The Best Mamie Quotes

Elka: I'm sorry I said all those awful things about you.
Mamie: But you didn't.
Elka: Check your Facebook page.

Mamie: It's three o'clock; Steve Harvey's on.
Elka: Oh, nobody's funnier than Steve Harvey.
Boyce: Really? No-one?
Mamie: He's like the Original King of Comedy.
Boyce: Yeah. Yet, you know, there were other Kings of Comedy, y'know.
Elka: But he was the funny one.
Boyce: Oh, oh, the way Rue McClanahan was the funny one on 'The Golden Girls'.
Elka: I never saw that show.

[last lines]
Joy: The police will be here soon.
Elka: We'll be home in time to watch 'Family Feud'.
Mamie: Steve Harvey is the best game show host!
Elka: The best.
Narrator: Really? Isn't that a little bit like saying Cloris Leachman was the best actress on 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show'?
Elka: We never saw that show.
Narrator: Well, America won't get a chance to see the Soul Man if we don't wrap things up here, so why don't we all just take a bow right now?

[first lines]
Joy: Hey, everybody. Our group birthday is coming up, and I know *exactly* who I want to be fixed up with. I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
Elka: That could be half of Cleveland.
Joy: It's our poetry professor, Robin York. He's so spiritual and sensitive.
Melanie: Well, I want that guy that we met at the PetSmart Charities adoption thing; his name is Rex. Or maybe his dog's name is Rex.
Victoria: Well, now that I'm engaged, of course I don't need an actual date, which is a good thing, considering the freaks you guys have set me up with. Manboobs, conjoined twins, human tail!
Joy: Oh, come on, that last guy was perfect except for the tail.
Victoria: Did you hear what you just said? No no, this time I just want a business date; I really want a part in the next Wes O'Rourke movie.
Joy: The indie film director? He went to school with my film professor; I can make that happen.
Victoria: Excellent.
Mamie: [knocks and enters] Knock, knock. Look what I brought.
Joy: Oooh, breakfast wine.
Mamie: It's GLOB wine, which stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling... wine.
Melanie: Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling?
Mamie: That was our team. Nineteen sixty-two and sixty-three city champions.
Elka: We bought this wine and said we'd drink it together in fifty years.
Mamie: Only we lost track of the others.
Elka: That's what I want for my birthday: reunite the old gang.
Melanie: Well, I can do that. Who are they?
Mamie: [showing a GLOB poster] There's Elka and me. All we need to find is Diane, Angie and Peg.

Elka: [about Joy] Just copy everything she does.
Mamie: I don't think I could pull off that skirt.
Elka: Many have.

Mamie: Someone's at our table.
Diane: Hello, GLOBs!
Elka: Looks like she made it after all.

[first lines]
Victoria: [looking at a shirtless Sean holding a baby] Aaaaaaawww.
Joy: See, just like the calendar. Okay, Sean, put your shirt back on.
Victoria: Aaww.
Joy: Thanks for being such a good sport.
Victoria: Yeah, and for teaching us that other thing.
Sean: Baby CPR.
Victoria: Yes, that. Now if any baby faints when they hear that I'm dating Sir Emmet Lawson, I'll know how to revive them.
Sean: You're dating Emmet Lawson the movie star?
Victoria: How did you drag that out of me?

[last lines]
Joy: Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?
Mamie: Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.
Joy: Wilbur, darling, say 'Nana'. Na-na.
Baby: Nana.
Joy: Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.
Mamie: Well, actually his first word wa...
Elka: Zip it.
Victoria: I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.
Joy: Wilbur, say it again. Say 'Nana'.
Baby: TV.
Melanie: Did he just say 'TV'?
Elka: I heard 'Nana'.
Baby: TV.
Elka: That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.
Joy: Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.
Baby: Crap!
Elka: That is us watching our language.
Joy: That's it; you two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.
Baby: Bitch!
Elka: I got nothing.

Mamie: Why don't we take a break and get some fresh air?
Mamie: Mamie-Sue, we're already outside.
Mamie: Fine! I'm going inside for some stale air.

Joy: [looking at a man with a dog] You know, I rather like a vet's office. I rather like it a lot.
Melanie: Ah, Joy, please don't.
Mamie: What's she doing?
Melanie: Something happens to Joy when she sees a man bringing a pet to a doctor; it's her love kryptonite.
Joy: It shows they're sensitive, committed, responsible, yet somehow still men.

[first lines]
Joy: Say 'Nana'. Say 'Nana', Wilbur, 'Nana'.
Elka: It's official. Men of *all* ages ignore you.
Joy: Look, some of the other babies in Wilbur's play group have already started talking. Actually, I was getting a little embarrassed so I knocked a few months off his age.
Mamie: You lied about a baby's age?
Victoria: Ah, I wish my mother had done that for me. But, no... I'm a self-made thirty-something.

[last lines]
Doctor: Oh, Mamie, you're always such a shameless flirt. May I be forward with you?
Mamie: Please.
Doctor: What are you doing Saturday night?
Mamie: I'm having dinner with a tall, handsome doctor.
Doctor: [disappointed] Oh.
Mamie: It's you!
Doctor: It's me?
Mamie: It's you.
[to the others over his shoulder as they hug]
Mamie: See, that's how it's done.

[first lines]
Melanie: Morning, ladies. What's up?
Mamie: Elka's teaching me how to flirt. Right now we're in a happening night spot, and I'm dressed very provocatively.
Elka: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Mamie: Have we started, or are you really asking?
Elka: You see what I'm up against?
Victoria: Good morning, ladies.
Melanie: Where's Oscar?
Victoria: Unpacking.
Mamie: Oscar? Who's he?
Victoria: She. My daughter. After I had Emmy and Tony, I was determined to have an Oscar no matter what.
Melanie: Oscar's been studying journalism in London for the last two years; now she works for NPR.
Victoria: And she's here to do a story on me.
Melanie: Actually, it's a story about *us*, moving from LA to Cleveland.
Victoria: It's about second acts in life, and how I moved here and reinvented myself.
Melanie: *We* reinvented ourselves!
Victoria: I hope that's not the selfish tone you're going to take in the interview.

Elka: There's your professor, Joy.
Joy: So deep and sophisticated. It's like the Leonard Cohen song: he wants to touch my perfect body with his mind.
Mamie: I'd like to touch his perfect body with my hand.
[Elka stares at her]
Mamie: This may not be my first drink.