50 Best Victoria Chase Quotes

Melanie: I put in an application for him, and they're going to send over a home inspector next week to see if we're dog worthy. So we have *got* to be good because everybody wants him.
Victoria: Well, what to we do? Who do we pay? Who does Joy sleep with?
Melanie: No, things like money and sexual favors aren't going to do the trick.
Joy: Wow. We really aren't in L.A. any more.

[first lines]
Victoria: Well, thank God Wilbur's present arrived from France in time for his birthday. What did you always dream of having when you were a little girl growing up in Poland?
Elka: Food.
Victoria: But a close second must have been... an eighteenth century beaux arts marionette theater.
Joy: Oh no, the instructions are in French.
Elka: What's French for 'puppets are creepy'?
[Victoria has picked up a puppet]
Elka: It looks just like you.
Joy: There is a resemblance.
Victoria: What? This freakish creature looks nothing like me.
Melanie: [Melanie enters] Hey, where'd you get the Victoria puppet?

[last lines]
Victoria: [about her commercial] OK, OK, it wasn't my classiest endeavor. But just remember, it's only airing in Japan. Oh, thank God!
[Victoria's: "Oh my God, is that Victoria Chase?"]
Victoria: It's probably my agent, calling to blow smoke up my - well, you know.
[Victoria leaves]
Joy: When do we tell her it's all over the internet?
Melanie: Oh, I know; I saw it too.
Elka: I posted it.

Victoria: Oh, Maddie, can you ever forgive me?
Maddie: Yes, I can forgive you, Victoria. You were awful to me.
Victoria: Yeah.
Maddie: And I was awful to you. And you know what we call that in the theater? Friendship.

Victoria: [on phone] Cherchez ma robe maintenant, ou des têtes tomberont.
Joy: Bloody French.
Melanie: You don't even know who she's talking to.
Joy: Don't need to.

[first lines]
Victoria: Mel! Your taxi's here!
Melanie: Oh, okay, coming.
[stumbles on the stairs]
Melanie: Oh, puppy-tails!
Victoria: Melanie, please. Language. What, is that what you're wearing on the plane?
Joy: Mmm, someone's looking to get bumped to first class.
Melanie: Why, no. As soon as I get to New York, I have to rush straight to Jenna's play; I'm not going to have time to change.
Joy: That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.
Elka: Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.
Melanie: Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after.
Elka: Well, in that case, tits ahoy!

Sally: I once knew a man named Phil. He also refused to listen. I carry a small souvenir of that encounter.
Victoria: [gasps] Is that a human ear?
Sally: Phil has only one now, but strangely, his hearing has improved.

Victoria: Oh, please! No one's littler than you. If I popped your head back, a Pez would fly out.

Melanie: Well, my mum hasn't let me leave the house since she got here. My childhood all over again. She just wants me to stay at home. And eat. I was raised like a veal.
Victoria: That's better than being raised by a ham. Who tries to pork everybody.

Alex: I don't watch that much television.
Victoria: Of course not; it doesn't have a mirrored surface.

Johnny: Seriously, you look even sexier in person than you did on your show.
Victoria: You watched Edge of Tomorrow?
Johnny: Sure. I was always bragging to the roadies how I used to drill you like the Gulf of Mexico.
Victoria: Still don't follow the news, do you!

[first lines]
Policeman: 'Kay, ladies, you see the perpetrator in this lineup?
Elka: Could number four take his shirt off?
Policeman: Why?
Elka: Why not? It's my tax dollars, right?
Melanie: It's number three.
Policeman: Number three step forward.
Victoria: He's the one.
Melanie: Definitely.
Joy: Dirty, rotten bastard.
Elka: Fine; he can take his shirt off too.

Melanie: Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!
Joy: You're kidding.
Elka: You all have birthdays on the same day?
Victoria: No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...
Melanie: Depressing, scary...
Joy: Drunk and hazy...
Victoria: We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.
Joy: It works great; I really don't know how old I am.

Victoria: I just need time to think. Oh, if only there were a hideout I could go to where the police couldn't find me.
Melanie: If only someone among us had a criminal past.
Victoria: And was once married to the mob.
Joy: And is right here. And old enough to remember where she was when Caesar was assassinated.

Joy: I keep telling you people never change. That's why, instead of confronting *my* mom, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.
Victoria: You don't seem that drunk.
Joy: Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.

[last lines]
Melanie: Are you really thinking of finding your son?
Joy: Maybe. It's all just a... a lot.
Melanie: I can't imagine.
Joy: Yes, you can. You're a mother.
Victoria: Hey. So are you.
Joy: Thanks. Ah, it's just so weird to think of him out there, a grown man. He could be married, have kids of his own. I might even have... grandkids.
Elka: Hey, maybe one of 'em's old enough for you to date.
[the others just look at her]
Elka: Too soon?

Victoria: I am definitely going to need an emergency wax.
Elka: But your eyebrows look fine.
Victoria: Oh, it's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.
Joy: Do you think I carry a portable waxing kit?
Victoria: Joy, please!
Joy: OK, fine!
[picks up a candle and serviette from the table]
Joy: I'll MacGyver it.

Melanie: What *is* all this stuff? I feel like I'm in 'The Goonies'.
Victoria: Wow! Is this stuff real?
Joy: Is that a tiara? Who *are* you?
Elka: I'm Anastasia, the last surviving member of the Romanov dynasty.
Melanie: You are?
Elka: No, but I've always wanted to say that.
Victoria: Is all of this yours?
Elka: No, it's stolen.
Joy: Oh my!
Melanie: What?
Elka: [picks up a knife] And now I'm going to have to *kill* you!
[grins]
Elka: I've always wanted to say that, too.

Elliot: The winner of this year's celebrity drag pageant is... Susan Lucci!
Victoria: Nooooo!

Sean: Joy didn't mention you were an actress.
Victoria: But then what do you guys talk about?
Elka: You've seen him shirtless. Why would they talk?

[first lines]
Melanie: Well, cross another thing off my bucket list. I have been to a nude beach.
Victoria: I didn't know Cleveland had a nude beach.
Melanie: It has one more than it should.
Elka: Who said I wouldn't run into anyone I knew there?
Melanie: Elka, I'm sorry; how was I to know that your butcher was going to be at a nude beach?
Elka: I'll never be able to order kielbasa from that man again.

Joy: I can't believe you're choosing injections of botulism over your best friend. Doesn't that worry you?
Victoria: Yes, of course it does, but I figure if I can get to Chicago, then at least I won't look worried.

Joy: Are you saying you're running for city council? You don't know anything about politics.
Victoria: Well, what does Sonny Bono know? Clint Eastwood? The Schwarzenegger couldn't even pronounce the name of the state he was in.

Melanie: [stumbles on the stairs] Oh, sugar-foot. I always trip on that gosh-darn step.
Victoria: Oh, it's like a Mamet play in here.

Victoria: You'll find that this is the hardest part of real life. You can't naturally fade out and go to commercial.

[first lines]
Emmet: To you.
Victoria: And you. I'd give you a standing O, but we already did that in the shower.
Nikki: [knocking] Emmet, I know you're in there!
Emmet: Oh, no.
Victoria: Who is it?
Emmet: Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh. She has bat-like hearing.
Nikki: I heard that.
[Nikki enters]
Nikki: Emmet, we need to talk.
Victoria: Excuse me, but who are you to barge into my trailer?
Nikki: I'm his wife. Who the hell are you?

Victoria: [about Joy] Now, you may not realize this, Elka, but we are in the presence of a genius. Ill-tempered, disagreeable, snarky, yes. But, I would trust her with my life and, more importantly, with my hair.

Victoria: I hate hardware stores.
Joy: Me too. It's all just stuff you need; nothing you ever want.

Joy: I can't imagine what it's going to be like living here without you.
Victoria: I know. I've been the sun that you three revolve around. But still, I know; it's hard to say good-bye.
Elka: You're making it easier.

Joy: What's happening now?
Victoria: Oh, she's making some sappy speech, and he's overplaying it like crazy. Like one of those warm moments on 'Glee'.

[last lines]
Joy: Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John *or* George Michael. I thought he wanted *my* sex.
Melanie: I didn't even know the Village People were gay.
Victoria: Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.
Elka: In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.
Melanie: You thought Liberace was straight.
Elka: I could have turned him.

Joy: Maybe I should just call him and tell him the truth.
Victoria: Are you out of your mind! What if he isn't your son?
Melanie: "I might be your mother." Probably a romance killer.
Victoria: Mm-hm. And what's even more horrific is you'd have to admit that you're old enough to be his mother. Now, how old does he think you are?
Joy: He said I looked thirty-eight.
Elka: Your son is mentally challenged?

[first lines]
Melanie: You guys, the strangest thing just happened to me; I had a conversation... with a neighbor.
Joy: Wow! I never even saw my neighbors in L.A. Except during earthquakes.
Victoria: Yeah, sometimes we'd pull into our driveways at the same time and, as our electronic gates were opening, I'd think: "I don't even know their names, and they don't know mine." And the world was good.
Melanie: Well, *that* was the L.A. us; here in Cleveland we're going to get to know our neighbors. In fact, I'm throwing a party. Tomorrow. Look at me being all spontaneous.

Joy: You're not old. Forty's the new twenty-five.
Victoria: I thought forty was the new thirty.
Joy: Well, if we're just going to make crap up, I'd rather be twenty-five.

Victoria: These English instructions are worse than the French ones. What or who is Allen Wrench? This stupid car has more pieces than the puppet theater. And it needs two D batteries; where are we going to get those?
[Victoria and Elka both look over at Joy]
Joy: Fine. I'll take them out of my... personal back massager.

Victoria: Do you want this puppy?
Oscar: Oh. Is NPR sponsored by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation?
[everyone looks blank]
Oscar: Boy, nobody listens to NPR, do they?

Joy: What's going on here? I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.
Elka: I did. But then Nick asked me to dance, and one thing led to another...
Victoria: You cheated on Max?
Elka: Twice! First a waltz, and then a polka!
Victoria: But that's it? You danced?
Elka: A *polka*! The Polish forbidden dance of love!

Victoria: Are you really as good as they say you are?
Danny: Did John Glenn go to jail for murder?
Joy: What murder?
Danny: I rest my case.

Victoria: We've been through, what, everything together. OK, between us: six divorces,
Joy: Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends - all of them mine.
Melanie: Five kids.
Joy: Two grandkids.
Victoria: Nieces, please!
Melanie: We've just always had each others' backs,
Victoria: Mm-hm.
Melanie: for better and for worse.

[first lines]
Melanie: Hey!
Elka: Oh, how was the farmers' market?
Melanie: Weird.
Joy: In L.A. a farmers' market means sushi, pâté and chilladas.
Victoria: This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

Victoria: Now, I just have to stage my funeral.
Elka: I'll take care of that.
Victoria: Have you ever planned a funeral before?
Elka: I've been planning three of 'em since you moved in.

Joy: You're with a man who thinks you're a man pretending to be a woman?
Victoria: Yes, I am Victor Victoria Chase.

Victoria: I know that it's common for a woman to start losing her memory in her early forties.
Elka: You've already forgotten your age.
Victoria: I was born in 1968.
Melanie: But I thought you were born in 1969.
Victoria: Oh my God, I've forgotten my fake age.

[last lines]
Joy: So, are you OK, Mel?
Melanie: Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good and you guys have a very early flight tomorrow, so please, just go to Paris and have a wonderful time.
Joy: I don't know. Somehow I can't seem to get excited about Paris any more. No Melanie.
Victoria: You know, Joy... instead of two weeks in Paris, we could spend two weeks in Cleveland; I mean, the Paris of Ohio.
Elka: No, that's Toledo.
Joy: So what should we do now?
Melanie: I say we go to that bar where the men think we're hot.
Elka: I'll drive!

[first lines]
Victoria: [a police siren is heard approaching] Huh. Wonder what that's about.
Elka: [entering] I'm not here.
Joy: Wait. The police are looking for you?
Elka: [the siren fades into the distance] What police?

[first lines]
Victoria: Oh, hi, Ohio. I'm Victoria Chase, and this exceedingly handsome blue-eyed gentleman is Dave...
Dave: Selleck.
Victoria: Selleck. Yeah, head of the Community Gardens project.
Dave: Uh, we're taking abandoned downtown real estate and using it to teach inner-city kids what it takes to grow food.
Victoria: Excellent. Now, I-I don't know if you're familiar with my reporting, but uh, I'm rather famous for saying what the viewers are thinking. And clearly what the viewers are thinking is: do you ever have the urge to remove your flannel shirt?
Dave: Excuse me?
Victoria: Well, you know, like you're out on a tractor and the sun is beating down on your powerful shoulders and, you know, you're kind of slick with man-sweat and you think "Ah, what the heck!" and you just whip it off.
Dave: Ah... no.
Victoria: You ought to try it sometime.

Victoria: You fake porned him?
Melanie: I fake porned him.
Joy: Why?
Melanie: I-I panicked. Emmet said men like enthusiasm, so I went a little overboard. I mean, I was like someone reviewing their own business on Yelp.
Victoria: You set the sex bar way too high.
Melanie: I know! And now he's going to expect fake porn Melanie every time; I'm going to be so busy putting on a show that I won't be able to relax and enjoy it.
Joy: And you can't go back; it's like tipping. Once you go thirty percent you can't go back to twenty. You have to fake your own death and find a new manicurist.

[first lines]
Joy: We're still in a rented house in Ohio, right?
Victoria: Yup.
Joy: So last night a guy fifteen years younger than me really did give me his phone number.
Victoria: Oh, it's the magic of Cleveland, Joy. All the most beautiful people in the world move to L.A. to become stars, leaving behind in their wake beauty voids for the rest of us to fill.

[first lines]
Victoria: Ice. I need ice.
Joy: I realize it's happy hour somewhere, but isn't it a bit early even for you?
Victoria: It happens to be an emergency.
[holding ice tray against the side of her neck]
Victoria: I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.
Elka: What's going on?
Joy: Victoria's having a senior moment.
Elka: Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

[first lines]
Melanie: Morning, ladies. What's up?
Mamie: Elka's teaching me how to flirt. Right now we're in a happening night spot, and I'm dressed very provocatively.
Elka: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Mamie: Have we started, or are you really asking?
Elka: You see what I'm up against?
Victoria: Good morning, ladies.
Melanie: Where's Oscar?
Victoria: Unpacking.
Mamie: Oscar? Who's he?
Victoria: She. My daughter. After I had Emmy and Tony, I was determined to have an Oscar no matter what.
Melanie: Oscar's been studying journalism in London for the last two years; now she works for NPR.
Victoria: And she's here to do a story on me.
Melanie: Actually, it's a story about *us*, moving from LA to Cleveland.
Victoria: It's about second acts in life, and how I moved here and reinvented myself.
Melanie: *We* reinvented ourselves!
Victoria: I hope that's not the selfish tone you're going to take in the interview.