20 Best Victoria Jackson Quotes

Jackie: I broke a bed once, masturbating.
Bob: Of course, I was watching.

Doctor: Now, if you take my advice, you both get in your car and drive away from this sketch just as fast as possible.
Young: But, what about, eh... what about you?
Young: [quietly] Doctor, what about...
Doctor: Oh, Ill be fine, I'm in another sketch over there and it's much, much better than this one.

Victoria: There has been so much terrorism in the news lately that I'm shocked when I go out on the streets and I'm not blown up.

Audrey: Agent Cooper.
Dale: Audrey. Did you dig up any new leads at the perfume counter?
Audrey: I quit that job as soon as I found out that Leo did it.
Leo: That's right. I'm the one.
Dale: [walking over to Leo] I'm talking to Audrey.
Leo: I got pictures, see?
[pulls his wallet out of his pocket]
Leo: Here's me, about to kill her. Here's me killing her. Here's me wrapping her in plastic.

Beldar: I had a smiliar experience, Connie. When I was your age, an elderly Remulakoid touched my cone... Then, to make matters worse, he showed me his flopzoid. I informed no one. The vision of that flapzoid haunts me to this day...
Connie: I love you daddy.
[they embrace]

Cindy: [trying to remember which Woody Allen movie she has seen] I think it was in black and white, but, ehm, I remember it in color.
David: [turns to the camera] I feel guilty making her think so much.

Nat: Rough childhood? You had a rough childhood? I'll tell you about rough childhood. I'll tell you about a boy that was born in Alabama. Father was a sharecropper, mama was a maid for homeless white people. But that didn't bring him down. That did not bring that boy down. Today that boy is in showbusiness, and he's a big star.
La: Is that you, Nat?
Nat: No, that's not me, that's Slappy White.

Eagleboob: The next man who tries that will be vaporized. I'm serious, they don't call me Eagleboob for nothing!

Victoria: Before I review tonight's movie, I would like to explain my movie ratings system. Four stars is a pretty good movie. Not the best, but it's well worth watching in my opinion. Three stars is the best. Rush out and see this movie, they don't make 'em any better. Two stars is the worst. Don't waste your time or your money, it's bottom of the barrel. And one star is pretty good, too. Now, the movie that I'll be reviewing tonight is called Three Men and a Baby and I give it fifteen stars. Thank you.

Mrs. Blanston: And, eh, today I found out that our house was mistakenly made out of exploding wood...

Peter: So, bacteria are everywhere, but we can't see them. Like say... Heather Thomas' breasts?
Karen: Yeah... em... would you like to look at them?
[indicating a series of microoscopes]
Peter: Well yes, but I hardly know Heather and I certainly...
Karen: No, the bacteria!

Penny: Hello, I'm Penny LeBlanc and if you have a problem or a question or you just want someone to talk to, pick up the phone, because we're taking calls right now, on "Point Blank"!

Victoria: [analyzing Dumb Blonde jokes] What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Goes home. Well, of course you go home, you have to change your clothes before you go to work.

Penny: Wayne, you're at the top of your profession, how did you get there?
Wayne: Well, hockey is different from marketing; it's more of a sport.

Announcer: On the outer reaches of our galaxy spins the planet Estrogena, where evolved an advanced race of women: Planet ofthe Enormous Hooters!
Queen: Bring the deformed one to me!
Courtier: Queen Zarma, your Exalted Fullness. We have brought the prisoner.
Courtier: Look! Her breasts are so small, they look like melons!
[both courtiers and the Queen laugh out loud]
Prisoner: Oh, please don't belittle me.
[more laughter]
Queen: Ah, you are a disgrace to our planet. I hereby banish you to the planet Earth, where your undersized breasts will go unnoticed, and you may live the rest of your life in anonymity. Take her to the spaceshipette, she disgusts me!
Prisoner: No, no! Please reconsider!
Announcer: Tune in next week for Planet of the... Enormous Hooters!

Reporter: I was covering the New England Patriots for the Boston Herald Tribune...
Football: So, she's in the locker room. I drop my towel and say, "Step up to the mike...
Reporter: And, uh... it was about three months later...
Football: We were married.

Lady: Why, Bootblack. I see that the master's footwear isn't the only thing you've buffed to a high gloss!
Bootblack: What?
Lady: You know what I mean...
Olivia: Odd remark, from one so close to being in the buff herself!

Victoria: Eh, I didn't write this, a writer wrote it. I just want people to think I'm smart...
Weekend: Oh, w-well we do, Victoria, we think you're smart...
Victoria: No you don't, don't patronize me, whatever that means.

Victoria: My second secret is: A lot of men ask me, "How do you like it?" And I say, "Like what?" And they say, "You know. Your sex." And I say, "My sex, like being a woman? Or like, having sex?" And they say, "The second one." And I say, "I forgot. Which one was the second one?" And they say, "Victoria, don't do that stupid character." And I say, "I'm not doing a character." And they get mad and walk away.

Elliot Waxman : I want you to keep that book to remember me by.
Shannon: But... where are you going?
Elliot Waxman : The only place I can go... the Netherlands.