The Best Various Quotes

Dieter: I read somewhere that Marilyn left the show "under a cloud".
Butch: Under a cloud! She was under half the sound crew!
[laughs]

[Wayne is playing Truth or Dare with Madonna]
Madonna: Have you ever made love to two women at the same time?
Wayne: Um... yes?
Madonna: I believe you... not!
Wayne: I might make love to two women at once.
Madonna: Yeah, you might, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!

Middle: God, I don't believe I said that... I sound just like my father...
Wife: You're, you're father?
Middle: Yeah, Retired Man.
Middle: Well... now what's the difference between you and Retired Man?
Wife: I know how to hook up a VCR.

Middle: Retired Man, Independent Widow has defeated me.
Retired: But how?
Middle: Her powers are more helpful than mine. And yet, I am strangely attracted to her in an Angela Lansbury sort of way.

Dieter: Now I am as happy as a little girl.

Wayne: Wayne's World. Wayne's World. Party time. Excellent.

Wayne: [Wayne and Garth are holding "Chick Court"] I object!
Garth: On what grounds?
Wayne: On the grounds I always wanted to do that.
Garth: Sustained!
Wayne: Excellent.
[they high five each other]
Garth: Excellent.

Colleague: Hey, eh, how 'bout some music? Eh, Aerosmith ok with everyone?
Pat: Oh, great. I love "Dude Looks Like a Lady".

Wayne: [Wayne's Top Ten Babes Of All Time] Number nine: Elle MacPherson. She's a MacBabe.
Garth: She's a MacFox.
Wayne: MacSchwing!

Simon: [talking about his father] So you see, I get to see a lot of him, although, sometimes, I think he forgets he has a little boy. But still, he buys me any toy I want. Once, he bought me Action Man, which is like the British version of G.I. Joe, except that Action Man has to serve in Northern Ireland.

Kenneth: Hello, I'm Kenneth Reese-Evans and welcome to another episode of... Theatre Stories. Our guests tonight are Sir William St. John Steven Smythe Kersey, or "Knobby" as he's known at the Old Vic.
Sir: Hello, always a pleasure.
Kenneth: And, our, our next guest is an actress whose 1931 debut at the Royal Shakespeare was described as both Dyonesian and unabashedly insane, I am speaking of course of Dame Sarah Kensington.
Dame: I heard my name. They're calling me again.

Donnie: I'm walkin', I'm talkin'...
Donnie: Macaulay Culkin!

Husband: Where did you get these powers?
Middle: They came to me when I realized my own mortality. You see, there was a time when I wasn't Middle-Aged Man, I was Young Man and my father was Middle-Aged Man and his father was Retired Man.
Husband: Who is your grandfather now?
Middle: Dead Man. But that's another story.

Dieter: Before we begin, would you like to touch my monkey?
Karl: I would be honored.
Dieter: Touch him! Love him! Liebe meine abschmeenkee.

Dieter: Welcome to Love Werks. Lets meet our bachelor. He's a printer from Dresden. His hobbies include appraising antiques and then smashing them. His favorite soccer team is Borussia Mönchengladbach. His body is free from tattoos and he hates his father. Please welcome: Wolfie Schreiber.

Dieter: Hm, you plug your show with the subtlety of a flying mallet.

Lothar of the Hill People: It is written by the ancients but again it is still truth. Women. You cannot walk with them and yet you cannot club them.