The Best Various Quotes

Penny: Hello, I'm Penny LeBlanc and if you have a problem or a question or you just want someone to talk to, pick up the phone, because we're taking calls right now, on "Point Blank"!

Victoria: [analyzing Dumb Blonde jokes] What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Goes home. Well, of course you go home, you have to change your clothes before you go to work.

Victoria: Eh, I didn't write this, a writer wrote it. I just want people to think I'm smart...
Weekend: Oh, w-well we do, Victoria, we think you're smart...
Victoria: No you don't, don't patronize me, whatever that means.

Penny: Wayne, you're at the top of your profession, how did you get there?
Wayne: Well, hockey is different from marketing; it's more of a sport.

Jackie: I broke a bed once, masturbating.
Bob: Of course, I was watching.

Mrs. Blanston: And, eh, today I found out that our house was mistakenly made out of exploding wood...

Victoria: Before I review tonight's movie, I would like to explain my movie ratings system. Four stars is a pretty good movie. Not the best, but it's well worth watching in my opinion. Three stars is the best. Rush out and see this movie, they don't make 'em any better. Two stars is the worst. Don't waste your time or your money, it's bottom of the barrel. And one star is pretty good, too. Now, the movie that I'll be reviewing tonight is called Three Men and a Baby and I give it fifteen stars. Thank you.

Announcer: On the outer reaches of our galaxy spins the planet Estrogena, where evolved an advanced race of women: Planet ofthe Enormous Hooters!
Queen: Bring the deformed one to me!
Courtier: Queen Zarma, your Exalted Fullness. We have brought the prisoner.
Courtier: Look! Her breasts are so small, they look like melons!
[both courtiers and the Queen laugh out loud]
Prisoner: Oh, please don't belittle me.
[more laughter]
Queen: Ah, you are a disgrace to our planet. I hereby banish you to the planet Earth, where your undersized breasts will go unnoticed, and you may live the rest of your life in anonymity. Take her to the spaceshipette, she disgusts me!
Prisoner: No, no! Please reconsider!
Announcer: Tune in next week for Planet of the... Enormous Hooters!

Peter: So, bacteria are everywhere, but we can't see them. Like say... Heather Thomas' breasts?
Karen: Yeah... em... would you like to look at them?
[indicating a series of microoscopes]
Peter: Well yes, but I hardly know Heather and I certainly...
Karen: No, the bacteria!

Cindy: Okay... what if we call ourselves... the Super Winners!
Teacher: Now see, that's really dumb.
Cindy: That was my moms idea...
Male: Allright, allright, lets compromise: the Flaming Eagles!
Female: No!
Cindy: The Sculptors!
Female: What about the Covergirls?
Craig: Doors?
Male: The Flaming Mafia!
Cindy: Oh, what is that... the Titanics!
Craig: No, the Rambo's!
Female: I don't see what's wrong with the Capybaras, you guys!
Male: The Snipers!

Reporter: I was covering the New England Patriots for the Boston Herald Tribune...
Football: So, she's in the locker room. I drop my towel and say, "Step up to the mike...
Reporter: And, uh... it was about three months later...
Football: We were married.

Tipper: [during Campaign '92: The Race To Avoid Being The Guy Who Loses To Bush] My husband is with our kids at a gay porno theater.

Eagleboob: The next man who tries that will be vaporized. I'm serious, they don't call me Eagleboob for nothing!

Nat: Rough childhood? You had a rough childhood? I'll tell you about rough childhood. I'll tell you about a boy that was born in Alabama. Father was a sharecropper, mama was a maid for homeless white people. But that didn't bring him down. That did not bring that boy down. Today that boy is in showbusiness, and he's a big star.
La: Is that you, Nat?
Nat: No, that's not me, that's Slappy White.