20 Best John Carroll Lynch Quotes

Mac: [Giving Kroc his first tour of McDonald's] Speed. That's the name of the game. The first stop for every McDonald's hamburger is the grill. Manned by two cooks, whose sole job it is to cook those all-beef beauties to perfection. Meanwhile, as the patty cooks, our dressers get the buns ready. Watch out. Burger crossing!
McDonald's: Burger crossing!
Mac: Every McDonald's burger has two pickles, a pinch of onions, and a precise shot of ketchup and mustard.
Ray: [Points to the ketchup and mustard despensers] Now, where did you get those?
Mac: We made them.
Ray: Made them?
Mac: Yes, custom-built. The whole kitchen is. Next, this is the finishing station where we put the whole thing together. And...
[Leads Ray to the end of the line, holding up a wrapped hamburger]
Mac: Voila! A fresh, delicious burger from grill to counter in 30 seconds.

Dan: Look, things are unstable right now. After D.C., people are afraid. I think that if we lay low for a little while, as a department, things can settle out.
Emily: So you thought it was time to hide the dykes.

Walt: [Walt is trying to "man" up Thao] Now go out and talk to him, and it ain't rocket science for Christ's sake.
Thao: Yeah, but I don't have a job, a car, or a girlfriend.
Barber: Jesus. I shoulda blown his head off when I had the chance.
Walt: Yeah. Maybe so.

Mac: This is not your company, Ray!

Barber: There. You finally look like a human being again. You shouldn't wait so long between hair cuts, you cheap son of a bitch.
Walt: Yeah. I'm surprised you're still around. I was always hoping you'd die off and they got someone in here that knew what the hell they were doing. Instead, you're just hanging around like the doo-wop dago you are.
Barber: That'll be ten bucks, Walt.
Walt: Ten bucks? Jesus Christ, Marty. What are you, half Jew or somethin'? You keep raising the damn prices all the time.
Barber: It's been ten bucks for the last five years, you hard-nosed Polack son of a bitch.
Walt: Yeah, well keep the change.
Barber: See you in three weeks, prick.
Walt: Not if I see you first, dipshit.

Dan: More lab time - this is exciting!
Emily: What the hell, Dan?
Dan: This... is an opportunity.
Emily: You're pulling me from the classroom.
Dan: You should think of this as an opportunity.
Emily: As opposed to what it is. What is it?
Dan: It's caution. It's an overabundance of caution, I'm sure.

Arthur: I am not the Zodiac. And if I was, I certainly wouldn't tell you.

Twisty the Clown: I was the special children's clown to Rusty Westchester's Traveling Carnival. I made 'em laugh. I love the children. But not the freaks.

Twisty the Clown: I'm a good clown.

Ray: While you two boys were content to sit back and become a couple of also-rans... I wanna take the future. I wanna win. And you don't get there by being some "aw shucks" guy sap. There's no place in business for people like that. Business is war. It's dog eat dog, rat eat rat. If my competitor were drowning, I'd walk over and put a hose right in his mouth. Can you say the same?
Mac: [pause] I can't. Nor would I want to.
Ray: Hence, your single location.
Mac: We want you out of this company, Ray.
Ray: Mac, how do you propose we do that?
Mac: We will sue you, whatever it takes.
Ray: And you'd probably win. But you can't afford to sue me. I'd bury you in court costs alone. Mac, I'm the president and C.E.O. of a major corporation with land holdings in 17 states... You run a burger stand in the desert. I'm national. You're fucking local.
[Mac collapses]

Arthur: Can I help you?
Robert: No.

Dick: A hothead like that, you don't know what he's capable of.
Mac: It's all bluster, Dick. His bark is worse than his bite.
Dick: That's what Neville Chamberlain said.

Walt: Now you just gotta learn how guys talk. You just listen to the way Martin and I banter it back and forth. You OK? You're ready?
Thao: Sir!
Walt: Alright let's go in...
Barber: Perfect! A Polak and AND a Chink!
Walt: How ya doing Martin, you crazy Italian prick?
Barber: Walts! You cheap bastard! I should have known you'd come in, I was having such a pleasant day!
Walt: What'd you do? You ruse some poor blind guy out of his money? Gave him the wrong change?
Barber: Who's the Nip?
Walt: Ohh... He's a pussy kid from next door. I'm trying to man him up a little bit... You see kid, now that's how guys talk to one another.
Thao: They do?
Barber: What, you got shit on your ribs?
Walt: Now you go out and come back in and talk to him like a man, like a REAL man. Come on! Get your ass outta here! Come on back now.
[to Martin]
Walt: Sorry about this.
Thao: What's up ya old Italian prick?
Barber: [pointing rifle at Thao] Get out of my shop before I blow your head off, you goddamn dick sucker! Go!
Walt: Jezus Christ, Holy Shit! Hehe. Take it easy, take it easy!
[to Thao]
Walt: What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind?
Thao: But that's what you said. That's what you said men say.
Walt: You don't just come in and insult the man in his own shop! You just don't do that. What happens if you meet some stranger? You get the wrong one, he's gonna blow your gook head right off!
Thao: What should I have said then?
Barber: Well... why don't you start with... eeehm... Hi or Hello...
Walt: Yeah, just come in and say... eeeehm... Sir, I'd like a haircut if you have the time.
Barber: Yeah, be polite, but don't kiss ass.
Walt: In fact you could talk about a construction job you just came from and bitch about your girlfriend and your car.
Barber: eeeehm... Son of a bitch, I just got my brakes fixed and eeehmm those son of bitches really nailed me, I mean they screwed me right in the ass!
Walt: Yeah, don't swear AT the guy, just talk about people who are not in the room... eeeh... you could talk about your boss... eeeh... making you work extra time when there is bowling night.
Barber: Right, or... eeeh... my old lady bitches for two goddamn hours about how... eeeeh... they don't take expired coupons at the grocery stores. And the minute I turn on the fucking game, she starts crying how we never talk!

Franklin: [Frasier is watching Diane's play, where he is portrayed as a pleasant pushover] Could we just stop for a second? This whole getting-left-at-the-altar thing-I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling.
Frasier: *I* may be able to illuminate that for you!
[gets up and storms onstage]
Frasier: What you are feeling is that this woman has reached into your chest, plucked out your heart, and thrown it to her hell-hounds for a chew toy! And it's not the last time either! Because that's what this woman is! She is the devil! There's no use running away from her, because no matter how far you go, no matter how many years you let pass, you will never be completely out of reach of those bony fingers! So, drink hearty, Franklin, and laugh! Because you have made a pact with Beelzebub! And her name is Mary Ann!

[Donny and Jessup leave the Hasbro panel with an unconscious Ted]
Donny: Come on, there's an empty supply room downstairs.
Tom: Is that him?
Donny: Uh, yeah, there was an issue, so he's unconscious now. This is him.
Tom: Jesus! Why did you bring him here?
Donny: Well, I've been following him around since yesterday. This was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast.
[Guy and Rick appear behind them]
Guy: Hey, Ted!
[Donny and Jessup turn around]
Guy: Is that you?
Donny: Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a, in a stroller, so we're gonna take him back and sober him up.
Guy: [pointing at them] Ah, rock on, Ted.
Donny: [pointing back] Eff yeah.
[Donny and Jessup proceed down the hallway]
Rick: Hey guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.
[Guy trips a Starfleet Redshirt cosplayer]
Guy: Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man.

Arthur: Oh. "The Most Dangerous Game."
Inspector: What?
Arthur: "The Most Dangerous Game." That's why you're here isn't it? It was my favorite book in high school. It's about this man who waits for these people to get shipwrecked on this island. Because he was tired of hunting animals, he hunted the people for the challenge.
Dave: And man is the most dangerous animal of all?
Arthur: That's the whole point of the story.

Mac: Dick. We will never beat him. We will never be rid of him.

John: I mean, just because you got 30 bodies buried in your crawl space don't mean you can't have a really terrific rec room and be a respectable businessman.

Walton: [to Sean posing as Troy] You are now the property of Erewhon Prison. A citizen of nowhere. The Geneva Convention is void here; Amnesty International doesn't know we exist. When I say your ass belongs to me, I mean exactly that.

Ray: Let me explain something to you, Dick... You boys have full say over what goes on inside the restaurants. But outside, above, below... your authority stops at the door. And at the floor. All right?
Mac: What is he saying?
Dick: He's buying the land.
Mac: Our land?