600 Best Jane Leeves Quotes
[It is morning at Frasier's apartment. Frasier, still half asleep, walks in to the living room wearing a robe. Meanwhile, Daphne is busy cleaning the dining table]
[opening lines]
Daphne: Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane. Not a morning person, are we? Well, never you mind. I am. Can't very well be a good health care provider if you're not up with the cock. I've already taken your father for his morning constitutional. Such a remarkable man - thirty years on the police force. I can understand why you'd want him to live here, although not many sons would do that, not without getting paid for it. Anyway, coffee's made, and I took the liberty of doing a shop. They don't serve much tripe in Seattle, do they?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [still tired] And you are...?
Daphne: Daphne. Daphne Moon. I moved in yesterday. You hired me to take care of your father.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [realizing] Of course. You'll have to forgive me, I'm not quite myself until I've shaved and showered.
Daphne: Oh, yes. I completely understand about one's morning ablutions. I, for instance, can't stand myself 'til I floss all that gunk out of my teeth...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [interrupting] Miss Moon! For future reference, if you could just keep your ablutions on a need-to-know basis? Thank you.
Daphne: You were a policeman, weren't you?
Martin: Yeah, how'd you know?
Daphne: I must confess... I'm a bit psychic.
[Daphne is torn about where to go for her vacation]
Frasier: Daphne? I was thinking about our conversation earlier today, and I've decided to give you an extra week off. That way you can go to Manchester, *and* Acapulco.
Daphne: Oh, that is so sweet! You must really think I should go home.
Frasier: Well, I've just realized that being part of a family is really worth the effort. And, sometimes the effort... means you'll need a week in Acapulco.
[on Frasier and Niles]
Martin: Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
Daphne: I suppose all brothers are like that. Mine certainly were. Everything was a contest! Who could the run the fastest, jump the highest. They even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until that year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then when he got five quid for it, why it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them!
[laughs]
[Frasier, having gotten all of the people out of the apartment from the originally planned evening, sees a server hiding out in the dining nook. Frasier frantically gestures for the man to come out but to no avail. Frasier then crawls across the floor on his hands and knees as the next conversation begins]
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Daphne] You are simply the most adorable creature I have ever seen on this Earth.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sure.
Dr. Niles Crane: No, I mean it. From your beautiful toes all the way up to your crusty nose, there's not an inch of you that I don't adore.
[Frasier stops at the staircase, watching over his shoulder as Daphne and Niles kiss. Frasier then points to the server, directing him out. The server hunches over and rushes to the door as Daphne and Niles end the kiss]
Dr. Niles Crane: You know, it's funny. You could take a million years to plan the perfect evening, and you'd never come up with this.
Rick: Don't misunderstand me. I mean the whole marriage would be a complete sham. I would expect nothing in return.
Joy: Then why would you do it?
Rick: Let me demonstrate. Excuse me, miss.
Carol: Yes.
Rick: Hi, I'm Rick and this is Joy, my fianceé. I noticed your expression just changed. You were surprised to hear that we were a couple?
Carol: Well, yes. I guess I was.
Rick: I don't want to put words in your mouth, but several explanations may have popped into your head: He must have money, or he's extraordinarily gifted in bed, or he's so incredibly wonderful that she was able to overlook his non-conformist body type. Did any of those thoughts occur to you?
Carol: Yes, all three of them.
Daphne: What a horrible thing to happen. Can you imagine poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Only if they moved the bars closer together.
Daphne: Uh, Niles, this is Jim Grady and Tank. This is Niles, my boyfriend.
Dr. Niles Crane: [shaking hands] Pleasure.
Jim: Boyfriend? Ah, I should have known. It seems like every time I'm single you're in a relationship, and every time you're single I'm in a relationship.
Daphne: Yeah, that's true.
Jim: I guess we just don't have...
Daphne: Timing!
Jim: -good...
[Daphne laughs]
Jim: And I'm a drummer!
Dr. Niles Crane: Which, uh, makes it even more ironic!
Daphne: Leo, we need you to bring Mr. Crane's chair back in here.
Leo: Ah, no can do fish 'n chips.
Daphne: [Niles has a date with Marjory Nash, the Fruit on the Bottom Yogurt heiress] What's she like?
Niles: Well, she's terribly haughty and rumors persist about her husband's death, but still a date's a date.
Niles: Good evening, Daphne
Daphne: [nervously] Dr. Crane.
[There is a pause as Niles senses something is up]
Niles: You look different somehow. Have you done something new with your hair?
[Daphne gestures to her party hat and takes it off]
Niles: That must be it!
[Niles goes over to greet Frasier and give him his birthday present as Daphne watches from a distance, looking almost longingly at Niles]
Joy: I get disgusting comments and lewd gestures like ten times a day. It is fantastic!
Joy: You know, they say if you love something, set it free. But I've never understood that. I say if you love something lock it in the basement and feed it through a slot in the door until it loves you back.
Daphne: [to Woody] It's nice to meet you.
Woody: Oh, hi. I like your accent. Ahh... you're from England, right?
Daphne: Manchester.
Woody: Darn! I'm usually pretty good at that.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hey, did you happen to catch the show today? I was on fire. First caller was an agoraphobic.
[punches the air]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boom! Knocked it right out of the park. Then, two troubled marriages and a compulsive over-eater. Boom-boom, Boom! I was a regular mental health dispensing machine.
Daphne: I did two loads of laundry and cut a piece of gum out of Eddie's hair.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, Daphne, don't get down on yourself. The work you do at home is very important. In fact, I don't know what Dad and I are going to do once you're married.
Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane, that makes me feel better.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boom! Boy, there is no off-switch on this thing!
Daphne: Sadly, that's true.
[laughs]
Frasier: Just keep in mind, Tom is just a co-worker who's coming by for a pleasant little dinner. If some sparks should ignite, then fine, but there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure... is that what you're wearing?
Daphne: Why, what's wrong with it?
Frasier: Don't you have something with a little more oomph? Oh, what about that, that strapless number you have?
Daphne: Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?
Frasier: Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Clive called for you earlier
Daphne: Did he sound British?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives.
Joy: [about the dog] Maybe there's something we can do to cheer him up. What do I do when I need cheering up?
Elka: He can't do that, Joy. He's been fixed.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, didn't you purchase some sort of stomach-tightening apparatus for dad?
Daphne: The Ab-Blaster or the Flab-Buster?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Right, I tell you what. Bring me both of them, I'll put them together and see if I can get a real good workout.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I've got a good feeling about this one.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh Frasier, you always have a good feeling. You think it's going to be perfect, and then when she turns out not to be the Kierkegaard-reading, soufflé-baking, haiku-writing cellist, you're disappointed. You have to learn to settle.
Daphne: [to Niles] What does that mean?
Daphne: I've decided to make Grammy Moon's famous sheep's head stew.
[looks of horror]
Daphne: Oh, don't worry; the name's a bit misleading... It's actually more of a soup.
Frasier: Bravo, Blaine. This is the best one yet, but you forget with whom you're dealing. I've seen it all.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair!
Frasier: Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on the way over and we'd like to use the living room.
Martin: Oh, fine by me. That stuff creeps me out anyway.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles I still can't believe you ever agreed to this. Those tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and lucky guesses.
Daphne: Yes, nothing at all like the subjective evidence and lucky guesses psychiatry is based on.
Martin: [smugly] Thank you.
Daphne: [Daphne and Roz want to set Frasier up on a date] No, we should go with my person first. You don't have the best track record.
Roz: Me? Whenever you've set me up with guys, I knew they were losers the second I saw them. They turned out to be bad in bed, too.
Roz: I don't mind the hamster dying, but I don't know how to break the news to Alice, she never had anything die before.
Daphne: How did your parents break it to you?
Roz: The wrong way. When I was 6, I had a canary that died, and that night my dad sat on my bed and told me that dying is just going to sleep and never waking up. Then he turned out the light and said 'Goodnight'.
Roz: So, is Donny going to be joining us?
Daphne: No, he's got wedding business this afternoon. He's composing our vows.
Roz: Oh, isn't that romantic?
Daphne: He's not exactly Wordsworth strolling through a shady glen. When I left, he was lying on the couch in his underwear with a tin of Vienna sausages and a rhyming dictionary on his chest.
Melanie: [about her ex] I haven't even gone on a date yet and he's taking his fiancee to Paris. And she's so *young*. She's half my age.
Victoria: Mel, darling, that really isn't that young.
Melanie: My *fake* age!
Victoria: Oh my God, she's a child!
Joy: I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch.
Sean: Nice meeting you all. Got to get back to the firehouse.
Joy: Wait. Um... I was wondering... what are you doing Saturday night?
Sean: Actually, I have a date with a lovely brunette.
Joy: What?
[mutters]
Joy: I'll kill her!
Sean: Sorry, I was trying to be clever. I was talking about you.
[last lines]
Victoria: The hero kidney donor would like some breakfast.
Melanie: Elka.
Victoria: I would like my initials in my cappuccino foam. And not the two letters you put in there yesterday.
Joy: I say we poison her.
Elka: She's only got the one kidney. It wouldn't take much.
Daphne: Well, this woman you're so in love with. Who is she?
Dr. Niles Crane: You didn't hear that part, did you?
Daphne: No, so come on! What's her name? You can't back out now.
Dr. Niles Crane: No, you're right, I can't. Ok, her name. Well, her name just happens to be... Da - Phyllis.
Daphne: Oh, I've never heard that name. DaPhyllis.
Dr. Niles Crane: It's a family name. Her friends call her Phyllis. 'Scuse me.
Gertrude: I'm happy to sleep on that sofa bed with its hard metal frame.
Daphne: You have a nice soft bed in Manchester.
Daphne: When I shook hands with that woman, I lost all feeling in me arm.
Daphne: [Frasier is having a hysterical breakdown] Well don't blame this on me! She brought the bloody tape over!
Roz: Oh, so this is all my fault? You saw that tape!
Daphne: I've seen your baby too, she could stand to miss a meal or two!
Roz: She's a healthy baby!
[Niles brings Daphne her profit from a stock tip he gave her]
Daphne: You have to help me decide what to do with it.
Niles: Well, you might want to consider letting Wendel re-invest it. That's what I'm doing. It's called "rolling it over."
[Frasier enters]
Daphne: Then I'll do it. Oh, this is so exciting!
Frasier: What's all this?
Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over.
Frasier: Niles?
Niles: [embarrassed] Communications breakdown.
Frasier: Good.
[first lines]
Joy: [Bob and Joy kiss passionately] Did they see us?
Bob: Yes, lover.
Joy: They can't hear us; you don't need to call me lover.
Bob: It's called undercover work, Joy. We're chasing identity thieves here, crafty and suspicious; if we want to get close to them we have to convince them we're just an ordinary couple.
Joy: Got it.
Bob: But we mustn't get too attached, you and I. That will only lead to heartbreak. Your heartbreak.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Niles is gone and has left a note] 'Dear Frasier, Dad, and Daphne, by the time you get up and find this note, I'll be gone. Thank you all for your love and support, but I don't want to be a burden anymore. Love, Niles'.
Daphne: Oh dear... you don't think...
Martin: Of course not. We know my gun is still locked up, and the balcony doors are still locked.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and Daphne's shepherd pie is still in the fridge.
Niles: [after receiving a phone call from Maris] Sorry, I have to go. Maris is despondent. They kicked her out of the cast of "Cats".
Daphne: Why?
Niles: She couldn't remember the words to "Memory".
Daphne: [Daphne, in discomfort from a product she used on her eyes, interrupts Frasier a conversation between Frasier and Eve, a woman he is trying to woo] Look, I don't mean to ruin your evening, but I can't stay at the party like this. Look at my eyes.
Frasier: [Niles, dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac, approaches, drunk and under the mistaken impression that Daphne is pregnant and Frasier is the father] Well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault. You should have read the directions on the package before you used it.
[Niles is in disbelief]
Daphne: I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me. I just know I need a lift home right now.
Frasier: Oh, all right, but I'm not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number, so you can just sit down, have a drink, smoke a cigarette if you like, for God's sake.
[Niles is appalled]
Frasier: I'm sorry. I'm very attracted to this young woman and I'm not going to let you or your little problem stand in my way.
Niles: [fed up] That's enough!
Frasier: Niles, get your big nose out of this. Lower your voice, you're embarrassing yourself.
Niles: The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother, you cad, you bounder, you r-r-r-roue!
Frasier: Well, what is so wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number?
Niles: We're not interested in your next conquest, we're talking about your last one; and before you deny it, I have plenty of proof.
Frasier: From here, it smells like eighty proof!
Niles: A woman stands here before you in dire need.
Daphne: It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me.
Niles: [takes hold of her arm] Indeed you can.
Martin: Niles...
Niles: [to Martin] I told you, don't try to stop me!
[to Frasier]
Niles: You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman, then you aren't man enough to stand by her?
Frasier: Niles, before you make a complete ass out of yourself...
Niles: Stop, or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry!
[draws sword, but the blade breaks off and remains sheathed]
Daphne: But Dr. Crane, you...
Niles: No, no, don't defend him. There may be one bastard in this family, but as long as I have anything to say about it, your baby won't be another.
[gets down on one knee; takes her hand]
Niles: Daphne, will you marry me?
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile! Daphne's not the one who's pregnant! Roz is!
Niles: Roz is?
Eve: Who's Roz?
Bulldog: She's the one dressed like "O."
Everyone: Oh...
Daphne: [to Niles] That was very gallant, Dr. Crane. Perhaps you should propose to Roz.
Martin: If anybody's gonna propose to Roz, it's Frasier!
Frasier: What?
Martin: How could you do that? Get her pregnant?
Gil: It was Frasier?
Frasier: No! Listen, everybody, I am not the father of Roz's baby! In fact, we don't even know for sure if there IS a baby!
[Roz appears at the top of the stairs]
Roz: We do now.
Lilith: Daphne. Niles. Congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.
Daphne: Thank you.
Lilith: Do you know the sex?
Niles: *Do* we? It's how we got pregnant!
Daphne: [on Martin] I don't know what's wrong with him. Lately, he's had a face as long as a wet weekend. Yesterday, when I insisted he do his exercises, he told me to put my feet behind my head and spin like a top.
[Niles gets a glazed, dreamy look]
Frasier: Oh well, the best thing to do is just ignore him when he gets sarcastic. Isn't that right, Niles... Niles?
Niles: [snaps back] I'm sorry, Frasier. For some reason I feel a little dizzy.
[first lines]
Victoria: Ice. I need ice.
Joy: I realize it's happy hour somewhere, but isn't it a bit early even for you?
Victoria: It happens to be an emergency.
[holding ice tray against the side of her neck]
Victoria: I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.
Elka: What's going on?
Joy: Victoria's having a senior moment.
Elka: Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.
Daphne: [rehearsing for a radio play] Sound of door opening.
Roz: [with a mouthful of food] Infpactar, fhank goddies oo cam.
Frasier: Stop the watch. Roz, I have a line here that says, "When she opened her lips I caught a hint of some mixed exotic accent." You will notice it does not say, "When she opened her lips cheese fell out".
Joy: I've lost all trust in men, so unconditional love from a neutered male is just what I need.
[Bebe is being forced to quit smoking]
Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that. What is it? Oh, yes: bitch!
[on their way home, the boys have a small adventure helping their cab driver to deliver her baby]
Daphne: I can't wait to see what kinds of dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing. Probably that one where my mother shows up and says...
[old lady voice]
Daphne: "Well, Daphne, you're fifty now and you've never given me grandchildren." Then I say, "That was my choice to make, Mum, I was thinking of my career." "Oh sure, your career, but did you ever think of me?" "Mother, I don't want to start this again, just drop it." "But will she drop it...?" "Oh shut up, mother!" "Don't talk to me like that, young lady...!"
[exits]
Frasier: I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.
[having gone out of his way to cheer everyone up on his father's birthday, everyone is abandoning Frasier's planned celebration to join a party downstairs]
Frasier: No, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood any more.
Daphne: Oh, don't be a party pooper.
Martin: Ah, leave him. He's always been this way.
Frasier: Excuse me! Just-just a second! I think it's time we learnt what it is to walk in the shoes of this particular party pooper. I spend the damn week administering to the troubled and the neurotic and the just plain goofy, and then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there! Out on the street, in the cafe, even in this building. More people. More problems. I suppose they think it's okay, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door! Without so much as a 'thank you'! Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The doctor is out.
Daphne: Oh, my God, look at me - I'm shaking! It just came gushing out. Once I started, I couldn't stop.
Dr. Niles Crane: I know, it's all right, it's all right - you were great. You were great - I have never been prouder of you.
Daphne: I can't believe I talked to my mother that way.
Dr. Niles Crane: You must have been pretty outraged to have invented all those former lovers.
Daphne: What?
Daphne: It's too late to turn back now, I say we make a run for it!
Frasier: Oh that's a great idea, a high speed chase in an 8 ton motor home! I'm sure that'll be an amusing anecdote for the border patrol newsletter!
Frasier: Say, Dad, you remember that woman I went out with on Valentine's Day but I wasn't quite sure if it was a romantic thing?
Martin: Yeah, that new publicity woman at the station.
Frasier: Yes, Cassandra Stone. Well, I asked her out again last night and I got my answer.
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry, Fras'.
Frasier: No, I'm not finished!
Martin: That's the spirit. You hang in there.
Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, someone once said that long periods of abstinence can actually refresh the soul.
Cassandra: [Cassandra enters in a blue robe] Morning, everyone!
Frasier: Yes. Well, that someone was me and I was full of it!
Martin: See if I've got this tie on right?
Daphne: Just needs a minor adjustment. What's all this hair on it?
Martin: The only way I can get the knot right is if I tie it on Eddie first.
Daphne: I'm so sorry. My timing's so terrible.
Donny: Not really. If you hang around a few minutes, I'm sure we can get you on the wedding video.
Daphne: I really had no idea you were getting married so soon.
Donny: Well, call me crazy, but I've got a prejudice against long engagements.
Bob: I'll meet you at the motel. But just so you know, John Johnson sleeps in the nude.
Joy: And just so *you* know, Natasha Johnson sleeps with scissors.
Bob: Pajamas it is, then.
[on Frasier's theme song]
Daphne: It's like Gilbert and Sullivan, only frightening.
[Mrs. Moon just announced that her husband left her]
Daphne: Oh, Mum, it can't be. I'm sure he just got sidetracked on his way home from the pub.
Gertrude: Well, I thought that myself for the first week! But, no, he's gone for good.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hi, Daph.
Daphne: What are you doing here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Had a nightmare. Couldn't get back to sleep.
Daphne: [sitting] That's strange. Niles had a nightmare, too. And I just dreamt...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [interrupting] Niles had a nightmare?
Daphne: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What about?
Daphne: He dropped the baby and it shattered.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [chuckling] That's perfect. Wait a minute. How did he drop it? Was it from a height? In a crowd? Was there water involved?
Daphne: No, it was in the nursery.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [satisfied] Yes!
[Niles enters]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, hi, Niles! I understand you had a bad dream.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, it was utterly inscrutable. There was a table saw and apple pies, and...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Spare me, Niles, you broke the baby. Now who has the obvious dreams?
Dr. Niles Crane: It was still more interesting than yours.
[to Daphne]
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier dreamed he killed me and married you.
Daphne: At least he wasn't cheating on me with the service people because I was fat!
Dr. Niles Crane: Will you please stop blaming me for something I did in your dreams?
Daphne: So you admit it?
Dr. Niles Crane: Daphne, Daphne, I will always find you attractive. Your dream shouldn't worry you at all. Unlike mine, I could very well turn out to be a bad father.
Dr. Frasier Crane: At least you two can face your fears together. Whom do I have to hug away my nighttime terrors, hmm?
Daphne: Oh, boo-hoo, send yourself some flowers.
Daphne: [the men pull her up, looks down] Oh bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!
Daphne: [having a psychic flash about woman in Martin's case] She had a lot of men in her life, didn't she?
Martin: No kidding. She was a hooker.
Daphne: No, I mean she had four brothers.
Martin: ...That's amazing! She did have four brothers.
Daphne: That's a lovely building. I've only been there once, applying for a job.
Niles: I can't imagine anyone turning down a chance to hire you.
Daphne: I hope you're right, I haven't heard yet. Well, goodnight!
Martin: [She leaves to her bedroom. The three Crane men look unsettled] Hey, Frasier, you don't...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just relax, Dad. It's just her way of angling for more vacation time.
Martin: What if she isn't?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, they'd still have to call me for a reference. Either way, she's not going anywhere.
Daphne: [Daphne is telling Niles about her vision] Well, then the vicar began the ceremony. He asked if anyone had a reason why we shouldn't wed and that's when this... well, this person stood up and said that he did. He said that he was the true love of my life, though he'd never had the courage to say so. Ah, I feel so awkward telling you all this.
Dr. Niles Crane: Don't.
[excited]
Dr. Niles Crane: I think I know who this person is.
Daphne: You do?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
Daphne: Well, I don't see how you could. I couldn't tell myself. He was standing in the shadows and I couldn't see his face. All I could make out was that he was wearing a red bow tie.
Dr. Niles Crane: I don't have a... clue why anyone would wear such a thing to a wedding.
Daphne: The two of us and just one fan. Well, of course, you're the host, you take it.
Niles: No, I couldn't sleep at all knowing you were in the next room hot and... hot.
Daphne: Well, I suppose under the circumstances we could both sleep in the same room.
Niles: It does oscillate.
Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane. Shame on you, Dr. Crane. Why can't you be more like Dr. Crane?
Melanie: Hey! Guys! Guess what? I have a date with my gynecologist.
Elka: They're called appointments, dear.
Joy: We've all been there, Melanie. So desperate for a man's touch you make an appointment you don't even need.
Melanie: No, I've never done that.
Joy: Nor have I.
Daphne: It must be awfully hard work putting on an opera.
Alistair: It is utterly draining! In fact, when I'm in rehearsals, I devote every ounce of strength to it. No exercising, no jogging... I even abstain from sex! Well, you can ask Frasier here! My poor, dear... patient Frasier.
Daphne: What, you mean you're dating both of them?
Frasier: No, I didn't intend to. It's just that - well, I ran into Faye yesterday and I was about to tell her about Cassandra. It's just that we were enjoying our coffee so much that coffee turned into dinner, and then dinner turned into drinks, and then drinks turned into, well... coffee again!
[Daphne suddenly starts crying]
Martin: What's the matter with you?
Daphne: [sobbing] Well, look around you. Nothing but couples in love. It's never gonna be me. I'm just going to end up a dried-up old maid in a quilted bathrobe with a smelly, deaf cat on my lap!
Martin: But I thought you said you were okay with that.
[Frasier angrily confronts Daphne about his missing socks]
Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. I'm forced to do the laundry downstairs, and I guess your socks are just too tempting to the neighbors. Of course, you're welcome to go down there yourself and stand guard.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I see. But if we had our own washer-dryer, there would be no more lost socks. I will not be strong- armed by threats against my laundry!
Daphne: Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [confused] I don't have any pinks.
Daphne: You will!
Daphne: I don't understand this American obsession with sports figures. They're all so superficial.
Martin: Yeah, it's not like they do anything real important, like sit on a throne or christen ships.
Daphne: Dr. Crane...
Niles: Yes, Daphne?
Daphne: We're losing the fire!
Niles: No we're not, it's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!
Niles: Daphne, It is not too late for us. I meant what I said when I said I would leave her.
Daphne: That's crazy!
Niles: No, no, it's NOT crazy. If you feel the same way I do. But I need you to tell me, and I can accept it if the answer is "No." How do you feel about me?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Everyone, I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our furniture family!
[Frasier pulls of the cover to reveal a near perfect replica of Martin's original chair, sans the duct tape]
Martin: Oh!... Where did you find this?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You can't find that, Dad - it doesn't exist anymore. Which is why I contacted a master builder, showed him some photographs, and had him duplicate it. As for the material, I tracked down the original manufacturer, and once I got them to admit they made it, I had them reweave it!
Daphne: It must have cost a fortune!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. Ironically, this is now the most expensive piece of furniture in the entire apartment.
Martin: [sits down] It's beautiful! Thank you, son!
Dr. Niles Crane: Well done, Frasier.
Martin: Oh, it feels just the same - I don't want to get up!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, that's a shame, because I was planning on taking us both out to dinner this evening, Dad - anywhere you'd like!
Martin: [gets up] Even the steakhouse?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Even the steakhouse!
[Frasier gets their coats]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, Daphne, you're welcome to join us.
Daphne: Oh, sorry, but we're in the middle of my piano...
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, we'd love to.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I'll bet we can get free pie if we just tell them it's our anniversary!
Melanie: I don't want him not to like me. I like being likeable. Not to brag, but it's kinda my thing.
Victoria: Mm-hm.
Joy: You should be able to tolerate *someone* not liking you.
Melanie: You're right. I mean, a ton of people don't like you and you're fine with it.
[Victoria laughs]
Melanie: I'm, I'm going to staple my mouth shut.
Daphne: [drinking with Bulldog in a limo] I love champagne, but it makes me tipsy, but that's the beauty of riding in a limo, unless of course the driver's been drinking. I'll check.
[picks up phone]
Daphne: You're not drinking, are you?
[to Bulldog]
Daphne: He says he's not. So, let's drink to the driver not drinking. Did I mention this is my first time in a limo? Yes of course I did.
[Eddie the dog stares at Frasier]
Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me. I'm another year older today, I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad. Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely... Well, it's quite a realization isn't it?
[Unbeknownst to Frasier, Daphne walks in to the room wearing a robe]
Frasier: I really do love Daphne and I'm about to lose her. I've got to show her how I feel about her, while I still have the chance.
[Daphne, taken aback by the comments, quickly tiptoes back to her room before Frasier notices her]
Frasier: Well, I don't know whether it was the therapy or the painkillers but I actually feel a bit better. Let's try this.
[Frasier pulls himself to sit more comfortably on the chair; Meanwhile, Eddie buries his head under the pillow]
Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.
Daphne: [returning to the living room, acting] Oh, Dr. Crane! I didn't know you were here, I can't hear anything in that shower of mine, it's like a soundproof vault!
Frasier: Daphne, I wanted to apologize for being so short with you this morning.
Daphne: It's fine.
Frasier: No, it's not. It's never fine. Listen, come here, please
[Daphne hesitantly walks over to him]
Frasier: Give me a hug
[They hug somewhat awkwardly, with Daphne keeping some distance between her body and his]
Frasier: Oh Daphne, do you know how much you mean to me?
Daphne: I'm getting an idea!
Daphne: [answering the phone] Hello? Why, Mrs. Crowley, we were just talking about you. Yes he's here, hold on.
Martin: [She passes the phone to Martin, and brings some tea to Frasier] Hi. Really? No, I'm not busy, dinner sounds like fun.
Daphne: [to Frasier] A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] Yes, where would the world be without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking?
Dr. Niles Crane: So where you from?
Daphne: Manchester, England.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, my. Big family?
Daphne: Hideously. And you?
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm from a small mountain village in Tibet.
[She laughs]
Dr. Niles Crane: Tenzing Norgay used to carry me to school.
Victoria: We've been through, what, everything together. OK, between us: six divorces,
Joy: Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends - all of them mine.
Melanie: Five kids.
Joy: Two grandkids.
Victoria: Nieces, please!
Melanie: We've just always had each others' backs,
Victoria: Mm-hm.
Melanie: for better and for worse.
[about Honey Snow]
Daphne: You should try reading one of her books.
Frasier: Well, I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.
[Roz is house-sitting for Frasier]
Daphne: If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the front. If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces the back, don't ask me why.
Roz: I don't know how you live with him.
Daphne: Huh, I don't know how you work with him.
Roz: Well, I have learned a trick: when he's really bugging me, I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight. Before you know it, he's checking his butt out in the glass of the candy machine.
Daphne: Really? I tell him he's gained weight. He skips dinner, sulks in his room, and I have the whole evening to myself.
[they laugh and clink glasses]
Rodney: Nothing smells quite so heavenly as a freshly brewed cup of coffee. Well, perhaps one thing does.
Daphne: [Rodney smells Daphne's hair. She laughs] Oh, stop that! He just loves to smell my hair!
Frasier: [There's a crash from the kitchen, where Niles is. Frasier fears he's broken one of his Henry VIII's wives coffee cups] Anne Boleyn?
Niles: [off camera] Catherine of Aragon.
Joy: [to Melanie] You're such a little slut.
Frasier: Where are the Thomasons? Why is that dog still here?
Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they struck me as unfit guardians.
Frasier: Oh for God's sake, he works at the zoo! She's a nurse, Billy's an altar boy and Kathy is a Campfire Girl!
Daphne: They had a dark aura.
Frasier: They had a ten-acre farm! If they'd taken me, I'd have gone with them!
Frasier: Apparently, it was Aunt Louise's wish that Niles dispose of her ashes.
Niles: Now the pressure's on me to find the perfect place for her to rest for eternity. I haven't the faintest idea what to do with her.
Martin: Why don't you just flush her down the toilet.
Daphne: Mr. Crane, you can't do that.
Martin: Why not, she loved water.
[Frasier gives Daphne a pair of earrings which she mistakes for real sapphires]
Daphne: [blabbering] You know, my friend Molly got a diamond bracelet from her boss but she worked for him for ten years, AND she was sleeping with him! And now I've got sapphires! And I didn't even have to sleep with you! Although now that I've got the sapphires... Oh God, what am I saying? I'm giddy! Is it rude if I go and try these on? I don't care! I have to see what these look like! I've never had real jewelry, before, never! I'm speechless!
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, you're not famous ANYMORE!
[Frasier starts bawling]
Martin: What in the hell did you do that for?
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, he needed a push.
Martin: But look at him! This can't be good!
Dr. Niles Crane: No, it IS good. Let it all out, Frasier, let it all out, good, that's right.
[Frasier carries on]
Dr. Niles Crane: That's probably enough now, okay.
Martin: How much more can be in there?
Dr. Niles Crane: Okay, alright, yeah. That's probably enough now.
[to Martin]
Dr. Niles Crane: I don't think I can get him to stop.
Martin: But this is sickening!
Daphne: What're we gonna do?
Martin: Somebody get that Monte Cristo in there!
Daphne: Oh, I love to see a man with a cigar. It reminds me of my grandfather. Morning to night, he used to sit with a great big stogie dangling from his lips. Oh, the hours we kids used to spend sitting on his lap, playing with the yellow whiskers beneath his nose. Then he'd take out his teeth with the cigar still in them and chase us around the room! We'd all laugh and laugh... then suddenly Grampa's mood would change, and we'd all have to run for our lives... You can't buy memories like that.
Martin: [to Frasier] You're being too picky. It's just housekeeping, not rocket science.
Daphne: I beg to differ. You don't even know half of what I used to do around here. Like dusting the plant leaves or rotating your underwear.
Martin: Excuse me?
Daphne: Every month, I used to throw out your oldest pair and put in two new pairs. Did it ever occur to you that you never had to buy underwear in ten years?
Martin: I thought I got hold of a good batch.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Afternoon, Daphne.
Daphne: Hello. Oh, Dr. Crane. It's a good thing you're home. Mr. Houghton is dropping by to pick your father up for the Mariners game.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You serious? He's coming back?
Daphne: Yes. Any minute. It's a double header.
[Frasier looks blankly at her]
Daphne: They play two games!
Niles: [handing her one of Maris' dead plants] Daphne, I have a fervent hope that you can coax this
[plant]
Niles: back to life. It's one of Maris' favorites.
Daphne: My goodness! What did she do to it?
Niles: Nothing, just... loved it.
Victoria: [on phone] Cherchez ma robe maintenant, ou des têtes tomberont.
Joy: Bloody French.
Melanie: You don't even know who she's talking to.
Joy: Don't need to.
Daphne: I'm Daphne, Niles's wife.
Alistair: [sarcastically] No.
Dr. Niles Crane: We're expecting.
Alistair: Can't say I was
Daphne: Oh, come on now, Dr Crane. It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
Frasier: How can we possibly *use* sex to get what we want? Sex *is* what we want.
[first lines]
Elka: Look at our baby; he's so depressed.
Melanie: Maybe we should just take him back to the vet.
Joy: No, the vet said he was fine physically.
Elka: Well, maybe he's just sad because Joy looks like a bone he can't chew on.
Victoria: Or maybe because for every one of our years he ages seven. That would depress the hell out of me.
Daphne: [about Irene's son] Is he the breached birth?
Martin: No that's the other one.
Daphne: Oh yeah, the one with the wife who won't ever let him visit. I can't stand her.
Daphne: Who's staying all weekend?
Niles: Bebe Glazer.
Martin: [worried] Here?
Martin: [worried] What does she have to stay here for?
Frasier: She's trying to quit smoking.
Martin: [sarcastic] Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm glad we worked this out.
Daphne: Me too.
Dr. Niles Crane: [wanting sex] And now that we've made up, maybe we could mmm... .
Daphne: Well, I guess we know who's not psychic.
[about the huge big-screen TV he's bought for Martin]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Perhaps I'm panicking needlessly. It just needs a little dressing-up, really. You know, I'll just arrange these plants here at the base.
Daphne: Yes, you always said you needed more greenery in here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, maybe an objet or two on top. Yes, yes, this little bud vase, here. That makes a world of difference, doesn't it?
Daphne: Oh, sure it does, Dr. Crane. All the difference in the world!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [breaking down] Oh, it's ghastly! Oh God, you just don't put a smear of lipstick on the Bride of Frankenstein and turn her into a trophy wife, do you?
[repeated line]
Joy: [to Melanie] You're such a little slut.
Daphne: I feel very close to you.
Niles: I feel very close to you too Daphne. You know it's easy being someone you feel close to when you feel close to someone who's so close.
Daphne: I don't understand! How come you never said anything before?
Niles: Daphne, I wanted to. I just... the timing just never seemed right.
Daphne: Oh, and the timing's right now? I'm twelve hours from the altar and you're on your honeymoon!
Niles: I would never have gotten married if I thought there was the slightest chance that you shared my feelings. Trust me, Daphne, say the word and I will leave Mel in a heartbeat.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, it's a shame Mel had to leave.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh yeah, you know, we were having such a good time.
Martin: Yes, Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: You know, I was nervous bringing her over here.
[Frasier and Niles sit down on the couch as Martin sits in his recliner]
Dr. Niles Crane: Actually, I was concerned what you'd think, you know, getting to really know her for the first time. So?
Roz: [Before Frasier or Martin can answer] Ooh, I'm going to go let Eddie in.
[Roz heads for the balcony]
Dr. Niles Crane: Come on, seriously, I want you to be totally honest. Tell me, what do you think of Mel?
Daphne: [entering from the kitchen while waiting on the phone] Oh, I don't like her at all, she's bossy and fussy and mean. She's all wrong for you.
[into phone]
Daphne: Yes, I need a large pepperoni pizza, and some cheese bread!
[Niles is alarmed by Daphne's comments as she heads back to the kitchen]
Martin: I'm sure she didn't mean that, Niles.
[Martin follows Daphne into kitchen]
Dr. Niles Crane: [recovering] Well, that was startling.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, well, don't take that seriously, Niles. You know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another.
Roz: [returning from the balcony] Oh, that's great, I leave the room for one second and you rat me out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, Roz...
Roz: [pouring herself another Bloody Mary] No, it's okay, I don't have anything to hide and I'm not irrational. She's pushy, demanding and a gigantic pain in the ass! I'd dump her like radioactive waste.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, so that's two of you in the Anti-Mel camp
Roz: [to Frasier] Oh, did you tell him what you thought of Mel too?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, Daphne did.
Roz: Oops.
[Roz heads for the kitchen]
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I just think she's Maris all over again, she's manipulative... I think you're repeating a terrible pattern.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, isn't this neat? We all have our individual reasons for disliking her.
[he looks up to see Martin returning from the kitchen with Daphne]
Dr. Niles Crane: Hey, Dad, what's your reason for disliking Mel?
Daphne: [to Martin] So you did tell him what you think of her and after shoving me into the kitchen and shaking your freakin' finger at me!
Martin: She's crazy, Niles, I don't know what she's talking about...
Dr. Niles Crane: [getting up from the couch to get his coat] No, no, that's all right, Dad. I, er, I asked you all to be honest and you were. I got my answer. You know what would have been nice? Is if one of you could have found one nice thing to say about her.
[Niles exits and slams the door behind him in disgust. Frasier, Roz, Daphne and Martin look around in guilt for a few moments]
Daphne: She does have that X-ray vision.
Niles: Just to clarify, you're going to stay here but your parents are going to stay with me?
Daphne: I'm so glad you understand.
Niles: [mouthing to Frasier and Martin] What happened?
[last lines]
Joy: Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John *or* George Michael. I thought he wanted *my* sex.
Melanie: I didn't even know the Village People were gay.
Victoria: Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.
Elka: In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.
Melanie: You thought Liberace was straight.
Elka: I could have turned him.
Bob: You know, it's the things and people you don't do that you regret.
Joy: What part of you can't understand that we are never going to sleep together?
Bob: Oh, I think you know which part.
[last lines]
Joy: Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?
Mamie: Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.
Joy: Wilbur, darling, say 'Nana'. Na-na.
Baby: Nana.
Joy: Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.
Mamie: Well, actually his first word wa...
Elka: Zip it.
Victoria: I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.
Joy: Wilbur, say it again. Say 'Nana'.
Baby: TV.
Melanie: Did he just say 'TV'?
Elka: I heard 'Nana'.
Baby: TV.
Elka: That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.
Joy: Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.
Baby: Crap!
Elka: That is us watching our language.
Joy: That's it; you two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.
Baby: Bitch!
Elka: I got nothing.
Niles: Hello, Frasier
Frasier: Oh, hello Niles. Merry Christmas. To what do I owe this occasion?
Niles: Oh, nothing. Just stopped by to get an opinion on a gift I was considering for Maris.
[Daphne enters from her room, wearing a tight, black cocktail dress]
Daphne: [to Niles] Well, it pinches a bit under the arms, but you be the judge.
[does a little twirl; then to Frasier]
Daphne: Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: [glaring at Niles] Daphne.
Daphne: [to Niles] Shall I put the little red one back on so you can make your choice?
Frasier: I think Niles has all the information he needs, thank you.
Daphne: Fair enought
[Daphne goes back to her room. Frasier glares at Niles]
Niles: You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size.
Frasier: Give or take a foot.
Daphne: Have a good time. Don't spend too much.
Martin: Oh, don't worry about that. I've got a whole system worked out where I can get everything I want for the minimum bid.
Frasier: Dad, it's hardly in the spirit of the evening. We're raising money for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
Martin: Oh, baloney. You just want to go there so you can hob-nob with all your snooty friends.
Frasier: Oh, that is not true.
Martin: Oh, yeah? Well, then answer me one question: just who is Kelly Ann Grunther?
Frasier: Kelly Ann Grunther is... the person... responsible for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
Martin: Well, what does that mean?
Frasier: Well, I guess she's just a very wealthy person that put up a lot of money, right?
Roz: I thought she had some kind of disease?
Dr. Niles Crane: I always thought she was a scientist doing research.
Martin: So, in other words, it could have been called...
[looks at Eddie]
Martin: the Eddie Eddie-mund Foundation, as long as there was fancy food on silver platters.
Daphne: Well, Dr. Crane, you needn't worry about Blaine asking you for money anymore. He's received the thousand dollars he needs for Sunday.
Frasier: What nitwit gave him a thousand dollars?
Dr. Niles Crane: Now, Frasier, that's not fair. Perhaps whoever did it simply has a kind heart and a trusting nature that I, for one, find refreshing.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne.
Daphne: Nobody likes going to the doctor, except me brother, Michael. He'd start getting undressed in the car, and mind you that was just the dentist.
Melanie: I put in an application for him, and they're going to send over a home inspector next week to see if we're dog worthy. So we have *got* to be good because everybody wants him.
Victoria: Well, what to we do? Who do we pay? Who does Joy sleep with?
Melanie: No, things like money and sexual favors aren't going to do the trick.
Joy: Wow. We really aren't in L.A. any more.
Victoria: So. Nick is *not* going to take no for an answer, huh?
Elka: No. I've never been in a triangle before. You girls are slutty; what would you do?
Joy: Geometry's more Victoria's specialty; she's been into triangles, squares...
Victoria: Yeah, I was almost in a hexagon once, but at the last minute the twins dropped out.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: She never thinks about anybody but herself. Daphne, get me a cup of tea.
Daphne: Actually, I have a bit of a headache.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Oh, you could be coming down with something. Wash your hands first.
[the phone rings and Daphne answers]
Daphne: Hello?... Oh, Mum.... Yeah, I'm sorry; I've been meaning to call, but Dr. Crane yells at me whenever I phone long distance.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I do not!
Martin: Let her say whatever she needs to.
Daphne: Yeah, and poor old Mr. Crane is so feeble, he can't even make it to the loo by himself.
Martin: Hey!
Frasier: I'm sorry, Daphne, I'm afraid this is my fault. Ms. Langer's simply retaliated against me. You see, last night I rather humiliated her in a dazzling display of rhetoric!
Daphne: I heard you spilled your briefcase all over the floor.
Frasier: You know, this building has a grapevine Ernest and Julio Gallo would envy!
[standing at the side of the road, after being pulled over]
Dr. Niles Crane: We don't have time for this, we have to get to the bridge!
Policeman: According to her tracking device, your wife is in this vehicle.
Dr. Niles Crane: But that's absurd!
Daphne: [annoyed] And she's his *ex*-wife!
[sound of doors slamming]
Martin: Oh no, the press is here!
Policeman: Open the trunk, sir.
Dr. Niles Crane: Please, please, there's an item of a very personal nature in there, so if you could just keep the media back...
Policeman: [drawing his gun] Now!
[Niles opens the trunk, the policeman rummages inside]
Dr. Niles Crane: See? No Maris. Oh, careful, careful, that's what I didn't want you to...!
[the policeman reveals the painting]
Martin: Oh, jeez.
Policeman: What the hell is that?
Dr. Niles Crane: It's Pan, the satyr. A minor god of mischief, debauchery, and fornication.
Daphne: [fondly] That's what our son would look like if I were a goat!
[after arguing about doing Martin's exercises for the umpteenth time]
Martin: Just decided what I want for my birthday: fire Daphne!
Daphne: You'd have to re-hire me first, because I quit! I hope I never see this place or that hateful old canker sore ever again.
Edwina: Please, take these free tickets to my play!
Homer: What? What play?
Edwina: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean 'MacBeth'?
[a car splashes Ian McKellen]
Edwina: Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying 'MacBeth'?
[an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]
Edwina: OW! Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Edwina: 'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Bart: This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']
Ian: Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'!
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Lisa: Mom, you said 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Homer: Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Edwina: That's quite alright. You didn't know.
Daphne: Someone here is long overdue for a...
Martin: Hey! Don't you say that word.
Daphne: What word?
Martin: B-A-T-H.
[Eddie runs away]
Frasier: When he yawns, it may smell like swamp gas, but his spelling's improving.
Daphne: Where did Mrs. Crane go, anyway?
Niles: She's making her annual pilgrimage to the holy land.
Martin: I thought she was going to Dallas to visit her sister.
Niles: That is her holy land. It's the site of the first Neiman Marcus.
Daphne: [to her mother] Oh, and by the way: I'm no virgin - haven't been for years. You remember that boy with the lazy eye you hated so much? Yeah, he was my first! Did it right in the parlor where you take your tea. Then, there was the German who fixed Dad's car. Oh yeah, and that Irish chap I fancied, who was twice my age and had his own van - and a band! Then I came to America. Shall I go on? Well, I am a grown woman, who's made her own life and her own decisions. Now, I plan to shack up with Niles here, and damned if we aren't gonna do it every night of the week.
[Niles displays an uncomfortable grin]
Roz: [an unemployed Frasier is lying on the couch, sobbing.] Frasier, it's all in how you look at things. Look at my life...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [still crying] No career, no relationship, no hope!
Roz: You can say the same thing about me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I was talking about you!
[Roz smacks him]
Daphne: Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say--
[Frasier yells loudly.]
Martin: What are you trying to do, kill him?
[off-screen, Eddie is barking]
Frasier: What is the matter with him?
Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.
[Eddie keeps barking]
Frasier: Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!
Martin: Hey guys.
Niles: Hey there.
Daphne: So, who won the squash game?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Daphne, it's not about winning or losing, its about the thrill of competition.
Martin: Congratulations Niles.
Daphne: [Frasier is doped up on painkillers for his back and Daphne is giving him a massage] You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you? You know what's curious, though?
Frasier: Cats!
Daphne: Yes. But I'm talking about our little mix-up. When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
Frasier: Oh that... he meant Niles!
Daphne: [completely stunned] What?
Frasier: Niles... he's crazy about you!
Daphne: [still stunned] Dr. Crane?
[to Frasier]
Daphne: Dr. Crane!
[Frasier has fallen asleep]
Daphne: [looking at Frasier's dressing gown] Ooh! Six more weeks of winter, I see!
Daphne: Oh, couldn't we just keep them for a while?
Frasier: [with the box of puppies] No, no we don't want them taking after their father. It may be too late already...
[to the puppies]
Frasier: Oh for God's sake, stop staring at me!
Harvest: A natural childbirth needn't be painful.
Roz: It needn't be, but it be.
Daphne: How painful?
Roz: Would you have a tooth pulled without Novocaine?
Daphne: No.
Roz: Well, a tooth is ONLY this big.
Harvest: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted to be emotionally present for the birth of your baby. But I see that you just want somebody to dope you up, strap you down, and yank it out.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait, don't go.
Daphne: Yes, our friend was just leaving.
Roz: All right. You're right, I'm sorry. This is a private matter.
[strokes Daphne's head supportively]
Roz: You need to do what's right for you.
[Daphne nods, smiling - and Roz yanks a hair out of her head]
Daphne: Ow!
Roz: Times a million.
Joy: You're not old. Forty's the new twenty-five.
Victoria: I thought forty was the new thirty.
Joy: Well, if we're just going to make crap up, I'd rather be twenty-five.
Daphne: Let it out, let it all out!
Niles: Oh Daphne... I ADORE YOU!
Daphne: And I adore you too!
Niles: WHAT?
Dr. Frasier Crane: What the hell are you two doing here?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, we came to cheer you up with some late night fast food.
[He holds out a bag]
Dr. Niles Crane: If anything's gonna make you forget a woman, it's a big Double Juicy.
Daphne: Please, take it. If you don't, he will. I've created a monster. He's already had two chimichangas and a You Ain't Nothin' But a Corndog.
Dr. Niles Crane: All for less than
[uncomfortable burp]
Dr. Niles Crane: four dollars. Where has this food been all my life?
Dr. Frasier Crane: On the end of a coroner's artery scraper!
Martin: Hey, Daph.
Daphne: Hey. Have a good time at the auction?
Martin: Oh yeah, I got a great new barbecue: the Windsor-monic 2000. I wonder if they name it that because that's the one the Royal Family uses.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sure it is. That's actually the new postage stamp in England: Her Majesty with a pair of barbecue tongs and a sauce brush!
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, you sounded lonely, so I rented some movies.
Martin: Oh, didn't you know? The VCR's broken.
Dr. Niles Crane: No subtitles this time.
Martin: Oh, that's right, I got it fixed. What did you bring?
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, I have "The Way We Were" and a classic - "Casablanca"
Daphne: Oh, I just love that movie. Is there any more heartbreaking moment in all of film than when Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman to get on that plane with Victor Laszlo even though Bogey loves her? What an ending.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, there goes my need to finally see that one.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hmm. He cares deeply for her and yet he lets her go. I wonder why Bogey did that?
Dr. Niles Crane: Why don't we put the movie in and find out?
Daphne: Because Laszlo needed her by his side to fight the Nazis.
Martin: Oh, forget the Nazis. No man in his right mind would give up Ingrid Bergman.
Daphne: Oh, sure - sacrifice the entire free world for a little Swedish meatball.
Joy: Well, that was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And I used to wax Roseanne.
Daphne: The biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago and no one's even mentioned it.
Frasier: Oh, hey, Daph. My God, you look hideous.
Daphne: Thank you! Now I wouldn't normally wear polyester on the hottest day of the year, but some English friends of mine are having an Ugly American party in honor of the Fourth.
[masculine American accent]
Daphne: We're gonna toss back a couple a' cold brewskis, watch the ball game, and not use the metric system.
Frasier: Oh, good morning.
Daphne: Morning.
Martin: I didn't hear you come in last night. You have a date?
Daphne: [Frasier comes back from the kitchen holding up two mugs] Well, I guess that answers that.
Martin: Well, ease up there, Cassandra's a great gal - women like her don't come along every day.
Faye: [Faye enters, wearing the same blue robe Cassandra wore the previous day] Morning!
Daphne: No, they certainly don't!
Daphne: You've had your big conk in my business all day!
Sherry: That better mean "nose"!
Daphne: And what if it doesn't?
Niles: Can I be of any assistance in the kitchen?
Daphne: No, I have everything well in hand.
Niles: Ah well, lucky everything.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, look. Broken pieces of pottery.
Daphne: That's peanut brittle. I made it myself.
Alex: [Alice innocently defaced a painting by a famous artist for the party so Roz has taken it to have it fixed by an art restorer but Daphne has left the drape over the easel so Niles and the guests won't think anything is amiss] Is this the Mike Shaw painting?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
Alex: I'm dying to see it.
Daphne: Oh, oh sorry. No peeking. You have to wait until the unveiling.
Alex: [chuckling] That sounds like a challenge. You're gonna have to watch me like a hawk.
Daphne: Won't that be fun!
Daphne: [talking of cosmetic surgery] Oh, I know just what you mean, Dr. Crane. I fell victim to that pressure myself once. I had a mole removed.
Dr. Niles Crane: Where?
Daphne: Just south of Manchester.
Dr. Niles Crane: I meant where on your body.
Daphne: So did I.
Daphne: There is such a thing as sportsmanship.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, really? This coming from a woman who made armpit noises during my last round?
Daphne: Well I'm sure there are other intimacies you miss.
Niles: Well, actually I still have a longing for... I still have a desire for... er... Fruit?
Daphne: Sex!
Niles: Er, yes, sex.
Daphne: I'd love some. I mean fruit, although sex is good too.
Daphne: I guess he's got the fast food bug.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And which one would that be? E. coli?
Dr. Niles Crane: Now, keep an open mind. After all, we've embraced the peasant cuisine of Italy and France, why shun the peasants in our own back yard?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You've changed, Niles.
Daphne: He hasn't changed that much. He sent back his Big Slurp.
Daphne: [having been interrupted with Niles several times] Don't the doors in this bloody place lock?
Daphne: [Niles thinks Daphne's mother is dying] Have you heard the news?
Dr. Niles Crane: [hugs her] I just did, what can I say?
Daphne: Oh, I've thought about this day, ever since I was a little girl.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm sure you have.
Daphne: It's even better than I thought it would be!
[Niles, confused, comes out of the embrace]
Daphne: I can already picture the big day: beautiful flowers everywhere, a sea of smiling faces, and I suppose everyone will want to have their picture taken with the lady of the hour.
Daphne: Dr. Snow has a little saying: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained".
Frasier: She'd better copyright that before some unscrupulous hack steals it.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I know what you're going to do!
Niles: You do?
Daphne: Not you, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane! And you can't fire me, because I quit!
Frasier: What?
Daphne: After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison!
Joy: Are you saying you're running for city council? You don't know anything about politics.
Victoria: Well, what does Sonny Bono know? Clint Eastwood? The Schwarzenegger couldn't even pronounce the name of the state he was in.
Daphne: [holding three shopping bags] Could you give me a hand here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I would, except I've sprained my shoulder.
Martin: [pointing at his hip] Bullet in the hip.
Daphne: You still have one good arm, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, the doctor told me to take it easy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh! I met a girl today!
Daphne: Yeah. So did she.
[last lines]
Simon: You know, I never thought I'd say this, but... d'you want to go to bed, grandma?
Joy: I sure would, grandpa.
Simon: Worst dirty talk ever.
Joy: Oh, shut up and kiss me.
Melanie: What if he's missing me too and Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories he's flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is *our* meet on top of the Empire State Building moment?
Joy: Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?
Melanie: No! Yes. But I got it down to once a month.
Victoria: You know, I was up for a part in that movie.
Joy: Course you were.
Daphne: [looking at Martin's chair] Oh, look at that. It's like I always say. Start with a good piece, and replace the rest as you can afford it.
Joy: I keep telling you people never change. That's why, instead of confronting *my* mom, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.
Victoria: You don't seem that drunk.
Joy: Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.
Daphne: Oh I need a cup of tea.
Frasier: Tea! Why don't you just waive a crumpet in the air and start singing "God Save the Queen"!
Daphne: This whole thing reminds me of when I first moved to London. And I was very mistrusting of people back then. I was convinced, the way to stay out of harms way was to walk the streets with me eyes cast down, never meeting anyone's glance. But, finally, I decided, that was no way to live. So, one day I just lifted up me chin and took it all in. Well, the change was amazing. There were sights I've never seen, sounds I've never heard. A tiny old man came up to me with a note in his hand. He needed help. I took his note, read it, and to this day I can remember just what I said to that man. "That's not how you spell fellatio."
Frasier: I might as well say this while I can: "If you need me, I'll be at my club."
Daphne: Oh, yes. The club - the club that I helped you get into. Of course now that you're in, I'm just cast aside.
[forlorn voice]
Daphne: Unappreciated, unloved, and forgotten...
Frasier: Yes, well I see the prosciutto isn't the only imported ham in the house.
Daphne: Now, as far as the reception goes, I've narrowed it down to two places. I'm leaning towards "Captain Jonah's." The view of the water's lovely, but you have to walk through a whale's mouth to get inside.
Frasier: I hesitate to ask how you exit.
Daphne: [trying to solve the problem of a scratch on the floor] We could put a rug over it.
Frasier: A rug... where a rug doesn't belong. Why don't we just throw down a Twister mat and have a few rounds between vintages?
Joy: What am I missing?
Artie: Boobs.
Frasier: All right, all right, fine, it's like the Roman emperor Tiberius, his mother Livia, and his wife Vipsania.
Martin: What?
Sherry: Huh?
Daphne: Who?
Niles: Go on.
Martin: Hey, the gals in Pyong Chang used to think I was pretty damn cute.
Daphne: Yeah well, this is a bit different. You're not twenty-one and her village hasn't just burned down.
Martin: Oh, don't worry about it, Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Dr. Niles Crane: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Dr. Niles Crane: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Different list, Daph.
Daphne: Oh, I love nature's little aberrations: warm days in winter, four-leaf clovers, Australians...
Daphne: Well, good luck, Dr. Crane, with the fight.
Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. Any psychic predictions on the outcome?
Daphne: Actually, yes. But don't worry, I'm frequently wrong.
Melanie: Sean still not returning your texts?
Joy: He and Bob turn their phones off when they're watching Downton... or playing Half-Life, or going to baseball games. Their bromance is ruining my romance.
Elka: Bros before hos, Joy.
Melanie: Elka!
Elka: Did I say it wrong? They're the bros, she's the ho - no, that's right.
Martin: What happened to the store?
Wino: It moved.
Daphne: Do you know where?
Wino: Yeah but it's gonna cost you.
Martin: [reaching into his pocket for money] How much do you want?
Wino: I don't want money! I want a kiss!
Daphne: [disguisted] What?
Martin: You heard him!
Daphne: [disguisted again] Mr. Crane!
Martin: You heard him! You owe me! It's only a kiss!
Wino: Not her!
[smiles at Martin who runs and hides behind Daphne in disguist]
Daphne: So, what do I do?
Therapist: I'm sorry, our time is up.
[first lines]
Policeman: 'Kay, ladies, you see the perpetrator in this lineup?
Elka: Could number four take his shirt off?
Policeman: Why?
Elka: Why not? It's my tax dollars, right?
Melanie: It's number three.
Policeman: Number three step forward.
Victoria: He's the one.
Melanie: Definitely.
Joy: Dirty, rotten bastard.
Elka: Fine; he can take his shirt off too.
Daphne: Why are you being so weird? He seems perfect.
Roz: I don't know. Just wasn't what I was expecting. Something's missing.
Daphne: Like what?
Roz: I don't know. Well, at the mall he has all this warmth and he's got this jolly sense of humor. Oh, you should see him when he laughs, his whole stomach shakes.
Daphne: Oh, my God. You're in love with Santa Claus.
Roz: Give me a break.
Daphne: Admit it. You want the jelly belly.
Roz: Okay, don't be gross.
Daphne: You want to bang boots with the big boy.
Roz: I've got to get to work.
Daphne: You want to get your paws on the Claus is more like it.
Roz: Stop it Daphne! That's enough!
Daphne: One more: you're a Ho, Ho, Ho.
Daphne: [answering the phone] Crane residence. Oh, no, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone. May I take a message? Oh, nice language, that! I hope you don't eat with that mouth.
Dr. Niles Crane: Daphne... Daphne, excuse me.
[Niles takes the phone]
Dr. Niles Crane: Now see here, how dare you speak to a lady that way! Yes, well, that's no excuse, ma'am. Oh! Only a coward makes threats over the phone. I dare you to come here and say that to my face!
[sardonic chuckle]
Dr. Niles Crane: Never you mind where I live.
[Niles hangs up]
Daphne: Mr. Crane. How was work today?
Martin: Same old, same old. Boy, I'm beat. Eight hours of staring at those monitors can really wear you out.
[turns on the TV]
Melanie: Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!
Joy: You're kidding.
Elka: You all have birthdays on the same day?
Victoria: No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...
Melanie: Depressing, scary...
Joy: Drunk and hazy...
Victoria: We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.
Joy: It works great; I really don't know how old I am.
Frasier: Nanette!
Nanny: God, I could throw you down on this floor right now and...
[sees the rest]
Nanny: Hi!
Frasier: Here, let me take your wrap...
Daphne: [aside to Martin] Isn't she the children's entertainer?
Martin: Yeah, SpongeBob Hotpants.
Roz: Would you date a gynecologist?
Daphne: Oh God no. I wouldn't even date a dentist - hands in people's mouths all day - and after watching Eddie's complete physical, I'm not eager to date a vet anytime soon either.
Daphne: [fuming at Gertrude's behavior] I'm so mad I could break something,
[pounds the exercise table]
Daphne: Are you ready, Martin?
Martin: ...Let's give it a few minutes.
Daphne: I don't know why I'm being so silly. We weren't together long enough for anything to really happen.
Niles: Sometimes the strongest feelings come from the promise of what might happen. Just the anticipation is just enough to make all the little hairs on your neck stand on end.
[smooths down the hairs on the back of his neck]
Frasier: I plan to go running just after I finish my obituary.
[Daphne looks at him askance]
Frasier: It's a self- actualizing exercise. You write your obituary the way you'd like it to appear - years from now, of course - and then it helps you to focus your goals. Here they are, all my hopes and dreams.
Daphne: [reads] These are dreams, all right. "Dr. Crane came late to athletics, he became a fixture in the Seattle marathon, the America's Cup yacht race, as well as the Kentucky Derby."
[laughs]
Daphne: A jockey at your size? You better start writing an obituary for the horse!
Daphne: Well, nothing bad would have happened if you'd paid attention to my premonition!
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, actually, nothing bad would have happened if you hadn't shown up.
Daphne: Well, it wouldn't have not happened had I not shown up.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, it wouldn't not have happened if you hadn't not shown up!
Daphne: And I wouldn't have shown up had I not known that you wouldn't have been able to not come down here!
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, I'm not... not... not... what?
Daphne: My point exactly! You don't listen.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Are you seriously going to dump Donny because of some psychic vision, don't you think that's a little unwise?
Daphne: Well, your brother didn't think so.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles knows about this?
Daphne: Yes, he helped me to see that ending things with Donny was my only choice. Unlike you, he believes in my visions; he knows I have a gift.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [She storms to her room] Yes, he's been trying to unwrap it for six years!
Frasier: You know, frankly, I'm terribly upset about this. You know, I think we'll go down there and join that rally.
Roz: Good for you, Frasier.
Frasier: I refuse to stand idly by while some fat-cat bully rides roughshod over the little people.
Daphne: I don't want to go to a rally!
Frasier: Oh, tough luck - you're the chauffeur!
Niles: Sometimes I think this is too much space for just one person.
[pause]
Niles: You know...
Daphne: Yes?
Niles: You could live here.
Daphne: Are you asking me?
Niles: Would you like to?
Daphne: Would you like me to?
Niles: Yeah.
Daphne: Then, I will.
Niles: 'Kay.
[pause]
Niles: Wow!
[both begin giggling giddily]
Daphne: Do you know how many operas I'm gonna get dragged to now that you're not around?
Frasier: Well, I promise I'll fly up for all the German ones!
Daphne: Dr Crane, you shouldn't say such things.
Niles: It's the truth. Lord knows, I have tried to deny it - tried to pretend that I'm over you - but not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. Your smile, your beautiful eyes, what it would be like to hold your hands and ask you the question I never dared ask...
Donny: [suddenly bursting in the room] What's the difference between a blister and a boil?
Daphne: [Simon bursts into the hotel room, interrupting an intense conversation between Niles and Daphne] Simon, how did you get in here?
Simon: Frasier loaned me his key, in a manner of speaking. I have to get some things out of the mini bar. I don't want to get caught empty-handed when last call comes.
[looks at Daphne and Niles]
Simon: You're not having a last call of your own in here, are you Stilts?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Here we are.
[hands Daphne a pint]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You make a toast.
Daphne: I don't want you coming down here ever again.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I guess "here's mud in your eye" sounded mean the first time too.
Daphne: Well, look at you all dressed up.
Frasier: Yes, it's a new suit. Yes, I'm meeting a woman. And yes, it has been a while.
Daphne: Thanks, that reminds me. I have to order my cards.
Daphne: I am so soaked, my dress is pasted right onto me. It's a good thing I had this coat in the trunk.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, that was lucky. Let me take it for you.
[Frasier has just persuaded Niles to decline Maris' invitation]
Niles: Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. It's not going to be easy, though.
Frasier: Of course not. Just don't think about sex.
[from the kitchen, making breakfast]
Daphne: Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: [Niles's hands rattle, and Frasier grabs them] Grandma in a teddy.
Niles: Thank you.
Martin: [to Eddie] Hey, how ya doin', boy? Yeah, glad to see you too.
Frasier: [to Martin] So. How was your exam today?
Martin: Oh, you know. Everything's pretty routine
Frasier: EKG?
Martin: Perfect.
Niles: Blood pressure?
Martin: Textbook.
Frasier: Hope they took a full blood panel.
Martin: Oh, yeah. Told them to take two. They're small.
Daphne: Ooh, let's have a look.
[Martin rolls up his sleeve]
Daphne: Ooh, look at this. A nice, big Band-Aid. Nice try!
[Daphne rips the band-aid off his arm]
Martin: Ouch! What did you do that for?
Daphne: Dr. Jennings's office called to reschedule your appointment. You never showed up today.
Niles: Dad, this is ludicrous. Why do you keep avoiding the doctor?
Martin: Because I feel fine. I'll go to the doctor when I don't feel fine. Besides, I don't like Dr. Jennings. He's got a model of a colon on his desk, he keeps his tongue depressors in it.
Frasier: Well, all right Dad, fine. If you don't like him, why don't you go to see my doctor, she's one of the finest gastroenterologists in this city.
Martin: She? Oh ho ho, no no. No way. If a doctor's gonna have me bend over, I want to look through my legs and see wingtips.
Daphne: Now now, we'll have none of that. We women have been poked and prodded my male doctors for centuries. I say it's high time you gents went to see a doctor of the opposite sex. See how you like waiting in that room, sitting there all naked and helpless and goosebumpy.
Frasier: Niles, surely you could recommend someone?
[Niles doesn't say anything and merely stares at Daphne]
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else. OH! I know who you should see - Dr. Gary Newman. His office is in my building, he has a very successful practice, I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.
Frasier: Ooh, Lichtenstein. He sounds perfect
Martin: Alright, alright. I'll make an appointment, I'll go see him
Frasier: [to Martin] Oh, now just hang on a second there, mister. I will make the arrangements and I will escort you personally.
Martin: Wonderful. I can't wait.
Daphne: [to Martin in a conspiratorial tone] Someone followed me again last night.
Martin: Ah, you're just being paranoid.
Daphne: I'm telling you, they're onto me.
Martin: Come on. Nobody could recognize you after all that plastic surgery.
[the woman on the elevator with Martin and Daphne becomes alarmed at this]
Daphne: That's what Marlena thought.
Martin: Marlena got sloppy. She never should have gone back to Zurich.
Daphne: I just don't want any more bloodshed.
Martin: Relax. You're home free.
Daphne: You don't know the Woodchuck and his ways.
[the elevator doors open and the woman rushes out in fear. Martin and Daphne start laughing]
Daphne: Oh, we're terrible!
Martin: We are? You are! "The Woodchuck and his ways"?
Daphne: You know, we really should stop doing this. It's not nice.
Martin: Ah, you're right. We won't do it anymore.
Eric: I don't suppose you'd be interested in something robust - if it didn't come on too strong.
Daphne: Well, if it was a little bit sweet, I might take a liking to it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [as the group embarks on a game of Pictionary] Daphne, what do you say you draw first?
Daphne: Ooh, all right.
[seeing the clue]
Daphne: Oh, boy.
Martin: Ready... set, go.
[Daphne draws a simple circle]
Dr. Niles Crane: The Ring of the Nibelungen.
Daphne: Right!
Daphne: Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.
Cam: My mother's a vet and she happens to be staying with me. I'm sure she wouldn't mind taking a look... even if it is Frasier's dog.
Martin: He's mine. Frasier can't stand him.
Daphne: When he's healthy he jumps on Dr. Crane's bed, drools on his pillow, chews on his slippers...
Cam: Really? We've got to get this little rascal back on his feet!
Martin: [Daphne's embarrassing him in front of his poker buddies] Daph, don't you have a dog to go wash?
Daphne: Oh yeah I suppose so. Of course it'd be easier if I could actually catch the thing.
[picks up a can of beer]
Daphne: Maybe one of these will help.
Jimmy: Hey, beer's not good for dogs.
Daphne: No, but it's super for me.
Frasier: So you're suggesting that I go along, pretend I'm enjoying myself doing something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all, just to hear the words "I love you"?
Daphne: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.
Daphne: [to Clive] Really, we're not the awful people you think we are.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, the truth is we've been lying to you all night!
Daphne: I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong.
Frasier: You don't understand. It's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard. Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense.
Daphne: I think you look particularly lovely tonight. There's a real glow about you.
Roz: Oh no! Oh God, not a glow!
[calms down]
Roz: I'm sorry, I'm just a little jumpy. I had... kind of an accident, and I just haven't found out what the damage is yet. Actually, I need to check my machine. Do you know where a phone is?
Daphne: Yeah, there's one at the top of the stairs.
Roz: Thank you.
Daphne: Try not to worry. A few years back, I got rear-ended. Is that what happened to you?
Roz: Not exactly.
Niles: [has just found out that Daphne is in love with him] I was just talking to Frasier about a conversation you two had.
Daphne: Oh, dear!
Niles: No, no. Don't get upset.
Daphne: I specifically asked him not to say anything. What was he thinking?
Niles: No, I'm glad he told me.
Daphne: Oh, yes! So we can have a big talk about it! That's what you psychiatrists always do, drag everything out into the open so we can work through it. No matter how awkward it might be. Well, I just don't see the point!
Niles: No, Daphne, I'm glad he told me - because I love you.
Daphne: [realizing they overslept] You promised me once we did the deed that you'd be on your merry way.
Joe: [smiling] I was.
Daphne: So I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
Niles: [quickly] No, I haven't.
Daphne: Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone... delivering a baby in a taxi.
Niles: Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.
Frasier: Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
Martin: What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute, it's just this blob in some lady's stomach. Next minute, it's a person. Blob...
[snaps his fingers]
Martin: ...person.
Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.
[first lines]
Joy: [plumping a cushion] Simon is going to be here any minute, and these pillows are flat!
Elka: Well, if he's turned off by flat things...
Melanie: [warningly] Elka, not today. She's very nervous. Joy, honey, you have got to calm down.
Joy: I can't. I'm nervous enough that Simon's coming to see me, but he's also meeting his son and his grandson for the first time. I know it's silly of me to hope, but what if it all works out? We could be a real family. Maybe even a perfect family.
Melanie: Well, no family is perfect.
Joy: We'll be. Caroling on Christmas Eve in our matching sweaters. People will look at us and say, "Why can't we be happy like them?" And we'll smile as the spirit of Christmas is replaced by envy in their hearts.
Elka: And I thought Melanie was the one with the brain tumor.
Martin: All right. Okay.
[reading to Daphne]
Martin: With a gasp of dismay, she ran to him, her amethyst eyes wide with alarm. 'You fool,' she hissed, 'Suppose someone saw you. The Duke's men are everywhere'.
[looks up]
Martin: Hey, this isn't so bad.
Daphne: I told you.
Martin: [reading again] 'You fool,' she whispered again, 'You sweet, brave, wonderful fool. I should have died had you not found my bedchamber.'
[suddenly embarrassed]
Martin: Oh, Geez!
[reads]
Martin: Then she was in his arms and all her qualms forgotten as she tore his tunic asunder and thrust her eager lips against the sinews of his naked chest.
[He looks over to Daphne who seems to be asleep. He turns some pages and starts reading again]
Martin: The next morning...
Daphne: You left out a section!
Martin: Okay, okay!
[goes back, reads]
Martin: As his brazen fingers peeled the silken fabric from her heaving...
[coughs the word bosom out as he turns red]
Martin: ... he beheld her quivering alabaster mounds.
[takes a huge gulp of his beer to wet his suddenly dry throat]
Martin: At that moment she felt the proof of his rampant passion...
[he sweeps his forehead of sweat]
Martin: against her milky thighs. His almost God-like beauty was marred only...
[he looks over to a sleeping Daphne]
Martin: ... by the fact that he was...
[closes book]
Martin: cross-eyed, three feet tall and had breath like owl droppings!
Daphne: [with the box of puppies] Oh, couldn't you just eat them up!
Frasier: For God sakes, don't love them! They'll think they're staying!
Daphne: [walking in] There you are. I've been up and down Third Street looking for you.
Martin: Oh, I was on Fourth Street, Eddie had already smelled everything on Third. How did you know I was coming back here anyway?
Daphne: I had one of my psychic flashes. Bang, there you were, walking through the door of Café Nervosa. And there you were, apologizing for the way you've treated me this past week.
Martin: Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Daphne. Just forget about it, all right?
Daphne: And something about a raise...
Martin: You're winging it now, aren't you?
Daphne: Am I that transparent?
Martin: No, I'm psychic.
Daphne: You know, my uncle was a political writer for one of those London tabloids. I can still remember his biggest scoop. The headline read: "High-ranking politician caught wearing women's clothing." Of course, you turn to page 2 and you found out it was Margaret Thatcher, but by then you'd already bought the paper.
Niles: [Niles has told Daphne that he loves her] Lovely night, isn't it? Stars are out, nice breeze... mmm, night-blooming jasmine. Of course, there's the beautiful girl.
Daphne: Dr Crane, I still haven't answered your question.
Niles: Yes, I know, that's why I keep talking. In case I don't get the answer I want, I can at least make this moment last a little longer. I'm not sure if it's jasmine or orange blossom. You know, a lot of times...
Daphne: [interrupting him] Oh, for God's sake, Dr Crane!
[kisses him]
Niles: I think you can call me Niles now.
Niles: I was in the middle of my workout, but, I can always pump iron later.
Daphne: Well, I'll just pop into the kitchen and fix us a snack.
[she exits]
Frasier: Pump iron? Niles, you don't even pump your own gas.
Tom: You know, I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful evening.
Daphne: Oh no, we should be thanking you. I can't remember when I've laughed so hard.
[From inside the apartment they suddenly hear Martin roaring with laughter]
Elka: There's your professor, Joy.
Joy: So deep and sophisticated. It's like the Leonard Cohen song: he wants to touch my perfect body with his mind.
Mamie: I'd like to touch his perfect body with my hand.
[Elka stares at her]
Mamie: This may not be my first drink.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Frank injured himself on our hike, so I've got Charlotte all to myself this evening. I'm not going to waste this opportunity. I'm going to make her a romantic dinner and then tell her how I feel about her.
Martin: Wow, really?
Dr. Niles Crane: Are you sure she's ready for that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I don't know, but I can't stand this ridiculous threesome anymore. You know, the worst part is how completely unthreatening Frank finds me. As if I'm some sort of a harem eunuch.
Daphne: How'd he hurt himself, anyway?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, he strained his back carrying me over a brook.
Daphne: Isn't Rodney just great? You know, I think it was the moment I broke up with Joe that I heard a voice saying, "Daphne, it's time you went for a completely new type of man."
Niles: [Daphne leaves. Niles grabs a spatula] You're a dead man!
[lunges at Frasier and is blocked by Martin]
Frasier: Let's serve our guests their coffee!
[Frasier and Martin carry cups of coffee out to the living room]
Frasier: Here we are, coffee. Milk's on its way; Niles is still steaming.
Daphne: [to Martin, who has just entered the living room] Oh, don't you look nice.
Martin: Yeah, Frasier wanted me dressed up for this mystery lunch of his.
Daphne: He hasn't told you what the occasion is either?
Martin: No, but I'm sure it's something very important. I'm sure he wants to unveil his new antique Elizabethan egg timer.
Daphne: [laughs] Or debut his pre-Columbian spoon rest.
Frasier: Well, we'll, er, we'll be calling you, Miss Moon.
Martin: Oh, why wait?
[to Daphne]
Martin: You've got the job!
Daphne: Oh, wonderful!
Frasier: [to Martin] Excuse me, excuse me, aren't you just forgetting a little something here? Don't you think we should talk about this in private?
Daphne: Oh, of course you should; I completely understand.
[she stands up and shoulders her bag]
Daphne: I'll just pop into the loo - you do have one, don't you?
Frasier: [pointing to the powder room] Yes.
Daphne: Oh, I love America.
Martin: We call him Eddie Spaghetti.
Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?
Martin: No, he has worms.
Daphne: Wait a minute! I'm getting something on you - you're a florist!
Frasier: No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Daphne: Oh, well, it comes and goes. Usually it's strongest around my time of the month... so I guess I let a little secret out there.
Frasier: It's safe with us. Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned everything we need to about you, and a dash extra!
Daphne: [turning to Eddie] You're a dog, aren't you?
Daphne: Remind me again. Which one of Kyle's eyes is really looking at me?
Dr. Frasier Crane: The brown one.
Roz: Okay, table four wants to make some changes: they want the Sole Veronica without the grapes,
[Daphne begins flicking off the grapes]
Roz: spinach instead of broccoli and risotto instead of pasta. They also want the swordfish but hold the capers.
Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes, can't you just tell them no substitutions?
Roz: I have trouble saying no.
Niles: So the guidebooks tell us.
Roz: You want to get thrown in the tank with the rest of the eels?
Daphne: Well, you're not making this very easy. You waltz in here, queen of the waitresses, la-di-da, extra broccoli, hold the capers, and then you go back out on the fun side of the door.
Roz: You want to trade places with me, Mary Poppins? Be my guest!
[sitting in a vibrating massage chair]
Daphne: Hello! Ohh... ohh... ohh... this is enough to make me give up my search for a meaningful relationship.
Reverend: You did drop a rather large bombshell.
Philipa: Please! I lived through the blitz. Bombshells were dropping everywhere, people dying. Did anyone die today?
Joy: Not yet.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, Daphne! Tell us, do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
Daphne: That's it! I'm getting my door soundproofed.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
Frasier: Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that makes life so rich... and psychiatrists richer.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, it's funny, as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.
Dr. Niles Crane: I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot! What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in a more submissive role.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What on God's earth are you talking about?
Daphne: I think what he means is - you're the girl!
[while zipping up the back of Daphne's dress, Niles gets his tie caught in the zipper; Frasier walks in on them as he has his head bowed behind her]
Frasier: Niles, there's something on your tie.
Daphne: Dr. Crane was helping me with my dress, and now he's caught.
Frasier: Yes, he is.
Daphne: You get rid of her now, or it's Rattlesnake Ridge for you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You wouldn't!
Daphne: Oh, wouldn't I? And by the way, Stinky needs a ride.
[Frasier gasps]
[Martin, Frasier, and Niles are excited to attend "The Antiques Roadshow"'s appearance in Seattle]
Martin: Yeah, I'm going to go and have a little root around in our closet. I bet I can find a nice little objet d'art they'd be interested in.
[He exits, leaving Frasier and Niles stunned by his correct French pronunciation]
Dr. Niles Crane: It's as if that panhandler I gave money to was a genie granting all my wishes.
Daphne: Would you marry me in this?
[Daphne enters wearing Donny's mother's wedding dress, which looks like it belongs on a go-go dancer. Niles nearly faints]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [whispers] How much did you give him?
Daphne: Am I glad you're home.
Martin: What's wrong?
Daphne: Dr. Crane! Ever since he came back from his job interview he seemed awfully depressed. In fact, he's as bad as I've ever seen him!
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, I guess it didn't go well.
Daphne: I gather not. He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's Second Symphony.
Dr. Niles Crane: [alarmed] And you left him alone?
Daphne: They put his picture on the wall and he thinks his forehead looks a touch too big.
Dr. Frasier Crane: A touch? I look like a fugitive from Easter Island!
[first lines]
Melanie: You guys, the strangest thing just happened to me; I had a conversation... with a neighbor.
Joy: Wow! I never even saw my neighbors in L.A. Except during earthquakes.
Victoria: Yeah, sometimes we'd pull into our driveways at the same time and, as our electronic gates were opening, I'd think: "I don't even know their names, and they don't know mine." And the world was good.
Melanie: Well, *that* was the L.A. us; here in Cleveland we're going to get to know our neighbors. In fact, I'm throwing a party. Tomorrow. Look at me being all spontaneous.
[after Niles introduces his dog, clearly a canine substitute for Maris]
Daphne: Am I the only one?
Dr. Frasier Crane,128858: No.
Daphne: Does Dr. Crane have any idea...?
Dr. Frasier Crane,128858: No.
Roz: Can I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel?
Mel: Not for me. It's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think?
Roz: Not anymore.
[Roz takes the glass for herself instead as she sits in Martin's recliner]
Mel: Niles, let's get this gravlax in the refrigerator.
[notices Eddie has his head in the bag]
Mel: Oh, hello, Eddie. Or should I say goodbye?
Martin: Huh?
Mel: Well, Martin, I'm sure you'll be locking Eddie out on the balcony if people are going to be eating here.
[Mel follows Niles into the kitchen]
Martin: Well, I'll tell you who I'd like to lock out on the balcony...
Roz: Oh please, let it be me!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, now, may I remind you that we're having this little brunch in order to get acquainted with Mel. We owe it to Niles to give her a chance.
Daphne: [pouring herself a Bloody Mary] I agree with Dr. Crane, we should all have another Bloody Mary.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I didn't say that!
Daphne: It was implied.
Joy: I don't care how hot he is, I could never date a do-gooder. They're always so into nature. And eventually that leads to camping. And the next thing you know you're doing that walk of shame into the woods with a rough brown roll of eco-friendly Toilet paper.
Martin: Hey, Fras.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hi, Dad.
Martin: Look, I got some bad news. I guess there isn't a good way to tell you something like this. Your god-uncle died.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [confused] My... god-uncle?
[Martin nods]
Dr. Frasier Crane: There's no such thing as a god-uncle.
Martin: Yes there is! It's your godfather's brother. You remember your god-uncle Charlie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No! I barely even remember my godfather, he died twenty years ago.
Martin: Oh, yeah? Well now his brother's dead too, so shake a leg! The wake's in twenty minutes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, you know as much as I'd like to pay my respects, catch up with my god-cousins and meet the god-neighbors, I have some urgent business that just can't wait until later.
Daphne: [Daphne comes in with a bowl] All right, here's your popcorn... and the remote. There, enjoy your show.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Martin gives him a sour look] Oh, all right! One hour! I don't even know why I'm going. The man was a ghoul, he used to hide his glass eye in my marble bag!
Martin: I knew you remembered him!
Niles: Daphne? I want to apologize for the other night. I was rude, and disrespectful, and I'm sorry I hurt you.
Daphne: Apology accepted. Oh, come here.
[they hug]
Niles: Thank you.
Daphne: You know, I was just about to make myself some dinner. Would you like to join me?
Niles: I would love that.
[Daphne heads for the kitchen]
Niles: Actually, wait, Daphne? I'm going to pass on dinner.
Daphne: Oh, it's no trouble.
Niles: Oh, I know that, it's just that... I don't really care for your cooking.
Daphne: [dumbfounded] What?
[Frasier and Martin come in from the bedrooms]
Niles: Well, you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're not very good at cooking. At all. Bad, BAD cook!
Martin: [to Frasier, whispering] What the hell is he doing?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [intentionally interrupting] Uh... Well, we're off.
[Frasier and Martin head to the door with their coats]
Martin: [to Niles] God bless you, son!
[Frasier and Martin head out. Before Frasier closes the door, Niles gives him a thumbs up]
Niles: [to Daphne] You okay?
Daphne: How could I be after that horrible thing you just said to me?
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I just want to show you I see you the way you really are.
Daphne: And who I am is a bad cook, is that what you're saying?
Niles: No, that's not fair. I, I thought this was what you wanted.
Daphne: Well it still hurts. I have feelings, you know. I thought you loved my cooking. Well, you certainly could have handled this better.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Just like Dr. Barton, you bade farewell to the comforts of hearth and home and filled your sails with the winds of change and adventure.
Daphne: Well I never looked at it that way. Now I'll have something to think about this afternoon when I'm rubbing your dad's bum.
Niles: I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris' luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Where's Simon?
Daphne: I think he's out with Mr. Crane again. They seem to have taken quite a shine to each other. Simon's introduced him to rugby.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I really must thank him for that! After all, poor Dad, before he came, had no sport to watch between the hours of two and six AM! Did you happen to see the kitchen this morning?
Daphne: Yes, I guess they got some take-out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It looked like a Kung Pao bomb went off! I still have moo shoo stuck in the tread of my driving Moccasins!
Daphne: [to Frasier] Oh, say your worst. We both know there isn't as much dignity in this entire country as our Queen's got in her little finger.
[Last lines. Niles answers his door to find Daphne, his fiancee]
Daphne: I want to marry you!
Dr. Niles Crane: [smiles, surprised] I want to marry *you!*
Daphne: No, I want to marry you *now!*
Dr. Niles Crane: As in... *now?*
Daphne: Yes.
Dr. Niles Crane: Why?
Daphne: Why? Because you'd do anything, even put up with my insane family, to make me happy. Because you'd travel halfway around the world to make my dreams come true, even the impossible ones. And because I can't spend one more minute without being your wife, Niles Crane. Because I adore you.
Dr. Niles Crane: But... I thought you always wanted a big wedding.
Daphne: Do you want to make my dreams come true? *This* is my dream.
[Niles gets his coat. They leave together]
Joy: What's happening now?
Victoria: Oh, she's making some sappy speech, and he's overplaying it like crazy. Like one of those warm moments on 'Glee'.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, splendid idea, Roz, Bloody Marys. You know, why don't you offer one of those to Claire?
Martin: Oh, I don't think she's got time.
Daphne: I'll ask her. Mrs. Wojadubakowski, Mr. Crane was wondering if you had time for a quick one.
News: After checking into the hospital with what appeared to be minor injuries from a fender-bender, radio psychiatrist Frasier Crane died suddenly today. I'm sure it goes for all of us here at KYLL when I say he'll be sorely missed.
[cheerful]
News: But this rain won't be missed, will it, Flip?
[Frasier, Martin, and Daphne watch in disbelief]
Frasier: Dear God!
Martin: What the hell?
Daphne: That's unbelievable!
Niles: Outrageous!
[after Martin brings Eddie in from a fight with another dog, Frasier enters the living room]
Frasier: What's all this?
Daphne: Eddie was viciously attacked.
Frasier: Oh. Is that coffee cake I smell?
Daphne: I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane. He's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
Roz: Yeah, why confuse things?
Elka: I'll be fine after a 24-hour bender. Benders fix everything... except quitting alcohol.
Joy: So, how far in are you.
Elka: Uh, 8 hours, maybe 20. My watch might be upside down.
Daphne: Does he ask permission first? Oh no, he just barges in and says he's set me up with God-knows-who, and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella.
Frasier: Will you please relax? Look, I told you, this is not a set-up. Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.
Daphne: Oh, an ambush then. Much nicer! My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time. And it was always some gangly bounder with a boarding-house reach. And he wasn't going for the Coleman's Hot Mustard, if you know what I mean.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry I ruined our evening.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, you did nothing of the sort.
Daphne: I don't know what I did to deserve you.
Dr. Niles Crane: You kidding? I got the better end of this deal.
Daphne: Oh, yeah, look at me: nose running, hair a mess, I must look a real fright.
[last lines]
Joy: Just how unflattering was Gwyneth's bathing suit?
Simon: Hideous. Flattened her breasts and gave her back fat.
Joy: Ah! yes!
Niles: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
Daphne: When I was in school, I knew a boy named Niles, and I called him Niley.
Niles: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
Elka: [to Victoria's selfish whining while Elka is in jail] Oh, you gotta front up and bug down, bitch!... It's prison slang.
Joy: You've been here three hours.
Elka: The joint changes you. I also know how to kill somebody with a toothbrush.
Daphne: [coming out from her bedroom dressed in a robe] Hello, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, hello, Daphne. Looking very... comfortable for afternoon.
Daphne: I just love days like this... nowhere to go, nothing to do... though I have this sneaking suspicion I've forgotten something.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Like getting dressed?
Daphne: [looking out the window] Oh, I could watch the rain for hours. Of course, when I was a little girl, I hated the rain. Stuck inside, couldn't go out and play. But my mum always said, "enjoy it while you can, there'll be no water in hell." Of course, that was her answer for everything. "Eat your veggies, there'll be no Brussels sprouts in hell... have a lie-down, there'll be no naps in hell..."
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, you know I am a therapist, if you'd like to talk about this sometime.
Daphne: About what?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Nothing.
Daphne: I wish I could remember what it is I forgot to do. Oh well, you know what they say - if you can't remember, it probably wasn't important anyway.
[at that moment, a furious Martin comes in, soaking wet from the rain]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad!
Daphne: [realizing] Oh no!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [getting up from the piano stool] You are dripping!
Martin: Yeah, that's what'll happen when you're standing out on the corner waiting for your ride!
Daphne: Mr. Crane, I am so sorry!
Daphne: What the hell were you thinking?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Venting these emotions is all well and good, Dad, but I just had these floors waxed!
[Frasier takes Martin's coat and hands him a towel, rushes to lay down a newspaper]
Martin: [to Daphne] I said four o'clock on the corner of Second and Bell.
Daphne: Well, you should have called me!
Martin: Well, I was afraid if I went looking for a phone I'd miss you!
Roz: Let's just go on to my next idea. Daphne? OK, you be the girlfriend of a couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. Niles, will you be her boyfriend?
Niles: [quickly] Yes.
Roz: OK.
[starts tape]
Roz: I'm here with Fred and Patty. Tell me, you two, what made you think that your sex life needs a little jump start?
Daphne: It's all his fault. He just seems to have lost interest in me. I've done everything I can to entice him. I've served dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron; I've called him at the office and talked dirty; and last night when he came home I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy! But did he care? No!
Roz: And none of this turns you on, Fred?
Roz: [Niles doesn't answer. He just stares into space, imagining it all. Roz gets impatient] Fred?
Niles: [snaps out of it] That's nothing, you should hear the other things that don't turn me on! Tell me about it, Patty.
[the phone rings, Daphne answers]
Daphne: Hello? Yes, who's calling, please...? Wiwif? Anyone here know a Wiwif?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Lilith!
[Daphne comes home and is furious to see Frasier opening her letter to her mother in Manchester]
Frasier: You don't understand. I just wanted to...
Daphne: You just wanted to find out if I was gossiping about you to my mum. Well, fine! I was. A seventy-three year old woman in Manchester is about to find out that you dye the grey out of your temples. There, you happy?
Frasier: No, I am not happy, I am mortified!
[He looks down in shame... then raises his head]
Frasier: How did you know that? I keep my hair dye in the false bottom of my cuff-link box.
Daphne: Yeah, well... I'll let it go this time.
[She flees to her bedroom]
Frasier: Oh, we haven't got time for this! We've to get down to that party!
Niles: I knew you were dyeing your hair.
Frasier: Shut up.
Niles: "No, no, really, it's just my new conditioner."
Frasier: Shut up!
[last lines]
Joy: The police will be here soon.
Elka: We'll be home in time to watch 'Family Feud'.
Mamie: Steve Harvey is the best game show host!
Elka: The best.
Narrator: Really? Isn't that a little bit like saying Cloris Leachman was the best actress on 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show'?
Elka: We never saw that show.
Narrator: Well, America won't get a chance to see the Soul Man if we don't wrap things up here, so why don't we all just take a bow right now?
Daphne: I can't believe this is really happening. I mean, maybe I'm naive, but I always thought love would save the day.
Harry: Well, you know, we all think that when we're young. But then life beats us around a bit and you learn to dream a little smaller.
Daphne: So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
Harry: But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person.
Daphne: You barely know him.
Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make *you* happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing.
[rubs his fingers together]
Harry: He's worth a bob or two.
Joy: That was beautiful, Elka. My film's got everything those Oscar winners have: craggy-looking old people talking about Nazis. I'm a shoo-in to get that A.
Elka: Not so fast. I want to interview you for my film.
Joy: Really. But my story can't possibly be as interesting as yours.
Elka: Oh, don't put yourself down, Joy. That's my job.
Daphne: I'm sorry I snapped at you.
Niles: Did you snap at me? I didn't notice.
Daphne: That's because you don't listen.
Daphne: I hope some day some man will feel that way about me.
Niles: Oh, Daphne, don't worry. You are a very special person, and some day a man worthy of you will come along... just as soon as the gods create him.
[first lines]
Melanie: Airplane mirrors aren't accurate, are they?
Joy: Of course not.
Victoria: They get them from fun houses.
[Frasier's upstairs neighbor is playing his own loud rock music]
Frasier: How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a penthouse?
Daphne: His last album sold five million copies.
Frasier: I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.
Victoria: I just need time to think. Oh, if only there were a hideout I could go to where the police couldn't find me.
Melanie: If only someone among us had a criminal past.
Victoria: And was once married to the mob.
Joy: And is right here. And old enough to remember where she was when Caesar was assassinated.
Daphne: Well, I'm off to my poker game.
[to Niles]
Daphne: It was nice seeing you again, Dr. Crane...
[They shake hands but Daphne holds on for a moment]
Daphne: Oh, wait a minute! I'm getting something on you...
[Niles looks at Frasier, confused]
Frasier: [explaining] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
[Niles looks back at Daphne]
Daphne: You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you?
Niles: Yes!
[Satisfied, Daphne lets go of his hand and goes to the door as Niles watches her, almost in awe]
Niles: Frasier... she's phenomenal!
Daphne: [at the door] It's a gift. Well, cheerio!
Niles: Ta-ta!
[Daphne exits]
Frasier: Niles, you've never had colitis a day in your life!
Niles: I know, but I couldn't bear to disappoint her...
Melanie: Maybe it is to soon for me to start dating.
Joy: That's ridiculous. You like him and he likes you; you're already ahead of most of my relationships.
Frasier: I was elected by the employees to present our demands to Kate.
Daphne: Well, that was a smart move. Did you give her a good tongue lashing?
Frasier: In a manner of speaking, yes.
[Martin has just returned with Daphne, having bailed her from jail]
Frasier: Daphne! Daphne, it's so good to have you home, safe and sound.
Daphne: Sod off.
Martin: She's a little mad at ya.
Frasier: Yes, thank you, Dad.
Frasier: Daphne, I am so sorry. I feel just terrible.
Daphne: As you should. You left me handcuffed and helpless.
Dr. Niles Crane: If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me.
[a look of innocent confusion from Daphne and eye-rolling from Frasier]
Dr. Niles Crane: ...for help.
[Niles lets Daphne try on a necklace he bought for Maris, but it falls down the front of her blouse; Frasier enters]
Frasier: Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?
Niles: I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it for her birthday.
Frasier: Emeralds? Well, may I see it?
Niles: Not at the moment, no.
Frasier: Why not?
Daphne: It's down my blouse.
Frasier: I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.
Joy: [Melanie has agreed to go out with Anders] We're screwed.
Victoria: Screwed, stewed and tattooed. From a Tennessee Williams play. I played Esmeralda in summer stock.
Joy: You know, I didn't think you'd be able to make this about yourself. I underestimated you.
Joy: [about Anders] He breaks up with his bimbo, then comes running back to Melanie; that's just morally wrong. I say we kill him!
Joy: We can't do anything now; I mean we're in girl-friend purgatory. If we tell her to dump him and they end up getting re-married, then we're screwed. But if we don't say anything and he ends up breaking her heart again, we're screwed.
Gertrude: [from the living room] I'm still waiting out here!
[Irritably, Daphne pokes her head out of the kitchen]
Daphne: It's coming! Pipe down!
Gertrude: Why? Am I interrupting your dirty sex?
[Daphne opens the door to Roz and Alice]
Roz: Hey, Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?
Roz: We're borrowing Frasier's car.
Daphne: Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.
Sally: So, how 'bout you? How'd you do with the fireman?
Joy: We have a date.
Sally: I give it six months.
Sally: [ecstatic] Really?
Daphne: I know you're angry, but please say something.
Dr. Niles Crane: Angry doesn't begin to describe it.
Daphne: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: You have violated this person's privacy. If she found out, I... they could suspend my license.
Daphne: I am so sorry.
Dr. Niles Crane: And you don't trust me. How could you possibly think there could be somebody else?
Daphne: Because I was "somebody else".
Dr. Niles Crane: What?
Daphne: You were married to two other women while you claimed to have been in love with me. And now that we're together, how can I be sure - really sure - that there won't ever be another somebody else?
Dr. Niles Crane: Because I would never... because this time, it's different. Our love is different. It's not based on somebody's expectations or-or... anything I'm supposed to be. Uh... when I was with Maris, or with Mel, I found myself thinking about you. Going about my day or, uh... even when I was in a session. I found myself thinking about you. Well, now we're together. I find myself thinking about you. It's not going to stop.
Martin: [to Daphne] Could you just once cook a traditional Thanksgiving meal? I mean, look at this cranberry sauce.
[points to a dish of nicely smoothed sauce]
Martin: It's supposed to keep the shape of the can, quiver a little bit. What are all these little chunks in there?
Daphne: Those are cranberries.
Frasier: [Eddie is barking at the dog upstairs] Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep! I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone! In the last thirty-six hours I haven't had so much as a nap, and I've got to be back at the station by 2 A.M.
[stares at Eddie]
Frasier: Eddie, listen carefully. By the time this day is up, one of us is going to sleep.
[Eddie ducks his head]
Daphne: Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'll take Eddie for a walk. And as far as your problem at work goes, if you want my opinion...
Frasier: DON'T! I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, between the station's new Reich Chancellor and Roz's incessant whining! As far as I'm concerned, your entire sex can put a sock in it!
[stomps off to his room]
Martin: Boy, you'd never let me get away with a comment like that.
Daphne: [gets up and goes to the door] Oh, even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired. All Dr. Crane needs right now is a little peace and quiet. Eddie?
[she sticks two fingers in her mouth and blasts a shrill whistle]
Frasier: [from his room] Damn it!
Daphne: [Niles has stood up to Mel and publicly professed his love for Daphne] I love you, too.
Daphne: Well! Aren't you a bobby dazzler!
Frasier: Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.
[Maris has been arrested for murder]
Daphne: So where is she now?
Martin: They're holding her as a flight risk.
Niles: Can you imagine?
Martin: Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.
Frasier: I'll just cut to the chase here. Uh, do you, Martin Crane take Ronee Lawrence to be your lawfully wedded wife, forsaking all others, until death do you part?
Martin: I do.
Frasier: Do you, Ronee Lawrence, take Martin Crane...?
Ronee: I do!
[Martin places the ring on Ronee's finger]
Daphne: Oh, I'm tearing up.
Frasier: You know, if they'd let me say what I planned to, you'd be bawling your eyes out right now.
[Martin puts his ring on and holds Ronee's hand]
Frasier: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
[Martin and Ronee kiss]
Daphne: I'm already exhibiting the three signs of a woman in love: I can't stop thinking about him, I can't eat and I bought meself all new underwear!
Martin: We gotta get her a girlfriend to talk to.
Niles: [notices Daphne's tacky, revealing dress] Daphne, you're not actually going out in that, are you?
Daphne: [throws the dress away and falls back onto the bed] That's it, I'm staying home.
Roz: No, just try it; we can accessorize it.
Niles: With what? A lamp post and a public defender?
Daphne: [getting kicked out of Martin's new chair] Oh, all right. Just like a man. Now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!
Dr. Niles Crane: Maris will be thrilled you're coming to see her tonight in the ballet.
Daphne: Oh, we're delighted.
Martin: [grumbles unenthusiastically]
Daphne: You know, when I was younger, I dreamed of being a ballerina myself.
Dr. Niles Crane: So did Maris. Poor thing could never get her weight up enough.
Ferguson: Manchester, right?
Daphne: Is it that obvious?
Ferguson: To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for United.
Daphne: Is that so? My Uncle Jack once tried to get Bobby Charlton's autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!
Elka: I'm a little nervous. Or maybe it's just staring at that rat's nest that Joy calls a hairdo. It's so unsettling.
Joy: Your nerves are making you unpleasant.
Elka: Yes, but I can fix that by finishing this wine. You're still stuck with that hair.
Joy: That's not your joke, Elka; that's Winston Churchill's.
Elka: It's not stealing if you were there.
Daphne: Don't let his shake your confidence. You'll be fine. Maybe she's had her fill of attractive men and is ready for a change.
Frasier: Aren't I lucky. Normally, a forest troll like me has to trick a woman to get a date.
Joy: Let me ask you something. What's the deal with old ladies and track suits?
Elka: Well, it's simple: in your twenties you dress for men, in your forties you dress for success, in your eighties you dress for a bathroom.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, Daphne - I have to take the roast out of the oven. I need the recipe for the glaze. Could you get it? It's in my briefcase in the burnt-sienna colored folder.
Daphne: No problem.
[she looks at Martin]
Martin: Brown. But don't tell anyone I know that.
Daphne: [Frasier answers the door and Daphne is standing there with her hand down her blouse] Oh, hello. Caught me with me hand in the biscuit tin. I'm Daphne, Daphne Moon.
Frasier: [looking at the microwave that is filling with smoke due to Daphne putting Martin's shoes in there to dry up] Daphne, are you finished here with the microwave?
Daphne: [freaked out] Oh no!
[she goes tot he microwave and takes out Martin's shoes, which have been burnt to a crisp and she blows on them. Martin comes in and looks utterly shocked]
Martin: My muckabees!
Daphne: Well, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to leave them in there so long!
Frasier: Yes, well, English cooking strikes again.
[He leaves the kitchen]
[first lines]
Joy: Sorry I'm late; what'd I miss?
Victoria: Oh, we were just telling sad, bloated Melanie that Alec was right to break up with her.
Joy: What! That's a horrible thing to say. You're going to make her cry.
Elka: That's the plan.
Melanie: I haven't been able to cry since Alec and I broke up, and I feel like it's all bottled up inside me. If I could just get one good cry, maybe I could get over him.
Joy: Got it. Has anyone mentioned that he's probably banging some hot twenty-something already?
Elka: I said twins.
Joy: Well, the movie's in ten minutes. Everyone says you can't watch 'The Diary' without bursting into tears.
Victoria: Oh, yes! 'The Diary' is the movie 'The Notebook' goes to see when it wants to feel sad.
Joy: After all the artsy-fartsy cinema Elka and I have had to sit through in our Theory of Film class, we could use a little mindless entertainment. No sub-titles, no moral ambiguity, no chess games with death.
Elka: And only good-looking people get naked.
Melanie: Look, you guys, I'm really not up for a movie. You go. I'm going to stay here and finish my wine. I'll pay the cheque.
Joy: Oh, honey, are you sure?
Melanie: Ah, don't try to be nice; it only makes it harder.
Victoria: Well, bye, Mel; sorry you're so hideous.
Joy: And unlovable.
Elka: Have fun dying alone.
Melanie: Nothing.
Joy: Does anyone else smell pot?
Elka: What are you, a cop?
Joy: No.
Elka: Then what's it to you?
[Frasier sits dejectedly on the couch, clutching an empty wine bottle. Daphne walks in, past the American flag covering the windows]
Daphne: Still awake, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. It's almost dawn's early light, and our flag is still there.
Melanie: [as Joy leaves for her 'booty call'] Oh my God, look at that wind! Her clothes are going to fly right off!
Joy: That's the plan!
[last lines]
Joy: What are these?
Maddie: Oh, Professor Knoll must of left his signs.
Joy: Yeah.
[reads]
Joy: "More wine, please." "You were wonderful in that." "You deserve the Tony."
Maddie: Aw, that ones for me.
Joy: "You should win an Oscar."
Victoria: Aw, that one's for me
Joy: "I still think about our night together."
Victoria: Awwww!
Joy: You're with a man who thinks you're a man pretending to be a woman?
Victoria: Yes, I am Victor Victoria Chase.
Joy: I can't believe you're choosing injections of botulism over your best friend. Doesn't that worry you?
Victoria: Yes, of course it does, but I figure if I can get to Chicago, then at least I won't look worried.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes well, Daphne, don't be too hard on him. The Crane men haven't had a great deal of success in the romance department lately. We're all a bit gun-shy.
Daphne: Ah yes, gun-shy, sensitive, picky; you're all full of excuses. You know, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get any of you married off and out of this house.
Niles: She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Daphne: Oh dear... Did a plane almost crash?
Niles: No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.
Frasier: That suit is very becoming on you. Is it new?
Abby: If it isn't, thank you for noticing, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, no, thank you for being so, uh... noticeable.
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Daphne] Do I sound like that?
Daphne: Yeah, but it's cute when you do it.
Frasier: Hello Daphne. Is Dad here?
Daphne: No, I haven't seen him since he knocked me up this morning.
Frasier: [after a pause] What?
Daphne: Knocked me up. Woke me up. It's an English expression. What does it mean here?
Frasier: Oh, something else. You'd definitely be awake for it.
Daphne: I broke your father's souvenir spoon rack from Atlantic City.
Frasier: Oh, good.
Niles: The wine and the heat must have made me dizzy.
Daphne: Yes, it is rather steamy in here.
Niles: I apologise for the lack of air conditioning. It seems in order to live in an exclusive landmark building, one must have to sweat through the odd heat wave like a tortured character in a...
[trails off as Daphne lifts her shirt up to get air from the fan]
Niles: ... Tennessee... Williams... play.
Victoria: I am definitely going to need an emergency wax.
Elka: But your eyebrows look fine.
Victoria: Oh, it's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.
Joy: Do you think I carry a portable waxing kit?
Victoria: Joy, please!
Joy: OK, fine!
[picks up a candle and serviette from the table]
Joy: I'll MacGyver it.
Martin: [about the blood pressure cuff] I don't want to wear it, it looks silly.
Daphne: Nonsense, I think it looks handsome, like the arm bands gladiators wear in movies... except inflatable.
Niles: Hello, Daphne. Is Dad around?
Daphne: Actually, he's gone off with Donny. They went to a tractor pull.
Niles: Ohhh...
[Looks questioningly at Daphne]
Daphne: As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor and see how far they can pull it through the mud.
Niles: Ohhh...
[Looks questioningly at her again]
Daphne: The answer to your next question is "beats the hell out of me."
Daphne: [about Sherry] She says I'm too rigid.
Niles: Nonsense!
Daphne: And that I'm too picky.
Niles: Poppycock!
Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone.
Niles: [after a pause] Just to play devil's advocate...
Daphne: You really should stay home and let me tend to you. I'm a very good nurse. I mended all my brothers' soccer injuries.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer.
Daphne: Neither did my hooligan brothers. Mostly they got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen in the stands.
Daphne: Wow. I don't see the three of you watching the same show very often. What's going on? Pavarotti jumping the Grand Canyon?
[on Cliff Clavin's theories]
Niles: If I hear one more of that postman's crackpot theories my head will explode.
Frasier: Don't worry, Niles, no one takes him seriously.
Daphne: I never knew how many letters there were in the dolphin alphabet.
Daphne: I've got to stop walking in on the middle of conversations.
[Martin and Niles are building a model sailing ship]
Daphne: Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on the H.M.S. Bounty?
Martin: No kidding.
Daphne: Yeah, from what we can tell, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island, where he was quite fruitful and multiplied. You know, for all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, all brown-skinned and bare-breasted...
[Niles snaps the mast he's holding in two, sending the pieces flying over the table]
Niles: So you want to build a two-masted schooner...
Melanie: All these toys were over at Elka's place.
Elka: Well, I did a lot of baby-sitting when I was young.
Joy: Was it hard pushing a stroller around before the invention of the wheel?
[first lines]
Perky: We have on the line with us Victoria from Cleveland. Tell us, Victoria, why are you so excited about these amazing Space Bags?
Victoria: Well, the love of my life was recently thrown into prison, and it turns out that jail cells have no closet space at all. I'll take five hundred.
Melanie: Victoria!
[grabs the phone]
Melanie: Miss Chase will not be purchasing Space Bags at this time. Thank you.
Victoria: Why are you shop-blocking me?
Elka: [Elks enters carrying a shotgun] I heard noises.
Joy: Is that thing loaded?
Elka: One of us is.
Melanie: Well, we're having an intervention for Victoria.
Elka: Because of her drinking?
Melanie: No.
Joy: She's grief-shopping,
Frasier: Yes. Well, now, perhaps you should start by telling us a little bit about yourself, Miss Moon.
Daphne: Well, I'm originally from Manchester, England...
Frasier: Oh really, did you hear that, Dad?
Martin: I'm three feet away. There's nothing wrong with my hearing.
[Lillith is visiting the apartment; Eddie the dog is refusing to enter the building]
Daphne: It's like he can sense an earthquake or a dark force or... hello Lillith.
Daphne: I suppose she can be a bit overbearing. But as she often points out, she is paying for the wedding and I am her only daughter and giving birth to me was so painful she did bite through a kitchen spoon.
[last lines]
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's ironic, isn't it? My sixty-three year old father with a bum hip is about to embark on a night of romance, while the two of us, man and woman, both attractive and eligible, and in the prime of our lives, have nothing to do on a Saturday night.
Daphne: You know, the answer to our problems may be right under our noses.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes Daphne, I think it is.
Daphne: All right. You go claim the washing machines, I'll go get the laundry.
Martin: Hey, Roz!
Roz: Hey, Martin, what's going on?
Martin: Oh, Niles bought me some new shoes!
Daphne: [mock approvingly] Oh yes, look! They have tassels!
Dr. Niles Crane: Aren't they exquisite? Those shoes were individually handmade by an artisan toiling in a hilltop village above Florence. The man is a hero there. It's an event when he completes a pair of shoes. They ring the cathedral bell and the whole town celebrates!
Roz: There's a town that needs a bowling alley.
Niles: I would have said, "Is this seat taken?" and you would have said "No." You would have said, "My name is Daphne." I would have said, "My name is Niles." And then I would have said, "What are you doing for the rest of your life?"
Daphne: You always know the right thing to say. Oh, I love you Dr Crane.
Niles: And I love you too, Daphne.
Daphne: [Martin has just left in a huff] Well, I guess I better go after him.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, here.
[hands her his umbrella]
Dr. Niles Crane: Take my bumbershoot.
Daphne: Oh, isn't that nice, well at least someone appreciates my mother tongue.
[leaves]
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles!
Daphne: Oh now, Dr. Crane, I really don't think you're in any shape...
Frasier: Thank you! But the moment I give a fig for what you think is the day that England produces a great chef, a world-class bottle of wine, and a car that has a decent electrical system!
Daphne: [furious] You know, being a health-care provider, I try to be sympathetic towards my patients. But I have reached the end of my tether with you, Doctor! You are by far the most ungrateful, disagreeable, self-centered, whiny fusspot I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with! I've had patients on their deathbeds who were more considerate, and a damn sight more jolly too! As far as I'm concerned, you can lay in those sweaty sheets until you're one giant bedsore!
Frasier: Are you done?
Daphne: [calming down somewhat] Yes.
Frasier: Then scurry on down to the drugstore and get those filled while I get dressed!
Daphne: I'm a resident alien here from England - you know, the country that used to own you people.
[Roz comes to the Halloween Party dressed in a saucy S&M outfit]
Daphne: Wow. Roz, don't you look smashing.
Eve: What an interesting costume, who are you?
Roz: I'm O. from the "Story of O."
Everyone: Ohhh...
Roz: It's gonna be a long night.
Daphne: Well, I've done enough clothes shopping with your father.
[doorbell sounds]
Daphne: I'm pretty good at pretending to like things, no matter how horrifying I find them.
[Daphne opens the door and smiles at Bebe]
Daphne: [cheerful pretense] Bebe, how nice to see you.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, your Glockenspiel has sprung to life!
Roz: Oh, Daphne, it's okay, it's okay; everything's gonna be fine.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but, in just about twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page 24 -
Daphne: He's not a diagram! He's my husband! And he's on a table with his chest cut open! I'm sorry if I can't handle this as well as the rest of you, but I'm terrified.
Roz: Daphne, it's okay; just calm down. I mean, when all this is over we're just gonna -
Daphne: There is no "when this is over"! There's no tomorrow, no next week, no next year - there's *nothing* until he comes out of there and I know he's okay!
Daphne: [seeing an ornate clock on a side table] Look at this, it's beautiful!
Dr. Niles Crane: It's a Glockenspiel. We bought it on our honeymoon in Zürich. I brought it down from the attic to remind Maris of better times. It used to play beautiful music, and now it doesn't. How's that for irony?
Martin: So Jerome, you didn't tell us what line of work you're in.
Daphne: Let me guess. I'm a bit psychic. Let's see... you're some sort of a doctor. An osteopath, perhaps?
Jerome: No.
Daphne: Well that's odd. I can see you hovering over people with broken bones.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I can't believe this. I simply cannot believe it.
Martin: What are you yapping about?
Dr. Frasier Crane: This... this book. It was written by a man I knew. He's taken an incident from my own life - something I shared with him in confidence one night - and he's turned it into this... this trash!
Daphne: "Slow Tango"? I just started reading that. You mean to tell me that young man is based on you, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, he is, but did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgements!
Martin: What's it about, anyway?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
Daphne: It's about his first time.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you, Daphne.
Niles: Your first time doing what?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic again] Changing a flat tire.
Niles: Oh... oh!
Martin: So this whole book's about the night you conceived Frederick?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Very amusing, dad. I'll have you know that was not my first time.
Martin: Hey, I'm happy to know it wasn't your only time.
Niles: Just who was this charitable lass?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
Daphne: His piano teacher.
Martin: His piano teacher?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you again, Daphne!
Niles: And we conclude our little tour back here in the living room.
Daphne: It's very posh.
Martin: Niles, why a bed in the living room?
Niles: That's not a bed, dad. It's an antique fainting couch.
Daphne: My goodness, they had furniture for everything back then, didn't they!
Joy: How do I look?
Elka: Like you stepped out of a painting... of hookers!
Daphne: Oh isn't this nice? Dr Crane sent us a post card from Aspen.
Martin: Great. How's he doin?
Daphne: Lets see. I delivered a speech at the conference last night. I was especially pleased with my opening line. 'My fellow psychiatrists: As I watched you on the slopes today, I realized I'd never seen so many Freudians slip.'
Daphne: Don't you ever clean that thing out?
Martin: No, it's bad luck. Everybody knows that. You show up on a fishing trip with a tackle box that doesn't smell like the most rancid, rotten thing on the face of the earth, then nobody will sit by you.
Frasier: [entering the apartment with Niles] Yes, Niles, I used to have the same problem with my multiple personality patients. They always kept saying that the other one had sent the check.
Niles: [sniffing] What an odd combination of odors. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.
Daphne: I have never met a family that worked so hard at being uncomfortable with each other!
Daphne: If you don't mind my asking, are you taking anything along to keep your nephew amused?
Niles: Yes, his grandfather.
Melanie: I just hope when Hailey gets my note she forgives me.
Joy: What note?
Melanie: Oh, I paid the bartender to slip her an apology and a CD to autograph, so that way if I get it back in the mail I know she's forgiven me.
Joy: And if you get a restraining order, you'll know she hasn't.
Melanie: Oh, no!
Joy: They're not that bad. You'd be surprised how much trash talking you can do from three hundred feet.
Frasier: Daphne, this is my brother Niles.
[Frasier leaves to get a photo for Niles]
Niles: [turning to face Daphne] Hmm... You're Daphne?
Daphne: Why, yes I am!
Niles: Well, I...
[Niles walks over to her and shakes her hand]
Niles: When Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?
Daphne: It's nice to meet you.
[Daphne takes her hand away and goes back to sorting the laundry; Meanwhile,Frasier returns with the photo for Niles]
Niles: Well, what a lovely accent. Is that, er, Manchester?
Daphne: Yes. How'd you know?
Niles: Oh, I'm quite the anglophile; I'm sure Frasier and dad have already told you.
Daphne: No, they didn't mention it.
Niles: Ah... you undoubtedly guessed as much when they said I'd spent a year studying at Cambridge.
Daphne: No, they didn't mention that, either.
Niles: I guess my father and brother don't spend a lot of time talking about me when I'm not around!
Daphne: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
[playing a game called "I'm the Dullest Person"]
Frasier: If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?
Daphne: I can't think of anything.
Frasier: Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...
Daphne: Oh, I don't know. Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an aeroplane or a merry-go-round.
Frasier: Okay, that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see, it should be something that someone else might have actually...
[Roz throws in a penny]
Frasier: ...done.
[Roz throws in three more pennies while everyone else stares at her]
Roz: I was in college, I was trying to find myself!
Niles: All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.
[Daphne is reluctant to use her week off to visit her relatives in Manchester]
Daphne: And going home is just so flipping boring. It's always the same. There's a wonderful reunion at the airport, and we share all our news on the way home in the car. And by the time I've dropped off my suitcase, we've exhausted all conversation, and that's when I realize I've got a whole week left with nothing to look forward to but Dad telling the story of how he once shared a cigar with Winston Churchill during the blackouts... he thinks.
Daphne: Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well...
Dr. Frasier Crane: If I may? Uh, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her dignity intact.
Daphne: [takes Niles's hand] And what about Niles' dignity?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Maris got that in the divorce.
[laughing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sorry, Niles.
Daphne: Don't think, just feel. You're an Argentine slum dweller. You have no house, no car. You don't know where your next meal is coming from. But none of that matters, because tonight
[music flourish]
Daphne: we have the Tango.
Niles: Oh mama, I've got it all!
[Frasier's date to the Empire Club's cocktail party cancels on him]
Frasier: This is disastrous!
Martin: Well, just go stag.
Frasier: No, I've RSVP'd for two. I'll look like some loser who couldn't even scrape up a date.
Martin: Wait a minute. What are we worried about? We've got our very own Cinderella right under this roof.
[Daphne enters, with her hair in rollers and heading for the kitchen]
Daphne: Well, that's the last time I try to get grout up without wearing rubber gloves. I've got so much gunk under my nails I look like I've been worming a pig.
[Frasier looks concerned]
Martin: Trust me, the English accent'll sell it.
Joy: I can't imagine what it's going to be like living here without you.
Victoria: I know. I've been the sun that you three revolve around. But still, I know; it's hard to say good-bye.
Elka: You're making it easier.
Dr. Niles Crane: Daphne, this place looks wonderful. And excellent choice of music, I love this aria!
Daphne: Yes, she has a gorgeous voice, doesn't she? It's a pity she never got quite the recognition of a Joan Sutherland or a Renata Tebaldi.
Dr. Niles Crane: I had no idea you knew so much about sopranos.
Daphne: Yeah, well, you don't live with your brother for five years and not learn a thing or two about divas.
Dr. Frasier Crane: A quick little pick-me-up, Niles?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, I am exhausted. Sleeping with Daphne, I'm not getting any rest. The way she gyrates, it's like...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Stop the simile! No use in conjuring up imagery I'll only have to repress later.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm talking about actual sleeping, you degenerate jughead.
[Daphne returns to the table and kisses Niles]
Daphne: [to Niles] Hey, sweetie.
Dr. Niles Crane: Hey. I was just telling Frasier about your nightly tossing and turning.
[Daphne sits on Niles' lap]
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Frasier] She's like a tuna on a trawler deck.
Daphne: [to Niles] I told you: I'm gonna need time to adjust to sleeping with someone. Until then you're just going to have to fight me off.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, I tried, you hurled me to the floor!
Daphne: You've never minded the rough stuff before.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [closing his book] No that's it, I'm leaving.
Bebe: After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier: This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Bebe: [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier: No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?
Martin: Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!
Niles: There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Bebe: It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!
Frasier: What is so wonderful about smoking?
Bebe: Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!
[Begins displaying innuendo]
Bebe: I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!
[Frasier raises his eyebrow]
Bebe: Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!
Daphne: [Visibly aroused, as are the others] More potatoes, anyone?
Daphne: I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position.
Niles: When it comes to you, no position is too awkward.
Daphne: Oh dear, your chair's got another big rip in the bottom.
Martin: Where?
[spots it]
Martin: Oh! Hand me my re-upholstery kit, would you?
[Daphne throws him a large roll of duct tape]
Martin: Thanks.
[as a girl, Daphne starred in a British TV show, "Mind Your Knickers."]
Daphne: It was about a group of high-spirited, ethnically diverse twelve-year-olds in a girls' private boarding school. I played Emma, the short, spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen, five foot ten, and they had me boozies bound up tighter than a mummy. Well, I'm off.
[leaves]
Frasier: The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding leaf after another.
[mopping up the bathroom after Frasier and Niles's failed attempt to fix the toilet]
Daphne: What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
Frasier: Well Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists.
Daphne: Yeah, well there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with.
Eric: Most people find that blend too intense.
Daphne: Not me. I like something that holds its body on my tongue.
[Niles spills cream all over the table]
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Frasier, It could be a thoracic strain!
Daphne: or a bulging disc!
Regan: Yes, impinging on your lumbar nerve!
Frasier: Yes. It could easily be any one of those things. But, did you also consider that it might be the stripper chained to my wrist?
Daphne: Officer Nasty!
Martin: [on phone with Duke] No kidding. He's flying you to Las Vegas for the fight?
[turns so Frasier can hear]
Martin: That's a great son you've got there, Duke.
Daphne: [opens door for Niles] Good morning, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne, Dad. Frasier, I thought you might like to join me. I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans re-seasoned.
[Martin quickly turns away the phone so Duke doesn't hear]
Frasier: Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.
[Martin turns the other way]
Martin: [laughs] No, no, it's just Daphne, she's watching PBS.
Daphne: [in flashback, talking to Frasier] I don't know how you put up with him.
Niles: [cut to present time in a shrink's office] Liar! Liar! Daphne never said that!
Frasier: Well, she said it with body language.
Niles: I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said nothing of the kind!
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, I'm... I'm sorry I ruined your evening.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's all right, Niles. It's a small price to pay to finally see you and Daphne together.
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Daphne] It's true - we're free!
[Daphne laughs]
Dr. Niles Crane: No more hiding! Where do you want to go? Dinner? Dancing? London? Paris?
Daphne: Why don't we go for a walk?
Dr. Niles Crane: Even better.
[Ferguson appears with their coats]
Ferguson: If you'll allow me.
Dr. Niles Crane: Thank you, Ferguson.
Ferguson: My pleasure, sir.
Daphne: Thank you, Ferguson.
Ferguson: It was my privilege, Miss Moon.
Joy: Ooh, that sounds very satisfying. I've never thrown a drink at a man. I mean, I've slapped a couple of faces, egged a few cars, set the odd house on fire, but never the drink in the face. Oh, this is going to be fun!
Daphne: [Daphne reaches down her blouse to fish for the necklace that Niles dropped] Can you see them?
Niles: [looking down her blouse] Oh yes, thank you.
Daphne: Sherry's never exactly liked me. You don't think she'll try to make your father get rid of me, do you?
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, of course not. He'd be lost without you.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, and even if by some chance that were to happen, Daphne, I could always use you.
[realizing innuendo]
Dr. Niles Crane: I, I would know of a position you could take...
[digging into a hole]
Dr. Niles Crane: ... services that you could perform.
[holds: ]
Dr. Niles Crane: I would know of an opening...
[realizes the path he has taken and takes up the check]
Dr. Niles Crane: This is on me.
Joy: I get to stay in America!
Elka: That's another reason to go to Canada.
[driving a Winnebago]
Daphne: How does it feel behind that wheel, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Manly! This is mine, and it's big!
Victoria: These English instructions are worse than the French ones. What or who is Allen Wrench? This stupid car has more pieces than the puppet theater. And it needs two D batteries; where are we going to get those?
[Victoria and Elka both look over at Joy]
Joy: Fine. I'll take them out of my... personal back massager.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh you had a vision about... the love of your life. Okay, well tell me about it. And Daphne, omit nothing!
Daphne: All right, I was straightening up the living room when I had a sudden flash of a wedding ceremony for Donny and me. Oh, it was lovely; the church was packed to the rafters. My mum was there in a peach silk looking very smart, my brothers in their suits...
Dr. Niles Crane: You know, I may have led you in the wrong direction with the "omit" business, feel free to skip ahead.
Daphne: My father had just walked me up to the altar and I was standing there facing Donny. He looked quite natty, black tuxedo, tails, very slimming...
Dr. Niles Crane: We're skipping.
Niles: You think I'm pretentious?
Daphne: You'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name.
Daphne: You always smell so masculine after you've finished exercising.
Dr. Niles Crane: It's the mango-kiwi shower gel.
Joy: Let's kill him!
Daphne: [Niles is making Daphne try on dresses] Shall I put the red one back on so you can make a choice?
Frasier: No, I think Niles has all the information he needs.
Niles: [guilty] You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size.
Frasier: Give or take a foot.
Daphne: What are you doing up so early?
Frasier: Oh, the new station manager's taking over today. She wanted to meet with all of us.
Martin: 'She'? Oh, working for a woman, huh?
Frasier: Yes. Why?
Martin: Well, it's tough on guys, taking orders from a woman. We resent it.
Frasier: That's absurd. If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'll have the French roast with 3 shots of espresso.
Daphne: The "Defibrillator"?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yeah, that's the one.
Daphne: Here you are, Dr. Crane. I stopped off at the Tre Anon Day Spa and picked up your papaya exfolliant and your neck cream por aloe.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Daphne. I wouldn't have sent you out in this weather if it weren't an emergency.
Bebe: [Early morning. Bebe is asleep on the couch. Daphne, in her robe, slowly creeps into the room with a pack of cigarettes in her hand. She quietly opens the balcony door. Bebe stays asleep as Daphne puts a cigarette to her lips. However, the sound of her striking a match wakes Bebe in an instant. She tiptoes over to the balcony door] You're up early, Miss Moon!
Daphne: God, you startled me!
[laughs]
Daphne: Ever since your little speech about smoking, I haven't been able to think about anything else. Please, don't mention this to Dr. Crane.
Bebe: Silence has its price, dear. And I think we both know what that is.
Daphne: Forget it! You can't make me give you one of these.
Bebe: Oh, can't I?
[She slams the balcony door shut, locking Daphne out]
Daphne: You open up right now!
Bebe: All right, missy, here's the drill! You drop those cigarettes, I'll open the door, you kick 'em over to me... capiche?
Daphne: No!
[She runs to the other door; it's locked]
Bebe: [evil] Oh, is it cold outside?
Daphne: All right, you asked for it!
[She takes the packet and holds it over the balcony]
Bebe: No, no! Please, I beg you.
Daphne: Oh, oh no. My fingers are getting weak! Oh, I'm losing me grip!
Bebe: Stop, please! I'll give you anything you want. I'll make you a star!
[opens door]
Frasier: [enters] What the hell's going on out here?
Bebe: [childish brat voice] Daphne was smoking!
Daphne: She made me!
Daphne: Bloody hell! Five days after Christmas is over and I'm still getting these cards! They do it on purpose, you know. It's always from someone you forgot, and then it's too late to send one back, then they sneer at you for the rest of the year! "Peace and Goodwill," my ass! You just lost yourself a customer, Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.!
Martin: Losing a set of English teeth, he'll feel that!
Frasier: What would you think if I did a commercial and publicly endorsed a product?
Daphne: Oh, you mean like Cher does?
Frasier: Thank you, Daphne, one against. Dad?
Daphne: If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex.
Martin: Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family!
Frasier: Good one, Dad!
Martin: I've been saving it!
Daphne: Oh, you know, I think I left your present in my room. Niles, will you help me with it?
Niles: Oh, of course. We'll be back very quickie.
Daphne: Quickly.
Niles: Quickly.
[on the morning of Frasier's aunt's funeral, Daphne sneezes explosively]
Frasier: God bless you, Daphne. Are you sure you're up to coming to the memorial?
Daphne: Oh, it's just a little cold. Besides, in my family, when there was a funeral everybody went. I remember when Grammy Moon passed on. My brothers had been off on a three-day bender. They couldn't even stand on their own - pissed as newts! But they crawled to that chapel on their hands and knees.
Frasier: Very commendable.
Daphne: Yeah, well, they had an obligation. They were the pallbearers.
[Frasier and Daphne have arrived at the rally]
Daphne: This is actually rather exciting. I must say, I never thought you to be the protest type.
Frasier: Oh, on the contrary, Daphne, I was quite the activist in my college days. You know, there's nothing like throwing in with a fearless band of scruffy young rebels thumbing their noses at convention.
Daphne: So did you go in for the whole package, then? Long hair, bell bottoms, beads?
Frasier: Oh, heavens no. I did have a pair of psychedelic suspenders that raised an eyebrow or two.
[chuckles]
Daphne: [Daphne emerges from her room wearing a red, oriental style dress]
[to Martin and Frasier]
Daphne: Well?
[Martin lets out a wolf whistle]
Frasier: Well, Daphne, very nice.
Daphne: Thank you.
Martin: No, thank YOU.
Daphne: I'd be more flattered if I didn't know how hard up you both are right now. I'm going out with Derek again tonight. But I'm having trouble choosing a fragrance. I've got it pinned down to these two.
[she sprays one]
Daphne: "Heather" - fresh and bouncy as a spring morning, or
[she sprays the other]
Daphne: "Forbidden" - your passport to erotic realms of pleasure.
[Martin and Frasier smell both fragrances]
Martin: How many times you been out with this guy?
Martin: This is our third date.
[Frasier and Martin look at each other]
Martin: Forbidden
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, may I get a double latte please, one shot of decaf espresso, one shot of regular espresso, with some steamed low-fat milk and some non-fat foam?
James the Barista: Sure.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well?
Dr. Frasier Crane: He didn't even blink an eye. The man's unflappable!
Daphne: He's amazing, isn't he?
Dr. Niles Crane: He made me a chai spice ristretto americano con panna as if people had been drinking them for centuries!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Truly this is a golden age.
Daphne: [about Diane's facial twitch] That's either a very large twitch or a very small seizure.
Daphne: Oh yes, Freddie's been quite the little helper. Every time I bend over to check the turkey, there he is.
[Niles gives Frederick a sly look]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Joe has found the source of the leak in my ceiling. It is Cam Winston's brand new washing machine! By God, for this time he's gone too far! As if his noise and noxious presence at the condo board meetings weren't bad enough. Have you ever heard of anything more fury inspiring?
Daphne: I certainly have not. Imagine the cheek of the man, installing an illegal washer-dryer.
Joe: Oh, they're not illegal. A lot of the units have them. You guys have a hookup in the hall closet where you keep all those hats...
[Daphne glares at Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: First of all, I had completely forgotten about the hookup. Second of all, I believe the homburg is poised for a comeback,
[last lines]
Victoria: Look at this turnout. You know, Elka's only a few signatures away from getting on the ballot. And her dog park twitter account is trending.
Elka: [laughing] At Elka stop less parks.
Melanie: [looks at @elkastoplessparks banner] You know, when you look at that, it looks like Elka's topless parks.
Elka: [innocently] Does it?
Bob: Well, Joy, I've got a plane to catch.
Joy: Bob's selling the agency and moving back to Canada.
Bob: I made the new owner promise to keep Joy on. He seems like a good guy.
Joy: Good guy, huh?
Bob: Yup. I guess when you look like him, you kind of have to be.
[shows joy a picture of a handsome man]
Joy: I can work with that.
Bob: That's the spirit, Joy. Looks aren't everything.
[the Cranes have to smuggle Daphne across the border from Canada, pretending she's American]
Daphne: Bloody right! It beats havin' me bum bounced back across the pond. Let's give it a bash.
Frasier: Oh, yes. This is foolproof.
Daphne: [about her brother Michael] That's how he supported himself after school, volunteering for all kinds of medical experiments, trying all kinds of hormones.
[leaves room]
Martin: Do you think she's finished?
Dr. Niles Crane: Wait for it.
Daphne: [returns] One year, he grew little boobies.
[Daphne is practicing an American accent]
Daphne: I'll see you later.
[normal voice]
Daphne: You see, that's the problem when I speak American, I don't know what to do with my "R"s.
Frasier: Try hauling it out of here!
Martin: Remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat? And how proud I was? I told you that story, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, Dad, you told us. If you had a guitar you would have written a ballad.
Martin: Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, and I hear this little bell, ting-a-ling. And I thought, "that's funny - rats don't wear bells!"
Daphne: Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a ten dollar reward.
Martin: Well, the most we can claim at this point is about six-fifty.
Joy: This is why the internet was invented; for men to find pictures of naked celebrities and women to cyber-stalk the men they trust.
Dr. Niles Crane: [Daphne twisted her ankle] Oh my, it's swollen already.
Daphne: [looks at her feet] It's the *other* one!
[Melanie is stressed out over having said "I love you" to Pete]
Joy: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I've blurted it out when I didn't mean it, too. Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.
Elka: Couldn't you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?
Daphne: I wish someone would just tell me who this woman is, and why we're trying to impress the pants off her.
Frasier: She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a sanitorium, where I met her, fell for her, and then was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there remains a sucking chest wound where once there dwelled a heart!
[first lines]
Melanie: Elka! Elka!
Joy: Let us in!
Melanie: Elka, please, the tornado's
[drowned out by thunderclap]
Melanie: . We're all going to die.
Aunt: Who is this pretty young thing?
Martin: Oh, this is Daphne Moon. She's my physical therapist.
Aunt: Oh... that's what they call it these days?
[slaps him playfully]
Aunt: You dirty old man!
[she moves off into the crowd, laughing, while Martin tries to calm Daphne]
Daphne: I've never been so insulted...!
Daphne: So, you brought me something, Roz?
Roz: Well, yeah. I figured you couldn't get married without wearing something borrowed.
[Hands her a small box]
Daphne: Oh! What a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely detail.
Niles: I especially like the little odometer.
Daphne: [arriving at Niles' costume party] We would've been here sooner, but Sherlock here got us lost.
Martin: So we went to the wrong apartment, I notice you didn't complain when the old lady gave us peanut butter cups.
[Frasier has offered to take Daphne out to get her mind off her troubles, but she has declined]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sure you won't change your mind?
Daphne: Positive.
[Simon comes back from walking Eddie]
Simon: Hello! We've just finished our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on the docket for tonight then?
Daphne: All I want is a quiet evening at home.
Simon: Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind. I'll hoist a beer while you get dinner started. And then when our bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will adjourn to the Winnebago, where Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme, the "Muscles From Brussels" will ply his trade against the forces of evil.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ready at eight?
Daphne: Make it seven-thirty.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, we were just discussing these visions of yours.
Daphne: Look, I'm in no mood to be mocked.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm not mocking you, Daphne, and I'm not trying to influence you in anyway, either. It's just that I was wondering... um, have these psychic warnings ever come to you before - say, at a critical juncture in a relationship?
Daphne: No!
[remembers]
Daphne: Well, actually yes. Once when my first boyfriend proposed I had a vision telling me that there was somebody better waiting - which there was: Clive.
Dr. Frasier Crane: But you dumped Clive.
Daphne: Look, er, I don't have time for this right now.
[Daphne, worried and confused, dismisses herself to the kitchen]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] Oh yes, no fear of commitment there.
[first lines]
Victoria: [looking at a shirtless Sean holding a baby] Aaaaaaawww.
Joy: See, just like the calendar. Okay, Sean, put your shirt back on.
Victoria: Aaww.
Joy: Thanks for being such a good sport.
Victoria: Yeah, and for teaching us that other thing.
Sean: Baby CPR.
Victoria: Yes, that. Now if any baby faints when they hear that I'm dating Sir Emmet Lawson, I'll know how to revive them.
Sean: You're dating Emmet Lawson the movie star?
Victoria: How did you drag that out of me?
Daphne: [with the box of puppies] I think I've found the perfect name for this one!
Frasier: Stop! Dogs only need names if you're going to call them to you, which we're not!
[Frasier mistakenly picked up a woman who turned out to be a prostitute, and then a transvestite]
Daphne: Look, Dr. Crane, I just wanted to say, you're the victim here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you.
Daphne: Yeah, American society's so close-minded when it comes to sexual experimentation. In Europe...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I didn't do anything wrong!
Daphne: Well, exactly! That's what I'm trying to say!
Daphne: The other day I found out something about Dr. Crane I wasn't supposed to know.
Roz: [excited] Frasier?
Daphne: No, his brother. Apparently, he's had a crush on me for years.
Roz: [exhales] Thank God!
Daphne: What do you mean, "Thank God?"
Roz: I've been afraid for months I'd be the one to blow the secret.
Daphne: You mean you knew?
Roz: Well, everybody kinda did.
Daphne: And nobody said anything?
Roz: Well, if Niles wasn't ready to say anything, it wasn't our place to do it.
Niles: So, you want to build a two-master schooner...
Daphne: Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.
Niles: No, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.
Daphne: No, no, that's a brigantine.
Niles: Oh, you're right. Well, then what's a frigate?
Martin: That's when you just don't give a damn anymore!
[leaves]
Daphne: [Speaking about sex with Niles] ... and just when I thought I'd worn him out, he flips me over like a griddle cake and we were off again! I tell you he's spoiled me for any other man.
Roz: Niles? Frasier's brother Niles?
Frasier: Daphne, Dad. Everything alright here?
Daphne: Oh, yes Dr. Crane. Whatever this anguille is, it's perfectly smashing.
Frasier: It's our chef's specialty. The man can do things with eels you just wouldn't believe.
Martin: I arrested a guy for that once.
Victoria: You fake porned him?
Melanie: I fake porned him.
Joy: Why?
Melanie: I-I panicked. Emmet said men like enthusiasm, so I went a little overboard. I mean, I was like someone reviewing their own business on Yelp.
Victoria: You set the sex bar way too high.
Melanie: I know! And now he's going to expect fake porn Melanie every time; I'm going to be so busy putting on a show that I won't be able to relax and enjoy it.
Joy: And you can't go back; it's like tipping. Once you go thirty percent you can't go back to twenty. You have to fake your own death and find a new manicurist.
Daphne: Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?
Frasier: After you, my juicy wench!
Niles: "My juicy wench?"
[into phone]
Niles: No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait!
[to Frasier]
Niles: I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!
Joy: You know, about your earlier offer...
Rick: Oh, the one you so summarily rejected?
Joy: Yes. Well, things have changed and I need a green card right away, so here goes, I'm so desperate, I guess I will marry you. I'm sorry, that can't be how you pictured a proposal response.
Rick: No, that's exactly how I pictured it.
Roz: Oh, hey Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Roz. How are you?
Roz: Okay. Can I ask you something? Does Frasier seem weird to you?
Daphne: Oh, God yes.
Roz: I haven't even finished my question yet.
Daphne: Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the buzzer.
Daphne: [fleeing her wedding] I've never done anything this crazy. Are you nervous?
Dr. Niles Crane: Only that I'm going to wake up.
[after interviewing Daphne]
Frasier: Dad, what are you doing?
Martin: You wanted me to pick one, I picked one.
Frasier: But she's a kook, I don't like her!
Martin: Well, what difference does it make to you? She's only going to be here when you're not.
Frasier: Then... what's my problem?
[laughs]
Frasier: Daphne!
[Daphne emerges from the powder room]
Frasier: You've been retained.
Daphne: Oh, wonderful! I had a premonition.
Frasier: Quelle surprise.
Daphne: I'll move my things in tomorrow.
Frasier: Oh, move in? Oh, I'm sorry, there must be some misunderstanding. Er, this isn't a live-in position.
Daphne: Oh, dear. Well the lady at the agency...
Frasier: The lady at the agency was wrong; this is just a part-time position. I'm, I'm afraid it just won't work out.
Martin: [standing up] Hold on there, Frasier, let's talk about this!
Frasier: Dad, there's nothing to discuss!
Daphne: You two should talk about this. I'll just pop back in here and enjoy some more of your African erotic art.
[Daphne is about to go back in to the powder but Frasier stops her]
Frasier: Daphne, Daphne - I think it would be best if you leave.
Daphne: Oh well, alright then.
[heads for the door]
Frasier: Don't be alarmed. We'll contact you. If not by telephone, then through the toaster.
[Daphne leaves]
[Daphne is contemplating what it would be like to have a free lifetime's supply of muffins]
Daphne: Now me, I could eat a muffin a day, some days even two knowing they'd be free. So that'd be... ten a week, fifty-two weeks a year, for at least another... forty years, which works out to... Twenty thousand muffins!
[pause]
Daphne: My life suddenly seems long, measured in muffins.
Daphne: Where are we supposed to put all this? I cleared out two drawers; this'll fill two closets.
Niles: Well, we said we'd both bring whatever we needed for any eventuality.
Daphne: Isn't there anything you can leave behind?
Niles: I don't see how. I have formal, semi-formal, déshabille, wet weather, cold weather, cloudy. I mean, if there's something here you find excessive, jump right in.
[last lines]
Victoria: [about her commercial] OK, OK, it wasn't my classiest endeavor. But just remember, it's only airing in Japan. Oh, thank God!
[Victoria's: "Oh my God, is that Victoria Chase?"]
Victoria: It's probably my agent, calling to blow smoke up my - well, you know.
[Victoria leaves]
Joy: When do we tell her it's all over the internet?
Melanie: Oh, I know; I saw it too.
Elka: I posted it.
Daphne: I'm gonna live in your apartment!
Niles: Our apartment.
Daphne: Our apartment. Oh, my, I'm gonna have to practice saying that. "Let's go back to our apartment."
Niles: "Why don't we meet at our apartment?"
Daphne: "Oh, my, our apartment has a gas leak."
Niles: "Oh, no! Our apartment's going to explode!"
Daphne: "Oh, no! There goes our apartment."
[first lines]
Elka: Last season on Hot in Cleveland...
Joy: Let's just be positive.
Elka: How? They caught me red-handed with stolen Mafia loot.
Daphne: [meeting Honey] Well, we've both got sort of unusual names: Daphne Moon, Honey Snow. Come to think of it, if you married my father, your name would be Honey Moon.
Daphne: When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a dustbin?
Martin: You know, I was on a case once where the wife constantly nagged the husband like this. "You never put anything in the garbage. Why don't you ever put anything in the garbage?"
Daphne: Well, he should have listened to her.
Martin: Oh, he did. And that's where we found her!
Daphne: Ooh, I'm glad to be out of that black one. I had to take me undies off just to get the zipper up.
[Niles drops his glass]
Daphne: Are you all right?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes. I just jumped into bed with your mother.
Daphne: Oh, dear. No wonder she screamed.
Dr. Niles Crane: That wasn't her.
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, will you relax?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I can't, it's my last chance with Madeline! Serves me right, too, after the way I behaved in Bora Bora.
Dr. Niles Crane: You're being too hard on yourself, it was just bad luck. How were you to know that Lilith had arrived on the island?
Martin: Aside from the seas starting to churn and all the birds taking flight from the trees.
Daphne: Oh now, don't you worry, Dr. Crane. Miss Marshall's going to forgive you. Women always appreciate a man who's sensitive enough to try again. That's why they call us the "fair sex." All right then, let's go see some leaping Russian stags!
Daphne: [Frasier suspects Roz of squandering his loan, and wants to confront her] Excuse me, not to interrupt, but six months ago you borrowed forty dollars from me. We were at the wine shop, remember? You couldn't quite scrape together enough for a bottle of your precious Chateau Mr. Fussy-Pants? So I lent you the money. And have I said a peep about it since? No! I just sit here quietly reusing my tea bags while you trundle off to your private clubs ordering gourmet this and imported that! "Are the cigars Cuban?" "Are the Tulips Dutch?" "Oh, good news: my personal shopper just found a dozen antique pudding plates." Who has twelve people over for pudding? So you gave poor Roz a bit of money! It hasn't changed your life, has it, you sherry-swilling, foie gras- munching hypocrite?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I did repay you.
Daphne: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I paid for that parking ticket. Fifty dollars as I recall. It means you owe me ten.
Daphne: Oh, right. Well, I'm glad you said something. It's not good to let these things fester.
Daphne: [writing a letter] Mr. Crane, is the proper term "serial killer" or "serial murderer?"
Martin: Serial killer, why?
Daphne: Oh, just letting my old mum know what's going on in Seattle. She worries when she doesn't hear from me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [listlessly] Morning, Dad, Daphne.
Martin: Frasier, you sound awful!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [unconvincingly] It's just a little bug.
Daphne: But you can't be thinking of going to work! You're all pasty and clammy and pale!
Martin: And coming from an English person, that's bad!
Dr. Frasier Crane: You would think that in a city with this much rain that people would develop an etiquette about it, but no! They buy umbrellas that are too big for them, you have to walk into the street to get around them and then they drive too close to the curb so that you're sure to get splashed! And they wear brown shoes with white socks!
Daphne: What has that got to do with the rain?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Nothing! But I mean, really, get a fashion sense!
[first lines]
Melanie: Hey!
Elka: Oh, how was the farmers' market?
Melanie: Weird.
Joy: In L.A. a farmers' market means sushi, pâté and chilladas.
Victoria: This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.
Frasier: [having recovered from his back pain] Oh, Daphne, by the way, thank you for the massage, I think it did just the trick.
Daphne: Anytime, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Listen, just before I drifted off I'm afraid I might have said something I wish I hadn't.
Daphne: [worried] Yes?
Frasier: It's about Dad's chair, it may be comfortable but I still want to get it out of here.
Daphne: [slightly relieved but still tense] Oh, that...
Frasier: Why, I didn't say anything else I shouldn't have said, did I?
Daphne: [Nervously] Well... No, no. And don't worry.
[points at Martin's chair]
Daphne: Mum's the word!
[the doorbell rings]
Daphne: [sarcastically] I'll get it.
Frasier: Why, thank you.
[as Daphne goes to answer the door, Martin walks in to talk to Frasier]
Martin: Did you straighten things out with Daphne?
Frasier: Yes, I did.
Martin: Boy, that was a close one. I almost blew Niles's secret!
Frasier: In the future, would you try to be more discreet? I can't pull your chestnuts out of the fire every time!
[last lines]
Owen: Boy, kids are a lot of work.
Philipa: Owen, would you mind a bit of advice?
Owen: [uncertainly] Okay. Sure.
Philipa: When he gets older and makes mistakes, don't be too hard on him. Children aren't perfect, but they don't need to know that you know that. The world will tell him he has flaws. Try to be the one that looks at him with the... kindest eyes. It's getting a bit chilly. I need a sweater. Can I get you anything, Joy?
Joy: No, mom. I think I got everything I need.
Martin: [to lady] Excuse me! Would you take our picture, please? Niles, Frasier, come on up here! Okay, everybody, alright, here we go! Everybody ready? Now, what should we do?
Frasier: Well, how about this?
[Frasier puts his hands up and opens his mouth wide as if he's scared of the bear]
Martin: Yeah! That's great, I like that! Okay, everybody! Eddie?
Marvella: Now, before I take it, you know it's ten dollars Canadian.
Frasier: Oh, for a treasured memory like this, what's money?
[Everyone puts on their "scared" faces]
Marvella: Okay, one...
Daphne: [whispering] Why would she want Canadian dollars?
Marvella: Two...
Martin: Because we're in Canada.
Marvella: Three!
[Daphne screams in horror as Marvella takes the picture. Everybody looks at her as she steps forward off the photo platform]
Daphne: We're in Canada?
Martin: Yeah, we crossed the border a while ago, when you were taking a nap.
Daphne: But we can't be in Canada! I'm not allowed to leave the United States!
Frasier: Why?
Daphne: Because I don't have my green card yet! Oh, this is just perfect! Three months until my final interview, the one thing they told me not to do was to leave the country! And what do you do? Wait until the first time I fall asleep and drag me across the bleeding border! They're never going to let me back in!
Niles: They have to take you back, it's not your fault.
[Niles goes to comfort her]
Frasier: [to Martin] This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so hell-bent on getting so many miles under your belt today!
Martin: Well, you're the one who had to go where the wind blows!
Daphne: I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.
Frasier: You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.
Daphne: Well, I'm giving it a try. You know - "Elaine in 1410, come to dinner! Come to dinner!
Frasier: Well that's very charming, but Elaine's in 1412.
Daphne: Oh dear. I guess I'd better set another place at the table.
Martin: [to Frasier] Let me tell you something: a city's like a woman. You get one mad at you, it doesn't matter if you're completely right and she's completely wrong, you'll apologize anyway, or you'll be paying for it for the rest of your life.
Daphne: I'm not sure if I care for that analogy.
Martin: Oh gee, I'm sorry, Daphne, I was way out of line.
Daphne: [smiles] All right, you're forgiven.
Joy: I never told you this, but when I first came to America, I auditioned for the Rockettes. Huh. Only I froze. I couldn't get my legs into the air.
Elka: You sure got over that one.
Daphne: I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my make-up for the wedding.
Frasier: I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very life-like."
Joy: What's that stuff?
Melanie: It's *mock* macaroni and cheese. And the beauty of it: there's no macaroni, and no cheese.
Joy: Yes, nothing ruins macaroni and cheese like macaroni and cheese.
Victoria: I hate hardware stores.
Joy: Me too. It's all just stuff you need; nothing you ever want.
Martin: [Continuing his story as Roz and the Garretts come back inside] Well, the whole weekend was like that! Just one surprising event-
[Martin turns around and screams at the sight of the Garretts' large noses. Niles and Daphne once again have to suppress their giggles as Roz looks on nervously]
Steve: I-I'm sorry, did we startle you?
Martin: [regaining his composure] Oh, no, no, I-I didn't know we had company.
Frasier: Dad, Dad, this is Steve and Paula Garrett. They're Rick's parents, you remember Rick?
Martin: [shaking hands] Oh sure, yeah! Hi, how are ya? Nice to meet you, Marty Crane.
Roz: [after an awkward silence] Oh, they're just on their way to Paris to visit Rick.
Martin: Oh, yeah? That sounds like fun.
Paula: Yeah, I'm just a little nervous. I hear the Parisians can be kinda snooty.
[This time, Martin turns away as he tries to fight his own fit of hysteria with Niles and Daphne]
Daphne: [Fighting to keep her composure] Excuse me, I've got something in the oven.
Dr. Niles Crane: Let me help you.
Martin: Yeah, uh, me too!
[as they make their way into the kitchen, Niles, Daphne and Martin collapse with stifled, hysterical laughter]
Victoria: [comforting Melanie after telling her her date is married] Honey, what can we do?
Joy: Let's kill him!
Melanie: That's your solution to everything.
Joy: Well, could we just try it once?
Daphne: Excuse me? What kind of randy custom is that? First date, second date, whoops, let's all pitch our knickers? The third date might mean that to you Americans, but it takes more than three dates to get bangers and mash with Daphne Moon.
Daphne: [Annie is lying on Niles' bed] Annie!
Annie: Daphne!
Daphne: Didn't I tell you to leave Dr. Crane alone?
Annie: And now I see why! You wanted him all to yourself!
Daphne: I do not want him all to myself!
Annie: Oh, I see! It's a threesome you're after. Well, I don't do those anymore!
Daphne: You know, it's funny hearing you talk about "The Avengers." My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel. Head-to-toe in that skintight black leather catsuit. Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere, and Halloween's coming up.
Martin: Catsuit, huh?
[nods towards Eddie]
Martin: Better not let this guy hear you talking about that, he'll go nuts.
Niles: [indignant] I would not!
[sees Eddie]
Niles: ...be surprised if he did!
[pets Eddie]
Niles: Ho-ho-ho...
Daphne: What's wrong with Mrs. Crane?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, it's nothing serious. Cosmetic surgery. Her chin, her lips, her cheeks, her eyelids...
Martin: Maybe it'd be faster if you just told us what she's leaving alone.
Daphne: It's me love life.
Frasier: Really? You've been seeing a man?
Daphne: Only when I close me eyes and concentrate.
Joy: Thanks, Melanie. You're good at this. Bye.
Melanie: You know, I *am* good at this. I mean, when I'm just being myself. See, I was told I needed to be more folksy, more Honey Boo-Boo. But people like those shows because they're being themselves. So for the rest of Askageddon, I'm just going to be me, and I hope you like it.
[the board guy taps on the window and points to his watch]
Melanie: And that concludes Askageddon. I'll see you tomorrow, folks... I hope.
Daphne: Well, my theory on death is, first you're whisked down a long, dark tunnel towards a beautiful white light; you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle, and then you die.
Daphne: [to Niles] Hasn't your brother told you? Dr. Crane is going as Geoffrey Chaucer from "The Canterbury Tales," and I'll be dressed as the Wife of Bath!
Frasier: Yes, and a saucy little strumpet she is too!
Daphne: [laughing] Oh, you naughty rogue! We've been having quite a time talking to each other like that.
Martin: Yeah, it's been Ye Olde Laugh Riot around here.
[Niles paces back and forth on Frasier's balcony, swatting Frasier's ficus plant every time he passes it]
Daphne: What's Dr. Crane doing?
Frasier: He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
Daphne: I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman.
[Niles starts waving his arms around like a madman. Frasier lets him in]
Niles: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!
Daphne: So did Simon get you home all right after dropping my family at the airport?
Roz: Oh, yeah. He entertained the whole neighborhood trying to parallel park the Winnebago. The highlight was when he flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.
Martin: How many did he get? My record's five.
Daphne: I suppose he followed that up with some sort of clumsy advance?
Roz: Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost. Then he hit on my babysitter! She showed him why she's the star of her JV soccer team.
Daphne: You know, Mum claims he was dropped as a child. I think he was thrown.
Daphne: Eddie, let's go for another walk!
Martin: I thought you already walked him this morning?
Daphne: I did, twice.
Martin: He's gotta go again?
Daphne: No, actually I do!
[Martin and Frasier look askance]
Daphne: That didn't sound right. There's a very nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with his Labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again. Come on, Eddie!
[she tugs on his leash, Eddie doesn't move]
Daphne: He's just playing hard to get.
Frasier: I'm glad somebody is.
Daphne: Remember my friend, Rowena? She's much prettier since her surgery. You look at her face and you can't even tell where it used to be.
Frasier: A Hall and Oates tape. That rules you out, Dad. And it definitely rules out Niles.
Daphne: [in tears] Dr. Crane...
Frasier: Or does it? Perhaps the tape is just a red herring, meant to throw me off the scent. A psychological game. There's only one of you that would combat me on that level.
Daphne: I did it.
Frasier: Ah-ha!
Dr. Niles Crane: You can't say "Ah-ha". You thought it was me.
[last lines]
Joy: So, are you OK, Mel?
Melanie: Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good and you guys have a very early flight tomorrow, so please, just go to Paris and have a wonderful time.
Joy: I don't know. Somehow I can't seem to get excited about Paris any more. No Melanie.
Victoria: You know, Joy... instead of two weeks in Paris, we could spend two weeks in Cleveland; I mean, the Paris of Ohio.
Elka: No, that's Toledo.
Joy: So what should we do now?
Melanie: I say we go to that bar where the men think we're hot.
Elka: I'll drive!
Daphne: Besides, nobody could've had as horrendous an evening as I did. I got stood up. At a bat mitzvah! I waited there an hour. Oh, he left some lame excuse on the machine, but if he thinks he's got another chance with me, he's meshugge!
Frasier: [Roz enters in fancy evening dress. Daphne is to the side in a robe, she holds another dress] Oh, Roz! That's lovely!
Daphne: Oh! We have twenty minutes.
[both ladies start for Daphne's room]
Niles: What's going on?
Roz: There's a huge reception at the British Consulate tonight. Daphne got us tickets!
Daphne: [ladies continue toward Daphne's room] Who knows, Roz? You just may meet a charming British lord who'll make you a lady!
Niles: [to Frasier] At this point, I think it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne! As a subject of the British realm, does it make you feel uncomfortable to have your residence draped in the American flag? And if so, would you be willing to say that at a condo board meeting?
Daphne: Personally, I find it a cozy reminder of the land I dreamed of living in as a child.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [defeated] Off I go.
Frasier: Hi, Daph!
Daphne: Hey, I didn't expect to see you here. Niles said you were going out with Chelsea.
Frasier: Oh, yes, I just thought I'd stop by for a quick pick-me-up before I pick her up.
[He chuckles to himself]
Daphne: [deadpan] Does she laugh at that kind of stuff?
Frasier: You know, she does.
Daphne: Hold on to this one.
Frasier: I intend to.
Melanie: I love being Scarlet DeNeuve. You know that Scarlet got invited into the cockpit on the plane. And joined the Mile High Club.
Joy: You had sex with the pilot?
Melanie: Wait, that's what that means? I thought Mile High Club was when they gave you these little plastic wings.
Martin: Come on, we've gotta hurry up because the boys are taking us to Hoppy's Old Heidleberg tonight for dinner!
Daphne: Oh, great, German food. We whipped the Jerries twice this century and they still have the last laugh.
[about their shared childhood experiences with gym teachers]
Frasier: You know, perhaps getting to know Chelsea will help Niles to exorcise his demons and put them behind him.
Daphne: He's running out of room back there.
Daphne: Working down at the docks has always been a tradition for us Moons. My father worked on the docks, and me grandfather before him. All my brothers do. Well, except for my brother Billy. He came home one day, and announced he hated the smell of fish and was going to teach ballroom dancing. And he did. And he does. He's my mum's favorite. Dad mostly flicks the crust off his kidney pie at him.
Blaine: I guess it started with my car accident. I was driving drunk, which I had done one too many times. Oh, you know, it was a sign.
Daphne: From God?
Blaine: No, from the highway department. It said, "Lane Ends," and I just plowed right into it. The next thing I saw was a bright light and a tunnel.
Daphne: So, you had a near-death experience?
Blaine: No, it was a CAT scan.
[Daphne is talking up her friend Clare]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I thought by now that you would know my policy on fix-ups.
Daphne: She's pretty, she's lonely, and she's an underwear model.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So you do know my policy. Off we go!
[Niles helps out after Daphne sprains her wrist]
Niles: Oh, I'll get your beer, I'm just frosting the mug in the freezer the way Daphne does.
Daphne: I never frost your beer mug.
Martin: Oh, be quiet, will you? He's feeling very guilty and we have to help him work through it.
Daphne: That is just baloney, and you know it. Shame on you, taking advantage of your son, I don't know how you sleep at night.
Martin: Well, pretty good since he started putting a mint on my pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed.
Daphne: He never leaves me cocoa.
Martin: You have to fill out that little card.
Daphne: It was a good idea, taking Mum out today - helped take her mind off Dad.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yeah, although I'm not sure the zoo was the best idea. The sight of those amorous wolverines seemed to set her back a bit.
Daphne: Amorous? I thought they were trying to kill each other.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, either way, it seemed to remind her of something.
[first lines; Niles is playing the piano while Martin and Daphne sit down to breakfast]
Daphne: I love it when he plays the piano. No matter how gloomy it is outside, it makes everything seem a little brighter.
Martin: [digging in] I feel the same way about bacon.
Daphne: [handing out woolen hats for a Christmas card photo] Now the theme this year is "Santa's Workshop." Everybody put on your little elf hats.
Frasier: I am not putting this on my head. For God's sake, I mean, I'm a respected professional.
Martin: [wearing his] But if you don't, it'll look stupid.
Frasier: Oh, I think the ship has already sailed on that one.
Melanie: I wish there was some way we could call for help.
Elka: Oh, um, there's a fireplace. I learned to make smoke signals when I was a child.
Joy: Oh, did you learn that on your playdates with Sitting Bull?
Elka: What was your Indian name? Sleeps With Everyone?
[Frasier and Niles wonder why Martin invited them to Duke's Bar]
Daphne: Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons?
Niles: No. Duke's is where dad hangs out with his cop buddies. It's where he goes to escape the stresses, strains, and petty annoyances of everyday life.
Frasier: In other words, us.
Daphne: [to Frasier] You slept awfully late.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Mm, yeah, oh well, I was having the most distressing dream. I was climbing up a volcano that was spewing ice instead of lava.
Daphne: An ice volcano. Wonder what that could mean.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [noticing his answering machine is blinking] Oh, what's this?
[pushes the playback button]
Lilith: [on machine] Hello, it's Lilith.
Daphne: I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Martin: Who gets to lick the bag?
Daphne: No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready.
[She moves towards the door, stepping over the Santa mat]
Daphne: You know, to this day the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit. Bye, Merry Christmas.
Martin: Oh hi, Daphne!
Daphne: [brave smile] Hello! I'm just so excited about the gift I just got for you, Mr. Crane.
Martin: Oh, Great!
Daphne: Why don't you open it now?
Martin: Oh, I'd love to, but to tell you the truth, I don't really have much time, I'm kind of on my way out.
[Daphne starts to cry]
Martin: Oh, OK, all right! I'll open it now, sure, sure. I don't want to get you upset! You must be really excited about this!
Martin: [pulls gaudy sweater out of gift bag] Oh, wow! It's that sweater! The one I pointed out to you in that window! It's great! Boy, I can die a happy man now!
[Daphne bursts into tears]
Martin: Daphne, what's the matter, are you all right?
Daphne: Oh, Mr. Crane, I know why you've been going down to that church!
Martin: You do? Well, you're not supposed to know about that! But why is it making you so upset?
Daphne: Because I care about you! You were actually going to let this whole thing happen without ever telling a soul!
Martin: Well, yes! I don't want people staring at me in church, stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face.
Daphne: [He goes to get his coat. Daphne sinks onto the couch, crying] So... how much time have you got?
Martin: Uh, about twenty minutes.
Daphne: Twenty minutes?
Martin: Yeah, and boy, will I be glad when it's all over. This is the last Christmas pageant I'm ever signing up for!
Daphne: You're in a Christmas pageant?
Martin: Well, yeah! What did you think I was talking about?
Daphne: I thought you were dying!
Martin: What?
Daphne: Well, you'd just got your test results back, you're down at the church all the time.
[Martin starts to laugh]
Daphne: Why are you laughing?
Martin: Well, it's funny!
Daphne: I don't think it's so bloody funny!
Martin: Are you kidding?
[acts as if hanged]
Martin: Oh, I'm dying!
Daphne: You will be!
[hurls a pillow at him]
Dr. Frasier Crane: When you look at me, do you see me as a young man or an older man?
Daphne: Oh no, no you don't. You're not getting me into that Viet nam.
Daphne: And you know as well as I do that history is full of sexy limpers. For instance, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Of course he didn't limp so much as roll. Oh, I know, Toulouse Lautrec. Although he was rather a little person. Still, he did rather well with the ladies. Of course, they were all prostitutes. But then again, he was French and there's no explaining their taste.
Martin: What's your point?
Daphne: I guess I don't have one.
Daphne: [referring to Clive] Oh, we were mad for each other. He was very sweet and had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw.
Niles: But...
Daphne: Oh yes, that, too.
Joy: *He* wants to be the little spoon?
Melanie: Yes. Which makes me the big spoon!
Victoria: That's crazy!
Melanie: I know!
Elka: No woman should be the jet pack.
Victoria: Well, was the sex worth it?
Melanie: He did a couple of things; two that were good, one not so good. It's rare to find a man that's good at that, let's face it.
Daphne: You know, it's funny how much Eddie misses that bird of Dr. Crane's. This morning, a pigeon landed on the terrace. Eddie jumped up excited, ran over and started barking at it!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh yes, he does that all the time.
Daphne: No, no, this was a different sort of bark, like...
[excited]
Daphne: "You're not my bird! Don't fly over here and get my hopes up like that! You're not my bird!" It was silly and sad at the same time, you know?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [deadpan] Firsthand.
[while riding up in the elevator, Daphne waves toward the ceiling]
Frasier: What are you doing?
Daphne: Saying hello to Mr. Hicks in security.
Frasier: There's a hidden camera up there?
Daphne: Yes, but he said don't worry about it. He said lots of people pull down their pants to tuck in their shirts. Though he did recommend having that rash looked at.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Martin talk about his relation with Clare] So, you're going to see her again?
Martin: Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're not still feeling guilty, are you?
Martin: No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, well, I have a theory.
Martin: Geez!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Daphne enters and hears] No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy.
Martin: Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off!
Daphne: Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski?
Martin: [being sarcastic] Yes, I did, isn't that adorable?
Daphne: No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground.
Martin: You think that was wrong?
Daphne: You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed.
Martin: See, I told you, Frasier.
Daphne: We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by.
[getting carried away and confused]
Daphne: We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne?
Daphne: Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are.
[Daphne leaves to her room]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boy that was strange, wasn't it?
Martin: I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me!
[Martin gets up and gets his coat]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Where the hell are you going?
Martin: Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do!
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, Frasier, thank you so much for dinner.
Daphne: Yes, it was wonderful.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It was my pleasure. Dad, don't you have something to add?
Martin: [as he sits] I already said thank you for dinner. What am I supposed to do, get down on my knees and kowtow to your fancy-ass American Express card?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I was referring to the gift we have for them.
Martin: Oh! Right, I forgot about that. Yeah, and thanks for dinner, Fraizh, it really was excellent. I didn't think I'd like beef cheeks.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, yes! Dad, give them the gift.
[Martin gives them the gift]
Daphne: This is so exciting, our first wedding present.
[Niles opens it]
Daphne: It's a silver picture frame!
Dr. Niles Crane: Beautiful.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And nota bene, it's been engraved with today's date in order to commemorate your wedding date until your real gift arrives.
Daphne: It's very sweet. Thank you Mr. Crane and Dr. Crane.
Martin: Well, you can't call us that anymore. We're family now.
Daphne: [Realizing] So we are.
[she turns to face Fraiser]
Daphne: Well, thank you... Frasier. Oh, that feels strange.
[Daphne and Frasier share a laugh as he kisses her on the cheek]
Daphne: [she stands up at the same time Martin does] And thank you...
Daphne: Martin/Dad.
Daphne: Dad.
Martin: Or Martin. Whatever makes you comfortable.
Daphne: Oh, thank you Mr. Crane.
[Daphne kisses Martin on the cheek as they hug]
Martin: Don't mention it.
Daphne: [yelling out limo window on Bulldog's megaphone] Thank you, Pit Bull, I had a lovely time!
Daphne: I can't imagine what you must be thinking. Me barging in asking to stay the night...
Niles: Well, gee, I'm just thinking so many things.
Daphne: Well, isn't this ironic! All these years I've nagged him to make something of himself. And now look at him, a captain of industry, and still as handsome as ever.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, well, send in the clowns!
[Roz and Frasier enter from the balcony]
Dr. Niles Crane: Don't bother, they're here.
Daphne: You know, there's nothing we Brits like better than a grisly murder and a nice hot cup of tea.
Roz: This uncle of yours - does he dress like a woman all the time?
Daphne: No, certainly not for work. His congregation would never stand for it.
Daphne: Can we offer you a drink?
Sherry: Well, actually, since it's a special occasion, I brought some bubbly. Let's crack it open!
[tosses the bag containing a bottle to Niles]
Niles: Yes, why not? Oh look Frasier--Cold Duck!
Sherry: You ever had it?
Frasier: Just once!
Daphne: What happened to your hair?
Martin: Well, what do you think? I colored it, just like you told me to.
Daphne: Yeah, but this isn't cinnamon sable.
Martin: Well, I couldn't use that, it had a woman's picture on the box. So I used some stuff called "Color In a Can" instead. It said "As Seen On TV--just spray on and go." How did I know it was a lousy product?
Frasier: If only there had been some clue.
Daphne: Simon!
Simon: Hello, sis.
Daphne: I thought you were in California.
Simon: Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of town. So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely. 'Til they came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was about, I was the one in the tub! Where should I put this bag?
Dr. Frasier Crane: By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon: Right. I think I know everyone here.
[spots Roz]
Simon: Or do I? And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz: Simon, you low-life idiot! You made a date with me last week and you stood me up!
Simon: Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz: Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
[slams the door in his face]
Simon: Roz! Of course!
Frasier: Mrs. Greenway, there's no way Eddie could be the father - he's been neutered.
Mrs. Greenway: Well then, how do you explain these!
[hands Frasier a box of puppies]
Frasier: Oh my God! They're miniature Eddies!
Daphne: Oh, aren't they adorable!
Mrs. Greenway: I'm glad you think so, because they're yours!
Frasier: [to Eddie] Bad dog! Look what you've done!
Joy: [about her mother] What, so I'm just supposed to forgive her?
Reverend: We are pretty big on forgiveness here.
Joy: Well, can you recommend a church that's big on revenge? Because I want to go there.
[first lines]
Joy: Hey, everybody. Our group birthday is coming up, and I know *exactly* who I want to be fixed up with. I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
Elka: That could be half of Cleveland.
Joy: It's our poetry professor, Robin York. He's so spiritual and sensitive.
Melanie: Well, I want that guy that we met at the PetSmart Charities adoption thing; his name is Rex. Or maybe his dog's name is Rex.
Victoria: Well, now that I'm engaged, of course I don't need an actual date, which is a good thing, considering the freaks you guys have set me up with. Manboobs, conjoined twins, human tail!
Joy: Oh, come on, that last guy was perfect except for the tail.
Victoria: Did you hear what you just said? No no, this time I just want a business date; I really want a part in the next Wes O'Rourke movie.
Joy: The indie film director? He went to school with my film professor; I can make that happen.
Victoria: Excellent.
Mamie: [knocks and enters] Knock, knock. Look what I brought.
Joy: Oooh, breakfast wine.
Mamie: It's GLOB wine, which stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling... wine.
Melanie: Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling?
Mamie: That was our team. Nineteen sixty-two and sixty-three city champions.
Elka: We bought this wine and said we'd drink it together in fifty years.
Mamie: Only we lost track of the others.
Elka: That's what I want for my birthday: reunite the old gang.
Melanie: Well, I can do that. Who are they?
Mamie: [showing a GLOB poster] There's Elka and me. All we need to find is Diane, Angie and Peg.
Daphne: Will Mrs. Crane be coming?
Dr. Niles Crane: No, I'm afraid not. And please, no more of this Doctor and Mrs. Crane formality. To you, it's Niles and... uh...
Frasier: Maris
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, Maris.
Daphne: [Frasier and Martin are arguing about Daphne's date with Jimmy] Excuse me, gentlemen, but might I interject one tiny little thought into this conversation?
Frasier: Of course, Daphne.
Daphne: Belt up! Both of you! It may have escaped your notice, but I happen to be to a grown woman, and nobody has told me whom I might or might not date since I was schoolgirl, and I didn't listen then! Now, when I've quite made up my mind what I plan to do about Jimmy, I'll let you know. But right now, I'm going to my room. You two hens have wasted enough of my time.
[Daphne storms off]
Frasier: That would have been a very dramatic exit if only her room was down that hall.
Daphne: Oh for God's Sake, Dr. Crane.
[kisses him passionately]
Niles: I think you can call me Niles now.
Joy: What do you think, Simon?
Simon: I think you're confirming my worst fear that anything I do in bed will be analyzed and dissected by a pack of critical females.
Joy: *You* have nothing to worry about.
Elka: Yeah, we have no idea you're an uncut jewel.
Bob: This is our Mark.
Joy: Our mark. Huh. The best part of being a detective is getting to use the lingo.
Bob: Lingo? No, his name is Mark.
Joy: Ohhhh. So, Mark's our patsy.
Bob: No, Patsy's the wife.
Daphne: How was the opera?
Frasier: Lovely. Get out!
[turns off the TV]
Roz: Hey, that movie's not over!
Frasier: That's too bad, Roz. There's a stunning woman on her way over here, I don't want her thinking I'm running some kind of maudlin sorority house. Now come on, shake a leg!
Roz: You actually spoke to her? You didn't wimp out?
Frasier: You have never seen me so suave.
Roz: Oh, some Valentine's Day! First my date bails on me and now I owe Daphne fifty bucks!
Frasier: Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you into having the wedding she wants instead of the wedding you want.
Daphne: Oh, don't worry, Mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.
Daphne: I knew you were a good dancer, but I had no idea you were such a good actor!
Niles: Actor...?
Daphne: 'Daphne, you're a goddess. Daphne, I adore you.' We fooled everyone, didn't we?
Niles: We certainly did.
[finally realizing that Daphne's display of affection for him was an act]
Daphne: Why don't you tell me something about your day?
Dr. Niles Crane: Okay. Let me think.
[suddenly excited]
Dr. Niles Crane: I saw the best pair of driving gloves!
Daphne: You're so different from your brother.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really? How so?
Daphne: Well, for one thing... you're alive.
[they both laugh]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I can't believe there are still people who blame me for Niles's death.
Daphne: Oh, people will talk about anything. So you sliced him to ribbons with your wheat thresher. It was your first time farming, for God's sakes.
Daphne: [Niles has just told her he loves her] Dr. Crane, you shouldn't say such things.
Niles: It's the truth. Lord knows, I have tried to deny it, tried to pretend that I am over you, but not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. Your smile, your beautiful eyes, what it would be like to hold your hands and ask you the question I never dared ask!
Donny: [entering suddenly] What's the difference between a blister and a boil?
[last lines]
Niles: Fasten your seat belt, Daphne.
Daphne: Fasten yours, Niles.
Daphne: Oh, I think these biscuits are mismarked.
Clerk: No, that's correct.
Daphne: $14.99 for that little tin?
Clerk: Oh I see we have another member of the PRICE CLUB!
Daphne: I can get these for 80p back home.
Clerk: You realize I had to fly them over.
Daphne: What'd you do, buy them a seat on the Concord?
Daphne: You'd think with all your dozens and dozens of men, you could at least leave one for me.
Roz: Dozens? Did you tell her that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well forgive me for keeping track.
[Daphne learns about Niles's one-night stand with Lilith]
Daphne: With Lilith?
Niles: I was drunk.
Daphne: Yeah, you'd have to be, wouldn't you?
[realizes]
Daphne: Oh, sorry Frasier.
Frasier: Oh no, drinking definitely took the edge off.
[last lines]
Daphne: [Niles is holding a woman's phone number. Daphne approaches, coat in hand] Well, are you ready?
Niles: [looking at the card] No, I don't think I am.
Daphne: [He drops it on the table] I beg your pardon?
Niles: Er, I mean yes. Uh, let's go.
Daphne: [She takes his arm, and they start to leave the room] Well, we certainly had fun tonight, didn't we?
Niles: [laughing wryly] We certainly did.
Daphne: And to think you almost didn't come to the ball! You know, it's such a shame when people let fear stop them from trying new things.
Niles: [pauses and removes Daphne's arm from his] Excuse me.
[Turning back to the table, he picks up the card, puts it in his jacket pocket, returns to Daphne's side and offers his arm. He smiles]
Niles: I'm ready now.
[They leave]
Dr. Niles Crane: [looking at the monitor on Daphne's computer] What is this, Daphne?
Daphne: I'm chatting online with Donny. Oh, what's he saying?
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish cwumpet." Apparently he has some sort of typing impediment.
Roz: Okay, so who is she?
Daphne: Who's who?
Roz: Niles' patient.
Daphne: All right. I saw one of his files by mistake. The woman is madly in love with him.
Roz: So who is she?
Daphne: Her name is Heather Murphy.
Roz: Heather, huh? That's trouble. What else do you know?
Daphne: Well, that's it. I only got a quick look at the file.
Roz: So what are you gonna do?
Daphne: Nothing. Niles said he can't talk about his patients, so... what choice do I have? I should trust him.
Roz: If I found out some babe was after my guy, I would have to know everything about her. What she looks like, her profession, what she's being treated for.
Daphne: Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
Roz: What if she's a sex addict?
Daphne: You can be treated for that?
Roz: So they say.
Reno: Seriously, do you have the rings?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, no. In my rush to get here, I completely forgot about them.
Daphne: Does this mean we can't get married?
Reno: It would, if we didn't offer seven different wedding band packages for you to choose from. Now, depending on your budget, we can offer you anything from the "B-Steel My Heart," that's genuine stainless right there, to the "Never Ending Love," which can be returned for up to 90 days, no questions asked.
[after Niles tells Frasier that Maris is asleep on his bed, under the coats]
Daphne: Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris.
Guest: Where should I put this coat?
Niles: Just throw it on the bed.
Frasier: I'm going to have to make myself a nice thermos full of coffee and get down to that library.
Martin: Oh Frasier, what do you think you're gonna learn in one night?
Frasier: Just enough to ask some informed questions, Dad. I may not have a 156 IQ, but I'm a quick study. Daphne, is there something wrong with this coffee pot?
Daphne: You have to plug it in!
Frasier: Well there, you won't have to tell me that again!
Joy: Stupid glue. I can't get this wine-glass out of my hand.
Elka: Well, that's how you look eighty percent of the day anyway.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh come on, Schnookums. We can get through this together.
Daphne: What did you just call me?
Dr. Niles Crane: Schnookums.
Daphne: Schnookums.
Dr. Niles Crane: It was an attempt at a pet name.
Daphne: Well, if it's all the same to you, can we keep looking?
Dr. Niles Crane: Absolutely, there's no rush whatsoever... Truffles.
[awkward pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: It's the chocolate, not the fungus.
[another pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: It's a work in progress.
Daphne: Yes.
Daphne: I can't remember when I've had a better time. I'm on Cloud Nine!
Niles: I'd have to look down to see Cloud Nine!
[first lines]
Victoria: [a police siren is heard approaching] Huh. Wonder what that's about.
Elka: [entering] I'm not here.
Joy: Wait. The police are looking for you?
Elka: [the siren fades into the distance] What police?
Simon: All right, don't forget to wake me for dinner, will ya?
Daphne: I woke you for lunch, didn't I?
Melanie: What *is* all this stuff? I feel like I'm in 'The Goonies'.
Victoria: Wow! Is this stuff real?
Joy: Is that a tiara? Who *are* you?
Elka: I'm Anastasia, the last surviving member of the Romanov dynasty.
Melanie: You are?
Elka: No, but I've always wanted to say that.
Victoria: Is all of this yours?
Elka: No, it's stolen.
Joy: Oh my!
Melanie: What?
Elka: [picks up a knife] And now I'm going to have to *kill* you!
[grins]
Elka: I've always wanted to say that, too.
Martin: Well, my vote sure goes for Cassandra.
Daphne: Oh, you would say that. Any young woman who shows you any attention, you're ready to sign over your pension check. I think he should go for Faye.
Martin: Oh Faye, Faye, if he wants some boring, artsy-fartsy conversation, he's got Niles.
Sean: Are you a Star Trek fan?
Joy: I've actually never seen a Star Trek movie.
Sean: Wow. We're going to change that tonight. I'm going to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Elka: Unlikely.
Martin: She's invited me to her place tomorrow night. I guess my little hard-to-get plan really paid off.
Daphne: Yes, you should really write a book; "How To Get A Date In Two Easy Years."
Daphne: Snow Ball? Sounds very glamourous.
Martin: I didn't know you could dance!
Niles: Oh, I can't.
[Realizes]
Niles: Oh, dear. You don't think she'll want me to? I've taken Maris to dozens of these things, she's never once asked to dance. Of course, Maris dislikes public displays of rhythm.
Daphne: [Frasier walks in just after Niles zipped his tie into Daphne's dress] I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr Crane to death.
Niles: Well, we all have to die of something.
Daphne: [reading a letter] "Dear Dr. Crane, we have polled the building. The election is yours, good work. Signed, Anonymous." But wouldn't this be more anonymous if it didn't say, "From the desk of Dr. William M. Dorfman"?
Frasier: Yes, well, now you see why they need me.
Dr. Honey Snow: I have something I want to give you.
Frasier: Oh?
Dr. Honey Snow: It's a manuscript of my upcoming book.
Frasier: Oh. Another one? So soon?
Dr. Honey Snow: I hope you like it Frasier. Because if you do, I'd love for you to write the foreword.
Frasier: Me?
Niles: Who better?
Frasier: Well, actually there's so many other people that would be more qualified to write for such an important work.
Dr. Honey Snow: Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't want to do it.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a great honor.
Daphne: I'll say. The last book had an introduction by Mickey Rooney.
Martin: [after Mel has left] Well, that's a blessing. Now we can enjoy our breakfast.
Roz: I doubt it. I was only allowed to make a cheese-free, mushroom-free, fat-free frittata, thanks to the girl in the plastic bubble!
Daphne: I think I'll order a pizza.
[Daphne gets up from the couch and takes phone into kitchen]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I have half a mind to say something to Niles, he is making a terrible mistake with that woman!
Martin: Frasier!
Dr. Frasier Crane: But Dad, it is Maris all over again! She's dominating him, emasculating him!
Martin: Look, I don't like her anymore than you do and God knows we've been through this before. I didn't like Lilith, we both didn't like Maris and you boys sure as hell didn't like Sherry, but what good did it do talking about it?
Dr. Frasier Crane: But he's repeating a terrible pattern.
Martin: Well he's going to repeat it whether you like it or not. And if you say anything, you're just going to drive a wedge between you. So, nobody's going to say a word!
Niles: I can't read minds you know, and by the way, neither can you.
Daphne: Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?
Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking.
Martin: This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting my name on your stuff.
Frasier: Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance?
Martin: It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.
Niles: I don't want it.
Daphne: Well, don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.
Martin: Oh hi, Daphne. This is Daphne Moon, these are my friends, Linda, Frank, Jimmy.
Frank: Very pretty name. Do people call you Daffy for short?
Daphne: Not twice.
Daphne: [at Frasier's apartment, in front of Kate Costas] Eddie! What's that on your chin? Have you been into the garbage again? You bad boy!
Daphne: How much longer do we have stay?
Martin: What are you in such a snit about?
Daphne: This lot. Thanks to your sister-in-law, they're all sniggering about me being your "physical therapist."
Martin: Oh, don't let it bother you. She's always been a pain.
Daphne: You're telling me. Dried-up old grape leaf!
Martin: Yeah, and she's one to talk about reputations, too. Between you and me, before she married my brother, she was easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich.
Daphne: [to Sherry] You know, I keep meaning to ask, what's that lovely perfume you're wearing?
Frasier: Yes, I've been wondering that myself.
Sherry: It's called Milady's Boudoir. You wouldn't believe what a bargain it is. For a hundred bucks, I can buy enough to drown myself in.
Niles: [to Frasier] I've got 60.
Frasier: Yeah.
Niles: I've got to get a new divorce lawyer. Claude is clearly no match for Maris's team.
Daphne: Real sharks, are they?
Niles: When we were courting I sent Maris a Valentine that said, "You're the girl my heart adores, everything I have is yours." Now they're calling it a pre-nup.
Dr. Niles Crane: [Niles advises Daphne against listening to her vision] Do you understand?
Daphne: [hiding her tears] Yeah, you're just like your brother after all. This afternoon you were just humoring me, weren't you?
Dr. Niles Crane: No, Daphne.
Daphne: Look at the idiot from Manchester, she thinks she has visions!
Dr. Niles Crane: No, no, all I'm saying is that I think there are psychological issues here that you just don't entirely appreciate.
Daphne: Well, how could I? I'm just some nut who believes in fate. Well, I've always followed my visions and
[swelling up in the eyes]
Daphne: your pity's not going to change that.
Daphne: Would you like steak or salmon at my wedding ? oh, and by the way, I think I might be in love with you!
Daphne: Sex. That's your answer for everything. It's like you're part rabbit. People ought to rub your feet for luck.
Dr. Niles Crane: Hello, Daphne, Sherry.
[to waitress]
Dr. Niles Crane: Double latte, please.
[sits]
Dr. Niles Crane: Is Frasier with you?
Sherry: No, he's out shopping for your dad.
Dr. Niles Crane: That jackal!
[Niles races out of the café. A minute later, Frasier comes in]
Daphne: Dr. Crane, did you find something?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect!
Sherry: Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles was here?
Sherry: Yes, but you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad he just shot out of here like a bullet...
Dr. Frasier Crane: That little worm!
[Frasier grabs his shopping bag and exits]
[Though it's October 21st, Martin and Daphne decorate the apartment for Christmas, to take the picture for their cards]
Daphne: [looking at the tree] Oh, it's lovely.
Daphne: [singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...!
[Frasier comes in from his nap]
Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me... exactly how long have I been asleep?
Daphne: Instead of playing games, why don't you just try talking to her?
Dr. Frasier Crane: We tried talking when we were married. We found we were better at playing games.
Frasier: [after Niles has failed to reconcile Daphne's parents] Niles, I'm sorry things didn't work out.
Martin: Well, she can't say you didn't try.
[Daphne enters the apartment]
Dr. Niles Crane: Hello.
Daphne: Hello.
[Awkward silence]
Frasier: Well, uh, Dad, why don't we go into your bedroom? I want to show you how to use the closed captioning on your TV so you won't have to have it up so loud at night.
Martin: Yeah, sure.
[Frasier and Martin head for the bedrooms, leaving Daphne and Niles alone]
Dr. Niles Crane: Your dad's here in your room, leaving you a note. How's your mom?
Daphne: Apparently there's nothing left for her in England, so she's thinking about putting down roots here.
[Daphne sits down on the couch]
Dr. Niles Crane: [kneeling next to Daphne] Daphne, from the bottom of my heart...
Daphne: Niles, it's been a very trying day. Could we talk about this later? I'll drive Daddy to the airport.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'll move his suitcase to your car.
[Niles exits just as Harry comes back from Daphne's room]
Harry: There you are. Well, back to England, then.
Daphne: Yes. No chance of you and Mum getting back together?
Harry: Don't think so, love. Not this time.
Daphne: Maybe if you give it another chance. You could...
Harry: Daphne - I'm sorry. It's over. Has been for a long time! I mean, I've got no complaints, I got something wonderful out of it: you!
[Harry sits down next to Daphne on the couch and hugs her]
Daphne: If you don't love each other, why did you stay together for forty years? Through all the fighting and the screaming and the hitting?
Harry: That was for you kids.
Roz: Daphne, Simon's opening your gifts.
Daphne: Bloody hell!
[runs out]
Simon: Roz, you little snitch! You know, I'm having serious doubts about whether you're going to be the future mother of my children.
Roz: Somewhere out there, the future mother of your children just lifted her head from a puddle of drool.
Simon: Yeah, but I'll bet she's got a ripper body!
Daphne: He really is sick.
Martin: Hey, you want to talk sick? World's Fair, 1962. The Tilt-A-Whirl was right next to A Little Piece of India.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I wanted you to know that I am just completely devastated by what happened.
Daphne: It's all right, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's just that when I advised you to have a chat with Niles, I had no idea that he'd run off and get married.
Daphne: I know you're concerned for me, but I'm fine. I thought about it all last night and I realize that what I was feeling was just wedding jitters. I do love your brother, but I'm in love with Donny.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're not just putting on a brave face?
Daphne: No. I'm a bit embarrassed now, making you worry for no reason...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, it's all right, Daphne. It's what I do
Daphne: You've always been such a wonderful friend. In fact,
[takes the '45 Petrus out of her bag]
Daphne: I brought this for the honeymoon, but I'd like you to have it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Daphne, I couldn't.
Daphne: No, Donny and I aren't wine drinkers.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I wouldn't dream of it, really.
Daphne: All right then, I'll keep it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, now I've hurt your feelings. Here...
[Frasier takes the wine bottle as he and Daphne laugh]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh gosh, Daphne. I tell you what: I promise that when I do drink this, I'll be thinking of you.
Daphne: Oh, come here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Daph...
[Frasier and Daphne hug]
[first lines]
Joy: Say 'Nana'. Say 'Nana', Wilbur, 'Nana'.
Elka: It's official. Men of *all* ages ignore you.
Joy: Look, some of the other babies in Wilbur's play group have already started talking. Actually, I was getting a little embarrassed so I knocked a few months off his age.
Mamie: You lied about a baby's age?
Victoria: Ah, I wish my mother had done that for me. But, no... I'm a self-made thirty-something.
Daphne: I'm off to the Book Nook. Dr. Snow is signing copies of her new bestseller.
Martin: Hey, wait a minute! You're going out? What about my whirlpool therapy?
Daphne: Oh, right. I forgot. Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane. It's right around the corner from the station.
Frasier: I would sooner attend a hoedown.
Niles: I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.
Frasier: You don't want to be late for the ballet.
Martin: I do. When those ballet guys start flying around in those tight pants, I don't know where to look.
Daphne: That reminds me, I've got to bring me binoculars.
Martin: I'm excited for you, Daphne. Takes me back to when I had my kids. So, what are you hoping for, boy or girl?
Daphne: Oh, I don't know. Be kind of nice to have a boy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier is showing off his new hand towels to Niles] Niles, just look at the edging on this.
Dr. Niles Crane: Have you ever? Have you ever? And look, this is all hand-stitched.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Mm-hmm!
Daphne: Or a girl. Either way.
Melanie: I thought you guys were supposed to be getting along.
Joy: We tried all morning not to snipe at each other, and knowing we can't snipe at each other only made us snipe at each other more.
Melanie: Well, you can't run away from the problem.
Joy: The problem is 92 years old; I think I can.
Melanie: You *know* Johnny Revere!
Victoria: Every inch of him. One night he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a back-stage pass to the best six months of my life.
Joy: Then why is he a bastard?
Victoria: Because, half-way through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.
Melanie: Wait, isn't that an Eagles song?
Victoria: Never tell Don Henley anything in confidence when you're doing shots.
Martin: Why don't you just use the punch bowl?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Because then it wouldn't be wassail, it would be punch.
Martin: What's the difference?
Daphne: Me dad used to say that punch would make you want to kiss the donkey in the manger scene and wassail makes you want to check it into the inn.
Donny: Anybody else want something from the bar?
[to the bartender]
Donny: Uh, Scotch, rocks.
Daphne: Donny, it's barely noon!
Donny: Isn't that when your mom said she'd be here?
Daphne: Give him a double.
Daphne: Roz, aren't you going to eat your quiche?
Roz: Are you kidding? It'd be like pulling the rip cord on my thighs...
[looks at it wantonly]
Roz: it's all cheese, and butter, and pastry...
Daphne: And bacon,
[takes it off her plate]
Daphne: sure you don't mind?
[last lines]
Joy: Hey, if we didn't depress George, we didn't do anything wrong. We can go back to the way things were. Go on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee, you old biddy.
Elka: Coffee with a tart. Sounds good to me.
[Daphne enters with a horrid hairdo, sobbing]
Daphne: Tell me the truth: Is it as bad as I think it is?
Frasier: [carefully] How bad do you think it is?
Daphne: [to Martin] Not too limber with Sherry this evening, were we? Two hips but no hooray?
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Lilith] How was your time in Bora Bora? I've never seen you look so tan.
Daphne: My God, what must she look like in winter?
Dr. Niles Crane: I know it's difficult, but once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want. Paris, Florence, Rio.
Daphne: How about my room to fold laundry?
Dr. Niles Crane: I hear it's lovely this time of year.
Daphne: [interrupting Martin who's been complaining about a game on TV] Shh! Quiet! This is my favorite commercial!
Daphne: [yelling at the TV] No! Don't pick that floor cleaner, it'll give your floors waxy build-up!
Daphne: [still yelling at the TV] No! Don't do it! Don't do it! - D-oh-h
[Martin rolls his eyes]
Victoria: Oh, Lord, Hailey Nash! All those dreadful female empowerment songs.
Joy: Her music takes me back to a time when music sucked.
Reno: You may exchange rings as a symbol of the promises you've made here today.
[Niles and Daphne put the rings on each other's fingers]
Reno: By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, county of Washoe and the all-new Lucky 7 Resort and Casino, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife. Good luck!
[the officiant presses a button and the recorded sounds of church bells are heard. He starts to leave, but pauses at the chapel door]
Reno: Hey, don't forget to check out our topless buffet.
[He leaves]
Dr. Niles Crane: [shouting] He never said "You may kiss the bride."
Daphne: [Also shouting] You may kiss the bride.
[Niles and Daphne embrace and kiss]
Daphne: Well, at least they'll be in a good mood when they come out. There's nothing like make-up sex.
Frasier: Daphne, please, Sherry and dad don't have make-up sex.
Daphne: Well of course, they're probably at it right...
Frasier: Daphne, please. I have to sleep at night. My dad and Sherry do *not* have sex!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm previewing a new Benjamin Locklear exhibit and then I'm having dinner with the artist afterward. Promises to be a very exciting evening!
Daphne: And what lucky lady are you sharing it with?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I'm going alone.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, don't be. Truth is, I'm a pretty terrific date. I know when to arrive, I know when to call it a night, and frankly, I always leave myself wanting more.
[He exits, smiling]
Daphne: [Niles mistakenly jumped into bed with Daphne's mother] What were you doing in there?
Dr. Niles Crane: I just... wanted to... take my wife into my arms and show her how much I love her.
Daphne: [excited] Are you sure you're ready?
Dr. Niles Crane: Trust me. If my heart can take that, it can take anything.
Daphne: I'm studying for my citizenship exam. It's about time I became am American like everyone else.
Dr. Frasier Crane: If you were like everyone else, you wouldn't know any history.
Daphne: Niles made me cabbage with me ossu buco last night. If I knew it burned fat, I would have had a fourth helping.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, we do have leftovers.
Daphne: No we don't.
Dr. Niles Crane: But he says he's happy!
Daphne: Isn't that what you would have said too before your brother helped bring us together?
Dr. Niles Crane: That's my point exactly, let's start calling babes!
Joy: What's going on here? I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.
Elka: I did. But then Nick asked me to dance, and one thing led to another...
Victoria: You cheated on Max?
Elka: Twice! First a waltz, and then a polka!
Victoria: But that's it? You danced?
Elka: A *polka*! The Polish forbidden dance of love!
Daphne: [blows a duck call to break up the men's arguing] It doesn't matter who's to blame. I am STUCK here!
Niles: I'm sure if we just took you to the consulate and you explained the situation, they'd be understanding.
Martin: Oh grow up, Niles, she doesn't have a chance, they'll throw the book at her. There's only one thing to do, we'll sneak her back across the border.
Niles: We can't do that, that's smuggling!
Martin: [sarcastically] Oh thanks, Niles, I knew it was something bad guys did, I just didn't remember what it was called.
Owen: You seem like a decent guy now, but it's hard to get over all those awful things you've done.
Simon: Abandoning your mother.
Owen: Yeah. And the drug dealing. And the arson.
Simon: What! I never did those things!
Joy: When I first met Owen, I may have told him a few white lies, so he'd hate you as much as I did. Plus, I'd just shot him, and I wanted him to be on *my* side.
Simon: You *shot* him?
Owen: You lied to me!
Joy: Hah, look at us. Oh, we may have just met, but we already have a lot of baggage. We *are* a real family.
Frasier: Daphne, what are you doing?
Daphne: [Shaking a pair of Frasier's boxer shorts] Fluffing your knickers.
Frasier: Look, I appreciate everything you are doing, Daphne, but a man's knickers are certainly...
[snatches them from Daphne and rubs them against his cheek]
Frasier: Oh! Oh! How do you get them so soft?
Daphne: Fabric softener and twice through the fluff cycle!
[Hands them back to Daphne]
Frasier: Oh, well, keep up the good work!
[cooking with Daphne]
Niles: Whisk.
[she hands it to him, he whisks]
Niles: Spoon.
[she hands it to him, he stirs]
Niles: Cheese cloth.
[she wipes his brow; the oven pings]
Niles: Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven.
[he places it in the oven]
Niles: Ready.
Daphne: Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Please.
Daphne: Do you think it'll be all right?
Niles: It's out of our hands now, Daphne.
Martin: [to Niles] Oh, look! A picture of you in your first Little League uniform.
Daphne: Was that your game face?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, no, no. I'd just lost a tooth to an errant pitch.
Martin: Tell her who pitchin'.
Dr. Niles Crane: I was.
Daphne: I haven't had this much fun in the kitchen since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine.
Frasier: Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne. Daphne this is Tom Duran.
Tom: [shaking hands] Pleasure to meet you.
Daphne: Likewise. Oh, Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat!
Frasier: Oh, sorry.
Daphne: May I?
[Tom turns around. As Daphne takes his coat, she turns to Frasier and mouths, "HE'S GORGEOUS! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!"]
Dr. Niles Crane: Morning, gang.
Daphne: How's my natural man?
Dr. Niles Crane: Mmm, as hungry as I am hairy.
[kisses her]
Claire: No kidding, that goatee sure came in fast.
Dr. Niles Crane: I know. I credit the hothouse atmosphere of this tropical paradise - that and our nearly constant nudity. Gone is the citified dandy of just last week. In his place stands a feral Caliban, a sandy-bottomed Dionysius, a lusty, insatiable... ooh, scones!
Daphne: [to Frasier] I want you to know that your assertiveness inspired me. For weeks now, some louse has been removing my wet clothes from the washer and leaving them on the table in a soggy mess. This morning, I decided to get my revenge. So I took off my new red panties and I popped them in with his whites.
Dr. Niles Crane: Bravo, Daphne. Good for you. God, I wish I'd been there.
Frasier: Daphne, don't you think you were overreacting just a bit?
Daphne: Absolutely not. Those were my panties and I wasn't afraid to use them!
[Niles bites down on his fist]
Dr. Niles Crane: Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater, and he responded by pelting our door with eggs.
Gertrude: Yeah, but I got the little monster back, by putting a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob!
Dr. Niles Crane: You said you'd put an end to it!
Gertrude: Hence the Vaseline.
Daphne: Mum, he's a child!
Gertrude: Well, it's time he learned you don't mess with Gertrude Moon without incurring my wrath. Now, excuse me, I require cocoa.
Daphne: I met a boy in a cute way once. I was 18 and visiting Stonehenge and a dashing young man came up to me and told me he was an actual descendant of the Druids.
Frasier: Boy, is that the one place that line would work.
Daphne: Dr Crane, can I ask a favor? What are you doing for the next ten nights? Because my...
Niles: Yes.
Daphne: I mean I have been keeping myself on the shelf lately. I'm feeling a little like the good china.
Niles: Someone should be eating off you every day.
Frasier: [has everyone tell him his faults] Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne: Pretentious.
Frasier: Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
Roz: Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier: Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz: And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier: A tad loquacious.
Martin: Pretentious.
Frasier: Dad, I already wrote that down.
Martin: Underline it.
Niles: Oh, snippy.
Daphne: Sarcastic.
Martin: Bossy.
Niles: Huffy.
Roz: Vain.
Frasier: Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!
Martin: Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Niles: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Niles: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Wrong list, Daph.
Donny: Oh! You found your ring.
Daphne: What... you knew it was gone?
Donny: Well, Daphne, when your fiancée gives you a hug with a chicken on her hand, then bells go off.
Daphne: Well, Dr. Crane, if you'd like a feminine point of view: just shut your bloody cakehole and go!
[first lines]
Victoria: Well, thank God Wilbur's present arrived from France in time for his birthday. What did you always dream of having when you were a little girl growing up in Poland?
Elka: Food.
Victoria: But a close second must have been... an eighteenth century beaux arts marionette theater.
Joy: Oh no, the instructions are in French.
Elka: What's French for 'puppets are creepy'?
[Victoria has picked up a puppet]
Elka: It looks just like you.
Joy: There is a resemblance.
Victoria: What? This freakish creature looks nothing like me.
Melanie: [Melanie enters] Hey, where'd you get the Victoria puppet?
Martin: Whew! I think I need more comfortable shoes. My dogs are killing me.
Daphne: Pardon?
Martin: My dogs. My feet. What do you call them in England?
Daphne: Well, we mostly call our body parts by their rightful names. Except my uncle Harold. He named parts of his anatomy after the royal family. He walked on the Queen's Pins, he sat on the Duchess of Kent. He was quite a jolly fellow. That is, until Aunt Kate caught him introducing the Prince of Wales to a cocktail waitress.
[Niles, Martin, and Daphne go to a basketball game]
Martin: Wow. Right on the hardwood, five feet from the baseline.
[Niles chuckles, then turns to Daphne]
Daphne: It's like front row orchestra, stage right.
Martin: Man, we're so close we're gonna get our teeth rattled when they center-pick.
[Niles turns to Daphne]
Daphne: It's like sitting close enough to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.
[the buzzer goes]
Niles: What the hell was that?
Martin: That's the end of the shooter round. The coach is about to send the starting five in for the tip-off.
[Niles turns to Daphne]
Daphne: The stage manager just called places.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now all I have to do is make this relatively simple shot--unless of course you'd like to concede defeat.
Daphne: [laughs] That's typical American arrogance. We Brits don't know the meaning of the word "defeat!"
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh really! Then I suppose you're not acquainted with that little spat we refer to as the Revolutionary War!
Daphne: Thanks for what you said about me, though I haven't been completely wonderful.
Niles: No. You've been irritable and you made me sleep on the couch.
Frasier: That's the stuff, Niles. Doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest.
Niles: Oh stuff it, Mr. Malaprop. Family spokesman? The Manson family should have a spokesman like you.
Martin: Sounds like it's from someone who dumped you.
Daphne: Well, that's no short list now, is it?
Martin: You know, maybe it's that Sonja woman he was going out with.
Daphne: Wasn't there a sister, too?
Martin: And a niece!
Niles: Oh, yes, he went through that family like a recessive gene.
Daphne: Darling, I just don't think you need an ankle holster when you don't even own a gun.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, first of all, who says it's for me, Miss I-Never-Surprise- You-Anymore? And second of all, I'm thinking I might own a gun soon.
Daphne: No, you won't.
Dr. Niles Crane: No, no, no, don't worry. I, I would keep the gun in a locker at the shooting range. I would never have a gun in the same house as your mother.
[last lines]
Melanie: So, Elka, when are you going to make it official?
Elka: Oh, that's over. We started having problems.
Melanie: What happened?
Elka: Well, we got along fine but... he wouldn't go downtown. If you know what I mean.
[the three girls are stunned]
Elka: What! I mean there are so many good restaurants and, and shops downtown.
[the three laugh, relieved]
Elka: I can't give that up!
Victoria: Why should you?
Elka: [going to answer the door] What did you think I was talking about?
Joy: So you meant shops.
Melanie: Nothing, nothing at all.
Carl: Hi.
Elka: M-Max.
Elka: Listen, Elka, I don't want to lose you, so if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.
Elka: You are?
Carl: Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.
Elka: Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.
Carl: It's just that it's so dark and scary there.
Melanie: Happy birthday.
Joy: Happy birthday.
Victoria: Happy birthday.
Daphne: This is for you, from the DMV.
Martin: Oh-ho, I know what this is, the custom plates I ordered for my Winnebago!
[holds them up]
Martin: Yay! Well, fifty bucks, but I think it says it all.
Frasier: "Erd... whirr-er"?
Daphne: "Rid Worry-er"?
Frasier: "Red Wearer"!
Martin: Oh, for God's sake! "Road Warrior!"
Daphne: Of course! For a retired man with a cane and a Winnebago, I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it.
Daphne: I've done some calculating, and in the last nine years, I've carried 2.8 tons of laundry approximately 106.4 miles back and forth to the basement. That's the same as carrying an SUV on my back to Canada!
Martin: Maybe we should ask him to buy a washer-dryer.
Daphne: Oh, there's an idea! I was going to suggest moving the apartment closer to the laundry room.
[last lines]
Joy: I need to stop being so desperate. If Simon gets in contact, good. But if he doesn't, it's cool.
[her phone chimes]
Joy: I'm not going to define myself by whether or not some man-
[screams as she looks at phone]
Joy: It's a text from Simon; he's coming next week and he can't wait to see me! What am I going to wear? What if my face breaks out? What if he meets a more beautiful woman than me on the plane? I'll kill her, that's what I'll do! And I'll do it slowly.
Elka: I know who else liked to do it slowly. Old Red-eyes.
Melanie: Sinatra was Old Blue-eyes.
Elka: When I snuck into his room, he was pretty drunk.
Daphne: Here we are! One cup of tea - half Darjeeling, half Chamomile, skim milk, a packet of sweetener - oh, and I thought you might enjoy a nice fat-free tea biscuit. Will there be anything else?
Bebe: No. You run along, I'm fine.
Daphne: You're sure now? Because I could wait 'til you finish the biscuit and floss your teeth for you.
Bebe: You are a cheeky little monkey, aren't you?
[bites the biscuit]
Bebe: This cookie tastes like meat!
Daphne: Yes, and it'll remove tartar and give you a nice, shiny coat!
Daphne: You dirty old man! Flirting with a girl her age!
Martin: Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
Daphne: Yeah, she looked once and it was over. You've never acted this silly with any of my other girl friends. What's so special about Pam?
Martin: Oh, nothing. She's just young and friendly, and... she reminds me of the girls I used to date back during the war.
Daphne: What, you mean Korea? Mr. Crane, it's not dating when you're an occupying force.
Daphne: Hey, how was the police auction?
Martin: Oh, you didn't miss anything.
Dr. Niles Crane: [gleefully] I made out like a bandit! Those drug lords have the most incredible taste: Christophle, silver, Limoges. Oh, Morivors crystal. If I ever get married again, I'm going to register there.
Bob: Oh God, joy!
Joy: What?
Bob: No, not you; my Canadian girlfriend Joy.
Joy: You really have a Canadian girlfriend?
Bob: Yes!
[speeddials cellphone]
Bob: Hi. Joy, this is Bob. I-I've made a terrible mistake. Look. I'm jumping on the next flight and then the connecting flight and then the puddle-jumper and then the snowmobile and... then I'll be at your door. Yes. I'll, I'll see you in two weeks.
Daphne: Donny, after seeing you at the restaurant last night, I want you to know I'm worried about you.
Donny: Okay, this is about Nancy?
Daphne: I'm sure she's a lovely person. And I probably have no right saying this, but I hope you're not rushing into anything.
Donny: Uh, look, Daphne...
Daphne: I know, I know. I'm way out of line here. But, I still care what happens to you. Take the time to get to know each other. Believe me, you'll be glad you did when the day comes you finally do get married.
[Nancy comes up in a white outfit and carrying a bouquet]
Daphne: Well, what do you know, it's here.
Frasier: Daphne, shh... do you hear that?
Daphne: What?
Frasier: The sound of a Sherry-free apartment. I've been basking in it for the last thirty minutes. Right now, I feel like a seafront village after the Vikings have left.
Dr. Frasier Crane: My God, it's for the Cecilia Bartoli concert! My God, they've been sold out for months. How on earth did you score these tickets?
Dr. Niles Crane: I simply phoned the box office and said this is Niles Crane, the new arts critic for The Monocle.
Daphne: The Monocle. Isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people in all the snootiest apartment buildings?
Dr. Niles Crane: And the snootiest hotels.
Dr. Frasier Crane: How could this happen, Niles?
Dr. Niles Crane: I was at a party thrown by the publisher, Olga Suerbread. The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein. Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed. Until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated."
Dr. Frasier Crane: [indignant] I assume you pounced?
Dr. Niles Crane: [dignified] Like a ninja! By the time I had finished with him, Olga could see I was a far better critic than that arrogant poseur.
Daphne: She fired him right there?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, he was leaving anyway for his junior year abroad.
Niles: Oh, Frasier, thank God you're here.
Daphne: Any news, Dr. Crane?
Niles: No, no, I asked the neighbors if they'd seen any strange cars in the neighborhood. One reported spotting something called a "minivan."
Related Content You May Interest
Movies & TV Shows
Top 50 Quotes From Who's the Boss?
1000 Best Frasier Quotes
200 Best Hot in Cleveland Quotes
500 Best Desperate Housewives Quotes
The Best The Resident Quotes
600 Best Murder, She Wrote Quotes
1000 Best The Simpsons Quotes
Characters & Artists
20 Best Sheriff Mort Metzger Quotes
Top 20 Quotes From Ron Masak
The Best Sheriff Amos Tupper Quotes
Top 20 Quotes From Tom Bosley
The Best Deputy Floyd Quotes
The Best Will Nye Quotes
The Best Lt. Catalano Quotes
The Best Ken Swofford Quotes
The Best Eve Simpson Quotes
The Best Julie Adams Quotes
The Best Dennis Stanton Quotes
The Best Keith Michell Quotes
The Best Michael Hagarty Quotes
The Best Len Cariou Quotes
The Best Rhoda Markowitz Quotes
The Best Hallie Todd Quotes
The Best Ben Devlin Quotes
The Best Joe Dorsey Quotes
The Best Lieutenant Gabriel Caceras Quotes
50 Best Gregory Sierra Quotes
The Best Carol Collins Quotes
The Best Barbara Babcock Quotes
The Best Bo Dixon Quotes
The Best William Lucking Quotes