Top 20 Quotes From Various

Mr. Subliminal: The Trumps are just two normal people with normal problems. Therapy. Donald's a confused man who should evoke our sympathy and understanding. Cheating bastard. And Ivana, a very sweet and unfortunately heartbroken woman. Had it coming to her. Who was misled into signing an obviously unfair prenuptial agreement. Sucker. And caught up in all of this, eh, in the middle, is a sweet, innocent country girl named Marla Maples. Homewrecker. Who never had a chance, never had a chance to defend herself before the press. Guilty. And who cares, who, who cares where she's hiding out? Atlantic City. Personally, you know, I just don't understand the fascination with her. Breasts.

Franz: Hans, would you ever go up in a rocketship to Mars?
Hans: No, Franz, because then I would be weightless, and that is my worst nightmare.

Kevin: [adding onto a report on the Weekend Update] ... and in addition, two plus two equals four.

Mr. Icheckuponeverybodylikeimtheirmother: Say, you wouldn't be related to, eh, Bob Ibargerightinanytimeifeellikeit, would ya?
Sam: No, no, very common name, though.

Translator: [attempting to translate for Mikhail Gorbachev] Living... lively... lively out of the... new... oh boy, out of New York... Wait, wait, I got it, I got it: Live, out of New York, it's Night, this Saturday!

Michael: Now that is self-esteem! She plays terribly, and yet she feels great about herself, huh!

Franz: Yeah, you better not take off your belt, Mr. Waiter Man, you might cause a Flabbelanche!

["Weekend Update" closing line]
Kevin: I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.

Michael: Before I announce the first runner-up, I wanna emphasise how important she is. Because, should our winner lose her self-esteem, and thus become unable to fulfil her duties, the first runner-up will assume the title of Miss Self-Esteem USA.

Alex: [a clip from the cop show "Smart Street"] Get out of my sight, Lopez, or so help me, I'll kick your rear end up and down this freaking block!
Lopez: Hey man, I don't give a flying damn what you say, it's a bunch of flippin' B.S.!
Alex: Listen, you son of a gun, you know what you are? You're nothing but a little piece of bullcrud. You know what bullcrud is, don't ya? That's what you find in a field after a bull's been there. Now I'm going off to the W.C and when I get back, I want your rump outta here!
Donna: [cut back to the host of "Movers and Shakers"] Wow!
Allen: Now, the network wanted me to take out 'bullcrud' and have Cuchek say 'baloney'. Now, I can't have Alex Cuchek, a streetwize cop, saying 'baloney'. The language of the street is 'bulcrud'.
Donna: Certainly... certainly the streets I know.

George: [laughs] I have no comment other than: 'Encore, more!'.

Kevin: Last year I invested in a home computer to figure out my taxes. They just looked like, you know, it was so easy to use, and fun, but... I'll tell ya, what I discovered: those things are complicated. I couldn't figure out how to use it. I'll be honest with ya, I was... I was having more fun playing in the the box that it came in than the computer, you know. And that took me an hour to figure out. Getting in was easy, getting out was hard. You had to rock it a little bit, you know, and then just roll out.

Sam: Well, I've never seen such a small human before. I guess they're the ones called 'children'.

Kevin: In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.

Hans: You know Patrick, Franz and I are big fans of your work and we think you are you are one of the greatest non-Arnold actors working today.
Franz: Ja.
Patrick: Wow, wow, thank you. That's really nice to hear.
Franz: Ja, and then we understand your film was the highest grossing movie of the year.
Patrick: Yep.
Franz: Even though it lacked a Schwarzeneggerian element.

Kevin: I used to cheat in school and, eh, I find myself still cheating in life. I was at the grocery store last, eh... oh, lets make it last Monday. And eh, I caught myself cheating. You know, I was looking as somebody else's grocery list. And it hurt me, 'cause I got home and I had bought things I couldn't use... like six boxes of tampons, you know? Three jars of baby food. I can't use that.

Panelist: Now, Mr. Amalgamated, did you make this gauge here which controls the temperature in this room?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: For the purposes of this sketch, yes.

Tanny: Hey Tony, would you mind if, if, eh, Svetlana and I use the ladies room?
Tony: Oh, no, no, be, be my guest, but, but you're gonna need a key, though...
Tanny: Oh, okay...
Ivan: Here, here, why don't you use mine.
Tanny: Oh! Oh...
Ivan: Alright, let me see now.
[holds up a bunch of keys and goes through them one by one]
Ivan: Okay, wait a minute, this is the decoding room... you go past that...
Tanny: Hm-hm.
Ivan: This is the shredding room...
Tanny: Okay, aha...
Ivan: Okay, this is Classified Documents... Okay... Winebago... Okay... Alright, here you go, ladies room.

Events: Better yet, how about a battle of amputees fighting each other with their amputated limbs?

Pirate: Did you hear about Blackbeard's mockingbird?
Pirate: No, what?
Pirate: He killed it.
Pirate: Boy, you could've predicted that.
Pirate: Yeah.