Top 150 Quotes From Nick Bakay

Sabrina: Oh, no. I gotta get to school.
Salem: Some people just don't know how to enjoy being sick.

Sabrina: Salem, There are five bottles here.
Salem: That's very good, Sabrina. Now, what colour is the tablecloth?
Sabrina: No. I brewed six. Where's the last bottle of talent?

Salem: For one kiss I will let you know that embarrassment is cross-referenced in the magic book under Gerald Ford
Sabrina: Hey, thanks, Salem!
Salem: Wait, I didn't do that right.

Sabrina: Just gather round the jack-o-lantern and remember, the true meaning of Halloween is inside you. Right Salem?
Salem: There's a pound of candy corn inside me.

Salem: Man! This house is so spotless and germ free Howard Hughes could live here!
Hilda: Zelda, if we could market this stuff, we'd make a fortune!
Salem: Good luck! The FDA will never approve of ostrich saliva. Those pencil pushing bureaucrats have ruined many a dream.
Hilda: Well, we could still sell it in the Other Realm. What do you say, Zeldy?
Zelda: No. I made this formula to cure allergies and end suffering, not to whiten.
Hilda: You ever cleaned a toilet? That's suffering! Besides, you said it didn't even cure allergies.
Zelda: Yet! Medical breakthroughs take time, get off my back! This is why Pasteur broke up with you!
[Leaves]
Hilda: He told me he had to work out stuff with his Mother!
Salem: You gotta hand it to Zelda. She's a pillar of integrity.
Hilda: Yeah. Let's steal her formula!

Zelda: Hi, honey. How was your tea?
Sabrina: Pretty average, you know. There was music, little sandwiches, tea, of course. Oh, and I got my quizmaster fired.
Salem: What kind of sandwiches?

Zelda: I've done it! I'm on the verge of one of the biggest scientific breakthroughs in the history of mankind.
Salem: How incredible!
[to Sabrina]
Salem: You gonna finish that toast?
Zelda: You know that formula I've been working on? I found the key ingredient.
Sabrina: Liquorice?
Zelda: Oh, don't be silly, Sabrina, liquorice won't cure allergies. It's ostrich saliva.
Hilda: [to Sabrina] The hard part is getting them to drool. Give me that.
[Reaches for Zelda's beaker, which smashes on the floor; the entire room is suddenly spotless]
Sabrina: Wow! One drop of that and the whole kitchen is spotlessly clean!
Hilda: I'll say! The walls, the table, the counters...
Sabrina: Salem!
Salem: [Salem has turned completely white] I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped twenty points.
Zelda: [Pointing at Sabrina, Hilda and herself] Blonde, blonde, blonde.
[Pointing at Salem]
Zelda: Dead.

Sabrina: [Sabrina has returned home to find a morbidly obese Salem lying on her bed] Salem, what happened to you?
Salem: [about Hilda's pampering and overindulging him] The good life. La dolche vita, baby!
Sabrina: I'm surprised that the good life doesn't come in the low fat version.
Salem: I think *I* carry it well.
Sabrina: [about Salem's weight gain] I don't think you can carry it out of this room.

Salem: I hate the politics but Brustien on the theatre is a revaluation.

Sabrina: Sure, it's a little weird, but, you know, moving between two houses has its upside. I hear travel broadens you.
Salem: [crying] I'm a latchkey kitty.

Quizmaster: Concentrate. You are no longer a physical being. You are a fluid entity. You are water.
Sabrina: Hey, I did it.
Quizmaster: Yes, you did. And it only took you four weeks.
Salem: Am I the only one thinking we should have purchased some rubber sheets?

Salem: [to Hilda] Before you start pointing fingers, remember one important fact: Sabrina put me up to it.

Salem: [wired couch with electricity] Come on, Red! It's payback time!
Morgan: Good kitty! Not on the furniture.
[picks him up]
Morgan: And for being so good, I'm gonna give you an extra-special treat!
Salem: And I'm gonna help them pull you down off the moon!
Morgan: You can join me on the couch.
Salem: [dismayed croak] What?
Morgan: Now I'm gonna get some popcorn for me, and some liver treats for you. I'll be right back.
[as Salem struggles to avoid being put on the couch: ]
Morgan: It's all right. Momma says it's okay to be on the furniture right now.

Salem: [speaking to a dog - subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen which read; go get me the meat of the...] Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof, oh shoot i forgot the word for floor, oh yeah, woof

Salem: [referring to Christmas tree decorating] Oh, I see. First you kill the tree, and then you humiliate it.

Quizmaster: Turning yourself into fire, water and wind is one of the hardest things a witch has to learn.
Salem: For me, it was learning when to say no to pie.

Hilda: [Hilda and Salem have made a commercial for their new cleaning product] Here it comes!
Hilda: [On TV, holding up a stone] This dungeon stone is white, but what would you call this one?
[Holds up a whiter stone]
Salem: Bright!
Hilda: Exactly! And that's why, for the next twenty minutes, we'll be telling you how you can get your house this clean with new Scientist-in-a-Drum!
Salem: And now, here's Bruce Jenner to tell you more.

Shelley: You're a cat?
Salem: Technically.
Shelley: Who's your friend?
[whipping off Salem's friend's hat]
Shelley: A mannequin! How long were you expecting this to fool me?
Salem: Another 30 seconds.

Salem: [to Hilda] Are you gonna finish that potato morsel on your collar?

Sabrina: I get to vote. I get to vote.
Salem: And I don't.
Hilda: Salem, you're a convicted felon.
Zelda: Not to mention a cat.
Salem: But I wanted to vote to change the pronunciation of Friday to "Fridyah".

Salem: Sabrina, where are you?
Sabrina: [as a cat] Next to you. In a cage.
Salem: Salem, this is awful. If I can't point, I can't turn myself back. What was that?
Salem: What?
Sabrina: There's something in here with me.
Salem: What?
Sabrina: Oh, it's just my tail.

Zelda: All a little too easy, I smell a rat.
Salem: Ooh, a Rat! Oh, wait, I had rat for lunch.

Zelda: Okay... do you know where to call in case of an emergency?
Salem: THE MONEY STORE?
Zelda: Salem!
Salem: Yes... I've got your pager number.

Salem: And I learned a valuable lesson. Whenever there's a crisis, I can depend on you guys to turn on me.

Salem: Look at all these losers.
Sabrina: Hey, you better behave yourself.
Salem: I will.
Sabrina: You always say that, but... If people see me talking to my cat, they'll think I'm nuts.
Salem: Look around.
Haley: [to her cat] Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Andrew: [to his cat] You wanna be a winner, think like a winner.
Sabrina: Okay, we can talk all we want.

Salem: [re Sabrina's new curvaceous figure] If you're here, who's co-hosting the Country Music Awards?
Roxie: [enters, with Morgan following] Sabrina, can we...?
[sees that red dress and ample figure]
Roxie: Wow! What's up with this get-up?
Sabrina: Oh, well, uh, Roxie, I would expect you of all people to know. I have adopted this outrageous look to make a statement about society's unreasonable expectations of female beauty.
Morgan: Oh, she's telling women to be prettier.
Roxie: No, Morgan, it's a feminist protest. Way to go, sister,
[really getting into it]
Roxie: Burn your bra!
Sabrina: [looking down wryly at her enhanced cleavage] Yeah, well, if I did, you could see the smoke in Baltimore.

Salem: That's awful. I hate prejudice. Do you know how many women have rejected me just because I have four legs and a tail? It's wrong, I tell ya! Why don't they care about what's inside?
Sabrina: Salem, what's on the inside of you, is a selfish, misogynistic pig.
Salem: Hey, pigs are people too!

Sabrina: So where's my present?
Salem: It's more of a promise than a present.
Sabrina: No present?
Salem: Wait, you'll like it. I promise to appreciate you and respect your privacy.
Sabrina: From now on?
Salem: Er, no, for like a week.
Sabrina: That's it?
Salem: Okay, 10 days but that's my final offer.
Sabrina: Deal!

Sabrina: I have to get that carafe.
Salem: Yes, and be careful, 99.
Sabrina: What?
Salem: You are so young.

Coolio: So, erm, well, are you guys um coming to the concert?
Salem: It says it's sold out, can you get me tickets?
Coolio: Sorry, I'm just an alley poster, try a bill board.

[a spell turns Salem blonde]
Salem: I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped 20 points!
Zelda: [pointing to each of the Spellman women] Blonde, blonde, blonde.
[points at Salem]
Zelda: Dead.

Salem: Let's face it. Classical music isn't the gravy train it used to be.
Zelda: It's not like the golden age. Vienna in the 1700s. In those days there were more orchestras than consumption wards.
Salem: And you were never ostracized for eating a dead rat in public.

Sabrina: I went to a bad movie and a 99-cent store with Valerie and for that I have to miss a free concert?
Salem: Oh, I'll feel sorry for you tonight when I'm sleeping in my wicker basket by those old paint cans.
Sabrina: I can't believe Zelda. Where does she get off holding me to what I agreed to?
Salem: What is that famous expression? "If at first you don't succeed, try another aunt."
Sabrina: Doesn't sound very honest.
Salem: You want honest or do you wanna go out and bleed from your ears with Harvey?

Sabrina: Salem, do you think the council will grant the time reversal?
Salem: I'm the wrong witch to ask. They weren't very lenient with me. Sentenced to 100 years as a cat, and for what?
Sabrina: I don't know. For what?
Salem: Oh, like any young kid, I dreamed of world domination. Of course, they really crack down when you act upon it.
Sabrina: Wow. No wonder you're so possessive of the sofa.
Salem: Mm. It would have been glorious. Me, as the firm but just emperor of Earth. Trust me, being a house pet wasn't even plan B.
Sabrina: Come on, it's not that bad. You take 5,000 naps a day.
Salem: I can't go dancing. I can't play squash. The sound of the can opener is the only thing that makes me feel truly alive.
Sabrina: Salem? Would you like your rubber mouse?
Salem: Please.

[first lines]
Sabrina: [Salem groans] Whoa, did you just sigh, or are you sitting on an accordion?
Salem: I think I see a grey hair.
Sabrina: What?
[rushes to mirror]
Sabrina: Darn, you know, I knew this job would age me. You know, I'm two weeks away from a blue rinse and bunion pads.
Salem: The grey hair is on me. Don't you think of anyone besides yourself?

Salem: Halt. You're stuffing my salmon into your book bag. That red, flaky sockeye is all I have to live for.
Sabrina: Sorry, Salem. The clubs at school are collecting canned goods for the food drive.
Salem: You know, Sabrina, charity begins at home. In fact, in my mind, it begins in the cat dish.

Salem: And once I controlled Eurasia, I was going to advance on...
Sabrina: Oh, Salem, can you hold that thought? I'll be right back; I gotta get some more milk.
Salem: Stay where you are. You're a witch. Look under the M's.
Sabrina: [flipping through her spellbook] Wow, magic milk!
[pointing her finger at her glass, it refills itself]
Sabrina: Cool, it worked! Hey, I could get used to this magic.
Salem: [she starts to take a sip] Hey, share!

Harvey: A penny saved is a penny earned.
Salem: Don't eat the yellow snow.

Salem: [bandage and plasters] What do I care? I got beat up by a rat. He humiliated me.
Sabrina: I thought you said you gave him a licking?
Salem: I did, but not in a macho way.

Sabrina: You were reading my diary again!
Salem: Yes and it's duller than dish water...

Zelda: What's the matter?
Sabrina: What's the matter? I have to be a witch, I have to be a mortal, I have to be a teenager and I have to be a girl all at the same time. That's what's the matter.
Salem: Hey! At least you've still got your thumbs. And a door on your bathroom!

Sabrina: [to her aunts] An arranged marriage? How could you sell me out like that?
Salem: [in fear of Aunt Irma] It was you or the omelet pan. Nice choice.

Salem: [re Sabrina's new figure, as she totters out the room] Oh, she's got what the man wants.

Salem: [comes running down the stairs as a kitten] I found the Fountain of Youth! It's the toilet!

Sabrina: It's so unfair. They can't make me go to the Other Realm.
Salem: They made me a cat. You're messing with the wrong crowd.

Boyd: Well, look at what the magic book can do, this place looks like the Taj Mahal with indoor plummin'.
Salem: Sorry folks, Graceland is closed today.
Maw: You know cat make *real* nice jerky.
[Salem sobs in fear]

Sabrina: Why don't you guys go and I'll stay home with Salem?
Salem: Hey, the whole point of a family vacation is so I can get a vacation from the family. Please, I need some down time.

Hilda: I think I'm turning into wind. I feel a little breeze.
Salem: That's just the life going out of us.

Salem: I'd be more nervous if I weren't so good looking.

Zelda: [Zelda sees what appears to be cans moving by themselves, but is actually an invisible Salem moving them about] Salem.
Salem: Salem's not here.
Zelda: Oh, then he won't want me to open any of those cans for him.
Salem: Oh... wait, here he is now. 'Salem, how 'bout some of that Sockeye?' Love some.

Sabrina: If it was up to them I'd stay in my room and never have fun.
Salem: I'm a house pet, it's hard for me to sympathise.

[last lines]
Muffy: [opening door] Hi, Sabrina.
Sabrina: Muffy, are you all right? I mean, your message was kinda garbled on my machine. Something about a stalker?
Muffy: [handing Sabrina back her cat] I found him pawing through my lingerie drawer.
Sabrina: I'm so sorry. He's a sick, sick animal. But... that'll change once I have him fixed.
Salem: Meow?
[as Sabrina carries him off]
Salem: You... you were joking, right?
[nervous laugh]
Salem: Right?
[she grins with mischievous intent]
Salem: Hey, this isn't the way home!

Salem: I need a plan. What would McGuiver do... y'know... if he were a cat?

Salem: [Sabrina wants to move out, and bewitched cat aims to go along] Our own crib on campus? Keg party!

Amanda: [Sabrina is panicking] What's up with her?
Salem: She's having second thoughts.
Amanda: Oh-ho-ho.
Salem: Mm-hmm.

Salem: No guy wants his girlfriend hanging around with her ex. Trust me, I know these things. I'm a man, turn into a cat, turn into a clown. Oh, kill me now.

Salem: I wanna enjoy something pure. Like harness racing.

Salem: Marigold and Harold are getting a divorce.
Zelda: I don't believe it. Marigold is splitting up with Harold?
Hilda: Oh, this is the best Halloween ever.

Salem: I can't move.
Zelda: Oh, no, is he hurt?
Sabrina: Fatten Up"? This must've fallen off the beanstalk.
Hilda: Oh! Salem, you didn't.
Salem: I did. Well, don't just stand there. Somebody get me a diet soda.

Sabrina: [about the Washing Machine engineer, who has a tail] He can't stay! He has a tail!
Salem: What's wrong with having a tail?

Zelda: Maybe if we're nice to Merlin, he'll feel sorry for us and let us go. So let's not antagonise him.
Hilda: Good plan. Dead magician walking.
Merlin: How is everyone? Got everything you need?
Salem: No, no, we're fine. Now that I think about it, I could use a little freedom.
Merlin: So have you decided to love me again?
Zelda: I'd rather lick a dead seal.
Hilda: Am I the only one who remembers the plan?
Merlin: Excuse me...
Hilda: Oh, shut up, conehead. It can't be done.

Amanda: [smoky explosion] Hey, wanna join me for an emergency trip to Paris for silver hooped earrings?
Sabrina: [waving smoke away] Uh, no, thanks, it already feels like a French bistro in here. Besides, I'm working on an article.
Amanda: Ugh. Snooze.
Salem: Actually not, for a change. You see, this thug night-club owner threatened our little Lois Lame over here...
[Sabrina: ]
Salem: Oh, I hate it when you cut me off!

Sabrina: I don't know what your problem is. It's nice to help people.
Salem: And what nice things have you done lately?
Sabrina: Me? I do nice things all the time.
Salem: Really? Since you got your magical powers, all I've seen you do is change your clothes and make brussel sprouts disappear.
Sabrina: That's not true and I'll prove it. I'll use my magic to do 3 nice things before the end of school today. Easy.
Salem: Not so easy. Before you shoot your little finger off, you'd better consider the consequences or ter-rible things could happen.

Hilda: [Hilda and Salem approach Zelda's lab] The coast is clear! Operation "Find the Allergy Formula, That Also Cleans, Don't Get Caught and Make a Lot of Money" is underway.
Salem: You start looking, and I'll start workin' on a shorter code name.

Sabrina: I'm revising my Christmas wish list. This year I'm hoping for a computer, a mountain bike... Oh, and this great ski jacket I saw at the mall.
Salem: You're not exactly the Little Match Girl, are you?
Zelda: Those sound pretty expensive, Sabrina.
Sabrina: I know. That's why I prepared a list of backup gift ideas in a variety of price ranges. Gotta go. Oh, and you'll note on the bottom, I've listed the times I won't be around, so you can wrap my presents.

Zelda: And, boy, it is really getting cold outside.
Salem: Here's a tip, try wearing clothes.
Zelda: Hey! What happened to my blouse? It was my favourite...
Sabrina: Green silk one?
Zelda: Sabrina, how many times do I have to tell you to ask before you borrow my clothes? Especially when I'm already wearing them.

Sabrina: Salem, any thoughts on what I should go as for Halloween?
Salem: [surveying her outfit] Hmm. Off the top of my head, fashion victim?
Sabrina: [groans] The only thing lamer than that joke are my plans for Halloween.

Sabrina: [to Harvey on the phone after Zelda walks out] You were saying?
Salem: [snickers from inside picnic basket]
Sabrina: One more sec.
[lowers phone and walks over to basket as Salem lifts his head out]
Sabrina: Salem, are you spying on me?
Salem: I'm a cat. I'm curious. So kill me.
Sabrina: Out!
[opens basket and pulls Salem out]
Salem: Fine. I understand the delicacy of the moment.
[Sabrina drops him off outside the kitchen and he runs off, sing-song teasing]
Salem: Harvey and Sabrina, Harvey and Sabrina.

Sabrina: Don't worry, you'll be happy again soon.
Salem: Please! Shelly was the love of my life. What would ever replace her in my heart?
Sabrina: Maybe this'll help.
Salem: A giant ball of yarn! Oh, this is the best ever!
Sabrina: I thought you'd like it.
Salem: Like it? I don't even remember her name!

Salem: As long as you drop everything and stay focused on me, I should be fine.

Salem: Hmm. I knew this day would come. Sabrina, it's time for the talk.
Sabrina: [to herself] Most girls get it from their mothers, I get it from the cat.

Shelley: You wanna talk? You have changed.
Salem: You could say that.

Sabrina: Can you distract a room full of poets?
Hilda: Easy.
Salem: With your clothes on?
Hilda: Oh.

Sabrina: Ah, is it time for Salem to be wormed again?
Salem: No, worse. I have to do community service.
Zelda: It's part of his punishment for attempting global conquest.
Salem: As if being a cat for a hundred years wasn't enough, Zelda had to put me in a pets for prisoners program.
Zelda: I gave you a choice, you could have done highway cleanup.
Salem: Yeah, cats do real well on highways.
Zelda: Stop complaining and get your wormy little butt down stairs in 2 minutes. It's time to pay your debt to society.
Salem: Can't I just write a cheque?

Sabrina: Salem, guard my door so Jenny doesn't go anywhere, okay?
Salem: Hey, dogs guard. Cats watch... and judge.

Wicked: You two are dead meat
[yelling to Sabrina and Harvey]
Salem: Back off lady it's the 90's nobody eats mortals anymore
Wicked: And I'll have kitty for dessert.
Salem: Would you look at the time
[jumps off the beanstalk]
Sabrina: I hope you land on your feet
[yells to Salem as he falls past her]

Salem: Hello, this is your guard speaking. Harvey is at the front door, and send me a sandwich!

Salem: So the next time you're abroad, remember my simple rule, Kielbasa and sauerkraut, yes. Kielbasa and menudo and haggis, no.

Sabrina: [showing off new pair of pink high-heel sandals] These are the most comfortable shoes I've ever had.
Zelda: And stylish.
Hilda: Oh, cobbler?
Salem: [at their beck and call] Yes, ma'am?
Hilda: I'd like five more pairs. One in every color.
Sabrina: Yes, and how are you with matching belts?
Salem: I'll cobble whatever you want. I'm just glad to be home.

Sabrina: You got me kicked out of The Slicery, the one place I had a little privacy.
Salem: Don't talk to me about privacy! I'm the one who has to relieve himself in a box in the middle of the kitchen. D'you know how hard it is to get that far away stare going?
Sabrina: Oh, like anyone's watching.

Hilda: I just haven't turned myself into wind in years.
Salem: Would cabbage help?

Sabrina: I had no idea you could bottle talent.
Salem: Where do you think that expression comes from? A six-pack of refreshing talent, now with the handy twist-top.
Sabrina: Cool. But I won't use it unless it's absolutely necessary.
Salem: Hey, I don't care how you justify it.

Sabrina: This is so humiliating.
Salem: You? I'm wearing pantaloons.

Sabrina: How was jail?
Salem: Not bad, there's a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I'd call the governor and plead his innocence.
Sabrina: See? I told you it was nice to help people.
Salem: Are you kidding? I'm not calling.

Salem: Just spooked a bread truck. The street is full of buns.

Sabrina: I'm so at peace with what's happened between me and the quizmaster. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Salem: And that's why we call this stage denial.
Zelda: Hi, sweetheart. How you feeling today?
Sabrina: I can't believe quizmaster hasn't had the decency to call me after all the mean things he said?
Salem: Welcome, anger.
Zelda: Well, maybe you two just need a little time away from each other.
Sabrina: [toaster dings] Hey, I bet that's a letter from him. Get to the real grovelling parts.
Zelda: No, it's from the Witches' Council. It says they're temporarily out of quizmasters, so you'll have to be home-schooled.
Sabrina: Well, I'm sure you'll be an even better teacher than the quizmaster.
Zelda: I'm afraid I'm too busy substituting to do it. It's your aunt Hilda.
Hilda: You know what we haven't played in a long time? Goofy golf.
Sabrina: No!
Salem: And let's give a big warm welcome to sadness.

Salem: [appears on windowsill, observing her struggling with instant noodles that coagulated] Wow. So they did save Hitler's brain.
Sabrina: [mildly annoyed] What are you doing here?
Salem: I came to party, but I see no signs of bubbly vivacious coeds. No offense.
Sabrina: You have no clue what college life is like today.
[fixes peanut butter sandwiches]
Salem: I come to learn.
[theatrical: ]
Salem: Teach me the ways of your Animal House.
Sabrina: Well, for one thing, they don't let you stay in your own bedroom. My roommate hates me, and expects me to sleep on the couch. I've tried to talk to her, but she won't even open the door.
Salem: Hmm, let's see, what to do? If only you were a witch!
Sabrina: Forget it! If I wanna go to school in the Mortal Realm, I can't use magic to solve every little problem.
Salem: No wonder you're miserable. You're letting these mortals walk all over you.
Sabrina: [settled in on counter, next to him] Are you saying that because you care, or because you wanna party?
Salem: Uh, six of one, but the point is, you've got the gift of magic. Use it or lose it!
Sabrina: Well, I guess if something is really annoying me...
[zaps Salem away]

[last lines]
Salem: [crying as he gets stuck with all the sowing] Wait until PETA hears about this!

Sabrina: No, they called the doctor!
Salem: I was against this plan from the beginning.

Salem: Let's destroy everything that's dear to him. Let's indoctrinate him into the cathedral of agony.
Zelda: I'm gonna write him a very stern letter.
Salem: You're a regular Mad Max aren't ya?

Sabrina: [very concerned about taking the three True Love Tests] Harvey's super cute and I really, really like him but... how am I supposed to know if it's true love?
Salem: Well do you think about him when he's not around?
Sabrina: [concerned] Yeah.
Zelda: [almost in wonder] And does your heart beat faster when you see him walking down the hall?
Sabrina: [concerned] Yeah.
Hilda: [quite cheerfully] And does it bother you when he chews gum?
Sabrina: [less concerned] No.
Hilda: [cheerfully] Then it might be true love!
[Sabrina stands up]
Sabrina: [confident] I'm taking the test.
[pauses]
Sabrina: [concerned] Is it multiple-choice?

Hilda: Yeah, but haven't you ever had a person in your life who you find truly revolting and the thought of them touching you makes you gag but you keep them around because they compliment you?
Salem: That's what they teach in church.

Salem: What are you making?
Zelda: Sugar cookies.
Salem: With bits of liver?
Zelda: No, sprinkles.
Salem: Yuck!

Sabrina: [Sabrina walks into her bedroom dressed as "Jack"] Salem, My man!
Salem: [shocked] Whoa, Adolesence is not sitting well with you!
Sabrina: [picks up Perfume bottle] Gonna walk among the guys, see what makes you tick.
Salem: Freeze!
[Sabrina stops]
Salem: Don't squirt that perfume unless you wanna be a boy who gets beaten up.
Sabrina: [Puts down bottle] Man, that was close.
Salem: It's not enough to look like a dude, you have to start thinkin' like a dude. Picked a name yet?
Sabrina: Kirby?
Salem: We're back to getting beaten up here.

Salem: Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Why can't you act like a normal family and argue on the front lawn?

Amanda: What? I'm playing giddyap with Salem.
Salem: Who is it? Please, someone feed me poison.

Salem: [pretending he doesn't miss Sabrina] Sabrina. Where have I heard that name? Ah, yes, Audrey Hepburn. Wonderful film.

Sabrina: [referring to the repairman] He can't stay. He has a tail.
Salem: What's wrong with having a tail?
Zelda: Sabrina, you aren't a rumpist, are you?
Sabrina: A rumpist? What's a rumpist?
Zelda: Someone who judges others by their rear ends.
Sabrina: No. Okay, not usually. It's not me I'm worried about, it's Jenny.
Zelda: Is she a rumpist?
Sabrina: No, but if she sees a repairman with a tail, she might get suspicious.

Salem: [playing with a tassel on a cushion] Don't you toy with me you saucy minx!

Sabrina: [trying to solve a clue] 'M' plus fire? I've got it! Mfire!
Salem: Right! Mfire! That makes so much sense. Let's use it in a sentence.
[sarcastically]
Salem: Run! Run! The house is on mfire.
Sabrina: I've got a better one. You're mfired!
Salem: You can't mfire me! I mquit!

Sabrina: [seeing Salem asleep on the settee] Oh he had some Friday the 13th.
Zelda: Poor little guy, wore himself out.
Hilda: Oh he looks so peaceful... should we?
Salem: [with a spell cast and a loud air horn blasting, Salem jumps in terror and lands in the light shade] That's okay, I have another 8 lives. 7 after I fall down from here.

Hilda: What's my bra doing on the roof?
Salem: Erm, the squirrels needed a nutfeeder...

Hilda: What is my bra doing on the roof?
Salem: Squirrels needed a nut feeder

Sabrina: I can't stand that place. Pigs aren't very good at making change.
Salem: Who are they kidding with that sneezeguard over the slop bar?

[first lines]
Sabrina: [practicing, with Salem] Aaron, I mean this from the bottom of my heart: I love you.
Salem: [unimpressed] Nice try. I've gotten more emotion out of my car's navigational system.
Sabrina: You know, I knew it was childish to practice on my cat.

Valerie: Gordy, are you even aware that there's a dance on Friday?
Salem: I'll pick you up at 8. What kind of flowers do you like?
Valerie: Surprise me!
Salem: That means roses.

Sabrina: I'm not very good at this. You told me the 23rd time is the charm.
Zelda: You'll learn to control your magic. At the very least, you'll always be able to garnish a ham steak.
Sabrina: One more try. Salem into apple.
Salem: I think that's enough for one night.
Hilda: The cat's right. Wrap it up. You've got school tomorrow.
Sabrina: I'm a witch and I still have to go to school?
Zelda: Mm-hmm.
Sabrina: Unfair! Hey, maybe I'll turn Mr. Pool into...
Hilda: No, now be careful pointing your finger at people. It could be dangerous.
Sabrina: You're pointing at me!
Hilda: I have the safety on.

[first lines]
Sabrina: [packing] Okay, bikini, sunscreen, sandals... What am I forgetting?
Salem: A trusted, loyal cat?
Sabrina: Right. Let me know if you find one.

Salem: As the official watchcat, I order you to get down.
Sabrina: I'm going up, and don't try to stop me, cat.
Salem: You leave me with no choice than to go with you and protect you.
Sabrina: You're afraid of heights.
Salem: Right. Then you leave me no choice than to wish you well.

Salem: I'm a hippie cat!

Salem: How about a palm-sized digital camera? Not for me, but a friend who's fallen on hard times. We'll call him Salem.

Salem: I don't believe it. I just had my credit card yanked.
Sabrina: You have a credit card?
Salem: Yes. I was pre-approved by the good people of the Bank of Newark. Now I'm a little over-extended.
Sabrina: I'm sorry to hear that.
Salem: I appreciate your concern.
Sabrina: No, I was gonna hit you up for a loan.

Sabrina: You know, maybe I shouldn't babysit anymore.
Salem: You think?

[Sabrina enters the room and sees Salem sitting at an open laptop pressing the buttons with a pencil in his mouth]
Sabrina: Salem what are you doing?
Salem: Nothing.
Sabrina: [not convinced] You're in a Chatroom again pretending to be a woman aren't you?
[Sabrina takes the pencil out of Salem's mouth]
Salem: [still looking at the laptop] I like the attention.
Sabrina: [closes down the laptop and packs it away] Well, say goodbye. Harvey's here and you'd better start acting cattier.
Salem: [annoyed] Mean.

Sabrina: I have to find a way to get Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda back together.
Salem: Is there a spell that would force them to share a spleen?
Sabrina: Okay. How about if I find something that they both love and cherish and put it in danger?
Salem: Oh, what are you gonna do to me?
Sabrina: Not you. Me.
Salem: Oh, thank goodness. But I am willing to help. I could push you down the stairs.

Sabrina: I've gotta meet Harvey at The Slicery but now I've gotta change thanks to you.
Salem: Er, since you thanked me, can I ask a favour?
Sabrina: Excuse me, cat? You want a favour?
Salem: Yeah. Can I tag along to The Slicery? I've got a touch of cabin fever and I'd really like to... .
Sabrina: [interrupting] Are you insane? I wouldn't bring you to The Slicery if you were the last person slash cat on Earth.
Salem: Man, what's her problem?
Hilda: You are so self-centred, even for a cat.

Sabrina: 'Let your conscience be your guide.' I hate when they say that, now I have no idea what to do.
Salem: You should consider the pros and cons.
Sabrina: Okay. I use my magic, I win. Without it, I lose. Win, lose. Win, lose. I'm going with win!

Merlin: Why don't you stay a while?
Zelda: How long a while?
Merlin: Until you love me again.
Hilda: How about if I love you?
Salem: Or me? I can be quite tender.

Hilda: Look, Salem, I'm tenderising the beef with my mace. It's a deadly weapon and a handy kitchen tool.
Salem: Oh, please, we've all seen the infomercial.

Sabrina: So I'm pleased to say everyone's moved on.
Salem: Not me. I'm staying put. There's an exciting shaft of light on the ceiling that'll keep me here for the next five hours.

Sabrina: Emerson, Boston College, Other Realm University, backpacking. Salem, how do you make a decision?
Salem: You've come to the right man. When I was a military leader I made life and death decisions every day and one method never failed me. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe...

Salem: Nights like these make me glad I never had kittens.

Salem: [to the two aunts] Wanna really scare people? Leave the house without your makeup!
[gets zapped onto the bicycle with the broken saddle]
Salem: Oh, it pinches! Pinches!
[bicycle zooms out the door]
Sabrina: [sounds of smash] Oh! I think we dented his cat-hood on that Chrysler.

Salem: They take a sip of flat talent, they go flat too.
Sabrina: Great. So I'll just let these go flat, and when I see Harvey and Valerie tonight, they'll drink, and we'll go back to being talentless friends.
Salem: Did you pop one for yourself?
Sabrina: Me? I haven't been affected by having things go my way.
Salem: Oh, please. Little Miss "I'm Too Cool To Do My History Homework."
Sabrina: I had an autograph signing. Okay.

Sabrina: Even if I knew what I wanted to wear, I couldn't pick it out of this mess. - It's full of kibble crumbs.
Salem: Brush them in a pile. I'll eat them later.

Sabrina: You are so weird!
Salem: [nodding] It helps break up the day.

Hilda: Oh I know what I want. Flaun.
[shaking the plate slightly]
Hilda: It's so wiggly.
Salem: I don't know whether to eat it or attack it.

Hilda: Well, Salem, your temperature is alarmingly high.
Salem: I'm really sick?
Hilda: Yes, and that can only mean one thing...
Salem: More attention and sympathy?
Hilda: A nice cold bath.
Salem: What? I'm feeling better. I am not an animal!

Sabrina: I don't believe this. Look! Look!
Salem: Whoa! Who's your friend?
Zelda: It's her first wart as a witch.
Hilda: Oh, let me get the camera.

Salem: Attica! Attica! Attica!
Zelda: Please, I'm trying to concentrate on a new escape plan.
Salem: Well, why don't you try coming up with some decorating ideas for this cell, because we're never leaving?
Hilda: I've got it, the perfect escape plan. It's so simple. I can't believe I haven't thought of it before.
Zelda: What is it?
Hilda: You marry Merlin.
Zelda: What do you think about painting these bars Navajo White?

Salem: This is a girl who has trouble getting to school on time, and she's supposed to deliver millions of presents by tomorrow morning? Am I the only one who sees a problem?
Zelda: You know, Salem, that's an excellent point.
Salem: That's an excellent point. That's an excellent point. That is the last time I point out the flaw in someone's logic.

Salem: You think maybe she's dead?

Sabrina: Then there's a call I have to make.
Salem: Well, you don't have to order me a pizza but make it half sausage, half clams.

[last lines]
Zelda: [interrogating] Mother's maiden name?
Sabrina: Becker.
Hilda: Favorite dessert that doesn't involve chocolate?
Sabrina: There isn't one. How long is this gonna go on?
Zelda: Until we make absolutely sure that you are the real Sabrina.
Hilda: Say whoo-hoo.
Sabrina: [with zing:] Whoo-hoo!
Salem: Impostor!
Sabrina: Back off, fur-ball, or I'm gonna tell Aunt Zelda about the time I caught you in her lingerie drawer trying on her lacy...
Salem: It's Sabrina!

Salem: But why did the cat have to suffer?

Sabrina: A cat show? I can't see you in a cat show.
Salem: Don't you think I'm pretty?
Sabrina: Of course.
Salem: Then get an application. This is our chance for a quick score.
Sabrina: All right. Okay, name, Salem Spellman.
Salem: May I remind you I'm your cat, not your pet. I have my own last name.
Sabrina: You do?
Salem: Saberhagen. Salem Saberhagen.
Sabrina: And what breed are you?
Salem: American Shorthair. And darn proud of it. Write that down. The judges will eat that up.

Zelda: For the last time, when I push, you pull. Got it?
Hilda: Could you be less technical?
Zelda: Oh!
Salem: Keep trimming that tree, and you'll be able to use it in your car as an air freshener.

Salem: Believe it or not, when it comes to the fairer sex, I'm rather shy.
Sabrina: Is that why you had four different species slap you with a restraining order? I promised myself I wouldn't use magic to solve every little problem.
Salem: Right. Then Saturday night we can rent Steel Magnolias and you can give me a flea dip.
[jumps off the bed, leaves]

Sabrina: [practicing by herself] Welcome to Chick Chat. I'm Sabrina Spellman, the world's worst radio host.
Salem: [unexpected audience] You're being kind.
Sabrina: Salem, what are you doing here?
Salem: I'm a nose hair away from being replaced by the hound from hell. I need a shoulder to cry on.
Sabrina: You picked the wrong shoulder.

Sabrina: [smoky explosion in kitchen] Amanda, is that you?
Amanda: [emerging from smoke cloud] Yeah. You know, I've been so bored, I thought I'd come by and hang out with someone cool.
Sabrina: Oh, well, I'm kinda busy right now.
Amanda: Actually, uh, I was talking about Salem. Hey, little buddy.
[goes over to greet him]
Salem: [coughing] This place is smokier than the bathroom in an all-girls school.
Sabrina: Yeah, what's with the flashy entrance? I mean, you may think coming in here in smoke looks cool, but it's a disgusting habit.
Amanda: Ugh, yeah, remind me to start listening again when the PSA is over.
Sabrina: You're right, I'm not your mother. I shouldn't tell you what to do. Oh,put your hair back.
[tries adjusting her niece's hairstyle]
Sabrina: Why hide such a beautiful face?
[Amanda wards her off]

Salem: I'm gonna be tossed out into the snow on my nicely rounded buttocks.

Salem: I feel like a Chippendale's cat.

Zelda: Hilda's still not back from her audition?
Salem: No. That's Spanish for "no."

Salem: We're a very literal species.
Sabrina: Let's hope I never become a bleeding heart liberal.

Salem: Well I have two words for Mr. Tobias, water balloons aimed at his house on the hour every hour. I realize that's more then two words.

Salem: Anybody hungry? I know a decent restaurant around the corner-- The Delhi Lama.

Salem: You know I always get depressed this time of year.
Hilda: Why?
Salem: Well, for one thing, I'M A CAT!

Sabrina: Hey. I don't dump on your lifestyle.
Salem: All I've done all day is eat, sleep and stare off into space. What an awful existence.

Sabrina: What am I gonna do?
Salem: Do what you always do. Go crying to your aunties to bail you out. "Boo hoo hoo. Help me, aunties."
[laughs - then Sabrina zaps his skateboard and he zooms off out the door]

Salem: Dogs guard; cats watch... and judge.