250 Best Raymond Bailey Quotes

Jane: Now, Chief, in all fairness to the employees, you do not display much holiday spirit.
Milburn: What do they want from me? I gave them half a day off on Christmas!

Milburn: You've been completely exonerated.
Jed: Well, we was at first, but we's cooled off now.

Milburn: One week, we could have painted nursery rhymes like: Pussycat pussycat, where have you went? To the Commerce Bank for 5%.

Jed: I know yer a city feller, but dressin' a hog is a lot different than dressin' a person.
Milburn: You can say that again. It took me half an hour to get his pants on.

Jane: Carol Bennett's up there.
Milburn: Who's she?
Jane: A new girl, a nightclub singer. It is my opinion that she took a job here only to get a line on your biggest depositors.
Milburn: Jed Clampett!
Jane: Precisely.
Milburn: Well, why did you hire her?
Jane: I didn't.
Milburn: Well, I should have screened her.
Jane: You did.
Milburn: What did I say?
Jane: "Wow"

Milburn: [to Dash Riprock, sternly] Now you try any of these shenanigans with Miss Clampett and your next picture will be shot at the police station.

Milburn: [astonished at the Clampett's shooting abilities] I have never seen such marksmanship! Why, with any one of you as my teammate I can win tomorrow!
Jethro: I'll shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Daisy: *I'll* shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Milburn: Well thank you, but you see, my teammate has to be someone who works at the bank. And since Mr. Clampett here just happens to be my vice president...
Jed: Shore was a stroke'a luck fer me to git that job just in time to shoot with ya!
Jane: [dripping with sarcastic cynicism] *Almost* as if it were planned.
[Drysdale gets pained look on face]

Milburn: I've got some brilliant stuff here. Listen to this: Peter Peter pumpkin eater/ Had a wife but couldn't keep her/Got a loan from Uncle Milby/Now they always happy will be.

Milburn: I would like to say that I know Mr. Arthur Pinckney to be a man of good character. And I will vouch for him.
Jane: I, too, know Arthur Pinckney, and he is a man of unimpeachable integrity, impeccable demeanor, and irrefutable probity. Thank you.
Jed: Well that's one fer and one against.

Milburn: You see, here in the city, things move at a faster pace than you're used to back in the hills. Back there, if you liked someone, you'd probably invite them to take a walk on Sunday afternoon, shoot them a rabbit or something, but out here, you have to shower them with gifts and attention. Now in addition to the flowers and candy, I've taken the liberty of picking these out for you.
[shows him some jewelry]
Jed: Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: And some perfume.
Jed: Mr Drysdale?
Milburn: Yes?
[Jed hands the gifts back]
Jed: Just shoot me a rabbit.

Milburn: Mr. Clampett, that girl is a stripper!
Daisy: What's a stripper?
Milburn: Someone who takes off their clothes.
Jed: What's wrong with that?
Milburn: Well, she takes them off every night.
Jed: Well, I don't sleep in my clothes neither.

Daisy: It's been a whole year since the Drysdales set down at the table with us. We gotta put on the dog.
[Duke howls]
Milburn: Don't worry, Duke. When folks says they's puttin' on a dog, it means they's doin' things fancy.

Jane: [Mr. Drysdale wants to evict the beatniks] But chief, they have legal possession, their rent is paid, they're not disturbing the peace.
Milburn: That won't stop me. Where there's a will, there's a way and I have the will. Now you find the way.

Narda: I am Queen of Zagraks.
Milburn: I am King of Greenbacks.

Milburn: Miss Hathaway, cooks I can get by the dozen, depositors with 40 million dollars are not so easy to come by.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Milburn, those dreadful
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale,86173: Hillbillies are at it again.

Jane: Chief, I telephoned the animal shelter.
Milburn: Did they get Duke?
Jane: Yes, and Elly saw them. She followed them all the way to the shelter and proceeded to, and I quote, "beat the living daylights out of the entire staff."

Milburn: If anything happens to your plan A, I'll be ready with my Plan B.
Jane: What's that?
Milburn: You're both fired.

Milburn: How are things at the Clampetts?
Mr. Pinckney: Mr. Drysdale, sir, in my 40 years as a butler, I have served in some unique households and run athwart some bizarre families, but the Clampetts, sir, if I may use one of their own curious expressions, take the rag off the bush.
Milburn: Well now, I warned you it wouldn't exactly be smooth sailing.
Mr. Pinckney: To be precise, sir, you said you could only promise me blood, sweat, tears, and money.
Milburn: Right.
Mr. Pinckney: I've had the blood, sweat, and tears, now I should like the money.
Jane: You're leaving the Clampetts?
Mr. Pinckney: I'm leaving the country.
Milburn: But you've got to stay with them, you're our cultural beachhead!
Mr. Pinckney: Consider me another Dunkirk.

Milburn: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet/ Figuring her interest rate/Along came a spider and sat down beside her/ And said "Hey, this Commerce Bank is great!"

Elly: [referring to the van] Are Miss Jane and the Grun girls in there?
Milburn: No, they're at the bank.
Daisy: I suppose you got 'em locked up in the vault.
Milburn: No, I didn't think of it.
Daisy: What?
Milburn: No, I wouldn't think of it.

Milburn: [reading the label on Granny's medicine bottle] Fer pain. One swoller. Don't open near fire.

Jed: They're all good pictures. What are you askin' for these, Colonel Foxhole?
Colonel: Foxhall, sir. I'm asking one million dollars.
Daisy: A million dollars?
Jed: Well I ain't bought many pictures, but that does seem a mite steep.
Milburn: Mr. Clampett, if you don't meet his price, these pictures will appear on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper.
Jed: Well there's a idea, Granny. Let's wait 'til tomorrow and cut 'em outta the paper.

Dash: Mr. Drysdale, money isn't everything.
Jane: Here here.
[applauds]
Milburn: [points to the door] There there, out!

Milburn: You know, I'm responsible for bringing Robert and Elly together.
Jed: Is that a fact?
Daisy: Bless you, Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Yes, I could see immediately that theirs would be a perfect union.
Daisy: Perfect what?
Milburn: Union.
Daisy: You mean confederacy!
Milburn: I stand corrected.

Milburn: General Milburn Beauregard Nathan Bedford Stonewall Drysdale at your service.

Jane: The Clampetts will be delighted to see you.
Countess: Oh, how are they?
Milburn: Richer than ever.
Jane: I believe the countess meant Are they happy? Are they content?
Milburn: I just answered that. Richer than ever.

Milburn: Somebody broke in and took my $2000 bird. Call the police!
Jane: Well now Chief, maybe it got out and wandered off. Don't you think we should look for it first?
Milburn: Is it insured?
Jane: I'm afraid not.
Milburn: Well, then we'll look for it.

Milburn: [dictating a letter to Miss Jane] ... and furthermore, if you are late on your mortgage payment one more time you will be thrown out into the street...
Jane: Chief, she's eighty-five years old and in a wheelchair!
Milburn: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know... change that to read, you will be wheeled out into the street.

Sam: I'd be real careful what I say about Judge Johnson. There's two kinds of men he don't like, and you're both of 'em.
Milburn: I am a Beverly Hills banker.
Sam: Bingo.

Milburn: What do you mean Ransohoff is going to the Clampetts? I'll be exposed. I'll be ruined.
Jane: Chief, veritas vincit omnia.
Milburn: If that's the name of a poison, get me some.
Jane: It means: truth conquers all.

Jane: Most places do something for their employees at this time of year.
Milburn: Well, I've given them Christmas Day off.
Jane: Chief, most banks even give a holiday bonus.
Milburn: I've already thought of that.
Jane: You have?
Milburn: Just this morning I said to myself, 'Milburn, you've got to give those loyal employees of yours a Christmas bonus.'
Jane: But, Chief, that's extraordinary!
Milburn: I thought so, too. Fortunately, a cold shower brought me to my senses.

Milburn: You will be driving a horse by the name of Lightning. It can go as fast as Miss Jane's convertible.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You're joking.
Milburn: My word of honor. She was driving and that horse stayed right behind her.

Jane: These are excellent books on the subject.
Milburn: Forget it. They've got to have someone who's played the game to explain football.
Jane: I didn't realize. Where did you play?
Milburn: Michigan. Minnesota.
Jane: Really?
Milburn: Yep, there was a vacant lot on the corner of Michigan and Minnesota.

Milburn: We are very honored to have you stay with us at our home, your money... your majesty.

Jane: But you promised them that Beverly Hills would put on a fabulous Possum Festival.
Milburn: I did not! I promised them that you would put it on. Now it's up to you to see that I keep my word.
Jane: But there's nothing I can do without the official approval of the city.
Milburn: I told you how to get that, threaten them. Tell the mayor and the council that unless they cooperate, I'll move my bank and the Clampetts out of Beverly Hills.
Jane: I did.
Milburn: I'll bet that got some action.
Jane: Yes, they stood and applauded for 5 minutes.

Daisy: You heered me, Mr. city slicker banker. Jethro cyphered me to have eleven million two hunnerd and fifty thousand dollars a comin', and I want it... in cash!
Milburn: But Granny, I explained to you yesterday how the bank has invested your money and you said you'd sleep on it.
Daisy: That's what I'm gonna do. Stuff it in my mattress and sleep on it.

Howard: Steve, Steve, is your plane runnin'?
Steve: Yeah, I just got it fixed.
Howard: Let's go!
Steve: Where to?
Howard: Let's try for South America!
Mrs. Bertha Hewes: Come back here, you worm!
Milburn: Steve, go after her! Stop her!
Steve: Are you kiddin'? The Green Bay Packers couldn't stop her.
Milburn: This won't change our plans for the new airline will it?
Steve: Well, there's just one little detail. We'll have to call it Hewes Memorial Airport.
Milburn: Memorial, why?
Steve: She just caught him.

Milburn: Now remember your hippocratic oath.
Dr. Roy Clyburn: I have a few oaths for you that Hippocrates never even heard of.

Milburn: I just heard about Elly cooking. Miss Hathaway should have told you to take your meals out.
Jed: Well, I have been takin' em out and um buryin' 'em.

Jane: So he's finally marrying Elverna?
Daisy: That's right.
Milburn: When is the happy event?
Jed: Well, the happy event was yesterday, when Shorty locked hisself in your secretarial pool. The weddin's tomorrow.

Milburn: We want you to know how happy we are to have you, your handsome nephew, your lovely daughter, and your beautiful money er mother.

Daisy: The greatest speech that was ever spoke was spoked in Gettysburg by the greatest president of them all, Jefferson Davis.
Milburn: No Granny. That was Abraham Lincoln.
Daisy: That's two boners in a row for you!
Jed: Now Granny, don't get riled.
Daisy: Well he better watch his Yankee tongue.

Milburn: I'm paying you to entertain that girl and that's what you're going to do if you have to play hide-and-seek!... Oh really? Well, hang up before she finds you.

Milburn: Margaret, I don't care about the Clampett's smoke and fumes as long as they're happy and not burning $10 bills.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You megalo "money" ac. You don't care about me.

Milburn: As tough as she is, she'd make a terrific guard.
Jane: Oh Chief, not a guard for the bank.
Milburn: No, for the Los Angeles Rams.

Milburn: Mr. Clampett, what are you shooting at?
Jed: Flies.
Milburn: Flies? With a rifle?

Milburn: My first duty is to the stockholders of this bank.
Jane: But you own all the stock.
Milburn: That's right. To thine own self be true.

Agnes: Two people can have all the money in the world and still not be happy.
Milburn: I think you'd better call a psychiatrist. You're cracking up.

Homer: You're the spitting image of your father.
Milburn: You knew Dad?
Homer: Worshiped you father. He was the meanest man I ever knew.
Milburn: Oh, Dad would have loved hearing you say that.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Do I have your permission to put everything in readiness for the arrival of Mrs. Smith-Standish?
Milburn: Oh you have indeed.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Good. I'll have the Clampetts moved out immediately.
Milburn: Fine... What? Margaret, come back here!

Milburn: [to Miss Hathaway] You bring Indian here for powwow or you and me have powwow. I pow and you ow!

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, I know you been totin' a crushin' burden, but I got good news for you.
Milburn: Good news?
Jed: I'm goin' to take my $80 million outa your bank. Fetch in the wheelbarrow, Granny. Well Doggies! It worked already.
[Mr. Drysdale has passed out on the floor]
Jed: He's sure sleepin' now isn't he?
Daisy: Just like a baby.

Milburn: Where is the Bank of Bug Tussle?
Shorty: Well, believe it or not, it's in Bug Tussle.
Milburn: Well, where is Bug Tussle.
Shorty: You passed right through it on the way here.
Milburn: Impossible! In 20 miles, I passed one building.
Shorty: That's Bug Tussle.

Milburn: I wanted to explain about this priceless chandelier. It was designed and made for Louis XV, hung in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles. Napoleon Bonaparte planned campaigns by the light of that chandelier. Talleyrand used it, Wellington, Disraeli, Bismarck, Wilson
Jed: Mr. Drysdale, we're just plain folk. We don't mind a few things being second hand.

Milburn: I'm on your side.
Daisy: Good. That makes three of us.
Milburn: And we'll win! Who's the third one?
Daisy: Jethro.
Milburn: Maybe we'll win anyway.

Milburn: If you make trouble for the Clampetts, I'll be facing major surgery.
Dr. Roy Clyburn: What major surgery?
Milburn: The removal of thirty-five million from my bank!... without an anesthetic!

Jane: Right now, groups like the Beatles are all the rage.
Milburn: The who?
Jane: Beatles. They're the most popular group in the world. Why they get as much as $100,000 for one appearance.
Milburn: They do?
Jane: Yes. Last year alone, they made something like $14 million.
Milburn: Well let's get them.
Jane: For the Clampett party?
Milburn: No, for depositors

Milburn: [In Mr. Drysdale's office] Now then, type up a business expense voucher for last night's dinner conference. Uh, food, uh, $150. Beverage, $200. Entertainment, $15.
Jane: Entertainment? At a business dinner?
Milburn: Guest speaker. Gave a very interesting demonstration of the 27.5% depletion allowance benefits.
Jane: I've got to make a note of his name.
Milburn: Of course. Uh, C.D. Laverne.
Jane: Laverne, C.D.
Milburn: That's right. Now take a letter to, uh...
Janet: [the secretary opens the door] Excuse me, I'm sorry, but there's a Chickadee Laverne who *insists* on seeing Mr. Drysdale.
Jane: [surprised] Chickadee?
Milburn: You tell ol' Chick I'll call him from the club.
Chickadee: [Chickadee bursts in] Call me, nothin'! You promised me cash on the barrelhead for the show I did last night.
Jane: [incredulous] *You* are C.D. Laverne?
Chickadee: They call me 'Chickadee'.
Milburn: That was a very interesting demonstration of depletion allowance benefits, Miss Laverne.
Chickadee: Thank you.
[Turning to Miss Hathaway]
Chickadee: I do this dance where I take off everything except 27.5%.

Jed: I got good news fer you. You ain't spendin' your honeymoon in no hotel.
Edythe Brewster: I ain't?
Jed: No, you ain't.

Jane: He's gotten away so far with more than a quarter of a million dollars.
Milburn: A quarter of a million? I wonder where he banks.

Milburn: Speaking of your beautiful sophisticated city wives, how did you happen to meet them?
Earl: We were playin' an engagement in New York City and we held an audition for girl singers.
Lester: Yeah, there musta been three, four hundred girls showed up.
Earl: And Gladys and Louise stood out from the crowd.
Jane: They must have had beautiful voices.
Lester: You know somethin', Earl? We never did find out if they could sing.

Jane: If she does treat a patient, somebody is going to jail.
Milburn: Oh stop worrying. Your job will be waiting for you when you get out.

Milburn: One day it will be Drysdale National Bank.

Milburn: I'm trying to establish a rapport with him.
Daisy: If he needs a rap, use this on him.
[hands Mr. Drysdale a switch]

Countess: You know, I'm absolutely helpless without a chauffer.
Milburn: Oh, speaking of chauffeurs, how is Humphrey?
Countess: Who?
Jane: The rather elderly gentleman who was driving you last year.
Milburn: Yes, after some of Granny's tonic, you married him.
Countess: Oh of course. That Humphrey. Dear sweet man, I lost him soon after the wedding.
Milburn: Oh?
Jane: What a pity.
Countess: Yes. We were given a huge wedding reception, and I lost him in the crowd.

Milburn: And while you're at the agency, fill out an application.
Jane: I'm fired?
Milburn: Certainly not. After the agency, you go to the Clampett's, straighten everything out, make everyone happy, and then you're fired.

Jane: Chief, you'll never guess who's in my office!
Milburn: Rex Goodbody.
Jane: Rex Goodbody. How did you know?
Milburn: He told me he was coming by.
Jane: But why should he come here?
Milburn: Well, he might want to meet the most important and knowledgeable banker in Beverly Hills, or on the other hand, it could be the fifty dollars I offered him.
Jane: You offered him fifty dollars just to stop by? What's he bringing, the keys to Fort Knox?
Milburn: I did it so a fan of his could get to meet him.
Jane: Oh chief, how sweet of you, but you didn't have to do that for me.
Milburn: I know, but I did have to do it for Granny.

Dean: [Jed is asked to give an acceptance speech upon receiving his honorary degree] You have an inspirational success story for those young people.
Milburn: I think just a simple thank-you would be best.
Dean: Nonsense, we all want to hear the inspiring story of how Mr. Clampett made his fortune.
Jed: Well, I could tell 'em that. It's short. Ya see, Granny was honin' for some gopher gravy. I went down to the slough to shoot one, but just as I cut loose, that little varmint skedaddled, and oil come a oozin' outa that slough just like sorghum out of a leaky hog trough. That's how I made my fortune.
Dean: Perhaps a simple thank-you would be best.

Milburn: This lady's a friend of yours from back in the hills?
Jed: Oh no, her friends wasn't backwoods cornhuskers like us. She lives in the city.
Milburn: Oh well, maybe there is a chance. Now wait a minute, you're not talking about Bug Tussle are you?
Jed: No. Bug Tussle's a town. She lives in the city.
Milburn: Oh good! What city?
Jed: Turkey Shoot.

Milburn: We've got to get this young man married.
Jane: He does need a wife.
Milburn: Somewhere there must be the right girl for him. A girl that can take him from accounting to the Vice-Presidency of this bank.
Jane: I think I have the answer.
Milburn: Good girl.
Fred: Good bye!
Milburn: Wait. Where are you going?
Fred: Back to Kansas City. They may have some crazy little women there, but no crazy accountants.

Milburn: I have a feeling that Granny's conjure is going to get action this time.
Jed: Oh, it's got action before. I remember one time back home, it brought every fella within 5 miles a runnin'.
Milburn: Really?
Jed: Yep. She set the cabin on fire.
[Mr Drysdale thinks it's a joke and laughs until Jed gives him a stern look]
Milburn: Mr. Drysdale, that ain't very funny.

Milburn: Oh, I had a wonderful dream. I was all alone with Gina Lollobrigida.
Jane: Chief!
Milburn: And she made a half million dollar deposit.

Jed: Well I'll be doggone, a boat in a bottle.
Milburn: Yes, you see Mr. Clampett, I've been giving a lot of thought to your problem of keeping busy. Now a friend of mine had the same problem. He solved it by building this boat.
Jed: How did he get it in there?
Milburn: He built it in there, It took 3 years.
Jed: He coulda built it a lot quicker outside the bottle.
Milburn: Yes, he wanted to build it in there.
Jed: Why?
Milburn: It's his hobby.
Jed: How's he gonna get it out?
Milburn: He doesn't want to get it out.
Jed: How's he gonna sail it?
Milburn: He won't. It's just to look at.
Jed: Be easier to look at outside the bottle, wouldn't it?
Milburn: Yes but...
Jed: Seems to me he wasted a boat and a bottle.
Milburn: But think of all the absorbing hours he spent.
Jed: Yeah, he wasted them too.

Jane: [Mr. Drysdale is calling the telephone company business office] This is the home of private phones and unlisted numbers. You'll never get the Clampetts a party line.
Milburn: Don't worry. The right threat can accomplish miracles.
Jane: You're going to threaten the telephone company?
Milburn: [Mr. Drysdale hands Miss Hathaway the phone] No, I'm going to threaten you. Get them a party line or you're fired.

Milburn: Well, how are you and Elly May Clampett getting along?
Sonny: Marvelously. She's mad about me.
Milburn: Oh? How do you feel?
Sonny: The same.
Milburn: Really?
Sonny: I'm mad about me, too.

Jed: Granny has just got a powerful hankerin' for that big fat hawg of yours.
Milburn: Well I'm sorry, but she's in Boston for a week.

Jane: [looking up the exchange rate] Glotnys, yes, they're worth 4 to the dollar.
Milburn: Well that's still almost one billion dollars.
Jane: No Chief, the rate is 4 tons of Glotnys to the dollar.

Jed: I know how much you and Mr. Jenkins and these folks enjoy livin' in the castle, so here's a little something for you.
[Jed Hands Mr. Faversham a check]
John: Thank you very much indeed, sir. On behalf of us all... ten million dollars?
Jed: Well that's what Mr. Drysdale says was owed on the place.
Milburn: Mr. Drysdale knows about this?
Jed: Them stains on there is his tears.
Milburn: Goodbye old friend.
John: Goodbye, sir.
Milburn: Not you, the check.

Daisy: Jethro's gone over to their side.
Milburn: Things are starting to look up.

Jethro: Hey, you know that boat that was in the bottle?
Milburn: What do you mean, was?
Jethro: Well I got it out for ya.
Milburn: You didn't.
Jethro: Yes sir, it was easy. All I did was knock the bottom outta the bottle.

Elly: $50 million and she makes her own soap?
Milburn: They don't spend their money. Have you noticed Elly May?
Elly: Oh yes!
Milburn: Have you noticed how she runs around in those faded old blue jeans?
Elly: Yes! Tight, aren't they?
Milburn: What?
Elly: Tight. As you say, they don't spend their money.

Milburn: What's your idea of romance?
Jane: Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Venus and Adonis, Eloise and Avalon.
Milburn: Baloney! I'll bet Clampett and Carrington have got more money than all of them put together.

Gene: Why you dirty crook!
Milburn: You come out in the hall and call me that and you'll get your teeth kicked in!
Gene: Okay! Lets go.
Jane: Chief, please, he's a powerful man!
Milburn: Now don't be frightened, just get out there and kick his teeth in.
[shoves Miss Jane out the door]

Milburn: I will not finance your gambling. In fact, you should seek a cure.
Lowell: Would you like to finance that?

Milburn: I feel like a million dollars, tax free!

Jane: What precipitated the altercation?
Jed: Well uh, huh?
[Jed looks confused]
Milburn: What are they fighting about?
Jed: Oh, well, they can't seem to agree about the weather.

Jethro: Mr. Drysdale, here's your horse and buggy.
Milburn: Where's the horse?
Jethro: Oh, she give out on the way. Elly and Miss Jane are fetchin' her.
[Miss Jane drives up with Lightning riding in the back seat]

Jane: Let's put the Clampetts on a plane for home, the only place in the civilized world where Possum Day is celebrated.
Milburn: Well I'm going to change that. There must be plenty of communities around here that would jump at that opportunity. Now let's see.
[looks at the map]
Milburn: Ah, here's one, right on the coast, Possum Beach.
Jane: That's Pismo Beach.
Milburn: Maybe they'll change it.

Daisy: I see somebody stuck you with a sick hawg.
Milburn: Sick hog?
Daisy: Oh, he's in bad shape. His bristles have all fell out and his tail has come unkinked. Oh, I grant ya he looks big and fat, but that's cuz he's a wind sucker, all bloat. Take my word for it, Mr. Drysdale, that hawg is dyin of the epizootic!
Milburn: Granny, you must mean the hippopotamus.
Daisy: I mean the epizootic!

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: If Claude turns into a delinquent and starts roaming the streets with unregistered breeds, it will be your fault!
Milburn: I don't care if he goes to the park and mugs pigeons!

Jane: You were only with the Clampetts a day and a night.
Milburn: Yes, they gave you a lovely room and fed you.
Mr. Pinckney: Fed Me? Sir, have you ever partaken of the curious substances which Granny so quaintly calls "vittles"?

Milburn: Gentlemen, shake hands with Mr. Lucas Sebillion, oh!... Sebastian.

Milburn: I've fed those rotten, spoiled animals for the last time.
Fairchild: Grrr grrr.
Milburn: Hello, Fairchild. No, I wasn't talking about you, you sweet wonderful bear.
Fairchild: Grrr Grrr.
Milburn: I love you too. Would you like some din-din?

Milburn: Keep your voice down and put that corn whiskey away. If he wakes up and sees that jug, he'll go for it.
Sheriff: You mean you let that bear drink?
Milburn: Try and stop him. He's sleeping one off now and when he wakes up with a hangover, oh he's mean.
Sheriff: You've got to be crazy to be driving around with a drunken bear.
Milburn: That's nothing. But when he's driving, then it's nervous.

Milburn: Carrington, Mrs. Philip B., widow, financial rating AAA, between 23 and 24.
Jane: So young.
Milburn: What young? That's how many millions she's got.
Jane: Well how old a woman is she?
Milburn: Who cares? With that kind of money, she's in the prime of her life.

Jane: Well in that case, there's only one solution. We'll have to get someone to do the work for Granny.
Milburn: Now you're talking. Grab a scrub bucket and get over there.
Jane: Chief!
Milburn: Well you know Granny doesn't like strangers around.
Jane: Chief, I am a highly skilled executive secretary, I'm not paid to do housework.
Milburn: Yes, you're right. OK, while you're there, you'll be on half salary.

Milburn: This is Mr. Clampett, my largest depositor.
Homer: Looks like a nice fella.
Milburn: Yes he is. Strange too. Growing up he had everything going for him, poverty, ignorance, hunger. He could have been rotten to the core.
Homer: Turned out nice, huh?
Milburn: Yes, somewhere along the line, he went wrong.
Homer: Maybe he had a happy childhood.
Milburn: That can warp a man.

Milburn: Wait a minute, we still have a chance. She would never run out on a sick friend.
Jane: Chief, I could never deceive Granny with a fake illness.
Milburn: Who's talking about fake? I'm only asking you to take a mild poison or break a bone or something. Look, I could drop this on your foot.
[Jane runs away]
Milburn: Isn't your company loyalty good for one little fracture?

Milburn: [Milburn tells the Italian tailor to measure jed for a suit]
Milburn: Measure him up for a vestito nuovo
Italian: Oh si, si.
Italian: [starts measuring Jed]
Jed: Little man, if you fixin' to tie me up, that ain't enough rope and you ain't enough man.

Milburn: Let's have the wedding here in the bank.
Jane: Wedding?
Milburn: Yes, they can be married in the vault. It will be a beautiful ceremony. Do you, 50 million take this 24 million to be your lawfully wedded co-depositor?

Milburn: Wait till he reads that exciting episode where Money Man is locked in mortal combat with his arch foe, Tax Man.
Jane: Chief, Jethro has a 6th grade education. He won't read these, he's too intelligent.

Milburn: Aren't you going to give me a shot of something?
Dr. Roy Clyburn: Well if you insist. I imagine I have some brandy around somewhere.
Milburn: I mean a shot for my cold, like penicillin.
Dr. Roy Clyburn: Brandy will do you just as much good and it won't hurt.

Jane: When the other little kids played hide and seek, Little Milby started his first business.
Milburn: Every kid had a lemonade stand.
Jane: He opened a pawn shop!

Milburn: [about the Boston Strong Girl] She's going to head up my loan collection department.

Jethro: How do you like my accent?
Milburn: It's atrocious.
Jethro: No no, it's French.

Jed: Well now, ain't that handy?
Elly: What's that, Pa?
Jed: The way the road takes a bend in here and runs right by the front door.
Milburn: No, Mr. Clampett, this is your driveway.

Mr. Pinckney: This is outrageous, placing me at the mercy of a kangaroo court.
Milburn: Relax, here's a tranquilizer for you.
[hands Mr. Pinckney a check for $1000]

Foster: Mr. Drysdale, did you serve in World War II?
Milburn: Yes I did.
Foster: Which side?

John: He gave Fleming Pendleton a tip on wheat futures last week and Fleming cleaned up
Milburn: That's ridiculous.
John: It is not. I was standing right here. Fleming said, " What will I make if I buy a million bushels of wheat?" and Clampett said he'd make plenty of bread. And believe me, he did make it, $200,000.
Milburn: That was pure accident. He meant the kind of bread you eat.

Milburn: There isn't going to be any Possum Festival. I was even turned down by Death Valley.

Milburn: Send a message to my red brothers. Tell them, Milburn Drysdale, their friend, speak with straight tongue. Tell them send all black wampum my bank. We put 'em in solid steel tepee.

Milburn: You studied medicine at John Hopkins?
Jed: I can vouch for that. Granny rode a mule all the way to Timbo Arkansas just to study with John and Elviry Hopkins.

Milburn: Are you kidding? He has a bank north of Moose Jaw!

Jane: To you, this marriage is only about dollars and cents.
Milburn: No, its more than that. It's millions of dollars and millions of cents.

Milburn: [to bulldozer driver] You see that General Store that says "Big Opening". Make one.

Milburn: There it is Mr. Brewster. That's where the Clampetts are living right now.
John: What a magnificent estate!
Milburn: It's quite a change from that little cabin in the hills, eh?
John: I'll say.
Milburn: Yes, that place has got everything, championship tennis court, olympic-sized swimming pool. The main house has 32 rooms, 14 baths, and guess how many servants.
John: How many?
Milburn: None.

Milburn: Now you will proceed to the Clampett house, where you'll put Plan A into operation.
Dean: Plan A?
Milburn: Yes, a course of action so brilliantly conceived, so carefullty thought out, so absolutely foolproof that the Clampetts will never suspect that you're a paid escort.
Dean: Sounds great. I'd like to hear about it.
Milburn: And you will as soon as Miss Hathaway comes up with it.

Milburn: The army will take care of that. They'll train him, outfit him, give him three square meals a day. They'll turn him into a real fighting man.
Jed: They sure will if they cut him down to three meals a day.

Milburn: Granny's hiding in a mini skirt, I'll scare her out of it.

Secretary: Goodbye Dashy-Washy.
Dash: Goodbye Jeanie-Weanie.
Milburn: Scramsy-wamsy or you're firedsy-wiredsy.
Secretary: Yes sir.

Jane: If you would only display a little generosity: a Christmas bonus, a few gifts!
Milburn: I refuse to commercialize Christmas just to kowtow to my pampered employees.

Milburn: This happens to be great inspiring literature, the story of Harold Hart. In everyday life, a mild-mannered bank president, but when our economy is in danger, he slips into his vault and emerges as Money Man, a great American hero. Faster than a forclosure, stronger than an armored car, able to leap the national debt with a single bound.

Lowell: Well Milburn, how would you like to invest some money?
Milburn: in what?
Lowell: I have a little property in Las Vegas.
Milburn: You have property in Las Vegas?
Lowell: Yes, one of the hotels there is holding my suitcase.

Milburn: Well Miss Hathaway, I have you to blame for this mess.
Jane: Well I didn't do anything.
Milburn: I know. I did. But fortunately, I have you to blame for it.

Milburn: You got tapped in Vegas, huh?
Lowell: Murdered.

Jane: [Mr. Drysdale grabs a knife] Chief! What are you going to do?
Milburn: I'm going to stab all four of them!
Jane: No!
Milburn: Let go of me! They're not driving back to the hills!
Jane: Chief, come to your senses! You can't use that on the Clampetts!
Milburn: I don't intend to. I'm going to puncture the tires on their truck. They'll have to get some out of a catalogue. It'll take three weeks to get new ones!

Narda: Stay away. I put curse on you.
Milburn: [points to Mrs. Drysdale] I'm married to her and you're going to put a curse on me?

Daisy: Boltin' Beauregard! What happened to you? Got caught in a barbed-wire fence runnin' from the battle?
Milburn: Granny, I was executing a fast flanking maneuver.
Daisy: That's true. You got the fastest-movin' flanks I ever seen.

Milburn: Oh Mr. Clampett, good money... morning.

Jane: Chief, you're a banker, not a matchmaker. Aren't you meddling where you don't belong?
Milburn: Any place where there's a hundred million dollars floating around, I belong.

Milburn: I've got to stop them.
Jane: How?
Milburn: The engineer will stop if he sees a body lying across the tracks.
Jane: Chief, no, it's too dangerous!
Milburn: Don't be silly. I'll be standing there waving my hat and pointing to you.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: When I drove by just now, that Pearl woman screeched at me.
Milburn: She was probably yodeling.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Well, it frightened me so, I almost wrecked the car.
Milburn: She was definitely yodeling.

Bob: But sir, you're my idol.
Milburn: Well, you're pretty idle yourself. Now get back to your cage and do some work.

Milburn: J. D. Clampett thinks a market is just a place to buy "vittles".
Mr. Fleming Pendleton: Make a note of that. Vittles, common or preferred?

Jane: The fact is, we don't even know what Mrs. Carrington looks like.
Milburn: Well she's beautiful. Terrific figure.
Jane: How do you know?
Milburn: I've got her picture right here.
Jane: That is a financial report.
Milburn: Yes, isn't she lovely? And look at that cash on hand. What a figure!

Milburn: Jed and Mrs. Carrington. They're perfectly mated, 50 million and 24 million. Oh, marriages like that are made in Fort Knox.

Milburn: Lady Clementine hasn't eaten in 400 years.
Jed: 400 years?
Daisy: She'll be hungrier than Jethro.

Helen: We demand women's liberation.
Milburn: Okay, you're liberated. You can have your next meeting at the unemployment office.

Milburn: Miss Hathaway, are you responsible for the employees of this bank referring to me as Ebeneezer Scrooge?
Jane: No, why do you ask?
Milburn: When I came through the lobby just now they all chanted in unison 'Here come da Scrooge! Here come da Scrooge!

Milburn: Sonny?
Jane: Jilted Ellie May?
Jed: Well that's what we call it. He sparked her for two weeks runnin', took her drivin', dancin', held her hand, kept her out past dark. Back where we come from that's just the same as sayin' "Will ya?", provided the girl is twelve or better.

Milburn: Well what do you want?
Janet: Do we get Possum Day off?
Milburn: Get out of here!

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, did anything happen to Granny?
Milburn: I'll say. She had the winners of the 5th, 6th, and 7th races. Blew it all on the 8th.

Homer: Mr. Drysdale, there are two bandits...
Milburn: Get back to your post, you craven coward! Stand shoulder to shoulder with your comrades.
Homer: But Mr. Drysdale, they're all lying on the floor.
Milburn: What's the guard doing?
Homer: He was doing about thirty when he left.
Milburn: Then fight alone. You capture those bandits and the entire reward is yours. 5 dollars in cash.
Homer: Mr. Drysdale, they've got guns!
Milburn: Alright, I'll make it $7.50.
Homer: Mr. Drysdale, they're coming up the hall! They're heading right for this office!
Milburn: They shall not pass! Stop them, Miss Hathaway.

Milburn: Now, on your way home, if you see anything you want for Christmas, just pick it up and charge it to me.
Jethro: Hot diggety dog!
[Jethro and Elly May leave then Jethro returns carrying Janet Trego]
Jethro: Come on Uncle Jed! I done picked out my present.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, do you promise to keep it a absolute secret?
Milburn: [raises his right hand] May interest rates drop.
Jane: For him that is a sacred oath.

Jane: Chief, may I present Lt. Mark Templeton of the United States Navy.
Milburn: Are you here to open an account?
Mark: No sir.
Milburn: Make a loan?
Mark: No sir.
Milburn: Shove off, sailor.

Milburn: I know what I have to do. I'll go to the airport. I'll take Margaret in my arms. I'll look her in the eye and lie like a rug. I'll tell her the Clampetts have left town and put her back on the plane

Elly: I'm afraid I ain't learned to type yet, Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Typing isn't important. Why, your radiant beauty will enchant all who enter this office. And when that telephone rings, the caller will be charmed by the richness of your father... uh voice.

Milburn: We may never see them again or their money. That 50 million may end up in the Bank of Bugtussle. Why did you let them go?
Jane: How could I stop them?
Milburn: Throw yourself in front of the truck.

Milburn: Just pack them up and clear out.
Jethro: You keep this up and I'm gonna move to another building.
Milburn: Great!

Jane: Well I have good news and bad news. Granny says they're not coming back. They're going to stay there and get Elly May a husband. And after she's married and settled down, the whole family might stay there.
Milburn: Oh boy. Okay, what's the good news?
Jane: That was it.
Milburn: That was the good news?
Jane: Wait till you hear the bad.
Milburn: Forget it. You couldn't possible top what you just said.
Jane: Granny wants you to send them their $85 million.
Milburn: You did it.

Milburn: Jethro, just pack up your stable, your stooges, your stuff and scram!
Jethro: I'm gonna give you one more chance. Do I get my private projection room, sauna bath, and helioport?
Milburn: Never!
Jethro: I just wanna straight yes or no answer.
Milburn: It's no!
Jethro: Make up your mind.
Milburn: Oh, get out!

Milburn: Phone down, have them lock the outside doors.
Jane: But it isn't closing time.
Milburn: It will be if the Clampetts withdraw their money.

Judge: You're in contempt of court just from the way you look.
Milburn: It's not my fault. I didn't sleep a wink last night. They were building a scaffold outside my cell.
Judge: Yeah, we gonna hang that big city banker that ran off with my wife.
Milburn: Hang him? Why?
Judge: He brought her back.

Milburn: Twenty years ago on this date, I took over the presidency of the Commerce Bank. So I declared a bank holiday and all the employees have the day off.
Jed: But the bank ain't even open today. It's Saturday.
Milburn: Yes. What a shame it falls on the weekend.

Jane: After what you've done, I don't know how you manage to sleep at night.
Milburn: Very simple. I count money.

Jason: Pretty fast are you?
Milburn: Well, my secretary constantly compares me with the fastest of all animals.
Jason: The cheetah?
Milburn: That's what she calls me.

Jane: You're taking the Sea Witch tomorrow.
Milburn: I am not! You know she doesn't get along with the Clampetts.
Jane: Sea Witch is the boat you chartered.
Milburn: Oh, don't scare me like that.

Jane: Chief, what exploded?
Milburn: Granny!
Jane: She has a gun?
Milburn: She has a cannon!

Milburn: Oh, Elly May, wouldn't you like to try to hit one of the targets?
Elly: Shore would!
Milburn: Well, which gun would you like to use?
Elly: [pulls out a slingshot] Don't want no gun!
Jed: Elly May don't much cotton to firearms.
Milburn: Don't tell me she's gonna try to hit...
Elly: [sets herself, pulls back slingshot] Pull!
[launches perfect shot to shatter clay pigeon, sets arms akimbo and beams with satisfaction, Drysdale gets dejected, blank look on his face]

Jed: He had to go back to Silver Dollar City. See, with everybody gone, the population dropped down to 24.
Jane: I don't understand.
Jed: Well, he's gotta go back to get it back up to 25, so as the town can qualify for government aid.
Jane: I wish we might have said "au revoir."
Milburn: Two of the most beautiful words in our language.
Jane: Chief, "au revoir" is French.
Milburn: I was talking about "government aid."

Milburn: What a magnificent animal!
Daisy: Where? Oh, you mean Old Glue Pot, er uh Lightnin'.

Milburn: You mean to tell me you shoot flies sitting on that wall out there?
Jed: No, that wouldn't be sportin'. We get 'em on the wing.
Milburn: Impossible.
Jethro: Oh no it ain't, Mr. Drysdale. We just smear a little sorghum on the wall and get 'em when they buzz in for a landin'.
Jed: The trick is not to get a bee. You get a bee, you miss your turn.

Milburn: I suppose you might call that an inside joke.
Jed: Oh! Well, come on inside and tell it.

Milburn: Mr. Kellums, where did you get this big money?
Shorty: Took it outta my silver mine.
Milburn: You own a silver mine?
Shorty: I did. Sold out to a Syndicate.
Milburn: After you took out a fortune?
Shorty: You betcha.
Milburn: Millions?
Shorty: Couple of hundred.

Milburn: Elly May, that goat eats securities. I told you to get her out of here.
Elly: Well I did, Mr. Drysdale. I put her down in the vault and now she's sick from eatin' too much money.

Jed: Miss Jane, that was a dandy speech, but I'm afraid that I didn't cut a whole lot of meat out of it neither. I suppose you understood it, Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: Not a word.
Jane: Chief!
Milburn: Oh, I'm kidding. But I can boil her ten-minute oration down to one simple statement. You'll be paying less money to the government.

Helen: Who's Jed Clampett?
Miss: He's a funny old geezer with a torn hat and raunchy clothes who talks with a hillbilly drawl.
Jane: He has $90 million.
Milburn: Right.
Miss: He's that distinguished looking gentleman with the casual wardrobe and darling rural accent.

Jethro: [Jethro is wearing an ancient Roman uniform] She'll really go for me in this. This is what the emperor hisself wears.
Jane: Caesar?
Jethro: Not yet, but I figured to hold hands with her tonight.
Jethro: [Mr. Drysdale comes out of his office] Hail, Mr. Drysdale.
Jethro: Hail, Jethro. Hail? What's going on? What's this getup for?
Jethro: It's so I can make a hit with that beautiful Italian cook.
Jane: She'll see him as the noblest Roman of them all.
Milburn: Caesar?
Jane: Not yet, but he plans to hold hands with her tonight.
Milburn: When will I learn to stay in my own office and keep the door closed?

Jane: If you think comic books will help divert the boy, let's give him something really thrilling.
Milburn: What could be more thrilling than trying to outwit the Internal Revenue Service?

Granny: We sure would be proud to have y'all come and take Thanksgiving vittles with us.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Sonny and I wouldn't think...
Milburn: ...of passing up an invitation like that. We'll be there.

Milburn: Larry, if Indian don't attack here, Clampetts go home fight Indian. Studio close down. Chief Bald Eagle lose job.
Lawrence: I'm beginning to read your smoke signals. One Indian raid coming up!

Milburn: [Mr. Drysdale is trying to hang himself] It's too late. Don't try to change my mind. Just pull the desk out from under me.
Jane: Chief, I couldn't.
Milburn: If you feel that strongly about losing me.
[removes the noose]
Jane: No, no, it's not that. It's just that this desk is too heavy for me to pull.
Milburn: Miss Hathaway!
Jane: If you'd like to get on to this chair...

Milburn: Okay, take a memo.
Jane: Ready.
Milburn: I, Jane Hathaway, do hereby confess...

Wilkins: But they're violent people. Granny threatened me with a shotgun.
Milburn: What did you say about the South?

Jane: [reading the sign painted on the hippo] Save your pennies in a pig or save them in a cup, but bring them to the Commerce Bank or I will eat you up!
Milburn: Kids love rhymes.

Daisy: You'd like to have your hair back, wouldn't you?
Milburn: Well, not after it's been in the ground overnight. No.

Milburn: Why are you going home?
Daisy: For the Possum Festival.
Jed: You ain't forgot it's comin' on for Possum Day, have you?
Milburn: Of course not. You can celebrate it right here.
Daisy: Bah! We tried that last year.
Jed: It ain't much fun when you're the only ones celebratin'.
Daisy: We drove all over town yellin', "Happy Possum Day!"
Jed: Folks looked at us like we was hangin' off our hinges.

Jane: Actually you'll find the Clampetts to be basically fine people. All they need is a little polish.
Milburn: Polish? They need sandblasting.

Mayor: Just this past Monday, it come to light that 5 high-placed officials was guilty of mismanaging funds.
Milburn: Shocking! And who were they?
Mayor: Tax assessor, the Treasurer, Fire Chief, Police Chief, Justice of the Peace. The purpose of my coming out here was to raise money to cover their mistakes and avoid a public scandal.
Milburn: Oh that's highly commendable, but why don't you just expose them?
Mayor: I happen to hold all 5 offices.

Milburn: That's the plan for Clampett City. You'll have forty-story buildings here.
Jed: We like it the way it is.
Milburn: But you'll make millions.
Jed: I got millions.
Milburn: You'll make more millions.
Jed: I don't need 'em.
Milburn: But, surely you'll want them?
Jed: What fer?
Milburn: So you'll have them.
Jed: I got 'em.
Milburn: But you'll make more.
Jed: I don't need 'em.

Daisy: Hey Jed, this here is dandy soil.
Jed: Fine Granny, we'll commence to plowin' tomorrow.
Milburn: But this is Beverly Hills.
Jed: Dirt is dirt.

Milburn: Margaret, I've asked you not to barge in here while I'm working.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh pish tosh. What's more important than our darling getting married?
Milburn: Sonny's getting married?
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh no no no no, dear. Claude is getting married.
[Claude is her poodle]

Milburn: [Jethro shoots 4 clay pidgeons with his rifle] Fantastic feat!
Jed: Yeah, they is big alright, but they help him to stand steady.

Jane: Granny, Mr. Clampett, what a pleasant surprise.
Milburn: Welcome, welcome, we are honored by your presence.
Daisy: Was we supposed to bring presents?
Jed: I reckon so.

Milburn: How can you call those girls financial advisors?
Lowell: Well, they're not always right, but with them, even losing is a pleasure.

Milburn: And did you have to order ham? Don't you realize you violated a religious law by eating ham?
Jane: I am not of that faith.
Milburn: Join it! That stuff's expensive.

Milburn: Allow me to present you with this box of cigars.
Jed: Well thank you. What's the occasion?
Milburn: Wait till you hear. Now, listen to this: Mr. Clampett, at this moment, you have now got $90 million.
Jethro: [Jethro enters] Howdy Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Jethro
Jed: Hey, Jethro, guess what I got?
Jethro: What?
Jed: A box of cigars.

Milburn: Stop using that filthy 4-letter word!
Linda: What 4-letter word?
Milburn: Free!

Foster: Miss Hathaway's a very nice tenant.
Milburn: Are you a nice landlord?
Foster: I try to be.
Milburn: Well stop trying.

Daisy: I'd like to stay and listen to the words of the ceremony. They're so beautiful, they always make me cry.
Jane: Fine. Proceed, Chief.
Milburn: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to witness the joining together of this couple in happy wedlock. As I perform this ceremony, I am struck by the thought that getting married is like opening a joint account at the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills, where you're savings earn a full five percent and...
Jane: Alright Chief, that will do.
Milburn: But, Granny wants to hear the words. They make her cry.
Daisy: Them don't.

Dr. Roy Clyburn: I want the truth.
Milburn: What shall I do? Swear on my honor as a banker?
Dr. Roy Clyburn: No. I want the truth.

Milburn: Granny, he'll be examined by an army doctor.
Daisy: Oh no. It was one of them goobers that killed Jed's cousin!
Milburn: An army doctor?
Daisy: High-rankin' one too, General Peritonitis.

Milburn: The Clampetts think you're a real gorilla.
Herbie the Gorilla : Oh, you're gonna think so too unless you give me my dough.
Milburn: Oh no no. No no. We made a deal. And you're a professional actor.
Herbie the Gorilla : And I'm also a wood chopper, and a nursemaid to a chimp, and as soon as I get finished ironing these flour-sack drawers, that big goon, Jethro's gonna hook me up to a plow.

Mrs. Vanderpont: But this isn't Boeuf Bourguignon and Pomme au Gratin, it's...
Milburn: Grits and hog jowls.

Jane: Good morning, Chief. You're early.
Milburn: Well you know the old saying, "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man wealthy."
Jane: I believe that's "healthy, wealthy, and wise."
Milburn: "Healthy" and "wise", you can keep. I'll take "wealthy."

Milburn: Do you know what happened to the last man who admitted that to Ransohoff? He is now working at the bank at Moose Jaw, Alaska.

Milburn: Look, I've run into these international freeloaders before. The longer the name, the shorter the bank account.
Jane: But chief!
Milburn: Give me a name like Ford, Getty, Morgan, Clampett.
Jane: The countess is worth one hundred million dollars.
Milburn: Give me a name like Maria de Beauchamp Constantine...
Countess: Why am I being kept waiting?
Jane: A thousand pardons, your ladyship.
Milburn: A hundred million pardons your imperial highness.
Countess: I'm a countess, not a queen.
[Mr. Drysdale won't stop kissing her hand]
Countess: That is a hand, not an ear of corn.

Milburn: Well you have Miss Hathaway's word. Her Possum Festival is going to be just like the one back home, only bigger and better.
Jed: What do you say, Granny?
Daisy: I say lets go back home to Sibley.
Milburn: Why?
Milburn: Cuz back there, I got a good chance of bein' Possum Queen.
Milburn: You can be Possum Queen right here.
Daisy: Aaah! I can't win an election in Beverly Hills.
Milburn: Oh yes you can. Right Miss Hathaway?

Milburn: How much would you like to borrow?
Lowell: Oh I'm not asking to borrow money.
Milburn: No?
Lowell: No, I'll roll you high dice.

Jed: You've got the money, ain't you Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: Well of course, but...
Jed: Well then go ahead and give it to her.
Milburn: Well all right, I'll have a check drawn up.
Daisy: Hold it right there! I don't want no check. I want my money... cash.
Milburn: Cash?
Daisy: Cash.
Jed: We do favor cash.
Milburn: I haven't got 11 million.
Daisy: You see, I told you, he spent it!

Jane: Chief, that studio's been a Hollywood landmark. Why, movie history has been made there for fifty years.
Milburn: That's long enough. Now lets make some money there.

Milburn: You might want to make some notes on Elly's driving. Here's a handy pad for you.
Dick: These are deposit slips.

Milburn: Come on, we've got to get up there and stop them.
Jane: But Chief, a coming out party for Elly May isn't such a bad idea.
Milburn: It is when they spare no expense.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh, Miss Hathaway, I'll need you today.
Milburn: What for? A bridesmaid?
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Of course not, Milburn. I'll need her as an interpreter. You see, Mademoiselle Denise speaks almost no English.
Milburn: Very few poodles do.

Marvin: I haven't the price of a meal.
Milburn: Well just pull a rabbit out of your hat and eat it.

Jane: Sleep tight.
Milburn: I will if I drink this stuff.

Milburn: Just take a look at these coins. This collection belongs to a friend of mine. You see that dime?
Jed: Yep.
Milburn: He paid $12,000 for that.
Jed: He got slickered. A dime's only worth 10 cents.

Milburn: [Presents Jed with a gift] With my compliments.
Jed: Well doggies! Would you look at that?... What is it?
Milburn: It's a genuine imported Oriental magic music maker.
Jethro: Hot dog! A Japanese transistor radio!

Milburn: Now look, Sonny... This is ridiculous. I've been calling you Sonny ever since I married your mother. Now what is your real name?
Sonny: Adonis.
Milburn: Now look, Sonny...

Milburn: Do you know how long that stepson of mine has been going to college?
Jane: It's been quite a while.
Milburn: 19 years.
Jane: 19 years?
Milburn: And he's still a sophomore.

Milburn: Your honor, Judge Clampett.
Jed: Ah Mr. Drysdale, strictly speakin', I ain't a judge. I'm just here to see this trial is kept fair and square and to keep Granny from shootin' that rent-skippin, sign-stealin, chicken thief.

Jane: What do these critters eat?
Milburn: I've been trying to get them to eat those critters.

Milburn: [Dr. Clyburn is using a tongue depressor on Mr. Drysdale] Ahhhh
Jed: Say doctor, I bet ya he could talk a heap better if you took that stick outta his mouth.

Milburn: Margaret, if you want to lose weight, just stay home and we'll have dinner at the Clampett's every night. Now, you can't eat the food, but you won't leave hungry, because Cousin Pearl will yodel your appetite away.

Milburn: I don't care who he is, I still don't like it.
Jane: He is reputed to earn over a million dollars a year.
Milburn: A million a year?
Jane: Yes.
Milburn: I'm beginning to like it.

Milburn: With Elly in the movies, the Clampetts aren't likely to go back to the hills. And with her beauty, she might become a big star. And if she becomes a big star, she'll make a lot of money. And if she makes a lot of money, she'll put it in *my* bank.
Jane: Oh chief, is that all you're thinking of?
Milburn: Of course not, I'm thinking of Elly. Now she might meet some young men, have dates, romance, get married. She might marry a big star. And if she does, he'll put his money in *my* bank.

Daisy: Why in tarnation do you wanna shoot at a saucer like this? If you ain't careful, you'll bust 'em.
Elly: Whereabouts is the cups?
Milburn: There aren't any cups.
Daisy: See! You done busted 'em, didn't you?

Jane: I don't know which will hurt them more. Getting laughed at then or being told now they're doing everything wrong.
Milburn: You've got to tell them.
Jane: Absolutely not, I'll resign first.
Milburn: Alright, resign first, then tell them.

Jane: Chief, what is the idea of the gorilla suit?
Milburn: The law of the jungle. The survival of the fittest.
Jane: What do you mean?
Milburn: I'm looking after a bear, a mountain lion, a chimpanzee and other assorted wild animals. They fight over the food. If I don't scare 'em, I don't eat.
Jane: Well that should certainly intimidate the fiercest beast.
Milburn: Well, there's one it doesn't phase. Oh, you've never heard such vicious snarling and growling. No other animal will go near the food until it's finished feeding.
Jane: What is it?
Milburn: It's a Jethro, that's what it is!

Milburn: New York cab drivers have a reputation of being surly. Now you have the opportunity of changing that image.
Cabbie: I'm gonna change your image. How would you like your nose over here?

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, this buggy racin' is something Granny's had in her craw for 30 years now and ain't none of us gonna get no peace and quiet around here 'til she's shed of it.
Milburn: But my wife...
Jed: Now if Granny could just whomp your wife in one race, I figger she'd be satisfies and forget all about it.
Milburn: But I don't...
Jed: Your wife wouldn't mind doin' that, would she? For me?
Milburn: Mr. Clampett, she'd be delighted.

Jane: Chief, has it ever occurred to you, have you ever entertained the thought that there just might be something in this world more important than money?
Milburn: Of course. I not only entertained the thought, I mentioned it to my father. I said, 'Dad, there must be something in this world more important than money." That's when I grew the moustache.
Jane: Why a moustache?
Milburn: To hide the scar. He hit me right in the mouth.

Milburn: [about Jethro] This fine boy has a great potential. I'm proud of him. I believe in him. Oh, I only wish I had a boy just like him.
Jed: You got him.
Milburn: What?
Jed: We're gonna leave this fine boy, this great potential, with you.

Jed: You told me that the government up in Washington was hurtin' for money and deep in debt.
Milburn: Yes, but...
Jed: I can't let the government pay for Jethro when I got all them millions just layin' here in your bank.

Milburn: [finds out that Mr. Sebastian is on a diet] Take this caviar back to the store and get my hundred bucks.
Jane: But the can's been opened.
Milburn: Solder it up.

Milby: Hello Uncle Milby. I hope you don't mind my borrowing this book from your desk.
Milburn: Oh not at all, my boy. "A Sympathetic Look at Ebenezer Scrooge." That's one of my favorites.

Jane: Right, Cheap.
Milburn: That's Chief as in Indian.
Jane: That's Cheap as in skate.

Helen: [defiantly] One word from me to Mr. Clampett and your goose is cooked!
Milburn: That's blackmail! You know, you have a very unscrupulous side to you. I like that. We could work very well together.

Jethro: How 'bout some more of that white meat?
Milburn: That was my hand and keep away from it.

Milburn: It's New Year's Day. At the Rose Bowl, a hundred thousand people watching, millions more on television. Suddenly a flying saucer appears.
Jane: Flying saucer?
Milburn: It hovers over the Bowl. Every eye is turned skyward and every camera turned upon it. Suddenly, a voice booms out: "Take us to your leader, your financial leader, the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills."

Jane: By the way, where's your wife?
Milburn: At home. She couldn't make it.
Jane: Oh really, what happened?
Milburn: I locked her in the closet.

Agnes: If people are in love, they can be deliriously ecstatically happy without a penny to their name.
Milburn: I'll drive. You lie down in the back seat.

Jane: Come on, Jethro.
Milburn: I'm not Jethro.
Jane: You will be after the head transplant.

Daisy: How long you been married, Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: Twenty years.
Daisy: Ah, ain't that wonderful. They've had twenty years of happiness.
Milburn: No, we had twenty-five years of happiness - then we got married.

Jed: You mean this whole thing was Miss Jane's idea?
Milburn: One hundred percent. She made up the whole idea.
Jed: Jane, that's about the nicest thing I ever heard tell of.
Jane: Huh?
Jed: Goin' to all that trouble just to make Granny happy. Thank you.
Milburn: Now wait a minute. It wasn't all her idea.
Jane: That's true, Mr. Clampett. It was his idea to turn the air conditioning down so it would be cold in the house.
Jed: The only part I didn't like.

Jed: You ain't never seen my family home have you?
Milburn: No I haven't.
Jed: It's a dandy.
Milburn: Yes those southern mansions are beautiful. I suppose it has the large white pillars.
Jed: It did, but we brung 'em along and put 'em on the beds out here.
Milburn: No, you see, I was referring to wooden pillars.
Jed: Oh, ain't never slept on one of them.

Milburn: Ladybelle is a champion-bred harness racer. I didn't know they were going to make a house pet out of her.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: House pet?
Milburn: I understand Elly May let it sleep in her room.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Well, for once that mansion had a well-bred occupant.

Daisy: Jed, is the revenooer stayin' fer supper?
Jed: He ain't no revenooer.
Daisy: Well, is the furreigner stayin' fer supper?
Jed: How about it Mr. Landman? You too Mr. Drysdale.
Mr. Landman: You're not by any chance cooking mustard greens and possum innards, are you?
Daisy: Not tonight.
Jed: No, we had them last night.
Mr. Landman: I'll stay.
Milburn: Me too.
Daisy: Tonight, we is havin' leftovers.
Jed: That's the thing about possum innards. They is just as good the second day.

Milburn: Did you get him some girls from the secretarial pool?
Jane: This is the secretarial pool, I simply put Jethro's name on the door.

Milburn: Whoever named you the weaker sex must be the same idiot who said 'money can't buy happiness'.

Milburn: Here's to Countess von Clamp... Holstein.

Milburn: If it'll help keep the Clampett account, he can call me Milburn Goldfinger.

Jethro: Shucks, when it comes to lovin', I'm greener than a gourd.
Milburn: But when your Uncle Jed said that, you replied, "That's what you think."
Jethro: Yessir, that's what I think too.

Milburn: Anybody that can keep Granny interested in staying in Beverly Hills is more than appealing. He's money in the bank, the Clampett's money in my bank.

Milburn: I was supposed to get a lot of money.
Daisy: That is a lot of money. Why back home, with five dollars, you can buy enough land to live off of and enough moonshine to make livin' worthwhile.

Milburn: Are you sure you talked to the Commerce Bank?
Sheriff: That's the one.
Milburn: Well, who did you talk to? I'll fire them.
Sheriff: I couldn't catch the name, he was laughing to hard
Milburn: Did you tell him his boss was in jail.
Sheriff: Yes sir. That's when he started laughing.

Milburn: When I give my word, I expect you to keep it.

Milburn: I was in the quartermaster corps, myself. Made sergeant. Had a little lending service on the side.
Jane: You never saw combat, did you?
Milburn: Me? I went through some of the bloodiest fighting of the war. Got shot at a dozen times.
Jane: But you never went overseas.
Milburn: When you lend money to soldiers at 40%, you don't have to.