50 Best Batman Returns Quotes

Alfred: Let's not forget about repairing the Batmobile. There's certain security to consider. It's not as though we can take it to any old "Joe's bodyshop," is it, sir?
Bruce: Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working and I turn around, there she is. "Oh hi, Vick - come on in."

The: I could really get into this mayor stuff. It's not about power, it's about reaching out to people - touching people - groping people!

Josh: Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?
[he chuckles and the Penguin joins in]
The: Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.
[they both laugh again]
Josh: Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...
[the Penguin bites Josh's nose]

The: [hooking Catwoman onto his trick umbrella, which launches into the air] Goodbye, my unintended; go to Heaven.

The: [while being bombarded by food] Why is there always someone who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?

The: [to Catwoman] You're Beauty and the Beast in one luscious Christmas gift pack.

Selina: Wow, *the* Batman - or is it just "Batman"? Uh, your choice, of course!
[Batman walks away]
Selina: Well, that was very brief. Just like all the men in my life.

Selina: Honey, I'm home. Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.

Selina: [Selina walks Bruce to the elevator] You don't seem like the type who does business with Mr. Shreck.
Bruce: No, you don't seem like the type that takes orders from him.
Selina: Well, that's a... long story.
Bruce: You know, I could... free up some time.
[Bruce walks in elevator]
Selina: I'm listed.
Bruce: I'm tempted.
Selina: I'm working.
Bruce: [Elevator doors close] I'm leaving!

Bruce: The point is, Max, Gotham City has a power surplus. I'm sure you know that. My question is: what's your angle?
Maximillian: Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning.
Bruce: Yeah, well... I'm gonna fight you on this. And I've already spoken to the mayor and we see eye to eye, so...
Maximillian: Mayors come and go. Blue bloods tire easy. You think you can go fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck?
Bruce: Well, I guess we're gonna find out. Course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so it might...
Maximillian: Crime boss? Shows what you know, Mr. to-the-manor-born-with-a-silver-spoon. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy. If his parents hadn't eighty-sixed him, you two might've been bunkies at prep school!

Volunteer: You are the coolest role-model a young person could have!
The: And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have.

The: You didn't invite me, so I CRASHED!

Catwoman: Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.

Bruce: Here's what I want you to do... tell Selina - tell Miss Kyle in there - tell her, uh, tell her I had to go out of town, a big business deal came up or some... no, you know what? Tell her, you know, not in some dumb, "be my girlfriend" kind of way...
Alfred: I will relay the message.
Bruce: Great.
[runs out]
Alfred: Miss Kyle...
Selina: Alfred, hi!
Alfred: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you...
Selina: Mr. Wayne? Oh, Bruce. Yes. Um, would you tell him for me that, uh, I've been going through a lot of changes, and... no. Um, just that this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving. In fact, he makes me feel the way I hope I really am... no! Could you just make up a sonnet or something? A dirty limerick?
Alfred: One has just sprung to mind.
Selina: Thanks!
[runs out]

Bruce: [working on the Batcomputer. Alfred sets down a bowl of soup in front of him. He picks up the spoon and takes a sip, only to spit it out] Cold!
Alfred: It's vichyssoise.
Bruce: [stares, not knowing why it's important]
Alfred: It's *supposed* to be cold.

[the Ice Princess mistakes the batarang for a camera]
The: Say cheese!
Ice: Cheese!
[he throws it at her]

[crouched atop a dazed Batman]
Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for.
Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left.
Batman: I tried to save you.
Catwoman: Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.

[Catwoman is hit]
Catwoman: How could you? I'm a woman.
Batman: I'm sorry, I-I...
[she hits him]
Catwoman: As I was saying, I'm a woman and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch, now so am I.

Catwoman: I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.

Catwoman: I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much yummier.

The: Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!

The: [driving the Batmobile] Maybe this is a bad time to mention this, but my license has expired!

[Shreck sees the Penguin]
The: Hi.
[Shreck opens his mouth several times, but nothing comes out]
The: I believe the word you're looking for is... "Aaahh"!

[addressing a huge flock of penguins]
The: My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish *all* God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd *and* 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun!

Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.
The: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...
[begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on]
The: naked sexual charisma.
Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.
The: Ointment!
[jumps up and picks up two bottles]
The: Scented or unscented?
Catwoman: I'll come back later.

Catwoman: Meow.

[the Penguin creeps up behind Batman and grabs a trick umbrella - only to find it weaponless]
The: Ah, shit... I picked a cute one.
[hurls away the umbrella]
The: The heat's getting to me. I'll murder you momentarily. But first, I need a cold drink of ice water.
[he keels over on the edge of the bank. Six emperor penguins waddle up to the him and slide his body into the water]

Catwoman: Bruce... I would - I would love to live with you in your castle... forever, just like in a fairy tale.
[Batman caresses the back of her head]
Catwoman: [she claws Batman on the cheek] I just couldn't live with myself, so don't pretend this is a happy ending!

The: [to Catwoman] Just the pussy I've been lookin' for!

The: You gotta admit I played this stinkin' city like a harp from hell!

Catwoman: Somebody say fish? I haven't be fed all day!
Batman: Eat floor.
[throws Catwoman down]
Batman: High fiber.

[last lines]
Alfred: Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mister Wayne.
Bruce: Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men... and women.

Catwoman: You poor guys. Always confusing your pistols with your privates.

Selina: It's gonna be a hot time on the cold town tonight.
Bruce: You-you've got kind of a - kind of a dark side, don't you?
Selina: No darker than yours, Bruce.

Maximillian: I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimum of fuss! Money, jewels, a *very* big ball of string.
Catwoman: Your blood, Max.
Maximillian: My blood, I gave, at the office.
Catwoman: A half pint, I'm talking gallons.
Maximillian: Let's make a deal, other than my blood. What can I do for you?
Catwoman: Sorry, Max, a die for a die!

The: I'd like to fill her void.

Selina: How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?

Selina: It's the so-called "normal" guys who always let you down. Sickos never scare me. Least they're committed.

[Shreck shoots Batman]
Selina: You killed me... The Penguin killed me... Batman killed me... that's... three lives down. You got enough in there to finish me off?
Maximillian: One way to find out.
[Shreck fires two shots at Catwoman]
Selina: Four... Five...
[cracks her whip]
Selina: Still alive!
[Shreck fires two more]
Selina: Six... Seven... All good girls go to heaven...
[now within reach of Shreck; he pulls the trigger, but there are no bullets left; she laughs hysterically]
Selina: Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime, how about a kiss, Santy Claus?
[grabs ahold of a power cable and moves towards Shreck with a stun gun and a kiss]

Jen: Our research tells us that voters like fingers.

Selina: Okay, go ahead. Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me.
Maximillian: Actually, it's a lot like that.

Catwoman: It's chilly in here.
The: I'll warm you.

Fat: Penguin... I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little, uh...
[Penguin grabs an umbrella and shoots Henchman dead]
The: No! It's a lot "uh"!
[Kicks Henchman into the water]

[the Circus Gang passes Penguin a large Christmas stocking labeled "Max." He reaches in and takes out a large thermos]
The: A batch of toxic waste from your "clean" textile plant.
[pours it into a dish]
The: There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back.
Maximillian: That could have come from anywhere.
The: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
Maximillian: If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
The: Ah, good idea!
[he reaches into the stocking and pulls out a sheaf of documents]
The: A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
Maximillian: [starting to lose his composure] Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's-he's good.
The: Good?
[Penguin takes out a severed hand]
The: [imitating a ventriloquist] Hiya, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any of the other body parts? Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.

Batman: What do you want?
The: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.
[laughs, then turns serious]
The: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman: Things change.
[Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]
Catwoman: Meow.
[a store explodes, she slips off]
The: I saw her first... gotta fly!

Maximillian: Selina! Selina Kyle, you're fired! And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?
Catwoman: Because he *is* Batman, you moron!
Maximillian: Was.
[shoots Batman]

Selina: A kiss under the mistletoe. You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Bruce: But a kiss can be even deadlier... if you mean it.
[silence as they realize each other's identities]
Selina: Oh, my God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
Bruce: Let's go outside.

Security: Don't hurt us, lady. Our take-home's less than three-hundred.
Catwoman: You're overpaid. Hit the road.

Catwoman: [falling into an open gravel filled truck] Saved by kitty litter.

The: [to Catwoman] You lousy minx! I oughta have you spayed!