The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 4, Episode 15 Quotes

Lily: Where are you going, Barney?
Barney: The beach. It's winter. Laser tag. Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere!

Marshall: You're telling me that when you watch "The Karate Kid", you don't root for Daniel-san?
Ted: Who do you root for in "Die Hard"?
Barney: Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. In the end, he dies hard. He's the title character.
Lily: What about "The Breakfast Club"?
Barney: The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.
Robin: I've got one. "The Terminator".
Barney: What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us did not shed a tear when his little red eye went out in the end, and he didn't get to kill all those people?
[Breaks down]
Barney: I'm sorry. I just get so emotional.
Ted: I am never watching a movie with you again.
Barney: They didn't even try to help him!

Marshall: Where is Barney going?
Ted: Yeah. We're not even in Manhattan anymore. Where's this girl live?
Robin: We're talking about a woman who's gotten Barney to commit. I'm guessing Narnia.

- Oh!
- Hello.
- Barney, who are all these people?
- Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin,
- I'd like you to meet Betty, my wife.
- And my son Tyler.

- Mom.
- Now pretend I said something nice.
- Now pretend I said something nice.
- I mean, that's very nice of you to say, Judy.
- Okay. You, too. Speak soon.

- We're not even in
- Manhattan anymore.
- Where's this girl live?
- We're talking about a woman who's actually gotten
- Barney Stinson to commit.
- I'm guessing narnia.
- Oh, oh, he's stopping.

Barney: Oh, I am so relieved because the truth is I am as far from married as a human being can possibly be. My history with women would shock and appall you.
Loretta: Doesn't matter. I still love you.
Barney: Seriously, you can't imagine the things I've done.
Loretta: Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad being passed around like a bong.
Barney: Mommy?

Lily: Hey, Barney. Hot blonde babies drinking bad decision juice at eight o'clock.
Marshall: Nice rack radar. That's my wife.
Barney: Nah, I gotta get going.
Lily: Seriously? But they're blonde and drunk, isn't that your type?
Barney: Maybe I don't have a type Lily. God do you think the male mind is really that simplistic. That we all have one favorite type, geez.
Barney: [to Ted and Marshall] Asian, with some boob.

Barney: [about his fake son, Tyler] So I had to cast auditions, and I ended up with Grant.
Ted: He seems fine.
Barney: Oh, really? Watch this. Hey, Tyler.
["Tyler" doesn't respond]
Barney: Hey, Tyler. Hey, Tyler! Hey, Grant.
Grant: Yeah?
Barney: See? It's like amateur hour over here! Call me crazy, but child actors were way better in the '80s.

Grant: By the way, I like your nose job.
Robin: Thanks, but I didn't get a nose job.
Grant: Right. Me neither.

Barney: Look, mom, there's something I have to tell you, something
[Trying to think of an excuse to get rid of his fake family]
Barney: I should have told you a long time ago. Tyler is dying, and Betty said that when he goes she's gonna off herself. So that's all probably going to go down pretty soon.

Lily: This is crazy. You actually cast your own son?
Barney: For a while, I got by borrowing/babysitting my neighbor's baby. And this one Christmas, when my mom was plowed on eggnog, I got away with a bag of flour and a Chuckie mask. But eventually, I had to hold auditions.
Barney: Four, eight... thirteen, Stay. The rest of you may go.
Stage: You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part.
Barney: Apparently, I'm a better actor than your kid.

Marshall: Now that you mention it, Barney did do something kind of odd at the office yesterday.
Barney: [Flashback, Barney on the phone] Okay, see you Saturday. I'm thinking brunch, farmer's market, maybe a hike. I love you, too. Bye.
Marshall: I figured he was just talking to some girl he was trying to nail. Or Ted.

Lily: I can't believe we haven't met you before. Who knew Barney had such a great mom?
Loretta: Thanks, dear. Truth is, I wasn't always the best mother when I was younger.
Marshall: Don't say that. I'm sure you were great.
Loretta: Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.
Lily: Excuse me?
Loretta: A whore, dear. A dirty whore. I'm not proud of it. But still, I had some fun. There is no thrill equal to looking into some guy's eyes and thinking, "I don't know your name, you don't know mine, but for the next eight minutes, we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom right off its foundation". And then just drive off in opposite directions... Just keep driving.

Grant: Meat loaf? Tyler no likey!
Barney: Tyler no likey? What did I tell you? You don't need a catchphrase!
Grant: But it's funny.
Barney: You know, you can be recast.