30 Best Jeff Fischer Quotes

Stanley: You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?
Jackson: Yeah, yeah - you need a vagina.
Jeff: Yeah, vaginas are great. Wish I had one.

Stan: Enjoy that job until your first drug test.
Jeff: It's cool Mr. S., I know everything about drugs.

Jeff: [in the game, they have obtained an amulet to bring Steve's character back to life] What do we do with the amulet?
Hayley: It's a suppository.

Steve: I lost Roger, Hayley. I was wrapped up in my science project and I yelled at him, and I drove him into the arms of a kid who beats him!
Hayley: Oh. I just thought you got like a boner in gym class or something.
Steve: I don't know what to do. Why does he stay, Hayley? Why does he stay?
Hayley: Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.
Jeff: [as he peaks out of the pantry] Can I come out of the pantry now, babe?
Hayley: I said I'll get you when I'm ready!
[throws something at the pantry; Jeff goes back inside]

Santa: I'm coming for you, Smiths! Hyah!
Steve: How did he find us?
Jeff: Oh. I wrote him a letter telling him where he can deliver our presents.
Stan: He's trying to kill us, you moron! You gave away our hiding spot!
Hayley: Dad, stop it. He didn't know.
Stan: He doesn't know anything! He's super dumb, Hayley. Jeff, please leave my family alone forever. Will you do me that kindness?
Hayley: Dad!
Stan: [as Jeff sadly leaves the cabin] He understood. It's a Christmas miracle.

Jeff: I love going to the zoo. The drinking fountains are so cold there. Do you think it's water from the polar bear thing?

Jeff: [Stan, Jeff and Henry are sitting around the kitchen table, having dinner] So Dad, Stan's a friend of mine from Langley Falls. I've got a pretty good life up there: I'm in charge of tire inflation at the bike shop.
Henry: [sarcastically] Uh! Tire inflation? Oh, that is so great! Course, I'm not surprised: that's just the latest in a long list of achievements. I'm so proud of my son. In fact, this is the wall where I keep all his awards.
[shows Stan an empty wall; then, still sarcastically, standing up]
Henry: What? There's nothing there! Oh my God! They've been stolen! I better call the sheriff!
[pretending to dial a number]
Henry: We're gonna get to the bottom of this! It's ringing... Hello, Sheriff Perkins? Henry Fischer. Yes, yes, father of the illustrious Jeff Fischer. Someone has stolen all his awards. All of them! Must have been several strong men with a huge truck. What? What do you mean, Jeff's never won an award in his entire life? But if that were true, that would mean my son is a worthless piece of crap who never accomplished anything! Well, sir, I'm not gonna sit here while you say those awful things about my pride and joy!
[hangs up the phone, then kneels down before a smiling Jeff]
Henry: I promise you, son: I will not rest until I get every single ribbon, trophy and letter of commendation back on that wall!
[salutes Jeff and leaves. Then enters again]
Henry: I'm gonna go down to the bar, round up a posse. We'll get Charlie's dogs, close off the perimeter! You just sit there and keep on making me proud.
[pretends to wipe off a tear, then leaves again]
Jeff: [to Stan] Isn't he great?
Stanley: Great? Jeff, your dad is a humongous jerk!
Jeff: No, he's just kidding around. He loves me. That's why he can never know what happened in Florida.
Stanley: Look, Jeff, no one wants to admit their dad is a bad guy, but...
Jeff: Bad guy? Look who's talking! You're the one who tricked me and pretended to be my friend! My dad would never do anything that mean.
[Henry comes back, still sarcastically speaking to Jeff]
Henry: I need something for Charlie's dogs so they can pick up the scent. Do you have your high school diploma? No? They got that too? Oh, those monsters are gonna pay.
[leaves]

Roger the Alien: [after Jeff gets beaten for the umpteenth time] This is getting ridiculous. You want me to walk you home again?
Jeff: [pushes him away] It didn't help last time!
[Jeff leaves]
Roger the Alien: Jeez, just trying to help the kid out.
[Jeff slams the door, Roger stretches and cracks his knuckles]
Roger the Alien: I'm gonna rape him this time.
[Jeff walks down the dark hallway looking perturbed until his sees Roger again once again in his cat burglar disguise]
Roger the Alien: You know the drill here.
Jeff: [voice breaking in anger] You know, I remember a time when this was a safe hallway. I left my door unlocked, kids playing after dark. I can walk home without being scared - AND I DON'T WANNA BE SCARED ANYMORE!
Roger the Alien: Just shut up and give me...
[Jeff grabs his gun and shoots at Roger repeatedly until the gun cocks out, Jeff walks away, Roger weakly takes out his gun to shoot Jeff until his hand slips shooting his own foot]
Roger the Alien: OW! That's a whoopsie.

Jeff: Whoa! Hundred dollar bills. Hello, President Shakespeare.

Jeff: [Clinking their drinks together] Here's to our sexless marriage.
Hayley: At least I can stop shaving. Let the forest reclaim the land.

Jeff: I want a son to carry on my legacy. My Subaru Legacy.

Jeff: [after Jeff is caught masturbating in the bathroom by Francine and Klaus] I'm sorry, but when I'm not smoking pot, I suffer from HLS, Hyperactive Libido Syndrome. When it hits, I got to get busy right away.
Francine: If you're gonna do that in this house, you'll do it where everyone else in this family does it: in Steve's bed.
Steve: [off-screen] What?

Jeff: [to Hayley] How's Yerhugeva Gina?
Hayley: Oh, Yerhugeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.

Hayley: [to Jeff about Francine] If you even look at her, I'll pour this hot coffee down your pants, pervert.
Jeff: Yeah, well, it'll be the first time you got me hot in a while, Frisbee whore.

Jeff: Mr. Smith, no one has to die! I promise I won't tell anyone! I swear! I swear on my promise!
Stan: That's not what people say, Jeff.

Stan: I hope this is the year I get to ride Tequila Joe!
Jeff: But Mr. S, no one has ever ridden Tequila Joe. He's untamable!
Stan: Jeff, why is it that you only ever open your mouth to shit on my dreams? Go inside. You're not coming to the dude ranch.
Jeff: Babe?
Hayley: Maybe next time no talking 'till we get there.

Jeff: What are you doing?
Hayley: Oh this? Just testing... the nature.
Jeff: [calmly] Did it test positive for
[exasperated]
Jeff: *genital lies*?

Hayley: [At a party] Jeff you were so good at dinner.
Jeff: Babe we're good together, which is why I was thinking you should move in with me.
Hayley: Woah it's only been three weeks and besides I don't think my dad would be too happy about that.
Jeff: Babe your dad digs me, I can tell he wants us to be together
[Two CIA agents Stan hired break into the house, stuff Hayley into a sack, and drive off with her in a helicopter]

Jeff: [after Hayley wakes up screaming from a bad dream she's having] Babe, you're having a bad dream.
[Hayley breaks Jeff's arm in her sleep and he screams]
Hayley: [as she wakes up] Jeff, you're having a bad dream.
Jeff: No, I'm not. You broke my arm.

Jeff: [to Hayley as he lies in bed with her] So babe I'm just curious, I'm not really sure how you feel about us right now
Hayley: [appearing to talk to him in a childish manner] I love you, you're my best friend
Jeff: [breathes a sigh of relief] That's so great to hear, I love you too Hayls
Hayley: [pan to reveal Hayley is talking to an Anna doll from Frozen] It's so awesome you're a princess, what's that Anna, there's a stinky, hairy ogre in the room?
[turns towards Jeff]
Hayley: you and your pee-pee are gross!

Steve: [to Snot about Hayley] If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure she has the herps.
Jeff: [sticks his head out the window] Yeah, she does.

Stanley: [to Jeff] Let me get this straight. You ran away with my memory-erased mother to a pagan festival just to get my attention?
Jeff: Did it work?
Stanley: Did it ever!

Jeff: Three days till Christmas! Mr. S., I have to mail my letter to Santa. I'm asking for an authentic polar bear helmet from the movie "Golden Compass."
Stan: You're a golden dumbass!

Jeff: Cool, a new imaginary friend! I've got so much to tell you! Did you know Keyser Soze was Kevin Spacey?
Roger the Alien: I did. I've known that for about 15 years now.

Principal: Hey, can I get another one of those Stephen Hawking pills where my mind's working but my body ain't? Maybe I'll write a book while I'm out. Call it "A Brief History of Fine". Be about Diana Ross. Yeah...
Jeff: Here, take the whole bottle.
Principal: Great, see you all in twelve hours.
[eats pills and collapses]
Principal: Fire up the cloud car, Lando - I'm coming to visit!

Francine: Your father won't be joining us for dinner.
Jeff: I'm sorry our horse-for-two costume freaked him out, Mrs. S.
Francine: Just bad timing, Jeff.
Jeff: It's a sex thing.
Francine: I know, Jeff.

Jeff: Hey, Mr. S., I'll go shooting with you guys, too.
Stan: [covers his eyes] Jeff, I am trying to have a bonding experience with my son. You are not my son. You are no part of this family and when I open my eyes, you better be gone, okay? I don't want to see a trace of you.
[opens his eyes and sees Jeff still in the room]

Jeff: Ah, the source of my power.
Hayley: Whoa, are you're full demon now?
Jeff: I was forged in this spicy habenaro mango infused cason. The first element of all God's creation.

Jeff: [after his clothes are ripped off while skiing] Aah! Cold Penis!

Jeff: [after bring home a child] Hayley, meet our son. I named him after my favorite character in literature, Nemo from the novelization of the film "Finding Nemo."