Top 20 Quotes From Principal Lewis

Principal: Hey, can I get another one of those Stephen Hawking pills where my mind's working but my body ain't? Maybe I'll write a book while I'm out. Call it "A Brief History of Fine". Be about Diana Ross. Yeah...
Jeff: Here, take the whole bottle.
Principal: Great, see you all in twelve hours.
[eats pills and collapses]
Principal: Fire up the cloud car, Lando - I'm coming to visit!

Principal: Hey, Steve, I'm just telling a few people, I'm making belt buckles now if you want to buy one. Check it out.
[shows Steve one of his belt buckles]
Principal: He's got red eyes from smoking weed.
Steve: I really can't believe you're an educator, Brian.
Principal: My job's mostly administrative.

Principal: Snot, you're Jewish; you'll be in charge of the money. Steve, you'll be in charge of watching Snot because I don't trust Jews. Come on, let's go play some blackjack!
Snot: Now? But we have geometry class.
Principal: I'll write you a note.
[writing]
Principal: "Dear Math Bitch, These kids ain't showing up. Love, your main man. P.S. One plus one equals the two of us. Plus one more would be nice though. Maybe Jill from the cafeteria. Or your sister Lisa - you know, when she's legal."

Principal: Suicide, bitch! Canyon style!

Principal: Spaghetti and meatballs. Gotta love my peeps!
Steve: Wait, Principal Lewis, Italian food is part of your culture?
Principal: What *should* I be eating, Steve? What should a man with *my* physical attributes be eating? Something from a different part of the world, perhaps? A certain continent? Should I be wearing a different kind of clothing while eating it? Enlighten me, Steve! What should I be eating?
Steve: [thinking on his feet] Uh... Deez nuts?
Principal: Your silver tongue has gotten you out of yet another scrape, Smith.

Stanley: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years.
[starts chugging down pills]
Principal: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stanley: I see.
[foam starts coming out of his mouth]
Stanley: Henry, antidote.

Hazmat: I got a tear in my suit! I've been exposed!
Principal: Don't touch me! No reason we both got to die!

Principal: I'm afraid we've got some chocolate in our peanut butter!

Principal: [sees Liqour bottles in the hallway, set up by Steve to frame Roger] Oh, God, did I slip up? Wait a minute. Vodka? Whiskey? These aren't mine. I'm a rum man. But let's see who did slip up... Hmm.
[finds bottle of Rum on the ground]
Principal: Ahh! Yeah!
[sips, slams bottle on floor, shattering it]
Principal: *Rum'*s the only thing that gets *my* engine going!
[imitates vehicle]
Principal: Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum! Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum! Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum!
[imitates brakes screeching when he reaches Roger's classroom]
Principal: Oh, this is bad. Looks like Harvard's got a habit.
[rifles through drawer finding another rum bottle]
Principal: Jackpot! Hmm. We can't have a drunk teacher around here.
[swigs]
Principal: But a perfectly buzzed principal's good for *everybody*!

Steve: [after seeing a dog on the street] Sandy!
Chris the Bum: His name is Ronald! You trying to rename my dog? This guy's trying to rename my dog!

Principal: [standing on the roof of a building during a hurricane, wearing speedos and firing two machine guns into the sky] End of days, bitches!

Principal: [Reviewing CCTV tapes and watching the Janitor morph into a werewolf] Oh, Shit!

Principal: Yep, looks like the pottery class is coming in. Perhaps we should relocate as I am not legally permitted to be within 100 feet of the instructor, or more specifically, her sugary sweet ass.

Principal: [Realizing he just broadcasted of him talking about sex with minors] Oh fuck me.

Stan: We're too late.
[sinks to his knees]
Principal: *I'm* right on time!
[cuts off Greg's remaining leg]
Greg: Aaah! You Big Black Bitch!

Steve: Principal Lewis. Thank God, we're saved.
Principal: Sorry, Smith. I've ordered my administration to turn a blind eye to these proceedings.
Janet: Thanks, Daddy.
Steve: Janet's your daughter? How come you never mentioned this before?
Principal: Because I'm ashamed of her for more reasons than you can imagine. Still, that's my little girl, man.

Principal: Clara, did you you roll your god-dang eyes at him? Woman, I will make you teach summer school. I will steal your summer.

Principal: Class, this is Phyllis. She just moved here from Hoboken. I'd like you all to give her a warm welcome. Now, I'm not referring to the sexual position, the warm welcome of which I am the inventor. The basic nature of the move is... Oh, never mind. Y'all ain't long enough.

Principal: Two households, both alike in dignity. In fair Langley where we lay our scene. Shakespeare, bitches!

Principal: Aww hell, I can't stay mad at you, Ricky. I'm on WAY too many anti-psychotics!