresh my memory.
Lily: Oh, Then can I have the...?
[Tries to take her money back, but the bouncer pockets it]
Lily: That's cool. You keep that.