50 Best American Pie Quotes

Jim's: [On Condoms] Well, they're safer than a tube sock...

Victoria: It's got to be completely perfect. I want the right time, the right moment, the right place.
Jessica: Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex.

Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!
Chris: She's a mermaid dude.
Jim: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.

Jessica: No wonder you're not psyched about sex. You've never even had one manually?
Vicky: I've never tried it.
Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?

Michelle: Now, I have 2 rubbers. Wear them both. It will desensitize you. I don't want you cumming so damn early this time.
Jim: What makes you think that I would cum early?
Michelle: Come on, I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing.
Jim: Yes I am.

Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?
Steve: [vomiting] Fuck you!

Chris: Suck me, beautiful.
College: What did you just say?
Chris: Suck me, beautiful!
[girl laughs]
Chris: Friends call me Nova, as in Casanova.
College: That's pathetic!
Chris: Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me.

[Deleted Scene. Jim and Oz walk outside]
Chris: She's a cartoon, dude.
Jim: She's a hot cartoon.
Chris: Dude, is there anything you don't jerk off to?
Jim: Of course there is. C-Span.

Jim's: [Jim's Dad just caught Jim masturbating into the pie his mom cooked] We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.

Finch: God bless the Internet.

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style will defeat it!
Kevin: Guys...
Chris: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: Guys! Come on, you're ruining my moment here. I mean, this is our very manhood at stake.

Finch: So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?
Stifler's: Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?
Finch: Yes ma'am, I am.

[Kevin and Vicky are sitting in class]
Victoria: [whispering] Hey, Kevin.
[mouthing]
Victoria: I want to have sex.
Kevin: [loudly] Now?
Victoria: [whispering] Prom.

[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]
Jim: Oh man...
Chris: Shit dude, the 'L' word?
Jim: And what did you say?
Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.
Chris: Good, then you're still safe.
Jim: You think she was serious?
Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Chris: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.
Jim: Yeah.
Chris: Yeah, no Sweat.
Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself
Chris: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...
Jim: Hey.

Jim's: [to Jim] Now, do you know what a clitoris is?

[Deleted Scene. Kevin enters to see Finch drinking mochachino]
Kevin: Finch, get to the bathroom, now!
Finch: Easy tiger, what's in there?
Kevin: Just go.
Finch: And why is this?
Kevin: Listen, you're going to shit your pants.
Finch: [snorts] That's charming.
Finch: Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting - really fast.
Finch: Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino... Oh... Oh!
[Finch runs from the room]

Coach: I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you *score*!

Garage: Go, trig boy! It's your birthday!

Steve: She called me and asked for my number.

Jim: [Nadia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.
Finch: HOLY SHIT!
Garage: [together] Holy shit
Enthusiastic: [enthusiastically] Holy shit!

Steve: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them!

[last lines]
Jim's: Sweetheart!

Steve: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?
Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?
Chris: Yeah, that would be great.
Steve: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.
Chris: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?
Steve: What? Whatever.

Steve: You actually said that?
[laughs hysterically]
Chris: Shut up!
Jim: You did better than me, Nova.
Chris: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.
Steve: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.
[shouts]
Steve: *suck me, beautiful!*
[walks off, laughing]

Chuck: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, Bitches.
Steve: Sherman!
Chuck: Hey!
Steve: What the fuck are you doing here?

Stifler's: I got some scotch.
Finch: Single malt?
Stifler's: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

Steve: Hey, Kev, seen Shitbrick lately?
Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?
Steve: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.
[shows a jar of laxatives]

Nadia: So uh, "shaved" is the expression?

Kevin: We must make a stand, here and now. No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! We will fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid and should be. This is our day. This is our time. And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy. Yes. We will make a stand. We will succeed. We will get laid!

Steve: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?

Finch: [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet] Did not just take out that chair.
Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair.

Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

Steve: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?
Chris: You came to see me in action?
Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
Steve: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

MILF: [while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom] Dude, that chick's a MILF!
MILF: What the hell is that?
MILF: M-I-L-F: Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
MILF: Yeah dude! Yeah!

Jim's: [talking about masturbation] It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
Jim: Right.
Jim's: It's not a game.
Jim: No.
Jim's: What you want is a partner to return the ball.

Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.
Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator?
[both laugh]

Michelle: Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Jim: [spits out drink] Excuse me?
Michelle: What? You don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is. Sex Ed. So, are we gonna screw soon? Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Jim: God... let this be it.

Vicky: [discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her] Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know, even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?
Jessica: He's got a dick, he's a guy.
Vicky: Right.

Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
Jim: Michelle! Michelle.

Chris: [On being sensitive] You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Steve: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

Jim's: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
[hesitates]
Jim's: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud".
[pause]
Jim's: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

[Deleted scene. Michelle and Jim collapse after having sex]
Stifler's: [Opens cupboard door] Awesome! That was better than Jurassic Park! Oh man...
Jim: Yes it was...

Choir: [to himself] Just focus on the music, think melody, let the music be my guide.
Heather: Yeah, that'd be a start.

Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.

Kevin: [watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet] He's pullin' out the porn.
Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

Chuck: I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady.

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]
Chris: She's a college chick.
Jim: Cassanova!
Chris: Debbie.
Steve: Bullshit - from where?
Chris: She works part-time at my dad's store.
Steve: Yeah right, Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.
Chris: Dude, come on, he does not.
Kevin: Really, Stifler, he's the manager.
Steve: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!
Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!
Steve: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sake and all she'll do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!
Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?
Steve: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.