Top 100 Quotes From Hayley Smith

Hayley: [to Snot] I don't love you, okay? I'm married. Sometimes happily.

Jeff: [after Hayley wakes up screaming from a bad dream she's having] Babe, you're having a bad dream.
[Hayley breaks Jeff's arm in her sleep and he screams]
Hayley: [as she wakes up] Jeff, you're having a bad dream.
Jeff: No, I'm not. You broke my arm.

Stan: Hey, Hayley, be our line judge!
Hayley: Can't! I'm making a landing pad for when the aliens bring Jeff back.
Roger the Alien: Okay, sweetie.
[to Stan]
Roger the Alien: I'm sure by now he's been dissected for science. Or for fun. It's pretty fun.

Stanley: Time for cake.
Klaus: I get the piece with the rose on it. I called it. You heard.
Steve: Mom, cut me an end piece!
Hayley: How can you even think about eating that cake? Do you realize how many innocent cows were raped... or as you say "milked," to make that cake?
Stanley: Shut up, Hayley.

Steve: Come on, Hayley. You're going to the movies with Jeff, anyway. Just give me a ride.
Hayley: You know the rule.
Steve: [sighs] You're the most environmentally-conscious, self-actualized feminist in the world...
Hayley: And?
Steve: And I'm a douchebag.

Steve: I don't feel that hung over. Guess I can handle my alcohol better than you guys.
Hayley: Oh, yeah? Pubic hair and mayonnaise ice cream.
[Steve vomits]

Francine: [after Kelly orders drinks] Oh, no.
Kelly: That's right: Ultimate Kellys.
Hayley: What's... what's in it?
Kelly: Don't worry about it. Let's just say it's why Montel Williams has M.S.

Hayley: Listen, Reginald, I never had a chance to say I'm sorry for trying to kiss you the other night. I was drunk and stupid. It'll never happen again.
Reginald: Girl, don't even sweat it. That was the liquor talking and liquor loves talking to my cute ass.

Steve: [Steve and Hayley call Roger out on his identity fraud] Roger, we can't keep doing this.
Hayley: Yeah, I mean, it's stealing.
Roger: Oh, oh, excuse me, are you an ethicist? Are you? Is there an ethicist in the house?
Ethicist: I'm an ethicist.
Roger: Well, screw you, I'm Kevin Bacon!

Steve: [while possessed by Nemo] Mene mene tekel. Satana satana.
Hayley: Mom, Steve's acting weird again.
Francine: Steve, stop babbling at your sister in Aramaic. It's a dead language.

Roger the Alien: [after Francine destroys Roger's painting of Hayley] My art! You've destroyed my drawing of Hayley.
Steve: Hayley?
Roger the Alien: It's obvious what you have to do, Steve. You have to kill yourself.
Steve: What? Why? Nobody saw.
Roger the Alien: God saw. Everyone in heaven saw. Aunt Sadie, Great Gram-Gram, Star Trek's James Doohan...
Steve: Scotty saw?
Roger the Alien: Scotty watched the whole damn thing.
[Steve starts crying]
Hayley: You know what, Roger? This whole thing is your fault. I am gonna kick your ass!
Roger the Alien: You think you got a shot, porn star? Then bring it.
[Hayley punches Roger in the stomach]
Roger the Alien: I wasn't ready. This is how Houdini died!

Hayley: Winnah, Winnah, weed for dinnah!

Francine: Hayley, I think we need to have a little mother-daughter talk.
Hayley: Okay.
Francine: Your husband's "condition" is way out of control. Bottom line, you need to start satisfying him more, sweetie.
Hayley: But, Mom, I satisfy him all the time.
Francine: Well, then you got to do it better. Get creative, Hayley. Use your pinky.
Hayley: I'm using my pinky, Mom.
Francine: I don't think you're using your pinky.
Hayley: I told you I'm using it.
Francine: But are you really using your pinky? I don't think so!
[brings out a tub of lube]
Francine: Get. Up. In. There.

Jeff: [in the game, they have obtained an amulet to bring Steve's character back to life] What do we do with the amulet?
Hayley: It's a suppository.

Stanley: [to Hayley] What the heII do you think you're doing?
Hayley: Avery caIIed to apoIogise for what he said. We met for coffee and, weII, I know it's crazy, but I Iike him. He chaIIenges me, and he has a huge...
Stanley: Penis! I mean, HayIey. Damn, I was trying to cut you off before...
Hayley: I was gonna say ''heart'', but, weII, you shined his shoes.

Klaus: [Hayley runs naked outside] Say it! You have to say it!
Hayley: Help! Raccoons took my penis!

Hayley: So, you're a despicable CIA fascist like my father.
Jack: No, dollface, I work for the Scarlet Alliance. It's more secret, more deadly, and everyone wears a turtleneck.
Klaus: Sounds like a disco I used to frequent in Berlin. I did lines with Falco in the men's room. Greedy, greedy Falco.

Stanley: Hayley, where's your mother?
Hayley: Last time I saw her, she was in the kitchen serving up body shots.
Stanley: What a hostess.

Santa: I'm coming for you, Smiths! Hyah!
Steve: How did he find us?
Jeff: Oh. I wrote him a letter telling him where he can deliver our presents.
Stan: He's trying to kill us, you moron! You gave away our hiding spot!
Hayley: Dad, stop it. He didn't know.
Stan: He doesn't know anything! He's super dumb, Hayley. Jeff, please leave my family alone forever. Will you do me that kindness?
Hayley: Dad!
Stan: [as Jeff sadly leaves the cabin] He understood. It's a Christmas miracle.

Francine: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!
Stan: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
Hayley: It's just a nose ring.
Stan: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
Francine: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche

Hayley: [At a party] Jeff you were so good at dinner.
Jeff: Babe we're good together, which is why I was thinking you should move in with me.
Hayley: Woah it's only been three weeks and besides I don't think my dad would be too happy about that.
Jeff: Babe your dad digs me, I can tell he wants us to be together
[Two CIA agents Stan hired break into the house, stuff Hayley into a sack, and drive off with her in a helicopter]

Francine: Oh, Roger, we just love Qurchhhh.
Hayley: Uh, yeah, she's terrific. Plus, she hasn't seen The Wire and I love to turn people on to The Wire.

Hayley: Please, Ahnt Gwen.
Gwen: "AHNT"?
[in English accent]
Gwen: Get a load of her majesty.

Francine: [about Stan and Roger] I don't get it. They're friends again?
Hayley: Told ya. They just needed to fuck.

Hayley: Ya know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies can come up with a fun new system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear!
Stanley: Do you like shaving your armpits, Hayley? 'Cause when the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go!

Hayley: So how was the big night?
Roger the Alien: It was... what's the word? Shmooblydong? Is that a word?

Hayley: I got ninja-darted in the neck and while I was in the void between this world and the next, an overwhelming realization washed over me that Jeff is gone and I accept that now.
Stan: Great!
Hayley: I also accept that you two jerks are the reason he was abducted in the first place. And now, I'm taking your shuttlecock.
[takes the shuttlecock away and leaves]
Roger the Alien: She'll be back.
Stan: Roger, I think you're in denial.
Roger the Alien: No, I'm not.
[angrily]
Roger the Alien: I hate you! I've always hated you!
[nervously]
Roger the Alien: If she brings back the shuttlecock, I'll feed the needy, I swear.
[about to cry]
Roger the Alien: Oh, God, I don't think I can face this. I don't want to be around people.
[sighs and calms down]
Roger the Alien: You know what? It is what it is.
Stan: Roger, you just went through the five stages of grief!
Roger the Alien: But my species has six stages.
[kicks Stan in the groin, causing him to fall down in pain]
Stan: Was that the sixth stage?
Roger the Alien: [smiles] Nope.

Arboreus: If this mall expansion goes through, hundreds of trees will be slaughtered. Now, we have a plan. But to prove you're dedicated to our cause, you must first make out with tree.
Hayley: Wait, you want to make out with me?
Hayley: ME? No, I got a redwood in Canada.
[holds up bonsai tree]
Hayley: But my friend here thinks you're really cute.
[Hayley awkward stares at Arboreus]
Hayley: What's wrong? Is it because he's Asian?

Hayley: [about the mall] What kind of idiot would buy into this materialistic crap?
Steve: And we widen to reveal...
Stan: Look at all this cool stuff!

Hayley: I just can't flunk out of Social Studies, I just can't!
Klaus: Why not? I think you'd make a great Pharmaceuticals sales rep...

Hayley: [Speaking to Jeff] You were right to add HBO Latino Jeff. Schindler's List is much less sad when it's in Spanish.

Hayley: [after Bullock has maimed Jeff] Dad, do something!
Stanley: [to the waitress] So what, exactly is a frittata?
Hayley: Dad!
Stanley: Hey, I'm hungry. This guy rode me like an animal for three hours! Do you have any idea what that's like?
[Hayley gives him a look]
Stanley: And now I'm not hungry.

Reginald: [to Hayley] Hey, girl. Hey, girl. Hey, girl, I know you hear me.
Hayley: What?
Reginald: Easy, baby. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut except I'm a koala.

Hayley: [to Roger] Hey, what happened to being a country singer?
Roger the Alien: Oh, living the honky-tonk life was too hard. I'm doing calypso dancing now.
Hayley: I don't blame you. The woman you ran off with was a mess. Did she have a tattoo of Burt Reynolds on her stomach?
Naydern: No, she didn't. It's Victor from "The Young and the Restless."
[shows off her tattoo]

Hayley: Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes!
Steve: You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar.
Hayley: [sighs] You're the manliest man in the history of manly men.
Steve: And?
Hayley: And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity-sex with you, once.
Steve: Aww yeah!

Hayley: Plus-sized women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Häagen-Dazs.

Hayley: Oh, God, Mom. Were you ever cool?
Francine: Oh, yeah, Hayley? Well, I pity the fool who thinks I'm uncool. Get it? I was making a Dr. T reference.

Hayley: What is Dad's problem with music?
Francine: Well, music makes you feel things and your dad's a bit of an emotional tight-ass and a literal one.

Stan: What do you want, Hayley?
Hayley: I just wanted to give you a store-warming present. A bag of my mulch. It's filled with crap, just like you.
Stan: Now, that is funny enough for you to leave on.

Hayley: What do you know about Henry Kissinger?
Roger the Alien: Well, I know he was a Jew, but if you get me some Churros, I can stretch that out to 500 words easy.

Hayley: I'm going to devote my time to the Heifer Project.
Stan: No daughter of mine is going into fatty porn!

Kazim: You should not be out in the streets unescorted. Do you want to get stoned?
Hayley: Yes! Do I! It's been like forever!
Kazim: You want to be buried up to you neck in sand and have angry men throw rocks at your head?
Hayley: Ummm... no.

Hayley: Hayley I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your marriage to Jeff.
Stan: Dad, you could have said that at my wedding instead of demanding that the band play more white music.

[phone rings, Hayley answers]
Hayley: Hello?
Roger the Alien: Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
Hayley: Roger? Whoah! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences?
Roger the Alien: Oh, right, it's past noon, you're already high.

Jeff: [to Hayley] How's Yerhugeva Gina?
Hayley: Oh, Yerhugeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.

Hayley: [Stan handing Hayley new sandals] Thanks, I needed new Burks.
Stan: I know, I can smell.

Hayley: I've... done things.

Francine: Hayley, do Mommy a favor and put on something less revealing.
Hayley: There is nothing inappropriate about this outfit.
Francine: Not if you're gonna spend the weekend tinkling on Bob Guccione.

Hayley: It's a little weird that this buffet has a VIP section, right?
Stan: You wanna hear something weird? The Goodyear Blimp is the official bird of Redondo Beach, California.
Francine: Oh, you guys wanna hear something really weird? Zerp Znap Za-noodle!

Klaus: [They're communicating telepathically] Use the mental telepathy we share to take down Steve
Hayley: No, bring down Steve without our powers
Klaus: Stick in the mud bitch
Hayley: You know I can hear you
Klaus: Yeah I'm pissed

Jeff: [to Hayley as he lies in bed with her] So babe I'm just curious, I'm not really sure how you feel about us right now
Hayley: [appearing to talk to him in a childish manner] I love you, you're my best friend
Jeff: [breathes a sigh of relief] That's so great to hear, I love you too Hayls
Hayley: [pan to reveal Hayley is talking to an Anna doll from Frozen] It's so awesome you're a princess, what's that Anna, there's a stinky, hairy ogre in the room?
[turns towards Jeff]
Hayley: you and your pee-pee are gross!

Steve: Geez, Roger. You're making Kevin Bacon look like a total douche.
Hayley: Yeah, you may be beautiful on the outside like Kevin Bacon, but you're ugly on the inside like Tommy Lee Jones on the outside and the inside.

Klaus: [When Klaus and Hayley are stoned listening to music] They say if you play it backwards, you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
Hayley: Whoa. Wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?

Hayley: Hey, Roger, we have something that might cheer you up.
Roger: Don't look at me. I'm hideous! I'm a hideous monster.
Steve: Not anymore.
Roger: Rick Baker's Celebrity Nose Kit?
Steve: They're latex copies of actual celebrities noses.
Roger: [gasps] Just like porn stars do with their genitals.

Hayley: Does Jeff seem a little weird to you guys since he got back, like a little different?
Stan: Hell yeah he's better!
Francine: Way better, if I were you Hayley I'd lock that down!
Hayley: Mom we're already married
Francine: I mean lock it down for real, rings catch girls
[rubs Hayley's belly]
Francine: babies trap boys
[Hayley looks disturbed]

Roger the Alien: You worthless piece of *bleep*.
Hayley: Excuse me?
Roger the Alien: Excuse you? For eating the rest of my potato bread? I made that myself and you know I didn't.

Hayley: Steve, are you sure you want to have this child?
Steve: Yeah, I guess so. Roger, what do you say? You ready, partner?
Roger: [slurred] Oh, yeah. Fatherhood. Jazzed. It's not Iike I wanted to do anything with my life, like Iearn to surf or go to JerusaIem.
Steve: Are you drunk?
Roger: Get used to it!
[slams the door]

Hayley: [to Stan] Come on, let Mom have some fun once in a while.
Stan: Why don't you ever take my side?
Hayley: Because your side is always wrong.
Stan: Your side is always wrong.

Roger the Alien: Hey, Hayley-kins, want to play Jenga?
Hayley: That game's kind of lame. Unless you want to make it a little more interesting.
Roger the Alien: Uh... no thanks.
Hayley: I thought you loved to gamble.
Roger the Alien: Oh, is that what that means? Oh, I thought you were hitting on me. No, sure, yeah, let's play.

Roger: Alexa, what's left on my schedule for today?
Klaus: You have a 3:15 as traveling nurse DeAndre Comadendo.. Then after that...
Hayley: [recognizing the voice] Klaus? Did you hollow out Roger's Echo?
Klaus: [denying] No way! I'm not Klaus. It's me, Alexa, bro!
Hayley: [skeptical] Alexa, who was the fourth emperor of the Ming Dynasty?
Klaus: Um... Chickety-China, the... Chinese chicken?
Hayley: Hmm... That could be right.

Hayley: Jeff, you have mayo on your back.

Hayley: [to Stan] How's Tanqueray doing? Is she a dry cleaning mogul? Is she getting "a de-luxe apartment in the sky"?
Stan: I don't know if that's funny enough for you to leave on!

Stan: Hayley, I just want you to know, everything I did, I did because I wanted to make you happy.
Hayley: I am happy, Dad. I'm not just gaining a husband. I'm losing a father.

Paco: Hayley, I'm here because of your father. He said I was spending too much time with you and not focusing on my career. He said I was spending too much time with you and not focusing enough on my career, so I must break up with you.
Hayley: What? No! I let you give me a mole frijole. That's the most intimate thing a white woman can give a Mexican man.

Hayley: Wait, I recognize you. You're that amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!
Karl: [flattered] Thank you.

Stan: I might just make a holiday yet. Then I'll have kiss-my-ass money.
Hayley: This is outrageous.
Stan: Kiss my ass, Hayley!

Steve: Uh, Mom? Dad? I think I'm pregnant.
[lifts up his shirt to show his pregnant stomach]
Hayley: You can't be pregnant! You're a virgin... and a boy!
Steve: Tell that to my swollen ankles and tender nipples!

Stan: [to Hayley] You can't go out dressed like that.
Hayley: Don't worry. I'll be taking it off at art class where I'll be posing nude.
Stan: You'll do nothing of the sort.
Hayley: I'm late. Can we just cut to the key yelling points?
Stan: Fine. I forbid it. Not while you're under my roof. I didn't raise a hussy.
Hayley: It's my right as a woman. Nudity empowers me. There's nothing sinful about the female form. We done?
Stan: Yeah, we're done.

[Stan is about to shoot Roger; Francine, Hayley and Steve stand in the way]
Stanley: Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all!
Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Hayley: Yea, watching Rick compared to Todd did give me a brief tingle in my downtown tinsel town.

Hayley: [to Stan about her swimsuit] Dad, I'm sweating like a pig in this thing. It's humiliating.
Stan: Not to me. And show some respect. Your grandmother drowned in that bathing suit.

Hayley: Can't we just go home?
Stan: If you can go back in time, have you smoked that much weed Hayley? If you see me back there, tell me don't jump in the pool! Don't jump in the pool!

Hayley: Stomp the premsses! I got a hot scoomp!

Francine: [after spotting a customer leaving Sub Hub and getting into his car] Meat thief! Meat thief!
Hayley: This is my Big chance to make a bust!
[Man reverses away]
Hayley: We gotta tail him!
Francine: To the meat mobile!
[Hayley dives into the driver's seat, Francine jumps and slides along the hood but tears her dress off on the wing mirror, leaving her in her underwear]
Francine: Goddamn Witches, Man...

Hayley: After we ran out of money, Jeff suggested that we prostitute ourselves. At first, Jeff was saying he was only going to do women, but then... that wasn't working out. So, long short story, Jeff's on butt rest, and we moved to the desert.

Hayley: [to Jeff about Francine] If you even look at her, I'll pour this hot coffee down your pants, pervert.
Jeff: Yeah, well, it'll be the first time you got me hot in a while, Frisbee whore.

Steve: I lost Roger, Hayley. I was wrapped up in my science project and I yelled at him, and I drove him into the arms of a kid who beats him!
Hayley: Oh. I just thought you got like a boner in gym class or something.
Steve: I don't know what to do. Why does he stay, Hayley? Why does he stay?
Hayley: Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.
Jeff: [as he peaks out of the pantry] Can I come out of the pantry now, babe?
Hayley: I said I'll get you when I'm ready!
[throws something at the pantry; Jeff goes back inside]

Hayley: Roger, your lecture today was just ideological nonsense.
Roger the Alien: Oh, really? You've just earned yourself a week of detention!
Hayley: There's no detention in college.
Roger the Alien: Oh, right. Well, then I'm taking 50 points from Gryffindor!

Steve: Maybe next Christmas no-one will die.
Hayley: Yeah, right!

Dr. Heisler: [pointing to x-ray] See? The second bullet passed through your neck and pushed the first bullet out. You should be completely ambulatory again.
Stanley: [distraught] What good is that to a man who has to spend the rest of his life in a chair?
[stabs Stan in the leg with a fork]
Stanley: Aaaaaah! Doc, your fork has magical powers!
Dr. Heisler: It's the bullet that saved you.
Stanley: This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!
Hayley: What?
Stanley: Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!

Avery: It is time we Feast! Take them!
Various: It's the 200!
Roger the Alien: Nonsense, they don't exist! I made them up! Wha...?
Hayley: 200 Rogers!
Roger the Alien: 200 mes?

Stan: [Hayley changes her mind about eating Becky] Hayley!
Hayley: This won't be a problem. I've eaten macrobiotic burritos, I can do this.

Francine: Hayley, what are we gonna do about your dad? He's really obsessed with this band.
Hayley: [after getting trapped in the pool by Stan] Didn't you hear me, Mom? I've been screaming "help" for an hour. Thank God the pool guy came.

Hayley,8490: [Last line of episode to Gross Oyster Guy] Suck our Butts!
[both punch him]

Hayley: It's not my fault the job market sucks. I didn't vote for Bush.

Jeff: Ah, the source of my power.
Hayley: Whoa, are you're full demon now?
Jeff: I was forged in this spicy habenaro mango infused cason. The first element of all God's creation.

Hayley: [Stan shoots up the toaster the second it pops up] It's just toast, Dad.
Stanley: This time it was toast, Haley. THIS time.

Hayley: If the whoIe CIA is at this carnivaI, who's out there undermining democracy?
Stanley: The FBI pulls a double shift.

Roger the Alien: [about a country musician that plays at his bar] I... I don't understand it. They play three chords and whine about their lives, and the crowd goes nuts.
Hayley: You gotta listen to the words. Country music comes from the heart.
Roger the Alien: It comes from the ass. Right in the middle of the ass.

Hayley: You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control.
Stanley: You know what I have to say to that?
[pauses]
Stanley: Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.

Hayley: Oh right, star trek wars. Pew, pew pew.

Hayley: Bye, dad. We're going to see the new Michael Moore documentary.
Stan: Michael Moore... ? Oh, you mean Michael Bin Laden.

Hayley: [after Jeff gets sent to space instead of Roger] What the hell just happened? My Jeff. My dear, sweet...
Roger the Alien: Hurry up, Hayley. You're sitting in the middle.

Stanley: [to Roger] You knocked up my boy?
Roger: I warned you I was going through my reproductive cycIe. Oh, and FYI, honey, Steve came onto me.
Stanley: [to Hayley] How couId you do this to me? This is what happens when you give it up for free.
Hayley: Why are you yelling at me?
Stanley: I figured you'd be in this situation, so that's what I prepared for!

Hayley: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stanley: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other. Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Hayley: [exasperated] That's too high of a money!
Hayley: [suspicious look] This is an expensive gym where people have good butts.

Hayley: What's wrong with you? You look horrible.
Klaus: I've had this flu for like two weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...
Hayley: I was talking to Steve.
Klaus: Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!

Roger the Alien: I need a drink. Where's the booze?
Hayley: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Roger the Alien: [pause] Seriously, where's the booze?

Hayley: [to Stan] Overweight people have enough problems being disgusting without you making fun of them.

Stan: [after Jeff finds out that Roger is an alien] And now that you know, to protect this family, I have to kill either you or Roger.
Hayley: Dad, no! I love him!
Roger the Alien: Thank you. The feeling's not mutual, I find you a little doughy, but...
Hayley: Not you! Jeff!