20 Best John Quotes

John: We just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off - you're ready to be a parent.

Ted: Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.
John: We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.
Ted: We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...
[Samantha takes a hit from bong]
Ted: Just take a seat and get to work.
John: Trust you completely.
Ted: We really feel you got a lot to offer.
Samantha: Sorry you don't mind the pot, do you? I get migraines.
John: Oh, absolutely. Me too.
Ted: That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.

Samantha: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.

[Unrated version only, John lists a long list of fictional last names in rapid order for Ted's last name]
John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golightly, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Ted: Clubber Lang!
John: FUCKING...
Ted: Hahaha!

Samantha: Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?
John: Judy Bloome?
Ted: Hitler?
Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John: Who's that?
Samantha: The author.
John: Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?
Samantha: [Sam is confused] What?
Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John: Yeah.
Samantha: No, that's his first name.
Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha: What? No!
John: Well, what does the F stand for?
Samantha: Francis.
Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
Samantha: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
Samantha: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.

Comic: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill.
John: FUCK!

Samantha: Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...
Comic: [interrupts] Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.
Film: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
John: Fuck!

Samantha: [Unrated version] I love New York.
John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.
[Out the car window, to a group]
Ted: Hello, Jews!
[the groups says hello back]

[Ted and John roam around the forest to pick up firewood when John notices a marijuana leaf]
John: What the hell?
[John sniffs the leaf]
John: Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.
[Ted turns around and is amazed by what he sees while he walks towards John]
John: It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of that stuff doing outin the middle of a...
[Ted grabs John's head and has him look to the right. John gets up and is astonished by the sight of marijuana crops in front of him]
John: Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
Ted: So beautiful!
[sobs]
Ted: It's so beautiful!
Samantha: No words. No words. They should've sent a poet.
Ted: They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.

[from trailer]
Samantha: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha: Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha: You know, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.

Ted: What the fuck!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?
Ted: There's so much porn!
John: What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?
Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!
Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counterclockwise Rimjob"?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"!
John: Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No, you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Comic: You people are monsters.
John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!

Ted: What's your middle name?
Samantha: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

[Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]
Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?
John: [texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.
Ted: God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?
John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.
John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
Ted: Oh, fuck you.

Ted: That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."
John: Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

John: [to Tom Brady] You're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.

Samantha: [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?
John: Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.
Ted: It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.
Samantha: Any specifics?
John: A lot of people died.
Ted: Too many, if you ask me.
Samantha: Where did it take place?
John: All over the world.
Ted: Thus, World War I.
John: And that was the first one.
Ted: Of many.
Samantha: You guys need to get fucking educated!

John: You piece of shit. Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? Huh, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?
Donny: You don't deserve him, John. You never did. YOU NEVER DID!
John: I've been wanting to do this for a long time.
Ted: Aha! I fucking knew it!

Shep: Where did they get him?
[Ted]
John: [Mutters] Child-World Toy Store.
Shep: I'm sorry I couldn't hear that, could you repeat that please?
John: Child-World Toy Store, you fuckin' heard me!

[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]
John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.