Top 200 Quotes From Sue Sylvester
Sue: Couldn't help but overhear your conversation.
Quinn: What were you doing in there?
Sue: Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss-timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p.m. ninja poops.
Will: Morning, Sue.
Sue: Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there. That's "Principal Sue".
Will: What?
Sue: Oh, you heard me right. My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.
Will: Sue, you set me up.
Sue: Hey, there, William. Root through anyone's personal belongings lately?
Will: When were you planning on airing that?
Sue: Opening night. That's why I pre-taped it. Oh, I know you're furious, Will. But do you honestly believe anything I said was unreasonable?
Will: Well...
[he tries to think of something]
Will: No.
Jacob: I have several sources reporting Quinn didn't want to leave, but you kicked her out because of the pregnancy scandal.
Sue: Well, Jacob, this is Ohio. And in order to win, my Cheerios need to appeal to that panel of judges. So if I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout, the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form, they are going to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby's head start crowning.
[taking his tape recorder]
Sue: Oh, and by the way, all this? Off the record. Probably should have told you that earlier.
Will: The tree really does look great.
Sue: Well, Santa had some helpers.
[she blows her whistle, and the Glee kids all enter]
Rachel: No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, Mr. Schuester.
Sue: I need you to change Robin's diaper and then sing her a lullaby. Preferably something not yet butchered by the glee club. Good luck finding one.
Sue: [voiceover] Dear journal, something strange happened yesterday. I felt something below the neck. Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester. Sexy, non-murdering feelings.
Sue: Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.
Sue: [to Santana and Brittany] Ladies, I misjudged you. You may be the two stupidest teens I've ever encountered. And that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young Sarah Palin.
Will: Jesse cared about you.
Rachel: No, he didn't. Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan. They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition, that I'd lose my will to live, and then New Directions would have no chance at winning Regionals. It's textbook; you destroy the heart of the team's heart and you destroy the team.
Will: [voiceover as Rachel continues, under] Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling nearly as depressed.
[cut to him working in the choir room]
Sue: [entering] William, I'm gonna have to ask you to clear out. I received an anonymous tip from someone who wants to meet me here to discuss an illegal Hot Cheetos ring. Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids, and I can't have that.
Sue: [after Will smashes her trophy] You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You try to get rid of them, but they keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.
Becky: [When Becky brings a gun to school] I was scared, Coach, about graduating, the unknown world, with no one to protect me!
Sue: Honey, I told you. You will always have a place here.
Becky: No! I wanted to be prepared and protect myself! I need hope!
Sue: [at cheerleading practice] You think this is hard? I'm living with Hepatitis, *that's* hard!
Shannon: Studies show that the best way to bring in alumni donations is through a successful athletic department; specifically, a winning football team.
Sue: Who's this?
Shannon: I'm Shannon Beiste. I'm the new football coach. Spelled B-E-I-S-T-E. It's French.
Will: I'm sorry, what happened to Ken Tanaka?
Principal: Nervous breakdown. Don't look at it as a punishment. Look at it as an investment into your clubs' futures. The more money the football program brings in, the more I can give back to you guys! Coach Beiste here is fresh off her fifth consecutive all-Missouri high school football championship. We've very lucky to have her!
Shannon: What can I say? I like a challenge.
Sue: First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse, sin against nature. Number two, I'm sure you're used to hilbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles. But you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.
Shannon: Do not get up into a panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelet.
Sue: That doesn't make any sense.
Sue: [journaling about having feelings for Will] True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit, in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.
Emma: I'm a little confused.
Sue: I understand. You're probably wondering "What exactly does Sue Sylvester mean when she says 'I'm your new therapist'?". Well, let me explain. As you may or may not know, I star in a little music video that's been circulating around the Web. A video that has a tendency to induce cruel, slow-motion laughter.
Emma: No. No. Didn't... didn't know about that.
Sue: Well, this video has inspired Sue Sylvester to start giving back. I happen to have my Masters in counseling, and when I heard that our school district's one and only psychologist had committed suicide, well, I decided to volunteer my services. And they gave me your name. I'd really like to help.
Emma: I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sue: Ella, you're crippled by mental illness. Your compulsions have estranged you from your own feelings. You nearly married a gym teacher who's more gravy than man. And you're content to be repeatedly lied to by the man you purport to love.
Emma: I'm sorry?
Sue: I bribed Will Schuester's landlord to slip baby monitors under his couch, and under his bed. Turns out he's been having make-out sessions with the coach from Vocal Adrenaline, and sleepovers with that world-class banana magnet April Rhodes.
Howard: Do I get a super villain nickname?
Sue: Your name is Panda Express.
Howard: But I'm not Chinese.
Sue: Neither is the food a Panda Express.
Sue: [to Quinn] I, Sue Sylvester am with child.
Quinn: Are you serious? Wow. Um, that's amazing and confusing. Who's the father?
Sue: Oh, I can't tell you that yet. But here's the deal. In order for this zygote to stay firmly ensconced in my uterine wall, my doctor has put me on bovine hormones that are making me extremely nauseous. They've also given me a near-superhuman sense of smell. For instance, I can tell that within the last week, you either enjoyed a delicious curry or a hug from Principal Figgins.
Will: So, I guess this is where I grovel to try to get my job back.
Sue: No groveling necessary, William. I'm returning you to your position. You know, one of the marks of a successful leader is appointing trusted lieutenants, and Ms. Holliday was clearly not up to the job. You irritate me, William. You make the underflaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac. But your kids sure love you, as evinced by the amount of treacly blubbering I had to sit through.
[cut to a montage of students in Sue's office]
Finn: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing and actually wants to hear an answer.
Noah: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson.
Sam: He taught me how to tie my shoelaces.
Rachel: I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but... I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is.
Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after "M" and "N". I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.
Becky: I don't want to hurt your feelings coach.
Sue: Why? I don't have feelings, Becky.
Quinn: I know what I heard. There we were, making out, and he said it: "Beiste". I think he was picturing making out with her.
Sue: That is the most horrific image I can imagine.
Quinn: Coach, I need help. I've done everything I can to rehabilitate my image. I'm getting straight A's, dating the cutest guy at school.
Sue: Who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk. Oh, dear god, why did I say that? Now that's what I'm picturing. Do you know what kind of disguisting images I'm gonna have to look at to get this out of my head? I'm gonna have to go straight to the wound care center. I'm gonna have to stare at some wounds.
Quinn: Coach, I really don't know what to do.
Sue: Wait. This may the opportunity I've been waiting for. A way to get Beiste out of this school and your Macaulay Culkin stunt double back in your arms.
Quinn: What do I have to do?
Sue: We need to go public with your pain. Get people talking about this, make Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau. And you need to give him a piece of your mind. Loud and in public. Show him who's the boss. Oh, man. Now I'm picturing the two of them making out during an episoe of "Who's the Boss?".
Will: Let's bury the hatchet, Sue.
Sue: No. I won't be burying any hatchet. Unless I get a clear shot to your groin!
Will: I've got to figure out some way to motivate them.
Emma: Okay, well, you, um, you could... oh, what about a sticker board? That's how my parents got me to do chores when I was a kid. Right, so I'd do a chore and then I'd get a star, and then...
Sue: Oh, dear god, please, please... stop talking. I'm trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet inanity of your asinine conversation, but now I've got bile in my mouth and I will hold my tongue no further. You know what this is?
[holding up her clipboard]
Sue: It's my list of Cheerios. Every week I pick someone at random and I kick 'em out.
Will: Yeah, well, in Glee Club, we do things a little bit differently.
Sue: Oh, yeah, Will? How's that working out for you?
Sue: Nobody quit the Cheerios! You either die or I kick you off.
Will: You cannot allow this to happen!
Principal: It's out of my hands, William. I have no control over what the Show Choir Governing Board says or does.
Sue: Let me break it down for you, Will. It's been decided that this year's regionals will be judged by celebrities. And I'm a celebrity now, William. Now, I realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality, but face it. I'm a legend. It's happened.
Sue: You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: Horror!
Kurt: Our assignment for Glee Club is to find a song that reflects our voice.
Sue: Yeah, you know what? I checked out of this conversation about a minute back. So, uh, good luck with your troubles, and I'm gonna make it a habit not to stop and talk to students, 'cause this has been a colossal waste of my time.
Will: Anyone who wants to join Glee Club gets to join.
Sue: Oh, god, Will, let me break it down for you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. Not everyone can be champions. Not everybody should be champions. We need fry cooks, bus drivers.
Will: Well, Sue, it's how I work and it's not going to change.
Sue: I like being friends with you, Will. This is fun. You make not trying to destroy Glee Club easy. You know why? 'Cause you're doing such a bang-up job of it all by yourself.
Sue: This was a particularly interesting find from today's round of locker checks. Are these your droopy white granny panties, Jacob? Are you an Eve who was born a Steve? Because if you are, I think there's a special school that would better address your needs. And I think that school is in Thailand.
Jacob: Rachel gave them to me so I wouldn't run the Quinn story.
Sue: What Quinn story?
Jacob: Quinn Fabray is pregnant.
Sue: Not a chance. If my head cheerleader was pregnant, jeopardizing the very future of my Cheerios and thus my teaching tenure, I think she would have come to me. Quinn Fabray respects me, would never lie to me. Never.
Jacob: I have three sources confirming. Please don't expel me. I'll kill the story.
Sue: No. Run it.
Sue: I'm all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.
Sue: [to Kurt] Hey, ladyface. I noticed you weren't at Cheerios practice yesterday, and I don't look kindly on absenteeism.
Becky: Coach, I have a confession to make.
Sue: Take a seat. Now, if this is about the complaint you lodged against me with Principal Figgins, I already know.
Becky: You do, Coach?
Sue: Oh, Becky, I've known ever since I tinker-tailor-soldier-spied my way into Figgins's file cabinet and read the evaluation cards, and when I saw one written in crayon, I knew it was either you or Brittany and you're the better speller.
Becky: Coach, I'm sorry. I was just looking out for the team.
Sue: Did you mean what you wrote? That you're worried I'm not as focused on the Cheerios as I used to be? Well, then you don't need be sorry and thank you for the feedback.
Becky: You're not mad?
Sue: No, Becky. But impending motherhood doth given me perspective. Oh, Becky, I'm reminded winning, my girls, destroying my enemies. Motherhood's not gonna change that. If anything, it makes me want them far more. You're an excellent co-captain, Becky. You're like me. Not afraid to make the tough calls.
Becky: Coach? You're gonna be a great mom.
Sue: Hey, buddy, you look terrible. You should be home in bed. There's no reason for you to be here.
Will: Well, the kids need me.
Sue: No, literally, there's no reason for you to be here. The kids prefer the substitute, and so do I. I got to be honest with you, Will. A lot of it's the hair thing. In fact, right now, I'm tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a tiny, full-length shearling coat for only the most fashionable of premature babies.
Will: Oh... I long for the day when Figgins gets better and comes back.
Sue: Well, that's not gonna happen. The school board has been just flooded with e-mails from parents thrilled with my tough stance on healthy teen lunches. Figgins has been fired, and I've been formally offered the position. So why don't you go home, rest, watch some TV, die. It doesn't matter; 'cause you know what? As my first official act as full-time principal, you are fired.
Will: You are a terrible influence on these kids. I think you're dangerous and I think you teach them all the wrong lessons.
Sue: I don't care what you think. I have a legacy to protect, William, and Glee Club is a part of that legacy, and I will win. And if it means I have to get you fired to do it, so be it.
Sue: How dare you! You led me on. You told me you had feelings for me, then you ask me out, you don't show up, humiliating me. In public.
Will: Gosh, Sue, I wonder where I learned how to do all that. You meddled around in my marriage, you terrorize the glee club, you continue to sabotage my relationship with Emma. I tried playing nice, but nothing seems to work with you. Cruelty was the only way to get your attention. I have no interest in dating you, Sue. You're a bully and you're mean to kids.
Sue: I'm mean to everyone!
Will: Yeah, well, fine. Consider this a little taste of what you love dishing out. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Sue: [he shows her the door] This is uncalled for, William.
Will: Good night, Sue.
Sue: I'll often yell at homeless people "Hey, hows that homelessness working out for you?" Give *not* homeless a try!
Sue: Q, take off those sunglasses. I want to look in your eyes when I give you this piece of business.
[Quinn takes off her shades]
Sue: You're off the Cheerios. I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad. You're a disgrace.
Sue: William, I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony redheaded hominid you're in love with. I understand that. I also understand that you bought a brand new car to impress her. You're flailing, William. Now, I'm secretly hoping it's a mid-life crisis, which means you're halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.
Will: What's your point, Sue?
Sue: Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created. This school is a powder keg of sexual deviance, William, and in my office, I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. I'm not kidding. It's like an inkblot test, that butt sweat stain. Stare into it, William, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world.
Sue: You wanted to see me?
Emma: Um. Yeah. Thank you for coming. Please sit down.
Sue: No.
Emma: Okay. Um. I was just wondering why Madonna was playing everywhere except my office.
Sue: Well, it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self-confidence, her power over her body, or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your intercom disconnected.
Sue: You know, Halloween is fast approaching. The day when parents encourage little boys to dress like little girls, and little girls to dress like whores, and go door to door, browbeating hardworking Americans into giving them free food. Well, you know what, western Ohio? We've lost the true meaning of Halloween. Fear. Halloween is that magical day of the year when a child is told their grandmother's a demon who's been feeding them rat casserole with a crunchy garnish of their own scabs. Children must know fear. Without, they won't know how to behave. They'll try Frenching grizzly bears or consider living in Florida. So moms, skip trick or treating this year, and instead sit your little toddler down and explain that daddy's a hungry zombie, and before he went out to sharpen his pitchfork, he whispered to Mommy that you looked delicious. And that's how Sue sees it.
Brenda: Well, look who it is. I thought I smelled a laughing stock.
Sue: Don't start with me Castle, or I will kick you square in the taco
Brenda: It's a date. That's just a typical night in the Castle condo.
Sue: You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard.
Sue: I wanna pit these kids against one another, am I clear? Quinn, update. Go.
Quinn: The minority students don't feel like they're being heard.
Sue: Ah, a chink in the armor, huh? I am going to create an environment that it so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.
Sue: You know, a week ago, had I found a list that so degraded the glee club, I would've been embarrassed I was beaten to the punch. But now I know the white-hot shame of public rebuke; that pain is indescribable.
Principal: William, last year at West Dayton High, a photo circulated of school superintendent...
Sue: And what was he wearing?
Principal: Women's lingerie.
Sue: And what was he riding?
Principal: Pony!
Sue: And who was expelled?
Principal: The entire school!
Sue: The entire school was expelled, Will!
Will: What does that have to do with me?
Principal: You must find out who made the Glist and suspend them before they post another one, or I'm holding the entire glee club responsible!
Will: Are you serious?
Principal: Deadly serious! I cannot have these shenanigans at this school!
Sue: He cannot have these shenanigans at this school!
Sue: [Writing in her journal] Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn, when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at Cheerios practice, disaster! It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver! That quiver will lose us Nationals. And without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft. Glee Club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger, like some sexually-ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything, only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, Journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's Will Schuester! What is it about him, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? Is it the store-bought home perm? It's coming clear to me now. If I can't destroy the club, I will have to destroy the man.
Sue: Do you believe in God, Jeannie?
Jean: Do you?
Sue: No, I don't.
Jean: Why not?
Sue: Because when we were little girls, you were perfect in my eyes. And I watched the world be cruel to you, so...
Jean: God never makes mistakes. That's what I believe.
Sue: [to Brittany] I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson. Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C plus. Your performance on the very same exam unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade: F minus. You answered every question with "See Other Side" where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled "Happyville: The Town Where Math Was Never Invented."
Sue: You're worried about getting new recruits? Well, if Beiste gets her way and our budgets are slashed, you'll be cutting kids left and right.
Will: You're right. I hadn't thought about that.
Sue: Beiste needs to be stopped, and I need your help to topple her. You in?
Will: [crumpling up the Glee Club sign-up sheet] I'm in.
Sue: I am devastated, positively horny with grief.
Will: What's going on?
Sue: Brittany here has accused Coach Beiste of inappropriate touching.
Will: What? Brittany, that's a serious accusation.
Sue: It's very serious.
[she winks, urging him to play along]
Will: [sitting down next to her] Brittany, what you're saying could ruin someone's life. It's really important that you tell the truth here.
Brittany S. Pierce: I made it up. Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really want to touch her boobs.
Sue: I hear people say "that's not how I define marriage." Well to them I say "love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets, I for one think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So woof, I'm pro-15-Ohio. And that's how Sue... C's it.
Sue: I have a phoner in a couple of minutes; that's an interview on the telephone, with a major media outlet. I'll probably do it on my iPhone.
Sue: So, I decided to step down as co-head of Glee.
Will: Really?
Sue: Yeah, it's not for me. It's too fruity. I can't stand the sight of kids getting emotional unless it's from physical exhaustion.
[repeated line]
Sue: Hey buddy.
Sue: I'm instating a new policy whereby we play Madonna's Greatest Hits over the P.A. system, quite loudly, throughout the entire school day.
Principal: But blasting her delicious hooks would make it impossible for the students to concentrate.
Sue: Ah, who cares? Madonna never finished college. She hopped a cab for the bright lights of New York City with thirty-five bucks in her pocket. And I think we should encourage our pupil to do the same. You say the word, and I will provide you a list of the students I believe should be rounded up and shipped off immediately.
Principal: I am sorry, Sue. This is insanity!
Sue: What you call insanity, I call inspiration. Let me break it down for you. It's been the biggest dream of my career to pay homage to Madonna, the woman most responsible for my take no prisoners demeanor, and my subconcious tendency to always be desperately looking for someone named Susan. And now my Cheerios squad this year finally has the talent to make that dream come true. You will not take that dream from me. Do you not understand the blackmail process and how it works?
[flashback to them in bed, Sue fully clothed]
Sue: [taking a selfie with her camera] Smile.
[back to real time]
Sue: I have your wife's number on speed dial. To recap, you will be playing those Madonna hits throughout the day at an earsplitting volume. Understood?
Kurt: This is so lovely!
Blaine: Yeah, it's beautiful. I wonder how they can afford this?
Sue: Klaine? Would you come with me, please? We have a bit of a situation?
Kurt: Nice try Sue but we're not going to fall for a fake elevator in a barn trick again!
[Blaine shakes his head no]
Sue: Oh, Porcelain, don't thank me for forcing you back into the arms of tiny Sal Mineo. I swear to you on the future grave of Will Schuster that we have a fake emergency.
Kurt: [confused] What are those? Brittany, what's going on?
Brittany S. Pierce: Kurt? Blaine? The whole time I was planning this high-end barn wedding all I could think about was you and not because you remind me of the pig and the gay rat from Charlotte's Web. It's because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you two. I looked up to you in high school and you showed me that there was a place for me and Santanna too. You guys were brave and when you called off your wedding it just broke my heart because I felt like my dream died.
Blaine: Okay, I don't know what you're talking about?
Sue: Yes, you do. Just think about what Brittany is saying? Out of our love for your love, we have conspired to deceive, manipulate, and imprison you briefly all coming up to this moment. We have two tuxes. Do we have two grooms?
Brittany S. Pierce: Okay, you're both making funny faces. What do you think?
Kurt: [Both are stammering] I think you're both crazy! Blaine and I just got back together and even if we were ready Santanna would never let us crash her wedding.
Santana: Oh, well, I would think again! It turns out I am like the godfather on a wedding day and as crazy as this all sounds I couldn't deny my bride her one wish. All you have to do is say yes!
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes! Say yes!
Blaine: Well. we don't even have rings!
Sue: Oh, I got that covered.
[Flashes her two pinky fingers revealing two rings]
Sue: So what do you say, fellas? Will you give America what at least 52% of it legally wants?
Kurt: Look this is all very romantic, and sweet, and a little weird, but come on! There's no way!
[Turning to Blaine]
Kurt: Right? Blaine?
Sue: [picking all the minority kids from Glee] See, Will, I don't want to participate in a group that ignores the needs of minority students.
Will: You have got to be kidding me.
Sue: Oh, I wouldn't kid about this, Will, and maybe that's your problem. Bigotry is no laughing matter.
Santana: [quoting her news segment tagline] And that's how Sue sees it.
Sue: Outstanding.
Sue: When Sandy said that he wanted to write himself in as Cleopatra, I was aroused, then furious.
Will: [as they watch the kids decorate the tree] I thought you hated the holidays.
Sue: [Without a bite to her tone] No, i just hate you.
Sue: [to Will] Oh, hey William... I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.
Will: Who do you think you are?
Sue: Well, now you know how it felt for me to have my Cheerios snatched away.
Will: I can't do a song with three kids!
Sue: Not with that attitude.
Sue: I just blasted my hammies.
Will: Oh.
Sue: Iron tablet? Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.
Will: I don't menstruate.
Sue: Yeah? Neither do I.
Sue: When you hear your name called, cross over to this side of this black shiny thing.
Will: That's called a piano, Sue.
Emma: Oh, my gosh. Sue? Did someone finally punch you?
Sue: Edie, William. You. Every year when the photos for the Thunderclap come around I always elect to have a little work done. This year I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using 'em.
Sue: You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp, and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face, and spent the next hour screaming 'sex party' into the microphones of all three major networks.
Will: Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened.
Sue: You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer, Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. I'll see you in court.
Will: Tina, you may not always get all the solos, but you are a key player. I put you in charge of costumes.
Tina: Wow! Like that's some prize. You want props to move around? Well, I'm a human prop and I'm sick of it!
Sue: Take a lap and cool down, Asian Number One.
Tina: My name is Tina. Tina Cohen-Chang!
Sue: Isn't she the one who used to stutter?
Sue: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in twenty years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of "Hair."
Principal: We've received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.
Sue: I... I really don't know what to say.
Sue: Well, let me help you out then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you're the one who should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school, as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.
Emma: You rigged Secret Santa?
Shannon: How? It was my idea.
Sue: Well, you're not the only person at this school who consumes protein powder by the tubful. Remember when I told you I was taking all those science textbooks to an exorcist? Well, that's what we call a diversion.
Emma: You filled your tub with your name only.
Sue: You're a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless. See, people, I hate Christmas, but I love presents. Ah, look at this. It's a track suit with a fur-lined hood for the winter months. Thanks, fella.
Will: That was Kurt's idea.
Sue: [he moves to take it back] Ah ah ah, William. These gifts are legally mine. Now, you may or may not be aware of this, but I'm an honorary officer of the Lima Police Department, and if you take my property out of my office, I will pick up that phone and have you arrested for theft.
Will: We are not going to let you steal Christmas, Sue.
Emma: You're not gonna get away with this.
Sue: I think I already have.
Sue: [to Santana] What is with you glee club ex-pats? Don't you have jobs. You have to have some source of income so you can pay the staff of scientists who service your teleporters that you all clearly on since you're constantly showing up here.
Will: So, Figgins is sick. How does that make you principal?
Sue: Well, through the blackmail of prominent local politicians, I strong-armed some extraordinarily broad clauses into my contract. My first order of business? Destroy the Glee Club.
Will: I... I thought we were friends.
Sue: That got boring.
Principal: Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous! Our insurance premium is through the roof as it is!
Sue: Cheerleading is a sport. There are dangers involved. It's the same as when a quarterback is sacked, or a hockey player is slammed up against the boards.
Will: Enough, Sue. There is no excuse for putting a student's life at risk.
Sue: I'm a tastemaker, Will. I know what an audience wants. You're not going to take this away from me. I need this. This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again.
Principal: But the risk and danger isn't to you!
Sue: That's the best part.
Will: You have got to be kidding me.
Sue: I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records; you know, to fly my JV squad, so if the plane did go down, well, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But then... *horror*!
[flashback; in the library, Sue comes across a naked Jacob Ben Israel webcamming with an unseen Rachel]
Jacob: Rachel, are you aware you've never been hotter than you are right now dressed as Britney Spears?
Rachel: Thank you.
[cut to Sue's office]
Jacob: Can I put some clothes on, please?
Sue: No. I want you to feel the beads of your own sweaty, depraved stank dripping down your butt crack.
Jacob: Rachel Berry was dressing like Britney Spears, and I was... titillated.
Sue: Oh, dear god, please don't ever say that word again.
Jacob: Can I go now, please? And you're gonna have to turn around when I stand up, if you know what I mean.
Sue: Hey, buddy, see you on Saturday.
Will: Wait. What?
Sue: At regionals. Didn't you hear? I'm one of the judges.
Sue: Sandy, how is it that you manage to sneak into this school without setting off all of the fire alarms?
Will: We have another year?
Sue: You're a good teacher, Will. Now, I don't like you so much. But I admire you and the work you're doing with your kids. I really do.
[offering a handshake]
Sue: Bon chance, William. I relish the thought of another full year of constantly besting you.
Will: [shaking hands] You know, Sue, inside... you're a really good person. You have a heart.
Sue: Okay, let go of my hand.
Will: Hey... I appreciate what you're doing for these kids. I won't forget it.
Sue: And I'm seriously going to puke in your mouth.
Will: Sue! We need to talk. The auditorium is padlocked!
Sue: Well, that's curious. Did you check the sign-up sheet?
Will: What sign-up sheet?
Sue: [pulling it out] Why, the one I keep right here in my waistband, William. Let's see. Yeah, I've got the entire week booked solid. Got a big magazine feature coming up. It's a little chilly for my girls to be praciticing outdoors.
Will: Yeah? Well, let's see what Figgins has to say about this.
Sue: Oh, I'm sure Figgins will just mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a phone call. I happen to be blackmailing him.
Tracy: Sue, when I met you, I instantly disliked you. You're bossy, insulting, and the fact that twice you called me "Rerun" makes me think you're a little racist. I came here to write a piece that would expose you as a coward and a cheat. I could not have been more wrong.
Sue: Beg your pardon?
Tracy: You got every shape and size Cheerio up there singing about empowerment and inclusion, telling everyone it's okay to be exactly the person you are. You're a visionary, and I think redefining cheerleading. Bravo.
Will: Hey, Sue. Can I talk to you for a second?
Sue: Sure, buddy. You look steamed.
Will: Those kids went out and really tried to show what Glee Club was all about. And how does the school repay them? By defacing the sign-up sheet. "Buttface McBallnuts". "Ass-braham Lin-colon". They're not even funny!
Sue: Now, don't be rude, William. I put a lot of thought into those.
Sue: Schuester! I'll need to see that set list for Sectionals after all. I want it on my desk warm from the laminator at 5:00 P.M., and if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then, on some dark, cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.
Will: You know, Sue, there are a lot of people at this school who dislike you. My kids don't do stuff like this.
Sue: Is that so? Exhibit B.
Will: What's a Glist?
Sue: It's a "Glee List", William. It's a weekly ranking of your glee club, based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity. It was posted all over the school an hour ago. Apparently, you get a point for each act of perpetuated depravity.
Will: What makes you think my kids did this?
Principal: The Glist was made on a library computer using the pass code "gleeclub".
Sue: Your glee club is a petri dish of sexual depravity.
Principal: Sue's right, Will. Why, only last year, a list was posted ranking McKinley's ten ugliest Gingers. And the perpertrator would have been expelled had it not turned out to be a member of the faculty!
Sue: I stand by that list.
Will: Sue.
[she ignores him]
Will: Hey, Sylvester, I'm talking to you.
Sue: Oh, hey, buddy. I thought I smelled failure.
Will: Why'd you take the piano when it was my time up with the kids?
Sue: A properly steam-cleaned piano is key to any successful music group.
Will: Why do I feel like I'm about to fall through a trap door into a pit of fire?
Sue: Because you don't trust me. I know my methods are extreme. And I know I'm not like the rest of you hippies, caring about the kids' feelings as if they're real, but I do care about teaching. And when I coach them, and they win, I win. And you know how I feel about winning.
Will: I do.
Will: Well, Sue, congratulations. You win. I lose. The kids lose.
Sue: I know you think I'm heartless, Will, and you may have a point. I spend large segments of each day picturing you choking on food. And I recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because I had a very satisfying dream that the two of us went to a zoo and I shoved your face into one of those pink, inflamed monkey butts that weeps lymph. And I know that you think I'm a bad person because I remain unmoved by your nattering of trite platitudes to your ill-shapen students about how the human condition can be improved by, yes, singing about it. And I've proven that I can wipe you and your Glee Club off the face of this earth. But what kind of world would that be, Will? A world where I couldn't constantly ridicule your hair. World where I couldn't make fun of you for tearing up more than Michael Landon in a sweeps week's episode of "Little House on the Prairie". And you know what, Will? Sue Sylvester's not sure she wants to live in that kind of world. So I had a little talk with Figgins.
Sue: You need to make a bold move. You suck.
Emma: Excuse me?
Sue: You take weird little strides when you walk, as if you were raised in imperial Japan and someone bound your feet.
Emma: You make a valid point.
Sue: Grow a pair. I'm insulting you. You refuse to stand up for yourself, you're so afraid of confrontation.
Emma: You're right.
Sue: If you want to get better, you need to start communicating your feelings. You need to let Will Schuester know how he's made you feel, and in a public setting, so he can't escape and he won't manipulate you. Trust me, you need to let him have it.
Sue: [to Santana] Hold it right there, Sandbacks. You and I need to have a serious chat. Now I realize when I chose Becky as co-captain for the Cheerios, it might have rubbed you the wrong way.
Santana: Wanky.
Will: [defending Puck and Finn] It's a harmless prank.
Sue: That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on a dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and the city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
Will: [finding Sue in his apartment] How... how did you get in here?
Sue: Oh, I had a key made ages ago.
Sue: I'm off to notify the Ohio secretary of state that I will no longer be carrying photo ID... because people should know who I am.
Katie: So, tell me, Sue, how are you holding up?
Sue: I'm hanging in there, thank you.
Katie: I know it's painful, but... can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship, landing you this interview as Loser of the Year?
Sue: I thought this was the Ten Most Fascinating.
Katie: That's Barbara Walters. In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson, the housing market, Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods, the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone, 9% unemployment, and Sparky Lohan, who is Dina Lohan's dog and apparently, also a loser. How do you cope with that?
Sue: I've been drinking a lot of bleach.
Sue: I'm actually very proud of you, twinkle tush. You're a real trailblazer. You know, it used to be that just straight ex-football players would lurk the halls of high schools after graduation, but you've proven that gay, ex-show choir champs can also be depressive sad sacks desperately clinging to the past.
Carole: This is absolutely unacceptable.
Burt: This psycho threatens my kid's life, and some school board made up of a bunch of people I've never met tells me there's nothing they can do about it?
Sue: Oh, they could do something about it. They just decided not to. No one reported witnessing him being violent, and there's no way to prove that he threatened you with violence. The school board president issued a verbal warning to Karofsky, and that's where we stand.
Kurt: I can't go back to being terrified all the time. I mean, I jump every time a locker slams shut. I... I flinch whenever I turn the corner. I don't feel safe at the school.
Sue: Kids who bully, for the most part, have been bullied themselves. And I for one don't flatter myself that that behavior can change. Now, this kid Karofsky isn't gonna all of a sudden be nice to you, and I won't stand by unable to do anything about it. Effective noon tomorrow, Figgins is back in charge, as I have tendered my resignation as principal in protest. I can't help you behind that desk, but I can be an extra pair of eyes out in those hallways. Someone ought to have your back. Besides, I miss my office. This room smells weird. I can't shake the feeling that I'm inhaling a lot of dead skin.
Will: Sue, you are unbelievable.
Sue: And you are a terrible spy. You might try breathing through your nose sometime. If you were a sniper, I would have already radioed in your coordinates. Just like in the Falklands.
Will: I'm not gonna let you bully that girl, Sue.
Sue: Oh, I bully everybody, Will. It's how I roll.
Will: Yeah, but this is different. She's not like everybody else.
Sue: I want you to listen to what you just said, Willliam. You're asking me to treat this girl differently because she has a disability. When actually, it seems to me, she just wants to be treated like everybody else. Why are you doing this?
Will: Because I know you. And you're up to something.
Sue: You don't know the first thing about me.
Sue: [after Sam is finished singing] We gotta get that girl on the cheerios.
Shannon: [watching Sue on a tear in the locker room] What the hell are you doing?
Sue: I'm sending a message. Sue Sylvester's done playing nice. I just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board, and they accepted my request to move my regional to the same night as your championship game. Congratulations. You just lost your halftime show and the cheerleaders.
Will: [she knocks items off the desk] Sue!
Shannon: What the crap are we gonna do now?
Will: [getting an idea] I got it.
Sue: Hey, why so glum, William? Cat crap in your coffee? Or are you worried no one's signing up for your little club there?
Will: Nah, not at all, Sue. Nationals are in New York City this year. I think that list is gonna be filled up in no time.
Sue: Well, you know what your problem is?
[taking the sign-up sheet off the notice board]
Sue: "No tryouts, just sign up." Nobody wants to be part of a club that just anyone can join. See this? It's a court summons; child endangerment, 'cause there's been a line of would-be Cheerios out there since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. One girl ate a pigeon, several others started worshipping a possum carcass as their Lord. That's how much they want to be Cheerios.
April: That's not true!
Sue: It will be. That's the whole point of yellow journalism: turning rumour into fact.
Sue: [to Will and Bryan] I came over here to congratulate you on your new role. Local director Herb Duncan does the dry clean for the cheerios, and he let slip that you just landed the lead role in Les Mis!
[Will looks overwhelmed, and Bryan lets go of his smile]
Sue: Congratulations. I'm ecstatic! And the good news just keep coming, because you got a part too, Bryan. The exciting role of Townsperson. You got a line too. Right back here in the second act, you get to say... 'Hooray!' Congratulations to both of you, I can't wait for opening night!
Sue: No time for a foursome, ladies. Bus leaves in five.
Quinn: We quit Cheerios!.
Sue: You can't quit Cheerios!. It's blood in, blood out. Now get your sweet little cans on that bus.
Santana: But we still quit.
Sue: You're my stars. If you leave, I have no performance!
Brittany S. Pierce: Sucks for you.
Principal: Sectionals is coming up. What are your co-director plans?
Will: Oh, we were actually... uh, we're each going to direct our own number.
Sue: And we'll be flipping a coin to see who goes first. It'll be very civilized.
Will: Hmm, yeah.
Sue: Very sportsmanlike, so...
Principal: This arrangement is pleasing to all.
Sue: Isn't it?
Will: It's great.
Principal: Now... let's hug it out.
Will: [awkward laugh] I'd rather not do that
Sue: I really don't see that happening.
Principal: This meeting doesn't end until I see your bodies touching. It's a technique I learned last week at my leadership seminar.
Will: I think I can tell who wrapped that. Who's it for?
Emma: Oh, Sue. I drew her as my Secret Santa.
Will: Wait a minute. That's not possible. Sue's my Secret Santa.
Shannon: No, Sue's my Secret Santa.
Sue: [in her office] I'm everybody's Secret Santa. Yeah, you can just drop those wherever.
Emma: There is a boy in that Glee Club that might lose his father. How could you get in the way when the only thing anybody is trying to do is give that poor child just a little bit of comfort? What happened to you, Sue? Please tell me what horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant.
Sue: Have a seat.
[Emma sits down]
Sue: Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her. And so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after a while, I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough; it's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel.
Emma: Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant?
Sue: It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how open-hearted or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it?
Emma: Well, if that's what you believe, that's fine. But please keep it to yourself.
Sue: So long as you do the same. That kid could lose his father at any moment. You should start preparing him for that. Now get the hell out of my office. I realize you're only half orangutan, but I'm still very allergic to your lustrous ginger mane.
Sue: [at Cheerios tryouts] No way. Get out.
Quinn: Coach Sylvester, please hear me out.
Sue: Nope. I trusted you, and you let me down. I don't want you anywhere near my squad. You'll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together.
Sue: I've never wanted kids... don't have the time, don't have the uterus
Sue: Why would I stoop to such puerile acts? Because I hate you, Will Schuester, and I will stop at nothing until I see you homeless in the streets drinking gutter runoff and allowing passersby to perform lewd acts on your butt chin for money. You are a fatuous, dim-witted, borderline pederast who tears up faster than a gay jihadi in a sandstorm. You have befouled the profession of teaching by accepting not only one but two Teacher of the Year Awards despite not speaking a word of the foreign language you purport to teach. Like the storied predators of yesteryear, Will, you pick only the most vulnerable students to favor while actively neglecting the others. Like that gross kid with the dreadlocks, or that poor Irish idiot Rory, or the black dancer whose name none of us remember because you rode his back to a win at sectionals and then promptly ignored him into oblivion. You positively worship a student if they can so much as carry a tune and yet you don't know a single name of the only true musical geniuses in that choir room: THE BAND, who have demonstrated time and again that they can, at the drop of a hat, play literally any song you can name and still you treat them like so much nameless human garbage. Your bizarre, psychosexual obsession with that Glee Club was disturbing from the first moment you stalked a nude student in the showers. You know, I'm honestly surprised you didn't re-enact what was clearly the formative event of your own teenage years and Sandusky the poor kid right there and then. Oh, and I think those absorbent sweater vests actually hide the fact that you lactate every time you give one of your excruciatingly condescending pep talks. Your charms wore off a long time ago, William. Somewhere around Bieber Week. So why don't you take your washboard abs and your washboard forehead and get the hell out of my office. Oh, and take that uncomfortable smirk and the nine foot fart you must be holding in with you, and let'er rip the second you get home. Because, you know what, if you're lucky that sphincter might just toot out the first minute and a half of "Wheel in the Sky," which is the only Journey song you haven't yet managed to ruin.
Will: [in Sue's office] Wait... Are you serious? Finn?
Sue: My eyes are still burning.
Finn: [in the gym] I'm Finn Hudson and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios.
Sue: You know, there's only one person in the world who can tell you what you are.
Kurt: [smiling] Me.
Sue: No. Me. Sue Sylvester. And she hasn't quite made up her mind about you.
Sue: Bringing down this club may be easier than I thought. I am engorged with venom and triumph.
Sue: Here's a list of the kids I want shipped off to New York with thirty-five bucks in their pocket. Operation Madonna is now complete.
Principal: Sue, these are all Glee kids.
Sue: Yep.
Principal: Um... I... I'm sorry, Sue. I'm having trouble concentrating. Your new look is...
Sue: [wearing a copy of Madonna's cone-cup bra over her tracksuit] Fantastic. Yeah, I agree.
Principal: Unncessary. Sue, you're a powerful woman. You don't need to copy anyone else. You're an original, just like Madonna. Don't lose that quality.
Sue: Do you mean that, or are you just saying that because I poked a couple of kids' eyes out before second period today?
Sue: Let me get this straight. The glee club got rid of Dakota Stanley, Mr Schuester's back and they're busy at work on a new number more confident than ever.
[Cut to scene of Glee Club rehearsing]
Sue: This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to have to ask you to smell your armpits.
Quinn: [They look uncertainly at each other and then smell their armpits]
Sue: That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.
[Santana runs out in tears]
Sue: Anything else?
Brittany: Sometimes I forget my middle name.
Rachel: Mr. Schue, it is pointless to rehearse this scene without Finn.
Will: We don't have a choice. He's late and he's not answering his phone. We gotta get this timing down, guys. And would you please stop interjecting your opinions, Sue?
Sue: Opinions? These are my re-writes.
Sue: Wheels, Porcelain, Other Gay. The yuletide season is upon us and everyone knows that Christmas is a time for forgiveness. So I have decided to forgive you for having no talent and ruining the American songbook one mash-up at a time.
Sue: So, I had a little chat with Principal Figgins, and he said that if your group doesn't place at regionals, he's cutting the program. Ouch.
Will: You know, you don't have to worry about Glee Club. We're gonna be fine.
Sue: Really? 'Cause I was at the local library, where I read "Cheerleading Today" aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page turner. "Show Choir Rule Book". And it turns out you need twelve kids to qualify for regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five and a half.
[handing the book to him]
Sue: Here. Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you; maybe you could find some recruits, 'cause I'm not sure there's anybody else who's gonna want to swim over to your island of misfit toys.
Will: Are you threatening me, Sue?
Sue: Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha. Let's break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it, you want to be me. So here's the deal: you do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother: euthanize it. It's time. And then I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade, launder my soiled delicates. It'll be very rewarding work for you.
Will: You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you're used to being the cock of the walk around here...
Sue: Offensive.
Will: ...but it looks like your Cheerios are going to have some competition. We're going to show at regionals. You have my word on that.
Sue: I think you will be adding revenge to the list of things you're not good at, including being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hair style that doesn't make you look like a lesbian.
Will: Sue, I am not done talking to you. What about all my sheet music? My kids need that music.
Sue: Well, Will, the last thing your kids need is chronic sinusitis from the mildew I feared was infesting that old moldy paper.
Will: Oh, so, what? You sent it away for some testing?
Sue: No. Burned it.
Sue: Porcelain, this is my daughter Robin. I've loved the name ever since I was a little girl. It recalls hope, and springtime, and my favorite dead Bee Gee.
Sue: Let me break it down for you, William. You're standing at a crossroads. You have two choices. Number one: this trophy will be installed in the choir room in a custom-built bulletproof case as a daily reminder of your failure as a man and an educator.
Will: And what's choice number two?
Sue: You can kiss me, right here on the lips, with tongue.
Will: This is payback, isn't it?
[she smirks]
Will: No one will know? Fine.
[they lean in to kiss, when she suddenly stops]
Sue: You know what? I'm not gonna do this. Even your breath stinks of mediocrity. It's making me sick.
Sue: Newton-John? You're dead to me. Remington, Horsey, have a seat and listen up. I don't care who comes in first, I don't care who places second, but I have a very strong opinion about who comes in third.
Rod: Sue, if I may. That "Bohemian Rhapsody" had me a-movin' and a-shakin', and I'm talking old school. You know, I partied with Freddie Mercury back in the '70s, and I partied... hard, if you know what I mean. Back then, people weren't so obsessed with labels.
Olivia: I, for one, was offended that only one of the groups chose to honor me in song. I think Aural Intensity should win.
Sue: [Josh raises his hand] Yes?
Josh: Two questions. One, are you single? And two, how about those New Directions? I liked them. I thought they had a lot of... heart.
Olivia: Heart? Oh, please. Talk about blatant tokenism. That whole "we're inspiring, we're a ragtag bunch of misfits" thing is so 2009.
Sue: I couldn't agree more. Let's vote.
Sue: High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action out in the forest: bottom floor.
Will: And... where do the Glee kids lie?
Sue: Subbasement.
Sue: [to Santana] You lodged a complaint about my teaching tactics with Principal Figgins, possibly derailing my bid for tenure just when I'm trying to have a baby!
Santana: A baby? With whose vagina?
Sue: You know, Roz, the English language lacks the requisite words to express just how much I dislike you.
Will: [pranking the new football coach] Isn't this kind of immature?
Sue: No, it's downright childish. But I know gals like Beiste. Oh, her high school life must have been miserable. She's oversized, humorless, refers to herself in the third person as an animal. This kind of abuse and teasing will bring back all those childhood memories. She'll be shaken to her core; humiliated and devastated. She'll have no choice but to quit her job, and our budgets will be restored.
Will: [fist bumping] Yes!
Sue: Nutrition is abysmal at this school.
[holding up a crown of broccoli]
Sue: You know what this is?
Mercedes: Toilet brush.
Sue: It's broccoli. When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived. I am declaring a war on junk food.
Principal: These students have committed a felony. They are hereby expelled.
Shelby: Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled. I'm not going to press charges as long as you pay for the damage. You can take it out of the glee club budget.
Will: That'll bankrupt the glee club. We don't have that kind of money.
Finn: We'll get jobs. Give us a month. We'll... we'll pay you back, Ms. Corcoran, I promise.
Shelby: Fine.
Principal: Ms. Corcoran, you are as wise and maganimous as you are beautiful.
Will: [Shelby leaves] Thank you.
Sue: Well, you just can't win, can you, William? You never have, and you never will.
Sue: Lady justice wept tonight.
Principal: Schue, I'm afraid Sue is right. You have indeed "stepped in it".
Will: I didn't even know that this was going on.
Sue: Well of course you didn't Will. You wouldn't even know if your Glee Club was using your office to breed rabbit for pets or for food. You know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair was enormous amounts of product. I mean today it just looks like you put lard in it.
Sue: This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.
Sue: A little bird told me that someone spent her summer vacation getting a brand new set of melons, even though you know I have a very strict no plastics policy in Cheerios. Care to comment?
Santana: I just...
Sue: [interrupting her] What would possess a person your age to get a boob job? You don't even know what your body's going to look like. It's an insult to nature and completely distracting. I can't take my eyes off them. I'm actually talking to them right now.
Santana: I wanted people to notice me more. I don't get what the big deal is.
Sue: Well, the big deal is that a person who has to pump her nonnies full of gravy to feel good about herself clearly doesn't have the self-esteem to be my head cheerleader. Quinn will replace you.
Santana: What did...
Sue: Oh, and Boobs McGee? You're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses, your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, vine-ripened chest fruit and get the hell out of my office.
Sue: [to Marley] I'm trying to think of a mean nickname for you and I'm blanking.
Sue: I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.
Principal: Sue, the directors both from the Jane Adams Academy and Haverbrook School for the Deaf have informed me you gave them the New Directions set list.
Sue: You have no proof.
Principal: The set lists were on Cheerios letterhead.
Sue: I didn't do it.
Principal: They say "From the Desk of Sue Sylvester'.
Sue: Circumstantial evidence.
Principal: They're written in your handwriting.
Sue: Forgeries.
Principal: Sue, there is an orgy of evidence stacked against you!
Sue: I'm about to vomit down your back.
Sue: I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage". Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy is no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So, WOOF! on Prop 15, Ohio.
Will: This is a joke.
Principal: William, Sandy's never been formally charged with anything. And the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash. This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in the chair complaining how I don't care about the arts program?
Will: This was you. You have always been out to get me.
Sue: Well, if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.
Sandy: William, take a chill pill. I'm here to help you.
Will: [skeptical] Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?
Sue: You know Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure.
Sue: You think this is hard? I'm passing a gallstone as we speak! *That's* hard!
Sue: Here's the skinny: Splitts! magazine, after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester, has named me "Cheerleading Coach of the Last 2,000 Years". In seven days, reporter Tracy Pendergrass will arrive on campus, and my new star singer will have lost ten pounds, and be in a gender-appropriate cheerleading uniform, or she is off the team.
Kurt: Ten pounds? Are you serious?
Sue: You could stand to lose a few, too, kiddo. You got hips like a pear.
Sue: Becky, that is the best Halloween costume I've ever seen.
Becky: [Dressed up as Sue] Thanks, Coach.
Sue: There's only one thing missing.
[hands Becky a megaphone]
Sue: Go scream at some fatties.
Josh: I thought that brunette had an amazing voice.
Olivia: Brunettes have no place in show business.
Sue: Come on. They're just kids.
Olivia: That's no excuse. By the time I was fourteen, I'd already formed a band. When Josh Groban was their age, he was already in the Mickey Mouse Club or something.
Sue: Well, as the only educator here, let me point out that not all kids are afforded the same opportunities as others.
Olivia: Is that what you tell yourself to get to sleep at night? Some people just simply don't have talent. You think you're a celebrity. You're not. You just try hard. That's about it.
Rod: Olivia Newton-John has a valid point here. You have a lot in common with those kids at your school, Sue. Underachievers with delusions of grandeur.
Josh: Dagnabbit! Now even I have to admit I'm a little confused as to what Sue is doing in this room. Wasn't the theme tonight supposed to be celebrity judges?
Sue: Kiss my ass, Josh Groban! I am an internationally ranked cheerleading coach!
Olivia: Who lives in Ohio. When this is done today, Josh and I are flying back to L.A. first class. You'll be staying here. Just like those kids. I think we've all made up our minds. Let's vote.
Sue: My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal and yesterday, I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.
Brittany: That's because I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.
Sue: This is their set list from sectionals. "Don't Stop Believin'", that's in. "Proud Mary", performed in wheelchairs. That's in. Now, I suggest you take these two songs, split them between your two groups, and I'll pull some strings and make sure that Schuester and his group perform last. That way, it'll look like he stole the songs from you.
Grace: Um, who do you think I am?
Sue: That's actually a very good question because I've forgotten both of your names.
Grace: Look, I spend every waking hour of my day trying to teach those girls that lying and cheating is not the way you're ever gonna get ahead. And you're suggesting I do exactly that so that they can win a singing competition?
Sue: Yeah, pretty much. I think you're missing an opportunity to give your girls a second chance. These McKinley kids are gonna do do fine. But outside of Glee Club, your girls don't have a heck of a lot going for them. And I'd hate to see them so devastated by losing that they'd give up entirely. You know how many deaf choirs have won this competition?
Dalton: Okay, everybody's going to need to speak up because I can't hear. Deaf in one ear. Scarlet fever.
Sue: I assume you read lips. Read these. Never let anything distract you from winning. Ever.
Sue: I'm having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because your hair looks like a brier patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou!
Sue: You should really be ashamed of yourself. You are are seriously No Fun to interrogate or almost torture.
[the Principal wakes up in bed after Sue spikes his drink]
Sue: So here's what's gonna happen. As of right now, I am reinstated. Or I will tell your wife and the entire congregation of the Cornerstone Bible Way Church of our sexual congress. It's your choice.
Sue: Your delusions of persecution are a telltale sign of early stage paranoid schizophrenia.
Sue: I heard. And I am literally horny with fear.
Sue: Oh, I just thought I'd stop and say hello, buddy... Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.
[first lines; Will and Sue argue in slow-motion]
Will: [voiceover] How did this happen? I look like a crazy person. That's not me. Wow, I didn't even know the vein on my neck could stick out like that. We've been going at it for a week, ever since the decongestant incident when Figgins brought Sue in to co-run the Glee Club. I'm so ashamed of myself. She's turned me into her.
Sue: [voiceover] Look at me. Even in the heat of battle, I'm so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior. God, it feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will Schuester.
Will: [voiceover] Shut up, Sue. Look at us. We're even fighting in our voiceovers. I guess things really started to fall apart a couple of days ago, right after Figgins called us into his office for a sit-down.
Sue: [to Becky] Oh, honey, all healthy relationships are built on lies. When I got married, I pledged to be totally honest at all times. And you know what? I'm pretty sure that's why I ended up divorcing myself.
Sue: As Madonna once said, I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that's what I am. Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first.
Sue: Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go onto college? I don't know, I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round off.
[first lines]
Sue: Ladies, what we have here is a grade "A" dilemma. Mercedes, your vocal chords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team, but that look simply will not do. At first, I thought it was a subtle homage to yours truly, but now I fear it's some kind of ironic comment.
Mercedes: Ms. Sylvester, I'm just not comfortable in those Cheerios skirts. They don't fit me right.
Kurt: Mercedes, you shouldn't be embarrassed about your body.
Mercedes: Embarrassed? No, no. I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.
[they laugh and share a 'secret handshake']
Sue: How do you two not have a show on Bravo?
Sue: So how do you think you can help me? Are you here to tell me how to deal with this?
Kurt: Not at all.
Sue: 'Cause if I was being honest with you, Eddie Munster and Herman Munster, I don't know how to deal with this. I can't go back into that nursing home and start sorting through Jean's things.
Will: [after several tryouts, Sue chooses a girl with Down syndrome for the Cheerios] What are you up to, Sue?
Sue: I'm just following orders, Will. I'm doing what I was told. And I found myself a brand-new Cheerio.
Will: You're up to something.
[as she leaves]
Will: I don't like this, Sue!
Sue: [at cheerleading practice] You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, *that's* hard!
Sue: I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help, but picturing birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting.
Sue: [Brittany is reluctant to perform her cannon stunt] To put your toddler, fist-sized mind at rest, we'll do one final test run.
[putting a life-size doll inside, she fires the cannon, which utterly destroys the doll]
Sue: Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual.
Sue: [narrating] Dear journal, I am in crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe. Here I am, 31, and already a legend. What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss. Last week, I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something.
Tattooist: [tattooing her back] Wait. It's Syv-lester, right? Sue Syv-lester?
Sue: At the risk of stepping out of character, I brought donuts to calm everyone's frayed nerves.
Sue: [while putting together a Madonna-inspired Cheerios routine] Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping!
Sue: Today is the day we honor St. Valentine, a man publicly beheaded for defying his government by exchanging candies and chocolates to nonsensically render the objects of our affection more fat and less attractive.
Principal: I'm sorry, Schue, but I cannot let this slide.
Will: But the kids weren't even paid!
Sue: There's a stack of mattresses in the choir room piled as high as the empty hair gel bottles in the dumpster outside your apartment!
Will: Okay, we'll give the mattreses back.
Principal: Schue, one of those mattresses was used. You can't return a used mattress. You can't even donate one to charity; lice, bedbugs. I looked it up online!
Sue: Is there any reason that you have a soiled mattress in your office, Will? Have you and the redhead become so sexually depraved that you have to commit your craven acts of adultery in between classes?
Principal: What?
Will: I slept... you know what? Okay, fine. I slept here, all right?
Principal: Excuse me?
Will: [sitting down with a heavy sigh] I'm thinking about leaving my wife.
Sue: Well, I didn't see that one coming at all.
Sue: [to Kurt] So you like show tunes. It doesn't mean you're gay. It means you're awful.
Sue: How's your father?
Kurt: They say his condition is critical but stable... Good news, I guess.
Sue: I'm sorry for what you're going through, lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I guess I don't have to. I think Mary Lou Retton's, like, an orphan or something. I don't like what Schuester's doing in that classroom even more than usual but I can't go to the school board without an official complaint from a student.
Kurt: So you want me to be your scapegoat? Mm-mmm.
Sue: You don't understand. I know at times I mess around with you guys for fun. I admit it- It aids digestion. But I'm not joking here. I want to be your champion.
Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't want to die.
Sue: You don't climb in that cannon, and that routine will be all "boom boom" and no "pow". And that, Brittany, is so 2000 and late. Here's your consent form. And as you ponder your decision, I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home, and one more on the way. And if you refuse to sign this, well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry.
Sue: Baby cannons?
Sue: And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can't work. Do you want us to win or don't you?
Brittany S. Pierce: [taking a pen] How many M's are there in the letter R?
Sue: Make an "X".
Sue: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio Secretary of State notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.D. You know why? People should know who I am.
Becky: The glee club's doing Britney Spears for the assembly. I just found out.
Sue: Becky, you're on red alert. If you see any awkward teenage frottage, you perform that citizen's arrest we practiced.
Sue: ...and, wow, I just lost my train of thought. You have so much margarine in your hair.
Will: OK. First, of all my kids are doing Madonna. She's public domain and there is nothing you can do about it. Secondly, enough with the hair jokes. Oh, by the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working for you? Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your FLOwbee!
[walking away]
Will: Oh, snap!
Sue: I thought you were gonna take a hatchet to that Glee Club.
Bryan: I was, but you may have heard I plan on making my return to the stage next month in a local production of "Les Miz", and I've had something of a personal awakening. So I've decided to examine all of the extracurricular activities here at this school, and Sue, your Cheerios budget is out of control.
Sue: Let me remind you of something, Mr. Ryan. The Cheerios sell tickets.
Bryan: Not enough to offset your costs.
Sue: I am very tired of athletics always taking a back seat. When daily P.E. was cut at this school, no one batted an eye. But cut a dance program, cancel the school musical, and suddenly there's an uproar.
Katie: Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes, was it really worth it?
Sue: Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.
Katie: And how do you feel now that the remainder of the annual Cheerios! budget is going to the Glee Club?
Sue: I'm sorry?
Katie: Let's take a look.
[turning on a videocassette of herself dancing with Schue]
Katie: After a little song and dance to support the arts, I sat down with McKinley Glee Club director Will Schuester.
Will: I have to say, I'm thrilled. Sue got what was coming to her, and now we don't have to hold a bake sale to pay for the bus to regionals.
Katie: [pausing the tape] Thoughts?
Sue: I hate you, Diane Sawyer.
Sue: How do you like your tree?
Will: Uh, it's... it's... it's beautiful. Wha... what's going on? What's with all the presents?
Sue: Well, you remember that old meanie who stole all that stuff out of the choir room? Well, she's sorry.
Will: Really? And what made her chage her mind?
Sue: I don't know. Call it a Christmas miracle and we'll leave it at that. Now, I know a lot of these gifts are for orphans or something, but, uh... I got you something special.
[he looks at her suspiciously as she hands over a gift]
Sue: It's okay, it's not going to explode.
[opening the box, he finds an electric razor]
Sue: [looking at his head of hair] I thought you might want to put all of us out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet.
Sue: And here's the truth. I mercilessly pick on Will Shuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I am jealous. There, I said it.
Mr. McClung: More mail for you, Sue. But I think there might be some... some hate mail mixed in from your editorial on littering.
Sue: Well, Mr. McClung, your station didn't hire me because I was yella. Not everyone's going to have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage.
Sue: Well, I typed these up for you ladies, requiring your signature, tendering your resignation from the Glee Club. Oh, and Brittany, here's a note for you, handwritten and in crayon from the Human Cannon, saying how much it misses you.
Quinn: Coach, that cannon is gonna get Brittany killed. Is that really worth it just to win a stupid national championship?
Sue: Seventh consecutive stupid national championship.
Quinn: This is ridiculous.
Sue: You had quite a year last year, Q. And as I recall, you didn't have such a good time out of that Cheerios! uniform. Ladies, I am giving you the chance, right now, to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie. Choose the Cheerios!, or choose the Glee Club.
Terri: Are you trying to have the Glee club killed?
Sue: Or kidnapped and killed.
Sue: When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Kleopatra... I was aroused... then furious.
Sue: Shuester! Well played, sir. I underestimated you. Alright, heres what happens now. Im gonna head on down to my condo in boca, brown up a bit, get myself into fighting shape - then Im gonna return to this school even more hellbent on your destruction. Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Shuester; you are about to board the Sue Sylvester express. Destination: HORROR!
Will: I look forward to it, Sue.
Sue: You know, you just woke a sleeping giant. Prepare to be crushed!
Sue: We're dealing with children, they need to be terrified, it's like mothers milk to them - without it their bones won't grow properly
Will: Principal Figgins, I am begging you. Do not let her do this to those kids.
Sue: William, I resent the implication that I don't play by the rules.
Will: You leaked our set list at sectionals, Sue.
Sue: I have no memory of that.
Sue: Kitty is my new head bitch. She's like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic depressive or in and out of a wheelchair.
Sue: If students wish to mourn Finn's passing, they're free to visit the memorial that I erected. I planted a tree in the exact location where I caught Finn and Quinn Fabray fondling each other's breasts.
Will: Come on, Sue.
Shannon: How can you even joke at a time like this?
Sue: Ah, take it easy post-op Michael Chiklis. I'm grieving. And I grieve by insulting those who mean the most to me. It's just a coincidence that's also what I do when I'm not grieving.
Sue: What made you think you could get away with doing this show without my knowledge?
Will: I didn't. I was hoping just to run out the clock until it was too late to stop us.
Sue: Who says I want to stop you? I appreciate how "Rocky Horror" pushes boundaries.
Will: So you're not gonna fight us?
Sue: Perhaps not. I just want to be involved, Will. The arts matter.
Sue: [Looks up sniffing] Oh, hey William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.
Will: Wow Sue. I'm really impressed.
Sue: Yeah well, Madonna is legend. I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer. Strength. Independence. Nobody quite like the material girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hair dresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous.
Will: [undaunted and smiling] I'll see you later Sue.
Sue: [from having "Physical" video posted online] That video has received over a hundred and seventy thousand comments. I took the liberty of printing out a few
Principal: [reading comment] The man in this video looks like the champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester.
Sue: That was particularly hurtful.
Quinn: I wanted to ask you a favor, actually, Coach. I would love to rejoin the Cheerios.
Sue: I beg your pardon?
Quinn: It's my senior year and I want to finish high school in a Cheerios uniform with a national championship. I mean, other than Glee, this was the rest of my high school experience.
Sue: Well, I'm sorry, Q, but that wouldn't be fair to the girls who've been practicing all year long who didn't quit. And if you'll now please get the hell out of my office. I just caught a whiff of hot dog water wafting in from the cafeteria, and I think I'm going to blow some serious chunks.
Sue: Hey, this way, fellas. Let's punch out this wall here. That'll open up the space a little bit.
Will: Sue, what are you doing?
Sue: I can't talk to you now, William. Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here. You see, I have Nationals over the weekend, and I expect to return with a comically large first place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. As soon as you hurry up and lose at regionals, this choir room will become my official trophy annex.
[to the Drafting students]
Sue: You know what it has to look like? Elvis' gold record room at Graceland. Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.
Will: Sue, get out of my room.
Sue: Glee Clubbers, for those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Acutane, listen up. In a few weeks, Glee Club will be finished. Now, how do I know that? Well, I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you're 40-1 underdogs at regionals. You are going to lose, and your dreams will be crushed.
Will: Sue, can I see your trophy?
Sue: Sure, Will. Hope and dream.
[taking the trophy, he hurls it against the wall]
Will: You dropped your trophy, Sue.
Will: What happened to Figgins?
Sue: Well, you need to start listening to the news, William. A particularly virulent strain of monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo, where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud, bisexual primates, not unlike your very Glee Club.
Will: Okay, look, Sue. If you're back, let's bury the hatchet.
Sue: I won't be burying any hatchets, William, unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin. You humiliated me.
Will: You did this to yourself, Sue. All I did was enjoy watching it happen.
Sue: Yeah, well, enjoy this, William. Now that I am back and my position is secured, I will not stop until you are fired and your little Glee Club is annihilated into oblivion.
Will: Bring it.
Sue: Oh, I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna bring? I'm gonna bring some Asian cookery to rub your head with. 'Cause right now, you got enough product in your hair to season a wok.
Will: [singing "Tell Me Something Good" to Sue] So... you feel anything there?
Sue: No.
Will: Was I... too dirty?
Sue: I didn't notice. I was bored.
Sue: It's as barren as me in here, Will. Moving on to greener pastures?
Will: Did you just come to gloat, Sue?
Sue: Mostly.
Will: Well... congratulations. You got what you wanted. I should shake your hand.
Sue: Not unless you got some hand sanitizer. I've seen that car you drive. I don't want to catch poor.
Will: Explain something to me. Maybe we weren't good enough yet to beat Vocal Adrenaline. Fine. But we were so much better than Aural Intensity.
Sue: Oh, William, I can't reveal how the voting went down. That would betray my sacred oath as judge or something. The results simply show the other clubs to be more deserving.
[flashback, with Sue narrating in voiceover]
Sue: All I can say is casting my vote was easy. It reflected exactly how I felt in my heart about which team should win.
[she votes for New Directions for first place]
Bryan: I did a little research, Sue. Did you know that studies have shown that reading Shakespeare might help kids learn physics? That singing helps you learn pitch, which makes learning a foreign language easier? That when a kid picks up a clarinet or a trumpet, every region of the cerebral cortex is stimulated?
Sue: Well, that's all very interesting, but did you know that a third of American teenagers are obese, and only 2% of high schools require any form of daily physical activity? Where's your outrage about that, Mr. Ryan? Sports teach kids how to work together, teaches problem solving and social skills, it improves attendance, not to mention grades, particularly among those students deemed most at risk.
Bryan: You've done your homework.
Sue: I'm an educator. Now, I realize my methods are unconventional, but my record speaks for itself. Is it a tad over the top to bill the district for skydiving lessons to have the Cheerios parachuted onto the football field? Perhaps. But what I do here makes a difference.
Bryan: Sue, you're an impressive woman. I can't tell you how much you turn me on right now. You ever heard of the term "anger sex"?
Sue: It's the only kind I know, Bryan.
Bryan: I should tell you I'm married.
Sue: Not a problem for me.
Bryan: And I'm still cutting half your budget.
Sue: Eh, you win some, you lose some.
Bryan: Should I lock the door?
Sue: No. Got a secret room upstairs. Like Letterman.
Sue: [Quinn and her friends are planning to join Glee Club] You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within.
Quinn: And I'm going to get my boyfriend back.
Sue: I don't care so much about that.
Sue: [Picking out the minority glee kids] Santana! Wheels! Gay kid! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! Shaft!
Sue: Take a good look, William. Because Sue Sylvester's got two things to show you. To my left, I have one confetti cannon. To my right, you'll find another confetti cannon. You know what this means?
Will: No, Sue.
Sue: We got Beiste fired. And my full budget is restored.
[taking out a remote control, she presses a button and the cannons fire confetti everywhere]
Will: Wait, what?
Sue: Well, actually she quit. But I'll take the "W". And it was your kids that made it happen, Will. It finally occurred to them to stop singing all that nonsense about how awesome it is to be alive or ugly or whatever the point is you guys are always trying to make. And instead? They just got mean. Congratulations, Will.
Will: Wait. Coach Beiste quit?
Sue: I believe I just said that, Annie Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm? And now, if you'll excuse me, and if you wouldn't mind just cleaning all this up, that'd be great.
Sue: [voiceover] This is not happening. The cruel, slow-motion laughter is just your imagination. You're Sue Sylvester, legend. They're not laughing at you because your "Physical" video. Just calmly pour yourself a cup of joe and focus. Wait, what's that smell? Dear god, that's coffee. It's usually masked by the smell of fear. Sweet merciful Lord, this is happening! You're being laughed at in slow motion by a roomful of inferiors whom you used to terrify.
Quinn: You're a hypocrite.
Sue: Excuse me?
Quinn: I just heard that you got Glee Club's amateur status revoked over a mattress. While you are constantly showering the Cheerios with swag. I've gotten free shoes, complimentary tanning, haircuts. The season tickets to Cedar Point, we sold those on eBay. For a profit. Seems to me that if Figgins found out, you would get banned from competition.
Sue: Fine. You're back on the Cheerios. I'll put you on full-time dry cleaning duty and shove you to the back of the photo to hide your shame.
Quinn: I'm not finished. Glee Club get a full page photo.
Sue: That's not up to me.
Quinn: You are giving up one of the Cheerios' *six* pages and you are giving it to the Glee Club free of charge.
Sue: You know, Q, I'd forgotten just how ruthless you really are. You're like a young Sue Sylvester. Now get out of my office. If you can manage to squeeze through the door without your water breaking all over my new carpet.
Quinn: [turning to leave, then stopping] You know what? I don't think I want to be a Cheerio after all. I don't want to be on a team where I only appear to belong. I'd rather be a part of a club that's proud to have me, like Glee Club.
Kurt: Coach Sylvester, can I have just a minute of your time?
Sue: What do you want, ladyface?
Kurt: You're aware a tape was leaked onto the Internet, causing you to become a national laughingstock? We stole the tape from your syringe and pill drawer. We posted it online. We'll accept whatever punishment you see fit.
Sue: So it was you. I can't thank you enough.
[Kurt looks around at the others, confused; cut to them in a classroom]
Artie: She wasn't angry at all. It was weird.
Tina: Maybe the comments online have gotten so mean, people have started to feel sorry for her. She's finally getting some sympathy, so she's in a forgiving mood.
Kurt: You know, when you call me "Lady", that's bullying. And it's really hurtful.
Sue: I'm sorry. I thought that was your name. As an apology, I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain, and Tickle-Me Doughface.
Kurt: I guess I'll go with Porcelain.
Sue: Damn. Totally wanted Tickle-Me Doughface.
Sue: Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without written consent from the president of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!
Principal: Oh, Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without two confetti cannons.
Sue: You think your kids can manage life without their daddy?
Will: We're barely surviving on the budget we have. Slashing the Glee budget by ten percent, cutting our transportation to and from events is like cutting our legs off.
Sue: Your resentment... is delicious.
Related Content You May Interest
Movies & TV Shows
Top 20 Quotes From Bob's Burgers
150 Best Will & Grace Quotes
Top 800 Quotes From Saturday Night Live
Top 50 Quotes From Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
50 Best The 40 Year Old Virgin Quotes
The Best Velma Quotes
500 Best 7th Heaven Quotes
500 Best Desperate Housewives Quotes
Top 100 Quotes From Shrek Forever After
The Best The Good Fight Quotes
Top 600 Quotes From Arrested Development
700 Best Two and a Half Men Quotes
Characters & Artists
250 Best Rachel Berry Quotes
300 Best Lea Michele Quotes
Top 300 Quotes From Will Schuester
Top 300 Quotes From Matthew Morrison
100 Best Santana Lopez Quotes
100 Best Naya Rivera Quotes
50 Best Mercedes Jones Quotes
50 Best Amber Riley Quotes
Top 30 Quotes From Sam Evans
Top 30 Quotes From Chord Overstreet
Top 30 Quotes From Blaine Anderson
Top 50 Quotes From Darren Criss
The Best Mike Chang Quotes
20 Best Harry Shum Jr. Quotes
Top 200 Quotes From Finn Hudson
200 Best Cory Monteith Quotes
Top 50 Quotes From Emma Pillsbury
50 Best Jayma Mays Quotes
100 Best Quinn Fabray Quotes
Top 100 Quotes From Dianna Agron
Top 30 Quotes From Principal Figgins
30 Best Iqbal Theba Quotes
20 Best Terri Schuester Quotes
20 Best Jessalyn Gilsig Quotes