The Best The Office, Season 5, Episode 3 Quotes

Michael: So this is Astird.
Jan: Astrid.

- And I'm treating Ryan the same way. Of course. Yeah.
Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace.
- They're always complaining.
- I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry.
- Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too?
- Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Michael: You know what, Phyllis? I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because, if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

- Okay. Don't date Holly.
- That's... I hate her.
[Laughs] Why? God, why would you even ask me to...
- I mean, not that it matters, 'cause
- I don't, but... okay. All right. Fine.
- Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll... I'll see you soon.
- All right. Okay.

- Don't you know that? What?
- Michael, I need your help.
- I was just going to...
- I was going to talk to
- Holly about her hygiene.
- She smells like old tomatoes and dirt.
- Come on.
- I like to call this the bumper test.

Jim: [Interview, next to a whiteboard diagram] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through...
[draws a question mark]
Jim: delusion.

Michael: If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. It actually, probably, it would be a better... screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

- Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.
- I do enjoy being the head of the party planning committee.
- I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.
- Hey. Hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them.
- I'm sorry. Make the party.
- Don't... make the party, please, Phyllis.

Michael: Ready to play some games? Let's do it!
Kevin: Michael, the baby's already been born.
Michael: Yeah, duh...
Kevin: So, we had games planned, but the baby ruins all of them.
Michael: [angrily] No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin. Okay? The baby... multiplies the fun. Let's just... do what you were going to do.
Kevin: Okay... who wants to guess when the baby will be born?

Andy: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
[Angela rolls her eyes]
Jan: Well actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing.
Angela: You gave birth in a *tub*?
Jan: Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb...
Kelly: Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything?
Jan: Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.
[smiles]
Creed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed: [shakes his head] Ugh...
Stanley: I'm done.
[walks out]
Oscar: Me too.
[follows Stanley]

Dwight: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.

Michael: [whispering] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life, and in the office, As...
Jan: -trid.
Michael: -trid Levinson! Hi!
[holds Astrid up]
Michael: Astrid, this is everybody. Look! This is your family!
[Kevin waves, Dwight smiles]
Michael: You're going to know them for the rest of your life!
Jan: Well...
Michael: Well, he may not be here.
[indicates Creed]
Michael: Say hello! Okay, here we go. Lion King!
[lifts Astrid over his head]
Jan: Woah, Michael Michael MICHAEL!

Jan: [wakes up on couch] Oh, I was just catching up on my sleep.
Holly: I can imagine!
Jan: ...Where's Astrid?
Holly: Oh, I think she's on a sales call.
Jan: On a what?
Holly: [holds hand like a phone] "Wahhh, more paper! Wahhh!"
[giggles as Jan stares blankly]
Holly: No, she's just uhh, on a coffee break.
Jan: [sarcastically] That's funny.
Holly: ...She's with Angela.

- Okay. Yes. Ready?
[Screaming] Okay.
- Coming! Here we go!
- God. Wow, what was on that?
- Butter. Newborns are slippery.
- Nice touch. Good.
- Let's try that again.
- This is going to be the happiest day of my life.

- Why, Darryl? Because I'm quote "white" quote, unquote?
- Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby.
- Well... you feel connected to his baby over there?
- It's... that's different.
- You feel connected to this?
- That's not a baby. You want to hold me, see how you feel?
- Could I? No.