Top 200 Quotes From Roger the Alien

Roger the Alien: My name is Braff Zacklin. I was an international racecar driver. One day, a baby carriage rolled out onto the track so I swerved into the retaining wall to avoid it. The car burst into flames, but the baby miraculously survived. I was that baby.
Steve: That doesn't make any sense.
Roger the Alien: I'm Braff Zacklin!

Roger the Alien: We're poor, we've got too many kids, it stinks to high heaven. This'll inspire one hell of a country song. Just need a macchiato to get me going.
[to Naydern]
Roger the Alien: Where's our espresso maker, dear?
Naydern: The what?
Roger the Alien: [Scene cuts to Roger driving off] No, thank you!

Roger the Alien: I'm going to make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.

Steve: [to Roger] You know what? You're nothing but a drug addict. Birds died because of you!
Roger the Alien: Oh, my God. Who cares?
Steve: Our partnership is over! I never want to see you again!
[walks off]
Roger the Alien: Then don't look in the night sky because I'm a star, and that's not the cocaine talking.
[to the women]
Roger the Alien: So, girls, tell me more about your childhood. Now that's the cocaine talking.

Roger the Alien: I'm out of here.
Mr. Rothberg: Whoa, the wedding's about to start.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, look, I lied. I'm not an orthodonist.
Mr. Rothberg: That's okay. You can work for my greeting card company.
Roger the Alien: I'm also not Jewish.
Mr. Rothberg: You'll convert.
Roger the Alien: I'm not even human.
Mr. Rothberg: Who is?
Roger the Alien: Oh, you're strong.

Doctor: When you ran over your wife, twice, it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we in the medical profession call a "husk."
Roger the Alien: I've heard of that.
Doctor: We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental procedure your insurance won't cover.
Stan: That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it.
Doctor: It's $178,000.
Stan: What if l don't need her to talk?

Francine: Whoa, Roger. You know you can't leave the house.
Roger the Alien: Everyone else gets to.
Francine: Well, everyone else isn't an alien, now are they?
Roger the Alien: Whoa! Somebody had a big piece of grouchy pie this morning.

Roger the Alien: [Sees a Planet of the Apes ornament] This bust of Ben Stiller is hideous. But it's mine!

Roger the Alien: Stan, how could you say nothing special happened?
Stan: Because I just want to forget about it, okay? I was drunk, and I made a mistake, and we're never gonna talk about it again.
[Roger gasps]
Francine: What are you boys whispering about?
Stan: Different types of sandwiches!

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You know, I... I got to admit, I was nervous about going there last night, but you were right. We were totally ready. Kinda like how you were ready for sleepaway camp in 3rd grade even though you cried in the car all the way there.
Stan: How... how do you know that?
Roger the Alien: Well, I know all your memories now. Just like you know all mine, right?
Stan: I don't know anything anymore.
Roger the Alien: Huh. You didn't get any of my memories? That's weird. Must be an alien thing.

Roger the Alien: Au revoir, stardom.
[pushes a cinder block which drags the Roger doll to the bottom along with Steve off the boat and into the water]
Roger the Alien: Oh, did I tie that to Steve's ankle? Guess I'm clumsy like he wrote in the book. How do like that ending, Steve?

Roger the Alien: [Roger is imitating Gollum] Masters wants to destroy it
Roger the Alien: [in his normal voice] You mean the medal?
Roger the Alien: [in his Gollum voice] We have to destroy masters
Roger the Alien: [in his normal voice] Say it, don't spray it and secondly I agree with you

Stan: [while telling a joke] What are the three rings of marriage? The first one's the engagement ring, the second one's the wedding ring and the third one? The "suffer"-ring.
[everyone laughs]
Roger the Alien: Stan, that's not a good joke 'cause it's not racist.

Roger the Alien: You know what grenadine turns cold cola into? Roy Rogers! You know what grenadine turns warm cola into? You tell ME when I throw it in your face!

Roger the Alien: [while holding a net standing next to a big envelope] Elian? Is that you, baby? Come on in. You're safe here. I will not send you back to Coo-ba.

Roger the Alien: So, were you serious about trading places?
Stan: Hey, you want to start a job, pay the bills, deal with everyone's problems? Be my guest. When it all gets too much for you, I'll be getting drunk up in the attic.

Stanley: [after the family is infected with a virus, Roger is making plans to redecorate the house] What makes you so sure you're going to survive?
Roger the Alien: Oh, my species is immune to all human ailments.
Stanley: So explain that cold sore.
Roger the Alien: [shouts] Mind your own business!

Stan: [to his family] We can be together again! I've got a plan.
Roger the Alien: Does that plan include explaining why a footless blind man is giving an expert bajowski to our baggage handler?
[looks outside the window]
Roger the Alien: Admire the skills!

Steve: [to Roger about Henry hurting him] Oh, my God, your eye! Did he hit you?
Roger the Alien: It was my fault. I disobeyed Captain's orders and jeopardized the mission.
Steve: Stop making excuses for him! You sound just like Daphne Zuniga from that Lifetime movie and you remember what happened to her.
Roger the Alien: Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen to me.

Francine: Roger, what's going on with Stan? He's been acting very nervous and secretive.
Roger the Alien: You can add distant and hurtful to that list.
Francine: Something happened in Atlantic City, didn't it?
Roger the Alien: No.
Francine: Roger, look at me. What happened in Atlantic City?
Roger the Alien: Why don't you ask your husband?
[breaks his coffee mug and hides under the blankets]
Roger the Alien: I'll thank you to leave now.

Mr. Rivera: [to Roger] You don't have any lines. Stop improvising!
Roger the Alien: I need to be heard. I have 20 people coming to see me. I'm crushing hard on one of them. Do you know what that's like, Mr. Rivera-Perez? You're a gay, amateur director. You must've crushed hard on someone along the way. Daniel? Maybe... maybe there was a Daniel in your life?

[Roger must play a burn victim in front of Steve's crush]
Roger the Alien: I even watched the latest Meg Ryan movie where she played that burn victim.
Steve: She never played a burn victim.
[Steve walks off]
Roger the Alien: Oh, Meg, honey...

Roger the Alien: [while dressed up as a doctor] You know, the thing about working in a hospital is if you don't have a funny black friend, things get pretty boring.
Turk: Vanilla Bear! Let's go grab a beer and see what Carla and the mean janitor are doing.
Roger the Alien: Aah! Take whatever you want!

[phone rings, Hayley answers]
Hayley: Hello?
Roger the Alien: Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
Hayley: Roger? Whoah! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences?
Roger the Alien: Oh, right, it's past noon, you're already high.

Roger the Alien: [to Klaus] Remember we were watching CSI, I said I want to do that, you said you totally should, ring a bell?
Klaus: No. Are you sure you weren't high on angel dust and talking to the ceiling fan?

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I leased the restaurant truck like you wanted!
Stan: Is it Arctic White?
Roger the Alien: Yeah. It's weird how white it is. Weirder than one of those white dog poos.
Stan: Oh, yeah, those are weird. Have you ever seen a dog lay one of those?
Roger the Alien: No. Just seen them on the grass.
Stan: Me too.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I know the restaurant business. I managed a Hardee's in Myrtle Beach for three years. Everyone called it "Party Hardee's" 'cause of the buttload of drugs I was moving through there. I was "sick" the day of the raid. Got tipped off by this detective whose daughter I saved from drowning. But I... I can't go back there. He won't look the other way again.

Stanley: My butt is on the line!
Roger the Alien: Well, that must be one massive line, 'cause your butt is huge!

Roger the Alien: Hayley don't Preach/ I'm in trouble deep/ Hayley don't Preach/ I need booze to sleep/ but I've made up my mind...

Steve: We're doing an outer space party. We're gonna have our faces painted like aliens and everything.
Roger the Alien: Oh, white people in alien face? Running around going, "Beep boop bop." This what you do when there's no alien in the room? How would you feel if I made fun of you? "Oh, uh, I'm human. I'm from planet Earth. I think I'm coming down with a cold." Hurts, don't it?

Roger the Alien: Here's a condom. Don't use it. Do what I do. Pretend to put it on, then hide it in your poop cannon.

Roger the Alien: [after stopping the show to receive an award for the 1000th vagina joke] Wow. I don't know what to say. Except I'd like to thank vaginas everywhere. They're creepy and I don't know what they're used for but they sure are funny!

Hayley: What do you know about Henry Kissinger?
Roger the Alien: Well, I know he was a Jew, but if you get me some Churros, I can stretch that out to 500 words easy.

Roger the Alien: And now Francine's in prison and it's all because I lost my edge. I'm washed up. I'm done.
Isabella: Listen to yourself. Your friend's locked up and all I hear is " I, I, I".
Roger the Alien: Wow. You missed a ton of what I said.

Roger the Alien: I'm Krispy Kreme McDonald's. My Krispy Kreme mama got raped by my McDonald's daddy.

Hayley: [after Jeff gets sent to space instead of Roger] What the hell just happened? My Jeff. My dear, sweet...
Roger the Alien: Hurry up, Hayley. You're sitting in the middle.

Steve: [talking about the cool things a video game alien can do] Oh... um... sorry, Roger
Roger the Alien: No, no, you said it. It's out in the open. We have to live with it now.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You can't keep two girls on lockdown. You already got Francine. If you want to let her go, then I'll back off Scarlett. Of course, then, I'll plow Francine.
Francine: I'd let him, too. Dan Andsome-Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.

Roger the Alien: Inserting laxative into hot dog "A." Inserting hot dog "B" into my "A."

Stan: [to Roger] So when did you realize Scarlett was an alien hunter?
Roger the Alien: Took a little longer than I'd prefer to admit. For a while, I just thought we were having super-kinky sex and then she cut off my face.

Roger the Alien: You know, we can't all look like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies, Francine.

Roger the Alien: Hey, Hayley-kins, want to play Jenga?
Hayley: That game's kind of lame. Unless you want to make it a little more interesting.
Roger the Alien: Uh... no thanks.
Hayley: I thought you loved to gamble.
Roger the Alien: Oh, is that what that means? Oh, I thought you were hitting on me. No, sure, yeah, let's play.

Roger the Alien: [to Klaus] I hate you, I'm not saying that out of anger, it's a fact, it's 67 degrees out and I hate you

Roger the Alien: Don't hurt me! I know it sounds cliche, but I mean you no harm!
Stanley: You're the alien? But they said you'd be bigger, and with claws.
Roger the Alien: Oh, I've got claws. Look how fat you are. See? Kitty can scratch.

Francine: Roger, I'm glad you're not straddling me anymore, but you're ruining your Build-A-Bear.
Roger the Alien: Hey, if he doesn't like it, he can say something. That's why I gave him three mouths. Well, that's not why.
[laughs]

Roger the Alien: [about a country musician that plays at his bar] I... I don't understand it. They play three chords and whine about their lives, and the crowd goes nuts.
Hayley: You gotta listen to the words. Country music comes from the heart.
Roger the Alien: It comes from the ass. Right in the middle of the ass.

Roger the Alien: I wish Francine would buy me something other than Coppola wine. Tastes like beard hair and Sofia sweat.

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God, look what's on Lifetime! Daphne Zuniga in "Spooning with Anger."
Steve: So?
Roger the Alien: So? That's our favorite spousal abuse movie of all time. We gave it even higher marks that Valerie Bertinelli's classic, "Please Kevin, Not in the Face."

Roger the Alien: I guess you had to come out of, or regularly visit- Francine's clown hole to matter around this place!
Francine: It *is* a happening spot.

Roger the Alien: [excited about Stan's fancy new drink] Oh my god, what is this and how can I replace my blood with it?

Roger the Alien: [to Klaus] Oh, geez. So you were in here last night?
Klaus: I tried to look away, but I couldn't. It was so horrible. Like looking at the ass of God.

Roger the Alien: That punch. That punch right there. That's the punch where everything went black and I was finally able to achieve orgasm.

Roger the Alien: [after he and Stan get kicked off My Morning Jacket's tour bus] You boner.

Stan: Hey, Hayley, be our line judge!
Hayley: Can't! I'm making a landing pad for when the aliens bring Jeff back.
Roger the Alien: Okay, sweetie.
[to Stan]
Roger the Alien: I'm sure by now he's been dissected for science. Or for fun. It's pretty fun.

Roger the Alien: [to Farmer Ted] Here's my home number, my cell and the women's shelter where I'm either volunteering or dropping off my stupid whore wife. Soup is not a meal, Vera!

Roger the Alien: Pillow Fight!
[clocks the hooker, knocking her out]
Roger the Alien: Whoops, forgot I put some sodas in there...

Roger the Alien: [to Stan as he's dancing] Look at me like you're a virgin!

Roger the Alien: White mission control be all, "Uh, we are clear to initiate landing sequence for space shuttle Atlantis," but black mission control be all, "Get out of the way. Here comes the shuttle!"

Stan: Francine, run!
Roger the Alien: Oh, can't a brother get a "Run, Roger"? Damn! Gotta be all self-runnin' and whatnot!

Stan: [to Roger] My God! Did you get in a fight at school?
Roger the Alien: No. Look, you know, I'm gonna be a straight shooter with you now. I think I screwed the pooch on this one.
Stan: What?
Roger the Alien: You know how you said try to be friends with the senator's daughter?
Stan: Yeah.
Roger the Alien: Well, it began like that, and then middle, middle, middle and then I sold her to a drug dealer. The end.
Stan: You what?
Roger the Alien: Are you seriously mad at me, Stan? You're the who's always telling me to go with my instincts. I thought you'd be proud of me.
[looks out the window]
Roger the Alien: Ah, there's a blue jay out there.
Stan: I don't want to see the blue jay.
Roger the Alien: Oh, it's so blue. You're not gonna want to miss this.
Stan: No.
Roger the Alien: Stan...
Stan: Fine.
Roger the Alien: Oh, it's gone.
Stan: Why would you sell the girl?
Roger the Alien: Why would you not look at the blue jay earlier?

Roger the Alien: You worthless piece of *bleep*.
Hayley: Excuse me?
Roger the Alien: Excuse you? For eating the rest of my potato bread? I made that myself and you know I didn't.

Roger the Alien: [Persian Club Shark] My cousin makes porno and I think you girls should get involved, I hear it makes you feel really good about yourself.

Roger the Alien: [while drunk] Christianity. My favorite deadbeat dad story. Check it: God fathers this kid, then disappears and then when the kid becomes famous, God wants to come live with Him. Exact same thing happened to Shaq. He did a rap about it called "My Biological Didn't Bother".

Roger the Alien: Poor Ned Beatty. He can he can play Rudy's dad all he wants, but when we look at him, all we see is him getting rammed in the woods.

Roger the Alien: [singing] I'm gonna eat some bread. Gonna eat my potato bread. Gonna eat some p-o-t-a-t-o-t-o-t-o bread. Potato Bread!

Mitch: One thing delivering pizzas has taught me is that easy street isn't always the best route.
Steve: So true.
Roger the Alien: Okay, Steve, when people start a sentence with, "What delivering pizzas has taught me," that's the go-ahead to tune out.

Qurchhhh: [to Roger] I know I need a disguise, but won't it look strange, you checking into a romantic B&B with your dog?
Roger the Alien: Well, if anyone asks, I'll just explain that I'm banging my dog. That should stop the questions.

Roger the Alien: Cops already? What, are we next door to a freakin' Krispy Kreme?
Stan: You're thinking about donuts now?
Roger the Alien: No, I'm just saying the cops got here fast!
Stan: What the hell do fast cops have to do with a Krispy Kreme?
Roger the Alien: Because cops love donuts!
Stan: You are not making any sense!
[the police car stops as Roger hides in the trunk of Stan's car, then the cop comes out]
Stan: Evening, officer. Is there a...
[vomits right onto the cop's chest, who glares at him, then he's soon after put under house arrest for DUI]

Steve: I'm running away. It's the only way I can escape those psycho Rangers.
Roger the Alien: Oh! Oh, take me with you. Maybe my special power is keeping you from getting molested at the bus station. Maybe.

Roger the Alien: [the entire family will die, Roger is redecorating] I'm thinking of sea foam! What do you think?
[they stare blankly, insulted]
Roger the Alien: 'Cause, you know, I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all of the sad.

Roger the alien: She's as graceful as a frozen turd.

Klaus: [when Steve doesn't let Roger in his band] Oooh, he shut you down. What are you gonna do, cry?
Roger the Alien: No, I'm gonna walk out of here 'cause I have legs.

[Family is playing Scrabble]
Steve: Quivecs? That's not a word.
Roger the Alien: It is on my planet!
Francine: Is it a proper noun?
[beat]
Roger the Alien: Damn!
[rearranges letters]

Roger the Alien: Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing cause that's a giant load of crap.

Doctor: [following Mammogram] Your breasts are full of spiders!
Roger the Alien: That's how I like 'em!

Hayley: [to Roger] Hey, what happened to being a country singer?
Roger the Alien: Oh, living the honky-tonk life was too hard. I'm doing calypso dancing now.
Hayley: I don't blame you. The woman you ran off with was a mess. Did she have a tattoo of Burt Reynolds on her stomach?
Naydern: No, she didn't. It's Victor from "The Young and the Restless."
[shows off her tattoo]

Roger the Alien: [after Stan accidentally stabs him with the daggers] Ah! You dumb son of a...! No, that's not who Roland is. Hey! You're doing great!

Roger the Alien: [to Stan on the phone] We need to talk about Atlantic City. Francine's asking questions and I don't know what to tell her.
Stan: Tell her nothing! Look, I have work to do.
Roger the Alien: Don't hang up! I will not be ignored, Stan. I'll come down there. Oh, yeah, I'll come down there, and I will make such a scene!

Roger the Alien: [real estate scam] Oh look, another serious buyer.
Husband: But you're so young
Wife: How can you possibly afford this house?
Steve: Remember the kid from Jerry Maguire?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Of course.
Steve: Well, he pays me to call hotels before his arrival to ensure they have pillows that can support his massive head. I do quite well. Which is why I'm prepared to offer you $99,000. And not a penny more.
Roger the Alien: Oh, yeah? Let me see the cash. I don't need to see the cash. Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be? You gonna offer me 100 K, or are you going to let Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch make you look like a punk in front of your hot wife?
Wife: Well, are you?

Roger the Alien: [sniffs] Oh, I'm cleaning with gin. That means I've had 14 Pine-Sol martinis. And explains why my diarrhea cleaned the toilet.

Roger the Alien: I've waited my whole life to do this. The finger pyramid of evil contemplation. Feels good.

Roger the Alien: [while in the bathtub with Hayley] Baths are so great 'cause the toilet's right there, you know? No stress.

Roger the Alien: [after knocking out two girls in their living room] Did you see where they went?
Stanley: Who?
Roger the Alien: The black guys that did this.

Steve: Seriously, can't you do *anything*?
Roger the Alien: I can get my feelings hurt and throw a world-class hissy fit!

Hayley: So how was the big night?
Roger the Alien: It was... what's the word? Shmooblydong? Is that a word?

Roger the Alien: I made it rain, made it rain. I made it rain on them boys!

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips, Dad. I want that kind of relationship with you.

Jewel: Oh, Roger, stop it. I don't have a hard time looking at you.
Roger the Alien: At me?
Jewel: I can see past your hydrocephalic head and into your beautiful mind. You're like Russell Crowe and I'm Jennifer Connelly.
Roger the Alien: Yeah. Yeah, you're Jennifer Connelly.

Roger the Alien: Four Guatemalans will be here Thursday morning at 7:00 with boxes and packing tape. Under no circumstances are you to feed them or tip them. If the job is done well, they will each be rewarded with a large fries.

Steve: [to Roger] Do you know what time it is?
Roger the Alien: Nope. We were having sex in the park and I totally lost track. I must have been making weird noises 'cause a bunch of cats wouldn't leave us alone. Had to throw a couple cats.
Steve: Roger, you have to stop this.
Roger the Alien: I see. I know what's really going on here. You can't stand the fact that Snot's cool now and you're no longer king of the nerds.
Steve: That's ridiculous! I mean sure there's been an established hierarchy, but...
[looks at the object that Roger has]
Steve: What wh-what is that?
Roger the Alien: Oh, this? My stress ball.
Steve: But there's a crack in it.
Roger the Alien: Uh-huh.
Steve: Oh, my God, that's how you and Snot have been...
Roger the Alien: Relieving stress. Because this is a stress ball. And trust me, Snot's been relieving a lot of stress into this thing.

Steve: [after Roger accidentally calls Steve "Scotty"] Scotty?
Roger the Alien: That's my new nickname for you. Your favorite "Star Trek" character.
Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] Dressed already? Where you going?
Stan: I was... uh, gonna... gonna get some coffee.
Roger the Alien: Ooh, sounds like heaven. I'm also a little "nibbly nib." You wanna grab some brunch?
Stan: Uh, w-we should... we should probably just head on home. Can I... uh, have my shirt back?
Roger the Alien: Oh, boo. It's so comfy. Tell you what. Why don't I give it back to you after I wash it?

Roger the Alien: Stan, you skipped the milestones of youth. That's why you can't get out of here. Your inner child is putting his foot down.
Stan: I don't know. That sounds like mumbo jumbo.
Roger the Alien: It is. Dr. Mumbo Jumbo was my mentor at the People's Hospital in Cameroon.

Roger the Alien: [to Francine] Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter but he'd never cheat on you.
Francine: It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash at 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes, when you're on the floor with another girl, guys will throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision?

Roger the Alien: It's not Silly Juice it's Necessary Juice!

[Stan brings home a baby to replace Hayley when she moves out]
Roger the Alien: Is that a Chinese baby?
Stanley: Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.

Roger the Alien: It's not silly juice, it's necessary juice!

Stan: [Stan and Roger open the bedroom door and find Steve laying on the bed reading while a line of guys take turns feeling his breast] Oh my god! My son's a slut!
Roger the Alien: Oh my god! I just made that bed!

Roger the Alien: Oh, what fresh Hell is this?

Roger the Alien: I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy
Francine: I just feel so sad for those poor actors

Roger the Alien: [jail guard blowing whistle] Look out! He's calling the Von Trapp children
[dogs barking]
Roger the Alien: Oh, that makes more sense. Run!

Roger the Alien: Glass of scotch in my hand, fan on my crotch. Scotch-crotch-bygotch.

Roger the Alien: [about Scarlett] I think I'm going to ask her out.
Stan: You? You three-foot-tall, gray, disgusting piece of shit! Scarlett's an angel. You're a pig. She would never go for you.
Roger the Alien: Listen, you, that hurts. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but you... you cracked it.

Klaus: I'll tell you something, though. You've just eaten all the potato salad Francine made for the Deacon's Wake! Ha ha ha!
Roger the Alien: And you didn't stop me? How could you do that?
Klaus: Yeah, still German...

Stan: [to Roger] Shut it down, pack it up.
Roger the Alien: What?
Stan: Pack up your crap. You're moving to the basement. My mom's gonna live up here from now on.
Roger the Alien: But, Stan, this is my attic. This is my home. You can't do this.
Stan: Sorry, bro. Mom's family.
Roger the Alien: But I'm family, too! You just called me bro!
Stan: Sorry, cuz, I was just using it as slang. Let me break it down for you, son: Family is your siblings, your kids or most importantly, people you have physically been inside either sexually or as a fetus.

Stan: [to Roger as he falls at Niagara Falls] Why'd you let go?
Roger the Alien: Because I don't think your mom and I are gonna be able to patch things up and I'd rather be dead than no longer a part of your family!
Stan: I was wrong, Roger. You don't have to be in my family to be my family!
Roger the Alien: Dude, seriously? I really wish I'd known before I let go!

Roger the Alien: Hey, hey. Should I come out of the closet and then make a big stink when they won't let me take my 50-year-old boyfriend to the prom?

Kid: [Stan's mind is in the body of a racehorse] Hey, can I pet your horse?
Roger the Alien: Sure.
[Kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes]
Roger the Alien: Honey, don't do that. Horses don't like being poked in the eyes.
[the kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes again]
Roger the Alien: Stop that. He doesn't like it.
Stan: [the kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes again] If you ever do that again I'm going to come round to your house and kick your Mom to death right in front of you!
Kid: Ahh! Ahh!
[Runs away terrified]

Roger the Alien: And now Francine's in prison and it's all because I lost my edge. I'm washed up. I'm done.
Judge: Listen to yourself. Your friend's locked up and all I hear is " I, I, I".
Roger the Alien: Wow. You missed a ton of what I said.

Roger the Alien: [about Stan] The boob strikes again.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You bastard! You pushed me into this! I told you it would ruin our friendship, but you said, "No, let's go. Do it to me." So I gave myself to you.
Stan: Why the hell can't you just let this go?
Roger the Alien: Because you were my first!
[cries]
Stan: I had no idea.
Roger the Alien: I wanted a buddy, but now I never want to see you again.
[leaves Stan's car; Stan starts to drive away, but Roger comes back and opens the car door]
Roger the Alien: You were supposed to come after me!
[grabs his arm]
Stan: What? You crazy psycho bitch! Leave me alone!

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] And what makes you the big dog?
Stan: Um, everything. I'm smarter than you, I'm stronger than you, I can wet-nurse better than you.
[starts to lactate]
Stan: Easy, girls.

Henry: Roger, don't go! I swear I'll change. We'll play all day and we'll make a fort out of pillows and I'll never be too busy for you. You're my alien.
Roger the Alien: Oh, Henry, yes, yes! A thousand times, yes!
Steve: No! God, Roger, what the hell? You're the most backward-ass advanced live form ever.
Henry: See? He doesn't care about you.
Steve: Look, Roger. I'm not gonna make a bunch of promises about how we're always gonna play together and how every moment's gonna be great. And if a girl calls and I think there's a shot at boob, I'm going for the boob. But I will come home and tell you about it because you're not my alien. You're my friend, my best friend.

Steve: [to Roger] I should've known you'd take it too far.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, you should've. You've known me for years, Steve.

Roger the Alien: Oh, Ernest and Julio Gallo, you make a glorious wine, and a handsome couple!

Roger the Alien: [while reading US Weekly] Stars. They're just like us. Ooh! Here's Tara Reid buying a gallon of vodka and a case of morning-after pills. I drink gallons of vodka. I should be a star.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I'll take your advice if it's love advice. So my man say he been working late, but then Trina call me and tell me she seen his ass in the club. But then when I ask him about this nonsense, he tells me he loves me. How do I make him tell me the truth, but keep our love million-dollar strong?

Betty: [to Stan about Roger] Who's that?
Stan: Oh, don't worry about him. That's just a nobody who lives in the basement.
Roger the Alien: A nobody?
[farts]
Roger the Alien: Who farted? Nobody!
[runs away crying]

Steve: [to Mitch] Sorry, my... um, war veteran uncle here blew up your car.
Mitch: No matter. A car is merely a means oftransporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived, for they contain the dough of life.
Roger the Alien: [pretends to wake up] I'm sorry. I drifted off. Are you on Thorazine? What the hell? I mean, what year is it? Who's president?
Steve: Roger! Mitch, if you can't finish your route, won't you lose your job?
Mitch: Perhaps, for lo, when a pie reaches not its destination, a trust is broken forever.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, look, Kung Fu, I prefer my crazy in my bread.

Roger the Alien: [about the new town the Smiths will be living in] Let's just hope it has what every other small town in America has: Cheap and plentiful methamphetamines.

Roger the Alien: Francine, Courteney Cox played a chef on Friends. Your cooking is worse than her acting!

Roger the Alien,20272: Francine!
Roger the Alien: Good to see you, Mrs. S. You just missed happy hour, but we may still have some crab cakes. Miguel, tenemos crab cakes?
[snaps his fingers]
Francine: I don't want any crab cakes.
Roger the Alien: Good, because there's no Miguel or crab cakes.

Hayley: Roger, you had no right coming to that class and sketching me.
Roger the Alien: The subject telling the artist what he can and can't do? That's like a soup can telling Warhol where to buy speed.

Avery: It is time we Feast! Take them!
Various: It's the 200!
Roger the Alien: Nonsense, they don't exist! I made them up! Wha...?
Hayley: 200 Rogers!
Roger the Alien: 200 mes?

Roger the Alien: Chicken pot pie? Chicken pot bye!

Hayley: Roger, your lecture today was just ideological nonsense.
Roger the Alien: Oh, really? You've just earned yourself a week of detention!
Hayley: There's no detention in college.
Roger the Alien: Oh, right. Well, then I'm taking 50 points from Gryffindor!

Jeff: Cool, a new imaginary friend! I've got so much to tell you! Did you know Keyser Soze was Kevin Spacey?
Roger the Alien: I did. I've known that for about 15 years now.

Roger the Alien: [on the phone] Watching the news?
Stan: How did you know?
Roger the Alien: Cause I'm right behind you
[Stan looks]
Roger the Alien: I'm just kidding, I'm at Indianapolis airport

Stan: Stop. Where's Roger?
Roger the Alien: I left in the middle of the song. It turned into all gibberish, and I won't be a part of it.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] Face it, I'm Ferris Bueller and you're my jealous, big-nosed, sour-faced sister Jeanie.

Roger the Alien: It's four, ninety-nine.
Stan: I guess we can add another five bucks to your tab.
Roger the Alien: Five bucks? For "Barbra Sings Celine"? No - it's four hundred, ninety-nine dollars. Barbra comes expensive or she doesn't come at all.
Stan: Four hundred, ninety-nine dollars? I wouldn't pay that much to see Barbra DO Celine!

Stan: Jury duty is the best way for honest citizens to punish lawbreakers.
Roger the Alien: It's a waste of time. Like getting an HIV test. Roll the dice, scaredy-cats!

Roger the Alien: [when he's dressed up as Hayley] Well, I'm gonna go beg for money on the beach since I'm dressed for it.

Roger the Alien: [to Steve] Go to your room. Get back here. Give me a kiss. You're a good boy. You just frustrate me.

Roger the Alien: Um... yeah. Could somebody tell Snake Pliskin here to back off?

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] Surprise!
[scene cuts to Roger begging to Stan at gunpoint]
Roger the Alien: Look in your heart! I'm praying to you! Look in your heart! You can't do this, it's not right! It's a wrong situation! I couldn't help it, it's my nature. Somebody hands me an angle, I play it. I don't deserve to die for that! You think I do? This is not us! This is some hop dream. I'm praying to you! I can't die! I can't die out here in the woods!
Stan: What the hell are you talking about?
Roger the Alien: It's from my favorite movie, "Miller's Crossing." Bravo, Joel and Ethan Coen. I mean, there are some proud parents, huh? Some nachas for the Coens?

Roger the Alien: [after Jeff gets beaten for the umpteenth time] This is getting ridiculous. You want me to walk you home again?
Jeff: [pushes him away] It didn't help last time!
[Jeff leaves]
Roger the Alien: Jeez, just trying to help the kid out.
[Jeff slams the door, Roger stretches and cracks his knuckles]
Roger the Alien: I'm gonna rape him this time.
[Jeff walks down the dark hallway looking perturbed until his sees Roger again once again in his cat burglar disguise]
Roger the Alien: You know the drill here.
Jeff: [voice breaking in anger] You know, I remember a time when this was a safe hallway. I left my door unlocked, kids playing after dark. I can walk home without being scared - AND I DON'T WANNA BE SCARED ANYMORE!
Roger the Alien: Just shut up and give me...
[Jeff grabs his gun and shoots at Roger repeatedly until the gun cocks out, Jeff walks away, Roger weakly takes out his gun to shoot Jeff until his hand slips shooting his own foot]
Roger the Alien: OW! That's a whoopsie.

Roger the Alien: Those sound like horse names, but they're people.

Roger the Alien: I need a drink. Where's the booze?
Hayley: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Roger the Alien: [pause] Seriously, where's the booze?

Roger the Alien: Spoiler alert! The sweet potatoes suck. How can sweet potatoes not be sweet? Hmm? Frannie, how'd you take the sweet out of the potatoes?

Roger the Alien: [after Francine destroys Roger's painting of Hayley] My art! You've destroyed my drawing of Hayley.
Steve: Hayley?
Roger the Alien: It's obvious what you have to do, Steve. You have to kill yourself.
Steve: What? Why? Nobody saw.
Roger the Alien: God saw. Everyone in heaven saw. Aunt Sadie, Great Gram-Gram, Star Trek's James Doohan...
Steve: Scotty saw?
Roger the Alien: Scotty watched the whole damn thing.
[Steve starts crying]
Hayley: You know what, Roger? This whole thing is your fault. I am gonna kick your ass!
Roger the Alien: You think you got a shot, porn star? Then bring it.
[Hayley punches Roger in the stomach]
Roger the Alien: I wasn't ready. This is how Houdini died!

Roger the Alien: God! Who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay?

Jewel: [to Roger] You can do whatever you want to me.
Roger the Alien: Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in that warehouse at the end of "Raiders"?

Francine: The only good hairdresser in town is Mr Beauregard, and it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.
Klaus: But Francine, you do know somebody. You know Roger. Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
Roger the Alien: [gasps] Don't... cry... in front of the fish!

Stan: Hayley, I need you to understand Jeff's not coming back.
Roger the Alien: Never.
Stan: He's trapped in a cage thousands of light-years away.
Roger the Alien: So far.
Stan: It's hopeless. We'll never know what happened to him.
Roger the Alien: Space rape.

Roger the Alien: [to Francine] You're a terrible cleaner. Look at this place, it's filthy!
[makes a stain on Francine's apron]
Roger the Alien: Yeah, that's a big dirty "S" for "schmutz."

Roger the Alien: Oh, no, not my Frankenberry! Oh, Francine, be reasonable!
[he crashes through the table, sending breakfast items everywhere]
Roger the Alien: Oh, great. I've got a bear claw in my ass.

Roger the Alien: I don't know. Obama may be black, but I bet he keeps his butt clenched like he's white. That's from my stand-up routine. Check it out. You ever notice when a black man poops in the pool, he's like, "Yo, check it," but then when a white guy poops in a pool, he's all, "Oh, my. I'm defecating in the swimming receptacle."

Roger the Alien: Myeeeah!

Roger the Alien: You're putting me on your family plan?
Steve: Roger, what Dad's trying to say is that you're a Smith. We couldn't start a new family plan without you.
Stan: Steve's right. Steve also needs to learn how to keep his trap shut and let me finish my own moment. You defiled my moment, son. Right in front of my wife.

Roger the Alien: [crying] Sons of Tucson, new on FOX? When was this on? I watch FOX. I never saw this.

Stan: [to Roger while drunk, wearing a bathrobe] Welco... welcome home, space lothario. You might have slept with Scarlett, but I'm wearing your robe. Ha!
Roger the Alien: Hey, that's my pooping robe. I can tell by all the poop on the edges.

Roger the Alien: [In front of Storage Unit] BEHOLD, my fortress of solitude.
Stan: [whistle] Impressive.
Fat: Afternoon, Sotineers. Strawberry Coors, it something I invented, I take a regular Coors and I drink it through a twizzler, you see.
Stan: I really Like your roommate.
[Roger opens his storage slightly and rolls through opening]
Stan: Nice touch, with the rolling. Don't want open the door too wide, and let disability check Dan there, See your...
[in awed my Roger's slightly damaged spacecraft]
Stan: fortress of solitude. Oh, good lord, it's real.
Roger the Alien: You know Stan, it's too bad. I actually liked Francine, the rest of them can suck it, but Francine I hate to see die.
[climbs into his ship]
Stan: [Nervously] Roger, we... we joke a lot, me and you. But you know, that deep, deep in my heart, I've always loved...
Roger the Alien: TOO LATE STAN! YOU'VE SEALED YOUR FATE AND NOW...
[Roge press a button, and nothing happens]
Roger the Alien: Something's wrong. What the? Why isn't this
[Roger frequently press a lot of random button]
Stan: [discovers a note taped behind the craft's review mirror and then read it out loud] "Dear human who discover, this wreck please disregard it. We crash this ship into your planet to test new safety features, because we care about our customers. The alien inside, is merely a crash test dummy who most likely died within impact."
Roger the Alien: Crash test dummy? But they told me...
Stan: AH HA HA, the decider, that is classic I am loving this,
[laughs hysterically]
Roger the Alien: No, no this can't be.
Fat: Excuse me, gentlemen. If I just found out I am the Lindbergh baby, whom do I tell?

Stan: [after Jeff finds out that Roger is an alien] And now that you know, to protect this family, I have to kill either you or Roger.
Hayley: Dad, no! I love him!
Roger the Alien: Thank you. The feeling's not mutual, I find you a little doughy, but...
Hayley: Not you! Jeff!

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You just need a little dose of fun. Go out and act like a kid. Wipe your nose on your sleeve, eat Cheerios out of a Baggie, touch a urinal, then touch your face.
Stan: Yeah, okay.
Roger the Alien: Ride the back of a dog and pretend it's a pony, get an ear infection...
Stan: All right. I understand, Roger.
Roger the Alien: Spit on a jellyfish, get a stuffed rabbit and name it Rabbit-O, touch penises with a neighbor boy.

Roger the Alien: You know I have a thing where I have to eat any food I find.

Roger the Alien: It's not a real party until somebody dies!

Roger the Alien: Okay, Steve, if you're looking for gender clarification, there's a number of things we can try. First, we raise some cash to get that dick off you.
Steve: [covering his crotch] Whoa! Coming in hot!

Roger the Alien: As a shut-in, I only have two pleasures: trash TV and booze. Oh, and Shrinky Dinks. You put 'em in the oven, it's like baking art.

Roger the Alien: Delorean? Are you doing coke?
Stan: No
Roger the Alien: I get it, talk later, I'll take half a key

Hayley: I got ninja-darted in the neck and while I was in the void between this world and the next, an overwhelming realization washed over me that Jeff is gone and I accept that now.
Stan: Great!
Hayley: I also accept that you two jerks are the reason he was abducted in the first place. And now, I'm taking your shuttlecock.
[takes the shuttlecock away and leaves]
Roger the Alien: She'll be back.
Stan: Roger, I think you're in denial.
Roger the Alien: No, I'm not.
[angrily]
Roger the Alien: I hate you! I've always hated you!
[nervously]
Roger the Alien: If she brings back the shuttlecock, I'll feed the needy, I swear.
[about to cry]
Roger the Alien: Oh, God, I don't think I can face this. I don't want to be around people.
[sighs and calms down]
Roger the Alien: You know what? It is what it is.
Stan: Roger, you just went through the five stages of grief!
Roger the Alien: But my species has six stages.
[kicks Stan in the groin, causing him to fall down in pain]
Stan: Was that the sixth stage?
Roger the Alien: [smiles] Nope.

Roger the Alien: [as he's riding in Henry's bike] This is one sweet ride. What is she, a Huffy? Baby, you treat me so fine.

Roger the Alien: I'll tell you what's going I like Snot. He's cute and he's funny and he treats me nice. Reminds me of a young Paul Reiser.
Steve: He is nothing like a young Paul Reiser. He's Rob Morrow on his best day.

Roger the Alien: [Talking to Snot] I knew your dad. We were blood brothers. I gave him hepatitis.

Roger the Alien: [while on the phone with the police after Steve runs away from home] Officer, he's not in the house, he's not answering his phone. I'm his guardian. If anything happens to him, I'm responsible. Calm down? Calm down? Okay. He was exactly right. That was good advice.

Roger the Alien: Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it?
[drinks it]
Roger the Alien: Mmmmmm... tastes like I might die.

Roger the Alien: [When Roger and Henry are playing video games] I win.
Henry: Let's have a rematch.
Roger the Alien: Nah, let's do something else. Ooh, ooh, let's play catch with a Koosh ball.
Henry: I said I want a rematch!
Roger the Alien: Ow, you're hurting me! Let me go!
Henry: Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you.
Roger the Alien: Well, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but that's exactly what you've done because I am hurting very much so.
Henry: It's just that I hate to lose and I don't own a Koosh ball and I thought you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore!
[starts crying]
Roger the Alien: Hey, hey. Don't worry. We all make mistakes. I once took down the better part of a bottle of Amaretto and busted a growler in a museum donation box.

Roger the Alien: [after seeing Stan act] Somebody remind me to cancel my Ambien prescription.

Roger the Alien: Why? What did I ever do to make you say those incredibly hurtful things?
Stan: Are you serious?
Roger the Alien: Do I look like I'm not serious!
Francine: This is what you wanted
Roger the Alien: You stay away from me Francine! You all stay away!

Jewel: I had this boyfriend. He was in an avalanche. He survived three days on melted snow and his grandfather found him because he had a dream about the exact spot where he was trapped.
Roger the Alien: Wow! You had a boyfriend?

Roger the Alien: 3:43. Just peed myself... asparagus.

Roger: Get your whore jacket off me.

Roger the Alien: [as Chinese restaurant manager] Where you been? You so late. You take "bicyc-quow", make delivery.
Steve: What are you talking about?
Roger the Alien: Bicyc-quow!
Steve: What happened to the gym?
Roger the Alien: Oh, Chinese restaurant much more profitable.
Steve: But I paid for a month membership. I want my money back.
Roger the Alien: Oh, so sorry. You don't read fine print on contract. "In event gym turn to Chinese restaurant, you bicyc-quow delivery boy."
Steve: I'm not delivering your Chinese food on a bicycle.
Roger the Alien: A what?
Steve: A bicycle...... . a bicyc-quow.
Roger the Alien: You ride bicyc-quow!

Roger the Alien: [throughout his chase with Jeff and Hayley] Myah! Myah! Myah!

Roger the Alien: [when he meets his old family, the Logans] Why did you leave me like that?
Brad. Logan: You rented a room from us and refused to pay.
Roger the Alien: I paid you in laughter!
Jenny: We were afraid of you!
Roger the Alien: Jenny, you better shut up right now or I will cut your face.

Gertie: You tell him he's a Carpetbagger!
Roger the Alien: [Drunk] You're a Carpetbagger, Stan! Wassat?

Roger the Alien: I got the Egg Madness, y'all!

Roger the Alien: [to Jewel] l... It's not you. It's the timing, you know? I just got out of a bad relationship.
Jewel: You're lying. I'm a loser.
Roger the Alien: Don't be like that. You're not a loser. Think how pretty you make people look by contrast. That's a gift.

Roger the Alien: Sorry again about the whole cheek thing.
Stan: Nonsense, you just gave me another hole for your glory to shine through. A glory hole, in my face.

Roger the Alien: Steve, just because you have a dick, doesn't mean you have to be a dick.

Roger the Alien: [while clinging to Francine] Hugs, not drugs. That's what I say. I'm also on drugs.

Klaus: Hurry up, Roger. "Grey's Anatomy" starts in just three minutes.
Roger the Alien: Don't you think I know that? I'm trying to create a drink that matches the show in both taste and sinfulness. I call it "The Sandra Oh."
Klaus: Mmm, I'd like to breath her bathwater.

Roger the Alien: You're a bum, Qui-Lo! You think you can treat people like this because you've got everything going for you? Well, obviously you can because I'm fine with you and I'll be rooting for you in the bike race this Friday!

Roger the Alien: [when he's about to go back to his home planet] Do I have to go? My planet's freezing cold, there's no booze and sex is so boring up there. It's all consensual.

Roger the Alien: [Max Jetts, straight out of prison] Now that I've been raped by people who know what they're doing, I just want to share...

Stan: [about Cookie] How do we sober her up?
Roger the Alien: We don't. She's she is strung out, but she's a heavy user with a massive tolerance, so she might pull it together. She also might die. Either way, I'm eating dessert. I've been very good this week.

Klaus: [to Roger] You're really gonna kill five people over $20?
Roger the Alien: Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed six people over $19?

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God, Stan! How upset are you? Seriously, on a scale from one to pissed? Oh, who gives a flying fig? I'm a star!

Roger the Alien: There's only one thing I do with non-blended drinks and that's drive.

Roger the Alien: Hawaii... that's where Japan goes to play golf.

Roger the Alien: [to Jeff after he mugs him] Is that the "come back and kick me" whistle?

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God! It's happening for me. I'm almost a star. Oh! There's my cell phone. Oh, my God! It's Johnny Depp.
[pretending to talk on the phone]
Roger the Alien: Deppster! What's shaking?
Klaus: That's not a cell phone. That's a bar of soap you painted black.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, hang on, J.D. Watch it, Klaus or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20,000 leagues up your butt.

Steve: [to Roger] You slut!
Roger the Alien: I have to say, it was super relaxing being an innocent young girl for a change.
Steve: Innocent? You did it with Snot on the beach!
Roger the Alien: Yeah, I did. Got sand all up in my Jenny dress, not to mention my gopher hole. Oop, I mentioned it.

Hayley: I am a proud and evolved woman and I have nothing to be ashamed of.
[takes off her robe and poses]
Roger the Alien: Nice.
[waves at Hayley. Hayley gasps and covers herself]
Roger the Alien: Madam, please uncover yourself. Does anyone have any areola pink? I only have one tube.

Roger the Alien: P.S., everyone. There's a wedding. There's gonna be chafing dishes, a carving station and lots and lots of Jews.
Francine: I'm sorry, are you saying "juice"?
Roger the Alien: No, Jews.

Hayley: [after Stan poops in Buckle and Sharri's pool] I was in the pool when he did it. I was at Ground Zero.
Roger the Alien: Hayley, it's not okay to use that term. I was actually at Ground Zero. I was the first one on the scene selling erotic T-shirts: "Osama Bin Sexy," "Sexy Bin Laden" and "Yo Mama Bin Farting." That last one was not erotic to everybody.

Steve: [to Roger] Wait, you were trying to kill me? So this is all your fault.
Roger the Alien: Oh, yeah. Blame the alien. The cops will eat that up. Sorry, pal, you're going to jail where they're gonna take your cherry Jell-O away in the lunch line after you're raped in the shower.

Roger the Alien: Um, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take Qurchhhh upstairs and
[makes a spit sound]
Roger the Alien: all over her.

Roger the Alien: In the words of sit-coms in the early '90s and the Midwest through out the '90s, "don't go there."

Hayley: [to Roger about his disguise] Are you supposed to be pregnant or fat?
Roger the Alien: Eight months preggers. They don't make you buy the two-drink minimum when you're knocked up.