The Best Samantha Quotes

Samantha: [Unrated version] I love New York.
John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.
[Out the car window, to a group]
Ted: Hello, Jews!
[the groups says hello back]

Samantha: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.

Samantha: [almost hits 3 Star Wars fans who were on their way to Comic-Con with her car]
Obi: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Stormtrooper: Whoa! Whoa!
Samantha: Jesus! Watch where you're going!
Stormtrooper: It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right way!
John: Yeah.
Ted: Whoa!
John: Whoa! Hey, what the hell you doing walking around, dressed like Star Wars?
Obi: It's Comic-Con you idiot. We're going to the Javits Center.
John: Well you're the idiots, because you three guys would never be walking together!
Ted: Yeah, you're HIS boss, and you two guys are enemies!
Samantha: Yeah, bite me Captain Kirk!
John: Hey hey, whoa now come on, no, that's Star Trek!
Ted: No, that's two different franchises
John: Yeah, sorry guys, she doesn't know.
Stormtrooper: Nah, it's okay. Sorry you have to deal with that. Let's go.
[Star Wars fans continue their walk to Comic-Con but then the guy in the Darth Vader outfit tries to use the force on them]
Obi: No, hey come on, it's not worth it man. It's not worth it.

Ted: What's your middle name?
Samantha: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

Ted: Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.
John: We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.
Ted: We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...
[Samantha takes a hit from bong]
Ted: Just take a seat and get to work.
John: Trust you completely.
Ted: We really feel you got a lot to offer.
Samantha: Sorry you don't mind the pot, do you? I get migraines.
John: Oh, absolutely. Me too.
Ted: That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.

Judge: Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.
Ted: Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!
Samantha: Ted, shut up!
Ted: Fine!
[Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]

Samantha: Ted, do you love your wife?
Shep: Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.
Samantha: I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
Ted: I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.

Samantha: Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...
Comic: [interrupts] Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.
Film: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
John: Fuck!

[Ted and John roam around the forest to pick up firewood when John notices a marijuana leaf]
John: What the hell?
[John sniffs the leaf]
John: Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.
[Ted turns around and is amazed by what he sees while he walks towards John]
John: It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of that stuff doing outin the middle of a...
[Ted grabs John's head and has him look to the right. John gets up and is astonished by the sight of marijuana crops in front of him]
John: Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
Ted: So beautiful!
[sobs]
Ted: It's so beautiful!
Samantha: No words. No words. They should've sent a poet.
Ted: They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.

Samantha: Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?
John: Judy Bloome?
Ted: Hitler?
Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John: Who's that?
Samantha: The author.
John: Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?
Samantha: [Sam is confused] What?
Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John: Yeah.
Samantha: No, that's his first name.
Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha: What? No!
John: Well, what does the F stand for?
Samantha: Francis.
Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
Samantha: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
Samantha: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.

[from trailer]
Samantha: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha: Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha: You know, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.

Ted: Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
John: No, she wasn't.
Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha: What are the "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

[Samantha smokes weed on a penis-shaped bong]
John: Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted: Yeah, Sam. This, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we wanna get high too.
John: I don't have any papers or nothing.
Samantha: Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.
[giggles]
Samantha: It's so stupid. Here, try it.
John: Uh, no.
Samantha: Why?
John: I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
Samantha: Oh, you think this is big?
Ted: [laughing] Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.

Samantha: [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?
John: Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.
Ted: It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.
Samantha: Any specifics?
John: A lot of people died.
Ted: Too many, if you ask me.
Samantha: Where did it take place?
John: All over the world.
Ted: Thus, World War I.
John: And that was the first one.
Ted: Of many.
Samantha: You guys need to get fucking educated!

Ted: That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."
John: Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."