300 Best Roz Doyle Quotes
Martin: So, hey Roz, I hear you're trying out for a new job?
Roz: Yes, as a matter of fact I am. And you can really help me with my demo.
Martin: What do I do?
Roz: I just want an honest answer. I want to talk to you about first dates.
Martin: OK.
Niles: [snickering] Are you sure Dad's the best candidate for this particular subject?
[Frasier also laughs]
Martin: Quick survey: how many Crane men here with a girlfriend?
[He raises his hand. Frasier and Niles stop laughing]
Martin: No, no, keep 'em up while I count!
Frasier: All right!
[Niles is wearing a complimentary letterman jacket]
Roz: Wow, Niles! You finally made varsity after thirty years, huh?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, but it's not a real varsity jacket, Roz, so you're under no obligation to sleep with me.
[she smiles]
Roz: See you around.
Dr. Niles Crane: Take care.
[during Frasier's 2,000th show]
Frasier: Roz, what do we have next?
Roz: It's time for another blooper.
Frasier: Oh, well, I believe we're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer didn't realize her microphone was on, during the show...
Roz: [on tape] Now what the-
[beep]
Roz: Is this? You call this a-
[beep]
Roz: Paycheck? How the-
[beep]
Roz: Am I supposed to live on this-?!
[beep]
Roz: I'm gonna have a little word with that-
[beep]
Roz: -damn station manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-
[beep]
Roz: -ing place!
Kenny: [who's entered] Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.
Noel: [laying on the floor in Frasier's steam room, weakly] Roz... will you take my hand?
Roz: [grumbles] Okay, fine, Noel
[gets lost in the steam]
Roz: ... *where* are you? Oh my God! Put on a towel you perv!
Gil: I've heard of this sort of thing happening in locker rooms.
Dr. Niles Crane: The only civilized thing to do is for us to both stay away from her. We are psychiatrists, not a couple of rutting pigs in a barnyard. What do you say to that?
Frasier: [They look back at Vickie who has just taken off her wrap, revealing bare shoulders and a clinging dress] Soo-eee.
Dr. Niles Crane: Very well, may the better man win.
Roz: Frasier, your father wants you.
Dr. Niles Crane: Ah, advantage Niles!
Frasier: Morning, Roz!
Roz: Frasier? What are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.
[Roz comes to the Halloween Party dressed in a saucy S&M outfit]
Daphne: Wow. Roz, don't you look smashing.
Eve: What an interesting costume, who are you?
Roz: I'm O. from the "Story of O."
Everyone: Ohhh...
Roz: It's gonna be a long night.
Roz: Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face? No one even suspects you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why not?
Roz: Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks was beneath you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me. I'm going to accept my limitations, and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane. Even my most barbed comments never drew blood! Oh God, I feel sick.
Roz: You do? When the lizard threw up her fingertip, who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and rush it down here?
Frasier: Did you see anything suspicious, Wing?
Bulldog: Oh, me no looky. Me go beddy bye chop chop.
Roz: Stop! Chinese embassy on line 1. You can't say that.
Martin: [after Mel has left] Well, that's a blessing. Now we can enjoy our breakfast.
Roz: I doubt it. I was only allowed to make a cheese-free, mushroom-free, fat-free frittata, thanks to the girl in the plastic bubble!
Daphne: I think I'll order a pizza.
[Daphne gets up from the couch and takes phone into kitchen]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I have half a mind to say something to Niles, he is making a terrible mistake with that woman!
Martin: Frasier!
Dr. Frasier Crane: But Dad, it is Maris all over again! She's dominating him, emasculating him!
Martin: Look, I don't like her anymore than you do and God knows we've been through this before. I didn't like Lilith, we both didn't like Maris and you boys sure as hell didn't like Sherry, but what good did it do talking about it?
Dr. Frasier Crane: But he's repeating a terrible pattern.
Martin: Well he's going to repeat it whether you like it or not. And if you say anything, you're just going to drive a wedge between you. So, nobody's going to say a word!
Frasier: [about Roz's facial blemish] Have you considered wearing a beekeeper's mask?
Roz: Do I make fun of that Astrodome you call a forehead?
Roz: Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh wait, that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!
[Frasier goes to Niles's table]
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order.
Niles: I agree... Well?
Frasier: "Well," what?
Niles: It's your turn. I apologized first last time.
Frasier: No, you didn't!
Niles: I did so! I distinctly remember. It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit. I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service.
Frasier: So you did. That means it is my turn again... Damn!
Roz: You seem like you've been in a lousy mood lately.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's just that they put soy milk in my latte. I don't like soy milk. If it doesn't come from a teat or an udder, it isn't milk!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Daphne is asking him about transference] I remember back in my days of private practice, I did have my share of female adulation.
Roz: Oh, my god, were you able to cure them?
Frasier: He goes too far!
Roz: Yeah, some nerve, ditching you to spend Valentine's Day with his girlfriend.
Martin: Look, Frasier, I don't blame you for being a little jealous because he's got someone and you don't...
Frasier: I am not jealous, Dad! I am simply appalled by his rudeness. I was looking forward to this evening. A nice drink, lovely opera, then a late supper... perhaps a beautiful bottle of wine... a delightful dessert souffle... oh, God, I need a woman.
Roz: You know, maybe Frasier was right. Would it kill us to make some effort to be civil?
Julia: I... guess not.
Roz: So... Your show was good today.
Julia: Yes, it was. And... and... your producing was... top notch.
Roz: Thanks.
[Offers her the sugar container]
Roz: Sugar?
Julia: [Takes one] Please.
Roz: Well, this isn't so bad.
Julia: No, it's not. Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.
Roz: Well, when you first started, you know, I just thought you were kind of a bitch. Ordering everyone around.
Julia: That's totally my fault. I have a tendency to be patronizing to, um... entry level employees.
Roz: Well. You know, I was gonna say something earlier, but when I heard your first show, I figured you wouldn't be here long.
Julia: Well, you certainly made an impression on my. I remember I kept thinking, who did she sleep with to get this job? And then I found out. Everybody!
Roz: That's a good one. You know, there's a plunger in the bathroom. Whaddya say we go look for your career?
Julia: Great. While we're in there, I can get your phone number.
Roz: Don't bother. It's 1-800 bite me.
Julia: Bite me? That's the best that you've got?
Roz: Oh, I could spend a half an hour on your hair.
Julia: Well, you should have spent a half an hour on *your* hair.
Waitress: Closing time, ladies. I'm afraid you'll have to leave.
Roz: But, we're just warming up.
Julia: You know, there's a place down the street that's open all night.
Roz: Just like your mouth?
Julia: Just like your legs?
[Walks out]
Roz: Hey!
[Follows her out]
Roz: Wait up!
Bulldog: [to Gil] Take the shoe off.
Roz: Oh, oh...
Gil: Oh, dear.
Roz: What is it?
Gil: I see it's been a while since our last pedicure.
Roz: You haven't seen my friend John here, have you?
Frasier: No.
Roz: We're meeting for coffee. I'm going to tell him that I'm on my way to a chic cocktail party. This is the "Roz" that I want him to tell people about at that wedding in Wisconsin.
Frasier: The vain, neurotic, lying Roz?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ever since Niles made that basket, his head's been getting bigger and bigger.
Roz: Well, you have to admit it was pretty amazing.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Amazingly lucky! To hear Niles tell it, it all started with a little rubber factory in Sumatra, where an unsuspecting basketball began a journey that would lead to greatness.
Roz: So he's milking it a little bit, you'd do the same thing!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I would not! I would treat it as the chance occurrence it was... like finding a terrific parking spot in front of the opera house.
Roz: You bragged about that for weeks!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it was right in front of the steps, Roz!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm not sure the Grants are the right family for our house.
Roz: Who?
Dr. Frasier Crane: The Grants--the people who moved into the house we built.
Roz: You went back there?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Just a few times, yes, to try to share with them the principles of decor, room flow, general livability. Then they literally showed me the door. Yes, Roz, the very door I hung for them in the first place. Take a moment to digest the irony.
Jen: But I picked up something for you on the way over here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [She hands him a shopping bag] Really?
Jen: Mm-hm.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [He reaches in] Well... a bust of Freud. Well, that's really quite thoughtful of you.
Jen: I figured you'd appreciate the irony. Since he's been proven wrong about practically everything.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I like to think that Freud's theories will withstand the test of time.
Jen: Really? Have you read either of his books?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Excuse me, young lady...
Jen: Uh-oh, here comes the lecture.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, for once you are right, for a disquisition is indeed at hand. And may I suggest you roll your eyes back into the forward position, as I may actually employ some visual aids. Now, our story begins with a young Greek woman of the name Clytemnestra...
Roz: Look, everybody, Kenny's here!
Roz: And as for my hangover, it was worth it. I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey!
Frasier: I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
[Niles' wife Maris is suspected of having an affair with the husband of one of Frasier's callers]
Roz: You just tell her that you know she's been mattress surfing with some other guy and if she doesn't knock it off, you'll tell her husband.
Frasier: It's not that easy. You don't know this woman. She doesn't deal with confrontation very well. I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later, we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart!
Roz: Whoa! It's Maris.
Roz: They've got a contest about me now too!
Frasier: Oh my God, Roz, $1000 for a picture of your behind? I'm so sorry.
Roz: No, it was $50 and a six-pack, and there were already 5 winners before I even left the house!
Roz: Oh, no you don't! Donny is seeing Daphne and I am not the kind who steals other people's boyfriends! Not friends' boyfriends... not good friends'...
[distraught]
Roz: Not again!
Dr. Niles Crane: Roz, you might recall you went out with him for six months. She's only seen him three or four times, they're not even sleeping together.
Roz: What? How would you know?
Dr. Niles Crane: She told me. I don't want to be the bad guy here, but you did have him first and he did want to make a life with you.
Roz: [thinks about it, then] Listen, there is no way that I am going... She hasn't slept with him?
Dr. Niles Crane: She's English.
Roz: [thinks about it more, then] Why don't you just admit it? You're just doing this because you want Daphne.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes! Yes! Yes, I want Daphne - I think we belong together, just like I think you and Donny belong together, and why should two people be happy when four people can be ecstatic?
Roz: Oh, hi. I was just shopping around the corner, thought I'd stop by.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, gosh, well unfortunately I have a date.
Roz: That's okay, I have one myself. With Steve.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, yes, your convict friend. Do you think that's wise?
Roz: The man made one mistake. Besides, I don't know any guy who's not a little fascinated by fire.
Roz: Wonder Woman really is my hero, she's everything I admire: beautiful, smart, independent, moral...
Dr. Niles Crane: [drunk, as Martin] And talk about hooters.
Martin: [to Niles] Hey, I keep that to myself.
Roz: Oh, hey Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Roz. How are you?
Roz: Okay. Can I ask you something? Does Frasier seem weird to you?
Daphne: Oh, God yes.
Roz: I haven't even finished my question yet.
Daphne: Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the buzzer.
Frasier: Oh, dear God.
Roz: What?
Frasier: This number he left: It's local. The beast walks among us.
Roz: [to Rick] When I get married it's going to be to somebody I'm in love with, and somebody who's in love with me.
[Rick tries to speak]
Roz: And somebody who can legally drink champagne at our wedding.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry Roz, why don't you join us?
Roz: No, no thank you. There's a cute new handyman in my building. I thought I'd just go home, slip into a negligée and rip out my faucet.
[she leaves]
Frasier: You think she's kidding, don't you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [a delirious and drug-overdosed Frasier has returned to the station] Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again. So, let's take our first caller. Hello, I'm listening.
Robert: Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay? My name is Robert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And your name is...?
Robert: My name is Robert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye!
[disconnects him]
Roz: [on the office phone] Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [takes another call] Who is this?
Janice: I'm Janice.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Janice, what's your problem?
Janice: Well, I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boring!
[disconnects her]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello! You're on the crane with Frasier Air!
Marjorie: Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie. You see, I'm... I'm having a problem with my boss. He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: OK, OK, Marjorie. Well, let's, let's see... Let's do a little role-playing, OK? Look, I'll be your boss, you be yourself, you be Marjorie... and uh - come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way. Tell me what you think, and you just might be surprised by what happens!
Marjorie: Well, OK. "Listen, Mr. Ross. I've worked for this company for six years and I've never missed a day. But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am and I don't think that's fair."
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness and uh... I wished more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind. You know, you're going to get that promotion!"
Marjorie: Hey, that was great!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [excited] Yeah! Wasn't it? Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn! I'm Marjorie and you're the boss now! Come on! Come on...
[Niles and security arrive and hustle him out]
Frasier: I've invited the entire building -- even Cam Winston.
Martin: Oh!
Frasier: In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to put an end to our feud.
Roz: What are you feuding about?
Martin: Oh, he parks his SUV right next to Frasier's Beemer.
Frasier: Yes well, that car is grotesquely oversized! I've often been forced to exit from the passenger's side. Many a time, I've been brought to grief on my gear shift.
Roz: [Frasier exits]
[to Martin]
Roz: Why doesn't he just back in?
Martin: Are you kidding? He can barely hit that space even when the guy's car isn't there.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Wow, Roz, did you feel that? The entire room changed when we walked in. It's like animals in the wild sensing a predator had arrived.
Roz: Good, I like that you're confident.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I was talking about you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know I'm not very good at picking up gifts for people usually, but when I saw this in the window, I knew it was perfect for you.
[Roz takes out a small black purse from the box and bursts into sudden tears]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Still, maybe I should have gone with the shawl.
Roz: [crying] No, it's not the purse. Although I do hate it.
Roz: I don't believe this! I got dressed up. I got a sitter. And you don't even remember we made a date. Some classy brother, Daphne!
Simon: Now you're making me feel bad. Tell you what. Dinner's on me, tonight.
Frasier: Hello, Eileen, I'm listening.
Eileen: Dr. Crane, I've been very happily married for twenty years and I wouldn't dream of cheating, but lately when we're making love I find myself fantasizing about people... other than my husband.
Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal. It's quite normal to spice up one's love life by imagining a tryst with, oh, a sports figure or a movie star or...
Eileen: Or a radio psychiatrist?
Frasier: Excuse me?
Eileen: It's your voice, Dr. Crane. You must have the most sensuous voice on earth.
Frasier: [sensuously] Oh, I don't know, Eileen.
Eileen: I've never seen your picture. Would you mind describing yourself?
Frasier: Oh, well I don't really think that's appropriate...
Roz: I'll do it.
Frasier: Roz, I don't think...
Roz: He's about six-one, with a granite jaw and the broad shoulders of a marine. He's been wearing his hair short lately but that only accentuates his cobalt blue eyes, his chiseled cheekbones and his full, provocative lips.
Eileen: Wow! Thanks, Roz, and thank you, Dr. Crane. I'll be thinking of you tonight. With any luck, twice!
Frasier: Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane feeling a little red in his chiseled cheeks. Till tomorrow then, this is KACL 780 AM.
[Daphne opens the door to Roz and Alice]
Roz: Hey, Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?
Roz: We're borrowing Frasier's car.
Daphne: Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.
Daphne: You'd think with all your dozens and dozens of men, you could at least leave one for me.
Roz: Dozens? Did you tell her that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well forgive me for keeping track.
Roz: [she and Frasier go to the kitchen to escape from Mel and her obnoxious attitude] When you invited me, did you say "brunch for Mel" or "brunch from Hell"?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [utterly frustrated] That woman is unbearable.
Martin: [coming into the kitchen] Well, guess who's allergic to Eddie?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Lord.
Martin: She wants a glass of water to take her pill with.
[He starts making a glass of water]
Martin: Boy, do you know what I can't stand? All that "sweetie, dearie, darling" stuff. I've never met anyone so phony!
[Mel enters the kitchen and they all take notice]
Martin: Hello, dear, here's your water.
[He hands the water over to her and she takes it]
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Thank you, Martin. Well, Frasier, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I just got beeped by my service and I have to go.
[Niles gets complimentary basketball tickets]
Niles: Tell me, does one still wear a white sweater jauntily tied around the neck to these things?
Roz: If one wants to get the crap beaten out of one!
Frasier: So Roz, any update on the chair?
Roz: Oh yeah, the calls have been pouring in.
Frasier: Really? And what are they?
Roz: Well, so far it's been spotted at the top of the Space Needle, in the Governor's Mansion, and a man on Lake Stevens said he saw it flying over his house, but he thought it was just a spaceship from a tacky planet.
[Frasier has just called Faye "Cassandra" again by accident]
Frasier: It is one syllable! What is wrong with me?
[Roz starts to laugh]
Frasier: Well, I'm glad to see you're amused.
Roz: No, I'm not, I'm just having a flashback to my summer of Ted, Todd and Tad.
Dr. Frasier Crane: We have wine club tonight, I'm sort of counting on him to help me become Cork Master.
Roz: But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Cork Master is the most prestigious position in our club. If elected, I plan to have vertical tastings and guest speakers, perhaps even a trip to Portugal where some of the world's finest corks come from.
Roz: I wish I had a cork right now.
Roz: [in a steam room] I can't keep my cigarettes lit.
Roz: This uncle of yours - does he dress like a woman all the time?
Daphne: No, certainly not for work. His congregation would never stand for it.
Dr. Niles Crane: So, you're not in love. But your behavior last night clearly indicates some sort of crisis. As a psychiatrist...
Roz: I just want my job back. I'm not looking for some big therapy trip.
Dr. Niles Crane: All right. Well, why don't you just sweep your emotions under the rug and waltz back to the station as if nothing ever happened?
Roz: That's *perfect*! Thanks!
Dr. Niles Crane: No, no. I was being facetious. My real advice would be...
Roz: I know, talk about my feelings. Blah, blah, woof, woof. I gotta go, Niles. Thanks again!
[Roz checks out one of Bulldog's guests, a pro basketball player]
Roz: Can I ask you a favor?
Bulldog: Yeah, forget it. He's married!
Roz: Hey! That's pretty offensive. Why did you assume that's what I wanted?
Bulldog: Okay, then. What did you want?
Roz: Well... I don't know. I just wondered if...
Bulldog: [blowing a horn in her face] Time's up.
Roz: [Roz doesn't like Frasier's relationship with Julia, KACL's financial analyst] You're gonna have to choose, Frasier.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You will not put me in this position, Roz. We will discuss it later.
Roz: No! Tell me! It's her or me! Tell me now! Or I swear to God I will walk out of here and I will not come back!
Kenny: Roz, Larry Gamba couldn't make it, so if he wins can you accept for him?
Roz: Sure, Kenny. Nothing takes the sting out of not being nominated like accepting an award for my former intern.
Dr. Frasier Crane: This is Nikos, my father's brother's son.
Roz: Well I would have never pegged you for a Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, he's half Greek. He gets his looks from his mom.
Roz: I bet he gets looks from lots of women.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, I think you should be flattered. Noel's attempt to immortalize you is akin to... a love poem written by Robert Browning to his wife.
Roz: Did he ever write a poem where he gave her two extra breasts?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I'd have to check my English Lit notes, but I think not, no.
Roz: [to Gil who has just lost an award] Come on, Gil. Isn't it enough to be enough?
Gil: You tell me, Miss Three-Time Loser.
Roz: Oh, what is the big deal? Why don't you let him have Christmas?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Because it is just so unfair.
Roz: What's not fair?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, you wouldn't understand.
Roz: Well come on Frasier, talk to me. Use your words.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Because, it's so egregious.
Roz: Smaller words.
Frasier: You know, frankly, I'm terribly upset about this. You know, I think we'll go down there and join that rally.
Roz: Good for you, Frasier.
Frasier: I refuse to stand idly by while some fat-cat bully rides roughshod over the little people.
Daphne: I don't want to go to a rally!
Frasier: Oh, tough luck - you're the chauffeur!
Roz: What are you doing?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I was just saying how great you are.
Roz: No, you're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' speech. If anyone should be giving that speech it's me, not you.
Frasier: [Frasier enters Roz's apartment, carrying a white box] Hi, Roz. How were things at the emergency room?
Roz: Frustrating. You know how it is - you're sitting there in complete agony and every crybaby with a gunshot wound waltzes right in ahead of you. How was it after I left?
Frasier: It was OK. Weird Bruce from Engineering took over for you.
[looking around]
Frasier: That's quite a boot collection. Wouldn't it be easier just to put notches in your bed post?
Roz: Those are mine. You hate the way I've decorated, don't you?
Frasier: No, no. Matter of fact, I admire your courage.
Roz: Is that for me?
Frasier: Oh, yes.
[hands box to her]
Frasier: Freud said that there are only two things we need to make us happy: work and love.
Roz: Aw, thanks, Frasier!
[opens the box]
Roz: So you brought me work.
Frasier: Well, I thought answering some of the fan mail that had been piling up would give you something to do. And remember, this time death threats don't get photos.
Frasier: Well, I can see the unseasonable sunshine has done nothing to improve your mood.
Roz: Well, how would you feel if you just lost the love of your life?
Frasier: Alimony aside, I found it rather liberating.
Bebe: [standing on the ledge outside the window] It's no good. My life is over.
Bulldog: You gotta save her, Doc. My contract's up in 6 weeks. She's my agent too.
Frasier: I'm going out there.
Roz: Are you nuts? It's 9 stories down. You know what a drop like that would do to you?
Frasier: Roz, why don't you toss a pumpkin out the window so I have a clear image.
[Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolized]
Roz: Well, why don't you go over and introduce yourself?
Niles: I can't just walk up to a god like that.
Roz: Well, find a subtler way.
Niles: In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?
Frasier: Roz, are you alright?
Gil: Of course not. She's ashen with terror. Spit it out Roz, who's the jack-booted tyrant whose fanny I'll be kissing till God knows when?
Roz: Me.
Gil: Joyful news, your majesty.
[kneels]
Roz: [opens her gift from Frasier] Oh, Frasier, they're beautiful! Earrings! Thank you, thank you!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [hugs her] You deserve them. Working side by side for three years, one can't help but become close friends. And they're blue! To match your
[realizes her eyes are not blue]
Dr. Frasier Crane: ... lips when they're cold.
Roz: Oh God, not her. I hate her! She's in my spinning class at the gym, I'm killing myself trying to take off these last five pregnancy pounds and nothing! Meanwhile she's down at the snack bar stuffing her face and waving to everybody, acting all friendly. She's such a phony.
Kit: Hi Roz!
Roz: Hey Kit, you were great in class tonight.
Kit: Are you kidding? I've been such an oinker lately.
Roz: Oh.
[they both laugh]
Kit: What can I get you?
Roz: Oh a non-fat latte for me.
Kit: Coming right up.
Roz: See what I mean, she's such a fake.
Maitre'D: Would any one of you like a drink?
Kirby: Yes. The lady and I will have the Coca Cola.
Roz: Yeah, make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack Daniels in it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, what are you doing out here? I'm sure Mr. Worth isn't interested in gift wrapping.
Henry: Nonsense, She's delightful. Now what kind of deal would you give me if I bought a hundred rolls?
Roz: I'd take off 20%.
Henry: And what would you take off if I bought 5000 rolls?
Roz: Everything but my bracelets.
[Every time Niles calls in to add his opinion to Frasier's show, Frasier genially welcomes him on - while beating the stuffing out of an inflatable clown]
Roz: I'm starting to regret betting on the clown.
Roz: [coming over to Frasier and Niles] This sucks!
Dr. Frasier Crane: What's the matter?
Roz: You sit down with someone and have a cup of coffee and think that they might just might lead you to something, like a life! Suddenly the trap door opens and you're right back in Roz's world!
Frasier: [finishing his broadcast] Well, that's our show for today, but let me remind you to tune in on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of "Nightmare Inn". Just set your dials for goosebumps. Till then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that you never know what's lurking in the shadows.
[laughs diabolically, goes off-air]
Roz: Well, that should certainly comfort the woman who called in about her paranoia.
Roz: Oh my God! How could I say "I really liked you and I thought you were cute." What am I - Marcia Brady?
Frasier: You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying. Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien.
Martin: Seems as good an explanation as any!
Frasier: He also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head.
Roz: How did Lilith find out?
Frasier: Well, apparently she was driving him and two of his friends to a Junior Mensa meeting, when she looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars. So, never have the words "*I* can see you!" caused so much screaming and wetting of pants!
Roz: Frasier, this is so boring! Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh, wait - that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!
Roz: Oh, Daphne, it's okay, it's okay; everything's gonna be fine.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but, in just about twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page 24 -
Daphne: He's not a diagram! He's my husband! And he's on a table with his chest cut open! I'm sorry if I can't handle this as well as the rest of you, but I'm terrified.
Roz: Daphne, it's okay; just calm down. I mean, when all this is over we're just gonna -
Daphne: There is no "when this is over"! There's no tomorrow, no next week, no next year - there's *nothing* until he comes out of there and I know he's okay!
Frasier: [reading obituary in newspaper] It's just a little upsetting.
Roz: Well, I don't think they meant to be insulting. You are lovably pompous.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, as Rachel helps Phil's wife off the floor, we have reached the end of our second hour. Now, we'll be right back after the news, so please join me again, Frasier Crane and my invaluable producer... ah...
[Frasier suddenly draws a blank as Roz gives him the death stare]
Roz: ROZ!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz! KACL Talk radio, 780 AM.
[Frasier goes to commercial and goes into Roz's booth]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, I'm so sorry. Your name was right there in front of me and I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Roz: Oh, forget about it. I already have.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's been happening to me a lot lately. Last night I walked into the kitchen and I just stood there. I couldn't remember what I'd gone in there for.
Roz: Don't make yourself crazy over it, it's completely normal. Oh, by the way, you hair stylist called to confirm your appointment.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I made an appointment with Timo? I don't remember that.
Roz: That's 'cause you didn't, I was just gas-lighting you.
[Roz laughs at him]
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not funny!
Roz: Actually, he took it very well. He's not going to be that involved, though. He moved to Cairo.
Dr. Niles Crane: Where would he have moved to if he had taken it badly?
Roz: I can't stay, I just stopped by to drop off your punch bowl.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Roz. Say, what kind of punch did you serve?
Roz: Well, first I filled it with ice. Then I just poured orange juice and vodka over it.
Frasier: Well, Roz, that's just a giant Screwdriver.
Roz: Yeah, so? What am I, Martha Stewart?
Roz: She made the whole thing herself from scratch! The crust, the meringue... she even baked it in a pie plate she fired in her own kiln!
Susanna: In my spare time, I use my power of invisibility to fight crime.
Roz: Am I overselling this a little?
Roz: Okay, here goes. I have this friend and I think you two would really hit it off.
Frasier: And you were wondering if I might meet her for a drink, which might lead to dinner, and then after that who knows where?
Roz: Yes, exactly.
Frasier: [suddenly gets concerned] Ooh, oh Roz. Do you hear that?
Roz: What?
Frasier: If you listen very carefully, you can actually hear my skin crawling!
Frasier: Roz, what exactly does call screening mean?
Roz: It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.
Roz: Hi, Frasier.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You may join me if you wish, Roz. Be forewarned, I am feeling a bit peevish.
Roz: Oh, for God's sake, you're like Goldilocks with that latte. "This foam is too hard, this foam is too soft"...
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, this is not about latte foam, Roz!
Roz: But Frasier, you don't think God is going to strike Niles down if you get in an argument, do you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, technically, the way it's structured, he'd come after me, seeing as I was the one who initiated the deal, you see.
Derek: So what's it gonna be, Crane, are you going to fight me or not?
Frasier: Oh, you can't be serious.
Derek: Just like I figured, you're chicken.
Frasier: No, I just don't think that civilized people behave that way. You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion about that subject? Who do we have on the line?
Roz: Well, lines 1 through 8 are people who think you're chicken.
Niles: Dr. Mandell?
Dr. Rob Mandel: Oh, hi Niles.
Roz: You two know each other?
Dr. Rob Mandel: Sure. How's the teeth bleaching going?
Niles: [embarrassed] Fine, thanks.
Roz: Let's go, Rob. It's a long way to row C from the cancellation line.
Dr. Rob Mandel: Hang in there, guys. I wouldn't be surprised if you get lucky.
Niles: I'd be stupefied if you didn't.
[Rob and Roz exit]
Frasier: I knew you were bleaching them.
Niles: Oh...
Frasier: "No, really, I just changed toothpastes."
Dr. Frasier Crane: Is that a good sign?
Roz: Hello? She might as well have cat-roped you with her pantyhose!
Roz: Where did we go wrong? Rush Hour Rita was draping herself all over you, and that news guy actually said to me if I gave him twenty-two minutes he'd give me the world.
Roz: [on the phone] Thanks for watching Alice, Laurie. I really owe you one... Well, I just want to get down to this cocktail party before all the good men are taken... What? I just want to have a little fun tonight... No. I do not mean that. All right, I do mean that.
Roz: [knock at the door] I'm sorry Mrs. Wozniak. I know the balcony is not for sex play.
Frasier: It's Frasier. And by the way - charming.
Daphne: How was the opera?
Frasier: Lovely. Get out!
[turns off the TV]
Roz: Hey, that movie's not over!
Frasier: That's too bad, Roz. There's a stunning woman on her way over here, I don't want her thinking I'm running some kind of maudlin sorority house. Now come on, shake a leg!
Roz: You actually spoke to her? You didn't wimp out?
Frasier: You have never seen me so suave.
Roz: Oh, some Valentine's Day! First my date bails on me and now I owe Daphne fifty bucks!
Martin: Oh, don't worry about it, Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Dr. Niles Crane: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Dr. Niles Crane: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Different list, Daph.
Niles: [notices Daphne's tacky, revealing dress] Daphne, you're not actually going out in that, are you?
Daphne: [throws the dress away and falls back onto the bed] That's it, I'm staying home.
Roz: No, just try it; we can accessorize it.
Niles: With what? A lamp post and a public defender?
Roz: Wait, you have her access code for her answering machine?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, luckily I set it up with her. I gave her an access code that would be easy to remember - my birthday.
Martin: What's so easy about May 7th?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I wouldn't know, Dad. My birthday's in March!
Roz: Alright, we're here with Martin and we're talking about first dates. Martin, tell me some of the tricks you use to impress women.
Martin: Hmm... well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Roz, but I really don't know any tricks. I mean, if a woman agreed to go out with me, I'd er, well, I'm not there to impress her or to play cool. I'm there because I want to know her; er, what she thinks; er, what she likes, so that if I'm lucky enough to get another date I can plan something that I know she'd like to do. I guess I'm still old-fashioned or something, but I think you should treat a woman like a queen.
[Roz and Daphne both sigh longingly]
Martin: [to Frasier and Niles] Bow to the master, boys. Bow to the master.
Rick: Hey, Roz! How you doing?
Roz: Fine, thanks.
Rick: Well, what can I get you?
Roz: Uh, I'll have a decaf.
Rick: Be right back.
[Rick goes to the counter]
Frasier: He's a nice kid, Rick.
Roz: Yes, he is.
Frasier: Working here to put himself through school, right?
Roz: Yes, he is.
Frasier: He's the father, isn't he?
Roz: Yes, he is.
Roz: When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset that he has to drop out of college.
Frasier: How long are you going to stay mad at me?
Roz: Until the day I get married.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ever since Niles made that basket, his head's been getting bigger and bigger.
Roz: Well, you have to admit it was pretty amazing.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Amazingly lucky! To hear Niles tell it, it all started with a little rubber factory in Sumatra, where an unsuspecting basketball began a journey that would lead to greatness.
Frasier: Now, you were saying something about my dad's bachelor party?
Roz: Yeah. Weren't you having a problem deciding on the entertainment?
Frasier: Oh, yes.
Roz: Well, there's this girl in my spin class, and she does it all - strips, lap dances, movies.
Frasier: Really? Would I be familiar with her work?
Roz: I don't know, have you seen "Grinding Nemo"?
Daphne: [Frasier is having a hysterical breakdown] Well don't blame this on me! She brought the bloody tape over!
Roz: Oh, so this is all my fault? You saw that tape!
Daphne: I've seen your baby too, she could stand to miss a meal or two!
Roz: She's a healthy baby!
Dr. Frasier Crane: We have wine club tonight, and I'm sort of counting on Niles to help me become "Cork Master."
Roz: But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh my God! This is unbelievable! A man has quit his job because of a rumor that you spread!
Roz: [livid] *ME?* The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of them; I didn't realize you were unclear on this concept!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm a bad, bad man.
Roz: [thinking Rick's knocking at the door] I said go away!
Frasier: BUT-I-JUST-GOT-HERE!
Frasier: [Opening his radio show] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Who's on the line, Roz?
Roz: We have Mitch on line three. He's having trouble with his neighbors.
Frasier: Hello, Mitch.
Mitch: Make that *had* trouble. This idiot next door had his leaf-blower going at 7:00am, again
Frasier: Oh, that's very inconsiderate.
Mitch: Yeah, I'll say. That's why I decided to give him an "etiquette lesson." I grabbed that leaf-blower and smashed it against a tree.
[Frasier is taken aback by this. Roz, however, seems amused]
Frasier: Mitch, I must say I'm stunned. I can't imagine a more extreme response to such a minor infraction.
[Niles has asked Roz to take him to a singles bar she calls "The Sure Thing."]
Niles: Well, I'm here. I forgot to gargle, I'm wearing mismatched socks, and I'm so nervous, I could wet myself.
Roz: Well, at least we have your opening line down.
Niles: You're going to have to be patient with me, Roz; this isn't exactly my milieu.
Roz: Okay, let's make that lesson number one: If you're going to use words like "milieu," you might as well show up here with a sore on your lip and a couple of kids.
Daphne: [Daphne and Roz want to set Frasier up on a date] No, we should go with my person first. You don't have the best track record.
Roz: Me? Whenever you've set me up with guys, I knew they were losers the second I saw them. They turned out to be bad in bed, too.
Dr. Niles Crane: If you attack her like that, aren't you just descending to her level?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Roz, maybe they're right. I mean, look at what this woman has reduced me to already, trading barbs, yelling over the air. Now spreading rumors about her? Is that any way for a psychiatrist to deal with conflict?
Roz: Don't you wimp out on me!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, Roz, just think about it. There may be a better way. You know, Dr. Nora is clearly a damaged and angry woman. Maybe I could find out what's at the root of that anger and help her, also proving that my method of therapy is the more valid one.
Frasier: [Frasier, doing his radio show; Roz is uncharacteristically not on top of her game] Roz, who's on the line?
Roz: Uh, on line four we have Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted.
[dial tone; Ted has been disconnected]
Frasier: Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.
Roz: On line two we have Bill. He's going through a very difficult transition.
Frasier: Hello, Bill.
Woman on the Line (Roz's Manicurist): Uh, hello? Is someone there?
Frasier: Well, I see we're pretty much through our transition, aren't we, Bill?
Woman on the Line (Roz's Manicurist): This is Dorothy
Roz: [realizing] Oh, Bill's on line one!
Frasier: Yes, well, let's just stick with Dorothy for the time being. How can I help you?
Woman on the Line (Roz's Manicurist): You can get me Roz. I'm her manicurist, and she called for an appointment.
Roz: I'll call you back later, Dorothy.
Frasier: Perhaps we'd better take a moment to regroup. I'd like to apologize for the unusually high number of technical difficulties we've experienced today, and now we will go to these public service messages.
[Frasier goes to commercial]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'd like to just say, as I've been saying for the last three hours, that it was not my intent to... cause anyone offense. But it seems obvious that I have, I would like to say this: I apologize. I do not find Seattle a depressing place to live. It would take more than clouds to obscure the beauty of her landscape and more than drizzle to dampen the warmth and good fellowship that makes Seattle the only place in this bad old world that I care to call home. 'Till Monday, then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane signing off.
[Frasier presses a button on his control panel and takes his headset off]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good grief! Have you ever in your life heard such a bunch of whiny, provincial crybabies? I swear to God, this entire city has lost its tiny, rain-addled mind!
Roz: Uh, Dr. Crane, we're still on the air.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [awkward pause] Thank you, Roz.
Roz: They're taking us off the air.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What, since when?
Roz: Well while you were out looking for Gatorade to pour over yourself, Kenny stopped by and said we're off the air for a week.
[Niles's counseling has turned around a basketball player's game, making him the toast of Seattle]
Niles: I must admit I find this all a bit mystifying. Do people really care this much about a basketball game?
Roz: Are you kidding? This is Seattle. It rains nine months out of the year. We take our indoor sports very seriously.
Niles: Well, I know you always have!
Roz: [forcing a smile] You're a hero today so I'm going to let that one go.
Frasier: Oh look, there's Niles. No, no, don't look! Pretend we don't even see him.
Roz: Real mature, Frasier.
Frasier: Thanks to that backstabber, I will never get to say the phrase that I've been rehearsing for a lifetime: "If you need me, I'll be at my club."
Roz: She plays chess, she loves your show, and I know this sort of thing doesn't matter to people like you, but I've seen her in the shower at the gym and...
Frasier: Oh please.
[walks out]
Roz: she has a body that makes Bo Derek look like Bo Diddley.
Frasier: [pokes his head back in] A chess player, did you say?
Roz: First of all, enough with the earrings. Everything doesn't have to be so fancy. Don't get me wrong. Jewelry is terrific, but sometimes a woman likes to know that you're paying attention. Mix it up a little. Do something crazy - I mean totally out there.
Dr. Niles Crane: Are you talking about scarves?
Roz: OK, let me give you an example. When I was 20, my boyfriend stole a "Doyle's Pub" sign for me. We were drunk and we saw it, and he said "Hey, that's your name on that sign. You should have it." It was spontaneous, and a little dangerous... and very romantic!
Dr. Niles Crane: Spontaneous and dangerous... Thanks, Roz. You've given me something to mull over during my herbal wrap.
Roz: [on Noel] He's been acting so weird lately.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Lately? May I remind you this is the man required by law to stay at least 100 yards away from William Shatner?
Roz: Oh, well who would have thought it? Mr. PBS watching a trashy mini-series.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't think it's trashy at all! In fact, I think the intricacies of the plot are downright Dickensian.
Roz: Yeah, Angie Dickensian!
Roz: So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.
Frasier: Roz, why are you telling me this story?
Roz: I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned.
Frasier: Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight?
Roz: Your shoe's untied.
[Frasier looks down]
Roz: If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard.
Roz: I read an article that said listening to classical music makes toddlers smarter. Something about making their brain bigger, or wider... I don't know.
Frasier: I believe the word you're looking for is "smartified."
Roz: Oh, yeah? Well guess which word I'm looking for now.
Roz: Look, Dr. Crane, I got to be honest with you here. It's just that I think psychiatry is, just, sort of, kind of... bull.
Frasier: Oh well, this is a match made in heaven then, isn't it?
Roz: Oh, don't be offended...
Frasier: "Don't be offended"? Why should I be offended? In the last week I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career. In the first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show. Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!
Roz: Okay, I'll be honest with you. When we first started working together, I had a little crush on you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really?
Roz: Yeah, sure. I mean, you were handsome and sophisticated and you had your French suits and your Italian shoes...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Actually, it was vice-versa, but go on, go on.
Roz: [Looking in Frasier's bag] Is this for us too?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, actually this is another "Dancing Santa" for Dad. His other one got damaged.
Roz: I thought you threw that thing over the balcony.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, which damaged it.
Roz: Listen, there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself on your vacation. After all, you do work three hours a day.
[Frasier stands up, annoyed]
Roz: I'm sorry. That one even surprised me!
[Roz is picking up trash on the roadside]
Roz: About a month ago, I got stopped doing sixty in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone. It was either a huge fine or community service. So here I am. It's a nightmare. Breathing exhaust fumes, using a spatula to scrape up road kills...
Frasier: Well, at least look on the bright side. You're outdoors, you can enjoy nature, you're beautifying our highways...
Roz: Frasier, I found an ear!
Frasier: Why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion, we end up talking about your sex life?
Roz: Because I have one.
Roz: You and Julia?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, Roz, if you took the time to get to know her, you'd see that she's really not such a bad person.
Roz: Like get to know her naked, you mean.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No. I think she's been misjudged. Sure, she has a lot of walls up, but there must be something good inside if it needs that much protection.
Roz: Oh well, there are walls around prisons, too.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, your opinion has been noted.
Roz: There are walls around insane asylums, cholera wards, nuclear facilities, gator farms...
Roz: [to Kenny, who has passed the presenter's role to Martin] You are such a weenie.
Kenny: Yeah, weenie like a fox.
Bob: So, Roz, who's the proud papa? You got it narrowed down yet?
[laughs]
Roz: That's nice, very nice. Frasier, will you excuse us?
Frasier: Yes, of course. Just remember the baby's future, Roz. Try to make it look like an accident.
[Frasier leaves]
Bob: Look, I was just kidding. I'm sure you probably know who the dad is.
Roz: Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you remember Janet's party a couple months ago? You got really drunk and I drove you home?
Bob: Yeah... what about it?
Roz: Well, you invited me up, and I guess I'd had a few myself, because the next thing I knew...
Bob: [terrified] No, whoa - I don't believe this. I don't even remember us...
Roz: Now calm down, Bulldog.
Bob: No, come on, please, just tell me you're joking!
Roz: Look, we don't have to get married right away...
Bob: Oh, man! Oh, man!
[he paces, chewing his knuckles; she caresses his back]
Roz: I thought you'd be happy about this. I mean, we were wonderful together. When you made love to me, you were so tender and caring...
Bob: Hey, whoa! Ha, ha! "Tender and caring?" No way was that me! Yeah, you almost had me! Good one, Roz!
Frasier: You know Roz, if you're stuck, my dad's going to San Francisco for the weekend. You can always stay with me.
Roz: Wow, that would sure make things easier.
[quick]
Roz: Okay.
Frasier: [surprised] Well then, that's settled. That's that, then.
Roz: [realizes] Oh, you were just being polite, you didn't really mean for me to take you up on it.
Frasier: [covering] No, no, no, no. I wouldn't have suggested it if it wasn't something I wanted to do. You should know that.
Roz: All right.
Waitress: [brings coffee and bill] Here you go. There's your check.
Roz: I'll get that.
Frasier: No, no, no, let me get that.
Roz: Okay.
Frasier: [She hands it to him] Well then, lucky me - I'm getting everything I want today.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Roz is on a laptop] Oh, what are you up to?
Roz: Oh, they put in phone jacks so you can go on-line. I was just talking to this guy who sounds really great.
[Frasier sighs at the idea]
Roz: What? I'm a very busy person, how else am I going to meet people?
Dr. Frasier Crane: It just seems so impersonal, Roz. God, what ever happened to human contact? Engaging people, face to face, eye to eye.
Roz: There's your dad.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [turns away] Don't let him see me!
Roz: You're lost, aren't you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Like a Bedouin in a sandstorm!
Frasier: [has everyone tell him his faults] Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne: Pretentious.
Frasier: Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
Roz: Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier: Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz: And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier: A tad loquacious.
Martin: Pretentious.
Frasier: Dad, I already wrote that down.
Martin: Underline it.
Niles: Oh, snippy.
Daphne: Sarcastic.
Martin: Bossy.
Niles: Huffy.
Roz: Vain.
Frasier: Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!
Martin: Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Niles: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Niles: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Wrong list, Daph.
Roz: This isn't over between us. If you want to, I'll take this out on the street.
Dr. Nora Fairchild: That would hardly be fair. You'd have the home field advantage.
[Niles is obsessing about not being invited to any more society functions]
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh wait, wait. I know what happened. My invitation just got lost in the mail... No, it's not so far fetched. It could have been mis-sorted, or a stamp could have fallen off, or it could have been stolen by my mail carrier. Ho-downs are catnip to postal workers!
[Roz enters in time to catch the last sentence]
Roz: Well, I'd ask you to explain that, but then... you would.
Roz: Frasier, what do you expect, it's their house.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, but I helped to build it.
Roz: Okay, untangling extension cords and stirring paint isn't exactly building a house.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, listen, I'm going to the opera tonight. You didn't happen to remember to bring my...
Roz: Oh, your opera glasses! I'm so sorry, they completely slipped my mind.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I wouldn't really mind, if you hadn't borrowed them just to ogle that bodybuilder that moved in across the street.
Roz: Hey, I've just looked once or twice. It's not like I copied his name off his mailbox, so I could look up his number and call him while he was in the shower, so I could watch him cross the room naked to answer the phone in front of the picture window. That would be wrong.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Look, I want them back. I refuse to squint through Pagliacci while you're trying to watch "The Magic Flute"!
Bulldog: Oh, by the way: Roz, baby or no baby, your ass has never looked better.
Roz: Shut up!
[Bulldog exits]
Roz: How sick is that?
Frasier: Well, he's just being Bulldog.
Roz: No - that I liked hearing it?
Roz: Okay, Eddie, hit the "talk" button.
[Eddie does so]
Roz: And you're listening to "The Best of Crane" on KACL. We'll be back after these messages.
Noel: [Noel enters] Well, well. The fox and the hound working together. How ironic.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Gosh, Roz, isn't that great news? I feel as if a weight has been lifted from me. Oh, it's marvelous!
Roz: She's charging you more money and we just lost Spokane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Big picture! The future is firmly in front of me!
Roz: Isn't the future always in front of you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, but not firmly!
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, it's a shame Mel had to leave.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh yeah, you know, we were having such a good time.
Martin: Yes, Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: You know, I was nervous bringing her over here.
[Frasier and Niles sit down on the couch as Martin sits in his recliner]
Dr. Niles Crane: Actually, I was concerned what you'd think, you know, getting to really know her for the first time. So?
Roz: [Before Frasier or Martin can answer] Ooh, I'm going to go let Eddie in.
[Roz heads for the balcony]
Dr. Niles Crane: Come on, seriously, I want you to be totally honest. Tell me, what do you think of Mel?
Daphne: [entering from the kitchen while waiting on the phone] Oh, I don't like her at all, she's bossy and fussy and mean. She's all wrong for you.
[into phone]
Daphne: Yes, I need a large pepperoni pizza, and some cheese bread!
[Niles is alarmed by Daphne's comments as she heads back to the kitchen]
Martin: I'm sure she didn't mean that, Niles.
[Martin follows Daphne into kitchen]
Dr. Niles Crane: [recovering] Well, that was startling.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, well, don't take that seriously, Niles. You know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another.
Roz: [returning from the balcony] Oh, that's great, I leave the room for one second and you rat me out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, Roz...
Roz: [pouring herself another Bloody Mary] No, it's okay, I don't have anything to hide and I'm not irrational. She's pushy, demanding and a gigantic pain in the ass! I'd dump her like radioactive waste.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, so that's two of you in the Anti-Mel camp
Roz: [to Frasier] Oh, did you tell him what you thought of Mel too?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, Daphne did.
Roz: Oops.
[Roz heads for the kitchen]
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I just think she's Maris all over again, she's manipulative... I think you're repeating a terrible pattern.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, isn't this neat? We all have our individual reasons for disliking her.
[he looks up to see Martin returning from the kitchen with Daphne]
Dr. Niles Crane: Hey, Dad, what's your reason for disliking Mel?
Daphne: [to Martin] So you did tell him what you think of her and after shoving me into the kitchen and shaking your freakin' finger at me!
Martin: She's crazy, Niles, I don't know what she's talking about...
Dr. Niles Crane: [getting up from the couch to get his coat] No, no, that's all right, Dad. I, er, I asked you all to be honest and you were. I got my answer. You know what would have been nice? Is if one of you could have found one nice thing to say about her.
[Niles exits and slams the door behind him in disgust. Frasier, Roz, Daphne and Martin look around in guilt for a few moments]
Daphne: She does have that X-ray vision.
Frasier: Do you find tea works on your forehead?
Roz: No, I just found a bag that matches my shoes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Roz, you look beautiful!
Roz: Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: But we're not going.
Roz: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it.
Roz: Frasier, I hired a babysitter... twice, I did my makeup... twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress... twice, only to be stood up... twice!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, technically you only did your hair once.
Roz: SHUT UP!
[hits him with her handbag]
Roz: You know, some day you're gonna need another favor from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I have a pretty good idea.
Roz: Well, DO IT TWICE!
Roz: [on the phone] Oh, come on George, I'm desperate here. I promise you a good time, a REALLY good time, if you get my drift... You might have mentioned that I was on speaker-phone!
[Roz's friend at the retirement home died suddenly]
Roz: It just seems so unfair.
[Niles enters]
Roz: One minute he's lying in the bed, smiling and happy, ten seconds later it's over.
Niles: For heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life. Why can't you women take it as a compliment?
Roz: Would you stop worrying about me, Frasier? This one's different. I can tell he really cares about me.
Ben: [handing Roz her coffee] Here you go, Sunshine.
Roz: Hi, Frasier. So how did it go with Rita last night?
Dr. Frasier Crane: She didn't quite take to me.
Roz: Oh, you're just being hard on yourself like you always are.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You tell me. Over appetizers, she suddenly remembered that she had a very early morning meeting, so she suggested we skip the jazz club after dinner.
Roz: People have meetings.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Mmm-hmm. When the waiter suggested a soufflé for dessert that would take an extra thirty minutes she said, "Oh dear God, no!"
Roz: She was probably on a diet.
Dr. Frasier Crane: After I dropped her off at home, I noticed she had left her suede jacket in my car. I called to offer to swing it by and she said, and I quote, "Just keep it."
Roz: What did you do to her?
Kenny: So, Bike-A-Thon, you're in, right?
Julia: Nah, I can't be bothered, I'll just send a check.
Kenny: Oh, cheese and rice, what's wrong with you people?
Julia: Relax, Kenny, I'm just pulling your leg. How can I not go? This is funding AIDS research, for God's sake. I know you think I'm heartless and self-centered, but at least give me credit for being human.
Kenny: Well, Frasier's not going.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [gives a loud, forced, fake laugh] What? Kenny, come on! I was pulling your leg too! I tell you what, we should have a fund raiser for your sense of humor! All right, I'll see you there.
[ducks into Roz's booth]
Roz: You're pathetic.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know.
Roz: [to Frasier] I hope you're happy! According to Betsy, the switchboard has logged over 50 irate calls!
Bob: Fifty? Damn, you topped my record! The most I ever got was 35 when I read that commentary, "Lady Umpires--Finally a Chest Worth Protecting!"
Roz: Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I would have thrown you a party at the station.
Frasier: Question asked, question answered.
[Niles walks in and sees Roz and Frasier kissing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just...
[as she keeps nuzzling him]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just stop that!
Dr. Niles Crane: Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the Archbishop.
Roz: I'll save you the club dues.
Dr. Niles Crane: What-?
[Roz kisses Niles and exits]
Dr. Niles Crane: Everyone kisses better than Maris!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Roz] You know, Fletcher Grey really deserves this award. If we win, can't we just not accept it?
Roz: [grabbing him by the shirt] Listen, Frasier! I have waited ten years to get this award and if I have to crawl over Fletcher Grey's mother to get it, I'll DO IT!
[Frasier is taken aback by this behavior]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [recovering] Roz, I... I've never seen you like this before.
Roz: It isn't pretty, is it?
Roz: Niles called from the airport; he wants you to call him back. He sounded frantic!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'll call him from the car. He's flying to a conference in Switzerland; I promised to talk him through it.
Roz: Surely he's flown before?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, not coach!
[Roz is trying to set Frasier up]
Roz: When was the last time you were with a woman? Seems like almost a year.
Frasier: Oh, it has not been that long. I mean, that is a laugh! Hah! The last time was... er... well, let's see... Well, the tree was still up... Oh, God!
Frasier: [after meeting Sam's fiancee, Sheila] Oh, my god.
Roz: She was cute, but she's not an 'oh, my god.'
Frasier: No, no, no. Not that 'oh, my god.' Oh. my god I slept with that woman three months ago.
Roz: [Niles and Roz gape at him] *You* slept with *her*?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?
Roz: So Martin, why don't you tell Niles your new idea?
Martin: Well, actually, it was Roz's idea, but I think she might have something, you know? You know, Frasier and I have been kinda buttin' heads lately...
Niles: Well, Frasier has been very difficult. I don't know how you live with him.
Martin: Well, that was Roz's idea. She suggested that I move in with you for a while.
Niles: [dumbstruck] Did she?
Martin: Yeah. You know, we talked about it when I first got shot, but of course Maris was the problem. So I guess the big question now is: Do you still want me?
Niles: [a fake smile pasted on] Oh, don't be silly. I want you just as much now as I wanted you then.
Roz: Oh, you can't blame her, Frasier. Who wants to get in hair and makeup at eight in the morning?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, somebody better. I'm being profiled, it's going to look like I can't even scare up a date.
Roz: You scared that one pretty good.
Gil: A word of caution on the hummus: To be avoided, as a leper would avoid a magic teacup ride.
Roz: Gil, Frasier made that.
Gil: Oh I'm so sorry.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's quite all right. I understand. You need to flex your critical muscles while you're between jobs.
Gil: Oh good, then you might enjoy this one: After sampling your unnuanced baba ganoush, I was tempted to describe your entire Middle-Eastern buffet as 'The Sorrow and the Pita.' Oh who's got a pencil, I've got to write that one down.
Roz: [Roz, Martin and Frasier are trapped in Maris' bathroom. Looking through the keyhole] I don't see Maris. Maybe she left.
[she looks again]
Roz: No, wait. She's still there. I see her coat on a hatrack.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Look again, very carefully. Did it move?
[Roz gives Frasier a horrified look at the realization she was seeing Maris]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Your advice was spot on.
Roz: It should be. I've heard you say the same stuff for ten years now. Confront your emotions, communicate, seek counseling.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I didn't realize my advice had become so predictable.
Roz: Well, it's not your fault everyone calls with the same dumb-ass problems.
Dr. Frasier Crane: They're not the same problems. What about that--that caller last week, the sleepwalking transvestite who kept breaking off his heels in sewer grates?
Roz: Yeah, I remember him. You told him to seek counseling.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [indignant] Yes, I also told him to wear flats.
Dr. Frasier Crane: How are things with Mr. Claus?
Roz: I haven't had a chance to ask him out yet.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What's the matter? Low elf esteem?
Roz: How long have you been working on that one?
Martin: You know, Roz, back when I was a cop, we always used to make fun of security guards. I guess now I'll have to start making fun of the crossing guards.
Roz: Who do crossing guards make fun of?
Martin: I don't know... kids, I guess.
[they laugh]
Dr. Niles Crane: Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here?
Roz: Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a telephone pole.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You said you were getting a tune-up!
Roz: [leaving hastily] It needs one, trust me!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [going crazy from a chirping cricket] Do you have any idea what it's like to be awakened intermittently throughout an entire night?
Roz: I have a three year old. I can't remember the last time I slept through a night.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, of course. But this constant chirping and chirping, over and over. Really, you can't imagine it.
Roz: Really? Did the cricket crawl into bed with you? Did the cricket throw up on you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Gee, I wish I had a three year old, so I could win every argument.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [on phone] Hello? Yes? Niles, Niles slow down. I can hardly understand you.
Roz: What is it?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Maris is missing? What? No, I don't think you should drag the koi pond!
Bob: Hey doc. Roz. Wait till you hear this. I got a job today.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really?
Bob: You ought to rub me for good luck.
Roz: Where?
Bob: Well start on my knee, work your way up.
Roz: Where's the job?
Bob: Oh, it's this new all-sports station. I got the breakfast slot. I even came up with a slogan: 'Coffee, eggs and Bulldog.'
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sounds like some sort of a Malaysian Happy Meal.
[Frasier gets a panic-stricken call from Niles, telling him Maris is missing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, Roz, how much time left in the show?
Roz: No, you go, do whatever you have to do, I'll handle things here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're sure you can manage?
Roz: If I can nurse quadruplets and still find time to rule Rozniak, I can do anything!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [on trying a matchmaker] So I gave her the money and I filled out the questionnaire.
Roz: You fudged a little bit on your answers, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, of course not. Why would I?
Roz: Because nobody's honest on those things. There's a code people use. Like "mature" means old, "athletic" means flat- chested, and, uh... oh, "not model thin" means circus fat.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You haven't been pining over me since we slept together?
Roz: God no! Weren't you there?
Roz: You know what Barry was doing from 10 O'clock until midnight?
Dr. Frasier Crane: What?
Roz: Me! That's what. He's not gay.
Frasier: What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?
Roz: I get dressed and go home.
Roz: If you want to know if a man is cheating, you offer him two choices for dinner. One that's rich and fattening, and one that's light and sensible. If he picks the one that's calorie-packed, he doesn't mind turning into a bloated pig, which means he's happily married and you're in the clear. If he picks the diet plate, it means he's staying in shape for his main squeeze, and you should get yourself a lawyer who can sue the sweat off a racehorse.
Gil: And so, in the opinion of this critic, Mickey's Good Time Tavern is anything but. Dismal decor, perfunctory service, and cuisine that's only marginally preferable to hunger. And finally, on a sadder note, after fifty-three years in the same location, Orsini's is closing its doors. And so tonight a sad adieu to the grand dame of Seattle restaurants.
Roz: [aside to Frasier] I thought *he* was the grand dame of Seattle restaurants.
Daphne: Why are you being so weird? He seems perfect.
Roz: I don't know. Just wasn't what I was expecting. Something's missing.
Daphne: Like what?
Roz: I don't know. Well, at the mall he has all this warmth and he's got this jolly sense of humor. Oh, you should see him when he laughs, his whole stomach shakes.
Daphne: Oh, my God. You're in love with Santa Claus.
Roz: Give me a break.
Daphne: Admit it. You want the jelly belly.
Roz: Okay, don't be gross.
Daphne: You want to bang boots with the big boy.
Roz: I've got to get to work.
Daphne: You want to get your paws on the Claus is more like it.
Roz: Stop it Daphne! That's enough!
Daphne: One more: you're a Ho, Ho, Ho.
Frasier: Hello Seattle, the people who know me best will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you: I am not a man who betrays his principles. I am not a man who misleads his listeners and I am not a man who will shrink from a fight. Today I find myself in a fight over the content of my show. But rather than truffle to the forces of commercialism, I've decided to take a stand on principal, even if it means...
[Roz enters his booth]
Frasier: I'm not on the air, am I?
Roz: No. He put on The Best of Crane.
Frasier: How much did I get out?
Roz: Well, let's see.
Frasier: [Roz presses a button]
[Voice over]
Frasier: People who know me best will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you: I am not a man.
[In person]
Frasier: Perfect.
[Roz enters the cafe]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, good morning, Roz.
Roz: Good morning.
[she grabs Frasier and kisses him. He wrestles free]
Dr. Frasier Crane: What the hell was that?
Roz: [looks behind her] Oh, shoot! He's not even here!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Who?
Roz: Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month? I thought he was right behind me. I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we get married and have some children, that will really fix his wagon.
Roz: How could you have done that?
Frasier: Well, it was just an offhand remark, how did I know how she'd react?
Roz: She's Bebe! If you had said you liked my eyes, they would have been on your desk tomorrow in a Tiffany box!
[Frasier's single life has been upset by his father moving in with him]
Roz: Ever heard of Lupe Velez?
Frasier: Who?
Roz: Lupe Velez, the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her.
Frasier: Is there a reason you're telling me this story?
Roz: Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.
Frasier: Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet.
Roz: All she wanted was to be remembered. Will you ever forget that story?
Frasier: How was I today?
Roz: Let's see... you dropped two commercials, you left a total of twenty-eight seconds of dead air, you scrambled the station's call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board, and you kept referring to Jerry, with the identity crisis, as "Jeff."
Roz: I'm ecumenical. I embrace men of all faiths.
Roz: [breaking down crying after finding out her milk expired] Don't you get it? Milk's a staple! I let a staple go bad! Mothers don't let staples go bad! How can I take care of a baby when I can't even keep fresh milk in the house? Kids NEED milk!
Frasier: Roz, if it helps, babies don't even drink milk for the first year.
Roz: You see? I didn't even know that!
Frasier: Well I didn't find out either until after I was a father.
Roz: Don't you get it? I have to know EVERYTHING! You can know HALF of everything. You can know about the milk and Lilith can know about the booties and the snugglies.
Frasier: You never met Lilith, did you?
Roz: What'd you guys do today?
Bulldog: Oh, we fed the ducks! We rode the horses at the park, then we came back here for a whole jar of peas!
Roz: Peas? How did you get her to eat those?
Bulldog: There's a trick to it. You gotta pretend to sneeze them out of your nose.
Roz: [amazed] How did you come up with that?
Bulldog: It's an interesting story...
Roz: Actually, don't tell me.
Frasier: My aunt died. I'm off to her lawyer's now. She put me in charge of her memorial.
Roz: Oh I'm so sorry.
Frasier,12446: Don't be. She was a dreadful old harpy, made everyone's life around her miserable.
Roz: That should look nice on her headstone.
Frasier: Well, I don't mean any disrespect, but you know, the entire time I knew her, she never said anything to me that wasn't scornful, derisive, or contemptuous.
Roz: So how come she made you in charge of her memorial?
Frasier: I was her favorite.
Roz: You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career going down the toilet.
Frasier: Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight.
Roz: Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks!
Frasier: Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!
Roz: Okay, let me make it easy for you: freaks! Freaks on Line One! Freaks on Line Two! Freaks everywhere!
Daphne: [Daphne, in discomfort from a product she used on her eyes, interrupts Frasier a conversation between Frasier and Eve, a woman he is trying to woo] Look, I don't mean to ruin your evening, but I can't stay at the party like this. Look at my eyes.
Frasier: [Niles, dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac, approaches, drunk and under the mistaken impression that Daphne is pregnant and Frasier is the father] Well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault. You should have read the directions on the package before you used it.
[Niles is in disbelief]
Daphne: I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me. I just know I need a lift home right now.
Frasier: Oh, all right, but I'm not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number, so you can just sit down, have a drink, smoke a cigarette if you like, for God's sake.
[Niles is appalled]
Frasier: I'm sorry. I'm very attracted to this young woman and I'm not going to let you or your little problem stand in my way.
Niles: [fed up] That's enough!
Frasier: Niles, get your big nose out of this. Lower your voice, you're embarrassing yourself.
Niles: The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother, you cad, you bounder, you r-r-r-roue!
Frasier: Well, what is so wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number?
Niles: We're not interested in your next conquest, we're talking about your last one; and before you deny it, I have plenty of proof.
Frasier: From here, it smells like eighty proof!
Niles: A woman stands here before you in dire need.
Daphne: It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me.
Niles: [takes hold of her arm] Indeed you can.
Martin: Niles...
Niles: [to Martin] I told you, don't try to stop me!
[to Frasier]
Niles: You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman, then you aren't man enough to stand by her?
Frasier: Niles, before you make a complete ass out of yourself...
Niles: Stop, or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry!
[draws sword, but the blade breaks off and remains sheathed]
Daphne: But Dr. Crane, you...
Niles: No, no, don't defend him. There may be one bastard in this family, but as long as I have anything to say about it, your baby won't be another.
[gets down on one knee; takes her hand]
Niles: Daphne, will you marry me?
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile! Daphne's not the one who's pregnant! Roz is!
Niles: Roz is?
Eve: Who's Roz?
Bulldog: She's the one dressed like "O."
Everyone: Oh...
Daphne: [to Niles] That was very gallant, Dr. Crane. Perhaps you should propose to Roz.
Martin: If anybody's gonna propose to Roz, it's Frasier!
Frasier: What?
Martin: How could you do that? Get her pregnant?
Gil: It was Frasier?
Frasier: No! Listen, everybody, I am not the father of Roz's baby! In fact, we don't even know for sure if there IS a baby!
[Roz appears at the top of the stairs]
Roz: We do now.
Roz: You are not gonna believe what just happened. Bulldog just told me he loved me.
Frasier: What?
Roz: Yeah, he made Ted bring me home early. It turns out he's been scaring my dates off all week.
Frasier: Well, what did you say to him?
Roz: I tried to let him down easy. I felt sorry for the guy.
Frasier: Bulldog. Wow, he's full of surprises, isn't he?
Roz: Who'd have thought? You know what's really weird? I'm gonna miss him. Look at this. Never had to worry about Alice, he kept this place so neat, and it was really nice to have someone to... someone to come home to.
Dr. Niles Crane: [Frasier reluctantly agrees to go to a dog show with him] Thank you, thank you, I knew I could count on you for this, Frasier. It's nice to know that some things never change.
Roz: [a flustered Roz enters the cafe, carrying two suitcases] Do you guys know where I can get a cheap hotel room in a hurry?
Dr. Niles Crane: Case in point! Goodbye, Roz.
Roz: [Frasier and Martin are making a lot of noise at the vending machine, Frasier sticks his hand in the slot to get Martin's candy bar] What is going on over there?
Martin: [about his candy bar] Chunky's stuck.
Roz: Well why did Chunky stick his arm in there in the first place?
[Frasier glares at her]
Roz: Oh, my God. You have two women?
Dr. Frasier Crane: At least.
Roz: And you're juggling them? And you're getting jewelry?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why is that so hard to believe?
Roz: Well, I guess since they cloned that sheep, anything's possible.
Roz: Oh, come on, Frasier, why don't you just admit what you're doing here. This isn't some "help-me-be-a-better-person" thing. You're trying to figure out what you can fix so you can win Sam back.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, now, Roz, that's preposterous.
Roz: Look who you're talking to! I've been down this road so many times, I call it "The Roz Expressway".
Dr. Niles Crane: I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.
Roz: Going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles and I did not go to the prom together! Our dates were sick and we went stag!
Niles: In retrospect, we should have cancelled the horse-drawn carriage, but hindsight is 20-20.
Frasier: Roz, who's on the line?
Roz: On line 4, we have, uh, Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted.
[Roz tries to put Ted on the phone, but accidentally hangs up on him instead]
Frasier: Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.
Roz: We've been out trick-or-treating all afternoon and Alice is exhausted.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's strange, there's hardly been any kids in this building.
Roz: Are you kidding? I rode up on the elevator with 5 Britney Spears' and a sweaty Harry Potter.
George: We have Frasier Crane on line one.
Dr. Nora Fairchild: Frasier, you want to yell at me for that last call?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, although I do believe that a gifted therapist can help two people put aside their anger and heal the differences between them.
Dr. Nora Fairchild: Blah, blah, blah.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I have someone here with me today, someone you haven't seen for quite a while. There's something she'd like to tell you, something she's wanted to tell you for a long, long time.
[Roz shows Mrs. Mulhern in]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Mrs. Mulhern?
Mrs. Mulhern: [to Dr Nora] You little whore!
Dr. Nora Fairchild: Mother!
Mrs. Mulhern: So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateuse. You'll pay for that, missy!
Roz: [jumping for joy] I was wrong, Frasier! Your way IS better!
Frasier: Aren't you taking this a bit too far just trying to avoid an unflattering dress?
Roz: Yeah, I thought you'd say that. That's why I've been carrying around this picture of the last time I was a bridesmaid.
Frasier: Good Lord, Roz, you look like you've been tented for termites.
Roz: Exactly!
Daphne: I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less. I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports, should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr. Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning?
Martin: Don't you worry about me. I may not be the rookie of the year any more but I can still move around the bases!
[Roz comes in]
Roz: Oh, hey, Martin.
Niles: Oh, look, a scout from the majors.
Roz: I have a date with that waiter we met at lunch yesterday.
Frasier: You're going out with that guy?
Roz: I didn't have enough for a tip.
Niles: Oh my God. It is T.H. Houghton. We're a stone's throw away from one of the giants of American literature.
Roz: Not the way you throw.
Frasier: Oh, Roz! Oh, I'm so glad you came! Any word from the doctor?
Roz: No, and I am going crazy. I can't even picture myself as a mother, can you?
Frasier: [she removes her trench coat; she's decked out in a saucy black leather S&M outfit] Well, I don't think discipline will be a problem.
Roz: I'm just sitting here thinking, what if my kid gets Rick's nose, and my ears and eyes? Throw in my grandfather's third nipple, I might as well pitch a tent and charge admission.
Roz: Everything was going great until I said, "I love you, Ben," and then he got this look on his face like he'd taken a wrong turn in a really bad neighborhood.
Roz: The blackout hit just as the elevator doors opened on the fourteenth floor. So I stood in the hallway trying to decide whether to come back in here with you guys or take my chances on the pitch-black streets with the muggers and the weirdos. So I went down a couple of flights, and then I changed my mind. Meanwhile someone's probably looting my apartment!
Niles: Yes, I hear there's a thriving black market in badly-designed Formica coffee tables.
Roz: At least I have my own sense of style. You won't even buy a chair unless some fey French aristocrat has sat his fat satin fanny in it!
Niles: Louis the Fourteenth was not fey! Everyone wore garters in the eighteenth century!
Roz: Oh my God. It's in love!
Bulldog: Last night for the first time in my life I actually said those three little words: "stay for breakfast."
Frasier: You had sex with Sharon?
Bulldog: Doc, please! We "made love." You know what? I gotta call her.
[picks up the phone]
Bulldog: No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get.
[slams phone down]
Bulldog: But I miss the sound of her voice. I'm calling her.
[picks up phone]
Bulldog: No, wait. It's too needy. Chicks hate that.
[puts phone down]
Bulldog: I shouldn't call her. But I want to!
[picks up phone before putting it down again]
Bulldog: Doc, what should I do?
Frasier: [bewildered] Don't ask me, I don't even know who you are!
Bulldog: [Roz sits back and sexily unbuttons her blouse, revealing her underwear to Bulldog] Wow! Victoria's Secret, page 39.
Roz: Why don't we just skip dinner and go straight to dessert?
Bulldog: Uh-ho! Penthouse Forum, page 23.
[the KACL team is sitting in a steam room]
Roz: It's weird, my skin tastes kind of salty.
[pause]
Bob: Oh, I'd say mostly sweet, but a little salty.
Roz: That wasn't me, Bulldog.
Gil: That was me you licked. And if it happens again, I shall consider it strike one.
Roz: Wow! Niles is really loving life with a vengeance.
Martin: Yeah, I was the same way after I got shot. My first day back at the precinct I went around hugging all the guys telling them all I loved them.
Roz: How long did that last?
Martin: Until they started calling me "Martina".
[Roz is house-sitting for Frasier]
Daphne: If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the front. If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces the back, don't ask me why.
Roz: I don't know how you live with him.
Daphne: Huh, I don't know how you work with him.
Roz: Well, I have learned a trick: when he's really bugging me, I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight. Before you know it, he's checking his butt out in the glass of the candy machine.
Daphne: Really? I tell him he's gained weight. He skips dinner, sulks in his room, and I have the whole evening to myself.
[they laugh and clink glasses]
Roz: Hey, Fraze! How was your weekend?
Frasier: Hellish.
Roz: Great! Now let me tell you what happened to me!
Roz: I'm impressed you're so good at charades.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm impressed you could mime a virgin.
Lana: Hey, Frasier, don't you be a stranger.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Awkwardly] Oh, no, I-I won't. Uh, don't you be a stranger, either. To me.
Roz: [Lana looks confused, but she laughs it off. She and Kirby leave] Let me guess: Lana in, Claire out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What, that? Oh, that was nothing. It's just, she merely caught me off guard. Don't go reading anything into that.
Roz: OK, if you say so.
[gets up]
Roz: Listen, Frasier, I got to go.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, alright.
Roz: But let not... either us... be strangers... be.
Julia: You call this coffee?
Roz: Most of it.
Roz: I've been on the phone all day, digging up dirt on Dr. Nora, and you will not believe what I found!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really?
Roz: I called the station where she used to work, and they couldn't wait to dish her. For starters, she has no medical degree.Her doctorate is in Physical Education!
Dr. Frasier Crane: She's a gym teacher?
Dr. Niles Crane: Wouldn't want to be the chubby kid in that gym class.
[Niles notices Roz checking out a man]
Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
Roz: Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.
Kenny: Hey, Julia! You're going to the Bike-a-Thon, right?
Roz: Oh, don't embarrass her, Kenny. It's got to be tough finding a comfortable bike seat when you're such a tight-ass.
Julia: This from a woman who "peddles" her ass all over town.
Roz: [about Poppy] Thank God today is her last day. You know, this morning she cornered me by the coffee machine and told me her whole life story. I just wanted to grab her by the throat and say, "What am I, your biographer? Shut up!"
Daphne: The other day I found out something about Dr. Crane I wasn't supposed to know.
Roz: [excited] Frasier?
Daphne: No, his brother. Apparently, he's had a crush on me for years.
Roz: [exhales] Thank God!
Daphne: What do you mean, "Thank God?"
Roz: I've been afraid for months I'd be the one to blow the secret.
Daphne: You mean you knew?
Roz: Well, everybody kinda did.
Daphne: And nobody said anything?
Roz: Well, if Niles wasn't ready to say anything, it wasn't our place to do it.
Roz: She ditched her dress and she's hitting the sauce. What do you need, runway lights on the mattress?
Frasier: [looking at baby pictures of Alice] Oh, well, that's just adorable, the silly little one with the jam all over her face.
Roz: Actually that's not jam, Frasier. It's baby eczema.
Frasier: Oh. Well, don't worry about that. That sort of thing is bound to clear up...
[looks at the next picture]
Frasier: or spread.
Roz: Would you date a gynecologist?
Daphne: Oh God no. I wouldn't even date a dentist - hands in people's mouths all day - and after watching Eddie's complete physical, I'm not eager to date a vet anytime soon either.
Frasier: I was going to ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house. Is that too...
Roz: Amish?
Frasier: I was going to say selfish.
Roz: Oh, let's see. "Please Daphne don't have sex. It disturbs my reading." No, that's not too selfish!
Daphne: Roz, is everything all right?
Roz: Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.
Frasier: No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.
Roz: No, I look like Divine.
Roz: Come on, Frasier. Talk to me. Use your words
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's just so egregious.
Roz: Smaller words.
Roz: I discovered I'm not the only woman using my dog to meet men. Apparently we also hunt in packs.
Daphne: So, you brought me something, Roz?
Roz: Well, yeah. I figured you couldn't get married without wearing something borrowed.
[Hands her a small box]
Daphne: Oh! What a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely detail.
Niles: I especially like the little odometer.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It so happens I have big plans this weekend!
Roz: Let me guess. You and Niles are playing your zithers again at the Renaissance Fair.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, the Renaissance Fair is a fortnight after St. Swithin's Day. No, my son is coming to town.
Roz: [gives Niles a card] Here you go, Jerome Belasco.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh Roz, you are an angel of mercy. How can I repay you?
Roz: The next time you have a smart remark about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, you just keep it to yourself.
Dr. Niles Crane: [looks her up and down] Consider it done.
[she snatches the card back]
Daphne: [rehearsing for a radio play] Sound of door opening.
Roz: [with a mouthful of food] Infpactar, fhank goddies oo cam.
Frasier: Stop the watch. Roz, I have a line here that says, "When she opened her lips I caught a hint of some mixed exotic accent." You will notice it does not say, "When she opened her lips cheese fell out".
Frasier: How do you tell somebody that you're attracted to them but you just can't sleep with them?
Roz: I guess you just say... you just say... I'll ask around.
Frasier: It's only seven o'clock and Marge Whitmeyer is already in the bar arm-wrestling people for drinks.
Roz: How many did you buy her?
Frasier: Well, three, but my elbow was in a wet spot.
Frasier: My God, you should have heard my first audition tape. I was so inept it was incredible.
Roz: That's true.
Frasier: Well... oh, you mean, well, you heard it. Well, all right, so you see...
Roz: There was a bootleg copy floating around the station for months.
Frasier: Well, fine, so you get my point then...
Roz: People still play it at parties.
Frasier: Well, all right, Roz!
Frasier: So, how do the calls look today?
Roz: Well, we've got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere.
Frasier: Oh, I love a Monday.
Dr. Niles Crane: [seeing his party guests out] Thank you so much for this second chance. I can assure you, from now on this will be the quietest apartment in the Montana.
Roz: [offscreen, seeing Baby's dead body in the fridge] Oh, my god!
Dr. Niles Crane: [trying to ignore Roz] Goodnight.
Roz: [In the studio the morning after Frasier's on-air romp with Kate] Okay, *Fabio.* I want two things. One: you will never make another crack about my sex life. I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Done.
Roz: And two: Who's 'Dirty Girl'?
[smiles]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I *can't* tell you that.
Roz: Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul!
[the phone rings. Roz answers it]
Roz: Yes?
[turns away from Frasier]
Roz: Not yet, I'll call you back.
[She puts the phone down and gets a glare from Frasier. Bulldog enters]
Bob: Doc? I got one thing to say to you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go ahead, take your best shot.
Bob: [in genuine admiration] I am so proud of you, man!
[He hugs a very unmoved Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.
Bob: Now come on, you gotta tell me - who's the mystery chick?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Bulldog, haven't you already seen?
[points to newspapers]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.
Roz: [picks up a newspaper and shows it to Bulldog] Don't you see this right here?
[reads]
Roz: 'I Won't Fink, Says Kinky Shrink.'
[Roz and Bulldog laugh; Frasier looks fed up. Roz leaves for her booth. A very uncomfortable-looking Kate creeps in through the side door]
Kate: Good afternoon, Dr Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ms. Costas.
Bob: [to Kate] Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his playmate was.
Kate: [pained] Bulldog, this is really none of your business.
Bob: Oh, but we got a pool going. So far, hot money's on Roz.
[Roz, who has just returned, is outraged]
Roz: What? Oh, well, thank you, but I think I have a little more self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the air! What kind of slut do they think I am?
[Kate looks extremely uncomfortable]
Kate: Dr Crane, could I have a word with you in private?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Er, I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.
Kate: Actually you don't. I'm suspending you for a week. Bulldog, you're going on. Roz - you'll have to produce.
Bob: All right!
[He slaps Roz's butt enthusiastically; Roz hits him in the stomach with her clipboard]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Kate] I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things considered.
Kate: Yes, I can see how you might feel that way. But the station does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce them. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of last night's sponsors - The Wholesome Family Cookie Company.
[She leaves]
Roz: Well, okay, Frasier. No offense, your father is a very nice man, but let's face it: My mother was attorney general of Wisconsin.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I hope he remembers to curtsy before the Dairy Queen!
[after the waitress tells Roz that her friend John had to cancel]
Waitress: Roz Doyle, right?
Roz: Yeah.
Waitress: Sorry, you don't look anything like he described on the phone.
Roz: All right, before I do anything crazy - like, go to the airport, fly to Wisconsin, and crash a wedding - did I really look that bad the other day?
[Sherry enters]
Sherry: Hi, boys!
[to Roz]
Sherry: Say, you look familiar. Did I meet your older sister in here the other day? Oh, she must be jealous of you!
[Roz marches out of the cafe]
Roz: TAXI!
Roz: So, is Donny going to be joining us?
Daphne: No, he's got wedding business this afternoon. He's composing our vows.
Roz: Oh, isn't that romantic?
Daphne: He's not exactly Wordsworth strolling through a shady glen. When I left, he was lying on the couch in his underwear with a tin of Vienna sausages and a rhyming dictionary on his chest.
Roz: Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I've dated?
Niles: I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetops.
Roz: Between spending my days with you and my nights with Alice, I've forgotten what a real conversation is like.
Frasier: Well, don't tell Alice that, it might hurt her feelings.
Roz: Let's just go on to my next idea. Daphne? OK, you be the girlfriend of a couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. Niles, will you be her boyfriend?
Niles: [quickly] Yes.
Roz: OK.
[starts tape]
Roz: I'm here with Fred and Patty. Tell me, you two, what made you think that your sex life needs a little jump start?
Daphne: It's all his fault. He just seems to have lost interest in me. I've done everything I can to entice him. I've served dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron; I've called him at the office and talked dirty; and last night when he came home I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy! But did he care? No!
Roz: And none of this turns you on, Fred?
Roz: [Niles doesn't answer. He just stares into space, imagining it all. Roz gets impatient] Fred?
Niles: [snaps out of it] That's nothing, you should hear the other things that don't turn me on! Tell me about it, Patty.
Gary: You know, I was getting a little nervous, the way you were describing me on the air.
Roz: Why?
Gary: Well, my wife listens to the show.
[Roz gives a look of disbelief]
Roz: You're married?
Gary: Yeah, but it's okay. I still want to go out with you.
[a ticked-off Roz begins assaulting him with the flowers he brought for her]
Roz: You got a message: A "Blaine Sternin" called.
Frasier: [quickly rising out of his seat] Blaine Sternin? Call him back; tell him I'm dead.
Roz: Sternin... Is he related to Lilith?
Frasier: Yes. He's Lilith's half-brother, the curse of the family. What does it say when Lilith is the good one?
Roz: He sounded charming on the phone.
Frasier: Well, of course he sounded charming. Charm is the viscous grease with which he oils his flim-flam machine.
Jerry: [Frasier arrives back at broadcast booth from "park-in" protest episode at garage, unaware of what Roz has been saying as his stand-in, inadvertently admitting to the audience that she slept with Frasier] I just wanna know what's going on with Dr. Crane
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, well I bet you do, Jerry, huh. Dr. Frasier Crane here Seattle. I'm sorry I'm late, sounds like Roz has informed you of my exploits.
Jerry: She hasn't said much. We'd like to hear it from you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it wasn't my finest hour.
[Roz gestures frantically from the control booth]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Let's just say that I got in there, realized I made a mistake and tried like hell to get out.
[crowd starts to gather and listen outside the booth with horrified expressions]
Roz: Frasier!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Frasier: There was a lot of shouting, then a line started to form behind me. Fortunately my brother was with me for moral support and well, let's face it: somebody to talk to.
[Roz in horror behind the glass]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You'd be amazed how long 20 minutes can be when you're watching the clock. At least, in the end, I got outta there without paying the four dollars.
[crowd outside booth is now in full hilarious uproar, Roz collapses, fade to black]
Roz: [a knock at the door] Who is it?
Bulldog: [From behind the door] It's Bulldog.
Roz: Shh! Pretend we're not here.
Frasier: Roz, you just said, "Who is it?".
Dr. Niles Crane: Obviously you've forgotten the semester I spent living in Paris. I'll have you know I had a torrid affair with a married woman.
Roz: Really?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I'm sorry, Niles. I had no idea.
Dr. Niles Crane: It's not something I boast about. The attraction was simply overpowering. Every Thursday, two o'clock, the Hotel De Boulogne. We'd arrive separately, climb the stairs, open the door... Ooh-la-la. Oh, what an embrace! Afterwards, she'd whisper to me, "There's something so sweet in your eyes, and it..."
Dr. Frasier Crane: "does me so much good" said Emma Bovary! If you're going to steal a love life, don't steal from the classics, you imbecile!
Roz: All right, a guy's on second, one guy's out, I drive one to the gap. I try to stretch it to a double. I make a beautiful hook slide right under the tag. How can I be out?
Frasier: I'm still trying to understand why you drove to The Gap in the middle of the game!
Frasier: You get to share your life with a remarkable little creature... who only lives in the present, runs around naked without the slightest bit of shame, and can entertain himself for hours just staring at a shiny object. Isn't that wonderful?
Roz: Isn't that Bulldog?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Roz are playing Mr. and Mrs. Claus.] Oh, Roz! There you are, I was beginning to worry about you.
Roz: Well, you should have! I am on the verge of a complete breakdown! Shopping was a disaster! And when I went to slip into this darling little costume, my pants split.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh!
Roz: And on top of all that, I can't stop thinking about my mom! How am I going to tell her
[that she's pregnant]
Roz: ?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Roz, if you'd like, I could tell her for you.
Roz: Are you kidding? She's gonna be mad enough that *I* waited three months to tell her, the only thing worse would be to hear it from someone else!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's entirely possible she already knows.
Roz: No way, the only person who knows she's spoken to is you--Oh my God! Frasier!!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [welcoming first girl] OK! Ho-ho-ho, who's first?
Roz: What is wrong with you? I'm going to kill you!
Sally: You're going to kill Santa?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, little girl, Mrs. Claus just wants to *kiss* me.
Roz: Yeah, I'll kiss you. Come 'ere, I'll kiss you good!
Bob: [using a fake Chinese accent] Aww, so you come chop-chop to Hoo-nan Parace, where Pekin' duck is awrays extla clispy!
Roz: We're gonna get sued this time, for sure.
Roz: You know more about etiquette that I do. What is the proper length of time you should stay after someone announces to a hundred strangers that you got knocked up?
Frasier: Hello caller, what are you wearing?
Nancy: Nothing, I'm naked.
Frasier: Hey, great idea! I'm getting naked too!
[stands up and starts taking his clothes off]
Roz: While Doctor Crane strips down, our new station manager would like to know, do you prefer to be the spanker or the spankee?
Nancy: Ooh, definitely the spanker.
Frasier: Terrific, hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants!
Daphne: I'm sorry everyone, but Niles and I, we're already married.
Mrs. Gertrude Moon: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Mrs. Moon, I'm afraid it's true. Niles and Daphne are already married, and they were simply trying to spare your feelings.
Roz: [to Frasier] You knew about Reno?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [caught off guard] I was talking about yesterday. What happened in Reno?
Roz: They got married yesterday?
Mrs. Gertrude Moon: This is all a lie?
Daphne: No, yesterday was a lie. We eloped last week.
Martin: I thought you had to wait for the license.
Dr. Niles Crane: That's why we went to Reno.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why didn't you tell us?
Dr. Niles Crane: We thought you'd be insulted.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm insulted now! How could you tell Roz and not tell your family?
Mrs. Gertrude Moon: How could you have two weddings without telling your mother about one?
Roz: How could you cheat Alice out of being a flower girl?
Daphne: We just wanted to be married.
Martin: Hold on, I got a question here.
[Martin opens the door]
Martin: You've been married for a week, how come you're not on your honeymoon?
Daphne: Thank you... Martin.
[Niles and Daphne go to leave]
Dr. Niles Crane: I hope you can all forgive us.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Of course, your happiness that's what's important.
Daphne: This is such a relief. It just felt wrong to start off a marriage with a lie.
Mrs. Gertrude Moon: Um, was the first one at least in front of a minister?
Daphne: Of course!
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, let's go.
[Daphne and Niles leave]
Frasier: Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes.
Roz: Woof!
Frasier: And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward's way out!
Niles: Oh, so I'm a coward?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: Well, I'm a coward with a hickey!
Roz: Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes.
Roz: Can I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel?
Mel: Not for me. It's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think?
Roz: Not anymore.
[Roz takes the glass for herself instead as she sits in Martin's recliner]
Mel: Niles, let's get this gravlax in the refrigerator.
[notices Eddie has his head in the bag]
Mel: Oh, hello, Eddie. Or should I say goodbye?
Martin: Huh?
Mel: Well, Martin, I'm sure you'll be locking Eddie out on the balcony if people are going to be eating here.
[Mel follows Niles into the kitchen]
Martin: Well, I'll tell you who I'd like to lock out on the balcony...
Roz: Oh please, let it be me!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, now, may I remind you that we're having this little brunch in order to get acquainted with Mel. We owe it to Niles to give her a chance.
Daphne: [pouring herself a Bloody Mary] I agree with Dr. Crane, we should all have another Bloody Mary.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I didn't say that!
Daphne: It was implied.
[about Noel's petition to add a new character to the cast of "Star Trek" based on her]
Roz: I am the joke of the station. When I used to come in in the morning the guard would say, "Morning, Roz." Now it's "All hail, Rozalinda!"
Frasier: [Frasier and Roz have been exiled to the wee hours] Really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we?
Roz: Frasier, I want you to flash forward to tonight. It's sometime after midnight. Dennis Abbott and I have just had a glorious meal at Le Ralee. Dennis has just asked me back to his penthouse apartment to see his priceless collection of silk sheets. And I lean forward and whisper, "I can't. I have to go to work in an hour." What is wrong with this picture?
Frasier: Well, for starters, you at Le Ralee. It's a two-week wait.
Roz: So is Dennis Abbott! Frasier, we have got to get our old time slot back!
Frasier: Don't worry, Roz, we will she just moved us to break our spirit.
Roz: Well, she can saddle me up and ride me around the room! I can't do this again!
[They leave the booth. Kate is waiting in the hallway]
Kate: Good morning!
Frasier: Hello.
Kate: Enjoying your new time slot?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, I found it invigorating! Didn't you, Roz? Remember that woman who called in, uh, you know, with the delusions of grandeur? Couldn't understand why nobody liked her.
Kate: Well, I hope you explained to her that it's not important that people like her, as long as they respect her.
Frasier: Oh yes, respect is important. So is self-respect.
Kate: Oh, yes, yes, but some people - and this is so unfortunate - can't tell the difference between self-respect and pig-headedness.
Frasier: Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned and the kind of respect that is irrespective... of what others expect.
Kate: Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?
Frasier: I think I made myself clear.
Kate: Well, I really do have work to do. I've got to find somebody for your old time slot - now that it's free!
Frasier: Good luck!
[Kate leaves]
Roz: Nice going, Frasier; now she's never gonna give in.
Frasier: Steady, Roz. She may have been able to intimidate people in other situations, but here at KACL she'll find that we are NOT a bunch of spineless twits!
[Bulldog sticks his head out of a door]
Bob: [Whispering] Hey, is she gone?
[Bulldog has locked himself in a toilet cubicle]
Roz: [as Niles comes in] Bulldog, if you don't come out of there in the next ten seconds I'm gonna reach in there and pull you out by your ankles.
Niles: Hello, Roz, playing hard to get?
Daphne: Have a good time. Don't spend too much.
Martin: Oh, don't worry about that. I've got a whole system worked out where I can get everything I want for the minimum bid.
Frasier: Dad, it's hardly in the spirit of the evening. We're raising money for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
Martin: Oh, baloney. You just want to go there so you can hob-nob with all your snooty friends.
Frasier: Oh, that is not true.
Martin: Oh, yeah? Well, then answer me one question: just who is Kelly Ann Grunther?
Frasier: Kelly Ann Grunther is... the person... responsible for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
Martin: Well, what does that mean?
Frasier: Well, I guess she's just a very wealthy person that put up a lot of money, right?
Roz: I thought she had some kind of disease?
Dr. Niles Crane: I always thought she was a scientist doing research.
Martin: So, in other words, it could have been called...
[looks at Eddie]
Martin: the Eddie Eddie-mund Foundation, as long as there was fancy food on silver platters.
Frasier: Well, close the record books. That was just the dullest three hours in the history of the Frasier Crane Show.
Roz: Oh, come on. It wasn't so bad. What about that woman who was so concerned about her appearance she wouldn't leave the house?
Frasier: That was a commercial! I believe Miss Clairol solved the problem!
[Frasier brags about having three dates in a row that weekend]
Roz: Not bad.
Frasier: "Not bad"? If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was a little jealous. After this weekend you may have to give up your dating crown.
Roz: I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires.
Frasier: [deflated] It's a wonder you could rotate anything after that.
Roz: When you were a junior in college, if a woman came to you and told you she was carrying your child, wouldn't you have been devastated?
Frasier: In my case, I would have been mystified.
[Locked out on Frasier's balcony before a Fourth of July parade]
Roz: This sucks, I don't even have my cell phone. Don't you have your cell phone, Frasier?
Frasier: Roz, I'm Uncle Sam, I don't have a cell phone. I shouldn't even have this zipper.
Roz: Is that a new TV?
Martin: Yeah.
Roz: That's great. Did you get it hooked up yet?
Martin: No, I decided I'd let Niles take a crack at it first.
Roz: [Bulldog runs out of the booth sobbing] Wait, Bulldog. We need a tape! Where's "The Best of Bulldog"?
Bulldog: [sobbing] She took the best of Bulldog!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm in Cassandra's hotel room. She invited me up here after dinner. I'm just not sure what it means.
Roz: What it means? What it means is that even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.
Dr. Frasier Crane: For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car. Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says, "I AM PRO OPERA AND I VOTE!"
Roz: Frasier, you've got to admit, it was clever.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I admit nothing. That is the last we shall discuss of it, we have a show to do.
Roz: OK.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good afternoon, Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Today we will be discussing the topic of fears. Are they irrational hindrances, or evolutionary tools? Hmmm... the surprising answer, after these words.
[He goes to commercial]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [on tape; wailing] My car! Ohhhh, no - my caaar! What did they do to you? Oh, my bay-beee...!
[all the male employees at the station are jealous of the new radio host, an impossibly handsome man]
Gil: I must confess, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
[stunned silence]
Roz: You didn't notice? You of all people?
Gil: Just what are you insinuating?
Roz: Well, you know, that you're a little, er...
Gil: For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
[stunned silence]
Frasier: You're... married?
Bulldog: To a woman?
Gil: Of course to a woman! You've all heard me mention Deb. Well, how often have I said, "I must be running along now, Deb will be waiting"?
Roz: We thought Deb was your cat.
Gil: She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop. Honestly, the conclusions people make, just because a man dresses well and knows how to use a pastry bag!
[he exits]
Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.
Roz: Give him a break, he's just having fun.
Frasier: That's exactly what I'd expect to hear from someone who's willing to spend the night as Bulldog's squeak toy.
Roz: That is not funny! It was one night, and I would appreciate it if you would just let it drop.
Frasier: You're right, I'm sorry, that was tactless of me. Tell you what, let me make it up to you. I've got an extra theater ticket tonight. Faye's busy, why don't you join me?
Roz: No, thanks.
Frasier: No, please, Roz. It's a delightful little show. I'll even throw in dinner.
Roz: Busy.
Frasier: Really. A date?
Roz: [exploding] I have plans! Plans! What are you, a cop? I've got to account for every waking minute? My private life is my own business!
Frasier: Bulldog!
Roz: [bursting into tears] I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm weak. I can't stop myself!
Frasier: Yes you can, Roz.
Roz: Okay, I don't want to stop myself. He's good. He's really good. I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable.
Frasier: Roz, it's Bulldog! Doesn't that bother you?
Roz: You'd think.
Roz: It turns out the person who's interviewing me is a guy I've slept with.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What are the odds?
[Kate assigns Frasier to work the 8-10 shift]
Roz: She thinks we're all as happy to work at night as she is. You're a psychiatrist, Frasier. She's a cold, repressed workaholic who has no sex life whatsoever. Can't you help her?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [deadpan] I've tried, Roz.
Roz: You come over here acting all sympathetic, but you're still the same old horny, low-class slimeball you've always been!
Bulldog: Hey, before you say something that ends up offending me, look, all I wanted to ask you is if you'd be interested in producing my show.
Frasier: Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?
Roz: We have Ethan on line three, and he's having a little problem at school.
Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: How old are you?
Ethan: I'm thirteen.
Frasier: Well, uh, what can I do for you?
Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
Frasier: Why do you think that's so?
Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Frasier: Well, Ethan, you know, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan: That's it?
Frasier: Yes.
Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic, and in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.
Frasier: [to Roz as she emerges from the powder room] Roz, this is Steve and Paula Garrett.
Roz: [astounded by their large noses] Hi.
Steve: Hi... oh, that's alright Roz, we don't blame you for being shocked.
Paula: I mean, we're used to it. You should see the looks we get.
Steve: You were a little taken aback yourself, weren't you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Oh-ho-ho, certainly not!
Paula: Oh, come on, it's alright! Everyone comments on it.
Frasier: Well, I must admit when I opened the door I...
Paula: [finishes] ... couldn't believe we were old enough to have a twenty year-old son.
Frasier: [lying] Exactly! You know, you both look so young. Don't they, Roz?
Roz: [still astounded, as the Garrett's turn to face her] Yes... young. Very, very, young.
Paula: Oh Roz, I can see you're feeling a little uncomfortable, so let's just say, right up front, that we have no intention of intruding on your life.
Steve: Rick told us what a wonderful person you are. We just wanted to meet you and offer any help or support that you think is appropriate.
[Frasier gives Roz a reassuring smile]
Roz: [sincerely and beginning to settle down] Thanks. That's very nice.
[First lines]
Frasier: Well, we've got time for one more call. Roz, who've we got?
Roz: We have Sid in Bremerton on three.
Frasier: Hello, Sid. I'm listening.
Frasier: Hello, Dr. Crane. I have a terrible fear of talking on the phone to people I do not know. I freeze up. It is a severe handicap in today's fast-paced, highly competitive world.
Frasier: Sid, are you reading what you're saying?
Sid: Uh...
[shuffling papers]
Sid: Yes, I am. The only way I can comfortably communicate on the phone is to write everything out I wish to say in advance.
Frasier: Well, what if someone asks you a question you haven't anticipated?
Sid: Uhhhh...
[shuffling papers again]
Sid: Thank you, Dr. Crane, for your most insightful comment. G-Goodbye.
[Sid hangs up]
Frasier: Wait, Sid! Sid, if you're listening, your insecurity is rooted in your fear of making a mistake. In order to beat this thing, you're going to have to practice. If you work at it very hard. Then, one day, you too may achieve the command and confidence to which we all aspire to... be having. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental health.
Roz: Okay, table four wants to make some changes: they want the Sole Veronica without the grapes,
[Daphne begins flicking off the grapes]
Roz: spinach instead of broccoli and risotto instead of pasta. They also want the swordfish but hold the capers.
Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes, can't you just tell them no substitutions?
Roz: I have trouble saying no.
Niles: So the guidebooks tell us.
Roz: You want to get thrown in the tank with the rest of the eels?
Daphne: Well, you're not making this very easy. You waltz in here, queen of the waitresses, la-di-da, extra broccoli, hold the capers, and then you go back out on the fun side of the door.
Roz: You want to trade places with me, Mary Poppins? Be my guest!
[on having in-laws without being married]
Roz: That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course.
[Frasier is shocked]
Roz: Shut up. I needed the credit.
Roz: Tell me something, do I have the word "loser" tatooed across my forehead?
Frasier: No, Roz, but there is a rumour about a "Tweety Bird" on your upper thigh.
Frasier: Bulldog?
Roz: Bulldog.
Bulldog: Bulldog!
Roz: So, you're off to San Francisco.
Martin: Yeah, yeah. Duke and I took our shore leave there in '52. We're going back to retrace our steps.
Roz: That sounds like fun!
Martin: Yeah, yeah. We had a great time that weekend. Back then there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.
Frasier: You know dad, I think you'll find that Frisco hasn't changed all that much.
Dr. Niles Crane: [as the German butler, Hans] All right, all right, it's true! I'm not what I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler; I'm not even...
[in normal voice]
Dr. Niles Crane: ...German. Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you.
[Frasier is directing Niles, to Niles' dismay]
Dr. Niles Crane: When we're finished, you'll know the full, dark tale.
Roz: [in an odd voice] Are you sure we should, Hans?
Dr. Niles Crane: Be quiet, mother!
[Frasier cues organ music and continues directing Niles]
Dr. Niles Crane: Mother and I moved here after the tragic death of my father.
[as Frasier directs, Niles gets more and more frustrated]
Dr. Niles Crane: I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a... serpent... coiled within a... dark... cave. Okay, that's it! Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: So long, O'Toole; I guess we'll never get to hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.
[two fake gunshots]
Dr. Niles Crane: Or yours, Kraegan and *Peppo*! Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: Thank you.
[to Roz]
Dr. Niles Crane: What was your name again, dear?
Roz: Mrs. Thorndyke.
Dr. Niles Crane: [fake gunshot] Thank you. Oh, and also Mr. Wing.
[fake gunshot, and sound of muted bell on Mr. Wing's hat]
Dr. Niles Crane: And, of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: [weakly] HA.
Colette: May I help you?
Roz: Non-fat capp... Haven't seen you before. I'm Roz, this is Frasier.
Colette: Colette.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, your mother was a fan of the great French novelist and raconteur Sidonie-Gabriel Colette!
Colette: [going along] Okay.
Frasier: All right, let's just assume for a moment that you are capable of a long-term relationship. What would you do to keep things cooking?
Roz: Well, once I had a boyfriend take me out to a bar, and we pretended we were strangers picking each other up. Actually that was kinda hot.
Frasier: So you used, like, fantasy/role-playing?
Roz: Yeah. In fact, we had so much fun we tried it again. Only the next time he got so into it he went home with another woman.
Frasier: I'm sorry.
Roz: Oh hell, she was gorgeous. One more drink, and I'd have gone home with her.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And to think I was going to offer you these basketball tickets.
Roz: Well, can't use 'em anyway. I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
Roz: You should have seen him, Frasier. He was raring to go, he kept bragging about how good he was and how much fun it was going to be, and he dies on me!
Bulldog: Hey, it happens to all guys, okay?
Frasier: Bulldog...
Bulldog: No, no. This is a pet peeve of mine, doc. Why is it always the guy's fault? You know, if you chicks needed a little less booze to get from "maybe" to "yes," we'd be a lot more alert when the moment of truth arrives.
Frasier: Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers with an elderly gentleman and he died.
Bulldog: Oh, well... when I said "We" I didn't mean me, because I don't have that...
[Frasier and Roz just wait]
Bulldog: Hey, you're a doctor, that was confidential!
Frasier: [on Daphne] She's just having trouble finding men.
Roz: [whips out her little black book] Say no more!
Frasier: No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
Roz: Oh, come on, I'd be happy to.
Frasier: But still, one hates to break up a collection.
[Niles brings coffees]
Roz: Oh, here we go! Sven Bachman, he's an aerobics instructor.
Frasier: I don't think so.
Roz: Oh, this one's perfect! Gunther Dietrich. He's loads of fun, and he's a runway model.
Frasier: A German narcissist. Now there's an appealing combination.
Roz: Okay, okay, I'll keep looking.
Niles: Looking for what?
Roz: I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.
Niles: What?
Roz: Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick.
Niles: Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?
Roz: Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.
Niles: Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?
Roz: [furious] Listen, you little titmouse...!
Frasier: All right! Niles, you are completely out of line here. And Roz, he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. While Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...
Roz: Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?
Frasier: No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.
Roz: [getting up] Oh, I'm out of here.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, please wait.
Roz: [storming out] Oh no, I can't stay, the FLEET IS IN!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. You know, I was reminded this morning of a jaunty aphorism which is credited to the great thinker Spinoza...
Roz: Oh God...
Frasier: [Roz enters in fancy evening dress. Daphne is to the side in a robe, she holds another dress] Oh, Roz! That's lovely!
Daphne: Oh! We have twenty minutes.
[both ladies start for Daphne's room]
Niles: What's going on?
Roz: There's a huge reception at the British Consulate tonight. Daphne got us tickets!
Daphne: [ladies continue toward Daphne's room] Who knows, Roz? You just may meet a charming British lord who'll make you a lady!
Niles: [to Frasier] At this point, I think it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.
Roz: It's okay, Frasier, you've thanked me every day for the last two weeks.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, yes, but if it hadn't been for you, I never would have met...
[sighs]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Madeline. It's just -- you know, we went out again last night, and it's just perfect between us! We talk, we can laugh at the same...
Roz: Just stop. Did it ever occur to you that since I'm in one of the worst dating droughts of my entire adult life, that to hear you prattling on like a giggling schoolgirl about your storybook romance might be the teensiest bit irritating?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, it hadn't, and you're right, Roz. I'm sorry, sometimes I can be so insensitive. But, you know, Madeline's helping me with that, she is so good, she is so good, in, like, every way!
[Roz screams "God!" and batters her clipboard against her forehead]
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, I'm sorry.
Frasier: If he gets into that club I should too!
Roz: Well, what if I happen to know someone very high up who could probably get you invited to that cocktail party?
Frasier: Oh Roz, don't toy with me!
Roz: [into phone] Mr. Strickland, please. Just tell him it's Roz.
Frasier: Walter Strickland, Jr?
Roz: Senior.
Frasier: [gasps] Roz, how did you ever get to know someone so important?
Roz: The less you know the happier you'll be.
Bulldog: Aah... Roz, you are the great one. You are some kind of producer.
Roz: Thanks. I'm having a great time. I owe you, Bulldog. I owe you big.
[With those words, Bulldog's face twists into a diabolical, self-satisfied grin - which Roz, being behind him, fails to notice]
Dr. Niles Crane: Roz, are you trying to avoid me?
Roz: Well, can you blame me? I mean, it took you nearly a year just to learn my name and every time we sit together, you have some kind of snide remark to make.
Dr. Niles Crane: Name one.
Roz: Well, last week you told me my bedroom was easier to get into than a community college.
Dr. Niles Crane: I was hoping you'd name that one.
Brandi: Money ain't everything, especially when you got a sex life like ours.
Roz: He's not even good in bed?
Brandi: Who knows? We're never there long enough to find out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh for... you know this really isn't necessary...
Brandi: I said to him last night, "What the hell was that? I've been vaccinated slower!"
Frasier: Talk to me.
Roz: I don't even know where to start. Everything in my life is about to change. My body, my love life...
Frasier: Yes. But it's also going to change in fantastic ways. I remember the first night I brought Frederick home from the hospital. You put this tiny thing into a tiny little bed and you look around and realize that the entire house has changed.
Roz: [in hospital flashback, coming in with Alice, anxious] Excuse me... my baby has a rash. I looked in the book and I don't think it's chickenpox, but it does kind of look like scarlet fever.
Colleen: [looks at Alice] Is this your first child?
Roz: Yes, why?
Colleen: It's just lipstick.
Frasier: [giving Roz instructions on caring for his orchids] I know I'm harping on and on about this, but I know you're not used to dealing with delicate flowers.
Roz: I've produced your show for three years, haven't I?
Roz: I can't work with a guy that handsome...! No offense.
Frasier: Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to looks, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same...
Roz: Species?
Frasier: Well, I was going to say "league," but "species" is so much more insulting!
Roz: [ordering drinks for herself and her sister] Two Bloody Marys please. And there's an extra twenty in it for you if one of them is poisoned. I don't even care which one.
Roz: Now, Daphne. If the jewelry wasn't that good, and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost, here?
Frasier: Roz weighs in with the Gabor approach to therapy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I have just one question...
Roz: What kind of vicious, judgmental, name-calling, machete-mouth are you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I was going for the less feisty version.
Roz: I heard what you said to that single mother yesterday. For your information, I happen to be a single mom too.
Dr. Nora Fairchild: That doesn't surprise me after watching you pounce on poor George like a Kodiak bear on a salmon.
[Roz sits at Frasier and Niles's table]
Roz: So, Niles, you randy dog, you got lucky last night, didn't you?
[Niles reacts]
Roz: I can always tell.
[looks at Frasier]
Roz: Oh, don't worry, you'll meet somebody.
Roz: Anyway, I was supposed to read "The Great Gatsby" last night but I couldn't get Alice to sleep. So could you give me a quick summary?
Frasier: [Roz takes out the book and notes] Well, all right, er, it was a time known as the Jazz Age. Wall Street was booming, bootleg hooch was flowing, and the young people were doing a new dance called the Charleston.
Roz: Where were you when I was trying to get Alice to sleep?
Frasier: Roz, would you mind telling me why everyone breaks into hysterics whenever I say that I'm driving Bonnie Weems home?
Roz: Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Frasier: Oh, what is that?
Roz: Well, Bonnie Weems is kind of an office legend. She gets a couple of drinks under her belt and she gets a little amorous and she will not take no for an answer.
Roz: You know, this is so insulting. You think Bulldog wants me to come work for him because he wants to get me into his bed. It doesn't even occur to you that he thinks I'm a good producer.
Frasier: Roz, don't you think you're being just a tad naive?
Roz: I'll tell you what naive is. Naive is someone who thinks he can stand there and talk to me like that without getting a crutch up his butt!
Frasier: Roz, I can see how he's manipulating you. I'm an expert in human behavior.
Roz: Excuse me, I've heard your expert advice! The only mental disorder you've ever cured is insomnia!
Frasier: Well, I'm surprised you had time to listen, what with being so busy with your ultra-demanding producer tasks! Answering phones and pushing buttons! My God, a cockatoo with a strong beak could do what you do!
Roz: Then hire one, because I'm taking the job with Bulldog!
[Roz is thinking of writing a children's book]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good for you, Roz! You know, I dabbled in juvenile fiction myself. Yes, Niles and I, when we were boys, wrote a series of stories together in which we were the heroes. Along the lines of a Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew.
Roz: The Nancy Boys?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [giving her a hooded look] *No.*
Roz: Is Frasier here? I need him to approve the latest version of his bio.
Dr. Niles Crane: [taking it from Roz] Why does he keep updating his bio? What's changed in the last few years.
[reading]
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, his date of birth! He's now four years younger than I am.
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